Joe Hudson
Appearances
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And I think what surprised me about it is just like, especially open AI, just the folks are just sweeties. Like they're just like such lovely humans.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So what I would say is that Generally, we have this epidemic of stress and lack of enjoyment in our society right now. And the thing about that is that it's corrosive both on an individual and on a societal level. So individually, it means that we do not learn as well. It means that we make bad decisions. It means that we don't get the world that we want.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, the two things that, yes, I agree. That's the thought process. The two things that I think are being miscalculated there is just the idea of human needs. So when you're self-reliant, human needs in your mind exist as water, food, shelter, you know, maybe having some money. When you're not self-reliant, you realize human needs. And so there's not the need to survive.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's the need to thrive. And humans can't thrive without connection. People can't thrive without communication, with a sense of safety. There's a whole bunch of other needs that are there just to thrive. And so that's the first miscalculation. The second miscalculation they have is that that heartbreak can't create more happiness.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Every time you allow yourself, your heart to break, every time you allow your heart to break, it increases your capacity to love.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So my buddy, my buddy gets in this relationship, great relationship. He's like heavy drinker at the time. He's got a business. It's kind of doing okay. He's like, he's doing revegetation on Indian tribe. He's like doing this stuff. And this woman breaks up with him. And he asked me, you know, what should I do? And he has this long trip from Flagstaff to Yuma.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm like, every, I just want you to mourn, like cry, ridiculous cry on the way there and on the way back. So that's twice a week for a couple hours. And he calls me a couple of days later. He's like, man, the voices coming out of my, he's like, I'm wailing. I sound like, who knew that I could like make these sounds. Six months later, he's in shape. Six months later, his business is thriving.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Six months later, his home life is better. Everything is better about his life. And the next relationship he got into was twice as healthy because he mourned the thing. And the way he describes it is that I started mourning the relationship and then I mourned everything that got me into the relationship.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
All the things I'd learned, all the things that I thought were true that allowed me to put up with the stuff that I put up with or not speak my truth or not say the things that were important to me in that relationship. And so if we allow ourselves to feel that grief, it totally changes how we interact with the world. And another example of this is...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
My wife and I, we've been married 26 years and it's maybe seven. I don't know how many times now, but every once in a while we'll be in a fight and our process now is we'll just mourn the end of the marriage. We'll go and cry and just be like, it's not going to work and just fully mourn the marriage so that we can show up and say the things that we actually want to say that are our truth.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Because you're scared at the end of the marriage. How many things have you do not say in a relationship because you're scared of their They're going to react. They're going to abandon you. They're going to leave you. They're going to get mad at you, right? We walk on eggshells because of the emotional response of the other. If I fully grieve the end of the marriage, then I can act.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm like, I've already felt it. I'm already through it. I can be myself. It's the same way that the samurai or the Stoics or the Tibetan book of living and dying overcome fear of death. You just go through the thing and then you're like, because what we're avoiding is the emotional experience. We're not avoiding the actual thing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So a big high achiever thing that people all fear is, oh, I'm going to go homeless, right? If I don't keep on going, I'm going to go homeless. So if I said to somebody, yeah, you're going to be homeless, but you're never going to be happier. The joy that you're going to feel is going to be amazing. That level of connection, you're going to feel so good about yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Now, what the mind's going to go, that can't happen if I'm homeless. What is there to be afraid of? But what is there to be afraid of? Because we're actually scared of the emotional result of things, not the actual thing itself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It means that we're uncomfortably living. It means we die faster. All those things because we're stressed and we're not enjoying life. On a society level, if I'm stressed, I mean, the world's a threat. That's why we stress as mammals, right? So, oh my gosh, the world is a threat. And if I act like the world is a threat, then eventually I'm like, you're a threat, you're a threat, you're a threat.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's a great example of those things. So Generally, if you're walking on eggshells, it's one of two ways. Either I'm going to break the person if I say my truth, and that means you're dealing with somebody who's more passive aggressive. If you're dealing with somebody who's more aggressive, then you're worried about them getting angry at you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so you're trying to manage them. And if you're managing them, you're not in your own truth. So in your own truth, you're going to say your truth and loving open heart, and you're going to deal with the consequences of it. And if you don't, you get resentment. That's where the resentment comes from. Where does passive aggression come from? A person who's not able to be aggressive.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So if I'm doing a workshop and someone gets passive aggressive with me, I'm like, okay, just get angry. So it means that anger was bad in their childhood. And so I can't be angry. So I'm going to go nice dress. I'm not going to actually, or I'm going to be late or I'm going to not call you when I say I'm going to call you all the things that passive aggressive people do.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The thing about passive aggression is that the people who are passive aggressive often don't know they're doing it. Sometimes they do, but oftentimes they don't know they're doing it. What they feel, like the person who's self-reliant feels alone, the passive aggressive person feels like they're stuck. They feel like, I can't get out of this situation. And so the only thing I can do is. Dig away.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, dig away. Which, by the way, is what we do with ourselves. That's how the voice in the head works, the exact same way. So some part of our voice in the head that we hear and we can really go with is, you should work out more. I mean, you probably don't do that, but you should work out more. And then there's this other part that is like, yeah, maybe I won't go to the gym. I'm going to.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so we actually have the same relationship inside of us. And if that relationship inside of us changes, then the relationship externally changes. Yeah. So if you don't accept your own passive aggression internally, you won't accept it in the outside world.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Eventually you're going to be a threat to me. If I treat you like an asshole, you're going to act like an asshole eventually. If I treat you like a threat, you're going to act like a threat eventually. So you're looking at our world right now and it's a whole bunch of stressed out people treating everybody like threats and everybody's starting to act like a threat.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Right. And the worst part is that it's you're less likely to get it Because if you're worried about the reaction of asking for what you want, then you're going to ask for it in a weird way. So if I'm scared you're going to get angry at me, I'll be like, oh, yeah. So I was thinking I was kind of would love it if we could, you know, do a thing. And that's like, oh, I don't want I don't want that.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
No. You know, I want to be met with somebody who's in themselves. And so so not only is it. not being direct, it also makes it an increased likelihood that you're not going to get the thing you want, which is brutal.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. But it's such a vulnerable thing to just ask directly for what you want. People like that is a really, as a matter of fact, so yesterday I'm with a guy who I've worked with for a long time and he's showing me his dating app. And in his dating app, he has a question. Just tell me one thing that you want. That's his prompt. One thing that you want. And I was like, what percentage of women...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Answer that question. He's like, that's about 5%. I'm like, that's probably where you're going to find your woman. You can actually own what that means that she's done the work that she can actually own her want. Yeah. So yeah, it just happened the other day.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Why do people get defensive? Because they're protecting their ego. And they don't even actually know what they're protecting typically. So anything that you can get defensive about is true about you. So you could tell me I'm stupid. I can think of a way I'm stupid. You can tell me I'm a dick. I can think of a way I'm a dick. You can tell me I'm wrong. I can think of six ways I'm wrong.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's nothing you could say to me that isn't fucking true. So what am I defending? So I have to actually believe that there's a me to defend, to be defensive. It means I have to be in my head. I can't be in my heart. If I'm in my heart, there's nothing to defend. It could hurt. Oh God, that hurts. Like, While you're saying that, ouch, I'll say ouch to that. But there's nothing to defend.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It doesn't matter whether you're looking at politics or marriages or relationships. So to me, then the question is, how do we work on that stress and increase the enjoyment? And typically, the way people look at that is... I'm too busy. The world is too complicated. The politics are doing this. There's a big unknown future. I have my phone and it's distracting me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, who am I proving it to? What exactly am I defending? Anytime I see somebody defend something, I'm like, what exactly are you defending? And that really throws people because they can't find it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Okay. So there's one thing that it rhymes with the voice in your head. If you say something to me that makes me defensive, whether it's at me or not at me, it rhymes with something that I say in my head to myself. I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Or I shouldn't eat wheat. Like you're like, you say to me, uh, yeah, I've given up gluten. And I get defensive.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It means there's something in me who's also like, yeah, my diet is kind of crap. Yeah, exactly. So it's rhyming with something in my head is one of the things that we're defensive against. And if you think about it this way, this is a key to like unlocking the way the negative self-talk works is that you do that same thing with yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Again, your voice tells you this, you should do this, and then there's a defensiveness that happens. And that keeps that whole loop cycling. Yeah. Like there's a resistance to force. And when we try to force ourselves, we resist against it. And so that just keeps the whole thing in place. And it's why, which is typically why shame is an emotion that stagnates.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Anything that you're ashamed about is something that you're going to continue doing. So if I said to you, Write down the five things that you've told yourself you should do for the last 10 years and you haven't changed or you haven't done. I guarantee you there's shame on all those things. I guarantee you that you tell yourself you should do all of those things because shame stagnates.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it's why self-improvement doesn't work as well as self-understanding. Because if you're shaming yourself to improve, if you're on yourself to improve, that force will be resisted. And it happens between people and it happens within yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, what if that is the case? Not what. It is absolutely fucking true. There's nothing you could say. Say something to me that isn't true about me. Not physically, obviously. You could say, like, I'm six foot nine. Mm-hmm. But, like, there's no part of humanity that I don't encompass.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Liar? Yeah, I can think of it. Like, anything. Mm-hmm. It's absolutely true.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So the idea that to be defensive against it is, it's just, you know, it's almost like admitting when you're defensive, you're almost admitting like, yeah, I'm really ashamed about that. Which is actually a really cool thing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you're working, if you're like, if I'm with my wife or I'm with my kid and I see them get defensive, I see what actually is happening is they're in shame and I address the shame. So in a relationship, if I see somebody getting defensive, I'll say like, oh, there's nothing in me that wants you to feel bad about this thing that I just said.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So they put it all outside of themselves. And that's actually... They contribute. Having a cell phone buzzing all the time is going to increase your stress, no doubt. But they're not the actual cause of the stress. The cause of the stress... is three things. And then this is where I get, this is where I'm really like, this is where my work comes in.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's nothing in me that wants you to feel like you should be ashamed or that you've done anything wrong. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
and open ai you're now the head of what at open ai no not head um i just i'm working there maybe like 25 days this year but i'm um working with the compute and research teams so basically the management of the of the folks who are creating the technology yeah it's uh it's great work the the
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The first thing is repressed emotions causes a shit ton of stress in humans. Second thing is lack of connection causes a huge amount of stress. And the third thing, which I think is most relatable for people is the negative self-talk. causes a lot of stress. So if there's a voice in your head that is constantly criticizing you, you're constantly under attack. That's constant stress.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's like a war zone in your head. And so that's where my work is. My work is in changing the voice in the head. And the thing about the voice in the head is that I think most people, the way they think about it is I want it to stop or I'm going to be in self-improvement. I'm going to improve myself. I'm going to improve. But that's just more abuse.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So I flip from self-improvement to self-understanding. Like today we were starting this thing and you're looking at the thing, you understand the videos and you're, and it's because you have understanding of all that stuff. You didn't say, I've got to learn better, better. I got to be better. I got to be, you're just like, you learned the stuff and then it happens.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
,, So oftentimes the people who are searching for enlightenment, they think once they get the enlightenment, then it'll be done. That's just the ego talking. That's just, oh, there is going to be this end point where then I'm going to be happy. That is an ego thought process so you can whip yourself and beat yourself up to get to that place.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it is just a way to convince yourself that what you want can't be found right now. So if I said to you right now, without going into the past, without going into the future, you can't find any evidence from the past or any evidence in the future to find a problem with you. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, there's none. You can't find it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So you need an end because the other choice is to be in this moment, which is where the ego doesn't get to exist.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The same thing you're talking about, right? It is. The acorn. Wheat is wheat, even if people think it is. I'm going to geek out. Let me geek out for just a second. So today I got a text from somebody who is a Zen teacher that I know, and he was worried about AI and so found out that I'm working. You're the guy to ask? Yeah, apparently I am. Are they coming for my Zen teaching?
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But somehow when we interact with ourselves, it's, you got to be better. You got to be better. You got to be better. Instead of how do I understand myself? And then all of that changes just by the nature of understanding, right? And in emotions, what you'll hear a lot of in the sphere is emotional regulation, emotional management.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. And my response was, just like everything, this river is going to find the lowest ground, so where it's going to end up is already determined. And it's the same thought process that you just said there. Like, even the action that I take and that all the people will take towards influencing AI, like, all of that is set from that same kind of point of view. So... our job is the same.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's like show up with love, do what you're called to do, you know, draw the boundaries, say the truth that you can see. And, but the whole idea of like, I have to manage my entire world to get to the place is just, it's just a huge amount of stress. It's all self-talk.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, yeah. I think about this in a slightly different way, but there is no life without tension, right? A cell doesn't exist without tension. Your lungs don't exist without tension. A salad? Cell. No cell. A salad doesn't exist without tension.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Okay. Getting back to it, a cell doesn't exist without tension. So life doesn't exist without tension. So the idea that you're going to be at peace when there's no tension... The idea that you're going to be at peace when you've narrowed everything down so that you don't have to actually feel that tension is death. So you don't find peace by having no tension.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You find peace by enjoying the tension, welcoming the tension, looking forward to the tension.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Safety is an illusion. What the fuck is safe? Like we're sitting in like, we're in Austin, Texas and a cool thing. Like, yeah, it's pretty safe, but hurricane, earthquake, fire, they're like, safety is just something that we like to pretend exists. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And this weird thing happens in our brain that it's like we either have, we are either controlled by our emotions or we're controlling our emotions. And neither of them lead to emotional clarity. One, repression. Like right now, if I said to you, stop feeling all of your emotions, I'm going to ask you to try to do it. Stop feeling all of your emotions.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Why? Why? So I'm not scared to say things that aren't important to me and vulnerable to me. So I could qualify that and say that quote. I could qualify that quote and say with an open heart, to say it with an open heart. And I think that would probably be more accurate. But if I'm scared to say it, it means that there's something important and it's something vulnerable.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If I say the important thing to you and I'm vulnerable with you, our connection deepens. Always the case.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If I am not willing to say that, it means I'm scared of a reaction that you're going to have for me, which means I'm prioritizing you more than I'm prioritizing my own needs. Yes, yes. I'm actually prioritizing my fear over our connection as well. And over yourself. Yeah, and over myself. That's right. And so this is how I run my business. It's how we run our marriage.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And this prevents resentment. It's amazing. If I find something that doesn't feel right, I will speak to it. I might not speak to it right now. It might take a day because I'm not going to be heartless and not pay attention to the person or have compassion or empathy for where they're at. But I'm going to say the thing that's scary to say or the thing that's bothering me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And my expectation with the 18 or so people in our organization is that they do the same thing. We tell them that's the job. You got to say the hard thing. We actually start our meetings with, what's the scary thing you're not saying? Because that's what keeps relationships clean. That's what keeps the problems at bay. That's like stepping into it instead of trying to avoid it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you're not trusting them.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I remember having this moment where, so I, we did this in our company and I was just like, we, we do this. We're going to, if something's upsetting anybody, we talk about it. That's how we're doing. And one day I came into, and I was the woman who I, at the time worked with most closely. And she, her name's Sarah. She's amazing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Anybody who's worked in our, or done anything in our organization knows Sarah. She's amazing. And I walked in, I was like frustrated. I was like, oh God. And she goes, oh, I'm so excited that you're frustrated. I was like, what? She goes, every time you're frustrated, it means that you're seeing something that we're not seeing and we're going to make a big improvement. So what is it?
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Totally changed the whole... The way I hold my own frustration, it changed that. And then it also changed how I looked at the whole business because I was, oh, wow, this is really important. It's like alchemy.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
your muscles constricted, your face just got red. That is stress. That is what stress is. So self-management of your emotions is a tightening down of the system. And so instead, we think about it as emotional clarity.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, I would say I would probably start off saying something a little provocative like, wow, you're a really non-compassionate human being. So... The reason I would say that, first of all, is selfishness generally is just something we were told we were when we weren't doing what our parents wanted us to do.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So it was just basically our parents being selfish and we weren't doing what they wanted and they're like, you're selfish. That's a great take. So that's where selfishness generally comes from. The second thing is, let's say, let's bring God into it for a minute. If you believe that what's best for you
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
ultimately, ultimately what's best for you is not what's best for everybody else, then God is a sadist. God has set up a world where... You have to make a trade. You have to make a trade. And my experience... My experience is that when I am doing what's actually deeply right for me, I am doing what's deeply right for everybody.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so what that means is that if you have a tube, let's say, of emotion moving through you, and let's call that this emotion, particularly anger, and you crank it this way, it's like, nice shirt. And if you crank it this way, it's, Fuck you, you son of a bitch. But if it's actually like open, that anger is clarity. It's boundaries. It's Gandhi. It's Martin Luther King.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Right? There's no... Apologies. I thought that was off. No, no, no. Yeah, the... Deeply right for me. Yeah, deeply right for somebody else. So my experience is that the compassionate act...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
is often hard sometimes easy sometimes in the middle but it's it's the thing that is best for both you and for me if i am not going to be true so for instance the easiest way to look at this is do you want me to come to your party if i feel obligated to come to your party no yeah exactly I'm saying I can't be selfish.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I have to go because I said I was going to go, but now I'm coming out of obligation. You don't fucking want me there if I'm obligated. And that if you really get in touch with, even in business, if you're like, oh, do I really, is the thing that's really best for me to get that extra 10% or the thing that's really best for me is having a really strong relationship.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And having something that's equitable and feels good for everybody or feels equally bad for everybody, it's just going to be better. So compassion is often saying the really hard thing. It's saying, I'm not interested in this conversation. And I cannot tell you how many friendships I developed because of that exact thing. I remember I was sitting there getting pitched by a guy once.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And he was talking at some point, I was just like, my entire body just constricted when you said that. He looked at me. He's like, what? I'm like, yeah, my whole body just constricted because you just disconnected from me and tried to sell me instead of being a human with me. And my, that relationship is like still strong to this day.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's the only way things go really well. Because if you're not being yourself, then the world you create is not for you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's what that anger looks like. And so, but you don't get that through management. You get that through welcoming and loving the emotion. So that's the emotional side of it. And then the last side is just connection.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, okay, so I'm going to not be me. And now the world has created, I've created a world for not me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Why is there resentment now? Well, that's why.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So that's what he's doing. It doesn't feel good in my system to walk away from a conversation without saying, hey... goodbye or something. Maybe he did.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, it's similar to... The interesting thing, one thing I want to say about that, the interesting thing is that it creates an open heart. If you look at the people who live that way, my experiences, my experience of living that way, is that because you're accepting yourself, it's easy to accept other people.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The more of yourself that you can accept, the more you can accept of others, the more kinds of people that you can accept. So there's also that reflection. So the people who live like that, our mind wants to say they're selfish and they're like full of hubris and arrogance and blah, blah, blah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But when you actually meet those people, like if you've ever hung out with like a llama for like, that's how they operate. That's how they move in the world. And they're completely dedicated to compassion. Mm-hmm.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So whether it's the longest study Harvard ever did that shows that connection creates better health outcomes, more happiness, or just the fact that if you do the Occam's razor of connection when you're thinking about any problem that you have, it almost always helps you solve the problem. How so? So how do I get a better podcast? Oh, how do I connect with the people better?
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
What's the... Fear. Okay. Yeah. So anytime there's that binary, then there's a fear. In this particular case, it's a fear that was probably built at a very young age that was... mom's going to be happy with me. I have to abandon myself or dad's going to be happy with me and I have to abandon myself or I don't abandon myself and I'm going to get punished.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And that's, I think where that typically comes from.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So it's really about, so this is where the emotions come in. So if you can imagine the emotion that you're going to have to feel when you say the thing and you're going to get rejected and you can live that experience and you can welcome that emotion, then there's nothing to be scared of. Right. Yep. They're going to get mad at me. okay, I felt that I know what that's like.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm going to be there with them. I can, if, if the interesting thing is you could get really mad at me and if I can stay in an open heart, it's fucking not a problem at all. My job is to have people get mad at me. Like when we do our... Yeah, I'm going away with you at the end of this year. Maybe I'll be getting mad at you at some point. I guarantee.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And I mean, if you look at my handle on Twitter, it's fuck you, Joe Hudson. It's F-U Joe Hudson. Oh, right. I didn't know what that stood for. It's because people, when I work with them, often are like, fuck you. Like that's the job. But if I'm sitting there with a big open heart, like it's my response typically is I love you too. Yeah. Because that anger is a vulnerability. That anger is a shit.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
They care. You don't get angry at shit you don't care about. So it's like, but if I get defensive, it's fucking hell on earth. If I get scared, it's hell on earth.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And all these relationships that people get into, it's amazing because there's all so scared of either breaking the other person or their anger.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Those are two different things. So one is if you close your, I don't know if you want to do this, but for the audience, if you close your eyes and you feel unconditional love for a minute, And then switch and then feel full empowerment. Like you're Superman and there's no kryptonite. You don't have to worry about the future. Like you've got it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
How do I have a better relationship with my wife? Oh, I'm going to connect better. Because connection is what humans actually want. So any problem that you have that's human-based, which is most of the problems that we have. So it even can help you. Let's say you're a hedge fund manager. You're programming the next AI program.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you feel weak, if you've not weak, isn't the right word, but there's lots of ways of feeling weak that are great. But the, if you feel like you don't have, you're not empowered in the world, then you're not empowered to love fully.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh, you're totally responsible for your own... Your capacity to receive love and your capacity to give love often are pretty much very highly correlated and absolutely your responsibility. However, when you do that, what you notice is that all of a sudden you're surrounded by a lot of very loving people.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You can't trust somebody who doesn't have conflict with you. That's the whole thing. When you watch CEOs who are conflict avoidant, their companies become untrustworthy. Nobody trusts each other in their companies. Trust is built. It's obfuscation all the way down. Yeah, because trust is built. You and I have conflict and we get through it and we're better on the other side. It's why...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
People who have been in war together have lifelong, forever friendships because they have a deep trust that we will get through the shit together. You had my back, I had yours. Yeah. And same with a marriage or same with a relationship.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If every conflict you have turns into some self-recognition, turns into some recognition of how you want to be different or some realization of yourself, then that relationship is solid. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If every conflict doesn't get brought out, you don't know what's going to happen, or it just turns into this yelling match that you throw underneath the rug, then that relationship will absolutely fall apart at some point.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's, I mean, that you're describing like half the business meetings of my life, not business meetings, but like, no, I'm meaning like every, when you're a venture capitalist every evening, when you're like,
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The cool thing is that when I think about generally like the creation of technology or the creation of art or the creation of this podcast, it's a reflection of the consciousness of the people who are creating it. And so to be able to be in there and work about with consciousness and how the culture's consciousness is and how the people interact with each other and how they view themselves.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
networking everybody drinks together like it is a thing that you do and and it totally makes sense because it builds trust yes and one of the other things it does you know reliably if you drink a lot you're going to suffer the next day so there is a
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
you know, and I know that if you're playing sports or if you're programming, your level of self-connection is going to influence how well you perform. We call it flow, but it's really just connection. So if you look at connection, it's just very productive, but it also is what we are drawn to as humans. Like when my daughter was like, not only like, I think she was like 18 months old.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I love that thought process.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And we're going to share an experience that we're neither of us are going to be entirely proud of explaining to other people.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So we have, you have this thing on each other. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
When I'm asked by people about, is this the right person for me? My answer is almost always the same, which is two things. One, are they working on themselves? And do they see the relationship as a way to work on themselves? Two is when you have conflict, how's the repair? And if you have those two things, it'll work out. It might not be pretty.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It might be hardcore for a while, but it will work out.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Well, we can do rupture well, but we can't do repair well. Yeah, and then it just turns to resentment, and then resentment to disdain, and then it's over.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
There's a couple of things that typically in a relationship, one of the main ways resentment happens is that traditional say someone has the male role, the female role, the male role often is like, my job is to try to make this person happy. That's going to create resentment. Just that action right there.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
My job is to make this person happy because what you're saying is you can't make yourself happy. You need me. Fuck you. I don't need you. That's the underlying thing that's happening. Yeah. So you'll see, oh, the man is like, and it happens both ways, don't get me wrong, but the man is like, oh, I need to, I need to, like, I've done everything I can to make her happy and she's still not happy.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It makes me misty thinking about this. Like, If I came in all amped, my nervous system was all amped, she would like sit on my lap and she'd grab my face and she'd be like, I love you, daddy. She's like, I need to feel that connection with you. Yeah. Now she makes fun of me before.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I mean, how many guys have you heard that from? It's like, right, she's not happy because you're not treating her like a full-grown fucking adult who knows how to take care of herself. And that is one of the main things that resentment comes from. The other thing that resentment comes from is that I'm not speaking my truth. So I don't say the thing because I'm scared of the conflict.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Eventually I have to compromise myself. And if I'm compromising myself enough, I am going to be pissed at somebody and it's going to be you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. And I'm going to call it, and it's going to look like resentment because I can't be just outright mad at you. It's just going to be this low level thing that happens. So if you want to cure resentment in a relationship, have the hard conversations with respect, with love.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, and there's a lot of tools on that. What are some of your favorites? Agree to some rules on fighting. That's a really good one. Go and get angry, but not with each other present. Like, hey, we're having a fight. I'm going to go fucking yell. You go fucking yell. And then we're going to come back. I like getting naked for a fight. That one really worked. Completely naked.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It totally changes the dynamic of the fight. Making sure the person feels deeply listened to is another great one of, I'm just going to repeat what you're saying and see if I've got it right. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's really what that is. Yeah. As if that's going to work.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I do think that might be useful. Totally can. I didn't give it to you in that moment because you had already accessed it. So I wasn't going to like let that, but the, yeah. So the way we think about it is a simple acronym we call view, which is vulnerability, impartiality, empathy, and wonder. Yeah. So you can access any one of them and it'll open your heart.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So vulnerability means I'm going to say the scary thing. Impatiality means I'm not going to try to manage you or try to get you anywhere. I'm just going to be with you as humans. Empathy means I'm going to emotionally be with you, but I'm not going to be in you. So it doesn't mean I believe your story. It doesn't mean that I'm like with you in the thing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm going to be in myself, but I'm going to... When you cry, I don't go, it's going to be okay. I'm like, oh yeah, fuck, that hurts. And then wonder, which is curiosity without trying to find an answer. It's the way we look at a sunset or the way a little kid picks up a frog. If I can just be in wonder with you, just like one of them, if I can just be, I have no idea.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I have an idea of who you are. Let's say you were my brother. I have an idea. I have this whole history, but instead I'm going to drop all that shit. And I'm just going to be like, what is actually going on? What is it that I don't know about you? Heart opens. Oh, I'm going to say the scary thing. Like, bro, I love you, but that thing you did really fucking hurt me. Boom. My heart opens.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'm going to empathize with you. I'm going to be with you in your emotion. Boom, my heart opens. So all of those are the, are just, we just call it view. And that's any one of those tools will work. Multiple of the tools work really well. And why is opening your heart such a panacea? It's not particularly a panacea. I mean, it feels good. So there's that, you know, like, but it's not a panacea.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's just really effective. Like we have mirror neurons. So I hang out with you and I have an open heart. You're more likely to have an open heart. You know that person who's like open hearted and everybody gets around them and they're open hearted with them. And occasionally someone's a dick and they're still open hearted and they look like a real dick. And so it's just really effective.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Typically, it comes from somebody who was raising us. Typically. And that could be, as a matter of fact, that same daughter and I were listening to our podcast on voice in the head. And she's like, I, she was 10 years old. She's like, I know where my voice in the head comes from. She's like my teacher and my grandma. And like, she just like named the people she could hear in her head. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's that you create a world where people are open hearted with you and you have more depth and you have more connection and people want to help you more. Yeah. All those things happen. It's just an effectiveness thing. It also feels really good. It also makes it that you treat other people with a tremendous amount of compassion, which is all good things.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh, yeah, that one. Yeah. Yeah. So when we do, we do this one thing about working with the voice in the head. And at one point, we'll have everybody get really, really angry at the voice in the head and dominate it. Because it's the first step of being able to love something.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you think that something is controlling you, that you don't have choice, that you have to subjugate yourself or cut off a part of yourself because of this thing, it's really hard to love. And that's what happens inside of relationships that fall apart. It's like, I've given so much of myself, I'm so oppressed by you that I can't love you. And it's the problem in our political world too.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's like... When you appear angry at somebody politically, it means you feel like you're being oppressed. And so there's no heart opening. So there's no fucking solution. Doesn't matter which side of the aisle you're on. This is how it works. And so, I mean, it's what allows.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so if you look at someone like a Gandhi, for instance, or Mother Teresa or a Martin Luther King, they walked into the world and they're like, you don't oppress me. And it's because they could love. Gandhi could love the British people and the parliament and all that. He had a big open heart. And because he could, he could not agree. You cannot agree that you're being oppressed.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so I think there was a New York Times writer, at least this is the way I heard this story. There was a salt mine. They were controlling the continent through salt. He has 500,000 people lined up to take the salt mine. And there's like 20 guards or something, you know, some version of that. And there's four by four coming in.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The guards beat them down and they go and they could mob the place they could win. And the New York Times reporter apparently wrote something to the fact of it's not a question of when they'll be free. They are already free. they're like, I, they can be oppressed because they had an open heart. So it works both ways, but it's really hard. If you're in your mind, you think you're oppressed.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So it's basically stories that we were told when we were younger. So if mom and dad are mad at you or, And you're thinking to yourself, oh, that has to be something I did. It doesn't have to do with, you know, at eight, you're not like, it's their coffee habit or, you know, they had a bad day at work. So then you start, oh, I shouldn't do that. I have to do this.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's really hard to have an open heart towards somebody or love them. But if you can get over that, then you can love them. And then you can't be oppressed.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Um, So if you're giving a bit of yourself to somebody, it means you feel like you had no choice. That's not something that you would do unless, oh, there's a consequence. Oh, they're going to do this. Oh, I'm going to be killed. Oh, I'm going to be... And so obviously there's people who are actually oppressed, but I'm talking about it on a psychological level. And... Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you're basically trying to figure out how to exist in the world. And this voice starts developing in your head. It's an incredibly non-productive voice. It takes so much energy. I think it's the Cleveland Clinic. I could have that wrong, but they say that there's 50,000, 60,000 thoughts that a person has a day. Most of those repetitive, many of those negative.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. ,,,
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it frees up so much energy when that stuff changes.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You're constantly under attack. You're going to be exhausted. The amount, like as I worked with the negative self-talk and as that voice just dissipated, the amount of stuff that I can do, the energy that I have in the world is just, it's just unreal. I never even thought it was possible.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you can see it like in my business, you can see people just are, how are you creating so much content so quickly? The people I work with are, It took me a while because my expectation was that everybody else should be able to work at this level. But I'm often working. I always make time for my family. I always make time for my exercise and my mental health.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But outside of that, I will often work from 7 to 11 at night, happy as a clam, without being exhausted because I'm not using dirty fuel. And that's the thing that I think people have often is... They think, oh, if I beat myself up, I'll perform. But it's really dirty fuel. It works, but it's really fucking dirty fuel. And so they get exhausted. They burn out in their career.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
How many entrepreneurs have you met who are like, okay, then I'm going to be able to sell my company and be happy? It's like, I wouldn't sell my company. My wife and I were sitting down. We were finished a seven-day retreat, like the one that you're going to come to. It is... Fucking hardcore. And we're tired. You're exhausted.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And we're sitting in this hot tub and we were talking about this transaction that we could have made for a lot of money and that we didn't make it. And I was saying, I'm really, it was years ago. I was like, I'm really grateful that that happened. And she said, yeah, me too. So I think we would still be married, but I don't think that we would have started this business.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And she goes, yeah, we wouldn't have. And then I said, but if somebody offered us a billion dollars for our business and our business is not even worth even close to a billion dollars, right? But they said that we couldn't do what we do. Would you take the money? And we both went, No. Because you want to, but we were like, no.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And I remember, weird part of the story, but I came home and told my girls that thing. And then like three days later, my youngest was like, I'm looking for my billion dollar idea. I'm like, oh, you want to be a billionaire? She's like, no, I want an idea that I wouldn't sell for a billion dollars, which is like so sweet. But you don't get that if you can't have that kind of lifestyle.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You can't have that kind of joy. unless you're like not beating yourself up over it all the fucking time. If you're beating yourself up all the time, you just want to sell it, get your exit, hang out on a beach, and then beat yourself up for not starting your second company, which there's somebody listening who knows exactly what I'm talking about.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh yeah. So there's, so again, uh, head, heart, gut. Um, what's happening is the head, they're constantly been beating themselves up for years. And so their, um, their nervous system level, their adrenals are shot. So there's, there did some study, if I recall correctly, where, um,
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
They took a whole bunch of CEOs, put them in a house, told them they couldn't talk about work, but they just had to hang out for three days, nothing to do. And then they had a group of psychologists come in and say, we want you to diagnose these people, but you can't ask them about work. And they came out saying diagnosis, like a house full of depressed people.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so you see these big time CEOs when they retire, they go into this like two or three year in their pajama moment and they beat themselves up for not.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
This is the only thing that you've ever known. So it's completely normalized. You're not even getting the idea of like, oh, it could be different. This is just it. And we're geared, neurologically speaking, we're geared...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Very, very, very forthright. I like that. Yeah. So oftentimes, so there's the adrenal fatigue, there's the constant self-abuse. And if they actually take a break and they stop abusing themselves, then the recovery time is much quicker. You still have the adrenal... recovery time that you have to deal with. And there's lots of supplements and things you can do to help with that.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But otherwise, and then emotionally, the problem is, is that they've been living under this fear for an extended period of time, which means that they're not actually feeling their full breadth of emotion. So if they can actually start feeling their full breadth of emotion, it helps with the recovery.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
to to be programmed in those years so you know the brain waves theta brain wave is a brain wave that basically is the programming brain wave right it's like it's that place between awake and asleep is when adults feel it typically um but kids feel it most of the time from zero to seven years old so in human development terms they're basically in that place that is spongy yeah Exactly.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, so I would say, like, if we go back to the beginning of the podcast where I said there was these three things, connection, emotional clarity, and the negative self-talk in the head. If you look at your essay, you don't want to feel this, you don't want to feel this, you don't want to feel this. So that's what's happening. The dopamine fix is the nervous system thing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And it's why they believe in fairy tales and Santa Claus and all that stuff, because they're in that world. And so it's like the place where we get programmed. And so that's why if you have certain modalities of healing, there's some that is like, I can describe everything that's wrong with me, but nothing has changed. That's because you're working in the head.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I don't want to feel this is the heart thing. And the head thing is, oh, I'll stay busy enough not to look at the actual big issue. So that's one of the things that I say. But the other thing, the thing that helped me make the transition was the understanding that enjoyment was efficiency. If I'm going to... I think maybe we talked about this last time. I can't remember. I did? Yeah, okay.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But basically, a fast car is not an efficient car. An efficient car is a car that uses less fuel. Enjoyment is how we know we're using less fuel. So if you say, what does an efficient Chris Williamson create as compared to a fast Chris Williamson? I'm going to go for efficient. Like... oh, that means that you can do this podcast.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you're doing it in full enjoyment, probably with like a third of the energy, which means now you have two thirds energy to go build something else that's cool or a family or whatever it is that gives you purpose. And so when I recognize that, I did two things. The first thing I recognized is that enjoyment isn't what you're doing. It's how you're doing it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
To me, it's a complete honor to be able to work there with them.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
At least in part, it's how you're doing it. So right now I can say to you, how do we enjoy this moment? 10% more. Right. Well, yeah. How do I enjoy these emails? 10% more. And that changes, that makes us more efficient. And then there's also, what do I enjoy doing? But it's both.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It can't be, I will only do what I enjoy because that doesn't fucking work because we're going to not enjoy ourselves 20% of the time, no matter what we're doing to some degree, unless we learn how to enjoy whatever it is that we're doing.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So, yeah, this is when I was in L.A. and this is like when I was like meditating seven hours a day or something. And I decided I was going to only do for I think it was one or two weeks. I'm only going to do what I enjoy. And I hated fucking taking out the trash. And I was sitting there at the trash can smelling trash. I did not want to smell trash. That was not enjoyable.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I did not want to take out the trash. And I was just standing by the trash can for minutes, maybe longer. And then I was like, wow, I have to learn how to enjoy taking out the trash or learn how to enjoy the smell. And I learned how to enjoy taking out the trash.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Which was such a recognition that I wasn't going to control my environment into enjoyment. I was going to learn how to enjoy my experience and control my environment. Both of those two things are levers that I have for it. And so if you focus on that, then all that other stuff takes care of itself. All that other stuff occurs because you're focused on your own efficiency and
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
If you're working more intellectually, if you're working in what that theta brainwave space, you're like, I don't really can't describe the whole thing, but shit, my world's changed. And that's why those when those modalities, oftentimes the ones that work really effectively are the ones that you can't quite explain what the fuck happened. Stuff like breathwork, perhaps. Yeah, exactly.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you'll be sitting there doing something and you'll notice, oh, it's so easy to delegate something from a place of enjoyment. From a place of rush, it's really hard to delegate something. I'm just going to get it done. It's just me. I'll be reliable. I'll get it done. I can finish it off. It's quicker to do it this way than to hand it to somebody else.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you're enjoying, you can't be in that rush and therefore life becomes much easier to delegate as well. And then there's all this extra space to do, have those really creative, cool ideas.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I would not even use the word nice. Nice is maybe a problematic word there too. It's doing the thing that cares for. Okay. Because sometimes it's not fucking nice. Yes. You know, like the best experience of this, I was like in the seventh grade. No, no, wait, wait, what grade? I was, no, I was in high school. I was a freshman in high school.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I went to a boarding school because I was a fucking problem kid and had a green Mohawk. And, you know, it was like, no, this isn't happening. And I just lied a ton to try to make people like me. I was just lying all the, and this guy, I still remember his name. And if he's listening right now, his name is Alex Bell.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And he just came to me one of the last couple of days of school and he said, Joe, just so you know, everybody knows that you're lying. And if you just were yourself, it would be so much easier for us to like you. And I stopped lying that day. I mean, not completely, I'm sure, but that habit of habitually lying just stopped.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
because that guy did an incredibly compassionate, not fucking very nice thing. Took a big risk, said a very scary thing to me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Everybody but Alex Bell just had that feeling. God damn it, Joe is there. He's fucking lying. I can't say anything to him. Alex Bell, he felt like this. I said that to Joe. Compassion for him, compassion for me.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, that's the thing we were talking. You've said it, I've said it. If you're not being yourself, you can't be accepted as yourself. You can't create a world for yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. I hadn't thought about it that way. Actually, that's actually, how true is that? I think that's pretty fucking true. I think you can get, I think you can get Instagram accepted for not being yourself. I think you can get like not, not a deep form of acceptance for not being yourself, but I don't think anybody gets deeply accepted for if they're not being themselves.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Oh, wait, wait. I haven't heard that. That's so good for so many companies I've been involved in. When a measure becomes an outcome, it ceases to be a good measure.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, so I think it's a staged, you know, it's just the way that you, like where you're in developmentally. So there are some people in the world who feel like they don't have any control over their life, like they're tossed and turned. So self-reliance there is probably a great thing to learn, right? That's a great moment for them to learn, oh, I have choice. I can't command.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
overcome that's a batch of them there's some of them who are just so mission driven yeah they're the 20 percent yeah yeah it's yeah there was something that you said you were talking about like the folks like sam harris and you described the whole thing and one of the things you described was that that you're hopeful that you'll get what you want that there's a hope of my experience of that is it that goes actually away there's a thing i have goals and everything but the
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
My experience is that if I live by my principles, which you also talked about in that moment, if I live by my principles, if I live with an open heart, if I act, speak the truth that I see, my life is a lot fucking better than what I hope. What I hope doesn't compare to what actually seems to occur. And that's consistent for a couple of decades now.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Like, you know, I could not have imagined that I would be able to be the dad that I am Or have, like, I was recently, I was, we were having Christmas and I'm like, oh, we're a family. Like, this is what family is supposed to, I didn't have any fucking idea what family was supposed to feel like. I didn't have that as a fucking goal. I wasn't like, hey, I'm going to have a great family.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
But there I was having the family that I'd always wanted that I never knew that I wanted.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And that's how I see it work is like if you are true to yourself and your principles and you live by them despite the consequences, then the thing that you hope for is negligible compared to the thing that you get.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And also... you're, you think, you know, what's best from a place where you haven't evolved to the place where you're going to be. Right. So it's like, if I'm thinking what's best from 10 years ago, my, my consciousness is nothing like it was 10 years ago, evolution, there's no end. And so the thing that I could, I couldn't even conceive of the reality of my consciousness today.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So how would I ever possibly know it was a possible, you know, a potential goal.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I do have the ability to make my world what I want it to be. But then at some point, that weighs down. Then you're, shit, I'm responsible for everything. And I can't rely on anybody. And that's typically where those super self-reliant people, and I'm speaking about us here, like both of us grew up this way, on some level, there was some learning earlier on in our lives that it was...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
What I'm pointing to there is Mostly internal, but also external, but you have to experience it internally first, is that we like to say this part of ourselves is good and this part of ourselves is bad or some version of that. But the way a human registers it is that if I say... you are a shitty speaker. You don't hear that as I'm a shitty speaker. And there's 99.999% of me. That's great.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You hear it as I suck as human. So, so if you're not able to like love all the parts of yourself, there's still something wrong with you. And, and, and that's the way people feel it in the other right. And if you're in a relationship and particularly like a love relationship and you're like, I love all this about you, but I don't like these things about you that you're not actually loving them.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
you're you're trying to manage them you're trying to control them you're trying to get them to change and that and trying to get somebody to change makes for a fucking horrible relationship why because you're basically saying there's something wrong with you and i don't accept you as you are cool let's let's hang out for 30 years on that one it'll be happily ever after rather than
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
oh, my job is to get back to unconditional love with you and face whatever I have to face in myself that doesn't allow me to do that.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Because my ability to love you has nothing to do with you. You can be mad at me and I can love you. You can be resentful of me and I can love you. Like my capacity to love you is really most strongly defined by my capacity to love myself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Of course. And ask for them and have boundaries. All that stuff is super important. But that doesn't mean you have to stop loving them.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's the weird thing is that people think is, you know, obviously boundaries are really important. When I talk about boundaries, I'll say a great boundary opens your heart because you're speaking your truth. You're being... you know that no matter what happens next, what's going to happen for you is good. So let's say, the truth of this is what I've discovered when my dad was drinking.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So my dad, he's passed now, but he was a drinker. And at some point, I said to him, I'm just not going to come home if all you do is criticize me. Mm-hmm. That opened my heart because what I was saying was I'm not going to accept criticism, both externally and internally. And no matter what he did next, it didn't really matter because I had made a boundary that was self-care that opened my heart.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
A year later, I could realize, oh, I can actually be around him as long as he's not drinking. Like that actually works for me. My boundary had shifted, but the boundary was as much for me as it was for him. It was me saying, I'm not going to put up with this.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if I do it externally in the world, then it reaffirms the internal boundary that I'm having of I'm not criticizing myself like that anymore either.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. Yeah. Oftentimes people use boundaries as a way to control other folks. So the two rules I have about boundary is when you think of the boundary you're going to do, it opens your heart no matter what they say. And two, it's telling them what you're going to do, not what they're going to do. So if you yell at me, I am going to leave.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I'll be gone for 15 minutes and then I will come right back and continue our conversation without you yelling at me. immediately allows me to open my heart. I'm taking care of myself. I'm not telling you what you have to do. Are you saying I can't yell at you? No, you can yell at me. I just not going to be here for it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so that's, those are the two things that people often get wrong with boundaries. The last one is that there's two forms of attachment. One is the action. Well, there's many forms of attachment, but two of the main ones are anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. Thank you. And
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So if somebody is anxiously attached and you draw a boundary of I'm leaving, if you don't say I'm coming back in 15 minutes, it's punishment. It's death for them on some level, on a little kid level. So to draw a boundary that says, here's how I'm going to reconnect, drawing a boundary where connection is part of the boundary until the boundary is, I'm not going to connect with you anymore.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's fine too. But until that is there, you're always leaving a place for connection to come back under circumstances they can choose not to do it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I am alone in this. There's some, I'm alone in this. And that makes us, I don't want to feel. So this is where the emotional thing comes in. I don't want to feel that deep aloneness. Couldn't feel it as a kid. Don't want to feel it now. And therefore my reaction to not feel it is self-reliance. And so that really slows us down because you can only accomplish so much as yourself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
happy to reconnect with you when you're not yelling at me many people believe that peace means never feeling agitated deep peace is the ability to be with agitation without aversion yeah this is the tension thing with the lung or the salad yeah i prefer the salad yeah your life doesn't exist without it so you can't you can't have a non-agitated state but but agitation is really fucking enjoyable
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
The thing about emotion, here's the thing about the emotion. We talked about how there's that open channel and then you can kink it in different ways. When it's open, it's a full welcoming of the emotion. And it's almost every emotion I've ever experienced is actually really quite lovely. It's like a lovely experience. It's the resistance to it that's painful.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So going to the bathroom isn't uncomfortable, but resisting going to the bathroom sure as fuck is. And similarly... emotions when they're fully allowed, when they're fully moving through you, they're actually, they're invigorating. Like ask any punk rocker about anger. Remember like old sex pistols and it's just an energy. Anger is an energy.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It's like, there's so much joy that they're feeling like moving that anger in those moments, not all the moments, but some of the moments, like it's actually an incredibly experience, uh, exhilarating experience to allow emotion to move through you. As soon as you fucking resist it though. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And they're just sweethearts. I can't tell you, once that news came out, so many people came to me with a lot of fear. There's a lot of fear in the AI space. And I understand why people have the fear. Not the... both the people on the outside and the inside. Like, oh, this is a revolutionary technology. What's going to happen? We don't actually know. So fear arises.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
really painful so it's a deep welcoming and then some people will say well how could i ever enjoy feeling hopeless how could i ever enjoy feeling abandoned you said long as you're resisting it you won't but if you can actually fully let it in it's actually quite spacious and energizing what does that mean fully letting it in
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So we have a thing called emotional inquiry, which is like the easiest way to know it. But it's bringing view to your emotional state and or actually allowing your body, your muscles to express the emotion. If it's been repressed for a long time, expression is going to be necessary for a little while. Because if you've been holding...
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You know, I used to be like this because I was holding all the repressed anger from my dad's criticism. And I'll call that the critical parent hunch. I'll see it in people. I'm like, critical parent hunch. Sometimes it's scoliosis, but usually it's a critical parent hunch. And as that changed in me, my body posture changed. As that anger got to be released, my body posture changed.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So when people do... week longs with us and they're moving a lot of their emotions. You'll see their faces change. You'll see their bodies change. Physically, they call it like the groundbreakers facelift. Like you'll see that it's happened so often. And so you're holding, those emotions are holding this tension in your system.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so when you actually move it, you're actually allowing the muscles to move in a different way. You're allowing flexibility that wasn't there before. Oftentimes a tremendous amount of energy moves through the system where people feel like buzzing through the system when that happens. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
You can accomplish a tremendous amount as a team. But you can't do that in a team where you're always, always alone, feeling like it's all on you. We all have had bosses like that. They're horrible to work with. Mm-hmm. They start yelling, I'm all alone in this. Why can't anybody fucking bah, bah, bah, bah, bah?
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah, exactly. So if you, if you meet any emotion in view, vulnerability, meaning I'm going to allow it to feel impartiality, meaning I'm not going to try to control what the fuck empathy, meaning I'm actually going to be with it and wonder like, what is this? So if you have an emotional experience, it means that it's a somatic experience, right? It means it's moving in your body.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
How does it move? How thick is it? How far from the center is it? Where is the center of it? How dense is it? What color is it? Nobody does that with an emotional experience. With emotional experience, they're like, I'm angry, don't... But there's a very unique sensation. They've done heat maps where they show unique heat signatures for different emotions and bodies.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
So like, what is it to actually explore the shit out of that? Like, what is that exactly? The way that you would lay, if you're lifting, you would explore the deep sensation of, oh, I got my tricep right here and... It's like, you can do that with emotions. And that's what fully feeling and letting it have its full way with you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And usually, typically, the way it works is your mind goes, it's not rational. Like, I shouldn't be feeling this. Well, yeah, emotions aren't rational. And because emotions create a tremendous amount of clarity, But they do it differently. Rationality creates clarity like A plus B equals C. Emotions create clarity like, oh, that's it.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And you see this all the time with like a CEO who's like really stuck on something. Like, let's go get fucking angry. We go get angry. And then like halfway through the anger, he's like, oh, I know what to do. Or she's like, oh, that's the thing that's been bothering me. I know the boundary I have to keep.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And typically that in anger specifically, it is a sign that there's a boundary that you're not holding. Why? Because anger in its clarity is determination and clarity. And so oftentimes that determination, you're getting angry because something, you care about something and it's not happening. And so I care about I love, I want this thing. It's not happening.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It means that there's something that doesn't feel right to you and you're not drawing the boundary like Gandhi would have drawn the boundary or, or, or in a relationship. It's like, Oh, to my dad, it was, I was angry all the time. As soon as I said, Hey, I'm not going to accept that anymore. Well, a lot less anger. I was angry because I thought I had to fucking accept it. Yes.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Because I bought into the fact that he was my oppressor.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's like ultra self-reliance instead of actually realizing that this is something that I teach CEOs all the time. Everybody here at this company wants you to feel like they're doing a good job. Everybody in this company cares that you think they're doing a good job. Everybody in this company didn't wake up and say, you know what I want to do? I want to go and have a shitty time at work today.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
That's a banger. Thank you. You cannot fuck up. You and I have sat here in this room. We've both fucked up countless fucking times. So if you go for perfectionism to give you confidence, it's never going to ever work. So confidence comes from, oh, I know who I am. I understand myself. It is a sense of understanding oneself.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you understand who you are, then value is... It either makes no sense or it's so clear that you have it. There's no idea. There's no such thing as one person being more valuable than another. And, of course, I'm valuable. Because it's no longer contingent on how you have performed, how you showed up. Yeah. I've never seen anybody hold a baby and they're like, not valuable enough.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Here you go. And so that whole idea is bullshit.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I want to really under fucking perform. Nobody wakes up saying that. And yet you feel all alone in this because CEOs are typically very self-reliant. So it's a blessing and a curse. It's just what stage you're in.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for watching. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
in their personal life that they are overly self-reliant what would be the sort of behaviors thought patterns ways that they show up things that they do typically it's i'm alone in this it's that feeling of oh i'm i'm i can't depend on somebody see they're not there for me again see i've been abandoned again it's that feeling i it has to be on me i have to do it so i had a i had a
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
I have a client who worked with one of the biggest Silicon Valley narcissists. And every week it was review time and they would just yell at her, just yell at her and her team. And then they'd go to the next team and yell at them and their team. And they'd go to the next team and yell at the team.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And one day she just looked at him and said, hey, I see that what you are saying, your wisdom is really important. And I want you to know that everybody in this room wants you to get your vision met. It's just hard for us to do it when you're yelling at us. And he never yelled at her again because she addressed the actual underlying thing, which is you're not alone.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And so if you're dealing with somebody who has that self-reliance, that's the solve is to say, hey. I see how much you care about this thing. I see that you really want this, and I want to help you. If you want to help them, I mean, don't be. Don't be inauthentic about it. And that's the solve of working with somebody like that. If you address the core underlying issue, that's there.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
Yeah. So that's, that's actually, so that's because of those three things I was talking about connection benefits from softening up and open your heart. Like that's how we are going to connect. I'm not going to connect with you, but I'm like, I think that's not going to create the connection.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
It is also the result, and we talked about this last time, but joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions, and she won't come into a house that her children aren't welcome. And so if you actually welcome and allow for emotional clarity, allow for that emotional movement that you're either taken by it or controlling it, then the natural outcome is that softening.
Modern Wisdom
#925 - Joe Hudson - 23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself
And if you aren't beating the fuck out of yourself in your head, then the natural outcome is the softening. So that's, yeah, so that's how it works. Yeah.