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Kristie Nova

👤 Person
450 appearances

Podcast Appearances

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Hi, Erica. Hey, there. How long you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Ten years?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Hi, Erica. Hey, there. How long you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Ten years?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Welcome to the show, Layman. How are you, buddy?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Welcome to the show, Layman. How are you, buddy?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Oh, yeah.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Oh, yeah.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

What do you mean by that exactly?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

What do you mean by that exactly?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Exactly.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Exactly.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Did you really go to the Black History Museum?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Did you really go to the Black History Museum?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

What ethnicity are you again? Kajistani.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

What ethnicity are you again? Kajistani.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I got a big one and a little one.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I got a big one and a little one.

KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Yeah. I love it. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. I love it.

KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Yeah. I love it. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. I love it.

KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Whoa, it's haunted. Wow. Ladies, the crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild.

KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Whoa, it's haunted. Wow. Ladies, the crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Hello, Austin. How you doing? I'm here with my new fiance. She just got us tickets, and we got to fly out here to come see the show. She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving. For the first time, I come from a big family, four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Hello, Austin. How you doing? I'm here with my new fiance. She just got us tickets, and we got to fly out here to come see the show. She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving. For the first time, I come from a big family, four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

So as we're all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything, we called it dressing. She said, what's the difference between dressing and stuffing? I said, well, I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this. Just kidding. She's going to kill me for that. She did like me because she said I was a fun guy, like a mushroom. I met her in a bar. We were sitting there.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

So as we're all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything, we called it dressing. She said, what's the difference between dressing and stuffing? I said, well, I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this. Just kidding. She's going to kill me for that. She did like me because she said I was a fun guy, like a mushroom. I met her in a bar. We were sitting there.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

She had told me that he's still laughing. I just got it. She told me that we were sitting in a bar and she bought me a drink. And she said, why are you sitting in here alone? And I said, well, I just broke up with my ex. She said I was too kinky for her. And she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex, too. He said that I was too kinky. And so one thing led to another.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

She had told me that he's still laughing. I just got it. She told me that we were sitting in a bar and she bought me a drink. And she said, why are you sitting in here alone? And I said, well, I just broke up with my ex. She said I was too kinky for her. And she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex, too. He said that I was too kinky. And so one thing led to another.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky. So we go back to our house. We're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bathroom.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky. So we go back to our house. We're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bathroom.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Okay, keep going. So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat of nine tails, stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as fuck. And I'm standing at the door ready to leave and she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were going to get kinky. I said, well, I already fucked your poodle and shit in your purse.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Okay, keep going. So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat of nine tails, stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as fuck. And I'm standing at the door ready to leave and she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were going to get kinky. I said, well, I already fucked your poodle and shit in your purse.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

You've heard these jokes before. I've never done this.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

You've heard these jokes before. I've never done this.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Um... You didn't write these, right? No, I didn't write these.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Um... You didn't write these, right? No, I didn't write these.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Well, the Thanksgiving one I wrote, I guess. I didn't write anything. I just kind of memorized it. I gotcha. You know what it is.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Well, the Thanksgiving one I wrote, I guess. I didn't write anything. I just kind of memorized it. I gotcha. You know what it is.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, she loves me. Okay.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, she loves me. Okay.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

About five years now.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

About five years now.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We haven't picked a date yet, no. My daughter's getting married, and so we're kind of letting her do her thing first. Got to pay for that and deal with that, and then we'll do ours afterwards.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We haven't picked a date yet, no. My daughter's getting married, and so we're kind of letting her do her thing first. Got to pay for that and deal with that, and then we'll do ours afterwards.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, no, she didn't.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, no, she didn't.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Just the two of us, yeah.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Just the two of us, yeah.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We came from Orlando.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We came from Orlando.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Actually, we just saw you in Orlando like three months ago.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Actually, we just saw you in Orlando like three months ago.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I build pools for a living.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I build pools for a living.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We are, yeah, we're busy.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We are, yeah, we're busy.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, she walked by when we were in line standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up?

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, she walked by when we were in line standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up?

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I wasn't going to until she walked by because... Well, I mean, of course she's going to walk by.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I wasn't going to until she walked by because... Well, I mean, of course she's going to walk by.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Well, I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to Poor Choices and sign up, and we didn't make it over there. We got here about 745, so we were just standing outside.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Well, I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to Poor Choices and sign up, and we didn't make it over there. We got here about 745, so we were just standing outside.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

You guys heard this as well?

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

You guys heard this as well?

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Just me. I think I was the only one. Oh, you were the only one? Maybe, I don't know. It was a long line, actually.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Just me. I think I was the only one. Oh, you were the only one? Maybe, I don't know. It was a long line, actually.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Hey, I figured, fuck it, we came here, I'm going to do it, you know.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Hey, I figured, fuck it, we came here, I'm going to do it, you know.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, we actually met at a bar. She was bartending at Twin Peaks in Orlando. Oh, wow.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, we actually met at a bar. She was bartending at Twin Peaks in Orlando. Oh, wow.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I said, I need to get your number.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I said, I need to get your number.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

She does have nice tits.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

She does have nice tits.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Is she right here? No, she's somewhere back there.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Is she right here? No, she's somewhere back there.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test, and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do. If you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test, and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do. If you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that, Hooters? What are we going to do with all those girls? That's my time. Thank you.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that, Hooters? What are we going to do with all those girls? That's my time. Thank you.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I do not live here. I live in Florida.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I do not live here. I live in Florida.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Melbourne, just outside of Orlando.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Melbourne, just outside of Orlando.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert. What concert? Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert. What concert? Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

A little folky, a little blues. Okay.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

A little folky, a little blues. Okay.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Nope, two dudes, Andy and Kyle.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Nope, two dudes, Andy and Kyle.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Not country.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Not country.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I'm engaged. I've been engaged for about three years.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I'm engaged. I've been engaged for about three years.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

He already pulled the trigger. I haven't planned the wedding.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

He already pulled the trigger. I haven't planned the wedding.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I don't have the intrinsic desire to pick the fucking flowers and that whole dress thing. I can't be bothered. It's me. It's not him. It's me. I'm the problem.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I don't have the intrinsic desire to pick the fucking flowers and that whole dress thing. I can't be bothered. It's me. It's not him. It's me. I'm the problem.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I don't like being judged by Evel Knievel, first of all.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I don't like being judged by Evel Knievel, first of all.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yes, it's Hartford. Ford.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yes, it's Hartford. Ford.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

The fur just gives that 12% retard. Fur, you know? Okay. Leaning out of that.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

The fur just gives that 12% retard. Fur, you know? Okay. Leaning out of that.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. I own a commercial real estate brokerage.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. I own a commercial real estate brokerage.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. Hell yeah. I just get like a regular life.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. Hell yeah. I just get like a regular life.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Fucking Tesla. A Tesla.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Fucking Tesla. A Tesla.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's the...

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's the...

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I fucking love Teslas, but... Everybody that has a Tesla loves it. Yeah.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I fucking love Teslas, but... Everybody that has a Tesla loves it. Yeah.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right? Yeah. Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasing. No, I just look like, I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right? Yeah. Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasing. No, I just look like, I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Cool. Thanks.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Cool. Thanks.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Like five hours. Like in total, you know, like stage time.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Like five hours. Like in total, you know, like stage time.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

No, no, no, like collectively five hours.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

No, no, no, like collectively five hours.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

No, so on stage, on and on. Stage time is five hours. He gets it. He's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Red band understood.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

No, so on stage, on and on. Stage time is five hours. He gets it. He's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Red band understood.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I said he understood.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I said he understood.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

On and off for about a year, total time on stage, five hours.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

On and off for about a year, total time on stage, five hours.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Correct.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Correct.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It's just confusing to me when people are like, eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking time on stage? Your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It's just confusing to me when people are like, eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking time on stage? Your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, I like it.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, I like it.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I try to.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I try to.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. Yeah.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. Yeah.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, yeah. So good I opened a company and I started doing it.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, yeah. So good I opened a company and I started doing it.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Does it start with an R? It fucking does. It literally does.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Does it start with an R? It fucking does. It literally does.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

We met at a comedy show.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

We met at a comedy show.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I was not. I had no interest at the time.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I was not. I had no interest at the time.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

In the same room, and he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, a unicorn.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

In the same room, and he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, a unicorn.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

He does not, no.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

He does not, no.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Oh, God. I was a teen mom.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Oh, God. I was a teen mom.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

17 and a half and 16 and a half.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

17 and a half and 16 and a half.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

So they're almost 18, almost 17. So they're almost adults.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

So they're almost 18, almost 17. So they're almost adults.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

When I have to.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

When I have to.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I hope so.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I hope so.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know. Yeah, we were teenagers, so, you know.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know. Yeah, we were teenagers, so, you know.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I guess not.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I guess not.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

You know, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

You know, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

You didn't notice that? There's this weird thing that some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finished.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

You didn't notice that? There's this weird thing that some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finished.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I respect that question. No, it was always at his parents' house.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I respect that question. No, it was always at his parents' house.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Just in a bedroom.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Just in a bedroom.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It was dark.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It was dark.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Probably. Probably in the garage ripping cigarettes.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Probably. Probably in the garage ripping cigarettes.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Always his.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Always his.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It was rough.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It was rough.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point. Wow.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point. Wow.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

What's up, Austin? I love this dick-filled room. It's awesome. I love Kill Tony. But more about me. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. This is what we do for fucking comedy. I love it. Any chuckle fuckers? I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess, but all my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny, so that's why I'm here.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

What's up, Austin? I love this dick-filled room. It's awesome. I love Kill Tony. But more about me. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. This is what we do for fucking comedy. I love it. Any chuckle fuckers? I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess, but all my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny, so that's why I'm here.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

It's worth something, right? Are you guys really... I understand I'm from L.A. I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me. Right? I mean, you knew what I was gonna look like, right? But you pretty much knew. Like, you heard the voice. You're like, I know what she's gonna look like. Thank you, guys.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

It's worth something, right? Are you guys really... I understand I'm from L.A. I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me. Right? I mean, you knew what I was gonna look like, right? But you pretty much knew. Like, you heard the voice. You're like, I know what she's gonna look like. Thank you, guys.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I'm still alive, I know. Shocking.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I'm still alive, I know. Shocking.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah, I forgot.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah, I forgot.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This is probably the highlight of my life right now. Yes, absolutely.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This is probably the highlight of my life right now. Yes, absolutely.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I mean, they didn't have room for you. Motley Crue.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I mean, they didn't have room for you. Motley Crue.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Because I had to leave them. I had to leave the band. Never mind.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Because I had to leave them. I had to leave the band. Never mind.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Didn't you say I left Motley Crue?

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Didn't you say I left Motley Crue?

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Wow.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Wow.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

That's the best offer I've had all day, thank you.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

That's the best offer I've had all day, thank you.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Almost five years.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Almost five years.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This room right here right now. Okay, that's cool.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This room right here right now. Okay, that's cool.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This town is fucking awesome.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This town is fucking awesome.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

No, I'm here for a week.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

No, I'm here for a week.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

So I'm leaving at four in the morning.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

So I'm leaving at four in the morning.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I was here doing shit all week.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I was here doing shit all week.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Don't worry.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Don't worry.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Why do you got to do that to me?

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Why do you got to do that to me?

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

You've missed me. I know.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

You've missed me. I know.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah, you.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah, you.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Like six times.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Like six times.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

It's a story. It's a good one.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

It's a story. It's a good one.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

You have to sharpen your skills. I was playing a lot of poker, and I wanted to have my game all about poker, so I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

You have to sharpen your skills. I was playing a lot of poker, and I wanted to have my game all about poker, so I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Do you just get to a high point to look for Jews? Or what do you do?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Do you just get to a high point to look for Jews? Or what do you do?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Well, do you think it's because they had a girl president?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Well, do you think it's because they had a girl president?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

We chatted about guns. He's freaky as fuck. That's Le Maire's military detail. You were scouting the food truck.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

We chatted about guns. He's freaky as fuck. That's Le Maire's military detail. You were scouting the food truck.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

I think we got to the bottom of them.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

I think we got to the bottom of them.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, between him and the last guest, we had the whole fall collection, dude.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, between him and the last guest, we had the whole fall collection, dude.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

No, he saw it and he's like, no one will think I'm a faggot if I wear this.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

No, he saw it and he's like, no one will think I'm a faggot if I wear this.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That's just a little, just a little.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That's just a little, just a little.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

LaMare trying to hold him down.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

LaMare trying to hold him down.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That was such a nice nerd spaz coming right out.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That was such a nice nerd spaz coming right out.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Can I ask an innocent question? Is this the latest in black-eye gene technology? No, I'm dead serious. I was curious. That is incredible. I know you guys had straps for a while. Now, a gully suit.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Can I ask an innocent question? Is this the latest in black-eye gene technology? No, I'm dead serious. I was curious. That is incredible. I know you guys had straps for a while. Now, a gully suit.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Hold on one second. He keeps fucking like going at the way. It's crazy. Wow. Bluer kisses the first time that he went. Are you OK, guy in the white hat?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Hold on one second. He keeps fucking like going at the way. It's crazy. Wow. Bluer kisses the first time that he went. Are you OK, guy in the white hat?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

I think he talked into the mic with his hairline at first. That was just...

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

I think he talked into the mic with his hairline at first. That was just...

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, you look like a billy goop. Your goatee's receding, too, somehow.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, you look like a billy goop. Your goatee's receding, too, somehow.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Have you ever thought of becoming a Franciscan monk?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Have you ever thought of becoming a Franciscan monk?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, you just step up on the curb. It's like, hey, honey, welcome back.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, you just step up on the curb. It's like, hey, honey, welcome back.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That's all right, Brianna.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That's all right, Brianna.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Thank you, Matt.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Thank you, Matt.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Can I ask you a question? So you were with somebody, you had a kid, and they became gay?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Can I ask you a question? So you were with somebody, you had a kid, and they became gay?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Right on. So why does she have to be with the kid anymore?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Right on. So why does she have to be with the kid anymore?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Hell yeah. My goodness. What was the angle of the crash, if you don't mind me asking?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Hell yeah. My goodness. What was the angle of the crash, if you don't mind me asking?

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Oh, he was super hot, so I should have peed.

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Oh, he was super hot, so I should have peed.

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Thank you very much.

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Thank you very much.

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Oh, he was super hot, so I should have peed.

KILL TONY
KT #721 - JIMMY CARR

Thank you very much.

KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Yeah. I love it. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. I love it.

KILL TONY
KT #720 - CARROT TOP

Whoa, it's haunted. Wow. Ladies, the crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

My cousin called me on the way earlier today to let me know how excited she was that she took a Ancestry.com test, and we are 12% of the same DNA. Thank God I'm only 12% fat retard. Gosh. Other cousins are black and in jail, so I don't know which one's worse. None of them have ever seen a ballot box. Wait, do they let retards vote in Texas? They do. If you couldn't tell, I grew up prejudiced.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I thought everyone with Down syndrome was related. Just one big old family of thumbs. Did you guys hear about the big bankruptcy? You know, they employ all of the retards in America. What was that, Hooters? What are we going to do with all those girls? That's my time. Thank you.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I do not live here. I live in Florida.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Melbourne, just outside of Orlando.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Just visiting Austin. I came in for a concert. What concert? Penny and Sparrow over at the Paramount.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

A little folky, a little blues. Okay.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Nope, two dudes, Andy and Kyle.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Not country.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I'm engaged. I've been engaged for about three years.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

He already pulled the trigger. I haven't planned the wedding.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I don't have the intrinsic desire to pick the fucking flowers and that whole dress thing. I can't be bothered. It's me. It's not him. It's me. I'm the problem.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I don't like being judged by Evel Knievel, first of all.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yes, it's Hartford. Ford.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

The fur just gives that 12% retard. Fur, you know? Okay. Leaning out of that.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. I own a commercial real estate brokerage.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. I don't live in my car like the rest of the guys that come up. I'm so sorry. Hell yeah. I just get like a regular life.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Fucking Tesla. A Tesla.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I just look like I drive a Tesla. So it's, you know, it's the...

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I fucking love Teslas, but... Everybody that has a Tesla loves it. Yeah.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Because this is the MAGA convention of comedy, right? Yeah. Just putting a bullseye on my back, I'm teasing. No, I just look like, I look like what I am. I know, I'm aware.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Cool. Thanks.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Like five hours. Like in total, you know, like stage time.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

No, no, no, like collectively five hours.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

No, so on stage, on and on. Stage time is five hours. He gets it. He's just trying to get me to say a year and a half. Red band understood.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I said he understood.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

On and off for about a year, total time on stage, five hours.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Correct.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It's just confusing to me when people are like, eight years, and I'm like, but how much fucking time on stage? Your way is so much dumber than their way, by the way.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I live in a smaller market, so there's not a ton of mics and stuff to go up at.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, I like it.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I try to.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Real estate. It's just because you're working with them all day.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah. Yeah.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, yeah. So good I opened a company and I started doing it.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Does it start with an R? It fucking does. It literally does.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

We met at a comedy show.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I was not. I had no interest at the time.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

In the same room, and he's hot, so it was kind of like, oh, whoa, a unicorn.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

He does not, no.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Oh, God. I was a teen mom.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

17 and a half and 16 and a half.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

So they're almost 18, almost 17. So they're almost adults.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

When I have to.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I hope so.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I mean, no, they interact with him, but it's more like a shared, you know. Yeah, we were teenagers, so, you know.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I guess not.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

You know, when you're kids and you're fucking around and you're making dumb decisions.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

You didn't notice that? There's this weird thing that some men will do where they'll finish and then keep going because they're so embarrassed by how quick they finished.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

I respect that question. No, it was always at his parents' house.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Just in a bedroom.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It was dark.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Probably. Probably in the garage ripping cigarettes.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Always his.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

It was rough.

KILL TONY
KT #719 - HARLAND WILLIAMS

Yeah, it was a rough house. My bedroom was the carport of the house that was closed in at some point. Wow.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Hello, Austin. How you doing? I'm here with my new fiance. She just got us tickets, and we got to fly out here to come see the show. She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving. For the first time, I come from a big family, four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

So as we're all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything, we called it dressing. She said, what's the difference between dressing and stuffing? I said, well, I'm not going to be dressing my dick in your ass after this. Just kidding. She's going to kill me for that. She did like me because she said I was a fun guy, like a mushroom. I met her in a bar. We were sitting there.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

She had told me that he's still laughing. I just got it. She told me that we were sitting in a bar and she bought me a drink. And she said, why are you sitting in here alone? And I said, well, I just broke up with my ex. She said I was too kinky for her. And she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex, too. He said that I was too kinky. And so one thing led to another.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky. So we go back to our house. We're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bathroom.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Okay, keep going. So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat of nine tails, stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as fuck. And I'm standing at the door ready to leave and she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were going to get kinky. I said, well, I already fucked your poodle and shit in your purse.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

You've heard these jokes before. I've never done this.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Um... You didn't write these, right? No, I didn't write these.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Well, the Thanksgiving one I wrote, I guess. I didn't write anything. I just kind of memorized it. I gotcha. You know what it is.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, she loves me. Okay.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

About five years now.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We haven't picked a date yet, no. My daughter's getting married, and so we're kind of letting her do her thing first. Got to pay for that and deal with that, and then we'll do ours afterwards.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, no, she didn't.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Just the two of us, yeah.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We came from Orlando.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Actually, we just saw you in Orlando like three months ago.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I build pools for a living.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

We are, yeah, we're busy.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, she walked by when we were in line standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up?

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I wasn't going to until she walked by because... Well, I mean, of course she's going to walk by.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Well, I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to Poor Choices and sign up, and we didn't make it over there. We got here about 745, so we were just standing outside.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

You guys heard this as well?

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Just me. I think I was the only one. Oh, you were the only one? Maybe, I don't know. It was a long line, actually.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Hey, I figured, fuck it, we came here, I'm going to do it, you know.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

No, we actually met at a bar. She was bartending at Twin Peaks in Orlando. Oh, wow.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

I said, I need to get your number.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

She does have nice tits.

KILL TONY
#701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Is she right here? No, she's somewhere back there.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Hi, Erica. Hey, there. How long you been doing stand-up? About ten years. Ten years?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Welcome to the show, Layman. How are you, buddy?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Oh, yeah.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

What do you mean by that exactly?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Exactly.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Did you really go to the Black History Museum?

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

What ethnicity are you again? Kajistani.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#698 - SAM TALLENT + ARI SHAFFIR

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you get a big joke book last time you were on? I got a big one and a little one.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Do you just get to a high point to look for Jews? Or what do you do?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Well, do you think it's because they had a girl president?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

We chatted about guns. He's freaky as fuck. That's Le Maire's military detail. You were scouting the food truck.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

I think we got to the bottom of them.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, between him and the last guest, we had the whole fall collection, dude.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

No, he saw it and he's like, no one will think I'm a faggot if I wear this.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That's just a little, just a little.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

LaMare trying to hold him down.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That was such a nice nerd spaz coming right out.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Can I ask an innocent question? Is this the latest in black-eye gene technology? No, I'm dead serious. I was curious. That is incredible. I know you guys had straps for a while. Now, a gully suit.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Hold on one second. He keeps fucking like going at the way. It's crazy. Wow. Bluer kisses the first time that he went. Are you OK, guy in the white hat?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

I think he talked into the mic with his hairline at first. That was just...

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, you look like a billy goop. Your goatee's receding, too, somehow.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Have you ever thought of becoming a Franciscan monk?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Yeah, you just step up on the curb. It's like, hey, honey, welcome back.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

That's all right, Brianna.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Thank you, Matt.

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Can I ask you a question? So you were with somebody, you had a kid, and they became gay?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Right on. So why does she have to be with the kid anymore?

KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE

Hell yeah. My goodness. What was the angle of the crash, if you don't mind me asking?

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

What's up, Austin? I love this dick-filled room. It's awesome. I love Kill Tony. But more about me. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. This is what we do for fucking comedy. I love it. Any chuckle fuckers? I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess, but all my ex-boyfriends said I taste funny, so that's why I'm here.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

It's worth something, right? Are you guys really... I understand I'm from L.A. I want to say I'm not liberal, but look at me. Right? I mean, you knew what I was gonna look like, right? But you pretty much knew. Like, you heard the voice. You're like, I know what she's gonna look like. Thank you, guys.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I'm still alive, I know. Shocking.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah, I forgot.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This is probably the highlight of my life right now. Yes, absolutely.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I mean, they didn't have room for you. Motley Crue.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Because I had to leave them. I had to leave the band. Never mind.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Didn't you say I left Motley Crue?

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Wow.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

That's the best offer I've had all day, thank you.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Almost five years.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This room right here right now. Okay, that's cool.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

This town is fucking awesome.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

No, I'm here for a week.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

So I'm leaving at four in the morning.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

I was here doing shit all week.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Don't worry.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Why do you got to do that to me?

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

You've missed me. I know.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Yeah, you.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Like six times.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

It's a story. It's a good one.

KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER

You have to sharpen your skills. I was playing a lot of poker, and I wanted to have my game all about poker, so I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game.