Mario
Appearances
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I went 57 days into 2025 without crapping myself. We're on a road trip, okay? Had a lot of fast food. It was a little mini vacation because she was getting her hair done. And we had a drive. I just go and let sports clips fuck up my head like every couple weeks, you know?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Oh, my God. Women. She has to go to the Build-A-Baddie workshop. I feel bad. Whoa, that was. Yeah, that was harsh. I forgot what I look like when I say. Yeah, that was rough. When I go women, everyone's like, what in the Andrew Tate is he about to say? I'm just saying it's so hard for you guys. I have to go. Is it? Yeah.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I pay $30 for a haircut every couple weeks if I want to look presentable.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
And you didn't do anything to maintain it or use any products or spend any money on your hair otherwise?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm just saying in general, I feel like women do more stuff with their hair than men.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
That's true. Some men take care of themselves. Some men... A lot of men take care of themselves a lot better than I do. I can assure you that. Right off the rip.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I believe every time you make a woman have an... Oh. Then your hairline moves forward.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Is that a fair assumption? I don't know if we should bleep that, but... I feel like every time you make a woman... Your hairline moves forward.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I don't. Brynn, we were talking about me crapping my pants. We can't have two ADH high definition D people doing a conversation back and forth.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
We're in the car. I can't trust the fart. I'm sitting two feet from this woman. I'm driving. I gotta relieve just a little bit of pressure. Just a little bit, right? So I just take the finger out of the dam just a little bit. Don't do that. Oh my God, that sounded so... I like that.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
How are you not live every single night, like looking to the camera, just like, you know, gazoink, gazoinks, out, doing the little this?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
If you're not crapping your pants every once in a while, are you living life?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm going to be completely honest. I burped and my brain was blank. I don't even know where I'm at right now. What are we talking about? You crapped your pants?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
No, and then you, when you were driving out to see me when we were doing long distance. No, that was a different time. You almost, yeah. Oh, God. We're so perfect for each other.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I didn't mean to interrupt your poop story, baby. No, not the one, not. Ew.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
If you happen to drive by Zizek's Road, going from Cali to Nevada.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
And if you look to your right, you can see a scrum-diddly-delectable-delicious-bubble-gum-booty-batty squatting and diarrhea-ing on a bush. How long do we do long distance?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
We did long distance for how long? How long was that? Six months? Five months? Five months. Five months.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
So we met and then within. I might have been later than that. So we met and then within weeks we hard launched. Within six months we moved in together. And then we're just over a year and we're doing a podcast. We move fast. We don't move fast.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
This is the beauty of the podcast, right? The Pretty Funny Podcast. Pretty funny. We get to know you guys a lot better. You get to know us, and you get to know the real us. You know what I'm saying? So let me know if it's a red flag that... Oh, shut up.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
You can make the argument that doing a podcast with someone else is more of a commitment than like an engagement ring.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Are you there? I'm almost there. Confirm the dates and then we'll do that another time.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
The atrocious. We read through them one time. No, they're bad. And they're so bad. You know when you first start talking to someone and you're just extra, extra cringy for no reason? Is it that bad?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Which means nothing. I'm glad we got that over with. We don't need to talk about that. Oh my God.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I know, but like the more you love me, I can just feel the goggles getting a little thicker. You know what I mean? Do we even clarify what that is? I feel like people can assume what girlfriend goggles are.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah. You're beautiful. It's different. It's way different. This is how I know you have girlfriend goggles, actually. Last night, we're doing a Marvel marathon, okay? And we're slowly making our way chronologically through all the Marvel movies. We just watched Captain America Winter Soldier. Yes. Yeah. Winter Soldier.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Winter Soldier. I don't know what you said. I said Winter Soldier. Soldier.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I didn't know the difference between shoulder and soldier for too long. I'm talking double digits age. I was like, shoulder? What?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Spinach? There it is. What did I do? Spinach. Spinach. Spinach. Spinach. Spinach. Okay. I can see the stupid ass clip.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I don't want to do this. I don't want to. I don't even. I don't.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Oh, did you say spinach when it's spinach? Not you. Not like, listen, like, you know, like people make the clip of like he pronounced something wrong and now we're going to make it viral. Like we're not doing that. We're not doing it. It's not going to be a clip.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Spinach. Spinach. Okay. Okay. You want to do this word game actually? Yeah. Is there an L in both?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
We're from Washington. If you know, you know. We're neighbors to Canada. We love you, Canada.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
What was I saying? This is how I know you have girlfriend goggles, okay? We're watching Captain America, The Winter Soldier, right? We're on a Marvel kick, chronologically watching all the Marvel movies in a row. Highly recommend. Rate them out of 10 so far, all the Marvel movies. All of them? All of them, just general consensus and vibes. Eight? Okay. We're to the Winter Soldier, right?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
If you really like someone and then you see the red flags, you're like...
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
He looks so good, I might be bisexual. He's looking really good. He's cut up. He's dirty. It's what people paid to see, okay? Arguably the best looking shot of the movie. And what did you say? What did you say? What did you say?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And who were you talking to? I said he doesn't do it for me. Who were you talking to? Who did you say that to?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Me. What was I doing at the time? The man you have sex with was hunched over a coffee table, shoving a Caniac combo down his gullet. Gullet? Gullet? What am I? Gullet. Gullet.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Brynn, you've got to stop talking about throats and gullets and throat sacks.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I should have done something. I should have taken note that you were checking off the months, and I should have done something. It's my fault.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Three. I rescued a pelican. It was three. Pelican. Pelican. I rescued a pelican.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
This is why you have girlfriend goggles. Because I'm hunched over throwing Cain's chicken and sauce down my gullet, my throat pouch. Right? And you're looking at the peak male physique. Oh wait, it's the male gaze. Oh my god, here we go, I can see the comments.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
By fitness journey, I mean Ozempic. Am I right? Obviously. Obviously.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Are you showing your dogs right now? I have socks on. You're so smooth. Okay, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. My prickly little hedgehog.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
It's true. If it's true. Well, what the? Okay. I'm sorry. I'm not taking Ozempic.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Crush. Let my water break. Crush my head like a watermelon. Please and thank you. I'm pretty sure I just said that. Pretty sure I made myself clear. I just said suffocate me.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm not saying that it doesn't mean anything to me. I'm always looking for a reason to celebrate. You know what I mean? If it's an anniversary, whether you want to go month by month, day by day, why would you not want to celebrate? You know what I'm saying? It wasn't really on my radar personally to me to celebrate the six-month anniversary.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I don't care what you look like. I... You're literally peak beauty in whatever form you take. I don't care. You're beautiful. You're a woman. I'm a man. Let's get this clear, okay? All I do is I'm born, I maintain homeostasis, I get some hair in some places, and then I wither away and die.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
yes over christmas i'm just saying though yes we can definitely yes oh yeah that freaked you out i just never seen some things you're just not used to some things you just you'd never seen a girl take out a tampon before had you i don't think so no yeah he he was brushing his teeth next to me which also you gag every single time you brush your teeth i have a horrible gag reflex in stomach like i'm not every single time you brush your teeth yeah
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
That's what I was literally saying is like all the physical changes that you have to endure throughout your life. Okay.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Not even including pregnancy compared to a man. Like I have to be a gigantic piece of shit to literally you take on any form and me have a problem with that.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
The best way I can describe it is I am losing weight right now, and I'm dieting, and I'm exercising, and I'm doing the whole damn thing, and it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. I got no tips and tricks for you. I don't even want to be doing it. I'm doing it, and I'm doing it natural, which makes it suck even more. I mean, this used to be me right here. There you go.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
That's what Brynn has never got to experience. This was me for a long time.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Me, right now, the way I am, I am so confident and comfortable in my own skin, and I'm happy, and I'm living my best life. I'm not doing it because I'm like, I want to work. That's not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because I genuinely do want to live a long, happy life with you and take care of myself. It's not fun. It's not.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
If we're making eye contact right now, if you're listening to this right now, I love you. You understand me? I love you. And I appreciate you and your support. You smiling and laughing along with us is literally why I wake up in the morning. It's an honor to be here. It's an honor to be entertaining you guys. Thank you so much for giving us a platform to talk, to entertain you guys.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm not saying it's not a big deal. But it's a big deal to you, so it's a big deal to me.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah. Yeah. We wanted to just get the ball rolling. We want you guys to get to know us better. We want to get to know you better. We've been having Q and A's on all of our socials. Make sure you're following on everything because your questions will be featured in this podcast. We have a
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
so excited about that are going to be joining us different pretties different funnies it's going to be a blast and we're very very excited a lot of fun things coming down the line and uh yeah yeah i'm i'm pumped i love you guys love you guys so much make sure so much make sure you're following us on all of the socials yeah make sure to follow us we're pretty funny I honestly could cry right now.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I could make myself cry on command. Is that how we should end the first episode? No, I'm going to do it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Start talking about something really serious and I'm going to cry and then we're going to end it. I'm already crying right now.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I don't know if there's any directors, anybody watching. God, see how big of a manipulator he is? You see the tears?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I don't feel like we're fighting. How many times have we fought since we've been together? Real talk, real talk.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Anyways, gentlemen, cry. I might be by. Who knows what's going on? Make sure to follow us. We love you guys. We're pretty funny. We'll see you next week. See you next week. Love you guys. Bye.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'd say less than 10. Like I grew up watching people fight all the time. I didn't have a good model for like relationships. It was just constant turmoil, just toxicity. It was just war.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah, my parents, they just got divorced. They just did. Yeah, and you're almost 30. I'm so proud of them. Really proud of them. Good job. They're happier. They're happier. I can see it. They're happier. You know what I mean? Yeah, I would hate it. I love them both. Mom, Dad. Love you. If you're watching this, Dad, how do you know how to use YouTube? That's crazy. That's like...
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I love you guys. You know, you guys are off doing your own things now. You're happier. It's just, mm. Yeah. I grew up in a house where it was like, God, we're getting deep immediately. What are we doing?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Oh, the power of the podcast has already come over me. I'm talking about deep childhood stuff already.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Long story short, if you grow up thinking that fighting is normal or arguing is normal, it happens a lot. People that aren't compatible for each other, then it's just like that's what you think a relationship is, and it's normalized, if that makes sense. You live and you learn, and now that I'm with you, I don't think relationships are like a baseball card. There's stats. There's batting averages.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
You know what I'm saying? I feel like it's more based on emotion. A hundred percent.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Within like 24 hours. I don't think we've ever had a fight go over 24 hours.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm just happy because I feel like I'm almost 30. I'm still in my 20s. 30. Shout out Bo Burnham. Love you. Calm down. Because he's mine. He's mine. Anyways.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going to ask you if I'm bisexual. You're like, on the topic of that, we're just going to move right by that.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
That me being bisexual? No, about me being bisexual. Oh, yeah, let's make this all about you. Yep. Let me saddle up real quick. Yeah, we need to set the bar. Okay, yeah, there you go.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I've literally never said... Am I bisexual out loud? Until I had three cameras on me and we're recording our first podcast and we're not even 11 minutes in.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
What are you talking about? I don't even, oh my God. Okay, your turn. Go ahead. It's Brynn's turn. Oh.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
What are you talking about right now? Let me get to my point. Is this the blow dryer story?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
You could smell your ex's perfume while you were blow drying your hair. It was my perfume. Okay.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm a copy, paste, blank, word document white dude. I'm trying to learn. I'm here to learn.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Oh, so you're saying that there is a possibility that I'm bisexual.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Are you trying to gatekeep bisexuality? You're like, not to flex, but as a bisexual, I've dated boys and girls. I feel like anyone in their right mind is bisexual. If you can't look at someone else and be like, wow, that person is beautiful. no matter what their gender is. That's what I'm saying. I've never acted upon it. I haven't. I just haven't. I haven't.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Being gay, you have to be born with it. I don't know if it's a choice. I don't know if it's a choice.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Let me elaborate on my thought. I don't know where I heard this, but good comedy is saying something and talking yourself out of it.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah, you're like, I don't know how to breathe. You know, you just go. Yeah. Like, that's kind of, because it's like, we're just talking. We're just hanging out. Like, we normally do. We're just talking. But there's all this stuff here.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah, that was great. No, no, no, don't click the crickets. Don't do it. Oh, they're going to click the crickets. Sitting it. Oh, sorry, now you got the buttons. You're like, Mario, don't play with the buttons.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
No, way worse. We should have a fight. Mario. You don't sound like that.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Okay, that's enough of that. Sorry. That's enough. Whoa. What were we talking about?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
They're watching us. There's cameras. There's action. There's cameras. There's lights. There's a live studio audience. Hey, keep it down. Come on. Come. Oh, my God.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
You know, I really... How do I say this? Anyone that disrespects you, tears you down, makes you feel horrible, I want to gently toss them into oncoming traffic. But the longer I date you, the longer I realize you do that more to you than anybody. You're literally perfection.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Oh, my God. It kills me. It kills me. It kills me. It kills me. It kills me.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
You know what I mean? You could take over. Like dudes like me would line up by the thousands just to catch a glimpse and do what you tell us to do. You know what I mean? You send us off to war. There we go. Spears in hand. Is she watching? Kablam. Dead. Right? That's what we do. That's what men have been doing for centuries. Nothing inspires a man more than a woman. And look at this muse.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Look at her. Show them your nails. I love your nails so much. Oh, my God. Women are so interesting. I wake up and I wear the clothes that I wore to bed out and about. If I even make it out... I wore pajama pants to the gas station today, and I'd like to formally apologize.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
If you are wearing pajamas, you know what I mean, like prior to 5 o'clock, let alone in public, you know what I'm saying? It's like you're sending a message to the world. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And I proudly was wearing Batman pajamas to the gas station. I'm one of those people now. That's me. You know what I mean? Am I getting canceled?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
We've been talking about doing this since before we were dating.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm not, okay. I'm not bisexual. Not that there's nothing wrong with, what am I saying?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
I'm sorry. You guys want to hear about the first time I did stand up in front of Brynn, which was what, last week?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
You okay? Yeah. Do you need some water? Can you take a break? Can you take five? I hate when you cough and your eyes get watery, and then I'm like, what happened? Who did this to you?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah. I went and did stand-up for the first time live, and I bombed just a tad.
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah, about halfway through my second bit, I forgot what I was doing and I literally yelled out into the darkness of the crowd. Brynn, what was I talking about in the car?
Pretty Funny
#1: Sh*tting Our Pants
Yeah, I did, which I did coincidentally that same day. I crapped my pants.
Pretty Funny
Welcome to Pretty Funny!
And I'm funny. Oh, you got to fix the bangs just a little bit.
Pretty Funny
Welcome to Pretty Funny!
All right, here we go. We're going to do it. You have to shush. Oh, I'm sorry.