James Patterson
Appearances
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And there's a motorcycle blocking our driveway with a cop. And we went out and talked to him, shoot the shit a little bit with the cop. He's up there from Miami. And you're going, oh, my God. And I guess most of it had to do with the fact that night they were going to have a big shindig out in West Palm where he was going to whatever. Announced that he won. I mean, in theory, there's a story.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
We had the assassination attempt. But I played that golf course, Trump's golf course. I just don't get the Secret Service. I do not understand why in Pennsylvania there'd be one rooftop and they wouldn't have somebody watching that rooftop at all times. It's 150 yards from where he was speaking. That's like insanity to me.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
On the golf course, when you read about the guy who came by, and it's been like that all the way when he was president, etc., there's a fence. And there's a sidewalk where people just walk by. There's a bus stop there. You can just sit there. That fence is 30 feet from the T on the sixth hole. I'm sorry, Secret Service, you could just pull out a gun at any time.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And they didn't even put a tarp up, so at least you couldn't see in there. I don't get that. That's astonishing to me. You write books and snipers and what they're capable of doing. I don't think it'd be that hard to take a shot at somebody. So you think about stuff like that. Not that I want to kill any presidents.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Oh, it wasn't an impersonator. There's another guy down here in this town who, his name is James Patterson. I know him a little bit. And I've seen him every once in a restaurant or a bar or something. And he told me that he'll go places and people will go, are you the James Patterson? He said, yes, absolutely. I am the James Patterson. Why not? He might as well say that.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
In his world, he is the James Patterson. At any rate, so I had to go out with Clinton. We were getting pitched for people that want to produce the movie of The President is Missing. So we were staying at a smaller part of one of the hotels out there, and the Secret Service liked it because it was smaller and they could control it a little better.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
So I arrived and tried to check in, and they go, oh, Mr. Patterson, would you just take a seat here? We'll be right with you. And about five minutes later, the Secret Service comes down, and they go, oh, no, no, that's James Patterson, the author. And the reason that they were suspicious of me is that the other James Patterson stays there like once a month or something.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And they thought he was the author. Right. So I come and I'm going like, no, I'm the author. And they're like, uh-huh. I don't think so, pal, because we know the author because he comes here every month. It wasn't an imposter. He was playing himself.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
This is true. Right, yeah, right, right.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, they did. They gave me extra fruit and stuff. That was kind of nice, you know, because I was inconvenienced downstairs, you know.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Oh, 100%. Listen, in the book, and there are a couple of those kinds of stories. I don't think this one is in the book. You know, it's interesting what price fame or whatever the hell it is. There's a little Italian restaurant. I'm actually going there tonight with my agent, but I used to go there with my wife. And so we got there one night, and there was about a couple-minute wait for us.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And then the waiter, it's a very small place, he took us down the aisle. We're winding down this little aisle, and this lady pops up. She goes, I know you. I go, oh, hi. And she goes, you sold us our life insurance. I'm like, oh, man. And she would not let go of it. She insisted. I know it's you.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I said, you know, lady, with all due respect, it isn't me, but I would never sell life insurance in southern Florida or beach insurance. I'm not selling your house on the ocean unless I have life insurance. Seems like not a good idea. Weird thing is a little later that same night, we sit down and they serve the appetizers and somebody behind me goes, you're from Boston, right?
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I turn around and he goes, oh my God, you're Tom Clancy. Same night. I said, if I'm Tom Clancy, you're in big trouble because this means you're in heaven or hell, one of the two.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I still haven't figured that one out. What I discovered was that I loved doing it. I had not been a big reader in high school. I was a good student because I wanted to get out of my hometown. And then my family moved to Massachusetts and we were near this mental hospital, McLean, very famous. And I used to work a lot of night shifts. I was getting money to pay for college.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I started going into Cambridge. And then I started writing stories. And I just loved it. I didn't know whether I was any good, but I loved doing it. And I would just write, write, write, write, write. When the first book came out, Thomas Behrman number, famous writer John D. MacDonald gave Little Brown a blurb. And at the time, I'm like 26 years old.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And he said that, I'm quite sure that James Patterson wrote a million words before he started this book. which is a great quote. John D. McDonough, smart guy. Reality of it is I hadn't because I hadn't been living that long, but it was a great compliment. He'd written story after story, and then I decided I'd try novel, which I was lucky.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I have no idea. I don't count.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
They're all Guinness World Records, and I know that, and they were a long time ago, so presumably they still are. It's all fine, and it's nice, and I enjoy laughing at myself, so I smile at that. I don't take myself that seriously. Do you know how many were made into movies? I don't know how many. I mean, there were three Alex Crosses. We now have the series.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
There was a series for Women's Murder Club, which I hated. Kids movie, a couple of documentaries, Filthy Rich, big documentary. We just finished a documentary on the murders in Idaho before college students. And that's really a good documentary because it doesn't sensationalize. It just puts you there in that town and you feel it the way the people in the town felt it and still feel it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I'm really happy with the way that turned out.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
No. I remember with, I think it was Along Came a Spider, and they asked me, there's a character, Gary, S-O-N-E-J-I, in the books. They said, how do you pronounce it? I said, Soniji. So in the movie, of course, they call him Sonji. which is fine, but they asked, and then they could care less. It's gotten a little better lately.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Today, I'm talking with James Patterson, the best-selling author of all time, like in the history of the whole world, kind of, with over 400 million books sold.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
With the cross stuff on Amazon, we talked a lot about it, and Ben Watkins, the showrunner, wanted to do a new story as opposed to one of the books, and I was all for that.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
One of the things I don't like is somebody says they want to do one of the series, Michael Bennett or something, and then they send me like an eight-page outline of the first book, and I'm going like, okay, that doesn't seem very creative to me. I think there should be a difference usually between the book and the movie. So I like the fact that this is a brand new story.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Women's Murder Club, everything went wrong with that. You look at it and a postman gets killed in the first scene. You go, OK, am I supposed to care? And then they go and interview the postman's grandmother and the postman's uncle. And you go, seriously? And they go, yeah, because it's going to be the dialogue between the women. I'm going like, I don't know, man. I mean, that's a piece of it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
But there's also a mystery story here. And that ain't it. Right. So they sort of missed the point. Yeah. Plus, a couple of cast members really didn't like each other. Angie Harmon was one. She was great. And she would call me pretty much every week and go, please help me. And a couple of the women, they were just bad news. It was painful. And there's always ways to make these things work.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
All of the books, it's all problem solving. How do we solve that problem? I have a whole series, Walking My Combat Boots. We just did American Heroes about Medal of Honor winners. And Matt Eversman, who I deal with, Matt was the actual sergeant who was portrayed in the movie Black Hawk Down. Great guy, good friend of mine. has seen a lot of combat.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I saw him doing some interviews with men and women who had been in combat, and he'd get them to talk about it. And I was watching these interviews, and I went to him, I said, Matt, and I had the title, Walking My Combat Boots, I'd like to do something. And the mission will be that if you've been in combat, you'd say Everson and Patterson got it right.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And if you're one of these people that like to BS, that you really understand things that you don't, You would read it and go, OK, I really didn't understand the military at all. And now I understand a lot better. But the problem was, OK, so Matt did most of the interviews. I did a few, but they're like 50 page interviews. That's not a book.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And the problem solving was my saying to Matt, look, I want to turn these into five or six page stories. So each person that's interviewed, you're going to get a sense for who that person is. why they went into the military, and then a couple other stories that are going to really be really interesting to read. So it's going to be a Pacey and read the American heroes.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Every single one of those stories could be a movie. It's just amazing. One of these guys was at Iwo Jima. This is way back, obviously, World War II. And he had a flamethrower. And each flamethrower was a 90-pound flamethrower. And he went running with this 90-pound thing. And he would go into these places where snipers were and flamethrow the snipers.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
He did nine of these sniper outposts with a flamethrower on his back. And he had to reload it every time. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. And it's hard to come by now. Duty, honors, things like that. And you just go like, well, I don't know, man. I think we need a little sacrifice. We don't seem to want to sacrifice. Well, you become pretty greedy, I think, about stuff. It's interesting.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
It's the kind of thing that can get you in trouble. But part of it is, stop thinking that the government or the president is going to solve all your problems. Dude, take some responsibility for your life. You did some of this to yourself. And you kind of sit there and go, OK, I screwed up a little bit. And not all on the government. There have always been problems.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
You always wanted things that could be a whole lot better. Oh, we'll get a new president. That'll solve it. Or we'll get a new coach for our team. That'll solve it. It might. This is quite a time to be discussing this a few days post-election for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I try not to get too much into politics. I didn't get into it that much here in terms of where I sit on things, but...
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
In this episode, we dig into creativity, idea generation, thoughts on writing for the masses, what keeps people's attention, writer's block, literacy, his writing process, and a whole lot more. He was actually really engaged and engaging on this episode, and I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I don't particularly like listening to entertainers on television who sit there and really go on and on and on. I mean, sing a song or something, do what you do, but they have the right to do it. But it always comes from like they really, really know because they've been talking to people who really know. And obviously nobody really knows. I mean, one of the weird things about this election is
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Nobody was out there interviewing, not much anyway, or the TV shows. You watch all these shows with all their interviewers. I didn't see a whole lot of Latinos there. And Latinos were really the key. And that's 12, 14 percent of the country now. And folks, where are these smart people paying attention to this, which probably made the difference in the election?
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
This was back a while ago. Right now, obviously, it's a different thing in Hollywood. And at the time, I didn't have a lot of money. And it was a million dollars on the table. And I said, no can do. Sorry, can't do it. I had to walk away. But part of it with Alex was I grew up in a town, real blue collar, a pretty heavy black population. I played a lot of basketball. So that was another connect.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And my grandparents had a very small restaurant. And the chef cook was a black woman. And she was having problems with her husband. And she moved in with our family for a couple of years. And during that period, I spent a lot of time with her family. And they were funny and smart. And the music was good. And the food was great. And I like being with her family better than being with my family.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
But that's a little bit of where the Cross family came from. They're not based on that family, but that's a little of that. But that's at least part of what started the Cross stuff.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
So I've been clean for over 25 years now. I don't know why you bring that up, you bastard.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Thank you. Thank you.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
That was when I was running the New York office and I'd just taken it over. And some of the offices were quite good. The New York office was quite bad and you couldn't get people in there. So I'm running the creative department and it's, oh, we can't hire anybody because nobody wants to come work there. So once again, it's this problem solution thing. And I did an ad, write if you want work.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And it was six questions. And there were questions like it listed the ingredients on, you know, baked beans. And they're terrible ingredients. And it just said, make it sound mouthwatering. You know, stuff like that. And you could read the six answers in three, four, five minutes, and you could tell immediately whether that person, A, could write and B, could solve problems. I see.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Because it wasn't like hide from the problem by being a smarty-ass writer. It was like, no, you got to solve the problem. You know, sell a telephone system to a trappist monk who don't speak. And I'm actually doing a nonfiction book right now, which deals with that kind of thing, solving problems in innovative ways.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
What it taught me was there's an audience. You go in there and you're a kid and you go, oh, geez, I can do this, stand on my head. And you give them an idea and they test it and nobody paid any attention. And you go, oh, okay, this is not as simple as I thought it was. But that whole idea of an audience, it relates to book covers, which I get involved in the book jacket thing.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I have a simple thing about book covers that you need to notice it and it needs to motivate you. So it's an easy way to look at and go like, I wouldn't notice this on a book stand. Okay, next.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And then I notice it, but it doesn't turn me on at all about this particular mystery or whatever the heck it is. a related thing. When I was in advertising, I used to address the first year people and I would get up there and say, I can tell you the secret to making a million dollars a year or some nice sum in advertising. And it really is relatively simple.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I don't know what vacation is. I keep hearing that word, but I don't know what it means. My life is a vacation in the sense that I don't work for a living. I play for a living. So that's the vacation part of it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I'd call up somebody and they would give me this cream pie and I would stand there holding this cream pie in front of a hundred or so first year people. And then I would call somebody up from the audience and I would sit there holding the pie and they're standing next to me and I'm looking at them and holding the pie. And I said, well, here's how it goes. I gave the pie to your person.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I said, hit me. They hit me in the face with the cream pie. And I said, here's the secret. Hit them in the face with the cream pie. And while you have their attention, say something smart. That's it. No cream pie. They didn't even notice it. So forget about it. You're just talking to yourself. And if you don't say something smart, once you get their attention, it's irrelevant. And that's it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Hit them and no cream pie, no sale, and nothing motivational, no sale.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
No, it should. And on another scale, the whole thing about chapters flowing into chapters. One of the things you always like to do at the end of the chapter is they must turn that next page. Bill Goldman, just to be reading Marathon Man, he's so good at that. And it was a good movie, but the book is so much better. It's just every single chapter.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
The writing is just wonderful, so entertaining, and he just keeps sucking you in and surprising you every single chapter. That's what the really good ones do.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I already was succeeding, so I had some bestsellers, so I knew I was semi-comfortable. That's also one of the stories in the autobiography where I had a house on the ocean in the Jersey shores. It wasn't a mansion, but it was a nice house. And it was a Sunday and I had to go back to New York to do some advertising crap. And I'm like, oh man, I hate this.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I was on the Jersey Turnpike or one of the roads going north. And it was like five mile an hour traffic. It was hideous. And I'm on that road and I don't want to go back to New York anyway. It's a beautiful day. I just left the beach and it's like one o'clock in the afternoon or something. And on the other side of the road, like about every 15 seconds, a car went by. Whoosh. Another 10.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Whoosh. And I watched this for about an hour or so. And here was this object lesson. And it occurred to me that I'm on the wrong damn side of the highway. And my whole life is on the wrong side of the highway. And I got to get on the other side, not the side that's going into New York at five miles an hour to someplace that I don't want to go to.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
The other side where cars are going at whatever speed they want to go and they're going where they want to go. And that's when I decided. And within a week, I told the guy that I worked for, I said, look, I'm going to give you time to replace me, even though I'm irreplaceable. But I'm gone. You want more money?
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
You're right. But I think he got it. And he did let me go. He's still a good friend, which is nice.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
No, I don't think I ever had it big time. But the first book that I wrote, Thomas Barham, that was turned down by, I don't know, 31 publishers. Then, like, a year finally picks up, and it wins an Edgar. And I was working at J. Walter in advertising. I got this call from this woman. She said, this is a mystery writer who's American.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Your first book has been nominated for an Edgar in the Best First Mystery. And I said, oh, my God, that's really great. When's the date? And she told me, I said, I can't go. I don't know why, but I said, I can't go. And she said, no, no, no, no. You've been nominated. I said, I know I heard you, but I can't go. And she said, no, you have to go. You won. I said, OK, well, I'm going to go somehow.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
But the weird thing was, so I get there. I brought my parents. This is so cool. I'm 26 years old, 27 maybe. And I still I sat in the audience. I go, maybe she lied to me just to get me there.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, in other words, there was still some tension. Anyway, when I got up, my whole speech was, I guess I'm a writer now. Huh. That must have killed. Yeah, right. They never stopped clapping. Oh, my God. But what I meant by it was, especially in those days, if you told somebody you're at a bar and you're meeting a nice girl, what do you do? You're a writer. Oh, have you published anything? No.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And they just immediately walk away. Nowadays, you could say, oh, I published on the internet or something. Oh, that's interesting. But in those days, you were considered a fraud if you call yourself a writer and you hadn't been published.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, the worst thing is that they say, I am too. Let me tell you about mine.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yes, that was one time we went out. It was so bizarre. This golf course was covered with seagull turds.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah. John Grisham, his first book, which I think is still one of his best, A Time to Kill. And none of the big publishers wanted it. He sold it to a small publisher in New Jersey. And then I think his next one might have been a firm. And then everybody wanted that one. And he broke that big time. But the first one, nothing. Yeah. Ellen Hildebrand, she had a lot of trouble in the beginning.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Baldacci wrote about hundreds of stories, couldn't get them published. Yeah. I never sold a short story. The first thing I sold was a book with a full-length novel. Yeah.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
No. No. No, I think they're good stories. I am confident that I'm a good storyteller. The end. And I'm still driven in a big way because I always hope the next one will be the best one or one that I really like. I have a series with Mike Lupica, who's become one of my best friends, sports writer, Hall of Fame. He was on ESPN, the sports reporter show for about 20 years. And we have a series.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Jane Smith is the lead character. And I think that it's the best character since Alice Cross that I've done, I think. The initial thing was going to be three books. It was going to be 12 months to live, eight months to live, four months to live, because she gets a death sentence in the first book. And just the way Jane is, Jane Effing Smith, that was going to be the first title.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
She had been a cop briefly, and then she was a private investigator briefly, and now she's a defense attorney. She's never lost. She curses in court. She's really interesting, funny, presses around. She's a really cool character. And when she gets the 12 months from the doctor, she negotiates it up to 16 months. So whatever, that's the spirit of it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
But it's just been so much fun creating that character. Renee Zellinger has signed on to play it. She'll be great. We sold it to HBO Maramax. And one of the writers from Mickey Johnson, who's a writer on Ozark, and then on the Presumed Innocent, the newest version of that, she's a great writer. David E. Kelly is involved. So I am hopeful that will be not just a series, but a really good series.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
No, no, no. You'd lay them out flat. It's not like you're going to drive them into the ground. At any rate, one funny story about that was my friend and I, we were at a public golf course in New York. This was a little before Christmas. And our thing was, if you wouldn't mind taking a walk that day, it would be fine. And we'd go out there and hit some balls. And we got around the third hole.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, I did the first love of my life who died in her 30s. And after that, I could not write. I tried to write. To this day, I don't remember the title. I don't remember anything about the book. And eventually I shredded and people go, no, you didn't. I said, yeah, I did. I knew it was awful. So it wasn't writer's block, but it was. I just could not do it. I don't even know why.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I mean, there was something dead in my brain. There's no imagination there. It just couldn't do what it had been doing. One other time, I had a little operation. And they say sometimes after you've had an operation, there were a couple of weeks when I was fuzzy and foggy and I really couldn't write well. I was sort of like, okay, this is not good. Oh, from anesthesia? So now no anesthesia.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Okay.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Very simple. One of two things. One, I just go to the next chapter or two chapters later, just write TBD for that chapter number, meaning the next time around or the next time around, because I'm a big rewriter. And sometimes you just go, okay, this is going to become a paragraph leading off a chapter.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
What had been was going to be, and it's just, okay, and that's the solution or the best that I can come up with.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll clean them up before I put it in, but yeah.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah. Oh, kids, kids, kids, please. Your kid comes home. How was school? What are you going to do this year? I don't know. And in school, man, well, what could you do? You could write, you could read, you could play soccer, you could rob a liquor store. So many possibilities. But just getting him in that habit of, you know, getting past that first thought and or the blank screen.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
It started snowing. And by about the sixth hole, you couldn't putt, I mean, because the ball just wouldn't go anywhere. So we're laughing, and that's why we're not taking it very seriously. So we'll just play nine, and we were proud of ourselves because it was already a couple inches on the ground. And as we were going into the clubhouse, there were four guys walking out to the first tee.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
If they did that in school, every single class or at least one class a day, just getting them used to going to the next step. This whole thing of first impression, first impression is frequently wrong and screwed up, messed up. How many people have you met in your first impression? You really, you got it all wrong. They were okay. They were shy.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, if you know it then, but then at least you can come back and go, I'm going to give you another chance.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And then you go, oh, no, I was right the first time.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, we just have one, Jack. We tried to do that. The thing with Jack, a piece of it was trying to get him comfortable and understand what the core of himself is. Okay, I understand the acne problem and the hair, all that stuff, but that stuff doesn't matter. And we have sympathy for it, but just reminding him of who you are and getting comfortable with that. I wanted to play in the NBA.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, that's not happening. I know one woman, and she went to a CC college to golf rather than an Ivy League college. And you go, seriously, lady, you're not going on the tour. But kids will do that, and they'll go to a not terribly good college. They could have gone to a lot better one because they all love the sport.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And if you got a chance to go to the NFL, I guess, but otherwise, I don't know about that. And I had a little of that myself in terms of, I want to go play ball. And really? Yeah.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I'm on a computer right here in front of me, but there is a computer and I will use it for some research and stuff like that, but not to write. Gotcha. Yeah, it's pencil and pad. Yeah, there's pads all over this office. And around the office, there are all these ledges and whatever. And there are, I don't know how many, I'm going to say 30 live projects right now, 29, 30, something like that.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
As I said, usually I will get it the next time. And if I don't, the next time and the time after that, I will just figure out a way to eliminate.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
The thing with one of the books I have coming out next year, we're all aware of this now. A lot of males in the country are really in a lot of trouble. They feel displaced and lost and irritated and angry, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And this is a book that will help them become better dads. Oh. I'm not going to go into it too much. Maybe we can talk about it some other time.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
This is going to be around Father's Day. I read everything I could find on it and then talked to hundreds of dads about tricks of the trade. Just to give you one little example. It wasn't little in my life. The only time I remember getting a hug from my father was on his deathbed. One page in the thing, and it's a short book, is just hugs and the importance of hugs.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
One guy goes, Marty, you think we'll get an 18?
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Every day that Jack, when he was a kid, and when he comes home now, he gets a hug every day. That's the deal. One of my friends, his kids played football in high school, and we were over at their house for dinner one night. My friend's a teacher, high school teacher. And after dinner, the boys were heading out the front door, and he goes, where do you guys think you're going?
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Because we're going out, man. He said, come here. He pulled him over and he made him give him a hug before they went out. And I said, I always remember. I said, I'm going to do that, man. I'm going to do it. That's a great thing.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, that's one of the big things. Absolutely. Oh, but those two paragraphs, they really don't, they shouldn't be there. Or that chap, oh my God, no. Like the Hummingbird book that he talked about. Yeah, you get the sunk cost fallacy. And writers are like that. Oh, that sentence, it's so beautiful. Yeah, but it really doesn't fit, man. And there's a lot of stuff like that.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I don't think people would like me as an editor because I'd be cutting a lot of stuff out.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, even, you know, with CEOs and stuff, when my editor became the head of Little Brown and I said to my editor, I said, Michael, one of the things you want to consider doing, you sit down and the night before you've done your to-do list, the 20 things you got to do, when you go in the next morning, the first thing you do is cross off 10 of the things.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
All right. OK. All right. Let's go.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
In like 30 seconds, you've cut your workload in half because you're prioritizing and cutting out stuff that really didn't need to get done, that you nervously or foolishly put down there.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah. And I'm sure Warren's a very nice guy. And yeah, it was weird, though. I can't remember whether it was his agent. I think it was his agent. He said, Warren would really like to meet with you. I said, oh, that'd be great. I'd love to meet with Warren Beatty. Terrific. Bonnie and Clyde, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he walked over like about 10 minutes later. I'm like, okay. It's so weird.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Okay. Didn't want to get rejected. It was a little strange, whatever it was. What was the Tom Cruise? The Tom Cruise, that was just hilarious. So we have the same age in creative artists. We're sort of on different levels.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At any rate, New York Times had done a thing on the cover of the magazine. And CAA said, well, Com Cruise would love to meet with you. I was out in L.A. And I said, yeah, it'd be great. And they said, just stay in your room and stay by your phone. And OK, fine.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
So eventually a call came in and they said, OK, now the driver's downstairs, but don't tell him where you're going. I said, OK, fine. So we go down to the car and we drive not far from the hotel. And they pull up to the gate. The driver goes, oh, this is Tom Cruise's house. I go, yes, it is. And he was great. In those days, he was still with, I forget her name, the wife and a little girl.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I don't know. I've never really figured out. I guess in theory it seems obnoxious to do it. But I guess in theory you could say doctor or whatever. You can just go online and get a doctor. You could probably buy one cheap. You could be a minister now, and you can do that.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
She was on his lap for 10, 15 minutes the first time we got together. And she was delightful, very sweet, nice, behaved, da-da-da. You could tell that they were very close at that point. And he was terrific. He's not that short. Had a big basketball court in the front of his house. And it was a really nice experience. Tom Cruise, not that short.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
People love to focus on that, like he's only 5'6", or whatever. I don't know how tall he was, but it didn't occur to me when I was meeting with him. He was engaging. You listen. Some people are really good listeners, which is nice. Hillary Clinton's a really good listener. The first time we went out to dinner, the Clintons,
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
It was about three hours because we just blah, blah, blah, blah, everywhere. But Hillary was so warm, friendly, funny, and a listener. Man, the people that handled her really just screwed up royally because they needed to get this out because that's more who she is. She's not really comfortable in a crowd, I guess. She has trouble showing the real person. But it was really interesting.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I like her. I like both of them. But I was a little surprised at how warm and funny Hillary is.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Usually it does. I get these things. I get ice cream and pens and all the pencils and... But no, nobody picked up on the, yeah, I do that on Substack. Wednesday on Substack is free Wednesdays and a giveaway ship. Use pencils where I've been chewing the eraser and stuff. Good stuff. Useful, you know, yeah.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, well, I won't care at that point. It's like legacies. I don't care. Buildings named after me. No, I don't care. Do you still write 360 days a year? Pretty much. I don't know the exact number, but yeah, it's 350 something, yeah, whatever it is. It's rare that I don't write. What stops you from writing? Usually something that came up. I'm traveling somewhere or something, you know.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
But if I'm traveling on a plane, I'll always write. I don't remember the last time, to be honest with you. Maybe it is 365 days a year. Yeah, wow.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Uh-huh. Part of it was, I'm a big fan. I'd read pretty much everything that Michael Crichton had written, including his nonfiction Travels, which is a really cool nonfiction that he wrote about. However, a lot of people don't know his story, but Michael... Went to Harvard undergraduate. And then when he graduated, his father said, where are you going to go? And he said, I want to be a writer.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
His father said, don't be ridiculous. So Michael went back and he went to med school. And then he wrote two or three books. I think he'd written some undergraduate under pseudonyms. And when he graduated from med school, he had already written Andromeda Strain and it had sold for a bunch of money. So he never practiced medicine. So he went to med school and never practiced medicine.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
At any rate, they came to me with partial manuscript. And I said, would you like to finish this? I don't know. Let me read what he wrote. I read it and I went, oh, yeah, there's a cool, there were like two ticking clocks. One was potentially the worst volcano ever to happen in the Hawaiian Islands. And then there was something even worse buried on this island.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
So there were two clocks saying, well, yeah, this would be cool. And he hadn't laid out at all, like what was going to happen at a volcano or the other thing. But I love the idea of finishing because it was a good story and I wanted to know what the hell was going to happen at the end. But also, I hadn't really written anything with a lot of science in it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
So suddenly, I had to put a lot of science in the book. And so I got a researcher. It teaches at the University of Anchorage, Alaska. Elizabeth from Alaska. So she became my researcher. And we would go back and forth. And I'd say, here's what I'm thinking. And she'd go, I don't think that could ever happen. And then the next day, she'd call up and go, I can make that work. Yeah, it was.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Legacy was the biggest thing to me. And Sherry, his widow, was pregnant with her son when he died, so he never met his son. So that was a big thing also with the son, that he would take some pride in the book, which his father had started and never finished. So that was the big part. And the thing that I'm proudest of in the book is I defy anybody to figure out where Michael stopped and I started.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I think that's pretty cool, the fact that I think it's pretty seamless. That's cool. I'm happy.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
But also, we need heroes. And one of the things about the military, and it's very true in this book, in American Heroes, but also Walking My Combat Boots, the military is about we, not me. And one of the things I think we need to get back to a bit more is we. Whatever your party is, whatever the deal is, it just has to be more we rather than just me.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And as I said, it's very readable, American Heroes. You can do a lot of things in life that are just small, heroic things to do.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, and a lot of people, they look out there and go, well, everybody's doing it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Fun fact, he actually wrote the Toys R Us jingle when we were kids. Remember, I don't want to grow up. I'm a Toys R Us kid. Remember that thing? He sold 400 million books.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
All things James Patterson will be in the show notes at jordanharbinger.com. advertisers, deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show, all at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support this show.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Character development. Yeah, well, you know, it's a tough audience.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
They'll tend to go into a little historical angle or sociological or whatever, which you don't get as much. What I was really talking about is you go on the road and I don't blame them. You're in wherever Grand Rapids or somewhere. It's a four minute piece and they're not going to read the book for the four minute thing. I get it. So you do get, so James, you got a new book. Tell us about it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
You get used to it. Yeah. Yeah. Read the flap copy. You should be able to get a few questions out of that. So Alex is in trouble again. Alice Cross. Oh, yeah. What a surprise. Oh, yeah. Wonderful. Did he make it? Is this the end of the Alice Cross series?
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
It's a lot of self-help books or books where somebody's written a neat article in The New Yorker or something, and then it publishes this, turn it into 300 pages. And they do, but really the article in The New Yorker would have sufficed. Yes. So there is that, yeah.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, I pretend there's one person sitting across from me and I don't want them to get up until I finish the story. to always believe that our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness, or at least frequently. And I get people to turn the pages. That's a strength. The weaknesses sometimes don't go as deep as they should.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I got into this a little bit when I went to the screening for the Alex Cross that's going to be on Amazon. And I got up there and I was with Aldous Hodge, who's the star and then the showrunner, Ben Watkins. And I said, I feel in the series that they got deeper. They got deeper into Alex. And I thought that was great. I thought he's more contemporary. He's not as perfect. He's more flawed.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
It's more of the reality of Washington, D.C. and what it would be to be a cop there with kids. I'm very happy with the way it turned out.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
No, you kind of know. Yeah, that line actually is Elmore Leonard. Somebody asked him, how did he all of a sudden go from not selling much to selling very well? And he said, I just started leaving out the parts that people skim.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, I mean, part of it is you're talking to somebody. It's the same thing. Oh, my God, I don't need every single detail. Get to the good parts or you start somewhere. It's a beginning, middle, and end. It's a basic thing. And for some people, the middle is really long and there's no beginning and no end.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah. If you can write beginnings and ends, you'll sell well. If you actually write middles, too, you'll get to a Pulitzer, maybe. Yeah. This was on Chris Wallace's show. Okay. That was something, too. because he wanted it, and I get it. He thought that a hook of the show would be that you go for whatever the time was, 45 minutes, or there's no editing, no blah, blah, blah.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I just wouldn't play it. I wasn't trying to be unpleasant, but I just wouldn't let him do that. I wouldn't let him cut me off and stuff like that. So it was going to go over, and I knew there were going to be things, because I was cursing occasionally, that he'd want to cut. And he turned to my wife, Sue, who was in the studio. He said, is he always like this? And she said, yes, unfortunately.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Listen, I mean, that's one of the issues with network television with fiction shows, where the scene has got to work so that it's time for a commercial break versus when you're writing for Netflix or Amazon or whatever, and you don't have to write to commercial breaks. That's really good.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Pretty much. I probably could show off a little bit, but I don't want to do that. And a lot of writers really, I think they want to show off or they want to talk to their friends more than tell an honest story or try to tell stories as well as you can. I'm on Substack now and I do interviews and they're short. They're 20, 30 minutes. And it's been cool. I did President Clinton.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
It's a beautiful day. I just left the beach, one o'clock in the afternoon or something. And it was like five mile an hour traffic. It was hideous. And on the other side of the road, about every 15 seconds, a car went by, whoosh. And I watched this for about an hour or so. And here was this object lesson. And it occurred to me that I'm on the wrong damn side of the highway.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I did Baldacci and Ellen Hildebrand. And it's been fun. I enjoy it. I just did Dolly Parton, which was really great. That was fun.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And it's true with President Clinton and Dolly, and now I'm working with Viola Davis, and they've all become friends.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Well, it's, you know, when I interviewed David Baldacci, he doesn't use outlines at all, which is interesting. He just wings it. And some writers do. I'm big on outlines. Interestingly, the first Alice Cross, I really wanted to do it differently than what I'd done before then. And the outline was something like 350 pages. That's like the whole book. It wasn't, but it was close.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I read it, and that's where the short chapters came from, the colloquial writing. And I said, I like this. I did expand it another 100 pages or so, but that's where that whole style came from, that very long outline. But in general, I'll have 60 to 80 page outlines. And I'm not a slave to them. And sometimes the villain will be really interesting.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And I don't want the villain to die at the end of the book because I want to write about the villain again. Or a character gets more interesting than I thought. Or one of the drafts that I'll do, I'll go through and just look at every chapter and go, well, I went here. What if I go somewhere else? If I do this twist, what will it do to the story? Will that be fun? I like that.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
That draft is one of the things that makes the books interesting because you surprise people, which I think is important for my kind of book.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
100%.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, what I'll usually do is there'll be three or four or five different things. It might be a couple of storylines. So I will just write scenes down for that storyline and then for the next storyline and then scenes with Alex and his family in no particular order. And then at a certain point, I'll sit down and try to do the outline where I'll put the scenes in some kind of order.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
That's a really good example because directors do that. A lot of the young Turks now, they just go, well, I'll just go shoot it. You get somebody like, who's the guy that did Black Hawk Down? His brother died, Brett. whatever. But what he does is he's famous for it. He's a really good illustrator and he draws all the scenes. Like it actually draws like a comic book.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
He literally will draw out the scenes. Wow. Okay. Well, and the great thing about that is even if he wants to change it, he goes in and he knows what he wants to shoot and why he wants to shoot it. With, I think, the best directors, they don't just do crazy angles because they can. They do it because it's part of the story.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
It makes sense with the story as opposed to just going to be, oh, well, I'll shoot this on overhead or I'll shoot this from the, you know, why? Because that's the voice. And the voice is just a bunch of special effects and stuff. And it works for a lot of people, but I'm not a big fan of that.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
And my whole life is on the wrong side of the highway. And I got to get on the other side.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, there's a big stack with the clever title ideas on it. And there are literally hundreds and hundreds of ideas that I have for books. When I'm going to do a new story, sometimes I'll just go through that and see if there's anything that kind of turns me on. I don't know that I'll pull this off, but I probably won't so I can mention it.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I'm thinking of this story now where this detective's wife gets murdered and he thinks she's come back as a hummingbird. And I don't know. I'll see whether I can pull that sucker off.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
Yeah, and she's going to help him somehow solve her murder as a hummingbird.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
I wouldn't do it unless I thought they could pull it off. Of course, yeah. And I don't know that I can. I'm betting against myself here since I'm laying that one out there.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
1100: James Patterson | Building the Architecture of Addictive Fiction
All of the above. Really? Anything that's sort of odd and you go like, this didn't do it, but I happen to live most of the year in Florida. And I'm literally one mile north of Mar-a-Lago. So on election day, my wife filmed the whole thing. 32 SUVs come by and he's going to vote. He being President Trump. The ambulance or the medical supply thing and 30 motorcycles.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Oh, my God, it's National Public Radio.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Okay.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Well, they just came through. You know, I have this prolific or prodigious imagination or whatever the heck it is. I call it a sickness. So, number one, I want to go with Charlie's kids' ideas. I know he wasn't keen on them, but this is called Bella and the Farting Ninjas. Oh, perfect. Okay. Bella is on a boat from Japan. She's with her person, and she calls her person her hold me, okay?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
And they meet the farting ninjas on board. Bella thinks they're vulgar, uncivilized, juvenile, and stinky, of course. Months later, she's very lonely in New York. She's being kept in an umbrella stand more than she'd like to. And one day, her hold me pulls her out of the stand. And outside, a New York cop has turned on a fire hydrant in the street. What's this?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
The farting ninjas are dancing in the hydrant spray. It looks like stinky fun. Bella and her hold me join them. Bella dances with the farting ninjas. Maybe they become briefly hold me's for her. Life is good, but stinky. Okay. Number two.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
We're going to keep going. This takes place in Brooklyn. Number two.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Heavy accents. Bella, the umbrella. And Bella's purse and her hold me in this one is Luca. So we got Bella, the umbrella, and Luca. Okay. And Luca's grumpy and gloomy because it's a rainy day, and they walk the gloomy streets of Brooklyn until they end up in Coney Island. And they see hundreds of kids there, and all the kids, the holdmes, have umbrellas.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Bella's holdme dies. A sweet old lady. Beautiful death. The time was up. Bella goes to the funeral. She goes with her Her new Hold Me, the old lady's granddaughter. She's already liking this Hold Me so, so much. Life goes on. Until, of course, Bella's canopy or metal ribs start to break down, but we won't go into that. The fourth one, and this is the one I would do as the feature movie.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
It's a beautiful rainy day. Bella couldn't be happier. This is heaven for her. Cars and trucks are coming by and splashing Bella and her Hold Me. Her Hold Me is not as happy about this as Bella is. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a heartbreaker for Bella. The sun is coming out. Blue skies. Sun. Bella doesn't know what to do. But her hold me heads to the beach. What's this?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Suddenly, Bella has a new purpose. She's what comes between her hold me and the damaging rays of the sun. Beautiful, Bella. Just beautiful. Now, I'm skipping a few. I'm skipping Bella and the blizzard. Bella and the two tsunamis. and Bella and the Deadpool episode. But there's so many ways to take this story. Wow.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
All right. That's what we do. That's what we do here in the little workshop.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Yeah, I could write another 100 about Bella. We could probably do this about Bella. Every week we could come on and tell another Bella story.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Yeah, Deadpool, I want to do that one. It's a tsunami, big one, blizzard, big, unexpected.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
All right, well, good for Charlie.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Yeah, which is great. I love working with her.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Just like this. I just do all the work, and they take credit on the cover. No. It varies with whoever I'm writing with.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
I'm not going to work with Charlie, no. With all due respect.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Okay, we look, yeah, Charlie, good luck, and keep coming up with those wonderful ideas, and yeah. Stella the Umbrella is her sister.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
HTDE: The Perfect Christmas Present with James Patterson and Gillian Flynn
Be good.