Joyelle Nicole Johnson
Appearances
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
That's the problem with North Africans. That's what I'm talking about. Hell yeah. I'm in. 100% agree. Let's go.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
What happens to you in the summertime? Where are we putting the Italians? Listen. I don't need they food. I don't like tomatoes. So they're going on the white side. Black people spend over a trillion dollars a year. I would love for the government to force us to spend it on our own people. This is very good. I like this a lot. I brought you over to the side. And the black airplane? Oh, come on.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
The soul plane, baby. I want to be on soul plane. Yes. It's going to be noisy on there, but that's what noise cancellation headphones are for.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
And they're going to have all the good movies? All the good movies. All the good music. Oh, man.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
So what's your take? Bring back segregation. 100% disagree. Dead act.
SubwayTakes
"Bring back segregation!!!" with Joyelle Nicole Johnson
OK, I like this. OK. You were saying that the black excellence. Absolutely.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
Yeah. Well, it's interesting because I grew up in Atlanta, so Jonan, which is also, that's how, I guess that's the place they call it, the dozens.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
So when we're going back and forth, that's what we call Jonan.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
I'm sure Kendrick Lamar will tell us.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
You've never been in a Bass Pro shop?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Eric Idle, Bridget Everett + Jeff Hiller, and more!
Yes, I love a Bass Pro Shop. Exactly.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
It's cinema at its finest, said the boss about the boss. Many consider Bruce Springsteen to be a genius who can do no wrong. So why is his favorite movie, The Boss, a 2015 comedy flop starring Melissa McCarthy? It's the best movie ever made, he explained in his memoir. He calls it the Nebraska of movies.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Just a reminder, Nebraska is a sparse and moody Springsteen album critics often consider as his best work. Meanwhile, The Boss is a movie critics described as hotel TV. But public disinterest and critical disdain be damned, Springsteen demands a sequel. So this week he announced he is writing, directing, and producing The Boss 2, double The Boss.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I finally have something that will rise to the perfect standard I set with Born in the USA. It's The Boss 2, oh, oh, oh.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I sure haven't. And I'm from New Jersey. Really?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
They don't look at you like that, Paula. They do not.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
AI terrifies me, but I actually like that. You really like that? Mm-hmm. You think you'd like an AI grandma? I don't know. My grandma was mean. I think she should be a little mean. Like, Daisy should be like, sit down somewhere. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Ooh, she had an evil cat, and this is why I hate cats, and the cat would, like, hide under the table and scratch us, all the kids, when we'd walk past, but he never messed with Grandma because he knew, and she knew he was scratching us, but she didn't care. Wow.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Yeah. Wow. I didn't realize until right now that I should talk to my therapist about that. Yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
No, I didn't do any of the excursions on the last wedding I went to. I don't like excursions.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I don't want to say his name. Sadly, you must. Trump.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
and started dating an Italian dude afterwards. I don't know.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Does that mean, like, Naked and Afraid is going to have HR?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
I think I'm going to do this for my stepfather because he's impossible to get gifts for.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
Yeah. He's also a jerk. But he loves being a jerk. And one year I got him Omaha Steaks, like a package from Omaha Steaks. And he was like, don't ever do that again. You don't know how to pick meat. And I was like, I didn't pick the meat. Yeah. You didn't go to the stockyard and say, that cow looks tasty. What are you talking about? So now I just give him Budweiser.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
Among the items were locks of hair from each of his concubines, holiday ornaments for the Chinese New Year, and a letter on papyrus from the emperor himself. The report detailed his true reason for extending and fortifying the wall. The emperor loved his dogs.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
While the massive project began as a way to keep out the Mongol hordes, Emperor Taitsu realized it could serve another purpose, to keep his precious Shih Tzus in. The final line in the note says, sure, the emperor hated Mongolians, but he loved his dogs more. So the response to the age-old question, who let the dogs out? Not Emperor Taitsu. Turns out...
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
Yeah. I feel like Lauren Sanchez is going to get this bag and take it to space with it. Probably, yes, yes.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
I don't like flip-flops. You don't? No, I don't like feet. And my boyfriend doesn't wear them. That makes me so happy.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
But I feel like if your dog is at your wedding, it also sleeps on the bed with you.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
I've never been happier to be the only person on this stage without kids.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
Oh, I love it. I'm obsessed with this situation. I don't know if anyone has ever looked into her eyes, but you shouldn't because she looks really evil. She looks like if Ursula and Maleficent had a baby. I don't know.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
She also isn't a good COO because he asked the question of like, you know, where'd you guys meet? And she was like, we're not answering that question. And I was like, okay, it's given. High class hooker. Yeah. But... That's very generous.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
For me, you need to have a stock answer, because I met my boyfriend at a funeral, and I don't tell anyone that will listen, so I would think she would actually have a stock answer for that, you know?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
I just love that I found out I have something in common with an Iowa farmer. Really? We're not on TikTok. Yeah, you have no idea. Yeah. If alpha males are doing that, if I was a man, I would be a beta cuck.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Natasha Rothwell
China is home to many tourist attractions. The Forbidden City, the Terracotta Army, and perhaps its greatest achievement of all, a wall. This week, portions of the Ming Dynasty extension eroded, and historians were excited to find a time capsule. To their delight, the peasant-turned-emperor, Taizu, had a sense of humor.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
LAUGHTER I would just like to say that I don't relate to this because my boyfriend is a bougie egg buyer. So we've been paying like $80. Oh, really? Yes. Have you guys seen the Vital Farms eggs? Okay, a couple people know what I'm talking about. You must not have kids either. So those are at $11 now.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Okay, so my friend was on SNL and she took me there to go see an episode, right? I had to go to the bathroom and she comes in and she was like, you have to leave the bathroom because Billy Crystal needs to use the bathroom. And I was like, what? And he opens the door and my pants were half down and he was like, I'm sorry, I gotta pee. So Billy Crystal saw me with my pants down.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
But I'm going to tell you, as a regrettable heterosexual, it is very sexy when men wear chunky sweaters. Really?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
That's crazy. to you for the Jones one. Thank you. All right.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
It's a delicacy in our home state, Peter, a knuckle sandwich. When you get knocked out for thinking a billionaire cared about the price of eggs.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Well, he's not special because I did the same thing to prepare for the role of me in the pandemic.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
And instead of hiring an ugly chick, they was like Charlize Theron.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
I have a terrible bladder. Shout out to the terrible bladder community. And yeah, okay. I feel seen. And I'm just, I hate how long movies are now, right? Like there should be intermissions because like I had to pee right before Defying Gravity and Wicked. Like, holding your pee during that song is very terrible.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Yeah. You know who I think should be banned? What? People with open-toed shoes on the airplane.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Elaine Smalls of Decatur, Georgia, is royalty in her social circles. She's been adept in her life at an odd talent, returning anything, an ability that has earned her the moniker the take-back queen. Now you can hire Elaine for anything from returning an old laptop that conked out past its warranty to furniture your child destroyed. She doesn't even need a receipt.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
Final sale isn't in her vocabulary. Her most popular service is her send-back special. For $20 and the price of an Uber, she will come to the restaurant you're eating at and send the food back that you do not like. She'll even teach you how to do it yourself. Baby steps. First, you learn to send back a dish because you didn't order it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
After just a couple of weeks, you'll be comfortable sending back dishes based on vibes alone. None of your friends will go to dinner with you anymore, but at least you're getting what you want. Her disclaimer, I only do this for large corporations. Mom and pop stores are safe from my cordial indignation.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Amber Maykut
When asked if she feels bad about taking advantage of corporations, her response, eat the rich. They can afford it.