Lynne Henderson
Appearances
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
It's a fear of negative evaluation that sometimes interferes with your doing what you really want to do. That's when it's problematic. But it's only 2% of the population who say they've never experienced shyness. It's a universal human emotion.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Exactly.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
That's a good question. I think it depends sometimes on your history, whether or not you've ever been in a similar situation that didn't go well. It can be that kind of thing. It can be things that you've heard about a particular situation. I mean, it's usually getting past shyness is usually debunking that sort of getting into the same situation and finding out that it usually goes quite well.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Well, yes, and you had wondered about the origin of shyness, and I think it is left over in evolution for predator detection. And I think it's just exaggerated, and it's not usually going to happen what you're afraid of in real life, because even if the situation doesn't work out as well as you hope, it's very seldom a disaster.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And the other thing we do with people is we teach them compassion imagery and that sort of thing that they can also use to support themselves or even imagining that a good friend is by your side when you're trying something new.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Oh, yes. And it's only 2% of the population that say they've never been shy. So it's a common, it is a common emotion.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Maybe. That crossed my mind too.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And 60% of Stanford students said they were shy when we did a research study with them.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
That's a really good question. Sometimes people will say they're shy and they are fine with it because they recognize that it's just an emotional state and they can get past it. And if somebody is too confident, you don't trust them. We all trust people more who make little mistakes and who aren't perfectly confident.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Because if somebody is perfectly confident, you start to wonder if they're manipulative or why they need to be so perfect or that kind of thing.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Introverts usually have one or two good friends, but they like their solitude. So it's not concern about negative evaluation. It's just a preference they have. And they need to be by themselves to sort of restore their energy. But it's not a concern about negative evaluation.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Yeah, I mean, I think often that's the case. And particularly people who, well, one of the issues or one of the problems sometimes is that people who are very attractive and who feel shy often look snooty. People misread the shyness as snootiness. And of course, that doesn't even occur to them.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And that's why I like the idea of social fitness training is that people are situationally shy. And with social fitness, you just do what you're scared of anyway until you get used to it and the fear goes down. And that's why group therapy is so helpful for shyness. It's because you've sort of got a support team on your side and other people have the same experience.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And when I was running shyness groups, nobody would believe that the other group members were shy because they were attractive, nice people, and they felt the same way. And that was really reassuring to all of them. That was one really neat experience I had at a group I was running at Stanford. And one of the fellows wanted to ask somebody out and he was afraid to do it.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
The group encouraged him to do it. He did it. Then he came back and he said, oh, my gosh, now I have to go on the date. I'll be a basket case and she'll reject me. And one of the fellows in the group said, well, why don't you just tell her you're feeling shy? And he said, are you kidding? She would be so critical of me. And he said, well, you could try it. So he did. He tried it.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And the woman said, oh, my goodness, I'm so relieved. So am I. And they had a nice time on the date.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Yes. And sometimes when somebody's problematically shy for a while, they also say negative things to themselves. Like, I won't be able to do this, or it's going to be too hard. And in groups and that sort of thing, we can practice more supportive self-talk.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
you know oh i've seen you do it before i know you can do it i'm gonna i'm gonna have your back i mean that kind of thing support supportive self-talk doesn't occur to them sometimes when they're feeling shy and self-critical about it but how do you practice your practice away your shyness with people you know because these people don't make you feel shy
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Well, what you do is you role play the situations that you want to encounter in the world. And so you hear yourself having a nice conversation and that sort of thing. And then the homework is then you go do it in the real world. So you've had the practice. You know how sometimes you can practice a talk, right?
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And once you've had the experience of doing it, even though you've not had an audience, it makes it easier and better.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
No, it's not. But it can help people just to have in the back of their minds... You know, I need to ask them questions. I can look for common interests. I can share about my interests. I can look for what I find interesting about them. And when you're thinking about these things, you're doing that more than the negative self-talk.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Right. Right. And sometimes when people develop problematic shyness, it has been because they've been teased or humiliated in class. Maybe they've had some kind of an experience growing up that has been difficult and created if it's problematic shyness. And so one of the ways that they can see how they got there and what made them start to withdraw. And of course, it's just like physical fitness.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
If you don't practice, then it's much harder. But if you do something every day, it just gets easier. And it's really so gratifying to see them do what they're scared to do and how much they enjoy it when they do do it.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Problematic shyness is that you're not doing what you want to do. You don't ask that girl out. You don't go to a new group. You don't socialize. It's the withdrawal that separates them. If you're out there and experiencing shyness, but you're doing new things, the shyness reduces over time.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
As a matter of fact, we did an interesting study of people who were known to be outstanding leaders in their fields who said they were shy. And the interesting thing about them was they tended to lead from behind and let other people take the spotlight because they didn't really want the spotlight. But they were keen observers of people. They listened carefully and were empathic.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
They were motivated, persevering, strategic, and genuine. And they were passionate about their values and their work. That's how they could become leaders, is that they cared so much about something. They were willing to do it. They did over-prepare for public speaking tasks, and they knew that they just had to push past the shyness to get the job done.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And one time, we did this group problem-solving task, and they did so well in the problem-solving task in the group. that I videotaped them and I showed it at a conference with their permission. And I said, would you have any sense that these people were shy? I mean, so they can do a lot of things they think they can't do.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Exactly.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
The interesting thing about it, and of course, if they're in a group where they've got people around them who can share their own experiences, everybody has that experience. You know, some people say no, some people say yes.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And one of the things that we also know is that if you're trusting and try to have positive expectations, you get disappointed, you do get hurt, but not as much as if you're afraid all the time and you don't do it.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Right. But there's a thing that goes along with it, which is trust. That you trust in the long run, something will work out. How many things in life do we get on the first try? Not many.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
In the long run, you will probably ask somebody out who will say yes, and you will have a good time.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
But if you can fail and have that be okay, you don't know what's going on with Susie or Becky or who else they might already be interested in, or you don't know why they said no. But you can make up a lot of horrendous stories about why they might have said no. And that's why group therapy is helpful is you can normalize some of that.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
It's harder when they get isolated and they don't have people to talk to.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Yeah, I think that's often the case. They don't want a lot of attention.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Again, it's usually what if I fail? What if I let somebody down? What if I don't do a good job? It's that kind of thing, those kinds of automatic thoughts that can get in the way, the negative automatic thoughts. And you learn to say, well, I'll learn something in the process and then I'll get better at it.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
One of the things that's important here is that fear isn't the thing that holds people back the most. It's shame. And you don't feel ashamed off until after a social situation where people who feel shy will sometimes leave the situation.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And then if anything in the conversation hasn't gone well, even if there are three or four people involved in the conversation, they'll take all the blame, all the responsibility. Well, it must have been something about me. So you really have to work with those negative thoughts too. Because the shame, what do we want to do? We want to go in our bedrooms and suck our thumbs.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
We don't want to get out again. Shame is a very lethargic kind of feeling. And yet it's also universal. And when they begin to understand that, that social anxiety is universal, shyness is universal, shame is universal, then all of a sudden they think, well, I'm not alone. And you don't have to be in a shyness group to experience shame.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And they need to make friends, which they can do. They tend to be, when they start working on things, they tend to do very well. We had a lot of Stanford students in our early groups. And these guys would have been, you know, working on their PhDs and hadn't talked to a woman in years. And they'd come into the shyness clinic and they'd say, oh my gosh, I'm never going to be able.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And of course they were.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
and i think it's like most things if you've got people who believe in you that you really can and will do it that makes a big difference and then you can't get away with just feeling we can't get away with just feeling sorry for ourselves is shyness particularly problematic when it comes to romance is that where it it rears its head mostly or is it lots of different situations
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
It's lots of different situations. And it depends on any situations from your past where you felt let down and disappointed and then you didn't try again. But I think some people are shy about dating. Some people are shy about work and meetings and that sort of thing. Some people are only shy about public speaking tasks sometimes.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Well, if it has to do with a fear of negative evaluation, that the person's going to respond badly, then it's probably shyness.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Because the shyness is mostly related to the fact that they're not going to get the outcome they hope for. And they don't have enough of a learning model that they're going to just keep learning and all of that is okay.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
And I think once they begin to understand that this is pretty universal, it helps them begin to relax a little bit.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
That's really true. That's really true. I think when they understand that better and they just understand that it's part of life.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
Oh, well, it was fun to talk to you.
Something You Should Know
The Startling Impact of Peer Pressure & Why Shyness Can Be a Plus
It's a fear of negative evaluation that sometimes interferes with your doing what you really want to do. But it's only 2% of the population who say they've never experienced shyness. It's a universal human emotion.