Jim Norton
Appearances
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You probably made that guy's year. I did. I still have it, too. Jocko the Clown.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Imagine seeing a local clown on a birthday party. This guy's got it. You've got to sign it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I might never get this chance again. Meanwhile, he's working at a Pep Boys during the week.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, yeah. I was on the block, and I'm like, I don't know about this block. Looks like the place De Niro sent Karen to get dressed.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Slash garbage. Please support our show and tell them we sang it and the year with holiday cheer. Thanks to True Classics.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. As the big man said, they were nice enough to send it to us. And it's a... We got him here in the studio. It's a proper game changer. It's one of those things where you're like, how was I walking around like that with just poo on my butt? It's crazy. It's easy setup. You can do it anywhere. It's fan-freaking-tastic. Clean water right in your poo. Fresh. You know what I mean? It's all right.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
They always gave me the little beers. They always gave you the ones I've heard about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones I've heard about, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
For the big boys out there, takes a lot of the work out of reaching back there. Sure. So go to HelloTushy.com forward slash garbage to get the best gift this holiday season. Do it. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, the only job I did during comedy, I worked at a place called Christoph Silver where I was doing, like, I was working on a packing line with really high expensive, like, you know, $300 forks. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You know, Christoph is a great, like, high-priced silverware, and I would write jokes on fragile stickers, and then I worked for this place called Leicos Lamps, which were high, high-end Italian lamps. How'd you get into this shit? I was a warehouse worker in Raritan, whatever it was called, Raritan Valley or Raritan Center in Edison, New Jersey. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
So I was just working at Kristoff, and then when they moved back to New York, I stayed there and worked at Lea Coast Lamps, but got fired because I would go to Maryland and sleep through work the next day. Sure. So I got fucking paid.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, no, no. It was more like me and Levy. One time me and Levy jerked off on the television. Florentine was out with a waitress, and then me and Levy both scrapped loads on the TV set.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And then we just wanted to just have, even Jim would go crazy when he came back. And he just looked at it, and he went, beautiful, and then went to sleep. That was the only reaction we got out of him. my pseudo-gay experience with Bob Lee.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's not really pseudo. No, no, we didn't look at each other's dicks.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You know, did I quit? There was a company called Zero Copper that I worked for, and I drove a forklift. Who are you?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You know, I go back and forth. It's funny you say that because I don't know when this airs, but today we put up a video. It's an argument we had a year ago today. Our YouTube channel has been live for a year. Okay. Yeah, but she came back. We had somebody filming us at the time, and she came home.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I know. Dude, never in a million years I think Jim Norton knows how to drive a forklift.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I drove a forklift. I was doing a diamond mine in Kenya. No, I was actually in charge of chopping off the hands if the diamonds were missing. I don't want to do it, but, you know, a job's a job.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I was... No, I drove a forklift that we would get these 20-foot bundles of copper tubing and they would be like on these giant... Wrapped in these... That shit's dangerous. Yes, it was. And it was... I had a giant boom on the front and I would drive onto a ramp that was rotting in the corner and go on the back of flatbeds and pull off these giant... Jesus. ...things of copper tubing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I did that for a while. That job I might have just...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
quit i worked with a guy at that place so i'm sure he's dead at this point and uh there was a hooker that i knew who would come by and uh a hooker that i knew was a crazy she was right oh yeah if you're working with guys that you assume are dead at this point yeah yeah yeah well he was an older guy back then and and uh her uh she would you know she wasn't that attractive
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
But he was like, Jim, I would love to. And I'm like, okay, man. I'm like, but just take your wallet out of your pocket. If your pants go around your ankles. Because she was going to the office in Bloom. But I'm like, make sure that you take your wallet out. Because, you know, and I saw him on Monday. I'm like, how was it? He goes, she took my wallet. I'm like, what did you do?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
He goes, I forgot. Mary's up to her tricks again. She would do it at the office?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Because it was in this really desolate, weird warehouse area by New Brunswick. So New Brunswick is where these hookers hung out, like around Howard Street and Commercial Avenue. That was the intersection. Oh, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a worse intersection than Reginald Denny's fucking toilet seat to the head. And he wound up getting his wallet taken and, yeah, his money stolen out of his pocket because he let his pants go around his ankles.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Rookie mistake. But he was old. He was very old by then. So, yeah, 35 years ago is probably dead.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I did drive a forklift. I enjoyed it. I did that at a few jobs. I worked at Pergament, which was like Home Depot. It was a Staten Island-based company. Right. Okay. Yeah. And I offloaded tractor trailers for a while. That's what I worked in receiving. So I would just go in the back of trucks and... What age are you talking about? Early 20s? I would say from... I started comedy at 21.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
So I would say... Eight, 17 to, because I dropped out of high school, so I was working full time by the time I was like 17 or 18. Okay, into your early 20s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 18 to 21.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
and was just emotional and tired and like, you know, certain times you, let's just say certain people partake in certain activities, but when they travel international, they don't partake in those activities.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It would take a little, a minute, but I could. I wouldn't want to go up on the ramps again, because that ramp was awful, because you would like lilt to the right, and you were on a shipping dock, so if you fell off, you were going to get killed.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Where do you say you would just land? You'd be like the supervisor at the dock.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I would be doing something like that, yeah, because I hated, I was, again, uneducated, so I wasn't qualified to do anything else.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And, yeah, I would probably be driving a forklift.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
All right. Pretty good. Good work if you can get it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It is, yeah. Huh. It was a fun job. Is it cut the grass or mow the lawn? That's a great question. Cut the grass. I'm going to mow the lawn. I mean, I would have to say 50-50. I never chose. I've said both, I admit, embarrassingly. I don't know what the right answer is, but I've said cut the grass, and I've said mow the lawn.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You think? Mow the lawn, yeah. Cut the grass. You cut the grass.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Okay. Mow the lawn is something that you would probably find in an upper echelon home. Yeah. I'm going to mow the lawn. Cut the grass is more of trash.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, car insurance is trashy. Car insurance. That's a guy who can't pay the insurance bill.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And how do you pronounce the product that Crayola makes?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
That's like Philly, right? You go to Delaware, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You said it proper. I do crown. Like a gentleman. Crayola crowns. No, I would never say that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Fucking queen have it on her head? My dad wasn't the sharpest tool in this shit. Wait, where are you from? You're Philly, too, right?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And their mood is a little hypersensitive and shit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
My wife says minced meat, and I want to just drop kick her.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I'm like, holy, he was fucking 78? No one says minced meat.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. All right. Okay, what was the last other one I had? How do you clean a public toilet seat? My tongue. The money's right.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You're somewhere that's not great. Do you have an issue with that? Will you clean it? Will you dry it? What do you do?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Here's what I do. All right, I pull the toilet paper down. Obviously, you clean the seat. Give it a flyby. Now, it depends if it's a full seat or if it's the one that goes like that with the little space where all the piss collects. Because then you have to scrape that. And there have been times where I've gone out and gotten a little water and wiped that. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And then pushed that thing into the toilet. Okay. And then take a nice fresh sheet or two, put it there, and then sit down and take my dump. But it has to be hygienic. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I had to shit when I came in here today. And I looked at your bathroom and...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's pretty bad, right? It's not great at the moment.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You don't want to poop in there? No, just because I can hear you going, hey, you guys are chatting out here.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Not at all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't care. And I wouldn't even care if you guys do, but it wasn't an emergency. But I looked at your seat and I was like, am I going to have to clean this toilet seat? And shit, I like a nice clean seat.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, I lifted it to piss, and I left it up because I piss slow, and I didn't want you guys to think I had been shitting, so I left it up just so you knew.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
So she unraveled, and we had an argument. And it's like, when I look at that, I'm like, that's what marriage is. It's everything, every fucking hack comic in the 80s.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. That was the worst when you're on a date, and you're taking a dump, and you knew you were away too long to be pissing. I would always come back with an excuse, like, ah, my contacts. Like I was doing something other than shitting.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I had to turn the shower on one time. I was in there for so long. It steams it up, dude. It was so loud. It was early in my days. It was her house. It was.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It was her house. Really? Yeah, dude, it was just a night after. It was just bad. It was like I'd rather. You know what's happening. I'd rather you not hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, you can use your imagination.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I've never had one thrown to me. I'm like Peter Brady, just running around the house, hoping for my party. And I realize my dad has AIDS.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
What was the high school you went to? North Brunswick Township High School. Hit him. Get on it. We find that if you're a notable alum.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I am, but there's a soccer player who's first. I might be in the top five.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Dude, it's so bad, because I'll try to write a bit that I think is specific to me. I'm like, this happened. And then I'm like, it's on an episode of According to Jim or something. I'm like, fuck.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
He goes broke on purpose and then makes a lot of money back. He owns Stand Up New York for a while. Oh, that guy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
James. Yeah, he's really interesting. He's a great chess player.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You went to high school with him? I know him since fourth grade.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, he's a really smart guy. He's a very interesting guy. That's crazy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No shit. Yeah, but this is an alphabetical order.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Harry's is younger than me. I know Harry Spears since his mom used to bring him to open mics. He was a talented young guy. Harry, yeah. And we would go to a place called Arbogon's. I'm sure he'll remember it in East Brunswick. But his mother would bring him because he was, I think he was too young to go in and she would take it. And you're like, this fucking kid is great.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Like why he would do RoboCop. And you just knew that this guy was, but I remembered him because that name, Ari Spears is such a distinctive name. Yeah. But I know him a long time.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. I don't think I remember him from school. I knew him from the open mics though. Two of us are both outcasts from high school.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, has anybody talked about holding the purse in the mall?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, there. Notable alum. Jimmy Norton. Love to see you. That's great. Let's say, what's the shower like at the house? Is it like a tub shower or a stand-up shower? Stand-up. It's got to be stand-up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, I mean, there are two. And the reason there's a second one is I got a tub, a nice tub, the second one. They said if you ever want to resell, a tub is good to have so parents with little kids can move in. It's a good thing to have. But the main shower, it's a spa adventure. I wanted, it's a big glass. A gentleman. A truly gentleman's steam experience.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Because I have it where you can close off the top and it becomes a steam shower. So I can sit there and take a nice steam bath. And I'm in a real good steam. And then it's probably, it's bigger than this table area.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's a large. It's a nice place. And there's a chair in the, like there's a concrete looking thing. Like a bench. A bench, thank you, yeah. So you can sit down.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I like to sit there. It's good when you're taking a steam and you want to just blow your nose and relax. Sure. A couple of robes hanging up in case there's company. That's it. For the jacuzzi. There's a couple of robes. There's a jacuzzi? Outside, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Out on the balcony? Oh, yeah, yeah. You've never been to my house?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, the balcony, if you want to get onto the terrace, you can go from there.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Because we saw you on Bert's cruise. Yes. You guys, you were together, and that was my first time meeting your wife. And we got on the bus together, and she was, it was very, you guys were doing well. Moving together. It was still the first day of the trip, too.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
What the fuck is that? You're talking to two dirtbags.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Now, if you go out, a Juliet balcony is, when you leave the bedroom, there's a small, it's almost like it's enough room for one person. And you can just stand out there and look. And it's probably, it's just enough for one person to relax, share a table.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Sure, I would jump, dude, if I woke up on a bad day.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
That's the guest bathroom. That's attached to the living room. And the master bath is... It has no, pardon me, no tub in it. It's just got the standing shower and the steam room. Damn! And the outside area.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yes, it has places to sit and it's got the jacuzzi.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Not as often as you think. Like, you think you're going to use it. I had a new one put in because there was one that came with the place, but I was just like, it was a little smaller than I would care for. And I didn't, I don't want somebody else's jacuzzi energy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Sure. So I had to hire. I'd be wiping that thing down every day. This guy could have struck out all the time for all I know. He's got bad juju in him. This guy can't close. I need my new one.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
So yeah, we had a crane come and bring up a new one. That's how they put a jacuzzi on it. They bring a crane out. That cost extra? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. I should have got the forklift. It was 10 grand to shut the fucking street down for five minutes. And then they lift it up. They hoist it. And I have video of it going up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I don't know if I have it on my phone, but I have video of it being hoisted up. And it literally takes 10 seconds.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And then the old, because there's no other way to get a jacuzzi into a place. The next one, and the old one, they just break up with hammers and saws and take down by pieces. How long ago did you do this? 2017 or 16. You had to have told us that. That's insane. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I did.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, I think that was one of our first public events was Bird's Cruise. We get along great. Traveling is pretty easy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, no, you did not. I would hear stories of you would have all barbecue or something of some kind.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I've only had a couple. I'm not very social. Do you guys have had a barbecue?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Not, I mean, for myself I can, and it sucks. But there would be stories of you having these parties, and I would hear by, like, third hand, like, you got to see the deck on this place.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I still do an open mic. I might have bartended at it or something. In fairness, I did one of these in August.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And I would love you to have come. I don't know why I didn't. I probably just forgot.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Tiny. We're so stupid. We wanted a Cavapoo. And we thought it was a Cavapoo. It's a Yorkie. But it's fine because it's hypoallergenic. Okay. And it's just, we've only had it two weeks. So it's a little, you know, it's shitting and pissing on pads. And we have, we just, we took it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I just keep eye contact with her to make sure she's not stealing my money.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
and on your wallet and uh we brought we brought him uh we brought the dog on the terrace and uh it's so scared of being outside so we finally found treats that it likes because the other dog treats had hated i don't know what kind of treats we got it but my friend sent me some that this thing loves so now we're just getting to walk on the terrace okay needs its vaccinations there's a vet at my place as i do this
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
She won't come to one-nighters. If I do one night in Boston, one night in New Hampshire, she's not coming.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
We found a vet that does house calls. And so the vet is coming to make sure it's up to date on vaccinations. Yeah. And so my wife is dealing with the vet right now. Juliet Terraces have vets making house calls. The Juliet Terraces night. It's good for one person if you want to just sit out there and take a glance at the city. Sure. You know, and relax.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I mean, I don't think the word Terrace has been said this much on fucking any episode. Terrace is a great word. Okay. How big do you say the Terrace is? I've heard it was big. It's a good size. I heard it turns. Is that true? It's a wrap, a little bit of a wraparound. Got the corner, dog.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. I have a camera. I could show you it, but it's not impressive. You could just see the size of it. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. I wanted outdoor space. That's why I moved where I was. I was in a Trump building on the Upper West, which I loved. I mean, the building is the best maintenance of any building.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, if I'm like, hey, I'm going to L.A., then, of course, she wants to go. She wants to act like she belongs.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I love it up there. I love it, love it, love it. But I couldn't have afforded an outdoor space in that. No, no, no. It would have been crazy. So I started looking on the rest of the city.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I started making money. Get down a brass tacks. The first money I started making was, I would say, 10 years in. My first contract with Opie and Anthony, they had finally signed me. I was making $50,000 a year to be on the radio. That was $1,000 a week. Back then? I was like, holy fuck.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
As a comic, to make $50,000 as a comic in New York and doing comedy adjacent, like living in the comedy world.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's really fucking annoying. I do that out there, too. Let's go to Spago over at the Brentwood Market.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I still lived in Jersey. I was paying $300 a month rent.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Plus the shows, then your probably road shows go up. I was selling out everywhere. Yeah, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And they doubled my salary to $100,000. But the show got kicked off the air before the paperwork was signed. So, yeah, I lost that. That was heartbreaking. That was heartbreaking. That was when we got kicked off the radio in 2002. But, yeah, I had just signed to double the money, and the paperwork hadn't gone through yet.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Oh, no. This is what white trash I have. I was paying $300 a month. Florentine was my roommate and his girlfriend, so we split a $900 rent three ways, and there was mold on the wall. Have you ever seen that video? It's called Jim Norton Cribs.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's disgusting. So I'm like, I can afford a place now in New York, so I got a two-year deal. They double my money. And I got a two-year rent for $2,300 a month. So I went from $300 a month to $2,300 a month. Okay. And five months in, we get fired. And I'm fucked. So, like, thank God for Tough Crowd. That really saved me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
We got a dog. We just got a dog. Oh, there you go. I like it. So the travel is great because now she has to stay home with the dog. It's like 10 weeks old, which is awesome. I'm like, I'd love to have you, but I guess I'll have to sit alone and jerk off and eat whatever I want.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You're paying a light bill, an insurance bill at those places. You're paying for the door, the windows. Get out of here with that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
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Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See mobile for details. Do it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, but I did because I'm financially savvy. There were these escorts that used to accept credit cards, and I would go there and always pay by credit card. And wouldn't you believe it that all of a sudden my credit card numbers got stolen? Fraudulent charges. I had $10,000 on each card. And back then I was making no money, so I had to call the credit card company and
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And they're like, where did you spend it? And I'm like, on a prostitute. I told them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I don't care. This is not my charges. $10,000 on each card.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
That took me two years to straighten out. Fucking worst.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I'm going to put that down as a yes. Yeah. They didn't actually cut it up. Sure. Yeah. You ever have a fucking credit card jizzed on and the number stolen? All right.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Has that switched? You were probably over hotels. You've been working for a long time, so it's like now you're a little refreshed, a little rejuvenation.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Same, same. Oh. Oh, God. Do you put your shirt on then deodorant or deodorant then the shirt? Great question.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I would say this morning because I did think of that today after the gym. I usually go home and shower, but I was coming here. So I showered at the gym and I put my deodorant on first and then my shirt. But I don't like doing that because a lot of times, as you know, you pull it down and get that foot on the side.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Sometimes after a shower, your shirt sticks to you because there's a sheen on your body. So what I like to do is I have to hold it out and then wrap it around and lower it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
This guy's good. What's the shower like at the gym? Single or is it like a big stall with a couple of guys?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. No, it's a bunch of individual showers with like a plastic shower. Because there's so many guys going in and out. I very rarely shower there. I usually go home, but like I said, today I had to. Mm-hmm.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I love it. But I would always have escorts come over, and I was a complete creep on the road. But now it's just like I'll go to escort sites. They're going to say room service. I'll look at what I could do. You do that?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I'd be giving you a glass or a cup. Would it be a bottle?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It would be out of the zero water filter. We have something called a zero water filter. Reverse osmosis? What's that?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, this one takes all the all the metals and stuff out of it. OK. And there's a little thermometer on it where you can measure. Like if you put it in water and hit the button, it tells you like it gives you a number like 41. Like that's how many metal per million. And then you do it with zero water and you put the thermometer and it's zero. So it takes out a lot of stuff.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, it's a big one with two filters in it. Standalone.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, New Brunswick was kind of the hood high school.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
The ice cubes are made by the refrigerator. But I do think it goes through a filter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to be happy to get you some. It's not as bad as tap water, but it's not as good as zero water. Freezer in the bottom? Two freezers. Two? Excuse me? Yeah, it's a Sub-Zero. You open a nice fridge, and then freezer number one, and then freezer number two.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, it's a good fridge. I wanted a good fridge. What was the honeymoon? Did you do a honeymoon? No. We got married because she came into the country, so we got married within 90 days.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, no honeymoon yet. We just travel whenever we want.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You'll go browse the inventory, kick a couple tires?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Not often, but if I'm going to sleep, there are times I have done that. She does it more than me because she's been sleeping in the living room because of the puppy, which is great because that's just me alone with a sock in my bedroom finally having some alone time. It's like you're on the road again. But, yeah, once in a while I will.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
My couch is really big and it's like a cloud couch, so you can get comfortable on it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, but I used to bring one when I was opening for Dice in 97. My first gigs I would bring a pillow in my checked luggage like a total rookie. What? But now I wouldn't because I'm so scared of bed bugs. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed bugs on my pillow. So, no, I don't bring any bedding. Did he know you were checking a pillow in your check luggage? I mean, I don't know. No, I don't think so.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I began doing carry-ons shortly after. Jim, what are you doing?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
This guy's checking bags. Yeah. I would hold the whole crew up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
man but you learn fast you learn fast don't check your bag i mean don't check the bag i know i've been there when you brush your teeth will you walk around a little bit or you do it right at the sink i don't move but the psychopath that i'm married to okay brushes her teeth she'll take the toothbrush she walks into the bedroom she'll lay on the bed on her back with her feet up in the air
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Like in baby position. It's the most batshit crazy thing. I don't know. I'd like to ask every uncle she has. There's a reason. I don't know what it is. But she literally lays on her back and like brushes her teeth like that with her feet up in the air bent. Like a cat getting petted or a dog getting petted. Me, I stand there. I let your toothbrush. I stand there. I don't move.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's nice to have your time alone in a hotel. Sure. Do you like a nice hotel? I am a gentleman's accommodation snob.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my own sink.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I do. I floss most days. Once in a while, I forget, but we have a lot of floss there, and I do get complimented on my gums by the dentist. Are we good? Thank you, yes. Will you swim at a hotel pool? Sure, I don't care. Absolutely. I mean, I went to Brazil and fucked without condoms.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I'm not scared of a hotel pool. It wasn't more of the germs. It was, do you enjoy it? Oh. Do you enjoy it as much as Brazil?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
So, yeah, when I'm in my swimming things, I'll do it, sure. But my exercise has gotten, I work out a few days a week, but I haven't been exercising with cardio. I don't know. I would if I was back to doing that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Now, where's that? Did you bring the flip-flops with you? You got a locker there.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I have them with me. I travel with them. I bring a bag with me, and I bring it to radio in the morning, and then I write to the gym after.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Oh, no, I did. You know what? I don't want to get icky toes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It really is. I can stay. It's fine. It's fine. I had a cat again.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
We also just did, we were in D.C. with you. Gentleman's accommodation. That's a great, that is a great term.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, we did. They gave you what they call a Terminus in the whorehouse in Brazil called the Monte Carlo. That's the nicest name I've ever heard. See if we can get eyes on that. So fancy. Yeah, I was in there with Patrice, and we were wearing our flip-flops. We went every day. Me and Keith were doing 100-milligram Viagras and then just going to this place.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
100-milligram Viagras all over the counter in Brazil.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
How about checking out the sights or going to Fogarty Chowards? Well, we did that one night. We would see the sights in the taxi on the way. A hundred milligrams a night and just going be three, four girls a night. It was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
There was another one too. I forget what it was called, but the Monte Carlo, there was cops going there. Like it was, there was security. I mean, you had a locker, there was no cash exchange. Like they had a whole system.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Me too. Actually, I had a residency there. I thought it was Monte Cristo. I was looking for a sandwich.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And the beef Wellington, please. Man, that poor escort. He's getting somebody after a beef Wellington. I'm a little sleepy. We were in D.C., and you remember he maneuvered? We were shocked. We were like, what the fuck? You showed up. You had already checked in. Adam Ray's show. You got there the night before, I think. You did the hotel the night before, and then you show up to the venue.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, and it's not good, but she's a good cook when she wants to. If it's something she likes, something she can eat, she cooks. Me, not at all.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Are you going out? Yeah, I order these meals, like these Whole30 meals. It's a diet that I do. Okay. So twice a week, these pre-made meals come in. We got this great egg. It's like an egg grill outside.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And I just don't use it. I have a little Weber I want to throw out and then use this one, but I'm so bad at getting started. Did you say Green John? John, yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
What's today? Today's usually I'll go home. We'll see what the dog's up to with the vet, and I will do... We have dinner planned tonight. Very nice. A nice dinner.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, we got invited to Rouse, that place in... Rayo.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You're going to Rayo's tonight? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Jim Norton? Jesus Christ. I've never been there. My friend knows somebody who has a table there. Everyone says it's amazing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. Have you been? No. Can't even get to fucking Applebee's in Midtown.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I wish I had gone last night so I could come in and discuss what a wonderful meal.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
But we're looking forward to that, and then tomorrow I'll just do spots. Wow, there you go. Rayos. Rayos, that's a fucking. I know. You had to accept.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You think I've really upped my game? What are you talking about?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I do have a decent car, but my lease is up in February. I don't know if this will knock me back down to the trash bin, but my lease is up in February, and I'm probably going to get a much cheaper car because it's a waste of money. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
What are you going to get, you think? What are you eyeing up? You got a Mercedes now, right?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, no. Right now, I have a BMW X6. I had a Mercedes last time, but X6 I lease, and the garage is expensive, so I want to get a cheaper garage. I don't drive enough. Garage in the building? No, unfortunately, no. The old, they don't have one. My old, and on the block, it closes at midnight. I don't want a fucking curfew in my car.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I got to get home. Yeah. My garage guy is going to be pissed.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
So I got to go like three blocks and then park it and then walk home.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Where have you been? So, yeah, that's a garage in the building. I had that in the Trump building, which was, I mean, you can't do better than that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, that's, I mean, that's the epitome of making it. You got a fucking garage in a building in Manhattan.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
He would walk up and stand at the end of the hall while security did it, just so they couldn't mess around in the building.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Steven Tyler. Yeah, there was some good residents.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I saw Bruce Willis once or twice, and then I shot a scene with him in that Kevin Smith movie called...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
cop out okay or yes I had one scene with Bruce and he was people everyone said he was very difficult and Kevin didn't like him uh but I had a good moment with him uh because I told him oh yeah we live at two and so when he knew that we were in the same building he was very nice to me it was like oh you're yeah you don't want to be a dick to a guy you're gonna see in the fucking you know mailbox yeah yeah gotta get your taco bell delivered yeah yeah
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
All right. I mean, I was not expecting this. You're very meticulous, very well thought out.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You got your luggage. You pulled your car right in the garage. Yep. Like a hitman. And then he's like, he gets off stage. He goes, all right, I'll see you guys later.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, you do socks and then pants or pants and then socks?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Socks first because I don't like to have to roll up the bottom part of my trouser.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I don't want to wrinkle the bottom of my trouser putting on a sock.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Straight nude. Totally nude. Unless I am on the road, I hate boutique hotels. I hate a boutique hotel.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Marriott. Marriott because the bedding is comfy and cool and great, and it's like they don't overdo it with starch. This guy's doing starch now. I hate these places because the sheets are itchy, so I'll wear a T-shirt. I have very soft skin. Okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Don't be shy Get in on that That's soft Like a puppy's belly So I get itchy very easy So I like to have a nice A nice soft sheet The Marriott chains Anything that's Marriott I'll stay in boutique hotels I'll take a courtyard Marriott any day
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
What's a boutique? What do you say? Like an Aloft or something like that? No, like the Johnson, the downtown Cleveland or whatever.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Right back to New York. I had an execution in front of the Hilton. Took the rubber gloves off and walked out the door.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Like at the Tommy? Oh, no. So, like, some of these real small, new, cool, hipper things are, like... The whole bathroom is kind of tiled. Yeah. And then the toilet is kind of in the shower. And the sink's outside of the door.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah. He's not slumming it. Here's what I don't like.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
He's staying at the Thompson when he goes down to Austin. He ain't staying at the Tommy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I know, but the Four Seasons is where you want to stay in Austin. We did once on points, and they knew we didn't belong.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
When you open and close, like a boutique hotel giveaway is they have those barn doors that slide along tracks to open and close.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
A lot of times there's hardwood floors and not carpets. I hate them so much.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Do you have any... Look at Luke. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, they're the worst. He's a fucking rich kid. He's loving this. Travels around on my dime. Jim Norton.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I'm a weird traveler, man. I like to get there the night before. I don't like to drive or fly when I get a gig because I get nauseous and tired.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You know, I've stayed in only like one or two hotels ever in New York. I've been in a lot of them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, someone's back in town. Got to go say hello. But no, I don't know if I've... Maybe once or twice I've stayed in a hotel in New York. I can't... The best hotel I've ever stayed at, probably the Bel Air in... It's not... It's just a comfortable, perfect hotel in Bel Air. I've stayed there once. My wife and I... I got invited to Sharon Osbourne's birthday party a few years ago.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I'm like, let's make this... You have such a... Wild just history. It was such a great life. You're talking about forklifts 20 minutes ago. I don't want to be back on that ramp. The wood was rotted. So I'm there with Sharon Osbourne.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
But I'm saying that because it was such a special thing. I'm like, let's get a great hotel. Do it up. Let's have a great weekend in L.A. So we stayed there for like three days. It's unbelievable. I mean, well worth it. You like a hotel breakfast? I do. I confess. I like a nice... You got me. I am guilty as charged. I like a fine hotel breakfast.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I do, and they bring in the little treats. I mean, who am I to say no? Well, you do room service. Oh, yeah, I will. I like a nice 24-hour room service.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Even flight gigs, you get out there the night before?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Sure. I was just in Chicago. I stayed at the Trump Hotel. Nice.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
When I was in D.C., I stayed... It was in a Marriott property that they were paying for, but it was a very nice hotel. Like, it was a... You know, like, there was a mall attached to it, Starbucks. I mean, it had everything. I'm not crazy like that. Like, I'll stay in a nice... Just a nice Marriott's all I need.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Always. Really? You're not stressed. You don't have to take your Dramamine and be loopy on stage. I get it. I like to drive late the night before. Four-hour ride. Sleep in. I really do.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, I mean, we'll... jump up to a nicer one when we have the points and it's just me and him because we travel with like a team when we go on the road. So it's usually our anniversary or something. Yeah. If I know he's going to put out, we'll we'll use points to upgrade to something nice. Do you have any any tips or tricks or things, hacks that you do when you get into a hotel?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Like I close the windows, you know, like seal the the blinds or anything, any anything you do to set up to get how you like it? Here's what I do.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's not glamorous. I take the thing for the luggage out of the closet and I put my luggage on that never on the bed because I'm paranoid about bed bugs and I take all my clothes out and I'll maybe put them on top of the dresser I don't fuck with the drawers or I'll actually leave them in the suitcase I'm very white trashy in a hotel but it's purely a bed bugs issue
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, I mean, I've never used that thing. I go right on the other bed. Or even the desk. I'll put my luggage on the desk. Never.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I would never put my luggage on a desk, maybe, yes, but not the bed. I did stay recently in a fine hotel. And I use the drawers. In certain places, I'm like, you're probably okay.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Really getting fancy gym today. He really is, man.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, this is snooty, nose-in-the-air gym. I like it. Fresh from the gymnasium.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
But if the hotel is good, I'll use the drawer. I forget the place in L.A. we stayed at that was really nice. When a hotel wants to rope you in, a lot of times they'll upgrade you the first time you're there. We've never had that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
They do not want us coming back. I'm an ice machine guy. Where's those vending machines, dawg?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, no, I like when I walk into the lobby, I like when they go, welcome, Mr. Norton. Like, I like that. I'm a piece of shit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, yeah, yes. I want all borderline worship from the staff.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, but I did marry a hotel thief. I married a thief. We have stuff from hotels all over the world. A book that was in like the fucking some Italy hotel. What are you doing? You stole a book? She stole a book. I didn't.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You guys are Bonnie and Clyde. You're rolling together, dog. I don't know what to tell you.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, but I don't know it's there until we actually walk in the house. I'm like, what the fuck is this? She's like, oh, I got it from the hotel.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
All time. The comeback of all comebacks. All time turnaround.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yes, I appreciate that. It makes me feel like I've been working hard since the last time, and I felt like I presented myself as absolute garbage juice. Yeah. Like that cuck that collects at the bottom of the bag. Sure. And I said I wanted to turn it around, and I wanted to, you know.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
We're not stopping. Nobody in the car? Not at all. That's because I took the passenger seat out, you know, as old Teddy B did.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Wouldn't be anything fancy. It's simply something that's good in the snow and the rain. Four-wheel drive. Sensible car. A Jeep, maybe? Maybe. Something a lot less expensive. An Audi. Maybe. Depends on the price because my contract is up. So, again, we have to be.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, no, no. I understand that. But, like, again, a lot of times the fancier people have very smart vehicles, very economical. I've just noticed that a lot of the times the best people have a very average car because they don't want to showcase their wealth and success.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Now, are you going to go, or do you send the help to go? To get the car? He sends us. It's me and you. I'm testing it for my friend. He's very big. He eats at Rayo's, this guy.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I will test it, but when I got a Mercedes, they actually drove it to my house. BMW did not do that. It was in the city, so they're like, well, yeah, we'll be here until 5.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, exactly. And don't bring your wife. She should be stealing shit. Yeah, exactly. Leave that fucking thief at home.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Thank you very much. Anything else you want to... The first time you ever did that, it really threw me off. Goddamn classy. Well, I'm on the road doing gigs. Yeah, where are you at? This is dropping this week, so where are you at? Plug away if you have anything coming up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I mean, I got, before the end of the year, Tarrytown, and I also have Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Then I got Mothership in Austin. I got Laconia, New Hampshire. I got Rhode Island. I got Hollywood. I got... A bunch of places. Seattle, Tampa. You shouldn't have mentioned.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Guys, we're off the road for a little bit. New tour dates come in early next year. We fucking love yous, and we'll see you out there. Jim, we love you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Thank you, guys.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Well, I was always hosting. Like, when I first started, for the first 10 years, I was an emcee. So you would, like, pick up comics.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Could be serial killers. Absolutely. Or criminals. You're just getting whoever got booked that weekend.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You were hoping they were murderers, so you didn't have to go through with the shit gig in Lancaster.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I know that club. I hope he just cuts my throat.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You're leaving weapons for him. Yeah, but you would share rooms. That was the worst part. But I also look back on those days. It was fun. You were sitting there. I was so happy to be there. I was so happy to be in the room with a comedian who was talking to me. It was great, man. I love this. I used to do with Bob Levy and Florentine. We would do a gig in Maryland.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
$75 for the weekend, $25 a show, no food, no room. So they would let me share the room that they got, and they would pool the money and keep the money. It was great.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It was fun, but Florentine would always fuck a waitress. So it would always be, I would always, oh, me and Jim picked up girls together one time, and it was so embarrassing.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
He was a good-looking guy. He was a good-looking dude. I mean, good-looking guy now, but back in the day, he was...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
He was an eight and a half, and he had, Jim had a great rap. I'm a three and a half. He had a good rap? He had a great rap.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah, what are you doing? And we picked up these two girls, went back to the hotel room, and Jim is pounding like a professional.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, back then, we know. It was a regular small room. And I was wearing all black, and I was dressed like the preacher in the Poltergeist II, and I'm fucking laying there. I love it, girl. What a deep cut. You're all going to die. You're not going to get an erection, Jim. And he was right. I couldn't.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It was shriveled in my pants, and I went down on her for about 40 minutes, and she couldn't have an orgasm. And then I finally went back up to my room with her and just made out. It was embarrassing. Jeez. Jesus. Jim Pound, what a professional.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Dude, I mean, I'm not going to be able to get hard for another week here in that story.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
What would it take for me and you to hook up with two chicks in the same room?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I was going to say an act of God. For us to pull two chicks together?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You guys got to have groupies, though. Come on. You guys are hilarious. I mean, we're big with welders.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It's more domesticated, but spotless. No, because she's what they call it. She's like a trad wife, but doesn't want to do housework or anything traditional.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
OK, she's not a traditional wife. She just wants to lay around and do nothing and smoke pot. That's to her traditional wife. So, yeah, the place she's new age.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No, no, no, no. But she's trying to quit. Like, she goes through these periods where she'll quit. Okay. Which, you know, but then you have to deal with somebody's mood when they quit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
She don't like the gummies? No, she doesn't like... They make her too loopy or they make her nauseous or whatever. Mm-hmm. But it sucks, though, because when somebody's smoking pot all the time, they just fall asleep on the couch. Like, you know, and they're passing out, and I go into my, I'm isolated. Get up and mow the lawn.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Real tree in New York City. What are you dropping on it?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
You got the high ceilings over there. Not that high, though. You got a couple of bucks on you, too.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
$350 to $400 for the tree. Throwing that out the window. Out the balcony. I even risked the lawsuit right off the balcony. If it hits a stroller, I'll pay it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, somebody takes it. I think they do. And one guy, one of them won you for a charity, like for some kids thing. That's not bad. Yeah, take it. But you have to pay to store. You know, it's an apartment building. It's a storage unit. So it would cost me more to pay for a storage unit for that fucking tree. So I'm like, just get rid of it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
That makes sense. Are you doing gifts or are you doing no gifts? I'm doing no gifts this year with my wife, we said.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, it's like, okay, yeah, just put a tag on it from Santa and it's yours.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Amazon shopping addict. So I'm like, look, we can exchange a little bit. We don't usually do that many gifts because she's like, I don't want anything. I'm like, I definitely don't want anything. The least I have to spend, the better.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
She wants the tree. You got the tree. You got the dog. She wanted the dog. I got her a little dog. That's her Christmas gift is that little dog.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Yeah, she's addicted to it. I'm addicted to it too, but I also collect kiss posters. I've been doing that for like the last year.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I am paranoid. I said the dog pisses on one of my posters. It's going off the fucking terrace. One Japanese Victor poster is ruined by dog piss.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It depends on the... Like, a lot of them are a few hundred. The most I've spent, I think, is three grand. But that was... That was, like, for the original Casablanca promo poster.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
But there are some that are more, but I won't buy them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I went to the last show at the Garden. This guy Matt, who I know, I was on my way home from the Comedy Cellar, and it was like 7 o'clock. He goes, hey, man, do you want to see Kiss Tonight? I got tickets, an extra ticket if you want to buy it. So I'm like, eh, I hadn't seen them in fucking 15 years. So I texted my wife, I'm like, do you want to go?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And she's like, let's go, let's do it, even though she fucking hates them. So we met outside, she hopped in a cab. We literally walked in as they were about to start Detroit Rock City. I couldn't believe I made it. And it was nice to see their last show ever. Sure, that's pretty good. Yeah, I'm happy I went. You ever put the makeup on? No, not for that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
For a good pegging, I'd be lying if I said I haven't lipsticked up. Can't bitch boy without a little lipstick on.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
No one's going to believe it. I'm with you, brother. That's all right. Oh, God. All right, some of the questions. It's been a minute since you've been here. So some of the ones that have become common game, we want to run by you. Because you are a notable man who likes to meet famous people and get the picture and the autograph. Yes. That's well documented.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
But who was the first famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Before you were famous. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Tom Noonan. My grandmother took me. Who's Tom Noonan? You ever see Easy Money? Of course. He's not Pesci, and he's not Rodney.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I was a kid. I was like 12 years old. My grandmother took me to the George Street Playhouse to see Of Mice and Men. And I forget who played George, but Tom Noonan played Lenny. Wow. And I chased him down the street for an autograph.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
And he felt my hands are nice and smooth. You know, puts Vaseline in his glove. No kidding. That's a great one.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
He's a great actor. Great. And I saw him at Louie's once. I went to Louie's for Thanksgiving, and I think Tom Noonan was one of the guys. It was a bizarre, eclectic.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
It was Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joan Rivers, her daughter, Parker Posey. This is the height of Louie.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
Jim Norton, Robert Kelly. See how off the cliff the guest list goes? But I really admired Bob Kelly that day. He was so good. Because I get like, Philip Seymour Hoffman was there, and he's like, hey, I'm Phil. And I'm like, I know, but I couldn't talk. And Bob Kelly is so good at being fun in those moments, being himself, and he's just fucking making everybody laugh and being Bobby.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I'm like, he's really, Bobby's a great guy in those moments. I panic and I just shut down. That's all right.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
That's a wild fucking... Tom Noonan, the first one, yeah. That's a good one, though. First autograph I ever got was Jocko the Clown, his name was. He's a nobody. He was probably just some pedo from Edison. I was a kid, and I went to my friend's birthday party. And he was a local clown? He just did my friend's birthday party. And you asked for an autograph? I was a douche. Oh, my God, dude.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Jim Norton Returns!
I was a douche. Gacy should have been the clown I met.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
This guy's a legend in the comedy game. Took 20 years off of stand-up, but he's back in the game now.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony!
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
I think. Against Khalil? I don't know. Maybe I'm retarded. No, no, no, no, no. I think... I think... That's already been established.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
We've known that for a long time, Matt.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Hold on, man. Wait a minute.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
He had a fucking real point. Did he call you too?
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
You don't get a fucking... You don't get a fucking... It's not PJ and the Bear thing and shit. Get the fuck out of here.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
It does. You can use it like a slingshot that's great
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
Oh, my God. He's always been funny. Come on.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
I'm just like, give me my hand back, motherfucker.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
I don't think he had no doubt about that. That fucking guy. Yeah, I believe him.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
Don't laugh, John Rollo. You next. Yeah, you look like you'd be in prison too.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
Because it starts like a Hitman movie, and then they fucking on the floor. I go, what the...
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
He's got the best fucking kick! No, we're kidding.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
It's not a secret. I want to know what the fuck happens over there.
The Joe Rogan Experience
JRE MMA Show #163 - Protect Ya Neck
No, I'm not doing that. You're no longer getting paid by them.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh!
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Um, the way that I've been living with just being a single woman is... No, no, no, no, no.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Can you just elaborate more on, like, what do you mean by the smoke detector?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Like red flags?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I don't hear anything deep. And did you just hear it again? Because I don't hear anything.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
There was The beep? Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I have to replace my fire, smoke detector. Oh, my God! Batteries. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Okay, so I just noticed it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, it was a theater, some weird theater for Randy and DVE. The radio guys. DVE, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. Wow. It was a long time ago. Yeah. It was like a tag. I don't even know who closed it. You did. Yeah. Did I really? You closed it. Oh, I did.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Wow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. We feel like if you're like emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out because then I can't get caught. Yeah. Like you're not going to get busted with something if you tell everybody. Yeah, you're very honest. You're very honest on stage. It's just a fear of getting caught and a fear of being like, oh, somebody telling something about me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
So I'm like, if I tell you first, you know how it is. Yeah, sure. You got nothing to say. But you always have that? Like, were you always that way? It's what made comics laugh when I started. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Like I would start and it was like 1991 and guys like Bob Levy and Jim Florentine would come and they would always laugh at the stuff I talked about that was like me and my personal life and sex and like the honest self-deprecating shit, like the real self-hatred. Yeah. And that would make those guys. It's so funny. They were like, I love that. So like making them laugh to me was like.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That was the win. That was the win, man. Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
In a way, yeah, that's always satisfying if somebody emails me. I've gotten a lot over the years of people going, hey, I'm so glad you talked about that because I thought I was alone doing that stuff in childhood or liking this or liking that. It was so nice to hear somebody talk about it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from because it was on Opie and Anthony and they were just barbarians, the audience. I mean, they're real people. They're harsh and they have a vicious, mean sense of humor, but at the end of the day, they're just regular people. Yeah. So they would write in and they related to certain things and they appreciate it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And they're like, I always thought I was gay if I did this. And they were right. But I mean, you're a homo. Yeah. But it was nice to get those messages from people. I was like, hey, it's fun telling on yourself, but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Right. Because what are they in? The worst that's going to happen is they don't like it. Yeah. Or they don't really. A lot of times they won't admit relating to something. Yes. It's hard to get people to like, you know how it is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And they're like, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I love you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, you were a great partner. You went to Lamaze with me? Yeah. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I guess so. So were you ever able to sell it? Were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of, you could just never get it to click where they would be safe going with it?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing because she's crazy, not because I hated your fucking guts. Exactly. And she's writing that garbage.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It gives them the excuse sometimes that they need. Otherwise, they think if I'm laughing, I'm admitting. And if I'm laughing, I'm agreeing. But if I'm laughing because they're crazy, it's okay. Because no one's going to stop you and say, could you put a checklist of why you laughed at these bits? It doesn't matter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant? Yes. That drives me crazy when I see a couple saying that. We're. No, you're not. She is. She is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I hear like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying we're pregnant or saying that. I'm like, oh.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Not with pregnant in my house. No, not really. I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no... There wouldn't be much cause for it. Like, we're doing this or... No, it would just be me or her. I can't think of any case where it would...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But it does feel weird if you're walking out with your friend and you go, hey, thanks for having me. And then he's like a dick like, me too.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But you know, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, it would depend on what they're calling me for. If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this? Like a business. Gig, yeah, or something like that. I might go, no, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I don't know if I'd say we're going to Hawaii.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody. Like, be careful about saying, like, our home or whatever, because then they can, like, lay claim to it. What? If you get... Oh, really? Yeah, I know somebody. She had money, and she married a guy, and she's like, yo, just be careful saying something like our place of... Like, she kept it on her.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was her place. Oh, it's my... Yeah. I guess so. Yeah, this way, if they get divorced, they can't... But then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid, and there was no legal basis for it. Yeah, sure, sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Common law marriage. Yeah. Is that if you're living together? You have to live together. Yeah, I don't know if New York has common law. I think it's a seven-year period, though. Maybe it's different in different places.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, New York does not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Because all she's got to say is, he told me that we're married, we're like a married couple.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I just have to fill out immigration things. Like when you're having your green card, the conditions. Where's she from? Norway. Norway. So having the conditions take off, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign is something they say they do present as a married couple. They are married. That's why the government's not getting scammed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Do you know what I mean? Boy, girl married. Cause on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole. I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you, obviously. But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very open about that. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Which they've changed the way you can change your, but they actually let you change your birth certificate in Norway. Wow. So it says that. That's very progressive. It is. Yeah. I mean, it's it's kind of whatever. I mean, it works out well for us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say I am like I think there should be some process you go through. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this would prevent. you know, some guy that looks like me or you. Yeah. Just, just going, Hey, I got arrested. I want to go to a woman's prison. Yeah. Sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, thank you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
yeah it's um it's like you know you settle in and you realize like wow I am married like it really is at times great and at other times you know it's everything they said it's every I'm living every fucking hack comic in the 80s bit like they were right they were right But I do like it. I was lonely. It sucks when you're in your 50s and you're single.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And it's all just, it's one person after the other. Or it's nobody for six months. It's just lonely. Yeah, sure.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And I was like, wow. And the 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes. I'm like, wow, that really affected. I mean, she was probably I was a dick and I was a bad boyfriend. But like, I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone. Like you want to just be with somebody who you enjoy. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever, the times we argue, if I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I never dated men. The idea of hugging a man and going, hey, how you doing, baby? It's as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this. It's the idea like it's a very weird thing and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play. So they're like, well, so you like men. But I'm like, no, it's like somebody who lives as a man or presents as a man. Right. Doesn't do it for you.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I hate it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay. That's more of a masculine attitude. But it's kind of hard to explain. There's a lot of people right now going, this guy's just a homo and he's delusional. And there's other people going, yes, I know exactly what you're saying. It's hard to explain. But you can't consider yourself straight. I mean, I'm sorry.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
If you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says. If you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, I don't think you can be hetero. I think common sense.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, because I do like vaginas too. I'm not talking so technically.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I guess, I mean.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I know, but some of them are just unpleasant and they're accurate. Do you miss vaginas? Oh, yeah, but I think that, but if she had one, I would just be one up. Like, I would miss every one but hers. Yeah. I mean, it's not like if I married somebody with a pussy, I would get a bunch of them. It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss. Right, right, right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But, you know, yeah, so that's one thing. Of course I do. I do miss that. But, I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict, so I would miss it no matter who I was married to. I would miss everything that I couldn't have. Sure. It's kind of normal, right? Yeah, I think so. That's just married couple shit. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It might.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, he's...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
LAUGHTER He would say that this is what the Warriors, but so the Warriors were doing gay shit. I mean, that's okay. We don't have to like, everybody's trying to rename it and make it okay. Like it is what it is. Like, and progressives have just fucking gone berserk. Like stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male. It's crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual. So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual. It's, Just say you're not heterosexual, it's fine. It is fine.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Kind of, yeah. I think I've always been that way as a kid. Always not sure exactly what I wanted. Again, a lot of it is greed, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Ah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I was probably five. I remember I used to, yeah, I have a picture of myself and I can date it. It was from 73. And I used to have like little oral sex with my friends. But this one kid I was scared of and I used to blow him. But I think I kind of liked it. You know what I mean? Like when I look back on it, it's like my therapist is like, you're molested. I'm like, eh, I don't know.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Maybe I was scared, but I did kind of like it. You guys were around the same age though? He was my age, maybe nine months old, within a year old. It wasn't like he was 41. I'm scared. I feel like, no, but he was my friend. He taught me to fish.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I think so.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yes, but I have a photo of myself, like when I fell and I split my head open, and I know I was already doing it by then, and there's a date on the picture, so I know I was age five. Wow, that's young, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was off to the, I was a trooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
yeah it was very active as a kid it was very uh but i talked about that a lot like you know we would play that the monster rain game and you know it's just one of those things which game my it was uh we would one of us would yell like monster rain and we would hide under the porch and then we would blow each other under the porch but the monster rain this was one of your specials it was it was called monster yeah it's a true story yeah um but yeah we would we would uh all right yeah that's where i came from yeah
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But you don't have to mine for material when it's just that. Exactly. When it's there, it's like, I don't have to go out and find an angle on, fuck, Trump's elected, or this is how, it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much. Like, you have to talk about other stuff too. Yes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Because otherwise, I'm just literally, it's like you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, not at all.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. And that's interesting to do it like a different order. Sometimes I'll do that. Like I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat where I just run the hour and I work on it. You know, you just go through it. And sometimes, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close? Sometimes it's not.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Sometimes it's like, no, the build is kind of what made that better. But yeah, it's ballsy to do that. Like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Switching that 15 minutes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
yeah you know well sometimes it ends and you're like yeah i shouldn't have done that yeah that was a bad move i should have done that in front of 50 people on a workout night instead of yeah instead of uh i'm back on tour now fine like i i had taken time off and i'm not with the radio show anymore so it's like it's weird with you and sam yeah that's i'm that was it serious for 20 years wow wow
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, it was a lot of talking and we just couldn't, you know, they just didn't want to pay it. And I knew it was coming. Like, you know what I mean? Like you see it and it's like, whatever. It's a little scary because it's the first time you're like without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up. You just walk in and talk.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But I feel good that I didn't blow it up either. In life, we sabotage things. Absolutely. Especially comedians. So many comedians. Yeah. Fuck that. They're fucking. And I've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode and watching other people just blow up their life that I'm like, have confidence, but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I mean, ACDC went on after Bon Scott died. I mean, radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them. Right. So you have to be realistic.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. 30 years in, I mean, I really should be executed for my life. We were there at the beginning and I just, I couldn't, I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, but back then I probably could have snuck it in. Back in 2009 or 10, I probably could have fucking, but I would have ruined my life. Like I know that I would have done something or said something on the podcast that like today, I would be like, why the fuck did I say that in 2011? I didn't know it was going to come back to haunt me.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I think that's changed a lot, too, or it's starting to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
People are like, eh, enough already. Enough. Especially, again, because so many of the old radio shows are online. Yeah. I mean, there's hours of offensive shit. It's called the whole show. It was 25 hours a week at one point. It was Monday through Friday, 6 to 11. We were doing five hours a day. So funny, too. I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
They would fuck you back then, too, though. They tried to get us with Homeless Charlie when that homeless guy came in, and he was really just a naturally funny human being, and he was brutal, and he was just talking about the...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
laura bush and he was talking about the queen of england and having sex and like but but in a way that would would be very very um unpleasant for them yeah and uh and uh we were uh we got kicked off a satellite for a month we got suspended for a month and the only thing that saved us yeah bill was in that day The only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And since it didn't happen on their airwaves, they kept the show. But that was the one time. I hated Terrestrial. We were doing kind of double duty. And that actually saved us from our lives being our job. We had gotten fired once already. Yeah, I remember that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, Janet Jackson fucked everything without him intending to. Because after that nipple slip, I think Bush was president. It was 2003, and the fines went tenfold. So it went, like, from $35,000 per occurrence to $350,000 per occurrence. That's like... Big jump. And if you did it on 10 stations, you get fined on each station. So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
They cracked down, and then it just started to get shitty. And again, that kind of eventually gave birth to podcasts where people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore. And podcasts, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted to.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I'm only... I mean, I've done... I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while. But this one of just me and a guest, I like a lot. I've only done a few episodes. We've got like eight episodes taped. But I love it. It's so much fun. And total freedom. Total freedom. Total freedom. And it's an hour. And you're in your house. And I didn't think I would like it in the house.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But I can have somebody whenever I want. Whenever you want to do it, you just do it. It's great. That's the best, dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it, two different senses of humor. And I just want to say what I want to say, and I want the pace to be what I want the pace to be.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, you want the control over it. The fact that we were going to get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays. This whole thing happened really fast. So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs. I'm like, don't fucking languish. Don't just sit there like a lump of shit, hoping and being bitter.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
shut up start doing something else so at least you're you know yeah you're focused on something else yeah um you can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself nobody wants to nobody cares nobody's gonna feel sorry for me well that's like life that taught you not to just sit around because like maybe 25 year old version of you would would do that or something you know
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Getting fired in 2002 changed my life. That changed everything for me. You see that it can happen. They can take everything from you. You also know that you're going to be okay. I remember I was with Bobby Kelly. We lived in the same building, and I lived on the 22nd floor. I was saying to myself, I should just jump out the window. I finally have fans, and now the whole thing is gone.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
My life sucks. Just fucking kill yourself. It was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along. It's like, there's always something else. There's always something. Always something else. Although now it's just me, so I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or ONA to come back. So we'll see how it goes.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It was fun. I still see Colin and Keith all the time. Like it'll be Keith Robinson, who's actually just as fun. It's crazy. He had a stroke and Keith is amazing. And I hate, I would never say this to him, but he's amazing because he never feels sorry for himself. Yeah. Like, it's fucking crazy. He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the cellar.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club and he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slow and never feel sorry for himself. It's really... And it's exactly the opposite of how I would handle it. You know what I mean? I would be milking it and bitching. And he just did a brilliant hour on Netflix. It's really inspiring to see him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And he's still funny, which is crazy. That's incredible. And Patrice, these dumb fans, it's always, no matter what, especially with my marriage, what if Patrice was alive? What would he say? And I think that he would love the fact that his name is being used to torture all of us.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebs living in his shadow.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's nice, yeah. It's like I wish he would have gotten to see it, but I'm happy for him that he's not forgotten. Like, Otto, Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more, Otto and George. Otto and George, yeah. Yeah, I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He was so great, and I just wish that more people talked about him, but I'm happy for Petrie. You know what I mean? Like, when you see one friend getting so many accolades, you're happy, and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more. And Greg. And Geraldo. I love Geraldo.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, he was such a good comic. So funny. So good. His son does comedy. No! His son, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Greg Jr. What? And he's a good-looking kid, and yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps. I just think how happy Greg would be to see him doing that. He's in the city doing it? He is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He was working at the cellar as a waiter, and now he's out just kind of like, just hustling like every other young comic. It's great to see. That's crazy.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. Geraldo was a funny dude.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, he was at Harvard. Jesus Christ. Isn't it crazy how many comics went to law school, went to Harvard, all this stuff? And then there's me. How far did you get? I dropped out of high school.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Do you feel attached to those years? Do you, like, when you look back at, like, high school and, like, they'll, like, because obviously they want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are. Do you go or do you, like, eh? No.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Who does not laugh at that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Come on, that's fucking, who would not laugh at that?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I wrote fuck on the wall. When someone puts porn in like some type of presentation and porn, I don't care where it is. It's always funny. It's always funny. Who doesn't enjoy that? I know. With dirty, like just something inappropriate and language wise.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Especially if it's a woman.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, but I'm pissed I missed that one. Yeah, that's a good one.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Some guy said, I forget who it was that did this interview. He was a prisoner. And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read, he got a book, it was a mystery. And somebody had gotten the book first and went back. And the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared. I mean, so it just wrecks it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I'd buy that. I'm going to get a Galaxy. That's really funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That is so funny. Yeah. There's really funny people out there. Like when you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking, sorry, Silver Lake Gun Club, Silver Lake is not getting a gunshot. Yes. That's him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, it's not, unfortunately. Oh, it's not? God damn.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I'm not creative like that. I wish I was. My humor works different than that, but I wish I had the ability to do that. That and that T-Mobile thing, that made me laugh out loud like that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Are you good at that? I'm not good at that. I'm not good at conceptualizing the bigger picture, the scene. For me, it just comes in little spurts and little aggressive actions, and then I'm kind of done.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, are just... What was Colin's thing again? God, he was so funny with that. Colin, he was just such an ass and that nothing bothers him and he'd always say, hey, fans. Oh, that's right. And it's just so infuriating and he just doesn't care. But he really doesn't care. So it works because it's legit. He's just being ridiculous. He doesn't care. He's not trying to make any big points.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Just the amount of people that will go like, we're fucking talking about it. They just don't understand that he's being an idiot.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I think he's probably... Him or Attell. And you hate saying those guys because of course everyone says them. It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle. But I think Colin is probably my favorite guy to watch because every year it's a new hour. It's about something. And it's really... He's never...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I remember I was on stage one time at the cellar doing something it was just whatever I was just going from A to Z quickly and he just walked through and he went nice writing lazy and he was right I was fucking I'm lazy he never is lazy with his writing it's always it's never the easy road he doesn't do the audience's emotional work I just he's just great he's the best guy
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That kind of annoys me. I don't like that he actually, you'll see a clip and you're like, wow, I really didn't know that. That's what he wants me to say. I hate him. I do, too. But the material is great. He's able to take these dry subjects. The Constitution is not a funny thing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, red state, blue state, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
and I was only a few years in you know it was like so cutting but it was the same kind of thing where I was like oh he's I'm being lazy like I haven't yeah he's telling you something he's fucking with you yeah but he's also such a great like no matter what he says you know it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant and I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much yeah but I mean he really is fucking his mind Jeselnik has the ability to do that too like where like with Dave you never see the punchline coming again I have no idea where it's
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
you know we write jokes so you kind of know the fucking a b you never see it coming and it annoys me and jazz like even though he's got kind of like a cadence and a pace yeah and you have an idea of where it might be 90 of the time i still don't see yeah you just you predict you're like this is gonna be fucked up yeah or like and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be yeah but you don't always know
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good. I'm with colony. I never see it coming when I don't see it coming. I'm like, fuck.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. It's also, I can't watch guys. I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing. I know. I know. Same. That guy's better. Yeah. It's upsetting. Do you get those, those like weird petty, I don't say jealousies, but those weird, like fuck, He's great, and I'm just never going to be that. Oh, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Right. At what point do we let go of... I'm going to, cause there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one. At what point do we say like, yeah, I'm good at what I do, but I'm not, I'm not going to be that guy. And like, when does that happen?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, I'm okay with it too. I just don't know when it happened. I don't know what the period was where you kind of slide into accepting that and going, yeah, I'll always be good at what I do and it's great and some people like it and some people think it stinks and that's fine. But that group, I'm not in that group. I don't know when I came to accept that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, some lists are amazing. Segura and Norton. Oh, and Netflix you need to watch.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Wait, who made this up? Did your producers make this up before?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You got it. I know. There's never time. It's also from 2014, Jim.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
This is probably Nick Swartzen.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, this has got to be. I'm going to guess this is 2015. This is not a new list. Although Mulaney's on it, so maybe it's not that old. What year is that from? 2020.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. He's handsome. He's handsome. Funny.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And a good performer. It's always different. Yep. Yeah, you look at him, you're like, yeah, I get why he's really successful.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Well, when I was five, let's just clarify, not like now. How do you get fired from driving a bus?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
If you're hitting something in people or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good because that's what makes me laugh. And again, it's the stupidest thing. Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it. But when you hear a comic hit something like that, it still makes me feel something. I mean, that's what politics is.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Somebody says something that I feel in my guts and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You know, it kind of works. And the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who wins. Yeah. The guy who can tap into that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. Unless it's Bad News Bears, and then I like the new one better. The new one was much better. Yeah. But yeah, I don't like PG movies either. I just feel like, nah, they're going to censor something out that I want to see. It's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit, which is such a great fucking hilarious movie.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
There's a line where Jackie Gleason, he sees the cop in the thing and he goes, next time wear a badge on your diety. And it was covering the word dick. But it's so bad. It's such a bad after dub.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But you could see his mouth. He goes, next time wear your badge on your dick, which would have been a really funny line. Really funny. But they, I think, diedy. Yeah. Like your diaper, whatever that is. It was such a bad dub. He's amazing in that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him. He's the funniest fat guy ever. Like again, Belushi was great. John Candy was great. Chris Farley's great. But in that realm of like larger than life fat guys. Yes. Nobody was funnier than Gleason. Nobody.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like, like they said if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to like remember a line. Like he was just one of those guys that was just great in the moment and the rest of them would want to rehearse. I think Joyce Randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that. Trixie. Really?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, I think her brother was a lawyer or her brother-in-law was a lawyer and she signed something for like whatever she signed, but she wound up getting money over the years and the rest of them did not. Holy shit. Because back then it was live and done and no one thought it would be anything else. Right.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Oh, see, I got it wrong. I thought it was Joyce Randolph. It was Audrey Meadows. Okay, it was one of them. Bro, that's amazing. Yeah, she was really funny, too. She was like the first feminist on TV. She always won. She was always right. She was always smarter than her fucking husband. And she brutalized him. Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I mean, some of the lines were just... They were just really, really monstrously funny things she got to say. It's the best show ever. It's an incredible show. They couldn't touch sex. They couldn't touch divorce. Nothing that you could kind of... They had such a limited... Yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Corridor, yeah, boundaries, and they were just, you ever see the original Alice? It just doesn't work.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
There's like an original Alice, and I think she played a maid on later episodes, but a couple of them, I think her and Trixie were the second ones. Great show. Amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
You've never watched The Honeymoons? I've only seen To the Moon, Alice. Oh, it's amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
There's only 39 of the classic. Like, there's other ones that were shot for, like, I think, whatever, Cavalcade of Stars, whatever the show was. But the 39, like, the guts of the series episode, the big ones, wow, you've never seen them. No. That's amazing.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Mr. Ed was good. This is great.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit. You did? Yeah, not well, but he would come around. He was doing stand-up, and me and Voss hung out with him. And he's probably, at that time, the most famous person I'd ever been around because homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson. But he went on at Caroline's, and he was kind of a half-souled
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
and he walked on to the Jeffersons theme song and he just did like, you know, 35, 40 minutes of stand up and I think he brought people on but it was nice to get to know him but, you know. Nice guy. Very nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We kept in touch for a while and then he died. Yeah. Yeah, that ended that.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yes, all good.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's both.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
And pool disasters are like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete and you smash your knees. Oh, dude. Yeah, pool disasters are terrible.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
But again, I see the humor in it. Watching somebody get flattened is always funny. It's always funny, yeah.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
They just wanted to zip through people. They wanted people as their obstacles.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
No, because it looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike. Like the boys' bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash. Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike? Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too bad.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Right. It looks like if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Having fun trying to prove that he's still got it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He's two blocks back and he's falling. He hasn't run in...
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
That's the problem. Because he probably had on dress shoes. Yeah. And his friend goes, you want to race like in the old days? Yeah. And he's like, let me take my shoes off. Oh, is that fantastic?
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I so wish we had the after shot of just like missing face. You ever see shots of that like motorcycle accidents. I've seen like a lot of videos of people who like have these awful Motorcycle accidents and the fucking piece of their half their face is gone. I can't get on a motorcycle.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
I don't know if I saw it.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah, I'd love to see it. This is different. The one I'm thinking of was in a zoo or something, and he had jumped into the tiger cage, and the tiger was just walking around with him, dragging him by the head, and people were throwing things at him. It's crazy how... When an animal like that is eating someone, intervention doesn't matter to it. No, you're fucked. You're just dead. You're doomed.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
He's not afraid of people hitting him.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
it's net i there was one video it was it was from an african safari and it was like it was a uh it was either a gazelle or what it was one of those a buffalo stuck in the mud like up to the shore and the lions are just eating it alive and then they bite its asshole out yeah because i guess that's sweet but they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
Yeah. And the buffalo is just standing there. Just embarrassed. Making those noises. Yeah. But you can never tell. That's the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole's being eaten out by a fucking predator. You have no idea. They're very hard to read.
Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
The Most Consistent Cool Guy w/ Jim Norton | Your Mom's House Ep. 795
It's called Sword Fight, and we've just been doing it where we have guests come on, and most of them are comics. Yeah. And I just wanted to do something with her because she makes me laugh. That's awesome. And yeah, we do it once a week, and I love it. Awesome. Thank you for coming in. Thank you, Tim.