Jim Norton
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Oh, wow. There he is. Jimmy. Oh, guys.
Oh, wow. There he is. Jimmy. Oh, guys.
Here's a picture of me and Rosalind Carter.
Here's a picture of me and Rosalind Carter.
You probably made that guy's year. I did. I still have it, too. Jocko the Clown.
You probably made that guy's year. I did. I still have it, too. Jocko the Clown.
Imagine seeing a local clown on a birthday party. This guy's got it. You've got to sign it.
Imagine seeing a local clown on a birthday party. This guy's got it. You've got to sign it.
I might never get this chance again. Meanwhile, he's working at a Pep Boys during the week.
I might never get this chance again. Meanwhile, he's working at a Pep Boys during the week.
That's really good.
That's really good.
See, that's true classic. Tied on you.
See, that's true classic. Tied on you.
Get yourself a true frigging classic.
Get yourself a true frigging classic.
It's good to see you. I love the new place.
It's good to see you. I love the new place.
It's snug in the arms and the chest with the right amount of room in the midsection. It'll make you feel like a yoked up defensive end or something. You know what I mean? They got moisture wicking. I am not. All the active wear has moisture wicking, quick dry, and odor control. You can mix match clothing for your lifestyle. 100% perfect fit guarantee with easy returns.
It's snug in the arms and the chest with the right amount of room in the midsection. It'll make you feel like a yoked up defensive end or something. You know what I mean? They got moisture wicking. I am not. All the active wear has moisture wicking, quick dry, and odor control. You can mix match clothing for your lifestyle. 100% perfect fit guarantee with easy returns.
Really impressive.
Really impressive.
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Yeah, yeah. I was on the block, and I'm like, I don't know about this block. Looks like the place De Niro sent Karen to get dressed.
Yeah, yeah. I was on the block, and I'm like, I don't know about this block. Looks like the place De Niro sent Karen to get dressed.
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Slash garbage. Please support our show and tell them we sang it and the year with holiday cheer. Thanks to True Classics.
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Ooh, Tushy, Tushy, Tushy.
Ooh, Tushy, Tushy, Tushy.
Yeah, screaming me.
Yeah, screaming me.
Yeah. As the big man said, they were nice enough to send it to us. And it's a... We got him here in the studio. It's a proper game changer. It's one of those things where you're like, how was I walking around like that with just poo on my butt? It's crazy. It's easy setup. You can do it anywhere. It's fan-freaking-tastic. Clean water right in your poo. Fresh. You know what I mean? It's all right.
Yeah. As the big man said, they were nice enough to send it to us. And it's a... We got him here in the studio. It's a proper game changer. It's one of those things where you're like, how was I walking around like that with just poo on my butt? It's crazy. It's easy setup. You can do it anywhere. It's fan-freaking-tastic. Clean water right in your poo. Fresh. You know what I mean? It's all right.
They always gave me the little beers. They always gave you the ones I've heard about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones I've heard about, yeah.
They always gave me the little beers. They always gave you the ones I've heard about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones I've heard about, yeah.
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And right now, you can give the gift of practical luxury that benefits everyone in your household. Go to hellotushy.com slash garbage now to grab your deal before it's gone. And don't forget to give us a shout out while you're there. Let them know we sent you. Let them know the boys sent you for a clean b-hole. Can I tell you this real quick? What?
For the big boys out there, takes a lot of the work out of reaching back there. Sure. So go to HelloTushy.com forward slash garbage to get the best gift this holiday season. Do it. Yeah.
For the big boys out there, takes a lot of the work out of reaching back there. Sure. So go to HelloTushy.com forward slash garbage to get the best gift this holiday season. Do it. Yeah.
No, the only job I did during comedy, I worked at a place called Christoph Silver where I was doing, like, I was working on a packing line with really high expensive, like, you know, $300 forks. Sure.
No, the only job I did during comedy, I worked at a place called Christoph Silver where I was doing, like, I was working on a packing line with really high expensive, like, you know, $300 forks. Sure.
You know, Christoph is a great, like, high-priced silverware, and I would write jokes on fragile stickers, and then I worked for this place called Leicos Lamps, which were high, high-end Italian lamps. How'd you get into this shit? I was a warehouse worker in Raritan, whatever it was called, Raritan Valley or Raritan Center in Edison, New Jersey. Okay.
You know, Christoph is a great, like, high-priced silverware, and I would write jokes on fragile stickers, and then I worked for this place called Leicos Lamps, which were high, high-end Italian lamps. How'd you get into this shit? I was a warehouse worker in Raritan, whatever it was called, Raritan Valley or Raritan Center in Edison, New Jersey. Okay.
So I was just working at Kristoff, and then when they moved back to New York, I stayed there and worked at Lea Coast Lamps, but got fired because I would go to Maryland and sleep through work the next day. Sure. So I got fucking paid.
So I was just working at Kristoff, and then when they moved back to New York, I stayed there and worked at Lea Coast Lamps, but got fired because I would go to Maryland and sleep through work the next day. Sure. So I got fucking paid.
Well, no, no. It was more like me and Levy. One time me and Levy jerked off on the television. Florentine was out with a waitress, and then me and Levy both scrapped loads on the TV set.
Well, no, no. It was more like me and Levy. One time me and Levy jerked off on the television. Florentine was out with a waitress, and then me and Levy both scrapped loads on the TV set.
And then we just wanted to just have, even Jim would go crazy when he came back. And he just looked at it, and he went, beautiful, and then went to sleep. That was the only reaction we got out of him. my pseudo-gay experience with Bob Lee.
And then we just wanted to just have, even Jim would go crazy when he came back. And he just looked at it, and he went, beautiful, and then went to sleep. That was the only reaction we got out of him. my pseudo-gay experience with Bob Lee.
It's not really pseudo. No, no, we didn't look at each other's dicks.
It's not really pseudo. No, no, we didn't look at each other's dicks.
We were facing the TV.
We were facing the TV.
We were laughing.
We were laughing.
You know, did I quit? There was a company called Zero Copper that I worked for, and I drove a forklift. Who are you?
You know, did I quit? There was a company called Zero Copper that I worked for, and I drove a forklift. Who are you?
You know, I go back and forth. It's funny you say that because I don't know when this airs, but today we put up a video. It's an argument we had a year ago today. Our YouTube channel has been live for a year. Okay. Yeah, but she came back. We had somebody filming us at the time, and she came home.
You know, I go back and forth. It's funny you say that because I don't know when this airs, but today we put up a video. It's an argument we had a year ago today. Our YouTube channel has been live for a year. Okay. Yeah, but she came back. We had somebody filming us at the time, and she came home.
I know. Dude, never in a million years I think Jim Norton knows how to drive a forklift.
I know. Dude, never in a million years I think Jim Norton knows how to drive a forklift.
I drove a forklift. I was doing a diamond mine in Kenya. No, I was actually in charge of chopping off the hands if the diamonds were missing. I don't want to do it, but, you know, a job's a job.
I drove a forklift. I was doing a diamond mine in Kenya. No, I was actually in charge of chopping off the hands if the diamonds were missing. I don't want to do it, but, you know, a job's a job.
I was... No, I drove a forklift that we would get these 20-foot bundles of copper tubing and they would be like on these giant... Wrapped in these... That shit's dangerous. Yes, it was. And it was... I had a giant boom on the front and I would drive onto a ramp that was rotting in the corner and go on the back of flatbeds and pull off these giant... Jesus. ...things of copper tubing.
I was... No, I drove a forklift that we would get these 20-foot bundles of copper tubing and they would be like on these giant... Wrapped in these... That shit's dangerous. Yes, it was. And it was... I had a giant boom on the front and I would drive onto a ramp that was rotting in the corner and go on the back of flatbeds and pull off these giant... Jesus. ...things of copper tubing.
I did that for a while. That job I might have just...
I did that for a while. That job I might have just...
quit i worked with a guy at that place so i'm sure he's dead at this point and uh there was a hooker that i knew who would come by and uh a hooker that i knew was a crazy she was right oh yeah if you're working with guys that you assume are dead at this point yeah yeah yeah well he was an older guy back then and and uh her uh she would you know she wasn't that attractive
quit i worked with a guy at that place so i'm sure he's dead at this point and uh there was a hooker that i knew who would come by and uh a hooker that i knew was a crazy she was right oh yeah if you're working with guys that you assume are dead at this point yeah yeah yeah well he was an older guy back then and and uh her uh she would you know she wasn't that attractive
But he was like, Jim, I would love to. And I'm like, okay, man. I'm like, but just take your wallet out of your pocket. If your pants go around your ankles. Because she was going to the office in Bloom. But I'm like, make sure that you take your wallet out. Because, you know, and I saw him on Monday. I'm like, how was it? He goes, she took my wallet. I'm like, what did you do?
But he was like, Jim, I would love to. And I'm like, okay, man. I'm like, but just take your wallet out of your pocket. If your pants go around your ankles. Because she was going to the office in Bloom. But I'm like, make sure that you take your wallet out. Because, you know, and I saw him on Monday. I'm like, how was it? He goes, she took my wallet. I'm like, what did you do?
I'm like, did you take it out?
I'm like, did you take it out?
He goes, I forgot. Mary's up to her tricks again. She would do it at the office?
He goes, I forgot. Mary's up to her tricks again. She would do it at the office?
Because it was in this really desolate, weird warehouse area by New Brunswick. So New Brunswick is where these hookers hung out, like around Howard Street and Commercial Avenue. That was the intersection. Oh, yeah.
Because it was in this really desolate, weird warehouse area by New Brunswick. So New Brunswick is where these hookers hung out, like around Howard Street and Commercial Avenue. That was the intersection. Oh, yeah.
Right there, right next to the dominoes?
Right there, right next to the dominoes?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a worse intersection than Reginald Denny's fucking toilet seat to the head. And he wound up getting his wallet taken and, yeah, his money stolen out of his pocket because he let his pants go around his ankles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a worse intersection than Reginald Denny's fucking toilet seat to the head. And he wound up getting his wallet taken and, yeah, his money stolen out of his pocket because he let his pants go around his ankles.
Rookie mistake. But he was old. He was very old by then. So, yeah, 35 years ago is probably dead.
Rookie mistake. But he was old. He was very old by then. So, yeah, 35 years ago is probably dead.
I did drive a forklift. I enjoyed it. I did that at a few jobs. I worked at Pergament, which was like Home Depot. It was a Staten Island-based company. Right. Okay. Yeah. And I offloaded tractor trailers for a while. That's what I worked in receiving. So I would just go in the back of trucks and... What age are you talking about? Early 20s? I would say from... I started comedy at 21.
I did drive a forklift. I enjoyed it. I did that at a few jobs. I worked at Pergament, which was like Home Depot. It was a Staten Island-based company. Right. Okay. Yeah. And I offloaded tractor trailers for a while. That's what I worked in receiving. So I would just go in the back of trucks and... What age are you talking about? Early 20s? I would say from... I started comedy at 21.
So I would say... Eight, 17 to, because I dropped out of high school, so I was working full time by the time I was like 17 or 18. Okay, into your early 20s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 18 to 21.
So I would say... Eight, 17 to, because I dropped out of high school, so I was working full time by the time I was like 17 or 18. Okay, into your early 20s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 18 to 21.
and was just emotional and tired and like, you know, certain times you, let's just say certain people partake in certain activities, but when they travel international, they don't partake in those activities.
and was just emotional and tired and like, you know, certain times you, let's just say certain people partake in certain activities, but when they travel international, they don't partake in those activities.
It would take a little, a minute, but I could. I wouldn't want to go up on the ramps again, because that ramp was awful, because you would like lilt to the right, and you were on a shipping dock, so if you fell off, you were going to get killed.
It would take a little, a minute, but I could. I wouldn't want to go up on the ramps again, because that ramp was awful, because you would like lilt to the right, and you were on a shipping dock, so if you fell off, you were going to get killed.
Where do you say you would just land? You'd be like the supervisor at the dock.
Where do you say you would just land? You'd be like the supervisor at the dock.
I would be doing something like that, yeah, because I hated, I was, again, uneducated, so I wasn't qualified to do anything else.
I would be doing something like that, yeah, because I hated, I was, again, uneducated, so I wasn't qualified to do anything else.
And, yeah, I would probably be driving a forklift.
And, yeah, I would probably be driving a forklift.
All right. Pretty good. Good work if you can get it.
All right. Pretty good. Good work if you can get it.
It is, yeah. Huh. It was a fun job. Is it cut the grass or mow the lawn? That's a great question. Cut the grass. I'm going to mow the lawn. I mean, I would have to say 50-50. I never chose. I've said both, I admit, embarrassingly. I don't know what the right answer is, but I've said cut the grass, and I've said mow the lawn.
It is, yeah. Huh. It was a fun job. Is it cut the grass or mow the lawn? That's a great question. Cut the grass. I'm going to mow the lawn. I mean, I would have to say 50-50. I never chose. I've said both, I admit, embarrassingly. I don't know what the right answer is, but I've said cut the grass, and I've said mow the lawn.
You think? Mow the lawn, yeah. Cut the grass. You cut the grass.
You think? Mow the lawn, yeah. Cut the grass. You cut the grass.
Okay. Mow the lawn is something that you would probably find in an upper echelon home. Yeah. I'm going to mow the lawn. Cut the grass is more of trash.
Okay. Mow the lawn is something that you would probably find in an upper echelon home. Yeah. I'm going to mow the lawn. Cut the grass is more of trash.
Car insurance. Oh, no. Car insurance.
Car insurance. Oh, no. Car insurance.
Yeah, car insurance is trashy. Car insurance. That's a guy who can't pay the insurance bill.
Yeah, car insurance is trashy. Car insurance. That's a guy who can't pay the insurance bill.
Yeah, car insurance.
Yeah, car insurance.
And how do you pronounce the product that Crayola makes?
And how do you pronounce the product that Crayola makes?
Crayon. Not crayon.
Crayon. Not crayon.
How would you say it?
How would you say it?
I'd say crayon. Crayon?
I'd say crayon. Crayon?
That's like Philly, right? You go to Delaware, yeah.
That's like Philly, right? You go to Delaware, yeah.
Pack of crayons? No, crayon.
Pack of crayons? No, crayon.
You said it proper. I do crown. Like a gentleman. Crayola crowns. No, I would never say that.
You said it proper. I do crown. Like a gentleman. Crayola crowns. No, I would never say that.
Fucking queen have it on her head? My dad wasn't the sharpest tool in this shit. Wait, where are you from? You're Philly, too, right?
Fucking queen have it on her head? My dad wasn't the sharpest tool in this shit. Wait, where are you from? You're Philly, too, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it.
And their mood is a little hypersensitive and shit.
And their mood is a little hypersensitive and shit.
My wife says minced meat, and I want to just drop kick her.
My wife says minced meat, and I want to just drop kick her.
I'm like, holy, he was fucking 78? No one says minced meat.
I'm like, holy, he was fucking 78? No one says minced meat.
Yeah. All right. Okay, what was the last other one I had? How do you clean a public toilet seat? My tongue. The money's right.
Yeah. All right. Okay, what was the last other one I had? How do you clean a public toilet seat? My tongue. The money's right.
Yeah, what do you mean?
Yeah, what do you mean?
You're somewhere that's not great. Do you have an issue with that? Will you clean it? Will you dry it? What do you do?
You're somewhere that's not great. Do you have an issue with that? Will you clean it? Will you dry it? What do you do?
Here's what I do. All right, I pull the toilet paper down. Obviously, you clean the seat. Give it a flyby. Now, it depends if it's a full seat or if it's the one that goes like that with the little space where all the piss collects. Because then you have to scrape that. And there have been times where I've gone out and gotten a little water and wiped that. Okay.
Here's what I do. All right, I pull the toilet paper down. Obviously, you clean the seat. Give it a flyby. Now, it depends if it's a full seat or if it's the one that goes like that with the little space where all the piss collects. Because then you have to scrape that. And there have been times where I've gone out and gotten a little water and wiped that. Okay.
And then pushed that thing into the toilet. Okay. And then take a nice fresh sheet or two, put it there, and then sit down and take my dump. But it has to be hygienic. Okay.
And then pushed that thing into the toilet. Okay. And then take a nice fresh sheet or two, put it there, and then sit down and take my dump. But it has to be hygienic. Okay.
That's good. That's a fucking gentleman.
That's good. That's a fucking gentleman.
I had to shit when I came in here today. And I looked at your bathroom and...
I had to shit when I came in here today. And I looked at your bathroom and...
It's pretty bad, right? It's not great at the moment.
It's pretty bad, right? It's not great at the moment.
You don't want to poop in there? No, just because I can hear you going, hey, you guys are chatting out here.
You don't want to poop in there? No, just because I can hear you going, hey, you guys are chatting out here.
That's kind of it, yeah.
That's kind of it, yeah.
You can hear everything.
You can hear everything.
Not at all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't care. And I wouldn't even care if you guys do, but it wasn't an emergency. But I looked at your seat and I was like, am I going to have to clean this toilet seat? And shit, I like a nice clean seat.
Not at all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't care. And I wouldn't even care if you guys do, but it wasn't an emergency. But I looked at your seat and I was like, am I going to have to clean this toilet seat? And shit, I like a nice clean seat.
Well, I lifted it to piss, and I left it up because I piss slow, and I didn't want you guys to think I had been shitting, so I left it up just so you knew.
Well, I lifted it to piss, and I left it up because I piss slow, and I didn't want you guys to think I had been shitting, so I left it up just so you knew.
So she unraveled, and we had an argument. And it's like, when I look at that, I'm like, that's what marriage is. It's everything, every fucking hack comic in the 80s.
So she unraveled, and we had an argument. And it's like, when I look at that, I'm like, that's what marriage is. It's everything, every fucking hack comic in the 80s.
Yeah. That was the worst when you're on a date, and you're taking a dump, and you knew you were away too long to be pissing. I would always come back with an excuse, like, ah, my contacts. Like I was doing something other than shitting.
Yeah. That was the worst when you're on a date, and you're taking a dump, and you knew you were away too long to be pissing. I would always come back with an excuse, like, ah, my contacts. Like I was doing something other than shitting.
I had to turn the shower on one time. I was in there for so long. It steams it up, dude. It was so loud. It was early in my days. It was her house. It was.
I had to turn the shower on one time. I was in there for so long. It steams it up, dude. It was so loud. It was early in my days. It was her house. It was.
Showering in my house?
Showering in my house?
It was her house. Really? Yeah, dude, it was just a night after. It was just bad. It was like I'd rather. You know what's happening. I'd rather you not hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, you can use your imagination.
It was her house. Really? Yeah, dude, it was just a night after. It was just bad. It was like I'd rather. You know what's happening. I'd rather you not hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, you can use your imagination.
Yeah. I was like Norton with Florentine.
Yeah. I was like Norton with Florentine.
I've never had one thrown to me. I'm like Peter Brady, just running around the house, hoping for my party. And I realize my dad has AIDS.
I've never had one thrown to me. I'm like Peter Brady, just running around the house, hoping for my party. And I realize my dad has AIDS.
What was the high school you went to? North Brunswick Township High School. Hit him. Get on it. We find that if you're a notable alum.
What was the high school you went to? North Brunswick Township High School. Hit him. Get on it. We find that if you're a notable alum.
I am, but there's a soccer player who's first. I might be in the top five.
I am, but there's a soccer player who's first. I might be in the top five.
Dude, it's so bad, because I'll try to write a bit that I think is specific to me. I'm like, this happened. And then I'm like, it's on an episode of According to Jim or something. I'm like, fuck.
Dude, it's so bad, because I'll try to write a bit that I think is specific to me. I'm like, this happened. And then I'm like, it's on an episode of According to Jim or something. I'm like, fuck.
Oh, James Altucher is still a friend.
Oh, James Altucher is still a friend.
He goes broke on purpose and then makes a lot of money back. He owns Stand Up New York for a while. Oh, that guy.
He goes broke on purpose and then makes a lot of money back. He owns Stand Up New York for a while. Oh, that guy.
James. Yeah, he's really interesting. He's a great chess player.
James. Yeah, he's really interesting. He's a great chess player.
You went to high school with him? I know him since fourth grade.
You went to high school with him? I know him since fourth grade.
Yeah, he's a really smart guy. He's a very interesting guy. That's crazy.
Yeah, he's a really smart guy. He's a very interesting guy. That's crazy.
Harry Spears, that's right.
Harry Spears, that's right.
No shit. Yeah, but this is an alphabetical order.
No shit. Yeah, but this is an alphabetical order.
Harry's is younger than me. I know Harry Spears since his mom used to bring him to open mics. He was a talented young guy. Harry, yeah. And we would go to a place called Arbogon's. I'm sure he'll remember it in East Brunswick. But his mother would bring him because he was, I think he was too young to go in and she would take it. And you're like, this fucking kid is great.
Harry's is younger than me. I know Harry Spears since his mom used to bring him to open mics. He was a talented young guy. Harry, yeah. And we would go to a place called Arbogon's. I'm sure he'll remember it in East Brunswick. But his mother would bring him because he was, I think he was too young to go in and she would take it. And you're like, this fucking kid is great.
Like why he would do RoboCop. And you just knew that this guy was, but I remembered him because that name, Ari Spears is such a distinctive name. Yeah. But I know him a long time.
Like why he would do RoboCop. And you just knew that this guy was, but I remembered him because that name, Ari Spears is such a distinctive name. Yeah. But I know him a long time.
Yeah. I don't think I remember him from school. I knew him from the open mics though. Two of us are both outcasts from high school.
Yeah. I don't think I remember him from school. I knew him from the open mics though. Two of us are both outcasts from high school.
Yeah, he ain't graduating.
Yeah, he ain't graduating.
Yeah, has anybody talked about holding the purse in the mall?
Yeah, has anybody talked about holding the purse in the mall?
I just saw that. Everything's good.
I just saw that. Everything's good.
Excellent. Really great.
Excellent. Really great.
Well, there. Notable alum. Jimmy Norton. Love to see you. That's great. Let's say, what's the shower like at the house? Is it like a tub shower or a stand-up shower? Stand-up. It's got to be stand-up.
Well, there. Notable alum. Jimmy Norton. Love to see you. That's great. Let's say, what's the shower like at the house? Is it like a tub shower or a stand-up shower? Stand-up. It's got to be stand-up.
Well, I mean, there are two. And the reason there's a second one is I got a tub, a nice tub, the second one. They said if you ever want to resell, a tub is good to have so parents with little kids can move in. It's a good thing to have. But the main shower, it's a spa adventure. I wanted, it's a big glass. A gentleman. A truly gentleman's steam experience.
Well, I mean, there are two. And the reason there's a second one is I got a tub, a nice tub, the second one. They said if you ever want to resell, a tub is good to have so parents with little kids can move in. It's a good thing to have. But the main shower, it's a spa adventure. I wanted, it's a big glass. A gentleman. A truly gentleman's steam experience.
Because I have it where you can close off the top and it becomes a steam shower. So I can sit there and take a nice steam bath. And I'm in a real good steam. And then it's probably, it's bigger than this table area.
Because I have it where you can close off the top and it becomes a steam shower. So I can sit there and take a nice steam bath. And I'm in a real good steam. And then it's probably, it's bigger than this table area.
It's a large. It's a nice place. And there's a chair in the, like there's a concrete looking thing. Like a bench. A bench, thank you, yeah. So you can sit down.
It's a large. It's a nice place. And there's a chair in the, like there's a concrete looking thing. Like a bench. A bench, thank you, yeah. So you can sit down.
I like to sit there. It's good when you're taking a steam and you want to just blow your nose and relax. Sure. A couple of robes hanging up in case there's company. That's it. For the jacuzzi. There's a couple of robes. There's a jacuzzi? Outside, yeah.
I like to sit there. It's good when you're taking a steam and you want to just blow your nose and relax. Sure. A couple of robes hanging up in case there's company. That's it. For the jacuzzi. There's a couple of robes. There's a jacuzzi? Outside, yeah.
Out on the balcony? Oh, yeah, yeah. You've never been to my house?
Out on the balcony? Oh, yeah, yeah. You've never been to my house?
No, the balcony, if you want to get onto the terrace, you can go from there.
No, the balcony, if you want to get onto the terrace, you can go from there.
Because we saw you on Bert's cruise. Yes. You guys, you were together, and that was my first time meeting your wife. And we got on the bus together, and she was, it was very, you guys were doing well. Moving together. It was still the first day of the trip, too.
Because we saw you on Bert's cruise. Yes. You guys, you were together, and that was my first time meeting your wife. And we got on the bus together, and she was, it was very, you guys were doing well. Moving together. It was still the first day of the trip, too.
There is a little Juliet balcony.
There is a little Juliet balcony.
What the fuck is that? You're talking to two dirtbags.
What the fuck is that? You're talking to two dirtbags.
Few are as quick as Mr. Norton, baby.
Few are as quick as Mr. Norton, baby.
Now, if you go out, a Juliet balcony is, when you leave the bedroom, there's a small, it's almost like it's enough room for one person. And you can just stand out there and look. And it's probably, it's just enough for one person to relax, share a table.
Now, if you go out, a Juliet balcony is, when you leave the bedroom, there's a small, it's almost like it's enough room for one person. And you can just stand out there and look. And it's probably, it's just enough for one person to relax, share a table.
Sure, I would jump, dude, if I woke up on a bad day.
Sure, I would jump, dude, if I woke up on a bad day.
I've thought of it.
I've thought of it.
That's the guest bathroom. That's attached to the living room. And the master bath is... It has no, pardon me, no tub in it. It's just got the standing shower and the steam room. Damn! And the outside area.
That's the guest bathroom. That's attached to the living room. And the master bath is... It has no, pardon me, no tub in it. It's just got the standing shower and the steam room. Damn! And the outside area.
Yes, it has places to sit and it's got the jacuzzi.
Yes, it has places to sit and it's got the jacuzzi.
How often are you using that jacuzzi?
How often are you using that jacuzzi?
Not as often as you think. Like, you think you're going to use it. I had a new one put in because there was one that came with the place, but I was just like, it was a little smaller than I would care for. And I didn't, I don't want somebody else's jacuzzi energy.
Not as often as you think. Like, you think you're going to use it. I had a new one put in because there was one that came with the place, but I was just like, it was a little smaller than I would care for. And I didn't, I don't want somebody else's jacuzzi energy.
Sure. So I had to hire. I'd be wiping that thing down every day. This guy could have struck out all the time for all I know. He's got bad juju in him. This guy can't close. I need my new one.
Sure. So I had to hire. I'd be wiping that thing down every day. This guy could have struck out all the time for all I know. He's got bad juju in him. This guy can't close. I need my new one.
So yeah, we had a crane come and bring up a new one. That's how they put a jacuzzi on it. They bring a crane out. That cost extra? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. I should have got the forklift. It was 10 grand to shut the fucking street down for five minutes. And then they lift it up. They hoist it. And I have video of it going up.
So yeah, we had a crane come and bring up a new one. That's how they put a jacuzzi on it. They bring a crane out. That cost extra? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. I should have got the forklift. It was 10 grand to shut the fucking street down for five minutes. And then they lift it up. They hoist it. And I have video of it going up.
I don't know if I have it on my phone, but I have video of it being hoisted up. And it literally takes 10 seconds.
I don't know if I have it on my phone, but I have video of it being hoisted up. And it literally takes 10 seconds.
And it's on top of they drop it.
And it's on top of they drop it.
And then they're gone.
And then they're gone.
And then the old, because there's no other way to get a jacuzzi into a place. The next one, and the old one, they just break up with hammers and saws and take down by pieces. How long ago did you do this? 2017 or 16. You had to have told us that. That's insane. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I did.
And then the old, because there's no other way to get a jacuzzi into a place. The next one, and the old one, they just break up with hammers and saws and take down by pieces. How long ago did you do this? 2017 or 16. You had to have told us that. That's insane. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I did.
Yeah, I think that was one of our first public events was Bird's Cruise. We get along great. Traveling is pretty easy.
Yeah, I think that was one of our first public events was Bird's Cruise. We get along great. Traveling is pretty easy.
No, no, you did not. I would hear stories of you would have all barbecue or something of some kind.
No, no, you did not. I would hear stories of you would have all barbecue or something of some kind.
I've only had a couple. I'm not very social. Do you guys have had a barbecue?
I've only had a couple. I'm not very social. Do you guys have had a barbecue?
Not, I mean, for myself I can, and it sucks. But there would be stories of you having these parties, and I would hear by, like, third hand, like, you got to see the deck on this place.
Not, I mean, for myself I can, and it sucks. But there would be stories of you having these parties, and I would hear by, like, third hand, like, you got to see the deck on this place.
I would love to have had you guys.
I would love to have had you guys.
We weren't successful yet, Jim.
We weren't successful yet, Jim.
I still do an open mic. I might have bartended at it or something. In fairness, I did one of these in August.
I still do an open mic. I might have bartended at it or something. In fairness, I did one of these in August.
And I would love you to have come. I don't know why I didn't. I probably just forgot.
And I would love you to have come. I don't know why I didn't. I probably just forgot.
Tiny. We're so stupid. We wanted a Cavapoo. And we thought it was a Cavapoo. It's a Yorkie. But it's fine because it's hypoallergenic. Okay. And it's just, we've only had it two weeks. So it's a little, you know, it's shitting and pissing on pads. And we have, we just, we took it.
Tiny. We're so stupid. We wanted a Cavapoo. And we thought it was a Cavapoo. It's a Yorkie. But it's fine because it's hypoallergenic. Okay. And it's just, we've only had it two weeks. So it's a little, you know, it's shitting and pissing on pads. And we have, we just, we took it.
I have a feeling you are too. It's much easier.
I have a feeling you are too. It's much easier.
I just keep eye contact with her to make sure she's not stealing my money.
I just keep eye contact with her to make sure she's not stealing my money.
and on your wallet and uh we brought we brought him uh we brought the dog on the terrace and uh it's so scared of being outside so we finally found treats that it likes because the other dog treats had hated i don't know what kind of treats we got it but my friend sent me some that this thing loves so now we're just getting to walk on the terrace okay needs its vaccinations there's a vet at my place as i do this
and on your wallet and uh we brought we brought him uh we brought the dog on the terrace and uh it's so scared of being outside so we finally found treats that it likes because the other dog treats had hated i don't know what kind of treats we got it but my friend sent me some that this thing loves so now we're just getting to walk on the terrace okay needs its vaccinations there's a vet at my place as i do this
She won't come to one-nighters. If I do one night in Boston, one night in New Hampshire, she's not coming.
She won't come to one-nighters. If I do one night in Boston, one night in New Hampshire, she's not coming.
We found a vet that does house calls. And so the vet is coming to make sure it's up to date on vaccinations. Yeah. And so my wife is dealing with the vet right now. Juliet Terraces have vets making house calls. The Juliet Terraces night. It's good for one person if you want to just sit out there and take a glance at the city. Sure. You know, and relax.
We found a vet that does house calls. And so the vet is coming to make sure it's up to date on vaccinations. Yeah. And so my wife is dealing with the vet right now. Juliet Terraces have vets making house calls. The Juliet Terraces night. It's good for one person if you want to just sit out there and take a glance at the city. Sure. You know, and relax.
I mean, I don't think the word Terrace has been said this much on fucking any episode. Terrace is a great word. Okay. How big do you say the Terrace is? I've heard it was big. It's a good size. I heard it turns. Is that true? It's a wrap, a little bit of a wraparound. Got the corner, dog.
I mean, I don't think the word Terrace has been said this much on fucking any episode. Terrace is a great word. Okay. How big do you say the Terrace is? I've heard it was big. It's a good size. I heard it turns. Is that true? It's a wrap, a little bit of a wraparound. Got the corner, dog.
Right. You set up somewhere for a weekend.
Right. You set up somewhere for a weekend.
Yeah. I have a camera. I could show you it, but it's not impressive. You could just see the size of it. Sure.
Yeah. I have a camera. I could show you it, but it's not impressive. You could just see the size of it. Sure.
I mean, Terrace, New York City.
I mean, Terrace, New York City.
Yeah. I wanted outdoor space. That's why I moved where I was. I was in a Trump building on the Upper West, which I loved. I mean, the building is the best maintenance of any building.
Yeah. I wanted outdoor space. That's why I moved where I was. I was in a Trump building on the Upper West, which I loved. I mean, the building is the best maintenance of any building.
Yeah, if I'm like, hey, I'm going to L.A., then, of course, she wants to go. She wants to act like she belongs.
Yeah, if I'm like, hey, I'm going to L.A., then, of course, she wants to go. She wants to act like she belongs.
Those buildings are beautiful. Fucking great.
Those buildings are beautiful. Fucking great.
I was on 70th and Riverside.
I was on 70th and Riverside.
Yeah, that whole little village.
Yeah, that whole little village.
I love it up there. I love it, love it, love it. But I couldn't have afforded an outdoor space in that. No, no, no. It would have been crazy. So I started looking on the rest of the city.
I love it up there. I love it, love it, love it. But I couldn't have afforded an outdoor space in that. No, no, no. It would have been crazy. So I started looking on the rest of the city.
What year did you start making money?
What year did you start making money?
I started making money. Get down a brass tacks. The first money I started making was, I would say, 10 years in. My first contract with Opie and Anthony, they had finally signed me. I was making $50,000 a year to be on the radio. That was $1,000 a week. Back then? I was like, holy fuck.
I started making money. Get down a brass tacks. The first money I started making was, I would say, 10 years in. My first contract with Opie and Anthony, they had finally signed me. I was making $50,000 a year to be on the radio. That was $1,000 a week. Back then? I was like, holy fuck.
As a comic, to make $50,000 as a comic in New York and doing comedy adjacent, like living in the comedy world.
As a comic, to make $50,000 as a comic in New York and doing comedy adjacent, like living in the comedy world.
It's really fucking annoying. I do that out there, too. Let's go to Spago over at the Brentwood Market.
It's really fucking annoying. I do that out there, too. Let's go to Spago over at the Brentwood Market.
I still lived in Jersey. I was paying $300 a month rent.
I still lived in Jersey. I was paying $300 a month rent.
Plus the shows, then your probably road shows go up. I was selling out everywhere. Yeah, yeah.
Plus the shows, then your probably road shows go up. I was selling out everywhere. Yeah, yeah.
And they doubled my salary to $100,000. But the show got kicked off the air before the paperwork was signed. So, yeah, I lost that. That was heartbreaking. That was heartbreaking. That was when we got kicked off the radio in 2002. But, yeah, I had just signed to double the money, and the paperwork hadn't gone through yet.
And they doubled my salary to $100,000. But the show got kicked off the air before the paperwork was signed. So, yeah, I lost that. That was heartbreaking. That was heartbreaking. That was when we got kicked off the radio in 2002. But, yeah, I had just signed to double the money, and the paperwork hadn't gone through yet.
Oh, no. This is what white trash I have. I was paying $300 a month. Florentine was my roommate and his girlfriend, so we split a $900 rent three ways, and there was mold on the wall. Have you ever seen that video? It's called Jim Norton Cribs.
Oh, no. This is what white trash I have. I was paying $300 a month. Florentine was my roommate and his girlfriend, so we split a $900 rent three ways, and there was mold on the wall. Have you ever seen that video? It's called Jim Norton Cribs.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Black mold.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Black mold.
It's disgusting. So I'm like, I can afford a place now in New York, so I got a two-year deal. They double my money. And I got a two-year rent for $2,300 a month. So I went from $300 a month to $2,300 a month. Okay. And five months in, we get fired. And I'm fucked. So, like, thank God for Tough Crowd. That really saved me.
It's disgusting. So I'm like, I can afford a place now in New York, so I got a two-year deal. They double my money. And I got a two-year rent for $2,300 a month. So I went from $300 a month to $2,300 a month. Okay. And five months in, we get fired. And I'm fucked. So, like, thank God for Tough Crowd. That really saved me.
We got a dog. We just got a dog. Oh, there you go. I like it. So the travel is great because now she has to stay home with the dog. It's like 10 weeks old, which is awesome. I'm like, I'd love to have you, but I guess I'll have to sit alone and jerk off and eat whatever I want.
We got a dog. We just got a dog. Oh, there you go. I like it. So the travel is great because now she has to stay home with the dog. It's like 10 weeks old, which is awesome. I'm like, I'd love to have you, but I guess I'll have to sit alone and jerk off and eat whatever I want.
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Big supporter of the Garbage Boys.
Big supporter of the Garbage Boys.
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You're paying a light bill, an insurance bill at those places. You're paying for the door, the windows. Get out of here with that.
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No, but I did because I'm financially savvy. There were these escorts that used to accept credit cards, and I would go there and always pay by credit card. And wouldn't you believe it that all of a sudden my credit card numbers got stolen? Fraudulent charges. I had $10,000 on each card. And back then I was making no money, so I had to call the credit card company and
No, but I did because I'm financially savvy. There were these escorts that used to accept credit cards, and I would go there and always pay by credit card. And wouldn't you believe it that all of a sudden my credit card numbers got stolen? Fraudulent charges. I had $10,000 on each card. And back then I was making no money, so I had to call the credit card company and
I love hotels now. I love hotels.
I love hotels now. I love hotels.
And they're like, where did you spend it? And I'm like, on a prostitute. I told them.
And they're like, where did you spend it? And I'm like, on a prostitute. I told them.
I don't care. This is not my charges. $10,000 on each card.
I don't care. This is not my charges. $10,000 on each card.
That took me two years to straighten out. Fucking worst.
That took me two years to straighten out. Fucking worst.
Oh, shit. That's like how they remember.
Oh, shit. That's like how they remember.
I'm going to put that down as a yes. Yeah. They didn't actually cut it up. Sure. Yeah. You ever have a fucking credit card jizzed on and the number stolen? All right.
I'm going to put that down as a yes. Yeah. They didn't actually cut it up. Sure. Yeah. You ever have a fucking credit card jizzed on and the number stolen? All right.
Has that switched? You were probably over hotels. You've been working for a long time, so it's like now you're a little refreshed, a little rejuvenation.
Has that switched? You were probably over hotels. You've been working for a long time, so it's like now you're a little refreshed, a little rejuvenation.
Same, same. Oh. Oh, God. Do you put your shirt on then deodorant or deodorant then the shirt? Great question.
Same, same. Oh. Oh, God. Do you put your shirt on then deodorant or deodorant then the shirt? Great question.
I would say this morning because I did think of that today after the gym. I usually go home and shower, but I was coming here. So I showered at the gym and I put my deodorant on first and then my shirt. But I don't like doing that because a lot of times, as you know, you pull it down and get that foot on the side.
I would say this morning because I did think of that today after the gym. I usually go home and shower, but I was coming here. So I showered at the gym and I put my deodorant on first and then my shirt. But I don't like doing that because a lot of times, as you know, you pull it down and get that foot on the side.
That's fatter guy. That's bigger body stuff.
That's fatter guy. That's bigger body stuff.
Sometimes after a shower, your shirt sticks to you because there's a sheen on your body. So what I like to do is I have to hold it out and then wrap it around and lower it.
Sometimes after a shower, your shirt sticks to you because there's a sheen on your body. So what I like to do is I have to hold it out and then wrap it around and lower it.
This guy's good. What's the shower like at the gym? Single or is it like a big stall with a couple of guys?
This guy's good. What's the shower like at the gym? Single or is it like a big stall with a couple of guys?
It's not hedonism. The ripping and the tearing.
It's not hedonism. The ripping and the tearing.
Yeah. No, it's a bunch of individual showers with like a plastic shower. Because there's so many guys going in and out. I very rarely shower there. I usually go home, but like I said, today I had to. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. No, it's a bunch of individual showers with like a plastic shower. Because there's so many guys going in and out. I very rarely shower there. I usually go home, but like I said, today I had to. Mm-hmm.
I love it. But I would always have escorts come over, and I was a complete creep on the road. But now it's just like I'll go to escort sites. They're going to say room service. I'll look at what I could do. You do that?
I love it. But I would always have escorts come over, and I was a complete creep on the road. But now it's just like I'll go to escort sites. They're going to say room service. I'll look at what I could do. You do that?
I'd be giving you a glass or a cup. Would it be a bottle?
I'd be giving you a glass or a cup. Would it be a bottle?
It would be out of the zero water filter. We have something called a zero water filter. Reverse osmosis? What's that?
It would be out of the zero water filter. We have something called a zero water filter. Reverse osmosis? What's that?
No, this one takes all the all the metals and stuff out of it. OK. And there's a little thermometer on it where you can measure. Like if you put it in water and hit the button, it tells you like it gives you a number like 41. Like that's how many metal per million. And then you do it with zero water and you put the thermometer and it's zero. So it takes out a lot of stuff.
No, this one takes all the all the metals and stuff out of it. OK. And there's a little thermometer on it where you can measure. Like if you put it in water and hit the button, it tells you like it gives you a number like 41. Like that's how many metal per million. And then you do it with zero water and you put the thermometer and it's zero. So it takes out a lot of stuff.
What's the cost on a zero there?
What's the cost on a zero there?
No, it's a big one with two filters in it. Standalone.
No, it's a big one with two filters in it. Standalone.
It's a standalone.
It's a standalone.
I think that is reverse osmosis.
I think that is reverse osmosis.
Is that what that is? I don't know. Could be.
Is that what that is? I don't know. Could be.
He also went to New Brunswick High School.
He also went to New Brunswick High School.
No, New Brunswick was kind of the hood high school.
No, New Brunswick was kind of the hood high school.
The ice cubes are made by the refrigerator. But I do think it goes through a filter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to be happy to get you some. It's not as bad as tap water, but it's not as good as zero water. Freezer in the bottom? Two freezers. Two? Excuse me? Yeah, it's a Sub-Zero. You open a nice fridge, and then freezer number one, and then freezer number two.
The ice cubes are made by the refrigerator. But I do think it goes through a filter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to be happy to get you some. It's not as bad as tap water, but it's not as good as zero water. Freezer in the bottom? Two freezers. Two? Excuse me? Yeah, it's a Sub-Zero. You open a nice fridge, and then freezer number one, and then freezer number two.
Yeah, it's a good fridge. I wanted a good fridge. What was the honeymoon? Did you do a honeymoon? No. We got married because she came into the country, so we got married within 90 days.
Yeah, it's a good fridge. I wanted a good fridge. What was the honeymoon? Did you do a honeymoon? No. We got married because she came into the country, so we got married within 90 days.
Did the same thing.
Did the same thing.
Yeah, no honeymoon yet. We just travel whenever we want.
Yeah, no honeymoon yet. We just travel whenever we want.
You'll go browse the inventory, kick a couple tires?
You'll go browse the inventory, kick a couple tires?
Not often, but if I'm going to sleep, there are times I have done that. She does it more than me because she's been sleeping in the living room because of the puppy, which is great because that's just me alone with a sock in my bedroom finally having some alone time. It's like you're on the road again. But, yeah, once in a while I will.
Not often, but if I'm going to sleep, there are times I have done that. She does it more than me because she's been sleeping in the living room because of the puppy, which is great because that's just me alone with a sock in my bedroom finally having some alone time. It's like you're on the road again. But, yeah, once in a while I will.
My couch is really big and it's like a cloud couch, so you can get comfortable on it.
My couch is really big and it's like a cloud couch, so you can get comfortable on it.
No, but I used to bring one when I was opening for Dice in 97. My first gigs I would bring a pillow in my checked luggage like a total rookie. What? But now I wouldn't because I'm so scared of bed bugs. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed bugs on my pillow. So, no, I don't bring any bedding. Did he know you were checking a pillow in your check luggage? I mean, I don't know. No, I don't think so.
No, but I used to bring one when I was opening for Dice in 97. My first gigs I would bring a pillow in my checked luggage like a total rookie. What? But now I wouldn't because I'm so scared of bed bugs. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed bugs on my pillow. So, no, I don't bring any bedding. Did he know you were checking a pillow in your check luggage? I mean, I don't know. No, I don't think so.
I'll be back in Toledo.
I'll be back in Toledo.
I began doing carry-ons shortly after. Jim, what are you doing?
I began doing carry-ons shortly after. Jim, what are you doing?
Hey, check me out.
Hey, check me out.
This guy's checking bags. Yeah. I would hold the whole crew up.
This guy's checking bags. Yeah. I would hold the whole crew up.
man but you learn fast you learn fast don't check your bag i mean don't check the bag i know i've been there when you brush your teeth will you walk around a little bit or you do it right at the sink i don't move but the psychopath that i'm married to okay brushes her teeth she'll take the toothbrush she walks into the bedroom she'll lay on the bed on her back with her feet up in the air
man but you learn fast you learn fast don't check your bag i mean don't check the bag i know i've been there when you brush your teeth will you walk around a little bit or you do it right at the sink i don't move but the psychopath that i'm married to okay brushes her teeth she'll take the toothbrush she walks into the bedroom she'll lay on the bed on her back with her feet up in the air
Yeah, you just look, but I don't do it.
Yeah, you just look, but I don't do it.
Like in baby position. It's the most batshit crazy thing. I don't know. I'd like to ask every uncle she has. There's a reason. I don't know what it is. But she literally lays on her back and like brushes her teeth like that with her feet up in the air bent. Like a cat getting petted or a dog getting petted. Me, I stand there. I let your toothbrush. I stand there. I don't move.
Like in baby position. It's the most batshit crazy thing. I don't know. I'd like to ask every uncle she has. There's a reason. I don't know what it is. But she literally lays on her back and like brushes her teeth like that with her feet up in the air bent. Like a cat getting petted or a dog getting petted. Me, I stand there. I let your toothbrush. I stand there. I don't move.
It's nice to have your time alone in a hotel. Sure. Do you like a nice hotel? I am a gentleman's accommodation snob.
It's nice to have your time alone in a hotel. Sure. Do you like a nice hotel? I am a gentleman's accommodation snob.
I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my own sink.
I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my own sink.
I do. I floss most days. Once in a while, I forget, but we have a lot of floss there, and I do get complimented on my gums by the dentist. Are we good? Thank you, yes. Will you swim at a hotel pool? Sure, I don't care. Absolutely. I mean, I went to Brazil and fucked without condoms.
I do. I floss most days. Once in a while, I forget, but we have a lot of floss there, and I do get complimented on my gums by the dentist. Are we good? Thank you, yes. Will you swim at a hotel pool? Sure, I don't care. Absolutely. I mean, I went to Brazil and fucked without condoms.
I'm not scared of a hotel pool. It wasn't more of the germs. It was, do you enjoy it? Oh. Do you enjoy it as much as Brazil?
I'm not scared of a hotel pool. It wasn't more of the germs. It was, do you enjoy it? Oh. Do you enjoy it as much as Brazil?
So, yeah, when I'm in my swimming things, I'll do it, sure. But my exercise has gotten, I work out a few days a week, but I haven't been exercising with cardio. I don't know. I would if I was back to doing that.
So, yeah, when I'm in my swimming things, I'll do it, sure. But my exercise has gotten, I work out a few days a week, but I haven't been exercising with cardio. I don't know. I would if I was back to doing that.
That gym, yeah, always wear.
That gym, yeah, always wear.
Now, where's that? Did you bring the flip-flops with you? You got a locker there.
Now, where's that? Did you bring the flip-flops with you? You got a locker there.
I have them with me. I travel with them. I bring a bag with me, and I bring it to radio in the morning, and then I write to the gym after.
I have them with me. I travel with them. I bring a bag with me, and I bring it to radio in the morning, and then I write to the gym after.
Oh, no, I did. You know what? I don't want to get icky toes.
Oh, no, I did. You know what? I don't want to get icky toes.
It really is. I can stay. It's fine. It's fine. I had a cat again.
It really is. I can stay. It's fine. It's fine. I had a cat again.
Mr. Norton, you have icky toes.
Mr. Norton, you have icky toes.
We also just did, we were in D.C. with you. Gentleman's accommodation. That's a great, that is a great term.
We also just did, we were in D.C. with you. Gentleman's accommodation. That's a great, that is a great term.
Yeah, we did. They gave you what they call a Terminus in the whorehouse in Brazil called the Monte Carlo. That's the nicest name I've ever heard. See if we can get eyes on that. So fancy. Yeah, I was in there with Patrice, and we were wearing our flip-flops. We went every day. Me and Keith were doing 100-milligram Viagras and then just going to this place.
Yeah, we did. They gave you what they call a Terminus in the whorehouse in Brazil called the Monte Carlo. That's the nicest name I've ever heard. See if we can get eyes on that. So fancy. Yeah, I was in there with Patrice, and we were wearing our flip-flops. We went every day. Me and Keith were doing 100-milligram Viagras and then just going to this place.
100-milligram Viagras all over the counter in Brazil.
100-milligram Viagras all over the counter in Brazil.
That's why you had to stroke.
That's why you had to stroke.
I was just thinking that as I said it.
I was just thinking that as I said it.
That's too much by accident.
That's too much by accident.
How about checking out the sights or going to Fogarty Chowards? Well, we did that one night. We would see the sights in the taxi on the way. A hundred milligrams a night and just going be three, four girls a night. It was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah.
How about checking out the sights or going to Fogarty Chowards? Well, we did that one night. We would see the sights in the taxi on the way. A hundred milligrams a night and just going be three, four girls a night. It was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah.
There was another one too. I forget what it was called, but the Monte Carlo, there was cops going there. Like it was, there was security. I mean, you had a locker, there was no cash exchange. Like they had a whole system.
There was another one too. I forget what it was called, but the Monte Carlo, there was cops going there. Like it was, there was security. I mean, you had a locker, there was no cash exchange. Like they had a whole system.
Me too. Actually, I had a residency there. I thought it was Monte Cristo. I was looking for a sandwich.
Me too. Actually, I had a residency there. I thought it was Monte Cristo. I was looking for a sandwich.
Fuck me. It was fun. Okay.
Fuck me. It was fun. Okay.
And the beef Wellington, please. Man, that poor escort. He's getting somebody after a beef Wellington. I'm a little sleepy. We were in D.C., and you remember he maneuvered? We were shocked. We were like, what the fuck? You showed up. You had already checked in. Adam Ray's show. You got there the night before, I think. You did the hotel the night before, and then you show up to the venue.
And the beef Wellington, please. Man, that poor escort. He's getting somebody after a beef Wellington. I'm a little sleepy. We were in D.C., and you remember he maneuvered? We were shocked. We were like, what the fuck? You showed up. You had already checked in. Adam Ray's show. You got there the night before, I think. You did the hotel the night before, and then you show up to the venue.
A lot of fish, right?
A lot of fish, right?
Yeah, and it's not good, but she's a good cook when she wants to. If it's something she likes, something she can eat, she cooks. Me, not at all.
Yeah, and it's not good, but she's a good cook when she wants to. If it's something she likes, something she can eat, she cooks. Me, not at all.
So you're doing takeout?
So you're doing takeout?
Are you going out? Yeah, I order these meals, like these Whole30 meals. It's a diet that I do. Okay. So twice a week, these pre-made meals come in. We got this great egg. It's like an egg grill outside.
Are you going out? Yeah, I order these meals, like these Whole30 meals. It's a diet that I do. Okay. So twice a week, these pre-made meals come in. We got this great egg. It's like an egg grill outside.
And I just don't use it. I have a little Weber I want to throw out and then use this one, but I'm so bad at getting started. Did you say Green John? John, yeah.
And I just don't use it. I have a little Weber I want to throw out and then use this one, but I'm so bad at getting started. Did you say Green John? John, yeah.
I got to learn to cook on him.
I got to learn to cook on him.
What's today? Today's usually I'll go home. We'll see what the dog's up to with the vet, and I will do... We have dinner planned tonight. Very nice. A nice dinner.
What's today? Today's usually I'll go home. We'll see what the dog's up to with the vet, and I will do... We have dinner planned tonight. Very nice. A nice dinner.
With just you two or another couple?
With just you two or another couple?
No, we got invited to Rouse, that place in... Rayo.
No, we got invited to Rouse, that place in... Rayo.
You're going to Rayo's tonight? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Jim Norton? Jesus Christ. I've never been there. My friend knows somebody who has a table there. Everyone says it's amazing.
You're going to Rayo's tonight? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Jim Norton? Jesus Christ. I've never been there. My friend knows somebody who has a table there. Everyone says it's amazing.
Yeah. Have you been? No. Can't even get to fucking Applebee's in Midtown.
Yeah. Have you been? No. Can't even get to fucking Applebee's in Midtown.
I wish I had gone last night so I could come in and discuss what a wonderful meal.
I wish I had gone last night so I could come in and discuss what a wonderful meal.
Throw that in our face.
Throw that in our face.
But we're looking forward to that, and then tomorrow I'll just do spots. Wow, there you go. Rayos. Rayos, that's a fucking. I know. You had to accept.
But we're looking forward to that, and then tomorrow I'll just do spots. Wow, there you go. Rayos. Rayos, that's a fucking. I know. You had to accept.
I think so. Unbelievable.
I think so. Unbelievable.
You think I've really upped my game? What are you talking about?
You think I've really upped my game? What are you talking about?
I do have a decent car, but my lease is up in February. I don't know if this will knock me back down to the trash bin, but my lease is up in February, and I'm probably going to get a much cheaper car because it's a waste of money. Sure.
I do have a decent car, but my lease is up in February. I don't know if this will knock me back down to the trash bin, but my lease is up in February, and I'm probably going to get a much cheaper car because it's a waste of money. Sure.
What are you going to get, you think? What are you eyeing up? You got a Mercedes now, right?
What are you going to get, you think? What are you eyeing up? You got a Mercedes now, right?
No, no. Right now, I have a BMW X6. I had a Mercedes last time, but X6 I lease, and the garage is expensive, so I want to get a cheaper garage. I don't drive enough. Garage in the building? No, unfortunately, no. The old, they don't have one. My old, and on the block, it closes at midnight. I don't want a fucking curfew in my car.
No, no. Right now, I have a BMW X6. I had a Mercedes last time, but X6 I lease, and the garage is expensive, so I want to get a cheaper garage. I don't drive enough. Garage in the building? No, unfortunately, no. The old, they don't have one. My old, and on the block, it closes at midnight. I don't want a fucking curfew in my car.
I got to get home. Yeah. My garage guy is going to be pissed.
I got to get home. Yeah. My garage guy is going to be pissed.
So I got to go like three blocks and then park it and then walk home.
So I got to go like three blocks and then park it and then walk home.
Where have you been? So, yeah, that's a garage in the building. I had that in the Trump building, which was, I mean, you can't do better than that.
Where have you been? So, yeah, that's a garage in the building. I had that in the Trump building, which was, I mean, you can't do better than that.
Yeah, that's, I mean, that's the epitome of making it. You got a fucking garage in a building in Manhattan.
Yeah, that's, I mean, that's the epitome of making it. You got a fucking garage in a building in Manhattan.
He would walk up and stand at the end of the hall while security did it, just so they couldn't mess around in the building.
He would walk up and stand at the end of the hall while security did it, just so they couldn't mess around in the building.
Bruce Willis used to live in the building.
Bruce Willis used to live in the building.
Steven Tyler. Yeah, there was some good residents.
Steven Tyler. Yeah, there was some good residents.
Did you ever see them?
Did you ever see them?
I saw Bruce Willis once or twice, and then I shot a scene with him in that Kevin Smith movie called...
I saw Bruce Willis once or twice, and then I shot a scene with him in that Kevin Smith movie called...
cop out okay or yes I had one scene with Bruce and he was people everyone said he was very difficult and Kevin didn't like him uh but I had a good moment with him uh because I told him oh yeah we live at two and so when he knew that we were in the same building he was very nice to me it was like oh you're yeah you don't want to be a dick to a guy you're gonna see in the fucking you know mailbox yeah yeah gotta get your taco bell delivered yeah yeah
cop out okay or yes I had one scene with Bruce and he was people everyone said he was very difficult and Kevin didn't like him uh but I had a good moment with him uh because I told him oh yeah we live at two and so when he knew that we were in the same building he was very nice to me it was like oh you're yeah you don't want to be a dick to a guy you're gonna see in the fucking you know mailbox yeah yeah gotta get your taco bell delivered yeah yeah
All right. I mean, I was not expecting this. You're very meticulous, very well thought out.
All right. I mean, I was not expecting this. You're very meticulous, very well thought out.
You got your luggage. You pulled your car right in the garage. Yep. Like a hitman. And then he's like, he gets off stage. He goes, all right, I'll see you guys later.
You got your luggage. You pulled your car right in the garage. Yep. Like a hitman. And then he's like, he gets off stage. He goes, all right, I'll see you guys later.
Well, you do socks and then pants or pants and then socks?
Well, you do socks and then pants or pants and then socks?
Socks first because I don't like to have to roll up the bottom part of my trouser.
Socks first because I don't like to have to roll up the bottom part of my trouser.
I don't want to wrinkle the bottom of my trouser putting on a sock.
I don't want to wrinkle the bottom of my trouser putting on a sock.
Straight nude. Totally nude. Unless I am on the road, I hate boutique hotels. I hate a boutique hotel.
Straight nude. Totally nude. Unless I am on the road, I hate boutique hotels. I hate a boutique hotel.
What's the chain you like?
What's the chain you like?
Marriott. Marriott because the bedding is comfy and cool and great, and it's like they don't overdo it with starch. This guy's doing starch now. I hate these places because the sheets are itchy, so I'll wear a T-shirt. I have very soft skin. Okay.
Marriott. Marriott because the bedding is comfy and cool and great, and it's like they don't overdo it with starch. This guy's doing starch now. I hate these places because the sheets are itchy, so I'll wear a T-shirt. I have very soft skin. Okay.
Don't be shy Get in on that That's soft Like a puppy's belly So I get itchy very easy So I like to have a nice A nice soft sheet The Marriott chains Anything that's Marriott I'll stay in boutique hotels I'll take a courtyard Marriott any day
Don't be shy Get in on that That's soft Like a puppy's belly So I get itchy very easy So I like to have a nice A nice soft sheet The Marriott chains Anything that's Marriott I'll stay in boutique hotels I'll take a courtyard Marriott any day
What's a boutique? What do you say? Like an Aloft or something like that? No, like the Johnson, the downtown Cleveland or whatever.
What's a boutique? What do you say? Like an Aloft or something like that? No, like the Johnson, the downtown Cleveland or whatever.
Right back to New York. I had an execution in front of the Hilton. Took the rubber gloves off and walked out the door.
Right back to New York. I had an execution in front of the Hilton. Took the rubber gloves off and walked out the door.
A weird name, like, you know, the St. Marie.
A weird name, like, you know, the St. Marie.
No, I don't mind that.
No, I don't mind that.
Like at the Tommy? Oh, no. So, like, some of these real small, new, cool, hipper things are, like... The whole bathroom is kind of tiled. Yeah. And then the toilet is kind of in the shower. And the sink's outside of the door.
Like at the Tommy? Oh, no. So, like, some of these real small, new, cool, hipper things are, like... The whole bathroom is kind of tiled. Yeah. And then the toilet is kind of in the shower. And the sink's outside of the door.
I've never seen that.
I've never seen that.
Yeah. He's not slumming it. Here's what I don't like.
Yeah. He's not slumming it. Here's what I don't like.
Here's the boutique hotel.
Here's the boutique hotel.
He's staying at the Thompson when he goes down to Austin. He ain't staying at the Tommy.
He's staying at the Thompson when he goes down to Austin. He ain't staying at the Tommy.
I know, but the Four Seasons is where you want to stay in Austin. We did once on points, and they knew we didn't belong.
I know, but the Four Seasons is where you want to stay in Austin. We did once on points, and they knew we didn't belong.
We shared a room.
We shared a room.
When you open and close, like a boutique hotel giveaway is they have those barn doors that slide along tracks to open and close.
When you open and close, like a boutique hotel giveaway is they have those barn doors that slide along tracks to open and close.
Yes, I hate it. Okay.
Yes, I hate it. Okay.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
A lot of times there's hardwood floors and not carpets. I hate them so much.
A lot of times there's hardwood floors and not carpets. I hate them so much.
Do you have any... Look at Luke. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, they're the worst. He's a fucking rich kid. He's loving this. Travels around on my dime. Jim Norton.
Do you have any... Look at Luke. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, they're the worst. He's a fucking rich kid. He's loving this. Travels around on my dime. Jim Norton.
An RC is where I'd prefer to stay.
An RC is where I'd prefer to stay.
Oh, Ritz-Carlton. Of course. Very nice.
Oh, Ritz-Carlton. Of course. Very nice.
I'm a weird traveler, man. I like to get there the night before. I don't like to drive or fly when I get a gig because I get nauseous and tired.
I'm a weird traveler, man. I like to get there the night before. I don't like to drive or fly when I get a gig because I get nauseous and tired.
You know, I've stayed in only like one or two hotels ever in New York. I've been in a lot of them.
You know, I've stayed in only like one or two hotels ever in New York. I've been in a lot of them.
Yeah, someone's back in town. Got to go say hello. But no, I don't know if I've... Maybe once or twice I've stayed in a hotel in New York. I can't... The best hotel I've ever stayed at, probably the Bel Air in... It's not... It's just a comfortable, perfect hotel in Bel Air. I've stayed there once. My wife and I... I got invited to Sharon Osbourne's birthday party a few years ago.
Yeah, someone's back in town. Got to go say hello. But no, I don't know if I've... Maybe once or twice I've stayed in a hotel in New York. I can't... The best hotel I've ever stayed at, probably the Bel Air in... It's not... It's just a comfortable, perfect hotel in Bel Air. I've stayed there once. My wife and I... I got invited to Sharon Osbourne's birthday party a few years ago.
I'm like, let's make this... You have such a... Wild just history. It was such a great life. You're talking about forklifts 20 minutes ago. I don't want to be back on that ramp. The wood was rotted. So I'm there with Sharon Osbourne.
I'm like, let's make this... You have such a... Wild just history. It was such a great life. You're talking about forklifts 20 minutes ago. I don't want to be back on that ramp. The wood was rotted. So I'm there with Sharon Osbourne.
But I'm saying that because it was such a special thing. I'm like, let's get a great hotel. Do it up. Let's have a great weekend in L.A. So we stayed there for like three days. It's unbelievable. I mean, well worth it. You like a hotel breakfast? I do. I confess. I like a nice... You got me. I am guilty as charged. I like a fine hotel breakfast.
But I'm saying that because it was such a special thing. I'm like, let's get a great hotel. Do it up. Let's have a great weekend in L.A. So we stayed there for like three days. It's unbelievable. I mean, well worth it. You like a hotel breakfast? I do. I confess. I like a nice... You got me. I am guilty as charged. I like a fine hotel breakfast.
I do, and they bring in the little treats. I mean, who am I to say no? Well, you do room service. Oh, yeah, I will. I like a nice 24-hour room service.
I do, and they bring in the little treats. I mean, who am I to say no? Well, you do room service. Oh, yeah, I will. I like a nice 24-hour room service.
Even flight gigs, you get out there the night before?
Even flight gigs, you get out there the night before?
The Ritz has that.
The Ritz has that.
Sure. I was just in Chicago. I stayed at the Trump Hotel. Nice.
Sure. I was just in Chicago. I stayed at the Trump Hotel. Nice.
Where'd you stay when we were in D.C. ?
Where'd you stay when we were in D.C. ?
When I was in D.C., I stayed... It was in a Marriott property that they were paying for, but it was a very nice hotel. Like, it was a... You know, like, there was a mall attached to it, Starbucks. I mean, it had everything. I'm not crazy like that. Like, I'll stay in a nice... Just a nice Marriott's all I need.
When I was in D.C., I stayed... It was in a Marriott property that they were paying for, but it was a very nice hotel. Like, it was a... You know, like, there was a mall attached to it, Starbucks. I mean, it had everything. I'm not crazy like that. Like, I'll stay in a nice... Just a nice Marriott's all I need.
Always. Really? You're not stressed. You don't have to take your Dramamine and be loopy on stage. I get it. I like to drive late the night before. Four-hour ride. Sleep in. I really do.
Always. Really? You're not stressed. You don't have to take your Dramamine and be loopy on stage. I get it. I like to drive late the night before. Four-hour ride. Sleep in. I really do.
Well, I mean, we'll... jump up to a nicer one when we have the points and it's just me and him because we travel with like a team when we go on the road. So it's usually our anniversary or something. Yeah. If I know he's going to put out, we'll we'll use points to upgrade to something nice. Do you have any any tips or tricks or things, hacks that you do when you get into a hotel?
Well, I mean, we'll... jump up to a nicer one when we have the points and it's just me and him because we travel with like a team when we go on the road. So it's usually our anniversary or something. Yeah. If I know he's going to put out, we'll we'll use points to upgrade to something nice. Do you have any any tips or tricks or things, hacks that you do when you get into a hotel?
Like I close the windows, you know, like seal the the blinds or anything, any anything you do to set up to get how you like it? Here's what I do.
Like I close the windows, you know, like seal the the blinds or anything, any anything you do to set up to get how you like it? Here's what I do.
It's not glamorous. I take the thing for the luggage out of the closet and I put my luggage on that never on the bed because I'm paranoid about bed bugs and I take all my clothes out and I'll maybe put them on top of the dresser I don't fuck with the drawers or I'll actually leave them in the suitcase I'm very white trashy in a hotel but it's purely a bed bugs issue
It's not glamorous. I take the thing for the luggage out of the closet and I put my luggage on that never on the bed because I'm paranoid about bed bugs and I take all my clothes out and I'll maybe put them on top of the dresser I don't fuck with the drawers or I'll actually leave them in the suitcase I'm very white trashy in a hotel but it's purely a bed bugs issue
Well, I mean, I've never used that thing. I go right on the other bed. Or even the desk. I'll put my luggage on the desk. Never.
Well, I mean, I've never used that thing. I go right on the other bed. Or even the desk. I'll put my luggage on the desk. Never.
I would never put my luggage on a desk, maybe, yes, but not the bed. I did stay recently in a fine hotel. And I use the drawers. In certain places, I'm like, you're probably okay.
I would never put my luggage on a desk, maybe, yes, but not the bed. I did stay recently in a fine hotel. And I use the drawers. In certain places, I'm like, you're probably okay.
Really getting fancy gym today. He really is, man.
Really getting fancy gym today. He really is, man.
Yeah, this is snooty, nose-in-the-air gym. I like it. Fresh from the gymnasium.
Yeah, this is snooty, nose-in-the-air gym. I like it. Fresh from the gymnasium.
Flex that muscle, baby.
Flex that muscle, baby.
But if the hotel is good, I'll use the drawer. I forget the place in L.A. we stayed at that was really nice. When a hotel wants to rope you in, a lot of times they'll upgrade you the first time you're there. We've never had that.
But if the hotel is good, I'll use the drawer. I forget the place in L.A. we stayed at that was really nice. When a hotel wants to rope you in, a lot of times they'll upgrade you the first time you're there. We've never had that.
They do not want us coming back. I'm an ice machine guy. Where's those vending machines, dawg?
They do not want us coming back. I'm an ice machine guy. Where's those vending machines, dawg?
Yeah, no, I like when I walk into the lobby, I like when they go, welcome, Mr. Norton. Like, I like that. I'm a piece of shit.
Yeah, no, I like when I walk into the lobby, I like when they go, welcome, Mr. Norton. Like, I like that. I'm a piece of shit.
Yeah, yeah, yes. I want all borderline worship from the staff.
Yeah, yeah, yes. I want all borderline worship from the staff.
No, but I did marry a hotel thief. I married a thief. We have stuff from hotels all over the world. A book that was in like the fucking some Italy hotel. What are you doing? You stole a book? She stole a book. I didn't.
No, but I did marry a hotel thief. I married a thief. We have stuff from hotels all over the world. A book that was in like the fucking some Italy hotel. What are you doing? You stole a book? She stole a book. I didn't.
You guys are Bonnie and Clyde. You're rolling together, dog. I don't know what to tell you.
You guys are Bonnie and Clyde. You're rolling together, dog. I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah, but I don't know it's there until we actually walk in the house. I'm like, what the fuck is this? She's like, oh, I got it from the hotel.
Yeah, but I don't know it's there until we actually walk in the house. I'm like, what the fuck is this? She's like, oh, I got it from the hotel.
All time. The comeback of all comebacks. All time turnaround.
All time. The comeback of all comebacks. All time turnaround.
Yes, I appreciate that. It makes me feel like I've been working hard since the last time, and I felt like I presented myself as absolute garbage juice. Yeah. Like that cuck that collects at the bottom of the bag. Sure. And I said I wanted to turn it around, and I wanted to, you know.
Yes, I appreciate that. It makes me feel like I've been working hard since the last time, and I felt like I presented myself as absolute garbage juice. Yeah. Like that cuck that collects at the bottom of the bag. Sure. And I said I wanted to turn it around, and I wanted to, you know.
We're not stopping. Nobody in the car? Not at all. That's because I took the passenger seat out, you know, as old Teddy B did.
We're not stopping. Nobody in the car? Not at all. That's because I took the passenger seat out, you know, as old Teddy B did.
Wouldn't be anything fancy. It's simply something that's good in the snow and the rain. Four-wheel drive. Sensible car. A Jeep, maybe? Maybe. Something a lot less expensive. An Audi. Maybe. Depends on the price because my contract is up. So, again, we have to be.
Wouldn't be anything fancy. It's simply something that's good in the snow and the rain. Four-wheel drive. Sensible car. A Jeep, maybe? Maybe. Something a lot less expensive. An Audi. Maybe. Depends on the price because my contract is up. So, again, we have to be.
Maybe not a RAV4.
Maybe not a RAV4.
No, no, no. I understand that. But, like, again, a lot of times the fancier people have very smart vehicles, very economical. I've just noticed that a lot of the times the best people have a very average car because they don't want to showcase their wealth and success.
No, no, no. I understand that. But, like, again, a lot of times the fancier people have very smart vehicles, very economical. I've just noticed that a lot of the times the best people have a very average car because they don't want to showcase their wealth and success.
Now, are you going to go, or do you send the help to go? To get the car? He sends us. It's me and you. I'm testing it for my friend. He's very big. He eats at Rayo's, this guy.
Now, are you going to go, or do you send the help to go? To get the car? He sends us. It's me and you. I'm testing it for my friend. He's very big. He eats at Rayo's, this guy.
I will test it, but when I got a Mercedes, they actually drove it to my house. BMW did not do that. It was in the city, so they're like, well, yeah, we'll be here until 5.
I will test it, but when I got a Mercedes, they actually drove it to my house. BMW did not do that. It was in the city, so they're like, well, yeah, we'll be here until 5.
Come get it, jerk-off.
Come get it, jerk-off.
Yeah, exactly. And don't bring your wife. She should be stealing shit. Yeah, exactly. Leave that fucking thief at home.
Yeah, exactly. And don't bring your wife. She should be stealing shit. Yeah, exactly. Leave that fucking thief at home.
Thank you very much. Anything else you want to... The first time you ever did that, it really threw me off. Goddamn classy. Well, I'm on the road doing gigs. Yeah, where are you at? This is dropping this week, so where are you at? Plug away if you have anything coming up.
Thank you very much. Anything else you want to... The first time you ever did that, it really threw me off. Goddamn classy. Well, I'm on the road doing gigs. Yeah, where are you at? This is dropping this week, so where are you at? Plug away if you have anything coming up.
I mean, I got, before the end of the year, Tarrytown, and I also have Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Then I got Mothership in Austin. I got Laconia, New Hampshire. I got Rhode Island. I got Hollywood. I got... A bunch of places. Seattle, Tampa. You shouldn't have mentioned.
I mean, I got, before the end of the year, Tarrytown, and I also have Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Then I got Mothership in Austin. I got Laconia, New Hampshire. I got Rhode Island. I got Hollywood. I got... A bunch of places. Seattle, Tampa. You shouldn't have mentioned.
Guys, we're off the road for a little bit. New tour dates come in early next year. We fucking love yous, and we'll see you out there. Jim, we love you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Thank you, guys.
Guys, we're off the road for a little bit. New tour dates come in early next year. We fucking love yous, and we'll see you out there. Jim, we love you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Thank you, guys.
Well, I was always hosting. Like, when I first started, for the first 10 years, I was an emcee. So you would, like, pick up comics.
Well, I was always hosting. Like, when I first started, for the first 10 years, I was an emcee. So you would, like, pick up comics.
Could be serial killers. Absolutely. Or criminals. You're just getting whoever got booked that weekend.
Could be serial killers. Absolutely. Or criminals. You're just getting whoever got booked that weekend.
You were hoping they were murderers, so you didn't have to go through with the shit gig in Lancaster.
You were hoping they were murderers, so you didn't have to go through with the shit gig in Lancaster.
I know that club. I hope he just cuts my throat.
I know that club. I hope he just cuts my throat.
You're leaving weapons for him. Yeah, but you would share rooms. That was the worst part. But I also look back on those days. It was fun. You were sitting there. I was so happy to be there. I was so happy to be in the room with a comedian who was talking to me. It was great, man. I love this. I used to do with Bob Levy and Florentine. We would do a gig in Maryland.
You're leaving weapons for him. Yeah, but you would share rooms. That was the worst part. But I also look back on those days. It was fun. You were sitting there. I was so happy to be there. I was so happy to be in the room with a comedian who was talking to me. It was great, man. I love this. I used to do with Bob Levy and Florentine. We would do a gig in Maryland.
$75 for the weekend, $25 a show, no food, no room. So they would let me share the room that they got, and they would pool the money and keep the money. It was great.
$75 for the weekend, $25 a show, no food, no room. So they would let me share the room that they got, and they would pool the money and keep the money. It was great.
It was fun, but Florentine would always fuck a waitress. So it would always be, I would always, oh, me and Jim picked up girls together one time, and it was so embarrassing.
It was fun, but Florentine would always fuck a waitress. So it would always be, I would always, oh, me and Jim picked up girls together one time, and it was so embarrassing.
He was a good-looking guy. He was a good-looking dude. I mean, good-looking guy now, but back in the day, he was...
He was a good-looking guy. He was a good-looking dude. I mean, good-looking guy now, but back in the day, he was...
He was an eight and a half, and he had, Jim had a great rap. I'm a three and a half. He had a good rap? He had a great rap.
He was an eight and a half, and he had, Jim had a great rap. I'm a three and a half. He had a good rap? He had a great rap.
Yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah, what are you doing? And we picked up these two girls, went back to the hotel room, and Jim is pounding like a professional.
Yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah, what are you doing? And we picked up these two girls, went back to the hotel room, and Jim is pounding like a professional.
No, back then, we know. It was a regular small room. And I was wearing all black, and I was dressed like the preacher in the Poltergeist II, and I'm fucking laying there. I love it, girl. What a deep cut. You're all going to die. You're not going to get an erection, Jim. And he was right. I couldn't.
No, back then, we know. It was a regular small room. And I was wearing all black, and I was dressed like the preacher in the Poltergeist II, and I'm fucking laying there. I love it, girl. What a deep cut. You're all going to die. You're not going to get an erection, Jim. And he was right. I couldn't.
It was shriveled in my pants, and I went down on her for about 40 minutes, and she couldn't have an orgasm. And then I finally went back up to my room with her and just made out. It was embarrassing. Jeez. Jesus. Jim Pound, what a professional.
It was shriveled in my pants, and I went down on her for about 40 minutes, and she couldn't have an orgasm. And then I finally went back up to my room with her and just made out. It was embarrassing. Jeez. Jesus. Jim Pound, what a professional.
Dude, I mean, I'm not going to be able to get hard for another week here in that story.
Dude, I mean, I'm not going to be able to get hard for another week here in that story.
He had his face at her neck just... A real man.
He had his face at her neck just... A real man.
What would it take for me and you to hook up with two chicks in the same room?
What would it take for me and you to hook up with two chicks in the same room?
A gun. That was a lot of chicken fingers.
A gun. That was a lot of chicken fingers.
I was going to say an act of God. For us to pull two chicks together?
I was going to say an act of God. For us to pull two chicks together?
You guys got to have groupies, though. Come on. You guys are hilarious. I mean, we're big with welders.
You guys got to have groupies, though. Come on. You guys are hilarious. I mean, we're big with welders.
It's more domesticated, but spotless. No, because she's what they call it. She's like a trad wife, but doesn't want to do housework or anything traditional.
It's more domesticated, but spotless. No, because she's what they call it. She's like a trad wife, but doesn't want to do housework or anything traditional.
OK, she's not a traditional wife. She just wants to lay around and do nothing and smoke pot. That's to her traditional wife. So, yeah, the place she's new age.
OK, she's not a traditional wife. She just wants to lay around and do nothing and smoke pot. That's to her traditional wife. So, yeah, the place she's new age.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir.
No, no, no, no. But she's trying to quit. Like, she goes through these periods where she'll quit. Okay. Which, you know, but then you have to deal with somebody's mood when they quit.
No, no, no, no. But she's trying to quit. Like, she goes through these periods where she'll quit. Okay. Which, you know, but then you have to deal with somebody's mood when they quit.
Yeah, it's never good.
Yeah, it's never good.
She don't like the gummies? No, she doesn't like... They make her too loopy or they make her nauseous or whatever. Mm-hmm. But it sucks, though, because when somebody's smoking pot all the time, they just fall asleep on the couch. Like, you know, and they're passing out, and I go into my, I'm isolated. Get up and mow the lawn.
She don't like the gummies? No, she doesn't like... They make her too loopy or they make her nauseous or whatever. Mm-hmm. But it sucks, though, because when somebody's smoking pot all the time, they just fall asleep on the couch. Like, you know, and they're passing out, and I go into my, I'm isolated. Get up and mow the lawn.
That was the joke.
That was the joke.
Real tree in New York City. What are you dropping on it?
Real tree in New York City. What are you dropping on it?
You got the high ceilings over there. Not that high, though. You got a couple of bucks on you, too.
You got the high ceilings over there. Not that high, though. You got a couple of bucks on you, too.
$350 to $400 for the tree. Throwing that out the window. Out the balcony. I even risked the lawsuit right off the balcony. If it hits a stroller, I'll pay it.
$350 to $400 for the tree. Throwing that out the window. Out the balcony. I even risked the lawsuit right off the balcony. If it hits a stroller, I'll pay it.
Yeah, somebody takes it. I think they do. And one guy, one of them won you for a charity, like for some kids thing. That's not bad. Yeah, take it. But you have to pay to store. You know, it's an apartment building. It's a storage unit. So it would cost me more to pay for a storage unit for that fucking tree. So I'm like, just get rid of it.
Yeah, somebody takes it. I think they do. And one guy, one of them won you for a charity, like for some kids thing. That's not bad. Yeah, take it. But you have to pay to store. You know, it's an apartment building. It's a storage unit. So it would cost me more to pay for a storage unit for that fucking tree. So I'm like, just get rid of it.
That makes sense. Are you doing gifts or are you doing no gifts? I'm doing no gifts this year with my wife, we said.
That makes sense. Are you doing gifts or are you doing no gifts? I'm doing no gifts this year with my wife, we said.
I guess all year, you get what you want.
I guess all year, you get what you want.
Yeah, she gets whatever the fuck she wants.
Yeah, she gets whatever the fuck she wants.
That's kind of the way it is.
That's kind of the way it is.
Yeah, it's like, okay, yeah, just put a tag on it from Santa and it's yours.
Yeah, it's like, okay, yeah, just put a tag on it from Santa and it's yours.
Amazon shopping addict. So I'm like, look, we can exchange a little bit. We don't usually do that many gifts because she's like, I don't want anything. I'm like, I definitely don't want anything. The least I have to spend, the better.
Amazon shopping addict. So I'm like, look, we can exchange a little bit. We don't usually do that many gifts because she's like, I don't want anything. I'm like, I definitely don't want anything. The least I have to spend, the better.
She wants the tree. You got the tree. You got the dog. She wanted the dog. I got her a little dog. That's her Christmas gift is that little dog.
She wants the tree. You got the tree. You got the dog. She wanted the dog. I got her a little dog. That's her Christmas gift is that little dog.
Yeah, she's addicted to it. I'm addicted to it too, but I also collect kiss posters. I've been doing that for like the last year.
Yeah, she's addicted to it. I'm addicted to it too, but I also collect kiss posters. I've been doing that for like the last year.
I am paranoid. I said the dog pisses on one of my posters. It's going off the fucking terrace. One Japanese Victor poster is ruined by dog piss.
I am paranoid. I said the dog pisses on one of my posters. It's going off the fucking terrace. One Japanese Victor poster is ruined by dog piss.
What's a poster cost you?
What's a poster cost you?
It depends on the... Like, a lot of them are a few hundred. The most I've spent, I think, is three grand. But that was... That was, like, for the original Casablanca promo poster.
It depends on the... Like, a lot of them are a few hundred. The most I've spent, I think, is three grand. But that was... That was, like, for the original Casablanca promo poster.
But there are some that are more, but I won't buy them.
But there are some that are more, but I won't buy them.
I went to the last show at the Garden. This guy Matt, who I know, I was on my way home from the Comedy Cellar, and it was like 7 o'clock. He goes, hey, man, do you want to see Kiss Tonight? I got tickets, an extra ticket if you want to buy it. So I'm like, eh, I hadn't seen them in fucking 15 years. So I texted my wife, I'm like, do you want to go?
I went to the last show at the Garden. This guy Matt, who I know, I was on my way home from the Comedy Cellar, and it was like 7 o'clock. He goes, hey, man, do you want to see Kiss Tonight? I got tickets, an extra ticket if you want to buy it. So I'm like, eh, I hadn't seen them in fucking 15 years. So I texted my wife, I'm like, do you want to go?
And she's like, let's go, let's do it, even though she fucking hates them. So we met outside, she hopped in a cab. We literally walked in as they were about to start Detroit Rock City. I couldn't believe I made it. And it was nice to see their last show ever. Sure, that's pretty good. Yeah, I'm happy I went. You ever put the makeup on? No, not for that.
And she's like, let's go, let's do it, even though she fucking hates them. So we met outside, she hopped in a cab. We literally walked in as they were about to start Detroit Rock City. I couldn't believe I made it. And it was nice to see their last show ever. Sure, that's pretty good. Yeah, I'm happy I went. You ever put the makeup on? No, not for that.
For a good pegging, I'd be lying if I said I haven't lipsticked up. Can't bitch boy without a little lipstick on.
For a good pegging, I'd be lying if I said I haven't lipsticked up. Can't bitch boy without a little lipstick on.
No one's going to believe it. I'm with you, brother. That's all right. Oh, God. All right, some of the questions. It's been a minute since you've been here. So some of the ones that have become common game, we want to run by you. Because you are a notable man who likes to meet famous people and get the picture and the autograph. Yes. That's well documented.
No one's going to believe it. I'm with you, brother. That's all right. Oh, God. All right, some of the questions. It's been a minute since you've been here. So some of the ones that have become common game, we want to run by you. Because you are a notable man who likes to meet famous people and get the picture and the autograph. Yes. That's well documented.
But who was the first famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Before you were famous. Yeah.
But who was the first famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Before you were famous. Yeah.
Tom Noonan. My grandmother took me. Who's Tom Noonan? You ever see Easy Money? Of course. He's not Pesci, and he's not Rodney.
Tom Noonan. My grandmother took me. Who's Tom Noonan? You ever see Easy Money? Of course. He's not Pesci, and he's not Rodney.
I was a kid. I was like 12 years old. My grandmother took me to the George Street Playhouse to see Of Mice and Men. And I forget who played George, but Tom Noonan played Lenny. Wow. And I chased him down the street for an autograph.
I was a kid. I was like 12 years old. My grandmother took me to the George Street Playhouse to see Of Mice and Men. And I forget who played George, but Tom Noonan played Lenny. Wow. And I chased him down the street for an autograph.
And he felt my hands are nice and smooth. You know, puts Vaseline in his glove. No kidding. That's a great one.
And he felt my hands are nice and smooth. You know, puts Vaseline in his glove. No kidding. That's a great one.
He's a great actor. Great. And I saw him at Louie's once. I went to Louie's for Thanksgiving, and I think Tom Noonan was one of the guys. It was a bizarre, eclectic.
He's a great actor. Great. And I saw him at Louie's once. I went to Louie's for Thanksgiving, and I think Tom Noonan was one of the guys. It was a bizarre, eclectic.
It was Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joan Rivers, her daughter, Parker Posey. This is the height of Louie.
It was Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joan Rivers, her daughter, Parker Posey. This is the height of Louie.
Jim Norton, Robert Kelly. See how off the cliff the guest list goes? But I really admired Bob Kelly that day. He was so good. Because I get like, Philip Seymour Hoffman was there, and he's like, hey, I'm Phil. And I'm like, I know, but I couldn't talk. And Bob Kelly is so good at being fun in those moments, being himself, and he's just fucking making everybody laugh and being Bobby.
Jim Norton, Robert Kelly. See how off the cliff the guest list goes? But I really admired Bob Kelly that day. He was so good. Because I get like, Philip Seymour Hoffman was there, and he's like, hey, I'm Phil. And I'm like, I know, but I couldn't talk. And Bob Kelly is so good at being fun in those moments, being himself, and he's just fucking making everybody laugh and being Bobby.
I'm like, he's really, Bobby's a great guy in those moments. I panic and I just shut down. That's all right.
I'm like, he's really, Bobby's a great guy in those moments. I panic and I just shut down. That's all right.
That's a wild fucking... Tom Noonan, the first one, yeah. That's a good one, though. First autograph I ever got was Jocko the Clown, his name was. He's a nobody. He was probably just some pedo from Edison. I was a kid, and I went to my friend's birthday party. And he was a local clown? He just did my friend's birthday party. And you asked for an autograph? I was a douche. Oh, my God, dude.
That's a wild fucking... Tom Noonan, the first one, yeah. That's a good one, though. First autograph I ever got was Jocko the Clown, his name was. He's a nobody. He was probably just some pedo from Edison. I was a kid, and I went to my friend's birthday party. And he was a local clown? He just did my friend's birthday party. And you asked for an autograph? I was a douche. Oh, my God, dude.
That is embarrassing.
That is embarrassing.
I was a douche. Gacy should have been the clown I met.
I was a douche. Gacy should have been the clown I met.
Oh, wow. There he is. Jimmy. Oh, guys.
Here's a picture of me and Rosalind Carter.
You probably made that guy's year. I did. I still have it, too. Jocko the Clown.
Imagine seeing a local clown on a birthday party. This guy's got it. You've got to sign it.
I might never get this chance again. Meanwhile, he's working at a Pep Boys during the week.
That's really good.
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Get yourself a true frigging classic.
It's good to see you. I love the new place.
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Yeah, screaming me.
Yeah. As the big man said, they were nice enough to send it to us. And it's a... We got him here in the studio. It's a proper game changer. It's one of those things where you're like, how was I walking around like that with just poo on my butt? It's crazy. It's easy setup. You can do it anywhere. It's fan-freaking-tastic. Clean water right in your poo. Fresh. You know what I mean? It's all right.
They always gave me the little beers. They always gave you the ones I've heard about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones I've heard about, yeah.
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No, the only job I did during comedy, I worked at a place called Christoph Silver where I was doing, like, I was working on a packing line with really high expensive, like, you know, $300 forks. Sure.
You know, Christoph is a great, like, high-priced silverware, and I would write jokes on fragile stickers, and then I worked for this place called Leicos Lamps, which were high, high-end Italian lamps. How'd you get into this shit? I was a warehouse worker in Raritan, whatever it was called, Raritan Valley or Raritan Center in Edison, New Jersey. Okay.
So I was just working at Kristoff, and then when they moved back to New York, I stayed there and worked at Lea Coast Lamps, but got fired because I would go to Maryland and sleep through work the next day. Sure. So I got fucking paid.
Well, no, no. It was more like me and Levy. One time me and Levy jerked off on the television. Florentine was out with a waitress, and then me and Levy both scrapped loads on the TV set.
And then we just wanted to just have, even Jim would go crazy when he came back. And he just looked at it, and he went, beautiful, and then went to sleep. That was the only reaction we got out of him. my pseudo-gay experience with Bob Lee.
It's not really pseudo. No, no, we didn't look at each other's dicks.
We were facing the TV.
We were laughing.
You know, did I quit? There was a company called Zero Copper that I worked for, and I drove a forklift. Who are you?
You know, I go back and forth. It's funny you say that because I don't know when this airs, but today we put up a video. It's an argument we had a year ago today. Our YouTube channel has been live for a year. Okay. Yeah, but she came back. We had somebody filming us at the time, and she came home.
I know. Dude, never in a million years I think Jim Norton knows how to drive a forklift.
I drove a forklift. I was doing a diamond mine in Kenya. No, I was actually in charge of chopping off the hands if the diamonds were missing. I don't want to do it, but, you know, a job's a job.
I was... No, I drove a forklift that we would get these 20-foot bundles of copper tubing and they would be like on these giant... Wrapped in these... That shit's dangerous. Yes, it was. And it was... I had a giant boom on the front and I would drive onto a ramp that was rotting in the corner and go on the back of flatbeds and pull off these giant... Jesus. ...things of copper tubing.
I did that for a while. That job I might have just...
quit i worked with a guy at that place so i'm sure he's dead at this point and uh there was a hooker that i knew who would come by and uh a hooker that i knew was a crazy she was right oh yeah if you're working with guys that you assume are dead at this point yeah yeah yeah well he was an older guy back then and and uh her uh she would you know she wasn't that attractive
But he was like, Jim, I would love to. And I'm like, okay, man. I'm like, but just take your wallet out of your pocket. If your pants go around your ankles. Because she was going to the office in Bloom. But I'm like, make sure that you take your wallet out. Because, you know, and I saw him on Monday. I'm like, how was it? He goes, she took my wallet. I'm like, what did you do?
I'm like, did you take it out?
He goes, I forgot. Mary's up to her tricks again. She would do it at the office?
Because it was in this really desolate, weird warehouse area by New Brunswick. So New Brunswick is where these hookers hung out, like around Howard Street and Commercial Avenue. That was the intersection. Oh, yeah.
Right there, right next to the dominoes?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a worse intersection than Reginald Denny's fucking toilet seat to the head. And he wound up getting his wallet taken and, yeah, his money stolen out of his pocket because he let his pants go around his ankles.
Rookie mistake. But he was old. He was very old by then. So, yeah, 35 years ago is probably dead.
I did drive a forklift. I enjoyed it. I did that at a few jobs. I worked at Pergament, which was like Home Depot. It was a Staten Island-based company. Right. Okay. Yeah. And I offloaded tractor trailers for a while. That's what I worked in receiving. So I would just go in the back of trucks and... What age are you talking about? Early 20s? I would say from... I started comedy at 21.
So I would say... Eight, 17 to, because I dropped out of high school, so I was working full time by the time I was like 17 or 18. Okay, into your early 20s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 18 to 21.
and was just emotional and tired and like, you know, certain times you, let's just say certain people partake in certain activities, but when they travel international, they don't partake in those activities.
It would take a little, a minute, but I could. I wouldn't want to go up on the ramps again, because that ramp was awful, because you would like lilt to the right, and you were on a shipping dock, so if you fell off, you were going to get killed.
Where do you say you would just land? You'd be like the supervisor at the dock.
I would be doing something like that, yeah, because I hated, I was, again, uneducated, so I wasn't qualified to do anything else.
And, yeah, I would probably be driving a forklift.
All right. Pretty good. Good work if you can get it.
It is, yeah. Huh. It was a fun job. Is it cut the grass or mow the lawn? That's a great question. Cut the grass. I'm going to mow the lawn. I mean, I would have to say 50-50. I never chose. I've said both, I admit, embarrassingly. I don't know what the right answer is, but I've said cut the grass, and I've said mow the lawn.
You think? Mow the lawn, yeah. Cut the grass. You cut the grass.
Okay. Mow the lawn is something that you would probably find in an upper echelon home. Yeah. I'm going to mow the lawn. Cut the grass is more of trash.
Car insurance. Oh, no. Car insurance.
Yeah, car insurance is trashy. Car insurance. That's a guy who can't pay the insurance bill.
Yeah, car insurance.
And how do you pronounce the product that Crayola makes?
Crayon. Not crayon.
How would you say it?
I'd say crayon. Crayon?
That's like Philly, right? You go to Delaware, yeah.
Pack of crayons? No, crayon.
You said it proper. I do crown. Like a gentleman. Crayola crowns. No, I would never say that.
Fucking queen have it on her head? My dad wasn't the sharpest tool in this shit. Wait, where are you from? You're Philly, too, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it.
And their mood is a little hypersensitive and shit.
My wife says minced meat, and I want to just drop kick her.
I'm like, holy, he was fucking 78? No one says minced meat.
Yeah. All right. Okay, what was the last other one I had? How do you clean a public toilet seat? My tongue. The money's right.
Yeah, what do you mean?
You're somewhere that's not great. Do you have an issue with that? Will you clean it? Will you dry it? What do you do?
Here's what I do. All right, I pull the toilet paper down. Obviously, you clean the seat. Give it a flyby. Now, it depends if it's a full seat or if it's the one that goes like that with the little space where all the piss collects. Because then you have to scrape that. And there have been times where I've gone out and gotten a little water and wiped that. Okay.
And then pushed that thing into the toilet. Okay. And then take a nice fresh sheet or two, put it there, and then sit down and take my dump. But it has to be hygienic. Okay.
That's good. That's a fucking gentleman.
I had to shit when I came in here today. And I looked at your bathroom and...
It's pretty bad, right? It's not great at the moment.
You don't want to poop in there? No, just because I can hear you going, hey, you guys are chatting out here.
That's kind of it, yeah.
You can hear everything.
Not at all. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't care. And I wouldn't even care if you guys do, but it wasn't an emergency. But I looked at your seat and I was like, am I going to have to clean this toilet seat? And shit, I like a nice clean seat.
Well, I lifted it to piss, and I left it up because I piss slow, and I didn't want you guys to think I had been shitting, so I left it up just so you knew.
So she unraveled, and we had an argument. And it's like, when I look at that, I'm like, that's what marriage is. It's everything, every fucking hack comic in the 80s.
Yeah. That was the worst when you're on a date, and you're taking a dump, and you knew you were away too long to be pissing. I would always come back with an excuse, like, ah, my contacts. Like I was doing something other than shitting.
I had to turn the shower on one time. I was in there for so long. It steams it up, dude. It was so loud. It was early in my days. It was her house. It was.
Showering in my house?
It was her house. Really? Yeah, dude, it was just a night after. It was just bad. It was like I'd rather. You know what's happening. I'd rather you not hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, you can use your imagination.
Yeah. I was like Norton with Florentine.
I've never had one thrown to me. I'm like Peter Brady, just running around the house, hoping for my party. And I realize my dad has AIDS.
What was the high school you went to? North Brunswick Township High School. Hit him. Get on it. We find that if you're a notable alum.
I am, but there's a soccer player who's first. I might be in the top five.
Dude, it's so bad, because I'll try to write a bit that I think is specific to me. I'm like, this happened. And then I'm like, it's on an episode of According to Jim or something. I'm like, fuck.
Oh, James Altucher is still a friend.
He goes broke on purpose and then makes a lot of money back. He owns Stand Up New York for a while. Oh, that guy.
James. Yeah, he's really interesting. He's a great chess player.
You went to high school with him? I know him since fourth grade.
Yeah, he's a really smart guy. He's a very interesting guy. That's crazy.
Harry Spears, that's right.
No shit. Yeah, but this is an alphabetical order.
Harry's is younger than me. I know Harry Spears since his mom used to bring him to open mics. He was a talented young guy. Harry, yeah. And we would go to a place called Arbogon's. I'm sure he'll remember it in East Brunswick. But his mother would bring him because he was, I think he was too young to go in and she would take it. And you're like, this fucking kid is great.
Like why he would do RoboCop. And you just knew that this guy was, but I remembered him because that name, Ari Spears is such a distinctive name. Yeah. But I know him a long time.
Yeah. I don't think I remember him from school. I knew him from the open mics though. Two of us are both outcasts from high school.
Yeah, he ain't graduating.
Yeah, has anybody talked about holding the purse in the mall?
I just saw that. Everything's good.
Excellent. Really great.
Well, there. Notable alum. Jimmy Norton. Love to see you. That's great. Let's say, what's the shower like at the house? Is it like a tub shower or a stand-up shower? Stand-up. It's got to be stand-up.
Well, I mean, there are two. And the reason there's a second one is I got a tub, a nice tub, the second one. They said if you ever want to resell, a tub is good to have so parents with little kids can move in. It's a good thing to have. But the main shower, it's a spa adventure. I wanted, it's a big glass. A gentleman. A truly gentleman's steam experience.
Because I have it where you can close off the top and it becomes a steam shower. So I can sit there and take a nice steam bath. And I'm in a real good steam. And then it's probably, it's bigger than this table area.
It's a large. It's a nice place. And there's a chair in the, like there's a concrete looking thing. Like a bench. A bench, thank you, yeah. So you can sit down.
I like to sit there. It's good when you're taking a steam and you want to just blow your nose and relax. Sure. A couple of robes hanging up in case there's company. That's it. For the jacuzzi. There's a couple of robes. There's a jacuzzi? Outside, yeah.
Out on the balcony? Oh, yeah, yeah. You've never been to my house?
No, the balcony, if you want to get onto the terrace, you can go from there.
Because we saw you on Bert's cruise. Yes. You guys, you were together, and that was my first time meeting your wife. And we got on the bus together, and she was, it was very, you guys were doing well. Moving together. It was still the first day of the trip, too.
There is a little Juliet balcony.
What the fuck is that? You're talking to two dirtbags.
Few are as quick as Mr. Norton, baby.
Now, if you go out, a Juliet balcony is, when you leave the bedroom, there's a small, it's almost like it's enough room for one person. And you can just stand out there and look. And it's probably, it's just enough for one person to relax, share a table.
Sure, I would jump, dude, if I woke up on a bad day.
I've thought of it.
That's the guest bathroom. That's attached to the living room. And the master bath is... It has no, pardon me, no tub in it. It's just got the standing shower and the steam room. Damn! And the outside area.
Yes, it has places to sit and it's got the jacuzzi.
How often are you using that jacuzzi?
Not as often as you think. Like, you think you're going to use it. I had a new one put in because there was one that came with the place, but I was just like, it was a little smaller than I would care for. And I didn't, I don't want somebody else's jacuzzi energy.
Sure. So I had to hire. I'd be wiping that thing down every day. This guy could have struck out all the time for all I know. He's got bad juju in him. This guy can't close. I need my new one.
So yeah, we had a crane come and bring up a new one. That's how they put a jacuzzi on it. They bring a crane out. That cost extra? Oh, yeah. Jesus Christ. I should have got the forklift. It was 10 grand to shut the fucking street down for five minutes. And then they lift it up. They hoist it. And I have video of it going up.
I don't know if I have it on my phone, but I have video of it being hoisted up. And it literally takes 10 seconds.
And it's on top of they drop it.
And then they're gone.
And then the old, because there's no other way to get a jacuzzi into a place. The next one, and the old one, they just break up with hammers and saws and take down by pieces. How long ago did you do this? 2017 or 16. You had to have told us that. That's insane. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I did.
Yeah, I think that was one of our first public events was Bird's Cruise. We get along great. Traveling is pretty easy.
No, no, you did not. I would hear stories of you would have all barbecue or something of some kind.
I've only had a couple. I'm not very social. Do you guys have had a barbecue?
Not, I mean, for myself I can, and it sucks. But there would be stories of you having these parties, and I would hear by, like, third hand, like, you got to see the deck on this place.
I would love to have had you guys.
We weren't successful yet, Jim.
I still do an open mic. I might have bartended at it or something. In fairness, I did one of these in August.
And I would love you to have come. I don't know why I didn't. I probably just forgot.
Tiny. We're so stupid. We wanted a Cavapoo. And we thought it was a Cavapoo. It's a Yorkie. But it's fine because it's hypoallergenic. Okay. And it's just, we've only had it two weeks. So it's a little, you know, it's shitting and pissing on pads. And we have, we just, we took it.
I have a feeling you are too. It's much easier.
I just keep eye contact with her to make sure she's not stealing my money.
and on your wallet and uh we brought we brought him uh we brought the dog on the terrace and uh it's so scared of being outside so we finally found treats that it likes because the other dog treats had hated i don't know what kind of treats we got it but my friend sent me some that this thing loves so now we're just getting to walk on the terrace okay needs its vaccinations there's a vet at my place as i do this
She won't come to one-nighters. If I do one night in Boston, one night in New Hampshire, she's not coming.
We found a vet that does house calls. And so the vet is coming to make sure it's up to date on vaccinations. Yeah. And so my wife is dealing with the vet right now. Juliet Terraces have vets making house calls. The Juliet Terraces night. It's good for one person if you want to just sit out there and take a glance at the city. Sure. You know, and relax.
I mean, I don't think the word Terrace has been said this much on fucking any episode. Terrace is a great word. Okay. How big do you say the Terrace is? I've heard it was big. It's a good size. I heard it turns. Is that true? It's a wrap, a little bit of a wraparound. Got the corner, dog.
Right. You set up somewhere for a weekend.
Yeah. I have a camera. I could show you it, but it's not impressive. You could just see the size of it. Sure.
I mean, Terrace, New York City.
Yeah. I wanted outdoor space. That's why I moved where I was. I was in a Trump building on the Upper West, which I loved. I mean, the building is the best maintenance of any building.
Yeah, if I'm like, hey, I'm going to L.A., then, of course, she wants to go. She wants to act like she belongs.
Those buildings are beautiful. Fucking great.
I was on 70th and Riverside.
Yeah, that whole little village.
I love it up there. I love it, love it, love it. But I couldn't have afforded an outdoor space in that. No, no, no. It would have been crazy. So I started looking on the rest of the city.
What year did you start making money?
I started making money. Get down a brass tacks. The first money I started making was, I would say, 10 years in. My first contract with Opie and Anthony, they had finally signed me. I was making $50,000 a year to be on the radio. That was $1,000 a week. Back then? I was like, holy fuck.
As a comic, to make $50,000 as a comic in New York and doing comedy adjacent, like living in the comedy world.
It's really fucking annoying. I do that out there, too. Let's go to Spago over at the Brentwood Market.
I still lived in Jersey. I was paying $300 a month rent.
Plus the shows, then your probably road shows go up. I was selling out everywhere. Yeah, yeah.
And they doubled my salary to $100,000. But the show got kicked off the air before the paperwork was signed. So, yeah, I lost that. That was heartbreaking. That was heartbreaking. That was when we got kicked off the radio in 2002. But, yeah, I had just signed to double the money, and the paperwork hadn't gone through yet.
Oh, no. This is what white trash I have. I was paying $300 a month. Florentine was my roommate and his girlfriend, so we split a $900 rent three ways, and there was mold on the wall. Have you ever seen that video? It's called Jim Norton Cribs.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Black mold.
It's disgusting. So I'm like, I can afford a place now in New York, so I got a two-year deal. They double my money. And I got a two-year rent for $2,300 a month. So I went from $300 a month to $2,300 a month. Okay. And five months in, we get fired. And I'm fucked. So, like, thank God for Tough Crowd. That really saved me.
We got a dog. We just got a dog. Oh, there you go. I like it. So the travel is great because now she has to stay home with the dog. It's like 10 weeks old, which is awesome. I'm like, I'd love to have you, but I guess I'll have to sit alone and jerk off and eat whatever I want.
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You're paying a light bill, an insurance bill at those places. You're paying for the door, the windows. Get out of here with that.
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No, but I did because I'm financially savvy. There were these escorts that used to accept credit cards, and I would go there and always pay by credit card. And wouldn't you believe it that all of a sudden my credit card numbers got stolen? Fraudulent charges. I had $10,000 on each card. And back then I was making no money, so I had to call the credit card company and
I love hotels now. I love hotels.
And they're like, where did you spend it? And I'm like, on a prostitute. I told them.
I don't care. This is not my charges. $10,000 on each card.
That took me two years to straighten out. Fucking worst.
Oh, shit. That's like how they remember.
I'm going to put that down as a yes. Yeah. They didn't actually cut it up. Sure. Yeah. You ever have a fucking credit card jizzed on and the number stolen? All right.
Has that switched? You were probably over hotels. You've been working for a long time, so it's like now you're a little refreshed, a little rejuvenation.
Same, same. Oh. Oh, God. Do you put your shirt on then deodorant or deodorant then the shirt? Great question.
I would say this morning because I did think of that today after the gym. I usually go home and shower, but I was coming here. So I showered at the gym and I put my deodorant on first and then my shirt. But I don't like doing that because a lot of times, as you know, you pull it down and get that foot on the side.
That's fatter guy. That's bigger body stuff.
Sometimes after a shower, your shirt sticks to you because there's a sheen on your body. So what I like to do is I have to hold it out and then wrap it around and lower it.
This guy's good. What's the shower like at the gym? Single or is it like a big stall with a couple of guys?
It's not hedonism. The ripping and the tearing.
Yeah. No, it's a bunch of individual showers with like a plastic shower. Because there's so many guys going in and out. I very rarely shower there. I usually go home, but like I said, today I had to. Mm-hmm.
I love it. But I would always have escorts come over, and I was a complete creep on the road. But now it's just like I'll go to escort sites. They're going to say room service. I'll look at what I could do. You do that?
I'd be giving you a glass or a cup. Would it be a bottle?
It would be out of the zero water filter. We have something called a zero water filter. Reverse osmosis? What's that?
No, this one takes all the all the metals and stuff out of it. OK. And there's a little thermometer on it where you can measure. Like if you put it in water and hit the button, it tells you like it gives you a number like 41. Like that's how many metal per million. And then you do it with zero water and you put the thermometer and it's zero. So it takes out a lot of stuff.
What's the cost on a zero there?
No, it's a big one with two filters in it. Standalone.
It's a standalone.
I think that is reverse osmosis.
Is that what that is? I don't know. Could be.
He also went to New Brunswick High School.
No, New Brunswick was kind of the hood high school.
The ice cubes are made by the refrigerator. But I do think it goes through a filter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to be happy to get you some. It's not as bad as tap water, but it's not as good as zero water. Freezer in the bottom? Two freezers. Two? Excuse me? Yeah, it's a Sub-Zero. You open a nice fridge, and then freezer number one, and then freezer number two.
Yeah, it's a good fridge. I wanted a good fridge. What was the honeymoon? Did you do a honeymoon? No. We got married because she came into the country, so we got married within 90 days.
Did the same thing.
Yeah, no honeymoon yet. We just travel whenever we want.
You'll go browse the inventory, kick a couple tires?
Not often, but if I'm going to sleep, there are times I have done that. She does it more than me because she's been sleeping in the living room because of the puppy, which is great because that's just me alone with a sock in my bedroom finally having some alone time. It's like you're on the road again. But, yeah, once in a while I will.
My couch is really big and it's like a cloud couch, so you can get comfortable on it.
No, but I used to bring one when I was opening for Dice in 97. My first gigs I would bring a pillow in my checked luggage like a total rookie. What? But now I wouldn't because I'm so scared of bed bugs. I'm afraid I'm going to get bed bugs on my pillow. So, no, I don't bring any bedding. Did he know you were checking a pillow in your check luggage? I mean, I don't know. No, I don't think so.
I'll be back in Toledo.
I began doing carry-ons shortly after. Jim, what are you doing?
Hey, check me out.
This guy's checking bags. Yeah. I would hold the whole crew up.
man but you learn fast you learn fast don't check your bag i mean don't check the bag i know i've been there when you brush your teeth will you walk around a little bit or you do it right at the sink i don't move but the psychopath that i'm married to okay brushes her teeth she'll take the toothbrush she walks into the bedroom she'll lay on the bed on her back with her feet up in the air
Yeah, you just look, but I don't do it.
Like in baby position. It's the most batshit crazy thing. I don't know. I'd like to ask every uncle she has. There's a reason. I don't know what it is. But she literally lays on her back and like brushes her teeth like that with her feet up in the air bent. Like a cat getting petted or a dog getting petted. Me, I stand there. I let your toothbrush. I stand there. I don't move.
It's nice to have your time alone in a hotel. Sure. Do you like a nice hotel? I am a gentleman's accommodation snob.
I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like my own sink.
I do. I floss most days. Once in a while, I forget, but we have a lot of floss there, and I do get complimented on my gums by the dentist. Are we good? Thank you, yes. Will you swim at a hotel pool? Sure, I don't care. Absolutely. I mean, I went to Brazil and fucked without condoms.
I'm not scared of a hotel pool. It wasn't more of the germs. It was, do you enjoy it? Oh. Do you enjoy it as much as Brazil?
So, yeah, when I'm in my swimming things, I'll do it, sure. But my exercise has gotten, I work out a few days a week, but I haven't been exercising with cardio. I don't know. I would if I was back to doing that.
That gym, yeah, always wear.
Now, where's that? Did you bring the flip-flops with you? You got a locker there.
I have them with me. I travel with them. I bring a bag with me, and I bring it to radio in the morning, and then I write to the gym after.
Oh, no, I did. You know what? I don't want to get icky toes.
It really is. I can stay. It's fine. It's fine. I had a cat again.
Mr. Norton, you have icky toes.
We also just did, we were in D.C. with you. Gentleman's accommodation. That's a great, that is a great term.
Yeah, we did. They gave you what they call a Terminus in the whorehouse in Brazil called the Monte Carlo. That's the nicest name I've ever heard. See if we can get eyes on that. So fancy. Yeah, I was in there with Patrice, and we were wearing our flip-flops. We went every day. Me and Keith were doing 100-milligram Viagras and then just going to this place.
100-milligram Viagras all over the counter in Brazil.
That's why you had to stroke.
I was just thinking that as I said it.
That's too much by accident.
How about checking out the sights or going to Fogarty Chowards? Well, we did that one night. We would see the sights in the taxi on the way. A hundred milligrams a night and just going be three, four girls a night. It was crazy. It was crazy. Yeah.
There was another one too. I forget what it was called, but the Monte Carlo, there was cops going there. Like it was, there was security. I mean, you had a locker, there was no cash exchange. Like they had a whole system.
Me too. Actually, I had a residency there. I thought it was Monte Cristo. I was looking for a sandwich.
Fuck me. It was fun. Okay.
And the beef Wellington, please. Man, that poor escort. He's getting somebody after a beef Wellington. I'm a little sleepy. We were in D.C., and you remember he maneuvered? We were shocked. We were like, what the fuck? You showed up. You had already checked in. Adam Ray's show. You got there the night before, I think. You did the hotel the night before, and then you show up to the venue.
A lot of fish, right?
Yeah, and it's not good, but she's a good cook when she wants to. If it's something she likes, something she can eat, she cooks. Me, not at all.
So you're doing takeout?
Are you going out? Yeah, I order these meals, like these Whole30 meals. It's a diet that I do. Okay. So twice a week, these pre-made meals come in. We got this great egg. It's like an egg grill outside.
And I just don't use it. I have a little Weber I want to throw out and then use this one, but I'm so bad at getting started. Did you say Green John? John, yeah.
I got to learn to cook on him.
What's today? Today's usually I'll go home. We'll see what the dog's up to with the vet, and I will do... We have dinner planned tonight. Very nice. A nice dinner.
With just you two or another couple?
No, we got invited to Rouse, that place in... Rayo.
You're going to Rayo's tonight? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Jim Norton? Jesus Christ. I've never been there. My friend knows somebody who has a table there. Everyone says it's amazing.
Yeah. Have you been? No. Can't even get to fucking Applebee's in Midtown.
I wish I had gone last night so I could come in and discuss what a wonderful meal.
Throw that in our face.
But we're looking forward to that, and then tomorrow I'll just do spots. Wow, there you go. Rayos. Rayos, that's a fucking. I know. You had to accept.
I think so. Unbelievable.
You think I've really upped my game? What are you talking about?
I do have a decent car, but my lease is up in February. I don't know if this will knock me back down to the trash bin, but my lease is up in February, and I'm probably going to get a much cheaper car because it's a waste of money. Sure.
What are you going to get, you think? What are you eyeing up? You got a Mercedes now, right?
No, no. Right now, I have a BMW X6. I had a Mercedes last time, but X6 I lease, and the garage is expensive, so I want to get a cheaper garage. I don't drive enough. Garage in the building? No, unfortunately, no. The old, they don't have one. My old, and on the block, it closes at midnight. I don't want a fucking curfew in my car.
I got to get home. Yeah. My garage guy is going to be pissed.
So I got to go like three blocks and then park it and then walk home.
Where have you been? So, yeah, that's a garage in the building. I had that in the Trump building, which was, I mean, you can't do better than that.
Yeah, that's, I mean, that's the epitome of making it. You got a fucking garage in a building in Manhattan.
He would walk up and stand at the end of the hall while security did it, just so they couldn't mess around in the building.
Bruce Willis used to live in the building.
Steven Tyler. Yeah, there was some good residents.
Did you ever see them?
I saw Bruce Willis once or twice, and then I shot a scene with him in that Kevin Smith movie called...
cop out okay or yes I had one scene with Bruce and he was people everyone said he was very difficult and Kevin didn't like him uh but I had a good moment with him uh because I told him oh yeah we live at two and so when he knew that we were in the same building he was very nice to me it was like oh you're yeah you don't want to be a dick to a guy you're gonna see in the fucking you know mailbox yeah yeah gotta get your taco bell delivered yeah yeah
All right. I mean, I was not expecting this. You're very meticulous, very well thought out.
You got your luggage. You pulled your car right in the garage. Yep. Like a hitman. And then he's like, he gets off stage. He goes, all right, I'll see you guys later.
Well, you do socks and then pants or pants and then socks?
Socks first because I don't like to have to roll up the bottom part of my trouser.
I don't want to wrinkle the bottom of my trouser putting on a sock.
Straight nude. Totally nude. Unless I am on the road, I hate boutique hotels. I hate a boutique hotel.
What's the chain you like?
Marriott. Marriott because the bedding is comfy and cool and great, and it's like they don't overdo it with starch. This guy's doing starch now. I hate these places because the sheets are itchy, so I'll wear a T-shirt. I have very soft skin. Okay.
Don't be shy Get in on that That's soft Like a puppy's belly So I get itchy very easy So I like to have a nice A nice soft sheet The Marriott chains Anything that's Marriott I'll stay in boutique hotels I'll take a courtyard Marriott any day
What's a boutique? What do you say? Like an Aloft or something like that? No, like the Johnson, the downtown Cleveland or whatever.
Right back to New York. I had an execution in front of the Hilton. Took the rubber gloves off and walked out the door.
A weird name, like, you know, the St. Marie.
No, I don't mind that.
Like at the Tommy? Oh, no. So, like, some of these real small, new, cool, hipper things are, like... The whole bathroom is kind of tiled. Yeah. And then the toilet is kind of in the shower. And the sink's outside of the door.
I've never seen that.
Yeah. He's not slumming it. Here's what I don't like.
Here's the boutique hotel.
He's staying at the Thompson when he goes down to Austin. He ain't staying at the Tommy.
I know, but the Four Seasons is where you want to stay in Austin. We did once on points, and they knew we didn't belong.
We shared a room.
When you open and close, like a boutique hotel giveaway is they have those barn doors that slide along tracks to open and close.
Yes, I hate it. Okay.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
A lot of times there's hardwood floors and not carpets. I hate them so much.
Do you have any... Look at Luke. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, they're the worst. He's a fucking rich kid. He's loving this. Travels around on my dime. Jim Norton.
An RC is where I'd prefer to stay.
Oh, Ritz-Carlton. Of course. Very nice.
I'm a weird traveler, man. I like to get there the night before. I don't like to drive or fly when I get a gig because I get nauseous and tired.
You know, I've stayed in only like one or two hotels ever in New York. I've been in a lot of them.
Yeah, someone's back in town. Got to go say hello. But no, I don't know if I've... Maybe once or twice I've stayed in a hotel in New York. I can't... The best hotel I've ever stayed at, probably the Bel Air in... It's not... It's just a comfortable, perfect hotel in Bel Air. I've stayed there once. My wife and I... I got invited to Sharon Osbourne's birthday party a few years ago.
I'm like, let's make this... You have such a... Wild just history. It was such a great life. You're talking about forklifts 20 minutes ago. I don't want to be back on that ramp. The wood was rotted. So I'm there with Sharon Osbourne.
But I'm saying that because it was such a special thing. I'm like, let's get a great hotel. Do it up. Let's have a great weekend in L.A. So we stayed there for like three days. It's unbelievable. I mean, well worth it. You like a hotel breakfast? I do. I confess. I like a nice... You got me. I am guilty as charged. I like a fine hotel breakfast.
I do, and they bring in the little treats. I mean, who am I to say no? Well, you do room service. Oh, yeah, I will. I like a nice 24-hour room service.
Even flight gigs, you get out there the night before?
The Ritz has that.
Sure. I was just in Chicago. I stayed at the Trump Hotel. Nice.
Where'd you stay when we were in D.C. ?
When I was in D.C., I stayed... It was in a Marriott property that they were paying for, but it was a very nice hotel. Like, it was a... You know, like, there was a mall attached to it, Starbucks. I mean, it had everything. I'm not crazy like that. Like, I'll stay in a nice... Just a nice Marriott's all I need.
Always. Really? You're not stressed. You don't have to take your Dramamine and be loopy on stage. I get it. I like to drive late the night before. Four-hour ride. Sleep in. I really do.
Well, I mean, we'll... jump up to a nicer one when we have the points and it's just me and him because we travel with like a team when we go on the road. So it's usually our anniversary or something. Yeah. If I know he's going to put out, we'll we'll use points to upgrade to something nice. Do you have any any tips or tricks or things, hacks that you do when you get into a hotel?
Like I close the windows, you know, like seal the the blinds or anything, any anything you do to set up to get how you like it? Here's what I do.
It's not glamorous. I take the thing for the luggage out of the closet and I put my luggage on that never on the bed because I'm paranoid about bed bugs and I take all my clothes out and I'll maybe put them on top of the dresser I don't fuck with the drawers or I'll actually leave them in the suitcase I'm very white trashy in a hotel but it's purely a bed bugs issue
Well, I mean, I've never used that thing. I go right on the other bed. Or even the desk. I'll put my luggage on the desk. Never.
I would never put my luggage on a desk, maybe, yes, but not the bed. I did stay recently in a fine hotel. And I use the drawers. In certain places, I'm like, you're probably okay.
Really getting fancy gym today. He really is, man.
Yeah, this is snooty, nose-in-the-air gym. I like it. Fresh from the gymnasium.
Flex that muscle, baby.
But if the hotel is good, I'll use the drawer. I forget the place in L.A. we stayed at that was really nice. When a hotel wants to rope you in, a lot of times they'll upgrade you the first time you're there. We've never had that.
They do not want us coming back. I'm an ice machine guy. Where's those vending machines, dawg?
Yeah, no, I like when I walk into the lobby, I like when they go, welcome, Mr. Norton. Like, I like that. I'm a piece of shit.
Yeah, yeah, yes. I want all borderline worship from the staff.
No, but I did marry a hotel thief. I married a thief. We have stuff from hotels all over the world. A book that was in like the fucking some Italy hotel. What are you doing? You stole a book? She stole a book. I didn't.
You guys are Bonnie and Clyde. You're rolling together, dog. I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah, but I don't know it's there until we actually walk in the house. I'm like, what the fuck is this? She's like, oh, I got it from the hotel.
All time. The comeback of all comebacks. All time turnaround.
Yes, I appreciate that. It makes me feel like I've been working hard since the last time, and I felt like I presented myself as absolute garbage juice. Yeah. Like that cuck that collects at the bottom of the bag. Sure. And I said I wanted to turn it around, and I wanted to, you know.
We're not stopping. Nobody in the car? Not at all. That's because I took the passenger seat out, you know, as old Teddy B did.
Wouldn't be anything fancy. It's simply something that's good in the snow and the rain. Four-wheel drive. Sensible car. A Jeep, maybe? Maybe. Something a lot less expensive. An Audi. Maybe. Depends on the price because my contract is up. So, again, we have to be.
Maybe not a RAV4.
No, no, no. I understand that. But, like, again, a lot of times the fancier people have very smart vehicles, very economical. I've just noticed that a lot of the times the best people have a very average car because they don't want to showcase their wealth and success.
Now, are you going to go, or do you send the help to go? To get the car? He sends us. It's me and you. I'm testing it for my friend. He's very big. He eats at Rayo's, this guy.
I will test it, but when I got a Mercedes, they actually drove it to my house. BMW did not do that. It was in the city, so they're like, well, yeah, we'll be here until 5.
Come get it, jerk-off.
Yeah, exactly. And don't bring your wife. She should be stealing shit. Yeah, exactly. Leave that fucking thief at home.
Thank you very much. Anything else you want to... The first time you ever did that, it really threw me off. Goddamn classy. Well, I'm on the road doing gigs. Yeah, where are you at? This is dropping this week, so where are you at? Plug away if you have anything coming up.
I mean, I got, before the end of the year, Tarrytown, and I also have Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Then I got Mothership in Austin. I got Laconia, New Hampshire. I got Rhode Island. I got Hollywood. I got... A bunch of places. Seattle, Tampa. You shouldn't have mentioned.
Guys, we're off the road for a little bit. New tour dates come in early next year. We fucking love yous, and we'll see you out there. Jim, we love you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace. Thank you, guys.
Well, I was always hosting. Like, when I first started, for the first 10 years, I was an emcee. So you would, like, pick up comics.
Could be serial killers. Absolutely. Or criminals. You're just getting whoever got booked that weekend.
You were hoping they were murderers, so you didn't have to go through with the shit gig in Lancaster.
I know that club. I hope he just cuts my throat.
You're leaving weapons for him. Yeah, but you would share rooms. That was the worst part. But I also look back on those days. It was fun. You were sitting there. I was so happy to be there. I was so happy to be in the room with a comedian who was talking to me. It was great, man. I love this. I used to do with Bob Levy and Florentine. We would do a gig in Maryland.
$75 for the weekend, $25 a show, no food, no room. So they would let me share the room that they got, and they would pool the money and keep the money. It was great.
It was fun, but Florentine would always fuck a waitress. So it would always be, I would always, oh, me and Jim picked up girls together one time, and it was so embarrassing.
He was a good-looking guy. He was a good-looking dude. I mean, good-looking guy now, but back in the day, he was...
He was an eight and a half, and he had, Jim had a great rap. I'm a three and a half. He had a good rap? He had a great rap.
Yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah, what are you doing? And we picked up these two girls, went back to the hotel room, and Jim is pounding like a professional.
No, back then, we know. It was a regular small room. And I was wearing all black, and I was dressed like the preacher in the Poltergeist II, and I'm fucking laying there. I love it, girl. What a deep cut. You're all going to die. You're not going to get an erection, Jim. And he was right. I couldn't.
It was shriveled in my pants, and I went down on her for about 40 minutes, and she couldn't have an orgasm. And then I finally went back up to my room with her and just made out. It was embarrassing. Jeez. Jesus. Jim Pound, what a professional.
Dude, I mean, I'm not going to be able to get hard for another week here in that story.
He had his face at her neck just... A real man.
What would it take for me and you to hook up with two chicks in the same room?
A gun. That was a lot of chicken fingers.
I was going to say an act of God. For us to pull two chicks together?
You guys got to have groupies, though. Come on. You guys are hilarious. I mean, we're big with welders.
It's more domesticated, but spotless. No, because she's what they call it. She's like a trad wife, but doesn't want to do housework or anything traditional.
OK, she's not a traditional wife. She just wants to lay around and do nothing and smoke pot. That's to her traditional wife. So, yeah, the place she's new age.
Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, everybody? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir.
No, no, no, no. But she's trying to quit. Like, she goes through these periods where she'll quit. Okay. Which, you know, but then you have to deal with somebody's mood when they quit.
Yeah, it's never good.
She don't like the gummies? No, she doesn't like... They make her too loopy or they make her nauseous or whatever. Mm-hmm. But it sucks, though, because when somebody's smoking pot all the time, they just fall asleep on the couch. Like, you know, and they're passing out, and I go into my, I'm isolated. Get up and mow the lawn.
That was the joke.
Real tree in New York City. What are you dropping on it?
You got the high ceilings over there. Not that high, though. You got a couple of bucks on you, too.
$350 to $400 for the tree. Throwing that out the window. Out the balcony. I even risked the lawsuit right off the balcony. If it hits a stroller, I'll pay it.
Yeah, somebody takes it. I think they do. And one guy, one of them won you for a charity, like for some kids thing. That's not bad. Yeah, take it. But you have to pay to store. You know, it's an apartment building. It's a storage unit. So it would cost me more to pay for a storage unit for that fucking tree. So I'm like, just get rid of it.
That makes sense. Are you doing gifts or are you doing no gifts? I'm doing no gifts this year with my wife, we said.
I guess all year, you get what you want.
Yeah, she gets whatever the fuck she wants.
That's kind of the way it is.
Yeah, it's like, okay, yeah, just put a tag on it from Santa and it's yours.
Amazon shopping addict. So I'm like, look, we can exchange a little bit. We don't usually do that many gifts because she's like, I don't want anything. I'm like, I definitely don't want anything. The least I have to spend, the better.
She wants the tree. You got the tree. You got the dog. She wanted the dog. I got her a little dog. That's her Christmas gift is that little dog.
Yeah, she's addicted to it. I'm addicted to it too, but I also collect kiss posters. I've been doing that for like the last year.
I am paranoid. I said the dog pisses on one of my posters. It's going off the fucking terrace. One Japanese Victor poster is ruined by dog piss.
What's a poster cost you?
It depends on the... Like, a lot of them are a few hundred. The most I've spent, I think, is three grand. But that was... That was, like, for the original Casablanca promo poster.
But there are some that are more, but I won't buy them.
I went to the last show at the Garden. This guy Matt, who I know, I was on my way home from the Comedy Cellar, and it was like 7 o'clock. He goes, hey, man, do you want to see Kiss Tonight? I got tickets, an extra ticket if you want to buy it. So I'm like, eh, I hadn't seen them in fucking 15 years. So I texted my wife, I'm like, do you want to go?
And she's like, let's go, let's do it, even though she fucking hates them. So we met outside, she hopped in a cab. We literally walked in as they were about to start Detroit Rock City. I couldn't believe I made it. And it was nice to see their last show ever. Sure, that's pretty good. Yeah, I'm happy I went. You ever put the makeup on? No, not for that.
For a good pegging, I'd be lying if I said I haven't lipsticked up. Can't bitch boy without a little lipstick on.
No one's going to believe it. I'm with you, brother. That's all right. Oh, God. All right, some of the questions. It's been a minute since you've been here. So some of the ones that have become common game, we want to run by you. Because you are a notable man who likes to meet famous people and get the picture and the autograph. Yes. That's well documented.
But who was the first famous person you met before you started doing comedy? Before you were famous. Yeah.
Tom Noonan. My grandmother took me. Who's Tom Noonan? You ever see Easy Money? Of course. He's not Pesci, and he's not Rodney.
I was a kid. I was like 12 years old. My grandmother took me to the George Street Playhouse to see Of Mice and Men. And I forget who played George, but Tom Noonan played Lenny. Wow. And I chased him down the street for an autograph.
And he felt my hands are nice and smooth. You know, puts Vaseline in his glove. No kidding. That's a great one.
He's a great actor. Great. And I saw him at Louie's once. I went to Louie's for Thanksgiving, and I think Tom Noonan was one of the guys. It was a bizarre, eclectic.
It was Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joan Rivers, her daughter, Parker Posey. This is the height of Louie.
Jim Norton, Robert Kelly. See how off the cliff the guest list goes? But I really admired Bob Kelly that day. He was so good. Because I get like, Philip Seymour Hoffman was there, and he's like, hey, I'm Phil. And I'm like, I know, but I couldn't talk. And Bob Kelly is so good at being fun in those moments, being himself, and he's just fucking making everybody laugh and being Bobby.
I'm like, he's really, Bobby's a great guy in those moments. I panic and I just shut down. That's all right.
That's a wild fucking... Tom Noonan, the first one, yeah. That's a good one, though. First autograph I ever got was Jocko the Clown, his name was. He's a nobody. He was probably just some pedo from Edison. I was a kid, and I went to my friend's birthday party. And he was a local clown? He just did my friend's birthday party. And you asked for an autograph? I was a douche. Oh, my God, dude.
That is embarrassing.
I was a douche. Gacy should have been the clown I met.
This guy's a legend in the comedy game. Took 20 years off of stand-up, but he's back in the game now.
This guy's a legend in the comedy game. Took 20 years off of stand-up, but he's back in the game now.
Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony!
Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony!
This guy's a legend in the comedy game. Took 20 years off of stand-up, but he's back in the game now.
Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony!
He takes him in the face.
He takes him in the face.
Boom, that's it.
Boom, that's it.
I like the last part.
I like the last part.
I think. Against Khalil? I don't know. Maybe I'm retarded. No, no, no, no, no. I think... I think... That's already been established.
I think. Against Khalil? I don't know. Maybe I'm retarded. No, no, no, no, no. I think... I think... That's already been established.
We've known that for a long time, Matt.
We've known that for a long time, Matt.
Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Hold on, man. Wait a minute.
Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Hold on, man. Wait a minute.
He had a fucking real point. Did he call you too?
He had a fucking real point. Did he call you too?
You don't get a fucking... You don't get a fucking... It's not PJ and the Bear thing and shit. Get the fuck out of here.
You don't get a fucking... You don't get a fucking... It's not PJ and the Bear thing and shit. Get the fuck out of here.
It does. You can use it like a slingshot that's great
It does. You can use it like a slingshot that's great
Oh, my God. He's always been funny. Come on.
Oh, my God. He's always been funny. Come on.
I'm just like, give me my hand back, motherfucker.
I'm just like, give me my hand back, motherfucker.
I don't think he had no doubt about that. That fucking guy. Yeah, I believe him.
I don't think he had no doubt about that. That fucking guy. Yeah, I believe him.
Don't laugh, John Rollo. You next. Yeah, you look like you'd be in prison too.
Don't laugh, John Rollo. You next. Yeah, you look like you'd be in prison too.
Man, that dude sucked, man.
Man, that dude sucked, man.
Do you do that gripping thing?
Do you do that gripping thing?
Because it starts like a Hitman movie, and then they fucking on the floor. I go, what the...
Because it starts like a Hitman movie, and then they fucking on the floor. I go, what the...
He's got the best fucking kick! No, we're kidding.
He's got the best fucking kick! No, we're kidding.
Yeah, I'm sweating.
Yeah, I'm sweating.
Before I attack my wife.
Before I attack my wife.
Nah, nah, nah.
Nah, nah, nah.
It's not a secret. I want to know what the fuck happens over there.
It's not a secret. I want to know what the fuck happens over there.
No, I'm not doing that. You're no longer getting paid by them.
No, I'm not doing that. You're no longer getting paid by them.
You believed it.
You believed it.
That's the fucking elbow. Exactly.
That's the fucking elbow. Exactly.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Yeah. It's kind of crazy.
Yeah. It's kind of crazy.
Get in there.
Get in there.
And I'm like, do I look like that?
I will text you and ask you the same question.
It's got to be driving you crazy or maybe you detach from it because you see things.
Yeah, because as you get older, man, you start thinking like, eh, these things are starting to affect me now a little bit.
I'm still in pretty good health.
But you start to panic and start to think.
So I'll see them say like, he's just right.
My buddies never work great, though, so it's not like I don't see any real drop off.
Have I looked like that for two decades?
And I'm like, you guys don't really know Joe.
It's like it's they don't to see yourself painted in such a way has got to be at one point frustrating.
You're not drinking at all?
And then you have to just let it go.
I can't imagine drinking and doing comedy.
Like, again, I quit before I started.
I see guys who are like, I can't.
Because I was not a fun drunk at all.
I was the fucking worst.
So I was- But you were like 19, though, right?
I know, and people are like- Which is crazy.
Oh, he was too young, he's thinking, but it's like- Try it again now, Jimmy.
People would love, but they wouldn't like me.
I mean, who the fuck was that?
I mean, how awful is that?
So it's the best thing I did because I was not a fun guy to be around.
Like when Anthony drinks.
He's, you know, at times I wish his fucking Twitter fingers were broken.
But I wish he would lock his fucking phone.
But he is a funny, like he's not usually an angry drunk.
I was the phone I should call the FBI.
You know, I used to call bomb threats into my high school.
I called... I can say it now.
I mean, I called, let's say, a threat into the White House.
The Ku Klux Klan, I called the fucking...
Because I was like little Lib Jimmy, and I read that there was a Klan book I read, and the guy was like a preacher for the Ku Klux Klan.
I looked his number up on 411 back then.
And I got his name, and I called him.
I was like, are you fucking racist?
And he actually talked to me.
And he was like, oh, I got out of the Klan.
I'm not in that anymore.
And we actually had a conversation.
He actually engaged me for about 20 minutes.
I had a conversation with some Klan.
I was 14 years old, 15 years old.
Again, I remember calling for information.
I'm like, fucking Rich, put it on or take it off.
I'm surprised, because many people did.
I was a fix-the-world on the phone.
Thank God I didn't have fucking Twitter.
They give him their wizard costumes at the end.
He's just, cause he's probably a guy who's not, and I have seen stuff by him.
He probably is just a good guy and it's hard to dismiss him because he's not force feeding you.
It's hard to dismiss anybody when you're just, when you're not, no one wants to be messaged at.
In stand-up, I can't even do it.
My job is not to convert people.
I want you to know what my life is.
I hope you have some respect for it.
I'm just living the way I want to live.
And I'm not out to tell other people they have to feel this way.
Because no one wants to be messaged at.
If it was effective, I'd probably do it.
And maybe this is, again, because I'm in my 50s and I remember thinking the news was real and accurate.
Where he gets to know them individually.
And getting beyond, it's like we talked about before, anytime somebody is an asshole publicly, but when you meet them and you realize, oh, there's a person here.
It's the way people are supposed to communicate.
Yeah, I have to stop myself from doing it.
There's been times people have tweeted something and I want to make like a cunty remark.
And I'm like, shut up, dummy.
They're not talking to you.
Mind your fucking business.
I really do say that to myself.
Mind your business, you fucking hen.
Yeah, like I don't care what other people – like I care what people think about me in the sense that I want them to think I'm funny and I want them to – of course we all want to be liked.
But I don't care what people's opinions on the Middle East are.
And I don't need them to agree with mine.
Like I have enough confidence in my own brain that I am not always right, but I'm always comfortable in my opinions and I'm not afraid of somebody – I'm okay being wrong too.
Because I remember Walter Cronkite and all that shit.
Like I don't need the power of agreement from somebody.
But it's only because I've tried it in my life and it hasn't worked.
It doesn't make you happy when you get it.
And it's this constant sense of disappointment.
The special is called...
I kept forgetting the name and it's not a misspell.
The unconceivable is actually a word in English language and it does kind of fit.
And, uh, the podcast is Jim Norton can't save you.
Both are on at Jim Norton comedy at YouTube.
Um, and I'm really happy with this special.
Like I would say that anyway, I'm not going to come up here and shit on my own special.
I'm not that self-destructive, but I actually really was happy with this.
Like, they're really not what I... Like, I'm still an idiot who believes in, like, the adults and they're going to do the right thing.
And it just constantly is a confirmation that, yeah, they are.
They're fucking biased liars.
He just likes one ear open.
And Glenn Greenwald, I had never heard of him.
I don't really follow a lot of what people are saying.
But I obviously heard about him when that video came out.
I firmly believe that's some kind of like a childhood defense thing.
And I loved how he handled that.
Yeah, he handled it great.
Privacy invasions are so fucking disgusting.
They're disgusting when they're done to anybody.
I don't care how much you hate the guy's guts.
But I was like, I don't even know who this guy is, but I like how he addressed that.
Yeah, it's my private life and tough shit.
I like that he handled that, I thought, very, very...
Or you can't let them see you're ashamed.
Because I wake up just dipped in it.
That's the first thing I think of.
Yes, and if you tell them, like I did something, it's so, I watched, my special premiered and I went into YouTube and I watched it with people as they were watching and just commenting and talking and this horrible feeling of shame.
Like there was something fishy that happened in childhood where you want to just kind of somehow stay present.
Even when people are being nice, I can't get away from how embarrassed I am
It's almost like when people see you doing something, you're like, oh, Jimmy's trying.
Look at little Jimmy trying.
And I was typing back and everything, but it's so anti what feels good for me to do.
Even when people are being nice, I find it horrifying and humiliating.
I don't know where that comes from, but I kind of wish I didn't have it.
Yeah, somebody fumbled around.
It was so hard not to just attack myself in the chat.
Like, all I wanted to do was watch it and go, this fucking boo sucks.
Nice blinking 56-year-old.
I'm like, don't be a fucking, I think it was Jay Oakerson was doing something and he did his special and he shot it at Skank Fest one year.
And I think Louis took him out and they were looking at the stage before.
And I was one of those guys like, you know, Jay is just like, oh, he's a fucking, oh, fuck it.
I think Louis goes, you know, sometimes I know we're like that, but you just got to enjoy it.
Like once, and I thought of that, I'm like, sometimes just enjoy things are going okay.
When you have both ears covered, I just feel like I'm lost and I'm not in the room.
You're happy with what you did.
Don't put yourself in a position where you're like, you fucking suck.
It doesn't have to be that way.
But I spent a lot of time... I don't think I've ever loved anything as I put it out.
This I like more, but the older you get, the better you get, so it's a little easier now than it was.
And I guess I've gotten a little bit better with it, but just now I'm like, wow, I really can't hear.
The first Tonight Show I did was 2004, and I was out in L.A., and it was my buddy Joey Silvera, who worked for Evil Angel and would film a lot of the greatest porn.
Joey was a fucking... You'd recognize him if you saw him.
So I went to his house to watch my first Tonight Show with...
With another guy, this other guy, Brandon Iron.
And I went into the basement while they watched it.
I couldn't watch it in front of other people.
And it's not to be because I think I'm an artist.
It's fucking embarrassing.
Because I feel like people are like, are you going to laugh?
I don't want people to feel pressure to laugh.
Some guys can do it, though.
They are fucking psychopaths.
Do you know what mental illness you need to sit someone down next to you when you're special playing?
And you're like, I don't want to watch this.
It puts you in a weird – if I do an acting role, I don't love acting, which is great because nobody loves when I do it.
But if I do something I like, I have to see it first and I have to watch it and go, okay, I'm not embarrassed by this.
I can go and watch it in a premiere.
But I have to see it first to know if I'm going to feel humiliated or not.
The Irishman I didn't see first.
Obviously, Scorsese's not going to send me a fucking cut.
And I didn't know I made it until literally the night before.
But that was different because I'm like, I don't care how, whatever.
It was a stand-up performance.
Is it because everyone would talk to you?
I'm afraid no one's going to talk to me on the red carpet.
Do you know how embarrassing it is when you hear that person who walks you through in the front, and you're standing there ready for your moment, and you hear her going, oh, Jim Norton.
And then you'll hear her a second, and then she goes, Jim Norton.
They have no idea who I am.
When the headphones are on.
So I don't like doing it, man.
I have more tolerance for actors who love it because even though they're as big of attention idiots as we are, they don't get the constant feedback.
Yeah, I do, but it feels like I'm underwater sometimes.
For them, it's their night of feedback.
right whereas with us we're like I mean I've been on a run for like four nights before I came here actually at the cellar I had four like shit nights in a row just all the material I'm doing now is new so it's like I'm trying this and you know it just feels like you're frankensteining it it's not there yet
But I know I'm going to have another night and another night.
And that comes and goes quickly.
But actors, they have like one night to stand there and smile.
And then they just get attacked in the fucking in the comments or in the reviews.
So I'm a little more tolerant of them than comedians who because comedians who love that.
It's like, how much fucking attention do you need, dude?
And I stopped reading Twitter comments.
Occasionally I'll do it now.
And it wasn't just to say I wasn't reading them.
It was because even positive feedback, I'm like, you needy fuck.
How many taps on the shoulder do you need?
I just go for them like once a year.
How many like, good job, Jim, or you suck.
How much interaction from people do you need?
Although there's times like my algorithm – I'm obsessed with – I think we talk about just Japanese hornets and a lot of MMA.
Like my algorithm is healthier now.
I'm getting older, and I'm like, you know, I want to fucking make sure I'm good, like make sure there's no lumps or anything.
There's still a few things that will pop up that, you know, show what I've been looking at.
Like if my wife is next to me, she'll see what I'm looking at.
I'm like, oh, no, it's just, you know, you know how it is.
You go down the rabbit hole, you probably shouldn't go down.
But it's not as unhealthy as it would have been at one point.
Like a lot of it is just MMA stuff and animals and nice shit.
I like watching jujitsu tips because then I'll bring them in and ask the guy to show me.
Is it possible to do this?
And he'll kind of show me and I'll just forget it.
And they give you those shitty headphones, and I'm so claustrophobic.
Why do I think what I think?
And Hitchens did a great speech.
It was in Toronto about free speech.
And one of the things he was talking about is when somebody says something that you don't agree with.
I think the example he gave was Holocaust denial.
He goes, you have to protect that person's speech because if nothing else, it makes you examine, OK, well, how do I know what I know?
Yeah, I should have thrown it out, but I feel like if somebody put effort into it and gave it to me, just keep it.
How do I know other than someone told me?
Like you have to kind of examine how you come to your own conclusion.
I'm laying there, and I'm terrified.
Like in the shower, I'll just kind of stand there.
It's really like we all have a weird showering method.
I just kind of stand there with my hands like this.
And I just stand there and I think or I go through arguments or I go through conversations or debates.
And that's the one time I really get to think during the day where I don't let anything else interfere.
But being off social media is probably a lot healthier.
Just again, it's other people's thoughts.
I don't care what people think.
I don't know why I read it.
Being married prepares you for that.
And you get the real opinions.
You sense up in a room with a person.
to dislike or to caricature somebody when you've met them and when you've actually sat with them.
It's like, nah, I know this person.
I kind of felt their energy.
And it's like, they're just a regular person.
It's easy when you look at somebody to hate their guts.
And I've bashed a few people.
It was always so embarrassing.
And ONA never went into other people's studios, but I would.
And it was the fucking, I was in Boston with Kenny one time.
He's like, they're having you in, but you jocktobered them.
So I went in and, you know, you just go there like, yeah, you really, and I'm like, man, it was just something we do.
But you face it and you realize, yeah, they're nice guys.
It was just, it's a dumb radio show.
And I've actually become friendly with a couple of guys who we used to attack.
But you only get that through meeting somebody and actually talking to them one-on-one.
Yes, re-litigating what the jury has already confirmed.
And it's human instinct to do.
I also think sometimes people do it and they don't think you're going to see it.
Like, especially when you're, you know, you've such a high level of like recognition that if somebody, they're probably like, I'll never see this.
And I can just, and then you see it and they're probably like, oh, I shouldn't have said that.
But I've read things that hurt my feelings.
I'm like, why would you say that?
Because it reminds me of... I was leaving the Holland Tunnel with Karen Feehan.
We were doing a gig in Jersey.
And it was bumper to bumper.
And I came... You know, there was that merge where you think you're never going to get out of it.
And he goes, you hit my car.
And I'm like, I know I didn't hit his car.
But he made us, it was bumper to bumper.
I'm like, let's just talk on the other side of the tunnel.
Like, let's get out of this fuck, because I was going to be late for the gig.
And he goes, no, we're going to pull over and wait for the police.
So I'm like, oh, this piece of shit is trying to shake me down.
But I asked the guy, he goes, do you want music?
So we wound up, one of those awful traffic women was there.
You know, the people that just, they work for the city and they dress like cops, but they're not cops.
But if you assault one of them, it's like a big deal.
So we pulled over and I said, is it okay if we just trade licenses?
And she went, yeah, just trade licenses, which I think kind of shamed him into like letting us move on.
And I'm like, yeah, I'll have, I'm like, play rock.
Otherwise he was going to have me fucking held up there or pay him on that.
It was a merge, and if I did, it was a one-mile-an-hour bump, but there was no mark on his car at all.
I think the whole thing was a scam because we traded licenses, and I never heard from the guy.
I mean, it's terrible, and the best is when you have a dash cam, and then you see them.
They recognize the dash cam, and then they just scurry back into their cars.
And he was fucking like, he didn't speak English that well.
So he started playing the Rocky theme song over and over.
I actually bailed out and got out of the machine.
I think that's what I'm referring to.
They scurry back into the car and take off.
When I saw, like I'm so cynical, like people in Philly, you got a lot of people in Philly, like if a bus hits something, there's like locals that will just run up and just lay next to the bus like they were in the fucking accident, which is, I get it, you know what I mean?
But they forget that there's cameras everywhere and they can just see you walking up.
Because you couldn't hear the song anymore?
But this Air India plane crash, my first thought was that this guy, they said survived.
I'm like, oh, he's bullshitting.
No, I just was too freaked out.
Yeah, because he said his brother was on the plane or something.
And by the way, to all the people who are going to now look for 11A, stop.
If anything else, that's the last seat you should take.
Yeah, I wonder if the plane broke open and he just got... There's a woman who was a... I think she was a teenager when it happened.
I'm like, this guy's not hearing me.
It was called The Girl Who Fell From the Sky.
And she had apparently... They were like two miles up and the plane blew up, whatever, and it came apart.
I'm squeezing that fucking ball they give you.
No, she fell into the... What are they called?
The fucking... The Brazil rainforest.
She fell into the Amazon, was gone for 10 days.
Apparently, again, unless I was bullshit, they said she found an old boat with gas and she had to pour that on one of her wounds to kill the maggots.
And then she finally did get out and get rescued.
And I'm like, I'll go back in.
Did she hit, like, a mountain and slide?
Like, how do you... The impact, though, I don't know how you survived that impact.
He goes, no, we'll have to start over.
Because apparently in an MRI, you have to be in the same...
Because her memory's no good anymore after the plane crash?
Bit some guy selling fish on the corner and he went home and fucked somebody.
But there was another one too.
There was a flight attendant.
And again, who I think was trapped.
The front of the plane fell.
And I think that she was almost from 30,000 feet.
And if I remember correctly, it hit a mountain.
It was almost like she hit it on the right angle and slid.
So I just, I said, fuck it.
They did my whole body and they just, they couldn't finish with the brain.
I was just like, I'm done.
You don't want to look in there anywhere.
By the way, does that prove to you how little I know about the human body?
My instinct said that, oh, your heart slows down.
Like, I thought, like, oh, maybe it would slow your heart down when they bit you, and it does just the opposite.
I thought, like, maybe it slows your beat down like being frozen.
Maybe it stopped her heart from—maybe they got to her right after, too.
You ever watch that guy who fucking lets things bite him in the woods?
He's a psychopath, but his stuff is very entertaining.
But I think he's the bullet ant.
The bullet ant or the Japanese hornet was the worst.
Is that the one where they put in the gloves?
You see that one, the tribe where they do that and their hands are blackened by bites?
Yeah, I'm very squeamish.
I've never gotten over this insect.
There was a brother and sister when I was a kid.
We were all the same age.
I think she was a year older than me and him were.
And there was such a bizarre little friendship because they used to pee their pants, and I would ask them to sit on my face with their pants.
It was a lovely childhood in good old Edison.
Good old Edison, New Jersey.
But I saw him get stung by yellow jackets.
Watching a guy run with bees on his arms and screaming, I think that scarred me for the rest of my life with insects.
We used to break up bees nests, and I'll never forget the sight of this kid running.
I mean, Black Mirror did an episode of that where you're like... I love how they keep the technology simple, where you're just kind of scrolling through something, and they can see all the memories, and you'll eventually be able to do that.
With just three yellow jackets on his arm.
And that stuck with me for, I guess, 49 years now, 50 years.
Insects have a very weird effect on people.
Like to be so skeeved out by something.
Instead of like small bunnies don't bother you, but rats do.
Maybe it's in the DNA or something where it's supposed to bother you.
What's a, what's a, uh, phidiophobia snakes.
Yeah, the Bible does frown.
The snake and a bed wrap in the fucking Bible.
I can hold one if I know it's not going to.
Again, I have a healthy fear.
If I know it's a boa constrictor, like that guy in the Granite Village who walks around with a giant yellow one.
Which kind of creeps because if it was to really attack someone, I mean, I guess you'd have to kill it.
There's nothing you can do.
It's a large boa constrictor.
Yeah, eventually we'll have a hard drive in our head.
I can't, Annie Letterman has a lot of snakes.
Like she has them as pets and her fiance has them.
They have a bug, a room full of fucking snakes.
I'm like, they're not warm.
They don't have any recognition of you.
I guess, but we have a puppy and I've never owned a dog before.
And it's like, it's nice to have, I don't like taking care of anything.
I fucking, I don't have that instinct in me.
But this dog kind of, I get why people like having a dog.
I would absolutely link up... I think we talked about this last time, but Ray Kurzweil, who talks about singularity, I still think his time frame is wishful thinking.
It is crazy how nothing registers halfway through the gravel pile.
We went to North Shore Animal Rescue.
Actually, Beth Stern helped me.
I met her through Whitney.
But she's huge there and has great connections and helped us get a very nice little... What is it?
I thought it was a Cavapoo.
I didn't know what the fucking kind of dog was.
It's like one of those things where it's like a bread dog.
It's a Cavalier and a Poodle, I think.
He thinks by like 2045, right?
I mean, it was like this big when we took it home.
My dog photographs like shit, though.
I never put up pictures of my dog.
He's a sweetheart, but he looks like a fucking wig and a hamper.
I can't humiliate an ugly fucking dog I have in pictures.
But in person, he's great.
But I never post pictures.
He'll be in his, like, 90s, so I think he's just trying to hope it happens before.
He's just kind of sitting there.
He looks like he's fucking homeless, like some homeless guy's dog.
But I love having him, but the shitting in the house is very difficult.
I think that's when I first got him.
But you see, he looks a little like a Cavapoo.
But as he's gotten older and his hair's gotten longer... Has he gotten shitty looking?
But he photographs fucking terribly.
Let me see a bad picture of your dog.
On my Instagram, I think I put up a video recently, and the screen grab, I tried to find the cutest screen grab, and I just couldn't.
Maybe if I saw him, I'd think he's adorable.
I can guarantee you're going to go, like, he might be great in person.
But I would never classify this as a cute dog.
It's not opening because of... But I'll find it.
Oh, there's no cell phone signal in here.
That's actually not that bad.
That's actually a very nice one.
Look at the little blue bow.
Yeah, somebody in the house really mowed him up.
Yeah, that's a nice picture, but typically photographs very poorly.
But he won't stop shitting in the house.
I can't... Well, you live in an apartment?
We put him on the terrace, and she'll go out there with him, and she walks him.
It's like, it's your dog.
I don't want to fucking... You know what I mean?
Again, I don't have that instinct.
I'm happy you have him and you love him, but...
He just won't stop shitting in the house.
I'm getting to a point where like I like this is why I didn't want a fucking dog.
I can't handle dog shit in my house.
I heard that I'm debating.
Do I pay for someone to come in and just.
First of all, I'm not qualified to own a big one.
I don't know how people own Mastiffs.
And you can't get insurance for them.
That's what made me, like, if you have a Doberman or a Rottweiler or a Pit, you can't get insurance, homeowner's insurance.
So if somebody gets bit, you're fucked.
And that's what scared me about those dogs.
I became a little obsessed with those Caucasian shepherds.
Like I want to pet one of those things or those.
That's a big giant fucking thing.
It comes up like 200 pounds.
But something like that I would love to spend a moment with or go someplace and play with it.
And Russian prisons, I think.
I've seen footage of Russian prisons where they have them around the perimeter.
There's a fence in between freedom and the jail, and they kind of keep them in there.
I wonder what their temperament is like.
Somebody just threw adjectives up there.
You ever see those, what are they called?
They look like giant pit bulls.
They're gorgeous dogs, but again, they're- Hyper aggressive.
My wife's obsessed with it, which is irritating because she literally will just talk to it.
Was he, is it him or Charles Dutton who did time in jail for murder?
I don't want to get sued, but I think it was Charles Dutton or him that actually, before they were actors, went to jail.
I just don't remember if it was Ving Rhames or Charles Dutton.
And so I'm like, all right, let me try it and see.
He was one of those guys that had like a really interesting backstory.
I wonder if that happened.
But it's great if you get an error message on your computer.
Like, what does fucking error 1101 mean?
You wonder if they were trying to wake him up or trying to pull him somewhere or if they were attacking.
Because you're right, if they don't bite the face, what's the purpose of what would they do?
Yeah, like, what's he doing?
Well, there was speculation after Siegfried and Roy, when Roy got dragged off.
And then you add it and it actually tells you in a very comprehensive way what that error message means.
I don't know what's true or not.
Did the thing bite his head, or was it actually trying to save him?
I know Roy Horn died, I think.
Is that where, with Tom Papa was in it?
It's better than Googling something.
Who played Scott Thorson.
Oh, he played Scott Thorson in Matt Damon.
That's the last person I would want to look like.
I go to a surgeon and say anything but this.
Is that a power thing or is it a fucking... It's a very bizarre...
You're going to look like me.
Tom Papa had a part in this.
But, I mean, it's good for looking things up.
Right now I'm just using it as a better Google, but when I attach it to my brain...
How many winks do you hear in the piano key?
What a weird time it was back then.
Dude, there's a video of him too on Instagram where it was in the 60s when he was trying to get with the, he was trying to like, you know, be with the movement man.
And it was like something about something groovy.
And it's just him on a piano with all of these like, like, you know, 20 year olds just trying so hard to get the kids.
I think it's in the, it looks like it's like 1967.
Because I was in it the other day, and it said we detected suspicious activities, and they wanted me to log in.
At least he's dressed for the occasion.
Maybe because I had a VPN or something.
Because in Texas, you can't jerk off without a fucking VPN.
Like, yeah, I'm just here to get some puss.
This is like the acid days.
But it's so crazy that this was actually probably not meant to be shitty and ironic, but it was meant to be like, yeah, he's this cool guy getting with the scene.
He's getting with the scene, man.
They want your license to watch porn.
A long like orange, like almost like Shakespeare sleeve type of shirt.
I want to say in the 50s.
Yeah, I don't think it was in the 1940s.
I mean, it was in the 50s.
Hitler broadcasted, but that must have been in the 40s.
There was, because in the movie Contact where they show you that Hitler broadcast, which they say was like one of the first.
He broadcasted on the radio or on television?
Yes, and the Japanese, you know, they show you...
And it's also one of those things where I get you don't want your kids to watch porn.
And the brave American troops smiling, yeah.
Before Gleason did Cavalcade.
I think it was called Cavalcade.
It was like when the Honeymooners debuted and you would do Reginald Van Gleason.
But that's definitely not the first one.
I Love Lucy was probably the same time or before that.
It was harder when I was a child to get you to find magazines in the woods.
But I meant the smell of those old shitty magazines and find them and fucking hot.
I'm going to assume it was definitely late 60s.
And the fact that people just didn't know he's a flaming homosexual.
I guess there wasn't enough gay people publicly, so everyone didn't recognize.
People knew when you spoke a certain way that you could be, but I guess that wasn't the voice that everybody recognized.
But now if I had it on my phone or I had the availability, I mean, my sex addiction would have been even worse.
Well, everybody hid it, too.
To being gay in North Korea.
Like, how do those guys fucking, what signal do you give when you know the other guy's not working for the state?
I'd still like to kind of go there.
I would, yeah, just because they say there's all those fake storefronts and all of those, or stores that are just for the tourists that come through, that they have all those fake stores that people- Do they get a lot of tourism?
I mean, they get enough, like through China.
These companies will go through China, and every country doesn't have the negative relationship that we do with them.
So I guess I get why they want to protect kids.
So I would kind of like to go, but I wouldn't trust it after that Otto Warminger.
Sorry, Otto, for taking a propaganda poster.
It would be very scary to go, but I really kind of want to.
They have that giant building.
It's like a 1,000-foot-tall hotel or building that is just kind of half empty, like it never was finished.
They light it up at night, so it looks like they have a big downtown.
But North Korea has like a 1,000-foot-tall building.
And you're not supposed to film a lot of this stuff.
These guys take really, really like clandestine footage.
You're allowed to film in certain areas, but I think your phone you had to leave at the border when you come in.
Yeah, they said that if there's a picture of Kim Jong-un or Kim Jong-il, you have to be respectful and you stand in front of the pictures to take your photo.
And they just rat on each other.
I guess when you're seen as a god and everybody just cosigns it, you don't know how bad of a liar you are.
You don't know how badly you're presenting because everybody is just, oh my god.
Kim Jong-un has no idea that people look at him and go, that's not real.
No, they would... I guess people will sneak in thumb drives and stuff like that.
They catch you, you're fucking... But you know Saad Messeni?
He's from Afghanistan and he ran... I think it was called the Mobi Group in Afghanistan.
But they would go next to the Iranian border and pipe in...
uh like american tv shows and they would illegally send them over the border to try to get people like a little bit westernized or to at least see things a little bit differently but it's an illegal feed you're just shooting it over somehow and you know hoping they don't kill you hoping they don't kill you yeah speaking of kill you uh what's that said speaking of kill you in iran
Oh, because they wanted to get those nuclear sites out of there.
There's certain sites, and I never promote the site just because it's just too gruesome, but there's one site I go to where you can do everything.
Grok is kind of Twitter's AI.
How influenced is it by, like, a chat GPT I've gone to, and I was kind of curious because my wife's obsessed with it.
So I was like, I think this is probably still ideologically influenced.
So other people have done this.
I put in, write five jokes about Jesus.
And it did five Jesus jokes.
And then I put in, write five jokes about Muhammad.
And it came back with, well, we like to keep things respectful.
And I did the same thing with write five jokes about white people and then write five jokes about black people.
And it did the same thing.
It wrote the white person jokes, but the black people jokes it wouldn't write.
So I was like, oh, okay, this is still...
There's guardrails, and it's ideologically slanted.
It may not always be that way.
So I'm wondering if Grok is the same way.
Is any answer it gives you almost like coming from either somebody at PBS or somebody from someplace else?
There'd be headings, and I would look at this stuff before bed, and I don't know why.
I don't know what happened where people become so afraid of like, I know truth can be unpleasant sometimes, but like where it goes to that level.
Like we will write jokes about Jesus, but not about Muhammad.
Who's programming that and thinks that's a good thing?
I'd almost respect them if they said they were scared.
We all understand what goes on.
We don't want somebody running in with a bomb belt.
Like, you know, there's violent retribution.
I would respect that, but they won't say that.
They act like you're crazy for questioning.
I wouldn't enjoy seeing it, but I would look at it, and it just gives you some kind of a weird, horrible feeling.
I feel better about myself, though, the older I get.
Yeah, I years ago said it and knew it was getting worse and worse.
And like, I was never stupid enough to think it didn't exist.
So I kind of like, yeah, well, if nothing else, it validates what I kind of thought, you know, I mean, like, I feel like I wasn't a fucking idiot.
I'm not taken off guard by it.
Yeah, not necessarily to this level.
But, you know, when you saw this happening and then that happening, and then little weird things like Donald Sterling, that one always bothered me.
His private communications being used against him.
He was the owner of the Golden State Warriors.
And it was almost like he was like, I don't think he was a hateful old guy, but he was just like an old guy.
Like, you know what I mean?
Don't hang out with blacks.
But there's certain things I can't watch at this point.
The invasion of... Even if he's a piece of shit, I don't care about him.
It's the idea that people are comfortable...
Like, nobody sticks up for privacy.
Like, everyone complains about, we don't want the government.
And it's like, hey, motherfuckers, where were you when this guy or stupid Hunter Biden's big dick is all over the internet?
Where were you complaining about it?
You just judged him on it.
So I wish people would stop doing that.
Like, I can't watch people burning anymore.
He's a wild boy, but I guess, you know, you're smoking crack.
did anything that Hunter did, they would kill him.
Yeah, yeah, at one point, oh, burning for all the race.
It would be at the front page.
It's all they would talk about.
I can't watch them anymore.
And guys like Jack from Twitter have come out and said like, yeah, we shouldn't have –
Yeah, but it's like too late now.
It's like you did it people were telling you when you did it You shouldn't do it Zuckerberg talked about it on this podcast.
And the penalty for not taking it down would have been like, were they threatening them with like Section 230 is a big one that all the big companies are scared of.
It was, it got to a point where I could, I can't see beheadings anymore.
Like if they change that because they said that I think the Internet freedom comes from Section 230, where a company can't be held legally liable for what's posted on their site, which is how like you can post anything about people online.
And the sites themselves can't get sued because they're like, yeah, we're just like a phone company.
Although it's not anymore.
It's much more ideologically based and it's much more of a publisher, in my opinion, than a public square.
But maybe they threaten you with that or maybe that's where they start to go.
Like, we'll see to it that 230.
Like there was a point where I could watch them and just almost watch detached.
But what else could they threaten them with?
Do you remember the journalist?
Are you looking for underage people being photographed or are you looking at just people who – they can always expand what they consider to be illegal.
I mean they took Backpage down so they can get certain – like if you don't do what they want you to do, there is a way for them to get you by saying you're too complicit in certain activities.
He was like the first, but the cameraman panicked.
And kind of came off him a little bit.
Well, because you're probably afraid that they're going to come with something else.
Like, it's almost like- You don't want to put it in their face.
That's why whenever somebody's exonerated after 30 years of being in jail, they're like, I'm not even angry.
I just want- Because you're afraid you're going to say the wrong thing, and then you go, all right, we're going to come back.
And so they didn't, it was kind of, they showed it.
But that was the first one.
And then that guy they called Jihad John, who was like, because he was British.
Yeah, Letitia James went after him really badly in New York.
It turns out she had done some shit.
A little bank stuff going on.
She did some inappropriate things.
But whether people like him or not, I don't always agree with him at all.
But he's an amazing person.
Like, to have withstood that, the pressure of that.
And they eventually caught him.
Again, just to continue with the pressure that they were putting on him and the way they were coming after him and to still run again.
I mean, it's the fucking craziest thing you're ever going to see in your life.
And they shot him and the guy was going to do it again.
And a fucking, oh yeah, the guy with the hole in the fence where his golf course was.
But it's like, and somebody pointed out to me, it's like, I mean, I'm surprised he doesn't expect this.
I forget the other people he did, but it was like certain contractors and stuff that they would put in those orange jumpsuits to mimic Guantanamo.
It's like he went after them.
Like he went after the CIA and the FBI.
It's like they're going to make it their life's work to come after you now.
It is a little or very scary when you're on there.
Like you never want them to dig in and be focused on you.
Because, again, they don't pay legal fees.
They can do it through the next administration.
Because Letitia Jay, what I didn't like about her was a lot.
But I didn't like the fact that they went after Cuomo for his book money.
They went after Andrew Cuomo for his book money, I think.
I don't know what her reasoning was.
I mean, obviously, she just wanted to stick it to him and fuck him.
And they would just gruesome shit, man.
But I think it was that it was seen as some form of a government payment or...
I don't remember the technicality, but I remember being very annoyed that she was trying to go after, I think it was a $5 million advance.
And nobody – again, it's like with Donald Sterling and privacy.
I hope you explained where it came from.
Nobody sticks up for each other on principle.
And the conservatives don't do it.
They've got the free speech thing in their corner now much more than progressives do.
But it's like I don't hear them sticking up for progressives who are annoying.
You have to stick up for people you don't like and that you think are shit.
You're not a big free speech warrior if you only fucking raise a flag for people who agree with you.
I don't know what it does.
And I find them falling into that trap.
And it's like, don't fall into that fucking trap.
Stick up for progressives who suck and who are saying stupid things.
Defend their right to say it without getting in trouble.
Don't look at them getting fired as, well, good case of your own medicine.
But then that's how they justify you getting fired.
So it drives me crazy that people don't defend other people's right to privacy or right to say what they want.
And everyone in the country thinks they're a free speech absolutist, but they're not.
Elon's as close as I've seen.
He doesn't seem to be shutting anybody up regardless of what they say on his platform.
People are talking shit about him every day.
I saw one person was alluding to bad things happening to him, you know, like wanting that, or I wouldn't say encouraging it, but close to encouraging it.
And I'm like, if he's leaving that up, nobody has any room to complain.
Like if he leaves up horrible shit about himself, then... And Buddy also left up the Kanye song.
Is that where he blew his cousin, or is that a different one?
It is crazy, and I don't know Kanye West at all.
I've never particularly loved him.
I find a lot of it is just like he'll just say the most troll.
Something tells me he's going to come back down to Earth one day and go, look, I was off my medication.
I didn't mean any of that shit that I said.
I think he's going to stay off his medication.
I was going to say, I understand that in a way because I've, I've always liked, you know, you go through your pressure, whatever.
I'm like, do I want to go on something?
But I've always been scared that it would fuck up my creativity.
It also he's the only person he went into him and Trump were he was in Trump's office one time.
And he's the only person I've ever seen Trump just kind of sit there and go, all right, well, whenever he's finished, I'll jump in.
I like watching I can still watch car accidents Because it's tangible like a car accident is a tangible thing like if you if you're not careful right you drive like an asshole This is what happens to you
I've never seen anyone do that to Trump.
It was about the Taylor Swift thing.
It wasn't even that harsh of an instance.
And I think somebody heard it or it was picked up on a mic.
I don't think he said it to be public.
I thought he said it privately.
And then somebody got the audio or whatever.
And it wasn't even said with real malice.
Yeah, it was just like, he's a jackass.
I guess that would annoy me if I was him.
But at what point do you, because everyone has a Joe Rogan opinion.
Everyone weighs in on you.
I see you on the Daily Mail all the time.
At what point are you able to go, I just don't give a fuck.
I've had comics say that, like they just don't know.
And I'm like, you don't really, you really never paid attention.
I mean, he stuck up for gay marriage.
Like it's crazy when you hear, I was very jealous that you, and I talked to Hinchcliffe about this when you interviewed Magnus.
Magnus Carlsen Carlsen yeah there's very few people I really want to meet that I haven't met but he's somebody you see him like bang the chessboard that was like big news in chess yeah yeah yeah cause he made a fumble he fucked up he was ahead of the game he was winning yeah made a blunder and it was but here's the genius of the people like they actually call it like a sport and the people watching it knew he fucked up which means they're all geniuses Magnus blundered Magnus blundered
They couldn't believe he had made that.
I think it was a rook move.
But he's somebody I would like to, I don't know what I'd talk to him about.
So I try not to text and drive anymore.
I remember one time I was doing a gig and I was in full sex addict mode.
And I mean just in your brain as a person, like if they're a little whatever.
If they're rude, they're rude.
But if somebody's a little quirky or weird, if you're that good at something, that might just be the price you pay.
Like Bobby Fischer, I love.
He's one of my favorite people ever, even though he completely went berserk.
But I have such an affection for Bobby Fischer, and I'm like, he's such a genius that sometimes there's a price you pay.
I think it's funny, because when you said that, I was like, who gave that to you?
And fucking Sam Roberts, he was still an intern at that point, came with me because Kenny was busy.
And it is weird to like because to be better than everybody at something.
It's I mean, like if you ever talk to somebody at a party, just what our life is doing stand up and they're talking about their job.
A lot of times I'm like, oh, shut the fuck.
So to be that on such a level better than everyone on earth at something, it's got to be hard not to live in that place where very few things are interesting, very few things are moving.
So Sam came to help me sell merchandise.
Like Buzz Aldrin, he snapped at me when we interviewed him.
He's a bit of a cranky guy.
Is that what he said to you?
I asked him a question, a good question about his book.
I asked him about space travel and I said about what type of psychological testing would you maybe need to go on a three-year space trip.
He fucking snapped at me.
But again, like Regan had a bit about him walking on the moon and it's like when you've gone there,
I think I, did I let him, I drove, but he was in the passenger seat and I was just dirty talk texting the whole way home because I couldn't text and drive because he was in the car.
It's almost like anything else and I took it by the way because it was buzz I wasn't gonna yell at him.
It's fucking buzz Aldrin.
Yeah, whatever I'm an annoying blinking idiot asking a question that I think sounds smart and he just shut me up But like how do you find other people interesting when you're that guy right when you've done that?
Maybe my question was just banal and stupid
Well, the worst is people who think they're that guy and who are just...
And you think you're doing Shakespeare.
Every comic, we all have a narcissistic quality.
You need that to be in front of people.
That's a narcissistic quality.
But there's a difference between that and being a legit narcissist.
And the way comics are very petty about guys.
He's just out there doing his act in front of fucking 20,000 people.
And I was like, I can't get fucking, I can't be texting some woman and kill the intern.
It's always a guy who is doing better, who they feel I'm entitled.
That's one thing I'll say for myself, and I have a lot of faults, but I've always put the blame squarely where it belongs on me.
I never think it's the world.
But I don't do that because I want people to compliment me either.
That would just be a loss waiting to happen.
I'm never out there going, gee, guys, am I fat?
But it's the guys who think like I I wouldn't watch and I don't know Matt I just I went and watched some of his clips.
I'm like he's funny He's just doing crowd work like what's the problem?
So it's like the texting and driving thing I've kind of backed off of.
What they're getting, what they're doing, it's the feeling of entitlement.
If I was bitter about every person that used to open for me that passed me, I'd be on a comedy club roof with an AR-15.
You have to learn to live with it and go, yeah, you know what?
I recognized people that were funny.
I like funny people, and I was right about certain people.
They're really good comics.
It's that sense of entitlement that guys get that drives me fucking crazy.
But I see them attacking certain people doing well, and I'm like, they always did it to Carrot Top, even though he's actually funny.
And I watched him, like on Kill Tony, there's a clip of him, and they're pulling out these things, and like, gay mouse, it was a disco ball over a mousetrap, and it was so stupid.
But it really is funny stuff.
I connected my phone to a BMW X6.
Comedians think all props are bad, or all...
And me and Colin talked about that one time, and he goes, why should the hacks own McDonald's?
Meaning, if you have something that's original and funny to say about a subject, who cares if hacks have touched it?
If your thought is original, fuck them.
And it's this weird thing where comics think they sound smarter if they go after certain things.
My girlfriend at the time, my ex-girlfriend, came with me to the dealership, and the guy is telling me, oh, you should connect your phone.
I actually started taking days off.
Um, and my wife and I will go on vacation somewhere.
We'll do, because it becomes where you're feeding on yourself.
Like you're only doing ABCD ABC and there's no life.
And I'm like, what am I going to fucking talk about?
You were at Newark airport.
So I, I just wanted to do more life things.
A cause it's fun to do, but B it's like just, I allowed myself to, cause I'm like, you can at least talk about it on stage.
It's not, you can't just talk about,
being a comic or you're, I'm almost too much talking about myself.
I want to start talking about other things.
I just feel like the only thing I'm really qualified to discuss in my own life, but I kind of want to talk about other shit, too, because life is kind of stable now.
And I do, and my fucking phone book, my contact list comes up.
I don't know what to do with that.
I don't know how to handle, you know what I mean, like not being out and being crazy and fucking riding around for four hours a night with a piss cup in my car.
I mean, it was just, it was ugly.
It was a fucking ugly scene show.
That's what I did when ONA were kicked off the air.
I would ride around and just fucking just ride around for four hours a night.
I couldn't listen to any comedy.
I couldn't because I was in such a fucking depression.
I would put on Sports Radio 660, Joe Beningo overnight.
He was a guy on 660, 240 on fan, and he was a Jet fan, and he was a fucking maniac.
But I would listen to him complain about the Jets or Art Bell.
I fell in love with Art Bell.
Ah, I didn't even notice that.
Yeah, he's on the wall now.
That's how I heard about Michio Kaku was from him.
And I tell you, he lived in my building in New York, Michio Kaku.
So I would listen to Art Bell and I would listen to Joe Benigno and just look at hookers all night.
Pissing a cup and I would fucking ride around and it was just my my way of and go to bed wake up Maybe eight hours later and go do tough crowd when I was on it was a real crazy fucking time Yeah, when a got pulled that was that was an interesting moment of censorship right like that homeless guy came on and said terrible things about Condoleezza Rice and
and one of the girls you know i put where how i knew her and it was like a domination fantasy so that came up her name and domination fantasy came up on that little window in the x6 and i'm like i'll never connect anything to my car again there's just just too much going on just change the name i mean i mean how much time do i have to go back and change all the names change the name to like personal trainer
And the queen of, no, that's a different, when we got fired was for Sex for Sam.
But the company had signed off on the bit.
Like I got why they were mad, but they had signed off.
The company knew what was going on.
So ONA could have survived that if the company didn't panic.
Throw them under the bus.
Like regular radio is what saved their career because when XM suspended the show for a month, we were on KROQ at that time.
And they kept us on for the month.
So then eventually we came back to Satellite a month later.
It's the first time in 20 years.
I get up at like 9 now and just go to the gym, so I have some kind of schedule.
But it's very weird after 20 years to be gone from that gig.
Yeah, you've been on radio forever.
It's been more than 20 years, hasn't it?
Well, it was 20 on this run.
But when did the ONA start?
ONA I did in like 2001, 2002.
We got fired, came back on October of 04, and my contract expired the end of December of 24.
So it was about 22 years total.
You know I mean and it was some of the wildest moments ever like the baby bird that I'll never see anything crazier than that in my life and never Yeah, yeah, he died recently huh Pat from monarchy.
fucking Pat Duffy who was such a psycho he was like okay he would do anything he brushed his teeth with cat shit I thought it was dog shit but you might be right but I'm gonna say Pat Duffy was a fucking fucking psycho he was like a marine if interns had that he was a seal he was a seal fearless fearless he was funny he didn't give a fuck he got it he was great
the code word it doesn't have to be I got busted one time talking dirty I was texting dirty and the girl the escort's name came up on my phone and it was like one of those names that cannot be like a regular person so I ran my girlfriend was fucking screaming at me in the car she's like who the fuck
Yeah, because we're in K-Rock.
That's the K-Rock studio right there.
Do you ever see The Meaning of Life, Monty Python?
When the guy, a wafer-thin mint monsieur, and he starts vomiting, get me a bucket, I'm going to throw up.
That's what he reminds me of, because he's not moving.
He's standing there, and his mouth opens, and the vomit just shoots.
Dude, usually you retch, and you move, but he just opened his mouth, and it was like a button got pushed, and it fucking shoots.
It's the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
I mean, he was just great.
I mean, just a psychopath singing, you light up my life with a fucking AR-15.
He would do it on weekends.
If he didn't interfere with the show, it was like he would just go and fuck around.
is that and I'm like it's fucking Anthony I'm like I have a code word for Anthony in case I ever lose my phone so I had to run up into the bathroom and just like my fingers were shaking and change it to Anthony and I came in 15 minutes later I'm like see it's Anthony but it was by then it was like you blew it Jim you got caught so I don't connect anything even though I don't I'm not you know fucking anybody else I still don't I don't trust it I don't I don't connect anything to my car
That was how the Anthony Weiner dick photo got out.
That was from Opie and Anthony.
That was, we had Vincent D'Onofrio in studio, and we had Andrew Breepart.
And, because I had met Breepart doing Red Eye on Fox, so they both came in and we were talking, and the pal talk window was open, and apparently I didn't, like, Andrew had the picture of Anthony Weiner's dick.
And I forgot he was in something about Mary.
So he showed us in studio.
We just looked at it on the phone.
I didn't, but apparently Anthony held it up to the
Pal Talk window and showed them and somebody grabbed it.
And that was how that photo got out.
But Breitbart got mad at me, and he's like, I was friends with Jim Norton, and he told this to Elliot Spitzer on his show, and he goes, and he betrayed me.
I was doing Tom Papa's fucking podcast.
He thought I set him up, but I really didn't.
And I saw him years later in L.A., and I explained it to him, and he was very cool.
I was happy because right before he died.
I was happy that I got to tell him, dude, that wasn't me at all.
Did they whack Andrew Brevard?
No, because they would have crashed the site.
I mean, he was doing coke, right?
Wasn't it an overdose or something?
I think he had a heart attack.
Oh, it was a heart attack.
I thought it was... Here, I'm just starting rumors.
He was doing coke, right?
Yeah, but they didn't crash the site.
Did the site change after he was gone?
No wonder I was enjoying myself so much.
Yeah, I didn't notice either, but when Liberace winks, you have to hear it in both ears.
I didn't know that, but I felt bad about that.
Well, who do you think put up the Opie and Anthony Homeless Charlie audio?
It was before I knew him.
But that's where it went up on Breitbart.
And the headline was, will this crash, will this stop the merger between Sirius and XM?
So that was why they reacted.
Because they were afraid.
I think people in regular radio wanted to stop that merger.
They were terrified of it.
So I think they pushed that story hoping that it would fucking tank the merger, which of course it did not.
You remember those days when you first went over there?
I'll tell you one thing about Sirius.
Even though I didn't like the way my time there ended, I wish that was handled a little bit better.
But I guess everybody who leaves a gig wishes things were handled differently.
They never once fucked with me about content.
They never came for me and goes, hey, man, that thing you talked about, could you not?
Even long into where everybody was getting canceled and in trouble, Sirius never came and asked me not to say something.
Jim McClure, who ran the channel, never broke my balls about jokes we did or a stance we would take.
It was serious, and we were at XM, and he was at Sirius, and that was the giant get was Howard going over.
Yeah, I sold my serious stock.
So whatever happens I Did I was happy it spiked up to like seven and I fucking dumped were you allowed to sell while you were working there?
Nobody can't nobody asked you stock you bought I bought it I bought it years before when I thought they're gonna go bankrupt
uh we bought a little bit but i was that's when i talked about the lawsuits when i was getting sued so i didn't buy as much because paying for lawyers um but yeah they tried to cut me like an unreasonable amount and so we were still negotiating and then they just go oh yeah we're not going to renew they waited till christmas break and they were not going to renew so i was like all right i guess i get why they did that but but it's got to be weird when you're over there and you know that stern is getting hundreds of millions of dollars and everybody else is like you know they're just pinching pennies with people
Which is literally one of the funniest movies ever made.
I never minded that and really didn't care because I only cared about what I was getting.
And when I saw what they gave certain podcasters that went over there, I'm like, okay, they do have the money.
So if they're choosing not to give it to me, I have to just accept that.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, I never knew what Opie and Anthony made.
I still, to this day, don't know what their salary was.
You know, they were the brand.
It was like they took me in, so I never cared what they got.
I never felt entitled to their money.
And I never asked what they made.
Even when me and Opie did a show, I never said, what's he making?
Like, they gave me a raise, but I didn't... I don't look at money like that.
Like, I have to know what you're making.
Because it's like... Yeah.
So whatever Howard made, I'm sure some of it was inflated, but like...
That's why I was bummed about the way it happened.
I'm like, because we did a talk show.
Maybe they were just like, ah, we can put more money into the rest of the channel if Jim goes.
I haven't noticed any change in my life, which is great because I'm on the road more making money on the road.
It's weird not having it.
It's weird not knowing that it's there.
It hasn't affected anything, but the knowledge that that income was going to be there is gone.
So it's kind of a weird, naked feeling.
I'm on the road more now.
I'm doing extra road work.
And the special was one of those things where...
I wanted to do one anyway, but I shot it in November, and before we even came back from break, I had my channel set up.
I had already started doing episodes.
I'm not sitting and waiting.
It's not going to take me a year.
I'm just going to get up, and if it takes me a year to get moving, fine, but I'm going to start now.
Well, I mean, I kind of saw that coming.
I mean, I almost, they had cut me the year before a little bit.
And he's like, I didn't even know that that was possible.
But again, I'm not unreasonable.
But I'm like, you know what?
My wife had just come to the States.
I'm like, I want to make sure I have money for lawyers, whatever.
And then I told my manager, they're going to cut me by this much, guaranteed.
And they almost to the dollar offered me what I predicted.
So we pushed back and tried to negotiate, and they acted like they were negotiating, and then...
The day of Christmas break, like when we were off the air for two weeks, I got the call like, yeah, we're not going to.
Is that the one that they got caught using in the defense chat?
So they were just kind of, I think, keeping it going until that.
But I don't have any bad, I truly don't.
Like they bought me two apartments.
I had a great life there.
I fucking, I broadcast it for 20 years.
It's time to move on anyway.
I think I remember you talking to me, I mean, 2017, around even before then about podcast.
I wasn't allowed to podcast because of my contract.
And I think that was one of the sticking points with this one.
I was like, I have to be able to do my own podcast, especially if I'm taking a cut.
And I'll just eat shit for a while until it gets where I want it to go.
Was it on purpose or do you think it was one of those things where you fuck up and you just like, you know how you'll send something and a predictive text name comes up and you just hit, like if I'm going to text you and I accidentally J-O and all of a sudden it's Joe DeRosa comes up.
And it's like I think that they kind of they handled podcasting in a way that terrestrial radio handled satellite, which was, you know, it's not a big deal.
And then get involved with it or somehow embrace it.
But a little bit later in the in the game.
But I mean, they have some big podcasts.
I mean, like, again, I don't call her daddy.
And when I realized the money they gave her.
Again, I don't begrudge her at all.
Whatever you make, you make, and it's got nothing to do with my salary.
But I realize they do have the money.
So if they're choosing not to, I have to just fucking accept that.
You know, you want people to just to stumble on it or to go.
I heard this thing about about this thing today.
I want to go look at it right now.
They don't have to sign up for something.
Yeah, it's kind of silly.
It's great to see, too, like, I don't know if Schultz, I'm sure he does get the credit, but, like, Dane deserves a lot of credit because of the social media.
I'm like, God damn, I wish I was in that.
And I think Dane, history has kind of forgotten about what, like, he did a lot to change the way we promote.
That fucking thing of just turn your phone this way now.
Like, it revolutionized the way comedians put out clips.
How do you include a reporter in that?
Yeah, and his stand-up is funny.
He did something on jokes that only work in Hawaii.
That's a terrible mistake.
It's in an arena, and he's fucking murdering the way you murder in a club.
But it's like they're all new jokes just for Hawaii.
And it was like, God damn, it's really funny.
I wish I had one line in that movie.
That doesn't make any sense.
But I was happy to see somebody doing something really creative as opposed to blinking their way through Chip Chipperson on a fucking TBS show.
My ex-publicist was bad-mouthing me to somebody, and she actually sent it to me by mistake.
We do what we have to to survive.
You understand it's the bane of my existence.
I can't do anything without being called a sock cucka and fucking peck a kisser.
In the live chat today, it's all Chip.
Hey, when's Chip coming back?
It's all people love and hate Chip.
Like when Anthony would come on, it was like the best.
We did a few live, did three live shows with it.
And it was fucking amazing.
There were theater shows and the crowds.
It sold better than I do, which is absolutely humiliating.
I sold tickets faster as Chip than Jim Norton.
Jim Norton, there's still a giant curtain.
But I do miss doing it, but I don't miss getting guests.
Now I have one podcast to do.
I love doing it, but I still hate saying, hey, could you film more?
The co-host I was using most recently was Zia.
And she would do a lot of the behind-the-scenes work for me.
And she would help reach out to people and coordinate.
But I ultimately had to ask.
It was one of those things if I wanted a comedian on.
One time Nick DiPaolo came on.
It was one of those things where we weren't working together anymore.
And he was sitting across.
And Chip gave us all sailor hats.
And we were all wearing sailor hats.
It's like Ted Bundy would talk about himself in the third person.
Cause he's not proud of it.
So I would, I would always, we, we had on these sailor hats.
And I was doing Neil Brennan's podcast.
I remember Nick was talking to me and we were having fun, but it was the way he was like looking like he was looking at Jim as he was talking and he didn't say he was, he played along, but I was like, Oh, Oh, that's like, yeah.
Yeah, I fucking I just had a Nick stare at me and I knew he was seeing his friend Jim with a wig on a wig and glasses But I do miss it made me laugh To do it, but people would just be too annoying about like go get this guys get that go they would complain It's like oh, I made zero money doing it.
And like, you know, blocks where you talk about all these things that blocked.
Here's why I didn't made a meeting on YouTube I didn't realize that I shouldn't have had the word fuck in the theme song
Jamie Jaster from fucking Hatebreed sang the theme song, and it was, Chip has a fucking, but literally that automatically fucks you for monetization, and I had no idea, so all of my episodes had fuck in the first five seconds.
I never made any money doing Chip.
A few hundred bucks on a read here and there, but it was a labor of love.
It was one of those things that you do.
You can bring it back with a new theme song.
I could, or I did change it at one point.
It was like some obvious, some awful edit that went in.
And she said something about like, oh, well, Norton's on three blocks already.
But it's like, when am I going to do it?
Where am I going to do it?
Once mine gets up, like mine's been up for a few months.
We do callers, which I like the live interactions.
Like when you do radio, it's hard to not feel like anybody is listening.
And it takes you in weird directions.
Like people will call up with legit, everyone, like some comics like, ah, but then as soon as somebody goes, what do you think about this?
And they're talking about wanting to commit suicide or they're talking about fucking, it becomes interesting because people like everyone wants to give advice.
So I like knowing that something alive will take you into a different direction than we would have gone in.
It was some comment that was not complimentary.
I've surprisingly had very little of that.
I mean, again, I'm always – with coming from ONA, like –
Nothing is too much at this point because you become so used to right craziness and peeping death threats in the fucking I Still use a fake name at the cellar because I would get death threats like that There was a couple of them that actually concerned me because people were using their real names I mean if a guy is threatening to kill you with his real name attached to it like he's fucking he's a problem.
And then it was like, oh, sorry, I meant that for him.
There was one time Anthony had said something and the guy thought I said it.
And the guy said something about I'm going to fucking kill you.
I don't remember what it was, but it was the tone he said it.
I'm like, that feels different than anything anyone's ever said to me.
Plus, again, last time we talked about the fucking lawyer who hadn't committed a murder at that point, but I still knew he was crazy.
And I have a hate mail fucking file.
And I used to argue with them.
Back and forth like a dummy.
And I just kind of left it there.
But people would tell me, watch your back.
And then I would see a real name sign to it.
And I'm like, yeah, that guy's mentally ill.
Fuck yeah, there are a lot.
So I started doing... At the Comedy Cellar, I would always use names from the JFK assassination.
Like David Ferry was appearing...
it was never Oswaldo Kennedy I wasn't that on the nose but it was him it was you know Clay Shaw it was just all these weird people from the fucking from the Kennedy assassination Ali Wong used to have to do that at the comedy store
I knew you didn't like me.
Because she was famous, right?
Much more terrifying for a woman.
And it's like, there's got to be a way, like in Black Mirror, there's one thing, they had a thing where you could block people from seeing you.
And again, it's a futuristic thing, but...
The penalty for stalking should be so fucking severe because the way they allow someone to ruin someone else's life, it's crazy that they haven't figured out something where when you're convicted of stalking, you should be forced to have something in your phone or some type of a monitor bracelet that alerts the other person.
There's nothing I hate more than some fucking creep stalker.
Yeah, because I don't get... No, I'm not interesting to stalk because I fuck you.
If you want to stalk me, just show up and have nice tits.
But I did fuck one stalker, which turned out to be... Oh, no.
It was during the lawsuit.
It was a really bad time for me.
And I kind of felt bad that she thought I didn't like her.
But anyway, for two years, it was phone stalking.
And it was not scary like it would be for a woman.
But it becomes a part of your life.
This is with the old iPhones.
So I would always get these.
on a red eye, and I would land, and my iPhone would be filled with voice messages.
About, you know what, Jim, and just, you know, what a piece of shit I was, and a bad guy.
Yes, because all they want to do is they have to paint it in a way that's palatable to everybody.
So, like, she used to think I was talking to her on the radio.
We would talk dirty a lot, and credit where it's due.
The crazy ones are the best.
Fuck, they anticipate exactly what you need right before you get there.
Because it's something about the inhibitions being lowered and, you know, the cuck talk.
Not as much now because, again, I'm married, but I always enjoyed good cuck talk.
It would always make me very happy.
And I get why guys wouldn't like that, but it would make me fucking crazy.
It's a hard job, and you have some fucking asshole who's out trying to get laid.
Everybody knows how much you have.
But to pay somebody, see, I thought you meant to get shit on.
But to shit on an influencer, I've seen a few TikToks where I'm like, I'd give her a thousand if she let me take a dump on her.
Oh, there's a group of people watching?
Because she probably said something you didn't like.
I mean, that would do nothing for me.
Dude, I've seen the humiliation look every time I fuck someone.
Yes, but it also comes back and it it's here's where it's negative.
It is because it's so not sexual.
And again, being dirty, I'm not saying having the fetish is wrong.
And I don't even know what I liked about it.
I don't know what I liked about it.
I just don't understand the desire.
There's so many things I would love to do if people would let me do them for money, but not shit on them.
That would just be so... My shits are horrendous.
No, but again, if you have enough money to bring her over and shit on her, you have enough money to keep her on hold.
I have the podcast and I'm trying to do podcast ads.
She's not going to tell you I'm busy.
I know that people get sent over there and they fuck.
I actually want to go to Dubai.
It's one of the few places.
Have you been to the Burj?
I've never you know, I never bought ads on YouTube before, but I'm like, it doesn't buy you views.
That's probably before the bridge was built.
I want to go just to go up because I'm afraid of heights.
So I want to go into that observation deck on top.
I want to say it's like 120 or something.
It just puts it like where people will see it.
It's 3,000 feet, the tower.
I think it's the tallest structure in the world.
And there's a few people who have sat in that.
You see that picture of Tom Cruise who is batshit crazy.
He actually jumped out the window of that thing for real.
Do you ever see footage of him training for that Mission Impossible?
He jumped out the window?
He jumped out the window strapped in.
And if they like it, they click on it.
And I've seen footage of him taken by people on the observation deck of Tom Cruise hanging out
on the outside of the Burj Tower.
And there's a picture of him sitting on the very, very top, it's 3,000 feet, and his feet are just hanging off in a helicopter.
Every one of my ads gets shot down.
He was the first guy to do it.
He's probably harnessed on his back somehow.
One of the Mission Impossibles.
They accuse me of election advertising in the United States.
I've never met Tom Cruise.
If I ever met him, all I want to ask him is, how do you get insurance companies to agree to let you do this?
He was running down the face of the... And some of it was shot in CGI, but that's legit.
I put up an ad, and they said, this violates election advertising.
You wonder, is there a kill switch?
Like, if you push a clamp and you can't get the clamp open.
And I didn't even know how to respond to that.
And the side of the plane.
I've seen him talk about like being on the side of the plane that took off when he was hanging off the plane.
But you wonder like what is it in you that like what kind of a rush when you're not working?
It's like, you know, like fucking Cowboy Serrano will fly a plane and then cut the engine and fall because he's fucking crazy and he needs dopamine.
It might have been, I had George Santos on, but it was just a funny podcast.
What do you do to match this in your real life?
Oh, you see the string there, yeah.
You can only have so much faith, right?
Dude, he was fucking, he told me how bad Jerry Nadler smelled.
And he also broke his ankle.
He was jumping from one building to another.
But he actually fucking limped and tried to finish the shot.
Yeah, he's a fucking nut, man.
It's like when you look, but you ever watch old Buster Keaton footage?
Because I asked him who had the worst breath in Congress, and he wouldn't answer, but he told me the worst body odor was Jerry Nadler.
The crazy shit that he would do, the train or the building falling.
It's interesting that he wants to do all of his own stuff.
The Firm I just re-watched.
It's funny, I hated the music in The Firm so much it took me out of it.
But that's a pretty, that's a great film.
Gene Hackman was great in that.
What a shame he died, man.
He's one guy I never met that I wanted to meet, Gene Hackman.
He did, but he died kind of the way you want to die, just alone and home.
Well, his wife died first, they think?
He had dementia, I think.
So I don't even know if he knew she was dead.
They say he might have just been wandering.
Maybe he just wandered around hungry.
Doesn't matter who you are.
Like, I love... Because he was just so difficult.
Like, you've got to love a guy who's so good at something that people tolerate it.
He would never acknowledge being a good actor.
I was in an interview with Connie Chung, and she's like, you're a great actor.
He goes, he's a better actor.
He acts like he loves me because he wants food.
I'm like, what a great fucking actor.
What a great... But he meant it.
You knew he wasn't some fucking douchey poser.
And look, I'll acknowledge, I stink.
So I can't judge other people.
I'm not going to judge James Cagney or fucking Humphrey.
But you watch them, and you're like, they were so Victor Mature.
You know how it is when you meet somebody.
Tommy, why don't you cut it out, Tommy?
And then you see Brando, I can't watch the old stuff.
It's just theater acting or something.
It's like they're always more human when you meet them and it's harder to not like somebody.
It was a fairly new thing.
Yes, and I've seen footage of his screen test for Streetcar Named Desire.
Stanley walks into the kitchen, and he's just talking, and he's talking to Stella.
It might have been Stella.
And he's just moving and grabbing stuff, and you're watching him, and you're like, I would never have the confidence to just touch and behave.
Like I don't agree with Lauren Bobart, but I met her and she couldn't have been nicer.
I'm like, I can't dislike her.
And this is even different than what I was thinking.
The one I was thinking was in the kitchen.
Maybe it's part of the same one.
Here he's just putting a cigarette out in a fucking bottle.
So whenever you meet someone, and I had him over and he was great.
Yeah, and this is different than the one, but it's interesting to see.
He was funny, a sense of humor about himself, and he was shit talking and catty.
But even the way she's looking at him looks old school compared to what he's doing.
She's looking at him in a very strange way that doesn't feel like... Right.
Oh, he was a fucking... What a pussy machine.
How do you not love that guy?
And he wouldn't acknowledge that because they were trying to make it like Kurtz had gotten fat and was living the life of... And he wouldn't do it.
I was like, fuck, I love this guy.
Just sat there in the shadows.
And I can't watch Shakespeare.
I mean, I know he was the greatest.
And I watched him doing, I think he played Mark Anthony or Julius Caesar.
I just, I'm so used to, I hate my own voice and hearing it come back.
But they accused me of election advertising.
And watching him do Shakespeare, you felt like he's really saying these, like, you know what I mean?
It always feels so British, you know?
What's hot for a window breaker?
It just doesn't feel connected to the person.
I'm like, this is like a real guy actually saying this.
So he's the only person I've ever been able to watch do Shakespeare.
So now so many times I've tried to put ads after.
Yeah, and it's hard to do.
And again, there's very few things I give myself credit for.
But I do give myself credit for recognizing my limitations in that area.
It's been easy to recognize when people have pointed it out.
And they continually say it's either shocking content or election advertising.
Do you know who I saw that was shooting some of the... Will Arnett.
I think Bradley Cooper just directed a movie at the Comedy Cellar.
Is that him doing Shakespeare?
They're just targeting me.
And it's like, how are you supposed to advertise comedy with some profanity in it if it's shocking content?
I still don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
He understands what he's saying.
Like it's real or when he's in he's locked in Craziest part of that movie is when he's sitting there with the kid and he's petting the boy's head at one point It's supposed to be his son Yeah, and I'm like as an actor to touch a kid like even though you're acting he was petting this boy like the way you would pet your son like It was like he's so comfortable and so in this that you really believe this is his son It was like that was that stuck out for me like the level of comfort you need
I mean, he's not even running for anything.
And it wasn't a political rally podcast at all.
Because I've been on a set with a kid there.
Everybody's like, make sure you don't curse.
And this guy didn't give a fuck.
He just picks the kid up and starts petting his head.
Gary Oldman I like a lot, which is not exactly a stretch.
Gary Oldman, I think, is one of the most
Oldman or Daniel Day-Lewis?
I haven't watched anything on Apple.
I tried to watch The Morning Show, but I didn't love it.
It was just us talking about what happened.
It almost got a little weird, like the way Lost did, where they were doing things to serve the kind of show that they were.
But I'm like, what does this mean?
This is just crazy and weird, but they're just doing it to be...
Again, I watched it, and I probably will watch season three, but season one I liked more.
And we chatted politics, but I don't push political views on people.
Yes, and then it just becomes we have to get to season, again, like I said, Lost.
And the back storytelling, like I look at the writing in that.
They only had a certain amount of leeway they could do.
Their backstory stuff was great.
The writing on, you know, John Locke and on Kate and all these people, the way they would tie in their backstories, I thought was brilliant.
But then the way they ended, I was like, fuck.
Everyone complained about it, but I'm like, they missed what they should have done.
It's like I'm doing radio for 20 years and I still don't like to listen to my own fucking voice.
They've got you labeled right wing, which is kind of funny.
It was either Colin or Bobby was recommending Mobland.
Did you see footage of Tom Hardy?
I just saw footage of him submitting someone.
I just saw footage of him.
And people don't know what to, like the conservatives, it's so funny.
And he recognizes you and his fucking account just got banned.
People come see me from Gutfeld.
And then he sees you and he thinks it's destiny.
So I do Gutfeld a lot and his people will come see me.
But I think he's a blue belt too, right?
And it's just fun when I talk about my wife to watch the joy drain out of their faces.
Volkanovski, I know, was training with him.
I know he's around Alex Pereira a lot.
They find out it's a trans woman.
And I'm in that place, too, like where I have inflammation.
I'm just trying to get healthy.
Like I've been seeing some guy.
I don't know if I need surgery, but I'm getting MRIs, getting insurance to approve MRIs.
It's a fucking nightmare.
But I want to get my ankle, my hip, my knee.
I've been fucked up for years.
I've had like my leg goes numb.
My right leg was going numb in my thigh.
That's not the type of Tucker we like, buddy.
Again, I'm trying to get approval for the MRI for that, but I twisted my ankle very badly a few times.
How long are you in town for?
I'm supposed to come home tomorrow.
I've been doing these stretches that my physical therapist recommended.
And I'm going to someone who gave me some anti-inflammatory pills for a week.
And I feel a tremendous difference.
They get very, it's a very weird place to be.
People who like my humor don't necessarily like my personal life and people who like my personal life don't necessarily like my humor.
I've only been on these... He said one week is all.
He goes, I only want you to take them for a week.
I don't remember, but he goes, I just want to see if it... He's trying to see how severe the injury is.
I want to see if this does help at all.
But he goes, take them for... He gave them to me for a month.
He goes, don't take them for more than a week.
So I like the fact that he's showing restraint.
It's a weird, I guess if nobody feels like you're 100% in with them, they don't know what to make of you.
You know, I've tried to because I fattened up and I know it.
And again, for me, it was a dopamine thing.
I'm not doing the things I used to do.
You know what I'm going to do on the road?
That's the bane of my existence, a fucking pretzel.
It's not like I'm eating pizza.
Yeah, they were giving him shit about saying like, oh, he's not who we thought he was.
Do you know, I will never, as I'm watching him do that.
I will never be able to do anything into camera as well as he just described how shitty bread is.
I was watching him doing it like he's getting all the words proper and he's giving the information.
He's just giving it to you.
Meanwhile, he writes this great song and people love it and they look at his art and they love his art.
Do you know, I think, I have to think you're right because there was one time we had DeRosa on the show.
It was the morning show and he didn't bring us any sandwiches.
I'm like, wait, where's the fucking sandwiches, Joe?
And I was like, fuck him.
Cause then he did chip and he brought in sandwiches, but we taped in the afternoon and I'm like, he was telling the truth.
DeRosa was telling the truth about his bread.
But because he feels a little bit differently, a lot of people turned on him and it was like, what are you?
Yeah, I feel like shit most of the time.
Especially like just always tired.
I finally got, whatever, the apnea.
It's a fucking, you know, I'm an old man complaining.
I just can't breathe when I sleep.
Have you tried a carnivore diet?
No, and I know that my fear of eating too much meat is probably unfounded, but no, I've done Whole30, which actually I shed weight.
What's the fear of eating too much meat?
Does cancer feed on meat?
That's what I was always afraid of.
But I saw Rich Voss, like too many times I've seen clips of Voss and he just does that.
Do you know what the subject was?
If he had said something after it or if they went back and found out things he had said prior, that they felt like his politics didn't line up.
The keto diet, I never did it, but this is what a delusional idiot I am.
When I was in Montreal during the pandemic, I joined Costco and I would go and eat keto chocolates.
And I somehow convinced myself that I was like, oh, it's keto.
But I wasn't doing the rest of the fucking diet.
But they have some actually good shit you can eat if you're on the keto diet.
I guess you're doing it right.
But I would go there and buy all these delicious keto chocolate clusters.
So yeah, that one, I heard it gives you bad breath keto.
Again, I just, I don't remember where I heard it, but they were like, there's something about ketosis fucks your breath up.
Well, is it coming from the gut though?
I've never even, I've heard of ketones.
What's an exogenous ketone?
It's almost like when they got mad about fucking Dylan Mulvaney.
Like needing to connect to the belief system of somebody who drinks the same beverage is just such fucking psychotic.
There's a word for those, little nicotine.
Zin, that's what I'm thinking of.
Do those have THC in them?
No, I mean those, the gummies.
Then again, I've drank piss, so I don't expect a whole lot of people to line up politically and rally behind me with fucking yellow flags.
Didn't, as far as I've ever gone, what was that pill you were taking?
There was one pill you were taking that was supposed to be good for memory.
It was like one of those things you get on the fucking shelf in the vitamin store.
And I don't remember what it was, but I used to take that, but I didn't see any.
I say the collective you.
I wanted to take, because flying became such a, again, a fear for me again.
In this phase of my life, I don't fucking need that.
So I talked to Whitney, and she had talked about beta blockers.
But I got, like, do they help at all to, like, but I have a low heartbeat anyway, so I don't know if it's going to fuck me up to take a beta blocker.
I don't care who believes it.
I don't care what the... I mean, I'm a fucking Sabbath fan.
That's what I don't want.
They said they weren't, but for flying, it's something I literally have to fight to do.
Yeah, I'm getting a little bit better.
I have to sit by the window and look at the wing.
I'm really hateable on a plane.
I don't give a shit who those guys vote for.
Fucking six in the morning, I'm just trying to sleep, and I get my fucking fat face pressed up against the window, staring like I'm eight.
Yeah, I don't take any of that stuff.
I probably should at this point.
I take creatine every day.
I take nothing other than just the little thing from my heart.
I take B. I do take B and I take one other one.
He takes him in the face.
Boom, that's it.
I like the last part.
I think. Against Khalil? I don't know. Maybe I'm retarded. No, no, no, no, no. I think... I think... That's already been established.
We've known that for a long time, Matt.
Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Hold on, man. Wait a minute.
He had a fucking real point. Did he call you too?
You don't get a fucking... You don't get a fucking... It's not PJ and the Bear thing and shit. Get the fuck out of here.
It does. You can use it like a slingshot that's great
Oh, my God. He's always been funny. Come on.
I'm just like, give me my hand back, motherfucker.
I don't think he had no doubt about that. That fucking guy. Yeah, I believe him.
Don't laugh, John Rollo. You next. Yeah, you look like you'd be in prison too.
Man, that dude sucked, man.
Do you do that gripping thing?
Because it starts like a Hitman movie, and then they fucking on the floor. I go, what the...
He's got the best fucking kick! No, we're kidding.
Yeah, I'm sweating.
Before I attack my wife.
Nah, nah, nah.
It's not a secret. I want to know what the fuck happens over there.
No, I'm not doing that. You're no longer getting paid by them.
You believed it.
That's the fucking elbow. Exactly.
Exactly.
Yeah. It's kind of crazy.
Get in there.
Oh!
Oh!
Um, the way that I've been living with just being a single woman is... No, no, no, no, no.
Um, the way that I've been living with just being a single woman is... No, no, no, no, no.
Can you just elaborate more on, like, what do you mean by the smoke detector?
Can you just elaborate more on, like, what do you mean by the smoke detector?
Like red flags?
Like red flags?
I don't hear anything deep. And did you just hear it again? Because I don't hear anything.
I don't hear anything deep. And did you just hear it again? Because I don't hear anything.
There was The beep? Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I have to replace my fire, smoke detector. Oh, my God! Batteries. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Okay, so I just noticed it.
There was The beep? Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I have to replace my fire, smoke detector. Oh, my God! Batteries. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Okay, so I just noticed it.
Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming.
Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming.
Yeah, it was a theater, some weird theater for Randy and DVE. The radio guys. DVE, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes.
Yeah, it was a theater, some weird theater for Randy and DVE. The radio guys. DVE, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes.
I think so.
I think so.
Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. Wow. It was a long time ago. Yeah. It was like a tag. I don't even know who closed it. You did. Yeah. Did I really? You closed it. Oh, I did.
Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. Wow. It was a long time ago. Yeah. It was like a tag. I don't even know who closed it. You did. Yeah. Did I really? You closed it. Oh, I did.
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah. We feel like if you're like emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out because then I can't get caught. Yeah. Like you're not going to get busted with something if you tell everybody. Yeah, you're very honest. You're very honest on stage. It's just a fear of getting caught and a fear of being like, oh, somebody telling something about me.
Yeah. We feel like if you're like emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out because then I can't get caught. Yeah. Like you're not going to get busted with something if you tell everybody. Yeah, you're very honest. You're very honest on stage. It's just a fear of getting caught and a fear of being like, oh, somebody telling something about me.
So I'm like, if I tell you first, you know how it is. Yeah, sure. You got nothing to say. But you always have that? Like, were you always that way? It's what made comics laugh when I started. Yeah.
So I'm like, if I tell you first, you know how it is. Yeah, sure. You got nothing to say. But you always have that? Like, were you always that way? It's what made comics laugh when I started. Yeah.
Like I would start and it was like 1991 and guys like Bob Levy and Jim Florentine would come and they would always laugh at the stuff I talked about that was like me and my personal life and sex and like the honest self-deprecating shit, like the real self-hatred. Yeah. And that would make those guys. It's so funny. They were like, I love that. So like making them laugh to me was like.
Like I would start and it was like 1991 and guys like Bob Levy and Jim Florentine would come and they would always laugh at the stuff I talked about that was like me and my personal life and sex and like the honest self-deprecating shit, like the real self-hatred. Yeah. And that would make those guys. It's so funny. They were like, I love that. So like making them laugh to me was like.
That was the win. That was the win, man. Yeah. Yeah.
That was the win. That was the win, man. Yeah. Yeah.
In a way, yeah, that's always satisfying if somebody emails me. I've gotten a lot over the years of people going, hey, I'm so glad you talked about that because I thought I was alone doing that stuff in childhood or liking this or liking that. It was so nice to hear somebody talk about it.
In a way, yeah, that's always satisfying if somebody emails me. I've gotten a lot over the years of people going, hey, I'm so glad you talked about that because I thought I was alone doing that stuff in childhood or liking this or liking that. It was so nice to hear somebody talk about it.
Guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from because it was on Opie and Anthony and they were just barbarians, the audience. I mean, they're real people. They're harsh and they have a vicious, mean sense of humor, but at the end of the day, they're just regular people. Yeah. So they would write in and they related to certain things and they appreciate it.
Guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from because it was on Opie and Anthony and they were just barbarians, the audience. I mean, they're real people. They're harsh and they have a vicious, mean sense of humor, but at the end of the day, they're just regular people. Yeah. So they would write in and they related to certain things and they appreciate it.
And they're like, I always thought I was gay if I did this. And they were right. But I mean, you're a homo. Yeah. But it was nice to get those messages from people. I was like, hey, it's fun telling on yourself, but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it.
And they're like, I always thought I was gay if I did this. And they were right. But I mean, you're a homo. Yeah. But it was nice to get those messages from people. I was like, hey, it's fun telling on yourself, but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it.
Right. Because what are they in? The worst that's going to happen is they don't like it. Yeah. Or they don't really. A lot of times they won't admit relating to something. Yes. It's hard to get people to like, you know how it is.
Right. Because what are they in? The worst that's going to happen is they don't like it. Yeah. Or they don't really. A lot of times they won't admit relating to something. Yes. It's hard to get people to like, you know how it is.
Yes.
Yes.
And they're like, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I love you.
And they're like, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I love you.
Yeah, you were a great partner. You went to Lamaze with me? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, you were a great partner. You went to Lamaze with me? Yeah. Yeah.
I guess so. So were you ever able to sell it? Were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of, you could just never get it to click where they would be safe going with it?
I guess so. So were you ever able to sell it? Were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of, you could just never get it to click where they would be safe going with it?
Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing because she's crazy, not because I hated your fucking guts. Exactly. And she's writing that garbage.
Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing because she's crazy, not because I hated your fucking guts. Exactly. And she's writing that garbage.
It gives them the excuse sometimes that they need. Otherwise, they think if I'm laughing, I'm admitting. And if I'm laughing, I'm agreeing. But if I'm laughing because they're crazy, it's okay. Because no one's going to stop you and say, could you put a checklist of why you laughed at these bits? It doesn't matter.
It gives them the excuse sometimes that they need. Otherwise, they think if I'm laughing, I'm admitting. And if I'm laughing, I'm agreeing. But if I'm laughing because they're crazy, it's okay. Because no one's going to stop you and say, could you put a checklist of why you laughed at these bits? It doesn't matter.
Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant? Yes. That drives me crazy when I see a couple saying that. We're. No, you're not. She is. She is.
Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant? Yes. That drives me crazy when I see a couple saying that. We're. No, you're not. She is. She is.
I hear like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying we're pregnant or saying that. I'm like, oh.
I hear like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying we're pregnant or saying that. I'm like, oh.
Not with pregnant in my house. No, not really. I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no... There wouldn't be much cause for it. Like, we're doing this or... No, it would just be me or her. I can't think of any case where it would...
Not with pregnant in my house. No, not really. I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no... There wouldn't be much cause for it. Like, we're doing this or... No, it would just be me or her. I can't think of any case where it would...
But it does feel weird if you're walking out with your friend and you go, hey, thanks for having me. And then he's like a dick like, me too.
But it does feel weird if you're walking out with your friend and you go, hey, thanks for having me. And then he's like a dick like, me too.
But you know, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, it would depend on what they're calling me for. If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this? Like a business. Gig, yeah, or something like that. I might go, no, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I don't know if I'd say we're going to Hawaii.
But you know, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, it would depend on what they're calling me for. If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this? Like a business. Gig, yeah, or something like that. I might go, no, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I don't know if I'd say we're going to Hawaii.
Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody. Like, be careful about saying, like, our home or whatever, because then they can, like, lay claim to it. What? If you get... Oh, really? Yeah, I know somebody. She had money, and she married a guy, and she's like, yo, just be careful saying something like our place of... Like, she kept it on her.
Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody. Like, be careful about saying, like, our home or whatever, because then they can, like, lay claim to it. What? If you get... Oh, really? Yeah, I know somebody. She had money, and she married a guy, and she's like, yo, just be careful saying something like our place of... Like, she kept it on her.
It was her place. Oh, it's my... Yeah. I guess so. Yeah, this way, if they get divorced, they can't... But then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid, and there was no legal basis for it. Yeah, sure, sure.
It was her place. Oh, it's my... Yeah. I guess so. Yeah, this way, if they get divorced, they can't... But then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid, and there was no legal basis for it. Yeah, sure, sure.
Common law marriage. Yeah. Is that if you're living together? You have to live together. Yeah, I don't know if New York has common law. I think it's a seven-year period, though. Maybe it's different in different places.
Common law marriage. Yeah. Is that if you're living together? You have to live together. Yeah, I don't know if New York has common law. I think it's a seven-year period, though. Maybe it's different in different places.
No, New York does not.
No, New York does not.
Because all she's got to say is, he told me that we're married, we're like a married couple.
Because all she's got to say is, he told me that we're married, we're like a married couple.
I just have to fill out immigration things. Like when you're having your green card, the conditions. Where's she from? Norway. Norway. So having the conditions take off, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign is something they say they do present as a married couple. They are married. That's why the government's not getting scammed.
I just have to fill out immigration things. Like when you're having your green card, the conditions. Where's she from? Norway. Norway. So having the conditions take off, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign is something they say they do present as a married couple. They are married. That's why the government's not getting scammed.
Yes.
Yes.
Do you know what I mean? Boy, girl married. Cause on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole. I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you, obviously. But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very open about that. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Do you know what I mean? Boy, girl married. Cause on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole. I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you, obviously. But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very open about that. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Which they've changed the way you can change your, but they actually let you change your birth certificate in Norway. Wow. So it says that. That's very progressive. It is. Yeah. I mean, it's it's kind of whatever. I mean, it works out well for us.
Which they've changed the way you can change your, but they actually let you change your birth certificate in Norway. Wow. So it says that. That's very progressive. It is. Yeah. I mean, it's it's kind of whatever. I mean, it works out well for us.
It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say I am like I think there should be some process you go through. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this would prevent. you know, some guy that looks like me or you. Yeah. Just, just going, Hey, I got arrested. I want to go to a woman's prison. Yeah. Sure.
It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say I am like I think there should be some process you go through. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this would prevent. you know, some guy that looks like me or you. Yeah. Just, just going, Hey, I got arrested. I want to go to a woman's prison. Yeah. Sure.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
yeah it's um it's like you know you settle in and you realize like wow I am married like it really is at times great and at other times you know it's everything they said it's every I'm living every fucking hack comic in the 80s bit like they were right they were right But I do like it. I was lonely. It sucks when you're in your 50s and you're single.
yeah it's um it's like you know you settle in and you realize like wow I am married like it really is at times great and at other times you know it's everything they said it's every I'm living every fucking hack comic in the 80s bit like they were right they were right But I do like it. I was lonely. It sucks when you're in your 50s and you're single.
And it's all just, it's one person after the other. Or it's nobody for six months. It's just lonely. Yeah, sure.
And it's all just, it's one person after the other. Or it's nobody for six months. It's just lonely. Yeah, sure.
And I was like, wow. And the 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes. I'm like, wow, that really affected. I mean, she was probably I was a dick and I was a bad boyfriend. But like, I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone. Like you want to just be with somebody who you enjoy. Yeah.
And I was like, wow. And the 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes. I'm like, wow, that really affected. I mean, she was probably I was a dick and I was a bad boyfriend. But like, I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone. Like you want to just be with somebody who you enjoy. Yeah.
And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever, the times we argue, if I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married.
And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever, the times we argue, if I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married.
I never dated men. The idea of hugging a man and going, hey, how you doing, baby? It's as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this. It's the idea like it's a very weird thing and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play. So they're like, well, so you like men. But I'm like, no, it's like somebody who lives as a man or presents as a man. Right. Doesn't do it for you.
I never dated men. The idea of hugging a man and going, hey, how you doing, baby? It's as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this. It's the idea like it's a very weird thing and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play. So they're like, well, so you like men. But I'm like, no, it's like somebody who lives as a man or presents as a man. Right. Doesn't do it for you.
I hate it.
I hate it.
Yeah, unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay. That's more of a masculine attitude. But it's kind of hard to explain. There's a lot of people right now going, this guy's just a homo and he's delusional. And there's other people going, yes, I know exactly what you're saying. It's hard to explain. But you can't consider yourself straight. I mean, I'm sorry.
Yeah, unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay. That's more of a masculine attitude. But it's kind of hard to explain. There's a lot of people right now going, this guy's just a homo and he's delusional. And there's other people going, yes, I know exactly what you're saying. It's hard to explain. But you can't consider yourself straight. I mean, I'm sorry.
If you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says. If you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male.
If you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says. If you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male.
Yeah, I don't think you can be hetero. I think common sense.
Yeah, I don't think you can be hetero. I think common sense.
No, because I do like vaginas too. I'm not talking so technically.
No, because I do like vaginas too. I'm not talking so technically.
I guess, I mean.
I guess, I mean.
I know, but some of them are just unpleasant and they're accurate. Do you miss vaginas? Oh, yeah, but I think that, but if she had one, I would just be one up. Like, I would miss every one but hers. Yeah. I mean, it's not like if I married somebody with a pussy, I would get a bunch of them. It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss. Right, right, right.
I know, but some of them are just unpleasant and they're accurate. Do you miss vaginas? Oh, yeah, but I think that, but if she had one, I would just be one up. Like, I would miss every one but hers. Yeah. I mean, it's not like if I married somebody with a pussy, I would get a bunch of them. It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss. Right, right, right.
But, you know, yeah, so that's one thing. Of course I do. I do miss that. But, I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict, so I would miss it no matter who I was married to. I would miss everything that I couldn't have. Sure. It's kind of normal, right? Yeah, I think so. That's just married couple shit. Yeah.
But, you know, yeah, so that's one thing. Of course I do. I do miss that. But, I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict, so I would miss it no matter who I was married to. I would miss everything that I couldn't have. Sure. It's kind of normal, right? Yeah, I think so. That's just married couple shit. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It might.
It might.
Yeah, he's...
Yeah, he's...
LAUGHTER He would say that this is what the Warriors, but so the Warriors were doing gay shit. I mean, that's okay. We don't have to like, everybody's trying to rename it and make it okay. Like it is what it is. Like, and progressives have just fucking gone berserk. Like stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male. It's crazy.
LAUGHTER He would say that this is what the Warriors, but so the Warriors were doing gay shit. I mean, that's okay. We don't have to like, everybody's trying to rename it and make it okay. Like it is what it is. Like, and progressives have just fucking gone berserk. Like stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male. It's crazy.
It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual. So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual. It's, Just say you're not heterosexual, it's fine. It is fine.
It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual. So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual. It's, Just say you're not heterosexual, it's fine. It is fine.
Kind of, yeah. I think I've always been that way as a kid. Always not sure exactly what I wanted. Again, a lot of it is greed, yeah.
Kind of, yeah. I think I've always been that way as a kid. Always not sure exactly what I wanted. Again, a lot of it is greed, yeah.
Ah.
Ah.
I was probably five. I remember I used to, yeah, I have a picture of myself and I can date it. It was from 73. And I used to have like little oral sex with my friends. But this one kid I was scared of and I used to blow him. But I think I kind of liked it. You know what I mean? Like when I look back on it, it's like my therapist is like, you're molested. I'm like, eh, I don't know.
I was probably five. I remember I used to, yeah, I have a picture of myself and I can date it. It was from 73. And I used to have like little oral sex with my friends. But this one kid I was scared of and I used to blow him. But I think I kind of liked it. You know what I mean? Like when I look back on it, it's like my therapist is like, you're molested. I'm like, eh, I don't know.
Maybe I was scared, but I did kind of like it. You guys were around the same age though? He was my age, maybe nine months old, within a year old. It wasn't like he was 41. I'm scared. I feel like, no, but he was my friend. He taught me to fish.
Maybe I was scared, but I did kind of like it. You guys were around the same age though? He was my age, maybe nine months old, within a year old. It wasn't like he was 41. I'm scared. I feel like, no, but he was my friend. He taught me to fish.
I think so.
I think so.
Yes, but I have a photo of myself, like when I fell and I split my head open, and I know I was already doing it by then, and there's a date on the picture, so I know I was age five. Wow, that's young, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was off to the, I was a trooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, but I have a photo of myself, like when I fell and I split my head open, and I know I was already doing it by then, and there's a date on the picture, so I know I was age five. Wow, that's young, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was off to the, I was a trooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah it was very active as a kid it was very uh but i talked about that a lot like you know we would play that the monster rain game and you know it's just one of those things which game my it was uh we would one of us would yell like monster rain and we would hide under the porch and then we would blow each other under the porch but the monster rain this was one of your specials it was it was called monster yeah it's a true story yeah um but yeah we would we would uh all right yeah that's where i came from yeah
yeah it was very active as a kid it was very uh but i talked about that a lot like you know we would play that the monster rain game and you know it's just one of those things which game my it was uh we would one of us would yell like monster rain and we would hide under the porch and then we would blow each other under the porch but the monster rain this was one of your specials it was it was called monster yeah it's a true story yeah um but yeah we would we would uh all right yeah that's where i came from yeah
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you don't have to mine for material when it's just that. Exactly. When it's there, it's like, I don't have to go out and find an angle on, fuck, Trump's elected, or this is how, it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much. Like, you have to talk about other stuff too. Yes.
But you don't have to mine for material when it's just that. Exactly. When it's there, it's like, I don't have to go out and find an angle on, fuck, Trump's elected, or this is how, it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much. Like, you have to talk about other stuff too. Yes.
Because otherwise, I'm just literally, it's like you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore.
Because otherwise, I'm just literally, it's like you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore.
No, not at all.
No, not at all.
Yeah. And that's interesting to do it like a different order. Sometimes I'll do that. Like I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat where I just run the hour and I work on it. You know, you just go through it. And sometimes, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close? Sometimes it's not.
Yeah. And that's interesting to do it like a different order. Sometimes I'll do that. Like I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat where I just run the hour and I work on it. You know, you just go through it. And sometimes, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close? Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's like, no, the build is kind of what made that better. But yeah, it's ballsy to do that. Like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people.
Sometimes it's like, no, the build is kind of what made that better. But yeah, it's ballsy to do that. Like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people.
Switching that 15 minutes.
Switching that 15 minutes.
yeah you know well sometimes it ends and you're like yeah i shouldn't have done that yeah that was a bad move i should have done that in front of 50 people on a workout night instead of yeah instead of uh i'm back on tour now fine like i i had taken time off and i'm not with the radio show anymore so it's like it's weird with you and sam yeah that's i'm that was it serious for 20 years wow wow
yeah you know well sometimes it ends and you're like yeah i shouldn't have done that yeah that was a bad move i should have done that in front of 50 people on a workout night instead of yeah instead of uh i'm back on tour now fine like i i had taken time off and i'm not with the radio show anymore so it's like it's weird with you and sam yeah that's i'm that was it serious for 20 years wow wow
Yeah, it was a lot of talking and we just couldn't, you know, they just didn't want to pay it. And I knew it was coming. Like, you know what I mean? Like you see it and it's like, whatever. It's a little scary because it's the first time you're like without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up. You just walk in and talk.
Yeah, it was a lot of talking and we just couldn't, you know, they just didn't want to pay it. And I knew it was coming. Like, you know what I mean? Like you see it and it's like, whatever. It's a little scary because it's the first time you're like without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up. You just walk in and talk.
But I feel good that I didn't blow it up either. In life, we sabotage things. Absolutely. Especially comedians. So many comedians. Yeah. Fuck that. They're fucking. And I've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode and watching other people just blow up their life that I'm like, have confidence, but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue.
But I feel good that I didn't blow it up either. In life, we sabotage things. Absolutely. Especially comedians. So many comedians. Yeah. Fuck that. They're fucking. And I've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode and watching other people just blow up their life that I'm like, have confidence, but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue.
I mean, ACDC went on after Bon Scott died. I mean, radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them. Right. So you have to be realistic.
I mean, ACDC went on after Bon Scott died. I mean, radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them. Right. So you have to be realistic.
Yeah. 30 years in, I mean, I really should be executed for my life. We were there at the beginning and I just, I couldn't, I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio stuff.
Yeah. 30 years in, I mean, I really should be executed for my life. We were there at the beginning and I just, I couldn't, I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio stuff.
Yeah, but back then I probably could have snuck it in. Back in 2009 or 10, I probably could have fucking, but I would have ruined my life. Like I know that I would have done something or said something on the podcast that like today, I would be like, why the fuck did I say that in 2011? I didn't know it was going to come back to haunt me.
Yeah, but back then I probably could have snuck it in. Back in 2009 or 10, I probably could have fucking, but I would have ruined my life. Like I know that I would have done something or said something on the podcast that like today, I would be like, why the fuck did I say that in 2011? I didn't know it was going to come back to haunt me.
I think that's changed a lot, too, or it's starting to.
I think that's changed a lot, too, or it's starting to.
People are like, eh, enough already. Enough. Especially, again, because so many of the old radio shows are online. Yeah. I mean, there's hours of offensive shit. It's called the whole show. It was 25 hours a week at one point. It was Monday through Friday, 6 to 11. We were doing five hours a day. So funny, too. I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff.
People are like, eh, enough already. Enough. Especially, again, because so many of the old radio shows are online. Yeah. I mean, there's hours of offensive shit. It's called the whole show. It was 25 hours a week at one point. It was Monday through Friday, 6 to 11. We were doing five hours a day. So funny, too. I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff.
They would fuck you back then, too, though. They tried to get us with Homeless Charlie when that homeless guy came in, and he was really just a naturally funny human being, and he was brutal, and he was just talking about the...
They would fuck you back then, too, though. They tried to get us with Homeless Charlie when that homeless guy came in, and he was really just a naturally funny human being, and he was brutal, and he was just talking about the...
laura bush and he was talking about the queen of england and having sex and like but but in a way that would would be very very um unpleasant for them yeah and uh and uh we were uh we got kicked off a satellite for a month we got suspended for a month and the only thing that saved us yeah bill was in that day The only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock.
laura bush and he was talking about the queen of england and having sex and like but but in a way that would would be very very um unpleasant for them yeah and uh and uh we were uh we got kicked off a satellite for a month we got suspended for a month and the only thing that saved us yeah bill was in that day The only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock.
And since it didn't happen on their airwaves, they kept the show. But that was the one time. I hated Terrestrial. We were doing kind of double duty. And that actually saved us from our lives being our job. We had gotten fired once already. Yeah, I remember that.
And since it didn't happen on their airwaves, they kept the show. But that was the one time. I hated Terrestrial. We were doing kind of double duty. And that actually saved us from our lives being our job. We had gotten fired once already. Yeah, I remember that.
Well, Janet Jackson fucked everything without him intending to. Because after that nipple slip, I think Bush was president. It was 2003, and the fines went tenfold. So it went, like, from $35,000 per occurrence to $350,000 per occurrence. That's like... Big jump. And if you did it on 10 stations, you get fined on each station. So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this.
Well, Janet Jackson fucked everything without him intending to. Because after that nipple slip, I think Bush was president. It was 2003, and the fines went tenfold. So it went, like, from $35,000 per occurrence to $350,000 per occurrence. That's like... Big jump. And if you did it on 10 stations, you get fined on each station. So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this.
They cracked down, and then it just started to get shitty. And again, that kind of eventually gave birth to podcasts where people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore. And podcasts, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted to.
They cracked down, and then it just started to get shitty. And again, that kind of eventually gave birth to podcasts where people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore. And podcasts, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted to.
I'm only... I mean, I've done... I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while. But this one of just me and a guest, I like a lot. I've only done a few episodes. We've got like eight episodes taped. But I love it. It's so much fun. And total freedom. Total freedom. Total freedom. And it's an hour. And you're in your house. And I didn't think I would like it in the house.
I'm only... I mean, I've done... I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while. But this one of just me and a guest, I like a lot. I've only done a few episodes. We've got like eight episodes taped. But I love it. It's so much fun. And total freedom. Total freedom. Total freedom. And it's an hour. And you're in your house. And I didn't think I would like it in the house.
But I can have somebody whenever I want. Whenever you want to do it, you just do it. It's great. That's the best, dude.
But I can have somebody whenever I want. Whenever you want to do it, you just do it. It's great. That's the best, dude.
And nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it, two different senses of humor. And I just want to say what I want to say, and I want the pace to be what I want the pace to be.
And nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it, two different senses of humor. And I just want to say what I want to say, and I want the pace to be what I want the pace to be.
Yeah, you want the control over it. The fact that we were going to get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays. This whole thing happened really fast. So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs. I'm like, don't fucking languish. Don't just sit there like a lump of shit, hoping and being bitter.
Yeah, you want the control over it. The fact that we were going to get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays. This whole thing happened really fast. So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs. I'm like, don't fucking languish. Don't just sit there like a lump of shit, hoping and being bitter.
shut up start doing something else so at least you're you know yeah you're focused on something else yeah um you can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself nobody wants to nobody cares nobody's gonna feel sorry for me well that's like life that taught you not to just sit around because like maybe 25 year old version of you would would do that or something you know
shut up start doing something else so at least you're you know yeah you're focused on something else yeah um you can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself nobody wants to nobody cares nobody's gonna feel sorry for me well that's like life that taught you not to just sit around because like maybe 25 year old version of you would would do that or something you know
Getting fired in 2002 changed my life. That changed everything for me. You see that it can happen. They can take everything from you. You also know that you're going to be okay. I remember I was with Bobby Kelly. We lived in the same building, and I lived on the 22nd floor. I was saying to myself, I should just jump out the window. I finally have fans, and now the whole thing is gone.
Getting fired in 2002 changed my life. That changed everything for me. You see that it can happen. They can take everything from you. You also know that you're going to be okay. I remember I was with Bobby Kelly. We lived in the same building, and I lived on the 22nd floor. I was saying to myself, I should just jump out the window. I finally have fans, and now the whole thing is gone.
My life sucks. Just fucking kill yourself. It was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along. It's like, there's always something else. There's always something. Always something else. Although now it's just me, so I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or ONA to come back. So we'll see how it goes.
My life sucks. Just fucking kill yourself. It was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along. It's like, there's always something else. There's always something. Always something else. Although now it's just me, so I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or ONA to come back. So we'll see how it goes.
It was fun. I still see Colin and Keith all the time. Like it'll be Keith Robinson, who's actually just as fun. It's crazy. He had a stroke and Keith is amazing. And I hate, I would never say this to him, but he's amazing because he never feels sorry for himself. Yeah. Like, it's fucking crazy. He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the cellar.
It was fun. I still see Colin and Keith all the time. Like it'll be Keith Robinson, who's actually just as fun. It's crazy. He had a stroke and Keith is amazing. And I hate, I would never say this to him, but he's amazing because he never feels sorry for himself. Yeah. Like, it's fucking crazy. He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the cellar.
A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club and he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slow and never feel sorry for himself. It's really... And it's exactly the opposite of how I would handle it. You know what I mean? I would be milking it and bitching. And he just did a brilliant hour on Netflix. It's really inspiring to see him.
A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club and he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slow and never feel sorry for himself. It's really... And it's exactly the opposite of how I would handle it. You know what I mean? I would be milking it and bitching. And he just did a brilliant hour on Netflix. It's really inspiring to see him.
And he's still funny, which is crazy. That's incredible. And Patrice, these dumb fans, it's always, no matter what, especially with my marriage, what if Patrice was alive? What would he say? And I think that he would love the fact that his name is being used to torture all of us.
And he's still funny, which is crazy. That's incredible. And Patrice, these dumb fans, it's always, no matter what, especially with my marriage, what if Patrice was alive? What would he say? And I think that he would love the fact that his name is being used to torture all of us.
He would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebs living in his shadow.
He would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebs living in his shadow.
It's nice, yeah. It's like I wish he would have gotten to see it, but I'm happy for him that he's not forgotten. Like, Otto, Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more, Otto and George. Otto and George, yeah. Yeah, I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live.
It's nice, yeah. It's like I wish he would have gotten to see it, but I'm happy for him that he's not forgotten. Like, Otto, Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more, Otto and George. Otto and George, yeah. Yeah, I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He was so great, and I just wish that more people talked about him, but I'm happy for Petrie. You know what I mean? Like, when you see one friend getting so many accolades, you're happy, and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more. And Greg. And Geraldo. I love Geraldo.
He was so great, and I just wish that more people talked about him, but I'm happy for Petrie. You know what I mean? Like, when you see one friend getting so many accolades, you're happy, and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more. And Greg. And Geraldo. I love Geraldo.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, he was such a good comic. So funny. So good. His son does comedy. No! His son, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Greg Jr. What? And he's a good-looking kid, and yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps. I just think how happy Greg would be to see him doing that. He's in the city doing it? He is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he was such a good comic. So funny. So good. His son does comedy. No! His son, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Greg Jr. What? And he's a good-looking kid, and yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps. I just think how happy Greg would be to see him doing that. He's in the city doing it? He is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was working at the cellar as a waiter, and now he's out just kind of like, just hustling like every other young comic. It's great to see. That's crazy.
He was working at the cellar as a waiter, and now he's out just kind of like, just hustling like every other young comic. It's great to see. That's crazy.
Yeah. Geraldo was a funny dude.
Yeah. Geraldo was a funny dude.
Yeah, he was at Harvard. Jesus Christ. Isn't it crazy how many comics went to law school, went to Harvard, all this stuff? And then there's me. How far did you get? I dropped out of high school.
Yeah, he was at Harvard. Jesus Christ. Isn't it crazy how many comics went to law school, went to Harvard, all this stuff? And then there's me. How far did you get? I dropped out of high school.
Do you feel attached to those years? Do you, like, when you look back at, like, high school and, like, they'll, like, because obviously they want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are. Do you go or do you, like, eh? No.
Do you feel attached to those years? Do you, like, when you look back at, like, high school and, like, they'll, like, because obviously they want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are. Do you go or do you, like, eh? No.
Who does not laugh at that?
Who does not laugh at that?
Come on, that's fucking, who would not laugh at that?
Come on, that's fucking, who would not laugh at that?
I wrote fuck on the wall. When someone puts porn in like some type of presentation and porn, I don't care where it is. It's always funny. It's always funny. Who doesn't enjoy that? I know. With dirty, like just something inappropriate and language wise.
I wrote fuck on the wall. When someone puts porn in like some type of presentation and porn, I don't care where it is. It's always funny. It's always funny. Who doesn't enjoy that? I know. With dirty, like just something inappropriate and language wise.
Especially if it's a woman.
Especially if it's a woman.
No, but I'm pissed I missed that one. Yeah, that's a good one.
No, but I'm pissed I missed that one. Yeah, that's a good one.
Some guy said, I forget who it was that did this interview. He was a prisoner. And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read, he got a book, it was a mystery. And somebody had gotten the book first and went back. And the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared. I mean, so it just wrecks it.
Some guy said, I forget who it was that did this interview. He was a prisoner. And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read, he got a book, it was a mystery. And somebody had gotten the book first and went back. And the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared. I mean, so it just wrecks it.
I'd buy that. I'm going to get a Galaxy. That's really funny.
I'd buy that. I'm going to get a Galaxy. That's really funny.
That is so funny. Yeah. There's really funny people out there. Like when you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking, sorry, Silver Lake Gun Club, Silver Lake is not getting a gunshot. Yes. That's him.
That is so funny. Yeah. There's really funny people out there. Like when you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking, sorry, Silver Lake Gun Club, Silver Lake is not getting a gunshot. Yes. That's him.
No, it's not, unfortunately. Oh, it's not? God damn.
No, it's not, unfortunately. Oh, it's not? God damn.
I'm not creative like that. I wish I was. My humor works different than that, but I wish I had the ability to do that. That and that T-Mobile thing, that made me laugh out loud like that.
I'm not creative like that. I wish I was. My humor works different than that, but I wish I had the ability to do that. That and that T-Mobile thing, that made me laugh out loud like that.
Are you good at that? I'm not good at that. I'm not good at conceptualizing the bigger picture, the scene. For me, it just comes in little spurts and little aggressive actions, and then I'm kind of done.
Are you good at that? I'm not good at that. I'm not good at conceptualizing the bigger picture, the scene. For me, it just comes in little spurts and little aggressive actions, and then I'm kind of done.
Yeah, are just... What was Colin's thing again? God, he was so funny with that. Colin, he was just such an ass and that nothing bothers him and he'd always say, hey, fans. Oh, that's right. And it's just so infuriating and he just doesn't care. But he really doesn't care. So it works because it's legit. He's just being ridiculous. He doesn't care. He's not trying to make any big points.
Yeah, are just... What was Colin's thing again? God, he was so funny with that. Colin, he was just such an ass and that nothing bothers him and he'd always say, hey, fans. Oh, that's right. And it's just so infuriating and he just doesn't care. But he really doesn't care. So it works because it's legit. He's just being ridiculous. He doesn't care. He's not trying to make any big points.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just the amount of people that will go like, we're fucking talking about it. They just don't understand that he's being an idiot.
Just the amount of people that will go like, we're fucking talking about it. They just don't understand that he's being an idiot.
I think he's probably... Him or Attell. And you hate saying those guys because of course everyone says them. It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle. But I think Colin is probably my favorite guy to watch because every year it's a new hour. It's about something. And it's really... He's never...
I think he's probably... Him or Attell. And you hate saying those guys because of course everyone says them. It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle. But I think Colin is probably my favorite guy to watch because every year it's a new hour. It's about something. And it's really... He's never...
I remember I was on stage one time at the cellar doing something it was just whatever I was just going from A to Z quickly and he just walked through and he went nice writing lazy and he was right I was fucking I'm lazy he never is lazy with his writing it's always it's never the easy road he doesn't do the audience's emotional work I just he's just great he's the best guy
I remember I was on stage one time at the cellar doing something it was just whatever I was just going from A to Z quickly and he just walked through and he went nice writing lazy and he was right I was fucking I'm lazy he never is lazy with his writing it's always it's never the easy road he doesn't do the audience's emotional work I just he's just great he's the best guy
That kind of annoys me. I don't like that he actually, you'll see a clip and you're like, wow, I really didn't know that. That's what he wants me to say. I hate him. I do, too. But the material is great. He's able to take these dry subjects. The Constitution is not a funny thing.
That kind of annoys me. I don't like that he actually, you'll see a clip and you're like, wow, I really didn't know that. That's what he wants me to say. I hate him. I do, too. But the material is great. He's able to take these dry subjects. The Constitution is not a funny thing.
No, red state, blue state, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious.
No, red state, blue state, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious.
and I was only a few years in you know it was like so cutting but it was the same kind of thing where I was like oh he's I'm being lazy like I haven't yeah he's telling you something he's fucking with you yeah but he's also such a great like no matter what he says you know it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant and I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much yeah but I mean he really is fucking his mind Jeselnik has the ability to do that too like where like with Dave you never see the punchline coming again I have no idea where it's
and I was only a few years in you know it was like so cutting but it was the same kind of thing where I was like oh he's I'm being lazy like I haven't yeah he's telling you something he's fucking with you yeah but he's also such a great like no matter what he says you know it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant and I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much yeah but I mean he really is fucking his mind Jeselnik has the ability to do that too like where like with Dave you never see the punchline coming again I have no idea where it's
you know we write jokes so you kind of know the fucking a b you never see it coming and it annoys me and jazz like even though he's got kind of like a cadence and a pace yeah and you have an idea of where it might be 90 of the time i still don't see yeah you just you predict you're like this is gonna be fucked up yeah or like and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be yeah but you don't always know
you know we write jokes so you kind of know the fucking a b you never see it coming and it annoys me and jazz like even though he's got kind of like a cadence and a pace yeah and you have an idea of where it might be 90 of the time i still don't see yeah you just you predict you're like this is gonna be fucked up yeah or like and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be yeah but you don't always know
That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good. I'm with colony. I never see it coming when I don't see it coming. I'm like, fuck.
That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good. I'm with colony. I never see it coming when I don't see it coming. I'm like, fuck.
Yeah. It's also, I can't watch guys. I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing. I know. I know. Same. That guy's better. Yeah. It's upsetting. Do you get those, those like weird petty, I don't say jealousies, but those weird, like fuck, He's great, and I'm just never going to be that. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. It's also, I can't watch guys. I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing. I know. I know. Same. That guy's better. Yeah. It's upsetting. Do you get those, those like weird petty, I don't say jealousies, but those weird, like fuck, He's great, and I'm just never going to be that. Oh, yeah.
Right. At what point do we let go of... I'm going to, cause there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one. At what point do we say like, yeah, I'm good at what I do, but I'm not, I'm not going to be that guy. And like, when does that happen?
Right. At what point do we let go of... I'm going to, cause there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one. At what point do we say like, yeah, I'm good at what I do, but I'm not, I'm not going to be that guy. And like, when does that happen?
Yeah, I'm okay with it too. I just don't know when it happened. I don't know what the period was where you kind of slide into accepting that and going, yeah, I'll always be good at what I do and it's great and some people like it and some people think it stinks and that's fine. But that group, I'm not in that group. I don't know when I came to accept that.
Yeah, I'm okay with it too. I just don't know when it happened. I don't know what the period was where you kind of slide into accepting that and going, yeah, I'll always be good at what I do and it's great and some people like it and some people think it stinks and that's fine. But that group, I'm not in that group. I don't know when I came to accept that.
Well, some lists are amazing. Segura and Norton. Oh, and Netflix you need to watch.
Well, some lists are amazing. Segura and Norton. Oh, and Netflix you need to watch.
Wait, who made this up? Did your producers make this up before?
Wait, who made this up? Did your producers make this up before?
You got it. I know. There's never time. It's also from 2014, Jim.
You got it. I know. There's never time. It's also from 2014, Jim.
This is probably Nick Swartzen.
This is probably Nick Swartzen.
Yeah, this has got to be. I'm going to guess this is 2015. This is not a new list. Although Mulaney's on it, so maybe it's not that old. What year is that from? 2020.
Yeah, this has got to be. I'm going to guess this is 2015. This is not a new list. Although Mulaney's on it, so maybe it's not that old. What year is that from? 2020.
Yeah. He's handsome. He's handsome. Funny.
Yeah. He's handsome. He's handsome. Funny.
And a good performer. It's always different. Yep. Yeah, you look at him, you're like, yeah, I get why he's really successful.
And a good performer. It's always different. Yep. Yeah, you look at him, you're like, yeah, I get why he's really successful.
Well, when I was five, let's just clarify, not like now. How do you get fired from driving a bus?
Well, when I was five, let's just clarify, not like now. How do you get fired from driving a bus?
If you're hitting something in people or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good because that's what makes me laugh. And again, it's the stupidest thing. Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it. But when you hear a comic hit something like that, it still makes me feel something. I mean, that's what politics is.
If you're hitting something in people or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good because that's what makes me laugh. And again, it's the stupidest thing. Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it. But when you hear a comic hit something like that, it still makes me feel something. I mean, that's what politics is.
Somebody says something that I feel in my guts and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel.
Somebody says something that I feel in my guts and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel.
You know, it kind of works. And the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who wins. Yeah. The guy who can tap into that.
You know, it kind of works. And the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who wins. Yeah. The guy who can tap into that.
Yeah. Unless it's Bad News Bears, and then I like the new one better. The new one was much better. Yeah. But yeah, I don't like PG movies either. I just feel like, nah, they're going to censor something out that I want to see. It's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit, which is such a great fucking hilarious movie.
Yeah. Unless it's Bad News Bears, and then I like the new one better. The new one was much better. Yeah. But yeah, I don't like PG movies either. I just feel like, nah, they're going to censor something out that I want to see. It's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit, which is such a great fucking hilarious movie.
There's a line where Jackie Gleason, he sees the cop in the thing and he goes, next time wear a badge on your diety. And it was covering the word dick. But it's so bad. It's such a bad after dub.
There's a line where Jackie Gleason, he sees the cop in the thing and he goes, next time wear a badge on your diety. And it was covering the word dick. But it's so bad. It's such a bad after dub.
But you could see his mouth. He goes, next time wear your badge on your dick, which would have been a really funny line. Really funny. But they, I think, diedy. Yeah. Like your diaper, whatever that is. It was such a bad dub. He's amazing in that.
But you could see his mouth. He goes, next time wear your badge on your dick, which would have been a really funny line. Really funny. But they, I think, diedy. Yeah. Like your diaper, whatever that is. It was such a bad dub. He's amazing in that.
I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him. He's the funniest fat guy ever. Like again, Belushi was great. John Candy was great. Chris Farley's great. But in that realm of like larger than life fat guys. Yes. Nobody was funnier than Gleason. Nobody.
I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him. He's the funniest fat guy ever. Like again, Belushi was great. John Candy was great. Chris Farley's great. But in that realm of like larger than life fat guys. Yes. Nobody was funnier than Gleason. Nobody.
And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like, like they said if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to like remember a line. Like he was just one of those guys that was just great in the moment and the rest of them would want to rehearse. I think Joyce Randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that. Trixie. Really?
And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like, like they said if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to like remember a line. Like he was just one of those guys that was just great in the moment and the rest of them would want to rehearse. I think Joyce Randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that. Trixie. Really?
Yeah, I think her brother was a lawyer or her brother-in-law was a lawyer and she signed something for like whatever she signed, but she wound up getting money over the years and the rest of them did not. Holy shit. Because back then it was live and done and no one thought it would be anything else. Right.
Yeah, I think her brother was a lawyer or her brother-in-law was a lawyer and she signed something for like whatever she signed, but she wound up getting money over the years and the rest of them did not. Holy shit. Because back then it was live and done and no one thought it would be anything else. Right.
Oh, see, I got it wrong. I thought it was Joyce Randolph. It was Audrey Meadows. Okay, it was one of them. Bro, that's amazing. Yeah, she was really funny, too. She was like the first feminist on TV. She always won. She was always right. She was always smarter than her fucking husband. And she brutalized him. Yeah.
Oh, see, I got it wrong. I thought it was Joyce Randolph. It was Audrey Meadows. Okay, it was one of them. Bro, that's amazing. Yeah, she was really funny, too. She was like the first feminist on TV. She always won. She was always right. She was always smarter than her fucking husband. And she brutalized him. Yeah.
I mean, some of the lines were just... They were just really, really monstrously funny things she got to say. It's the best show ever. It's an incredible show. They couldn't touch sex. They couldn't touch divorce. Nothing that you could kind of... They had such a limited... Yeah.
I mean, some of the lines were just... They were just really, really monstrously funny things she got to say. It's the best show ever. It's an incredible show. They couldn't touch sex. They couldn't touch divorce. Nothing that you could kind of... They had such a limited... Yeah.
Corridor, yeah, boundaries, and they were just, you ever see the original Alice? It just doesn't work.
Corridor, yeah, boundaries, and they were just, you ever see the original Alice? It just doesn't work.
There's like an original Alice, and I think she played a maid on later episodes, but a couple of them, I think her and Trixie were the second ones. Great show. Amazing.
There's like an original Alice, and I think she played a maid on later episodes, but a couple of them, I think her and Trixie were the second ones. Great show. Amazing.
You've never watched The Honeymoons? I've only seen To the Moon, Alice. Oh, it's amazing.
You've never watched The Honeymoons? I've only seen To the Moon, Alice. Oh, it's amazing.
There's only 39 of the classic. Like, there's other ones that were shot for, like, I think, whatever, Cavalcade of Stars, whatever the show was. But the 39, like, the guts of the series episode, the big ones, wow, you've never seen them. No. That's amazing.
There's only 39 of the classic. Like, there's other ones that were shot for, like, I think, whatever, Cavalcade of Stars, whatever the show was. But the 39, like, the guts of the series episode, the big ones, wow, you've never seen them. No. That's amazing.
Mr. Ed was good. This is great.
Mr. Ed was good. This is great.
Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit. You did? Yeah, not well, but he would come around. He was doing stand-up, and me and Voss hung out with him. And he's probably, at that time, the most famous person I'd ever been around because homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson. But he went on at Caroline's, and he was kind of a half-souled
Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit. You did? Yeah, not well, but he would come around. He was doing stand-up, and me and Voss hung out with him. And he's probably, at that time, the most famous person I'd ever been around because homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson. But he went on at Caroline's, and he was kind of a half-souled
and he walked on to the Jeffersons theme song and he just did like, you know, 35, 40 minutes of stand up and I think he brought people on but it was nice to get to know him but, you know. Nice guy. Very nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We kept in touch for a while and then he died. Yeah. Yeah, that ended that.
and he walked on to the Jeffersons theme song and he just did like, you know, 35, 40 minutes of stand up and I think he brought people on but it was nice to get to know him but, you know. Nice guy. Very nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We kept in touch for a while and then he died. Yeah. Yeah, that ended that.
Yes, all good.
Yes, all good.
It's both.
It's both.
And pool disasters are like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete and you smash your knees. Oh, dude. Yeah, pool disasters are terrible.
And pool disasters are like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete and you smash your knees. Oh, dude. Yeah, pool disasters are terrible.
But again, I see the humor in it. Watching somebody get flattened is always funny. It's always funny, yeah.
But again, I see the humor in it. Watching somebody get flattened is always funny. It's always funny, yeah.
They just wanted to zip through people. They wanted people as their obstacles.
They just wanted to zip through people. They wanted people as their obstacles.
No, because it looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike. Like the boys' bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash. Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike? Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too bad.
No, because it looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike. Like the boys' bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash. Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike? Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too bad.
Right. It looks like if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed.
Right. It looks like if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed.
Having fun trying to prove that he's still got it.
Having fun trying to prove that he's still got it.
He's two blocks back and he's falling. He hasn't run in...
He's two blocks back and he's falling. He hasn't run in...
That's the problem. Because he probably had on dress shoes. Yeah. And his friend goes, you want to race like in the old days? Yeah. And he's like, let me take my shoes off. Oh, is that fantastic?
That's the problem. Because he probably had on dress shoes. Yeah. And his friend goes, you want to race like in the old days? Yeah. And he's like, let me take my shoes off. Oh, is that fantastic?
I so wish we had the after shot of just like missing face. You ever see shots of that like motorcycle accidents. I've seen like a lot of videos of people who like have these awful Motorcycle accidents and the fucking piece of their half their face is gone. I can't get on a motorcycle.
I so wish we had the after shot of just like missing face. You ever see shots of that like motorcycle accidents. I've seen like a lot of videos of people who like have these awful Motorcycle accidents and the fucking piece of their half their face is gone. I can't get on a motorcycle.
I don't know if I saw it.
I don't know if I saw it.
Yeah, I'd love to see it. This is different. The one I'm thinking of was in a zoo or something, and he had jumped into the tiger cage, and the tiger was just walking around with him, dragging him by the head, and people were throwing things at him. It's crazy how... When an animal like that is eating someone, intervention doesn't matter to it. No, you're fucked. You're just dead. You're doomed.
Yeah, I'd love to see it. This is different. The one I'm thinking of was in a zoo or something, and he had jumped into the tiger cage, and the tiger was just walking around with him, dragging him by the head, and people were throwing things at him. It's crazy how... When an animal like that is eating someone, intervention doesn't matter to it. No, you're fucked. You're just dead. You're doomed.
He's not afraid of people hitting him.
He's not afraid of people hitting him.
it's net i there was one video it was it was from an african safari and it was like it was a uh it was either a gazelle or what it was one of those a buffalo stuck in the mud like up to the shore and the lions are just eating it alive and then they bite its asshole out yeah because i guess that's sweet but they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive
it's net i there was one video it was it was from an african safari and it was like it was a uh it was either a gazelle or what it was one of those a buffalo stuck in the mud like up to the shore and the lions are just eating it alive and then they bite its asshole out yeah because i guess that's sweet but they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive
Yeah. And the buffalo is just standing there. Just embarrassed. Making those noises. Yeah. But you can never tell. That's the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole's being eaten out by a fucking predator. You have no idea. They're very hard to read.
Yeah. And the buffalo is just standing there. Just embarrassed. Making those noises. Yeah. But you can never tell. That's the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole's being eaten out by a fucking predator. You have no idea. They're very hard to read.
It's called Sword Fight, and we've just been doing it where we have guests come on, and most of them are comics. Yeah. And I just wanted to do something with her because she makes me laugh. That's awesome. And yeah, we do it once a week, and I love it. Awesome. Thank you for coming in. Thank you, Tim.
It's called Sword Fight, and we've just been doing it where we have guests come on, and most of them are comics. Yeah. And I just wanted to do something with her because she makes me laugh. That's awesome. And yeah, we do it once a week, and I love it. Awesome. Thank you for coming in. Thank you, Tim.
Oh!
Um, the way that I've been living with just being a single woman is... No, no, no, no, no.
Can you just elaborate more on, like, what do you mean by the smoke detector?
Like red flags?
I don't hear anything deep. And did you just hear it again? Because I don't hear anything.
There was The beep? Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe I have to replace my fire, smoke detector. Oh, my God! Batteries. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. Okay, so I just noticed it.
Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming.
Yeah, it was a theater, some weird theater for Randy and DVE. The radio guys. DVE, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes.
I think so.
Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah. Wow. It was a long time ago. Yeah. It was like a tag. I don't even know who closed it. You did. Yeah. Did I really? You closed it. Oh, I did.
Wow.
Yeah. We feel like if you're like emotionally vomiting, it feels good just to kind of get it out because then I can't get caught. Yeah. Like you're not going to get busted with something if you tell everybody. Yeah, you're very honest. You're very honest on stage. It's just a fear of getting caught and a fear of being like, oh, somebody telling something about me.
So I'm like, if I tell you first, you know how it is. Yeah, sure. You got nothing to say. But you always have that? Like, were you always that way? It's what made comics laugh when I started. Yeah.
Like I would start and it was like 1991 and guys like Bob Levy and Jim Florentine would come and they would always laugh at the stuff I talked about that was like me and my personal life and sex and like the honest self-deprecating shit, like the real self-hatred. Yeah. And that would make those guys. It's so funny. They were like, I love that. So like making them laugh to me was like.
That was the win. That was the win, man. Yeah. Yeah.
In a way, yeah, that's always satisfying if somebody emails me. I've gotten a lot over the years of people going, hey, I'm so glad you talked about that because I thought I was alone doing that stuff in childhood or liking this or liking that. It was so nice to hear somebody talk about it.
Guys you wouldn't expect to hear it from because it was on Opie and Anthony and they were just barbarians, the audience. I mean, they're real people. They're harsh and they have a vicious, mean sense of humor, but at the end of the day, they're just regular people. Yeah. So they would write in and they related to certain things and they appreciate it.
And they're like, I always thought I was gay if I did this. And they were right. But I mean, you're a homo. Yeah. But it was nice to get those messages from people. I was like, hey, it's fun telling on yourself, but it's also nice when somebody kind of relates to it.
Right. Because what are they in? The worst that's going to happen is they don't like it. Yeah. Or they don't really. A lot of times they won't admit relating to something. Yes. It's hard to get people to like, you know how it is.
Yes.
And they're like, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I love you.
Yeah, you were a great partner. You went to Lamaze with me? Yeah. Yeah.
I guess so. So were you ever able to sell it? Were you ever able to find the thing that would just kind of, you could just never get it to click where they would be safe going with it?
Yeah, yeah. I'm laughing because she's crazy, not because I hated your fucking guts. Exactly. And she's writing that garbage.
It gives them the excuse sometimes that they need. Otherwise, they think if I'm laughing, I'm admitting. And if I'm laughing, I'm agreeing. But if I'm laughing because they're crazy, it's okay. Because no one's going to stop you and say, could you put a checklist of why you laughed at these bits? It doesn't matter.
Does it bother you when someone says, as a woman, when someone says, we're pregnant? Yes. That drives me crazy when I see a couple saying that. We're. No, you're not. She is. She is.
I hear like people you wouldn't expect to hear saying we're pregnant or saying that. I'm like, oh.
Not with pregnant in my house. No, not really. I mean, unless we're doing something, but there's really no... There wouldn't be much cause for it. Like, we're doing this or... No, it would just be me or her. I can't think of any case where it would...
But it does feel weird if you're walking out with your friend and you go, hey, thanks for having me. And then he's like a dick like, me too.
But you know, I don't necessarily, I think in that case, what I say, it would depend on what they're calling me for. If it was someone saying, hey, could you do this? Like a business. Gig, yeah, or something like that. I might go, no, I'm going to be in Hawaii. I don't know if I'd say we're going to Hawaii.
Well, they said to be careful doing that if you have an apartment and you marry somebody. Like, be careful about saying, like, our home or whatever, because then they can, like, lay claim to it. What? If you get... Oh, really? Yeah, I know somebody. She had money, and she married a guy, and she's like, yo, just be careful saying something like our place of... Like, she kept it on her.
It was her place. Oh, it's my... Yeah. I guess so. Yeah, this way, if they get divorced, they can't... But then again, maybe that was just her being fucking paranoid, and there was no legal basis for it. Yeah, sure, sure.
Common law marriage. Yeah. Is that if you're living together? You have to live together. Yeah, I don't know if New York has common law. I think it's a seven-year period, though. Maybe it's different in different places.
No, New York does not.
Because all she's got to say is, he told me that we're married, we're like a married couple.
I just have to fill out immigration things. Like when you're having your green card, the conditions. Where's she from? Norway. Norway. So having the conditions take off, one of the things you have to get your friends to sign is something they say they do present as a married couple. They are married. That's why the government's not getting scammed.
Yes.
Do you know what I mean? Boy, girl married. Cause on her, I mean, I know that's like a whole. I know that that's, you know, I mean, she's definitely, she's different than you, obviously. But on her passport and on her birth certificate, it says female because Norway is very open about that. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Which they've changed the way you can change your, but they actually let you change your birth certificate in Norway. Wow. So it says that. That's very progressive. It is. Yeah. I mean, it's it's kind of whatever. I mean, it works out well for us.
It should be necessarily that easy for a person just to say I am like I think there should be some process you go through. It doesn't mean that it can't happen, but I just think this would prevent. you know, some guy that looks like me or you. Yeah. Just, just going, Hey, I got arrested. I want to go to a woman's prison. Yeah. Sure.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
yeah it's um it's like you know you settle in and you realize like wow I am married like it really is at times great and at other times you know it's everything they said it's every I'm living every fucking hack comic in the 80s bit like they were right they were right But I do like it. I was lonely. It sucks when you're in your 50s and you're single.
And it's all just, it's one person after the other. Or it's nobody for six months. It's just lonely. Yeah, sure.
And I was like, wow. And the 25 years later, I still hear that sometimes. I'm like, wow, that really affected. I mean, she was probably I was a dick and I was a bad boyfriend. But like, I think that's one of the things I was like, I don't want to die alone. Like you want to just be with somebody who you enjoy. Yeah.
And my wife and I, for all the faults or whatever, the times we argue, if I can't make it work with her, I have no shot at ever being married.
I never dated men. The idea of hugging a man and going, hey, how you doing, baby? It's as repulsive to me as it is to any other guy watching this. It's the idea like it's a very weird thing and people can't understand it because there's a dick in play. So they're like, well, so you like men. But I'm like, no, it's like somebody who lives as a man or presents as a man. Right. Doesn't do it for you.
I hate it.
Yeah, unless it's a woman being dirty and aggressive, then that's okay. That's more of a masculine attitude. But it's kind of hard to explain. There's a lot of people right now going, this guy's just a homo and he's delusional. And there's other people going, yes, I know exactly what you're saying. It's hard to explain. But you can't consider yourself straight. I mean, I'm sorry.
If you're out there, if you're dating somebody, you're married to somebody and they have a dick, I don't care what their birth certificate says. If you enjoy that dick, you're not a heterosexual male.
Yeah, I don't think you can be hetero. I think common sense.
No, because I do like vaginas too. I'm not talking so technically.
I guess, I mean.
I know, but some of them are just unpleasant and they're accurate. Do you miss vaginas? Oh, yeah, but I think that, but if she had one, I would just be one up. Like, I would miss every one but hers. Yeah. I mean, it's not like if I married somebody with a pussy, I would get a bunch of them. It would just be hers and then the rest I would miss. Right, right, right.
But, you know, yeah, so that's one thing. Of course I do. I do miss that. But, I mean, I'm greedy and I'm an addict, so I would miss it no matter who I was married to. I would miss everything that I couldn't have. Sure. It's kind of normal, right? Yeah, I think so. That's just married couple shit. Yeah.
Yeah.
It might.
Yeah, he's...
LAUGHTER He would say that this is what the Warriors, but so the Warriors were doing gay shit. I mean, that's okay. We don't have to like, everybody's trying to rename it and make it okay. Like it is what it is. Like, and progressives have just fucking gone berserk. Like stop telling yourself that if you're a guy and there's a dick in your face, you're a heterosexual male. It's crazy.
It's almost like that's the 1940s angle of the only proper answer is heterosexual. So we have to maze and shoehorn the language to get you back to what is proper, which is heterosexual. It's, Just say you're not heterosexual, it's fine. It is fine.
Kind of, yeah. I think I've always been that way as a kid. Always not sure exactly what I wanted. Again, a lot of it is greed, yeah.
Ah.
I was probably five. I remember I used to, yeah, I have a picture of myself and I can date it. It was from 73. And I used to have like little oral sex with my friends. But this one kid I was scared of and I used to blow him. But I think I kind of liked it. You know what I mean? Like when I look back on it, it's like my therapist is like, you're molested. I'm like, eh, I don't know.
Maybe I was scared, but I did kind of like it. You guys were around the same age though? He was my age, maybe nine months old, within a year old. It wasn't like he was 41. I'm scared. I feel like, no, but he was my friend. He taught me to fish.
I think so.
Yes, but I have a photo of myself, like when I fell and I split my head open, and I know I was already doing it by then, and there's a date on the picture, so I know I was age five. Wow, that's young, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was off to the, I was a trooper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah it was very active as a kid it was very uh but i talked about that a lot like you know we would play that the monster rain game and you know it's just one of those things which game my it was uh we would one of us would yell like monster rain and we would hide under the porch and then we would blow each other under the porch but the monster rain this was one of your specials it was it was called monster yeah it's a true story yeah um but yeah we would we would uh all right yeah that's where i came from yeah
Yeah.
But you don't have to mine for material when it's just that. Exactly. When it's there, it's like, I don't have to go out and find an angle on, fuck, Trump's elected, or this is how, it's like, but you also start to feed on it too much. Like, you have to talk about other stuff too. Yes.
Because otherwise, I'm just literally, it's like you're carving away at something and there's nothing left anymore.
No, not at all.
Yeah. And that's interesting to do it like a different order. Sometimes I'll do that. Like I do a Wednesday show in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat where I just run the hour and I work on it. You know, you just go through it. And sometimes, you know, you start with the closer and then work your way backwards and go, is the opening strong enough to close? Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes it's like, no, the build is kind of what made that better. But yeah, it's ballsy to do that. Like when you're on the road in front of a lot of people.
Switching that 15 minutes.
yeah you know well sometimes it ends and you're like yeah i shouldn't have done that yeah that was a bad move i should have done that in front of 50 people on a workout night instead of yeah instead of uh i'm back on tour now fine like i i had taken time off and i'm not with the radio show anymore so it's like it's weird with you and sam yeah that's i'm that was it serious for 20 years wow wow
Yeah, it was a lot of talking and we just couldn't, you know, they just didn't want to pay it. And I knew it was coming. Like, you know what I mean? Like you see it and it's like, whatever. It's a little scary because it's the first time you're like without that comfortable thing to go to where everything is set up. You just walk in and talk.
But I feel good that I didn't blow it up either. In life, we sabotage things. Absolutely. Especially comedians. So many comedians. Yeah. Fuck that. They're fucking. And I've learned so many lessons from watching other people implode and watching other people just blow up their life that I'm like, have confidence, but don't be stupid and think that things won't continue.
I mean, ACDC went on after Bon Scott died. I mean, radio shows will continue whether or not I'm a part of them. Right. So you have to be realistic.
Yeah. 30 years in, I mean, I really should be executed for my life. We were there at the beginning and I just, I couldn't, I had a contract and I wasn't allowed to do any other audio stuff.
Yeah, but back then I probably could have snuck it in. Back in 2009 or 10, I probably could have fucking, but I would have ruined my life. Like I know that I would have done something or said something on the podcast that like today, I would be like, why the fuck did I say that in 2011? I didn't know it was going to come back to haunt me.
I think that's changed a lot, too, or it's starting to.
People are like, eh, enough already. Enough. Especially, again, because so many of the old radio shows are online. Yeah. I mean, there's hours of offensive shit. It's called the whole show. It was 25 hours a week at one point. It was Monday through Friday, 6 to 11. We were doing five hours a day. So funny, too. I mean, there's a lot of offensive stuff.
They would fuck you back then, too, though. They tried to get us with Homeless Charlie when that homeless guy came in, and he was really just a naturally funny human being, and he was brutal, and he was just talking about the...
laura bush and he was talking about the queen of england and having sex and like but but in a way that would would be very very um unpleasant for them yeah and uh and uh we were uh we got kicked off a satellite for a month we got suspended for a month and the only thing that saved us yeah bill was in that day The only thing that saved us was that we were actually on K-Rock.
And since it didn't happen on their airwaves, they kept the show. But that was the one time. I hated Terrestrial. We were doing kind of double duty. And that actually saved us from our lives being our job. We had gotten fired once already. Yeah, I remember that.
Well, Janet Jackson fucked everything without him intending to. Because after that nipple slip, I think Bush was president. It was 2003, and the fines went tenfold. So it went, like, from $35,000 per occurrence to $350,000 per occurrence. That's like... Big jump. And if you did it on 10 stations, you get fined on each station. So I think that that's when everybody just was like, we can't do this.
They cracked down, and then it just started to get shitty. And again, that kind of eventually gave birth to podcasts where people just couldn't hear it on the radio anymore. And podcasts, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted to.
I'm only... I mean, I've done... I do one with my wife, which we've been doing for a while. But this one of just me and a guest, I like a lot. I've only done a few episodes. We've got like eight episodes taped. But I love it. It's so much fun. And total freedom. Total freedom. Total freedom. And it's an hour. And you're in your house. And I didn't think I would like it in the house.
But I can have somebody whenever I want. Whenever you want to do it, you just do it. It's great. That's the best, dude.
And nobody else to have to, no matter how much you like your radio partner, there's always two different thought processes going into it, two different senses of humor. And I just want to say what I want to say, and I want the pace to be what I want the pace to be.
Yeah, you want the control over it. The fact that we were going to get a studio, but they were closed for the holidays. This whole thing happened really fast. So I was just like, I've learned from watching other people lose radio jobs. I'm like, don't fucking languish. Don't just sit there like a lump of shit, hoping and being bitter.
shut up start doing something else so at least you're you know yeah you're focused on something else yeah um you can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself nobody wants to nobody cares nobody's gonna feel sorry for me well that's like life that taught you not to just sit around because like maybe 25 year old version of you would would do that or something you know
Getting fired in 2002 changed my life. That changed everything for me. You see that it can happen. They can take everything from you. You also know that you're going to be okay. I remember I was with Bobby Kelly. We lived in the same building, and I lived on the 22nd floor. I was saying to myself, I should just jump out the window. I finally have fans, and now the whole thing is gone.
My life sucks. Just fucking kill yourself. It was stupid, but then Tough Crowd came along. It's like, there's always something else. There's always something. Always something else. Although now it's just me, so I don't have Colin's fucking coattails to get dragged behind or ONA to come back. So we'll see how it goes.
It was fun. I still see Colin and Keith all the time. Like it'll be Keith Robinson, who's actually just as fun. It's crazy. He had a stroke and Keith is amazing. And I hate, I would never say this to him, but he's amazing because he never feels sorry for himself. Yeah. Like, it's fucking crazy. He never complains about having to walk up and down the steps at the cellar.
A lot of times I'll see him walking from the parking garage to the club and he's just, you know, he can only walk very, very slow and never feel sorry for himself. It's really... And it's exactly the opposite of how I would handle it. You know what I mean? I would be milking it and bitching. And he just did a brilliant hour on Netflix. It's really inspiring to see him.
And he's still funny, which is crazy. That's incredible. And Patrice, these dumb fans, it's always, no matter what, especially with my marriage, what if Patrice was alive? What would he say? And I think that he would love the fact that his name is being used to torture all of us.
He would love the fact that all of a sudden he's this gold standard of life and we're just these fucking shit plebs living in his shadow.
It's nice, yeah. It's like I wish he would have gotten to see it, but I'm happy for him that he's not forgotten. Like, Otto, Otto's not forgotten, but I wish Otto was talked about more, Otto and George. Otto and George, yeah. Yeah, I mean, one of the funniest people to ever live.
Oh, yeah.
He was so great, and I just wish that more people talked about him, but I'm happy for Petrie. You know what I mean? Like, when you see one friend getting so many accolades, you're happy, and then you're like, I wish he got a little bit more. And Greg. And Geraldo. I love Geraldo.
Yeah.
Yeah, he was such a good comic. So funny. So good. His son does comedy. No! His son, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's Greg Jr. What? And he's a good-looking kid, and yeah, he's following his dad's footsteps. I just think how happy Greg would be to see him doing that. He's in the city doing it? He is, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was working at the cellar as a waiter, and now he's out just kind of like, just hustling like every other young comic. It's great to see. That's crazy.
Yeah. Geraldo was a funny dude.
Yeah, he was at Harvard. Jesus Christ. Isn't it crazy how many comics went to law school, went to Harvard, all this stuff? And then there's me. How far did you get? I dropped out of high school.
Do you feel attached to those years? Do you, like, when you look back at, like, high school and, like, they'll, like, because obviously they want you both to go to your reunions because you're who you are. Do you go or do you, like, eh? No.
Who does not laugh at that?
Come on, that's fucking, who would not laugh at that?
I wrote fuck on the wall. When someone puts porn in like some type of presentation and porn, I don't care where it is. It's always funny. It's always funny. Who doesn't enjoy that? I know. With dirty, like just something inappropriate and language wise.
Especially if it's a woman.
No, but I'm pissed I missed that one. Yeah, that's a good one.
Some guy said, I forget who it was that did this interview. He was a prisoner. And he said that one of the things that prisoners would do, which were assholes, is like you read, he got a book, it was a mystery. And somebody had gotten the book first and went back. And the guy who actually does it, they circled his name every time it appeared. I mean, so it just wrecks it.
I'd buy that. I'm going to get a Galaxy. That's really funny.
That is so funny. Yeah. There's really funny people out there. Like when you hear about a guy like this, you're like, what a fucking, sorry, Silver Lake Gun Club, Silver Lake is not getting a gunshot. Yes. That's him.
No, it's not, unfortunately. Oh, it's not? God damn.
I'm not creative like that. I wish I was. My humor works different than that, but I wish I had the ability to do that. That and that T-Mobile thing, that made me laugh out loud like that.
Are you good at that? I'm not good at that. I'm not good at conceptualizing the bigger picture, the scene. For me, it just comes in little spurts and little aggressive actions, and then I'm kind of done.
Yeah, are just... What was Colin's thing again? God, he was so funny with that. Colin, he was just such an ass and that nothing bothers him and he'd always say, hey, fans. Oh, that's right. And it's just so infuriating and he just doesn't care. But he really doesn't care. So it works because it's legit. He's just being ridiculous. He doesn't care. He's not trying to make any big points.
Yeah.
Just the amount of people that will go like, we're fucking talking about it. They just don't understand that he's being an idiot.
I think he's probably... Him or Attell. And you hate saying those guys because of course everyone says them. It's like saying Richard Pryor or Chappelle. But I think Colin is probably my favorite guy to watch because every year it's a new hour. It's about something. And it's really... He's never...
I remember I was on stage one time at the cellar doing something it was just whatever I was just going from A to Z quickly and he just walked through and he went nice writing lazy and he was right I was fucking I'm lazy he never is lazy with his writing it's always it's never the easy road he doesn't do the audience's emotional work I just he's just great he's the best guy
That kind of annoys me. I don't like that he actually, you'll see a clip and you're like, wow, I really didn't know that. That's what he wants me to say. I hate him. I do, too. But the material is great. He's able to take these dry subjects. The Constitution is not a funny thing.
No, red state, blue state, those are not funny subjects, but he makes them hilarious.
and I was only a few years in you know it was like so cutting but it was the same kind of thing where I was like oh he's I'm being lazy like I haven't yeah he's telling you something he's fucking with you yeah but he's also such a great like no matter what he says you know it's coming from a place of a guy who's brilliant and I hate saying that because the word is thrown around too much yeah but I mean he really is fucking his mind Jeselnik has the ability to do that too like where like with Dave you never see the punchline coming again I have no idea where it's
you know we write jokes so you kind of know the fucking a b you never see it coming and it annoys me and jazz like even though he's got kind of like a cadence and a pace yeah and you have an idea of where it might be 90 of the time i still don't see yeah you just you predict you're like this is gonna be fucked up yeah or like and you try to guess which fucked up it'll be yeah but you don't always know
That's how I know I like, that's how I think somebody is good. I'm with colony. I never see it coming when I don't see it coming. I'm like, fuck.
Yeah. It's also, I can't watch guys. I don't want to watch guys who I wish I was doing what they're doing. I know. I know. Same. That guy's better. Yeah. It's upsetting. Do you get those, those like weird petty, I don't say jealousies, but those weird, like fuck, He's great, and I'm just never going to be that. Oh, yeah.
Right. At what point do we let go of... I'm going to, cause there's always that weird dream of being the best and being the one. At what point do we say like, yeah, I'm good at what I do, but I'm not, I'm not going to be that guy. And like, when does that happen?
Yeah, I'm okay with it too. I just don't know when it happened. I don't know what the period was where you kind of slide into accepting that and going, yeah, I'll always be good at what I do and it's great and some people like it and some people think it stinks and that's fine. But that group, I'm not in that group. I don't know when I came to accept that.
Well, some lists are amazing. Segura and Norton. Oh, and Netflix you need to watch.
Wait, who made this up? Did your producers make this up before?
You got it. I know. There's never time. It's also from 2014, Jim.
This is probably Nick Swartzen.
Yeah, this has got to be. I'm going to guess this is 2015. This is not a new list. Although Mulaney's on it, so maybe it's not that old. What year is that from? 2020.
Yeah. He's handsome. He's handsome. Funny.
And a good performer. It's always different. Yep. Yeah, you look at him, you're like, yeah, I get why he's really successful.
Well, when I was five, let's just clarify, not like now. How do you get fired from driving a bus?
If you're hitting something in people or if they relate to something that they don't want to admit or talk about, it always feels good because that's what makes me laugh. And again, it's the stupidest thing. Oh, I was thinking that and I didn't want to say it. But when you hear a comic hit something like that, it still makes me feel something. I mean, that's what politics is.
Somebody says something that I feel in my guts and the guys who are really good at being political are guys who know how to hit that thing that's in your gut and make it look like that's the way everyone else should feel.
You know, it kind of works. And the guy who can work the room the best is usually the guy who wins. Yeah. The guy who can tap into that.
Yeah. Unless it's Bad News Bears, and then I like the new one better. The new one was much better. Yeah. But yeah, I don't like PG movies either. I just feel like, nah, they're going to censor something out that I want to see. It's almost like in Smokey and the Bandit, which is such a great fucking hilarious movie.
There's a line where Jackie Gleason, he sees the cop in the thing and he goes, next time wear a badge on your diety. And it was covering the word dick. But it's so bad. It's such a bad after dub.
But you could see his mouth. He goes, next time wear your badge on your dick, which would have been a really funny line. Really funny. But they, I think, diedy. Yeah. Like your diaper, whatever that is. It was such a bad dub. He's amazing in that.
I don't think I've ever seen a funnier performance by anybody anywhere than him. He's the funniest fat guy ever. Like again, Belushi was great. John Candy was great. Chris Farley's great. But in that realm of like larger than life fat guys. Yes. Nobody was funnier than Gleason. Nobody.
And they said he wouldn't rehearse and he would just kind of like, like they said if he was rubbing his stomach, it meant he was trying to like remember a line. Like he was just one of those guys that was just great in the moment and the rest of them would want to rehearse. I think Joyce Randolph is the only one that got residuals out of that. Trixie. Really?
Yeah, I think her brother was a lawyer or her brother-in-law was a lawyer and she signed something for like whatever she signed, but she wound up getting money over the years and the rest of them did not. Holy shit. Because back then it was live and done and no one thought it would be anything else. Right.
Oh, see, I got it wrong. I thought it was Joyce Randolph. It was Audrey Meadows. Okay, it was one of them. Bro, that's amazing. Yeah, she was really funny, too. She was like the first feminist on TV. She always won. She was always right. She was always smarter than her fucking husband. And she brutalized him. Yeah.
I mean, some of the lines were just... They were just really, really monstrously funny things she got to say. It's the best show ever. It's an incredible show. They couldn't touch sex. They couldn't touch divorce. Nothing that you could kind of... They had such a limited... Yeah.
Corridor, yeah, boundaries, and they were just, you ever see the original Alice? It just doesn't work.
There's like an original Alice, and I think she played a maid on later episodes, but a couple of them, I think her and Trixie were the second ones. Great show. Amazing.
You've never watched The Honeymoons? I've only seen To the Moon, Alice. Oh, it's amazing.
There's only 39 of the classic. Like, there's other ones that were shot for, like, I think, whatever, Cavalcade of Stars, whatever the show was. But the 39, like, the guts of the series episode, the big ones, wow, you've never seen them. No. That's amazing.
Mr. Ed was good. This is great.
Sherman Hemsley, I got to know him a little bit. You did? Yeah, not well, but he would come around. He was doing stand-up, and me and Voss hung out with him. And he's probably, at that time, the most famous person I'd ever been around because homeless people, everyone recognized George Jefferson. But he went on at Caroline's, and he was kind of a half-souled
and he walked on to the Jeffersons theme song and he just did like, you know, 35, 40 minutes of stand up and I think he brought people on but it was nice to get to know him but, you know. Nice guy. Very nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We kept in touch for a while and then he died. Yeah. Yeah, that ended that.
Yes, all good.
It's both.
And pool disasters are like when someone jumps off a roof, you're so vulnerable because it's all concrete and you smash your knees. Oh, dude. Yeah, pool disasters are terrible.
But again, I see the humor in it. Watching somebody get flattened is always funny. It's always funny, yeah.
They just wanted to zip through people. They wanted people as their obstacles.
No, because it looks like the bar, it almost looks like what you would consider a girl's bike. Like the boys' bikes would have the bars where your nuts could smash. Do they have that bar or is that bar low like in a girl's bike? Because it doesn't look like his balls get crunched too bad.
Right. It looks like if that bar had been there right now, his balls would be smashed.
Having fun trying to prove that he's still got it.
He's two blocks back and he's falling. He hasn't run in...
That's the problem. Because he probably had on dress shoes. Yeah. And his friend goes, you want to race like in the old days? Yeah. And he's like, let me take my shoes off. Oh, is that fantastic?
I so wish we had the after shot of just like missing face. You ever see shots of that like motorcycle accidents. I've seen like a lot of videos of people who like have these awful Motorcycle accidents and the fucking piece of their half their face is gone. I can't get on a motorcycle.
I don't know if I saw it.
Yeah, I'd love to see it. This is different. The one I'm thinking of was in a zoo or something, and he had jumped into the tiger cage, and the tiger was just walking around with him, dragging him by the head, and people were throwing things at him. It's crazy how... When an animal like that is eating someone, intervention doesn't matter to it. No, you're fucked. You're just dead. You're doomed.
He's not afraid of people hitting him.
it's net i there was one video it was it was from an african safari and it was like it was a uh it was either a gazelle or what it was one of those a buffalo stuck in the mud like up to the shore and the lions are just eating it alive and then they bite its asshole out yeah because i guess that's sweet but they went for its asshole and they bit his asshole out while he was alive
Yeah. And the buffalo is just standing there. Just embarrassed. Making those noises. Yeah. But you can never tell. That's the same noise they make when they're hungry is the same noise they make when their asshole's being eaten out by a fucking predator. You have no idea. They're very hard to read.
It's called Sword Fight, and we've just been doing it where we have guests come on, and most of them are comics. Yeah. And I just wanted to do something with her because she makes me laugh. That's awesome. And yeah, we do it once a week, and I love it. Awesome. Thank you for coming in. Thank you, Tim.