Kristie Nova
Appearances
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Hi, Erica. Hey, there. How long you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Ten years?
KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I got a big one and a little one.
KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP
Whoa, it's haunted. Wow. Ladies, the crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Hello, Austin. How you doing? I'm here with my new fiance. She just got us tickets, and we got to fly out here to come see the show. She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving. For the first time, I come from a big family, four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
So as we're all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything, we called it dressing. She said, what's the difference between dressing and stuffing? I said, well, I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this. Just kidding. She's going to kill me for that. She did like me because she said I was a fun guy, like a mushroom. I met her in a bar. We were sitting there.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
She had told me that he's still laughing. I just got it. She told me that we were sitting in a bar and she bought me a drink. And she said, why are you sitting in here alone? And I said, well, I just broke up with my ex. She said I was too kinky for her. And she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex, too. He said that I was too kinky. And so one thing led to another.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky. So we go back to our house. We're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bathroom.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Okay, keep going. So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat of nine tails, stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as fuck. And I'm standing at the door ready to leave and she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were going to get kinky. I said, well, I already fucked your poodle and shit in your purse.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Well, the Thanksgiving one I wrote, I guess. I didn't write anything. I just kind of memorized it. I gotcha. You know what it is.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
We haven't picked a date yet, no. My daughter's getting married, and so we're kind of letting her do her thing first. Got to pay for that and deal with that, and then we'll do ours afterwards.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, she walked by when we were in line standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up?
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
I wasn't going to until she walked by because... Well, I mean, of course she's going to walk by.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Well, I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to Poor Choices and sign up, and we didn't make it over there. We got here about 745, so we were just standing outside.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Just me. I think I was the only one. Oh, you were the only one? Maybe, I don't know. It was a long line, actually.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
Hey, I figured, fuck it, we came here, I'm going to do it, you know.
KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY
No, we actually met at a bar. She was bartending at Twin Peaks in Orlando. Oh, wow.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test, and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do. If you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that, Hooters? What are we going to do with all those girls? That's my time. Thank you.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert. What concert? Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I don't have the intrinsic desire to pick the fucking flowers and that whole dress thing. I can't be bothered. It's me. It's not him. It's me. I'm the problem.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
The fur just gives that 12% retard. Fur, you know? Okay. Leaning out of that.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. Hell yeah. I just get like a regular life.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's the...
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I fucking love Teslas, but... Everybody that has a Tesla loves it. Yeah.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right? Yeah. Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasing. No, I just look like, I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
No, so on stage, on and on. Stage time is five hours. He gets it. He's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Red band understood.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
It's just confusing to me when people are like, eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking time on stage? Your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
In the same room, and he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, a unicorn.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know. Yeah, we were teenagers, so, you know.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You know, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
You didn't notice that? There's this weird thing that some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finished.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
I respect that question. No, it was always at his parents' house.
KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS
Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point. Wow.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
What's up, Austin? I love this dick-filled room. It's awesome. I love Kill Tony. But more about me. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. This is what we do for fucking comedy. I love it. Any chuckle fuckers? I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess, but all my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny, so that's why I'm here.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
It's worth something, right? Are you guys really... I understand I'm from L.A. I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me. Right? I mean, you knew what I was gonna look like, right? But you pretty much knew. Like, you heard the voice. You're like, I know what she's gonna look like. Thank you, guys.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
This is probably the highlight of my life right now. Yes, absolutely.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Because I had to leave them. I had to leave the band. Never mind.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
You have to sharpen your skills. I was playing a lot of poker, and I wanted to have my game all about poker, so I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Do you just get to a high point to look for Jews? Or what do you do?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, do you think it's because they had a girl president?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
We chatted about guns. He's freaky as fuck. That's Le Maire's military detail. You were scouting the food truck.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, between him and the last guest, we had the whole fall collection, dude.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
No, he saw it and he's like, no one will think I'm a faggot if I wear this.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Can I ask an innocent question? Is this the latest in black-eye gene technology? No, I'm dead serious. I was curious. That is incredible. I know you guys had straps for a while. Now, a gully suit.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Hold on one second. He keeps fucking like going at the way. It's crazy. Wow. Bluer kisses the first time that he went. Are you OK, guy in the white hat?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I think he talked into the mic with his hairline at first. That was just...
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, you look like a billy goop. Your goatee's receding, too, somehow.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, you just step up on the curb. It's like, hey, honey, welcome back.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Can I ask you a question? So you were with somebody, you had a kid, and they became gay?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Right on. So why does she have to be with the kid anymore?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Hell yeah. My goodness. What was the angle of the crash, if you don't mind me asking?
KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR
Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!