Jamie Woolf

So we, Dr. Bell and I, collect research on this.

So a recent Harris poll found that 71% of employees have had what they would call a toxic boss.

And over half of them have had nightmares about this boss.

And you know how that goes.

You're out with friends, you're thinking about your boss, you're home with your family, you're thinking about your boss.

And now...

You're lying awake at 3 a.m.

and you're thinking, I need to quit.

And that's an expensive problem for businesses, not just in the lost productivity and the turnover costs, but in all the brilliant creative ideas that never rise to the surface because people were too afraid to speak up.

So why is this so widespread?

Part of the problem is that when we rise to positions of power, we fall prey to what we call power blindness.

We lose sight of how it feels to be the one with less power.

And we lose sight of how our tone of voice or the quick dismissal of an idea can ruin someone's day.

And just by virtue of our title,

People stop telling us the truth.

They don't give us the tough feedback.

They don't even disagree with us.

They laugh at our stupid jokes.

And this creates a massive reality distortion.

And I fell into that reality distortion.

I fell into that real hard.

So fast forward from my surgery story, and now I'm a boss.

I'm 32 years old, and I'm leading a training team at the University of California at Berkeley.

I have eight direct reports, we're gelling as a team, we're putting out all sorts of creative training programs, and you know what?

I'm a good boss.

One day, one of my employees comes into my office, and she says she wants to talk.

but she's crying so hard she can't speak.

So of course I'm concerned, but I'm also a little irritated because I have this budget report due at the end of the day and I've got to get back to it.

When she finally gathers herself enough to speak, she tells me that she has been working so hard to deliver this training program and she's invited me multiple times to come and observe.

and I've been too busy to show up.

And more than that, she feels like I play favorites.

So now I'm thinking, holy crap, I'm the wretched boss.

And that's power blindness in action.

I knew that I had had a truly wretched boss the day I learned I needed surgery.

So my sobbing employee, I failed to see her.

But she saw me.

She saw me a little too well.

When she gave me that feedback, I felt this gut punch of shame.

And I want to say I owned it right away.

So I was 26 years old, and they were telling me this surgery might mean I can't have kids.

But I didn't.

I did what, let's be honest, so many of us do when we get tough feedback.

I blocked that shame.

I built walls around me.

I built a fortress of solitude, just me and my self-justifications.

Well, it was the workplace, so it was a cubicle of solitude.

And from inside here, my employee, she's the problem.

Her accusations of favoritism, I had a logical explanation for all of that.

So inside my cubicle, what's problematic about that is outside, all sorts of bad things might be happening.

People might be upset, feeling demoralized, but they can't get into these walls.

So inside, I'm feeling just fine.

I'm a good boss.

But of course, you can't be a good boss and be that disconnected.

So how do I get out of here?

It starts with a healthy dose of honest self-reflection.

So I was devastated, but my strongest emotion was this surge of excitement because this meant five weeks away from a boss who had made my life miserable.

So when my employee gave me the feedback, that armor was protecting my ego, but it cost me the ability to be a good, supportive, humane boss.

So eventually, I got it, and I started to show up for my employees' trainings, so I could give her meaningful feedback and positive recognition, and I started to carve out time to take her to lunch and get to know her as a person.

And not just that, I also reached out to the other people on my team who I hadn't spent as much time with, and I got to know them as full people too.

And I'll tell you, that significantly deepened the trust, the ability for us to collaborate as an entire team.

Thank you.

And just to be clear, I have two wonderful kids, and part of why I'm here today is they have had more than their fair of terrible bosses, and they're very early in their career.