Jake Haendel
Appearances
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Come to find out, her parents bought her this house. Yeah, her name was on it. She owned, like, a small amount of equity in it. Whatever. It doesn't matter. There were lies on both sides, I guess. So this...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
rv thing gets i'm like so what's the plan here i've always wanted to visit all these states and i bought this rv and i saw it was called the queen victoria it was from like 1970 it needed work and she also had a part-time job at a motorcycle shop Which I also thought was sick. And this RV was parked there and the guy who owned the shop was doing work to it. I'm like, what's the plan?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And she's like, well, I'm going to drive from here down south. She had like a playlist for every state. Go through Alabama. and swing through the tip of Florida had more southwest through Texas and I'm gonna end in Seattle and I'm like why Seattle this was another thing she kept for me until this point she was
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
like well there's this like guy out there and he's like a dj and we've been together off and on for years he has substance abuse issues and can be like kind of a dick i'm trying to remember what she said exactly but that was the gist And she's like, and I'm going to end there and like stay out there for a while. Maybe I'll get back with him or maybe I'll come home. I don't know.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I don't know exactly what I said out loud. Maybe nothing yet.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I think infatuated is a word because every moment of my day, I'm thinking about her.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I never seemed mad. Fucking piece of shit liar. What is this? What is this? You think I don't know what this is? I asked you the first day we met. First day we hung out. Do you do opiates? What did you say? I'm like, fuck, yeah. I'm trying to quit. I'm so sorry. Why'd you lie? I didn't want to blow it with you day one. I really fucking like you and I'm really trying to get clean.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And she just railed in to me for a while. And I was like, I deserve it. I deserve it. Thing with drugs, it's something you are never honest about ever. And you're used to hiding from everyone. And I was never able to be fully honest. Even when she claimed she wanted, I don't know if this is true, but, you know, be fully honest with me about this act. I couldn't do it.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I was partially honest about some. It came to the point where I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her. What are you doing in there? What are you doing in there? And, like, probably 70% of the time, you know, I was sneaking a hit or something. It actually started making me do more. Anyway, still looking forward to this RV trip. I was like, look, I want to go with you.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
We can go to Seattle, but I want to be with you. I love you. I won't be able to do drugs. I might be sick for a while, but you know, it'll work. And anyway, it was like a plan. We were going together. I gave notice to Horseshoe Pub. It was kind of one of those stomach-dropping decisions. Like, I felt like, oh, wow, this is, like, real.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And I gave notice, and I started putting money into the RV and time and making fixes. I remember I mounted, like, 50-inch TV to our master bedroom in the RV. Like, it was sick. And then I got her pregnant a month away before departure. Oh shit. I always wanted to be a dad. The way she told me there was this picture. It looks like a pencil drawing.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And she holds it with two eyes and then turns it around. And it's written, I'm pregnant on it. And I thought it was really cute, actually. And I was like, why are you so sad? Is this not a good thing? And she's like, well, I don't know what you want. And I'm like, well... I don't know what you want, but if you want, I want. Like, I love you. It's your choice. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Even if I really want it, it's your choice. Hugged her kiss or this RV trip is like, do we go? Do we not? I was like, fuck. I gotta get clean. I gotta save money. I gotta get a job. I had always told myself, stop doing drugs. When I have a kid, or I hit 30. One or the other. Now, we never got to see if it'd live up to that totally. Three and a half months in, she has a miscarriage.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And it fucking crushed me. Obviously her, too. I went off the deep end. Things weren't perfect between me and Ellen. I just remember us arguing. It was... I don't know. I was very sad. And I do what I do best in those times of depression. I... I go to self-medicating and...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
this whole kind of gotta be prepared to be a father went out the window immediately and first thing I did is I went to the bar started drinking pretty hard and started doing heroin in the bar's bathroom just getting fucked up I don't think I was too responsive to her calls in this time where I probably you know should have been there for her
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I was fully back into the heroin, opiate use, and drinking heavy. I stopped giving a fuck about hiding any drug use. I would smoke this shit in front of her. I didn't give a shit. That's when our relationship really got fucked up. Our relationship just got bad. Talking about breaking up bad. We haven't had fun in a long time. I'm like, let's go out. I'll get us a hotel.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Let's give this one last shot. One of my favorite places, always been my favorite place, still is Liberty Hotel in Boston. Ironically, right next to the neuro ICU I was in for a long time.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
We're going to have a nice dinner. I'll get a sweet. You'll love it there. We check in, but she's not feeling it. And in Liberty fashion, our hotel room phone rings. It's like 7 o'clock. And they're like, this is automated call from Liberty. There is a party in the lobby tonight from 9 to 2 a.m. Feel free to come. Complimentary first round drink. And I'm like... There's a party tonight.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
We should definitely hit that up. We go down there. It's filling up and it's early. It's like nine. And she's like, this is sick. Should we get that? Should we get that acid? And I'm like, you want a drip? It's a little fucking wild for me right now, but if you want, I'm down. So we go to the car. We get the acid and Molly. We stop by the room, have a drink.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And she takes, I think, a tab and I take a tab. And then this, she used to buy it by like the sheet or something, which is like a hundred hits. She would like shave a little bit with a razor off each tab. I don't know if it was just really strong, which it was. But she'll make each hit a little smaller. Anyway, bottom of this bag have all of these shavings.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
She's like, you want any of these shavings? And I'm like, no. And I turn around and she's got this wad of... She, like, dumped all these shavings in her mouth. And I'm like, oh my god, you just took, like, five hits. You're gonna be tripping out of your mind. And she's like, is it a lot? And I'm like, it's... You're okay, though. It's cool. I'm like, deep down, I'm like, oh, fuck.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
You know, and we go back down to the lobby party, and, I mean, the walls start moving. It's really decorative in there. And we're just bouncing around room to room in Liberty, just tripping out. And down in Alibi, they have a private DJ, and we head in the back. We have this private table, and we're just rolling and tripping and touching each other's hair, and, like, we're in our own world.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I duck off to the bathroom at one point, take a few hits of dope, and they hit me super hard, because I was tripping so hard. We just have this really fantastic night. We go back to the room, and... We have this like wild, passionate sex. I mean, real intense, like love making sex, right? She's just like, oh, I think I'm pregnant. And I'm like, really? You can tell?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And she's like, yeah, I think you just got me pregnant. I'm just thinking in my head, is that even a thing? I don't know how many weeks later she was pregnant and they told her how far along she was. She looked in the calendar and she's like, I think it was that night I said I got pregnant and we're pregnant again. Gotta clean up my act for real, gotta stack dough, and now I gotta get a job.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
She just has a talk with me one day, and she's like, I envisioned me being married before I had a baby. I'm like, let's get married. She's like, yeah, but like, I don't want to be showing in my wedding dress. I'm like, let's get married soon. She's like, yeah, but I want a big wedding. Well, let's have a big wedding. Let's do a New Year's Eve. It was like two months away.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Boom, we're getting married all of a sudden. It's like all happening so fast. We're planning a New Year's Eve, winter wonderland wedding at a private golf club. It's all happening so fast. Long story short, she has a sack of miscarriage like two, three weeks before the wedding. And man, the wedding cake was going to double as the gender reveal. History repeats itself. I'm abusing trucks again.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
It's like, do we cancel the wedding? And like, you know, she's miserable. I'm pretty miserable. Yeah. We got married. It was a really good wedding. That was the only day I did not do opiates. I didn't even drink that much. I think I had like one champagne toast.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And we went down there. Um... And that's when my new wife was like, I want... I want to know what this heroin's all about. I want to know why you're so addicted. I want some. And I'm like, no. It is so addicting because... It's so fucking addicting. And the last thing I'm going to do is subject someone who doesn't have an addiction to this. Like, I'm not doing it.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And she was like, you're such a hypocrite, asshole. How are you going to tell me? I can't. That's unfair. I want to understand why you're so wrapped up in this. I want to do it. And I'm like, no, I'm not giving it to you. And she's like, fine, I'll go get it myself. And I'm like, no, don't fucking do it. It sucks. I wish I never did this shit. It is so addicting. I really wanted to not allow this.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
But I just remember I threw the bag on the table and I was like, fine, do it. I'm out of here. And I went to a different room in the house and she did it the entire week.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
it was like day four or something she woke up and felt dope sick really dope sick she woke me up crying and she was like i'm shaking this stuff is so bad i fucking hate you i want to leave i want to get out of here i fucking hate you purple i mean I'm like the worst. The worst thing with that drug is introducing someone to it.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I mean, even as someone who sold it, I mean, I never sold someone who wasn't addicted for financial gain. There's this cinematic picture in my head. There's always that depiction of that scumbag dude who probably at one point was a decent person, probably still is. But these drugs cloud you. And that was my first experience feeling like...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I was working as a sous chef in Hudson Mass at a place called the Horseshoe Pub. This place had like 150 beers on tap, I think a total of 900 beers, and they were trying to be like a gastropub, like doing this fancy-ish food paired with these beers. I was a nicotine addict, and I was smoking a cigarette in the back. This girl pulls in on like a Harley motorcycle. I could tell she was cute.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I'm that dude now that has introduced someone to the most addicting substance on planet Earth, and it happens to be my new wife. I felt so small, so horrible. God almost wanted to tell her mom. I was worried that she would continue, honestly. And once you're addicted, you're addicted. I mean, there's no one in the world that could stop you. She would be out there going to Worcester by herself.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And then I'd be in a position where I don't want her to get a hot dose.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And maybe I was wrong, but I always felt like I had a good head and my shoulders even wrapped up in this. I never wanted to really hurt anyone like that. I knew what was too far. I think this roots from my depression and the way I kind of like... And not the way I was brought up, but the way I kind of dealt with things on my own and grew up handling my grief.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I just was like, what I'm doing is hurting me and like only me. And I'm okay with that. You can definitely say, and I'll take it. You know, you were a drug dealer. You contributed to this huge problem. Which I definitely did, but I have to say some of the most hardcore people I knew, people that I would say, woo. I'm not sure if they'll ever get clean.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Honestly, I'm one of these people that I know I said when I have a kid, but after two miscarriages, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get clean. But a lot of these people that I would be like, woo, they're never going to get, you know, they didn't. So, yeah, it's rare, though. I was very worried for my wife at this time. Luckily, she just didn't do it again and hated me even more. What?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
There was like three spots, the dumpster and this door and I'm smoking like at the door next to the dumpster. And she parked in one of the spots and I'm like... She coming here, you know, the back door, like she's not a customer. And I had never seen her. I'd worked there for a while. She gets off her bike and walks in the employee entrance right by me. And I was like, hey, or something.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And she was like, hi. And walks right in. I just said to myself, I'm like, who the fuck is that? This chick's riding a Harley that's, like, badass, you know? I had a friend working in the kitchen, too. And I remember asking, and I was like, yo, who's that girl? That's Ellen. She goes by Elle.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
She works, like, once a month, attends bar on a Friday night, and makes, like, more money than we make in a week.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I just remember feeling like she was spending more time in the kitchen than she needed to. And towards the end of the night, she was on there and I was like, hey, I'm like, we should hang out sometime. And she was like, yeah. And I'm like, can I get your number? And she was like, yeah.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Hey, this is Jake. You doing anything tonight? And she was like, yeah, I got plans, but definitely want to hang out real soon.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And I remember jokingly said, are you going to pick me up on your motorcycle? She was like, ha ha, no, I'll pick you up in a car. I remember feeling like I got to get some heroin in my system so I don't feel dope sick. But I don't want to do it around her. I got high, obviously, before. And then I walked out of the hotel to wait to get picked up.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I'm taken aback because there's like a guy driving and she's in the passenger seat and gets out of the car. Am I the third wheel here? Is this her boyfriend? I have no idea, right? I just remember her cranking her neck. We're talking a lot and the guy is not. You know, I'm, like, a friendly dude, so I'm trying to include him in the convo, too.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Like, what are you... And, you know, I can feel energy, and I can just tell this dude's, like, not happy that I'm in the back of his car. I just remember him talking a lot about selling drugs, what a big drug dealer he was. Like, it was... I saw it after occupation. Like, it was so cool. And in my head, I'm thinking, what dude who's really in the game just advertises this shit?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I buy her a drink or whatever, and he goes to some other friends finally. And she's like, oh, this dude keeps following me around like a puppy dog. And I'm like, oh, you don't like that? Who is he? She was like, just like a friend. He's been wanting to date me for a while, but it's like not going to happen. And she goes...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Okay, just like one thing I gotta ask you before we, you know, get going here. Do you do like opiates? Do you do heroin? And I'm kind of like, whoa, like what a question. I answered probably within three seconds, but it was like time kind of slowed down. I thought to myself, I'm like, well, you got two options here. Because I really did like her. Without even knowing her, I was attracted to her.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I was like, you got two options here. You can be a total piece of shit and lie, or you can tell her the truth and, like, probably eliminate your chances. I was actively trying to get my shit together, so it was kind of like the lie sounded okay. And, yeah, I lied. I was kind of like, well, like I've done it, but I don't like do it. She goes, oh, good. Cause I like, I like you.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
What a fucking dick I am. I just like totally lied to this chick. She went into telling me about all the people she knows that have OD'd on these opiates. Particularly, she wasn't like against drugs. She did drugs. Like we took ecstasy shortly after this conversation. But the opiates, yeah, she was against that.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And that's when I made the move. I was like, you want to just like get out of here?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
This is where being a drug dealer comes in cool. Like, I remember I had my phone on silent and I was getting blown up. I probably had like 400 texts of people being like, yo, I need, can you meet? Where you at? I need, I need, I need. But I'm on a date, you know, I'm not answering that rent. Anyway, taking my phone real quick, I'm like, Most reliable, like who do I like most on this list?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Dude, like send me like 20 texts. And I was like, dude, I got whatever you want, but here's the trick. You can't say anything about it, and you've got to pick me and this girl up in Boston and drive us wherever we've got to go. He's like, on it, dude. See you in 30 minutes. I'm like, sick. And he had like a sick sports car kind of pit, you know.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
Yeah. Not backed up, but I had like probably a 10 gram package for a thousand dollar value or something. We're both rolling face in the back of this car, like looking at the lights. And I just remember us like making out in the back and touchy feely. Get out of the car. She goes to get something in her car.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
That's when I quickly, I was like, yo, you got like a piece of paper, a dollar bill or something. And I just poured a shitload of powder out. And I was like, here, take it. Get out of here. And yeah, I probably gave him like $700 worth or something for that ride. You know, I didn't care though.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And it was like a five or six mile walk. But it was like, it was the best walk ever. And we talked for like two hours about kind of everything. Yeah.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I didn't want to fuck it up with her because I liked her so much. I wanted to have a relationship with her.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
That day when she got off work, she texted me. From that day on, we never spent a day apart, actually. There was this bar in the same plaza of Horseshoe Pub, and it was a dive. Not a place I would typically go, but she liked it there. It had pool tables, and one thing I learned quickly, she was really good at pool. She told me, I play people in pool for drinks.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
We won't pay for a single drink all night. And she would hustle these people so good. And for money, too. She was, like, really cool. Drives a Harley, sick of pool. She likes to have fun.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
She told me that she owned a house and had just sold it to buy an RV because she was about to tour the country in the RV. That's fucking awesome. And I remember being like, man, that'd be so good for me to like get out of here and get away from all these drugs. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of a selfish thought. I also love this girl, but how crazy would that be if I got myself actually clean?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
And over this first two weeks, I drastically cut down on my dope use. I found myself so happy, I guess, with her that the the early onset of dope sickness was being very much um put off i was so into it that i'd be like wow i've been thought about dope in 10 hours and i feel fine and my drug dealing kind of took a hit which i wasn't mad about i felt it financially but i didn't care
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
relationship definitely started on a lie and for being totally honest i mean she portrayed herself as like having it going on like owned a house on her own multiple jobs this rv very financially independent i just felt like what the fuck do i really have going on
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
I was like, oh, it's mine. Throw to that lie out there.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
4: Heroin or Heroine
You know, trying to portray that I was on her level, I suppose. When in reality, my life was like on a downward slope in the last year.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
And they just... Ich war in meiner Schuhe. Katie begann sofort zu weinen. Sie war wie weinend. Und dann sind wir in diesen Sonnenraum gegangen. Sie haben mich da reingelegt. Das war, als Sophie sich unterbrochen hat. Sie begann zu weinen. Sie sagten, wir dachten, du wärst tot. Und... I don't remember Eli crying. I remember Eli being pretty. Just like taking all in, kind of listening.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
There were no questions. More just like, miss you, love you. It was a good visit. It was a heavy visit. So I didn't know any of this yet. People were looking for me for a very long time.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Meine Step-Sister Katie, sie hat diesen Wunsch von Find Jake. Und einer von Katies Freunden, Mandy, war Freund auf Facebook mit meiner Frau. Und Katie und sie würden ihre Webseite stecken, um mir irgendwelche Hinweise zu geben. And that's when we learned, or my family learned about Ellen, my wife, posting as me when I was on hospice. So I'm locked in. Can't move. Can't do anything.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
And she's posting as Jacob Handel on Facebook. My wife is taking excellent care of me. As if I was on a fucking beach in Maui, like... Can't talk right now, guys. I'm enjoying the surf. Life's, you know, posting as if I can post. Which is like interesting and wild and crazy.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
This started early. She took control of my stuff. Two months after diagnosis, I mean, she took my phone when I could still use my phone. But the rationale then was, I don't want you to get drugs.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
There's nothing like, you got six months to live to make you sober up. She had everything, and I never got her back since then.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Und ich habe gesagt, wenn du zurückkommst, können wir dir etwas Zeit dedizieren, um mir zu helfen, einige Dinge zu schreiben? Er hat gesagt, ja.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
What I wanted to write down was huge. And we went outside. That was like one of my first times outside. This was like a week after that visit. And we went outside to this like gazebo. And he pushed me up there at the iPad. And he was still having a hard time understanding what I was saying. And it took me like... Vier oder fünf Mal, um jedes Wort zu bekommen. Okay.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Und dann war er, er brachte das Thema zu meinem Vater. Er war so, du sollst wirklich, wirklich deinen Vater kontaktieren. Und ich war so, aber warum?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
I commented to Jake about how meaningful this must have been to his dad. There was hope in the letter. The door was nudged open. Yeah, and I can honestly say at that juncture, I put in that hope to be nice. Man, it's so fucked up to say out loud. Yeah, alright. Internally, there wasn't hope yet. In that letter I gave hope.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
I posted something in the LinkedIn Sudbury where I went to high school alumni page. And I was like, hi, Jacob Handel, class of 07. Went through something crazy, but I'm alive now, recovering. Like, I don't know. I got like a hundred Facebook comments. And then... A lot of DMs and people reaching out. Not only from my high school.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
My first real girlfriend, Emma, she's like, Jake, you're live, like amazing. I was so worried when I heard friends being like, I wanted to come visit, but I wasn't allowed.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Es war großartig, diesen Post zu sehen. Ich dachte, du wärst tot. Ich wurde gesagt, ich soll nicht zum Feierabend kommen. Und ich dachte, was? One by one, people told Jake the same thing.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
This is a really real thing that she obviously posted about or like made public, like, I don't know, yeah.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
I actually grew to really like Western Mass State Hospital. I knew everyone there. I started talking. I was comfortable there.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Ich sah ihn jedes drei Monate, ihn und Dr. Vanna, meinen Neurologen, weil der Trip so lang war und er muss von Stretcher genommen werden. Dr. Levinson wollte mehr regelmäßige Updates auf Jakes Rückkehr. The reason I started a YouTube channel, I couldn't send Steven Levinson and my care team in Boston videos of my recovery because the files were too big. Through text or email.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
I was like, well, I could like upload it to YouTube, create a link and share it. And no one's gonna like see it. I had like 25 YouTube followers. And they were all doctors. MGH. And it got to the point where they're like, you don't even need to send us a link. Upload it, we'll see it.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
He's like, you need about 20 different consults. And bringing you out here for 20 different appointments doesn't make sense. You know, no one ever thought this would happen, but you've outgrown the therapy capabilities of Western Metz Hospital. He was like, they've done an excellent job, but it's time to get back into Spalding. Und ich so, ich dachte, du kriegst nur einen Schuss bei Spalding.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Und ich sagte das zu ihm auf der Face-Call und er so, typisch ja, aber es gibt extreme Umstände, wo wir einen zweiten Angriffsteil justizieren können. Und er so, ich werde dafür antworten, aber du musst zurückkommen. Er so, ich werde dich in Metzgeneral für ein bisschen leben lassen. Ich bin super gespannt, ob ich zurückkomme.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Hoffentlich ist der gleiche Chef da, weil ich nicht erwarten kann, dass ich mit ihm sprechen kann. Und ja, ich war traurig, dass ich nicht mit ihm gesprochen habe, weil ich viele Freunde hatte. Meine Therapeuten waren wirklich großartig. Aber wie alles in der Leben, besonders in der medizinischen Welt, alles braucht Zeit. Und Juni ist vorbei, es ist Juli.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Ich bin ein bisschen ehrgeizig, was da los ist. Und ich erinnere mich, dass mein Therapie-Team meinte, es ist alles gut. Du wirst hier immer besser werden. Also habe ich nicht mehr darüber nachgedacht. Und dann war es Juli 24th, 4 Uhr in der Nachmittagszeit. Leventon. Jake, I have an ambulance transferring you by stretcher 810 tomorrow morning. Get packed up. I'm like, damn. No notice, you know.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
I start becoming unparalyzed and I'm like making baby sounds and there's a video that I put on YouTube of me eating chocolate pudding with a spoon. I'm dying laughing because I thought it was so funny that I just couldn't do it and pudding was getting everywhere, cracking up. Anyway, I'm kind of... I was about to say master to the pudding, but that's a stretch.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Western Mass State Hospital is calling me and telling me. And then Eli, who's now become like helping me manage everything. Being like, yeah, we haven't received a single payment check in 15 months of you being here. And you owe us like $20,000. We're like, oh shit.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
She's unwilling to sign anything, communicate. And Eli tried texting with her. Oh, I have that text. Cool, calm, collective Eli writes out this text. thoughtful, rational text. I needed a response from her, just being like... Nicht, fuck you, aber ziemlich nah dran. Ich dachte, so viel für Rational. Ich sagte Levinson, wir brauchen einen Lehrer. Sie ist unwillig, uns zu kommunizieren.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Das sollte mein Payment sein. Und dieser Payment wird an die Krankenhäuser geworfen. Levinson meinte, okay, es gibt eine Organisation, die Justice Bridge heißt.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
But, you know, they were like, let's try a fork. And at this juncture, I could only barely hold the fork. But I've successfully got a bite on a fork from a plate that was in my lap. So I could only eat off my lap. And they were like, what do you like to eat? I'm new to eating too, and I'm like, blueberries are good for my brain. They brought in all these blueberries for me, it was great.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
My personal belongings. Mainly my mother's stuff.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
And I had a little cup of blueberries balanced on my lap. And I'm taking this fork, and I just can't get them on the fork. And it's so frustrating, so I did one of these hot tosses. And it missed the cup and it went directly in my balls. Like, like, my balls were now on the fork, kinda. And I'm like, ahhh! And these nurses come in and they're like, what's wrong? And I'm like crying.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
And they're like, you know, talking to me like, baby, did you hurt yourself? Did you hurt yourself anymore? Und sie meinte, du musst uns zeigen, du musst uns zeigen.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Und sie öffnet die Wäsche und sagt, lass mich den Wunsch-Nurse anrufen. Und ich so, oh Gott, nächstes Mal weiß ich, dass ich acht Leute in meinem Raum habe, die mich verrückt schauen. Und ich will nicht schauen. Dann gab es einen Befehl für eine Kuppe und Sicherheitsglas.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Das war das erste Mal in der Geschichte des Hospitals, dass sie medizinisch verurteilt wurden, eine Baseballkuppe für einen Patienten zu kaufen.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Yes. Oh yes. I'd even be like, can I come in the gym and use a bike when you're busy? Like, help me transfer and that's all I need, I'll be quiet. Like, I was eager. That motivation, which I must have said before, a lot of it had to do with my wife. Getting through it and getting to the point where I could live with her, that was on my mind 24-7.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
My wife, she doesn't call, she doesn't text, she doesn't visit. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going to focus on me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Ich würde wirklich gerne mit meiner Familie reden. Sorry, ich lache. Es ist nicht lustig, aber ich hatte diese Hoffnung, dass meine Frau zu mir zurückkommen würde. Und sie hatte so viel Kontrolle über mich, dass ich fühlte, dass ich sogar, wenn ich schriftlich sende und eine kryptische Nachricht zu einem Familienmitglied senden könnte,
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Ich wusste, dass sie mich herausfinden würde und mich auslösen würde. Sie würde mich schmerzen und es wäre noch schlimmer. Ich wusste, dass Familie keine Option ist. Ich wusste, dass ich eine Wahl zwischen meiner Frau und meiner Familie machen musste. I mean, this sounds fucked up to say, but things were so bad and I was in so much pain.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Es stört mich, das zu sagen, aber ich war einfach so, so verdammt krank. Ich war so, in so viel Schmerz. Sie hat mich wirklich gut gebraucht. Sie wusste, wie sie mich bestmöglich kümmern kann. Als ich unsere Beziehung bemerkte und bemerkte, dass es nicht funktionieren würde, war ich einfach so... Ich habe angefangen, mich über meine Familie zu erinnern und über sie zu wundern.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Ich dachte, ich wäre tot und ich wusste es nicht. Und ich dachte, das ist wirklich verrückt. Und ich war sehr traurig und traurig und verbrochen. Ich habe nichts gehabt. Ich erinnere mich nicht mehr darauf. The hospital got me an iPad, but I didn't remember my Apple ID and password. I didn't even know if it still existed, even if I did. So it was like starting over.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
I had no money because my benefits weren't going to the hospital. I really had nothing, right? So like these nurses and aides and they were like buying me shampoo and snacks and just like, you know, but they were like, can we find someone for you? Do you want us to find your family? Sie fragten mich, was mein Vater heißt, was mein Bruder heißt, was meine Schwester heißt.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Und vielleicht, weil ich mein Verbrechen nicht verstanden habe, konnten sie nicht wirklich für mich etwas finden. I'm like laying in my hospital bed one evening and this number shoots in my mind. I'm like, I think that's my aunt in Texas' number. I mean, who remembers numbers now? It's programmed in your phone, even then.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
If I was to remember, there were like a few select numbers I would remember, like I asked Jake if he'd called Varda many times in the past.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Und ich drückte den Anrufknopf für die Ärztin, wie diesen kleinen Knopf. Ich konnte so schlagen, weil meine Finger mich nicht öffneten. Die Ärztin schlug mich an und ich war so schnell, schnell, schnell, krieg eine Penne, schreib das Lied, bevor ich es vergesse. Sie schreiben es herunter und sind so aufgeregt, wie ich. Und man kann FaceTime-Anrufe durch Gmail machen.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Ich habe es in die FaceTime-App auf dem iPad gelegt. Die Anrufe rangen wahrscheinlich drei, vier Mal.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Wir haben 20 Minuten gesprochen und eine der Hauptfragen war, wo ist deine Frau? Ich dachte, sie ist nicht da. Weißt du.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
They started sending me numbers. And remember, one of the main things Varda said after was, have you spoken to your dad? And this is painful to talk about. I don't like talking about this part. Have you spoken to your dad? You know, I was just very sharply like, no.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Part of me, although I never really could have seen my dad strangling my wife, I knew how much she pushed his buttons and everyone's. And I'm like, well, people break. If anyone could push someone hard enough to strangle them... It'd be my wife. You know, I heard this ordeal. I didn't see it in my mind. I was like, I don't think he strangled her. But who knows?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
At the time, I didn't see my wife lying. I didn't even want to talk to my dad. I was like, you know what? Something happened. I don't know what it is. Nope.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
The other numbers I got were my stepfather Eli Weiland and my sister and brother Sophie and Dave and my other stepsister Katie on the other side. And I reached out immediately. Probably within minutes. Ich hatte ein paar Momente, um Eli's Nummer zu bekommen. Er war die erste Person, die ich rausgekommen bin. Ich habe ihn angerufen. Aber er muss das Do Not Disturb-Tool haben.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
7: The Resurrection of Jake
Also habe ich ihm den E-Mail geräumt. Und ich habe einen von diesen, nein, ich habe einen von diesen automatischen, wie, ich kann nicht sprechen, ich rufe dich zurück, Messungen. Also hat er das getroffen. And I just replied, I think I got help. And I replied like, Eli, it's Jake, I'm alive, call me or something.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
Okay, we're going back to like eighth grade real quick. That's when I first smoked weed for the first time with my good buddy, Craig, who was a year older. And his older brother was like kind of a wild man back then. And I thought he was like the cool kid, you know. And I remember smoking weed with him once. It was, like, my first time. And it wasn't super popular with the kids in my grade yet.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
We were in eighth. He was in ninth. But it was, like, so popular with the ninth graders and above. And I just, you know, my business mind was kind of like, oh, shit, I should, like, get this and whatever. So, a little prelude to that, my parents got divorced and my mom moved to Sudbury. I was in Framingham Public Schools, middle class, working class.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
Sudbury was upper middle class and above, so when I got to these schools, I was like, I was a kid that wore different clothes and, you know, I was kind of like, all these kids have so much fucking money and... And I was like, well, I'm getting the brown bag for lunch. They're getting a hundred dollar bill to buy whatever they want in this nice cafeteria.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And I was just kind of like amazed by the money. I was like, I wonder if I load up my backpack with a bunch of sodas, I could sell them for like two bucks, you know? And that started working and I was like making money to like literally buy like cafeteria lunch. And then I was just, I remember I asked these kids, I was like, what else do you guys want? And they're like lighters and candy bars.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I started like selling all these to these kids and I mean small money, but like shit was moving, you know? And that progressed into fireworks and
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
Got him. Sold him like instantaneously. It was like the easiest thing I ever did.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
That was summer of eighth grade. You know, when you're in eighth grade, it was like you took the bus or your parents or your babysitter would pick you up. I was having these kind of wild seniors pick me up. By the start of freshman year, I was definitely a weed dealer. This high school had groups. We had the under-the-stairs kids that would hang out under the stairs.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
They were like the gothy death metal, the athletes, the hippies, the this, the that. But what was interesting is everyone kind of got along. And I think what bridged the gap between all these groups were the drugs. I was just like, hmm, I could like sell to every group. So I'd get pounds and I would bring two hundred eighths of weed in my backpack to school.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And I was kind of more focused on turning this $208 into $5,000 cash than my grades in one day at school. The motivation behind this was... I kind of started thinking about wondering if my mom dies, where would I go? I should be financially prepared the best I can to take care of myself.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I kind of, in retrospect, I wish I was kind of like, you know, I want to focus on building a spaceship and, like, you know, turned it into making a billion-dollar company, but I guess I didn't have much... Faith that I could do that in a short time. So I was like, what's a vast money option, you know?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Friday with Ice Cube. There's this drug dealer that, in the movie, in Compton, that has these, like, jerry curls. And he's, like, a gangster dude and sells drugs out of an ice cream truck. And he was known as Big Worm. Anyway, he started calling me Big Worm. And I thought it was really funny because he was huge and I was, like, kind of tiny.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And he's like, fucking Worm, Big Worm. Once I started dealing with Scoopy, I started making real money.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I'm always in a rush because I'm trying to juggle dealing and personal life, visiting my mom, and I was like drinking tequila, Jose Cuervo out of the 750 out of the bottle while driving, hiding it under my seat, reaching for it all the time, smoking tinfoil, chain smoking cigarettes.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
a mile away from hospice, take a few more shots, smoke another cigarette, take a hit, and I park, pop like a breath mint, get the bags, get my blowout mattress, because I like to sleep in my mom's hospice room, walking in there, and she's so sexy, she's...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
you know I'm like hi mom you okay probably some stuff I'm gonna put in the fridge for you let me know if you want anything I'm gonna sit on my bed talking a million miles a minute and I'm like plugged in the air mattress she's like honey come here I remember she's moving her finger come closer she's like closer
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And I understood. And I think she actually told me you're making me nauseous. I know how fucked up it was that I'm such a drug addict and mess that. I can't even go to stay with my mom because I smell too much like drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. And what do I do before I even leave the parking lot? I light up another cigarette and get in the car and drink more because I'm so fucking miserable.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
It's just like... But that's the level of like lost I was and drowning myself in substance. And it never got better. I really started dipping into my profits across all levels with my abuse, drug abuse. So instead of making 400 bucks from Moxie, I was barely making 80 off everything I was selling because I was doing so much.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I remember in the week before my mom's death, calling my dad and being like, Dad, you got to come here. You got to come to Boston. My mom's, you know, she doesn't have long. He's like, all right, I'm coming. I would sleep in my mom's bed. And I remember... He came in and I probably had just fallen asleep. It was like about 3 or 4 a.m. And he was like, I'm really sorry.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And I had just seen my mom hours earlier. And he's like, your mom just passed away. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just broke down. I was crying. I just want to get fucked up right now. And by fucked up, definitely pain pills is what I wanted. But I opened my mom's medicine cabinet. I never dipped into my mom's meds. Like, ever. Even being how I was. But, you know, I'm like, she's dead.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
She doesn't need these. Open up the cabinet. I don't even know what's in there. And I see a box of fentanyl patches. And I'm like, holy shit, and I look at them, and it says 30-day supply on it. You put this patch on, and a dose goes into your body one hour for 72 hours. And I'm like, sweet. And I start peeling them and sticking them on me. I put the whole box on. I had them all over me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I didn't have the intent to kill myself, but I definitely knew it was a big possibility because I did a 30-day dose of fentanyl in three days. So I was getting 10 times the dose of fentanyl for an hour for three days. And I was like, I'm gonna die. Yep. I started to feel it hit me. I just get Kind of drowsy and tired, which normally I don't from these opiates.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And I just remember getting into my mom's bed and kind of was like, yeah, like maybe this is it for me and kind of fell asleep. And I just remember next thing I know is I'm kind of being shaken, like Jake wake up and patches are being ripped off me. And yeah, didn't die. Definitely didn't clean up my act either.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
But a few days after her death, I get a notice on my mom's door, like kind of like notice to vacate type thing. You got to pack up your shit and leave. I was in no place to pack up all my mom's shit. And Adrian helped organize like 20 people, 20 high school kids to help pack all my mother's shit up while I was just besides myself. I remember going through my mom's closet.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I would say my mom's room alone for the most part. And I remember going through my mom's closet and I found this box with like a bunch of those black one subject old school notebooks. It was like poetry my mom had written over the last decade about the cancer and like how it felt
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
and I just remember reading like one passage, and I mean, it, it, oh god, it was so sad, it was just like, I feel this cancer in my bones, it's like eating away at me, and I'm, I'm losing energy, and I can't keep going, and maybe not poetry, more like journaling, and And just like, you know, my only regret is leaving my kids. And it just made me so sad. And I couldn't even keep reading it.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And someone stole these from me. I think her best friend Lynn kind of took them. Because I think she was worried about me. And she was like, you don't need to read that. And I never got to read them. I don't think I'd want to anymore. Anyways, funeral happens. I'm like, num, num, num, num, num. And I need a place to live. My dad's like, you can come to Texas and live with me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And I'm like, no, I got friends. And also the biggest thing that kept me around was drugs. My ability to make money. I was like... you know, I can't leave here, Eli's like, you can come live with me, but no more drugs, man, so that was out, all right, so I got my mom's dog, love this dog, Ravi, me and Adrian had him for years, and I'm in my car with the dog, crying, drunk, fucking,
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
Wondering where I'm going to stay. I'm going around to hotels. And they won't rent me a room because I'm under 21. I'm like, fuck. I finally go to the best western extended stay. One of the last ones on the strip.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
and there was kind of a younger dude behind the counter and i was like dude like i'm a mess i need a place to stay for a month i got cash and he's like all right you got id and i'm like no because i didn't want to give him like under 21 This guy kind of like felt bad and he's like, all right, dude, like thousand bucks for the month. He's like, no one's here.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
He's like, occasionally we have a convention and I'm like, I got a dog by the way. And he's like, he's like, just don't bring in the lobby. Okay. Okay, so at least I have a home base now. It was really a miserable time, actually. And shit just kept happening. Like, you know, I'm driving a bunch of weed down 85 in Mulvorrow and blue lights gone behind me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And I'm like, fuck, probably drunk and high. Cop comes to the window and he's like, this your car? And I'm like, yeah. He's like, okay. Get out of the car. I'm like, what did I do? Out of the car. I'm like, what the fuck? Get out of the car. He's like, you're driving an uninsured stolen vehicle. And I'm like, what? And he's like, who's Marjorie Wallen? And I'm like, it's my mom.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I'm like, my mom just died. He's like, didn't believe me. He's like, nice try, buddy. I'm coughing on the side of the road. They bring, like, extra police down there. They eventually find out, you know, my mom did die. And they're like, well, they're like, we're really sorry, but this isn't your car anymore. It's hers. Signed over to her. She's dead. It's going to her estate. We have to take it.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I was left on the side of the road with my dog and they towed the car away and I was like, okay, now I got no car.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I got a good wedgie story for you. I ever tell you about the fork in my nut? Another funny story real quick. Mormon's a myth.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
Four or five years old, I remember my parents, my mother and father, just fighting a lot, having these big blowouts. And I would really hate it. It would really upset me to the point where I would start to run away or I'd clog my ears, hide in my room, and I would start to run away. And I would just, like, kind of take off my bike and, like, go chill in the woods or something.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
And, like, wait for them to cool off and then come home. They would just fight a lot. We went to, like, some breakfast place in Framingham, Mass. And, you know, they sat me down and they were like, we're going to get a divorce. I shouldn't have been that surprised, but for some reason I was. And I was like, no, no, like, don't do that. Like, what can I do to like, I don't want to.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I don't want us to be separate. And I was like, is it my fault? You know, and they were like, no. And it was kind of like presented to me like, no, it's going to be a good thing. Like, you're going to have two homes and two birthday parties, two reasons to celebrate, which, you know, I was kind of like, that wasn't important to me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
But then both my parents remarried two people that already had children from the age of like seven. I had all these like step siblings and got along with them really well. And it was it was exactly like it was presented.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
3: Wayward Son
I was always close with Nancy. The funeral was really hard and I was like flipping out because I was like, oh man, like Nancy died like within a year almost. I'm like, now my mom's going to die. Once this really happened, it kind of took a turn for a self-destructive maybe. I mean, from like 13, 14, I was angry, punching walls, putting holes in walls. Didn't care about grades that much.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
So that's when I first noticed something odd going on. I would expect, oh my God, this is amazing. Honey, honey, this is great, you know. There was no, like, real communication from her to me at that time. It was just her giving the doctors what I interpreted as grief. Her giving them grief. But on the other side of the coin, every now and again...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
She'd be like, honey, I'm, you know, like when doctors weren't in the room, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make it so you get into spalding. And like, so there was flashes and glimpses of positivity and supporting this from her. But it was, it was strange. I was confused with what was happening.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
And they go, is it A, is it E, is it I? And you pick the row. And then once you pick the row, and I would signal the row by, you know, saying it on my tongue. And so if I, you know, said A, they would go, is it A, is it B, is it C, is it D? And when I got to D, and then they sorted the process over. So it's really painful to do when you're trying to have a conversation.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
So I noticed Ellen, my wife, beginning to pull away. I didn't think of it as her pulling away, but I more noticed something strange or off. She had definitely not been visiting as much. Which, you know, I didn't blame her because, you know, she was my only caregiver during hospice. Her choice, by the way, being the only one. She needs a breaker. I'm viewing it that way. And...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
I'm making these kind of huge gains in therapy in the scheme of things. But to me, they're still small in the scheme of things. But coming from where I came, everyone's like, it's pretty amazing what's happening here. I'm in PT and they got me in this program.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
walking harness rolling cart machine and they were trying to see if i could like take a few steps with like tons of support on either side people moving my legs and my wife and my mother-in-law walk in and all the therapists people are like oh my god so exciting look look what your husband's doing
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
I saw her face because I haven't been vertical in quite some time, and she just looked not happy at all. She looked a little disappointed. She was mad. A few days after this, my wife and mother-in-law, I've had, like, you know, I'm getting beat up in therapy. I'm exhausted. They come in the room. And my wife's like, hi, honey. Give me a kiss. And she's like, all right.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Mom is going to, like, say a few things. I'll leave you guys alone. Leave the room. Hey. And my mother-in-law was like, oh, honey, I don't know how to say this. I don't know why I'm saying this. Ellen kind of needs a divorce. And I'm like, I mean, I just started like, I had this very weird scream, cry thing. That was the only thing verbally I could do. I could cry, I could scream, I could yell.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
But it sounded very strange. I was told from people at Spalding that I sounded like a wounded animal.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
They thought that was the end for me. They thought I would never bounce back from that. I don't think they thought I would necessarily die, but they didn't think I'd continue recovering.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Like, nothing has happened. Like, nothing. I'm very perplexed, and the Spaulding staff was too, because obviously there's very little secrets in hospital life. And then she proceeds to tell me, I bought us a house. And not just any house, a big house that's all decked out with ramps everywhere. It's got a pool with a hoyer lift directly in the pool. And it's time for us to leave Spalding.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
And I'm like, huh? You know, in my head. And hit my call bell or something. And I tell, I'm like, well, it looks like I'm going home, you know, non-verbally. And they're all like, what?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Sometime later, Jake's social worker presented an alternative.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Everything seemed good, and she's like, okay, I'll be back tomorrow to visit you and see how things are going. And tomorrow came, and she didn't. And the next day came, and she didn't. And the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
I emailed her with help, essentially saying, like, Hey, miss you. Would love for you to visit sometime, but take your time. You know, I don't want to push her. She wrote back. I am unable to visit the hospital. It gives me anxiety walking into a hospital. Can't do it. Maybe could do it by phone call. I just wrote back with help. Okay, I understand. She sacrificed so much for me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Trying to be a thoughtful and an understanding husband and make the best of everything, so...
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
It was getting to be obvious that nothing worked for her.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
This nurse comes in to give me my morning meds, and there's like a bunch of shit. And there's this one med called Lovenox, spelled L-O-V-E-N-O-X, and that is for blood clot. It's like an ejection in the stomach, which I honestly hated. It was very painful.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
And, you know, if you're in bed for a long time, or like all the time, it's very important you get this every day so you don't have blood clots. And she gives me all my meds, but she forgot the Lovenox. And I'm like, where's my injection, you know? And I can't talk. And I'm like, just like blinking my eyes a lot to signal like, and she's like, what's up? And I'm just like, I blinked my eyes.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
She's like, letter board. I'm like, circle my tongue for yes. And I start spelling letters. I get to L-O-V-E. And she's like, Jake, I don't have time for this. Like, we can't talk about love right now. Like, I got 18 other patients. And I'm like, blinking my eyes like crazy. And I'm just getting like all frustrated. And she won't let me. She's like, let's do it again. We get L-O-V-E.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
And she's like, calls in some other people. And she's like, you just keep spelling love. And, like, there's, like, eight people in my room. And, like, after, like, 30 minutes, they let me keep going on. And I spell N-O-X. And they're like, who do you love? Like, who is Knox? And I'm just like, ah. And then someone's like... Oh, Lovenox. He's so smart.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
And in my head, I'm like, I got fucking brain damage. And I'm like, what's your excuse? Like, you know? Anyway, all this cool recovery stuff started happening in February 2019. I kind of made my first ah sound. And that was a huge breakthrough. The speech therapy was like, oh, my God, see, I told you you could do one day. I started learning vowels, and my therapist is like, those are good.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
It's time for us to start working on words. And time for you to start thinking about the first things you want to say. Easily, it was the same as the last thing I said. I love you, you know, but I wanted to throw Ellen in there. I love you, Ellen. I love you, Ellen.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
I call in the nurse because at this point I can't tap my own. I have the iPad and the holder, but I can't use it on my own. They hold it in front of me. I'm in the bed. And she answers and looks puzzled. Boom, the call ended. She hung up on me. And it fucking broke my heart, and I knew it was over. It was hard to motivate me. It's hard to get me out of bed. It's hard to get me to stop crying.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
And shortly after that, I called in a social worker and non-verbally so I could be understood, I told him it was time for me to file for divorce and asked for help with that.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
I just, I didn't get it. It was like, you, you wanted this. We want, I thought this was the plan. But you've abandoned that plan.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Fully aware of pain. I was in constant crisis, and I felt everything. And not only did I feel everything, I was hypersensitive to everything. A nurse who walked by in a speeding manner in the breeze would burn my skin.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
I went through a couple months of definitely freaking out and pain and talking to myself. And that's how it really began, the talking to myself out of boredom. What do you do when you're locked in your own body? You got no one to talk to, no one to calm you down. You can only do so many math problems.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
I remember it really started when people would come into my room, like nurses and medical professionals, and I would start talking to them as if they could hear me, and then I would, like... say the sarcastic answer like as if they were replying to me and I would just have these like dumb conversations I know it sounds crazy and then I was thinking about
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
meaning of life and death and I was having these deep philosophical thoughts and conversations with myself and it finally got to a point where you know I was convinced that I would die or be like this forever and had to come to terms with that and peace with that I started thinking about why why I'd been so upset and depressed my entire life.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Essentially what started happening was there was this voice that was kind of like down in my chest, my heart, and I would be talking to myself in my original voice before I got sick from my heart. And my brain was... A version of my original voice, but deeper and wiser and more calm, would answer me. And I started having these conversations, you know, two voices, same voice, one deeper, both mine.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
So I never had time to grieve. I was, like, getting real with my next steps in life. Trying to figure out, like, where I live and money. You know, survival. I just kind of went off the rails. I obviously knew what happened, but I more understood the full picture when I talked through this with two voices.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
This self-help therapy retreat that happened in my own body, in silence, in medical arrest, probably took place for two months. And when I came at the other side of it, I was more at peace. Don't get me wrong, still miserable, still in pain, still probably looking forward to death at that point, but I was more okay with it after this self-talk. My brain, he took his time with his words.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
They were not as rushed as my panicky searching for answers. It was just Very sure of himself and calm, collective, and seemed to have all the answers. Something I don't think I ever really had, but I guess this was all me. I guess I did have the answers the entire time. It came from my brain. Amazing what the brain can do in this situation.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
You know, there's a lot of distractions in life when you're able to move around, talk to people. Most people don't have to sit with the thought by themselves for too long. Even those that choose to, you know, it's an hour and then move on to something else. I had no choice. I was like, all right, Jake, why were you so fucked up? Why was it always the next thing? Why were you such an addict?
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Why did I become such a mess? But it also was like other relationships, you know, romantic ones. It's so hard to explain. I just, I grieved all of it, you know, in this time. And I thought about what I could have done differently and what I should have done. You know, I had every thought pretty much imaginable during this time. There was never any like, oh, I wish I could go back and do it again.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
It was more like it is what it is. This happened. It was just trying to get some peace with it before death. I also knew it was a very real possibility. I'd be trapped like that for eternity forever. That's when I realized there was something scarier than death. And it was being trapped in your own body, complete isolation for the remainder of your life.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
Which, at that juncture, I started realizing might be another 50 years. And a day felt like a month, and a month felt like a year.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
And he goes, he's moving something, he's moving something. Hey, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can do that again. And I did. I didn't know I did, but apparently I did. And they were like, wow, I want them under observation. I want someone from nonverbal augmentive speech therapy to come in and teach them how to blink. And in a week or two weeks, I was communicating by eye blink.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
6: Blink Twice
My wife was around for this, and there's something I couldn't... Again, I'm looking at the ceiling, mostly. Unless when people lean over me, that's the only time I could see them. But I could tell by something in her tone of her voice, she was frustrated with these healthcare professionals. And I couldn't understand why, because they're all doing their very best to help me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
I'm totally isolated. There's no people. There was a visiting hospice nurse and he comes and does one of his checks.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
She would always say I could tell he's in there by his eyes. So during this time, she would ask me, is this what you want? And I can do absolutely nothing. And she'd be like, yeah, that's what he wants. It was like she could like read my mind.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
I just remember him kind of hovering over me, checking things out. And he goes, well, Ellen... I think he only has hours left. It didn't really ring the alarm for me until I got rolled or moved and my eyes glanced at my chest and it was blue. I'm like an avatar. This might be it. The hospice nurse says, there's anyone you'd like to call to say they could buy us nails that time.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
And she called her mother-in-law, and she didn't call my family. And then the hospice nurse says, is there anything else I could get for you? She goes, I think I want a priest job. Unlike Jewish, the priest showed up like it was for me, and I was read last rites. I just remember saying to myself, well, I guess I'll take all the help I can get right now.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
While this was happening, my hospice nurse took it upon himself to call my dad.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
It was pretty tragic. The cops were kind of like rushing this. My dad's like crying and coming close to me. And my wife is muttering words, nasty things, like, well, he's, like, crying to me.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
Yeah. And whispering in my ear, like, it's okay. It's okay, my boy. You're going to go see your mom. It's okay. It was, like, very heavy and sad.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
I'm just like, guys, everyone, like, you can all be sad or, like, angry or, like, whatever, but just stop giving each other shit. As all this bickering is going on, I experience this very strange experience, but... I believe this was the closest you can come to death. In fact, I believe this, what I experienced, might be death. I'm looking at the ceiling.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
It was like this hum of a fluorescent light started coming. dulling out the bickering. It was getting harder to hear that, and by simultaneously, my pain began to dissipate. I'm getting this kind of calm, and the hum is getting louder, and their voices are now silent. They're like on mute, and I'm no longer in pain. I'm saying to myself, wow, this must be death.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
I have enough time to start thinking about my mom on hospice and I know she was in pain and it gave me comfort to know. I don't know, but I felt like I knew that maybe her pain was non-existent at the end. I didn't want to die, but I wasn't scared of it either. I actually felt calm and at peace.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
You know when you're watching an old school cartoon, the picture kind of gets closed and it's like this black surrounds it? It was like that, slowly. It was like, I'm losing more and more and more, and now I'm just seeing it lit. And then, like, lights out. And I had enough time to say, I just died. And I was asleep. And then I woke up and I was in horrible pain. And I said, oh, fuck.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
Still here. So in my brain, it was nothingness until I woke up. And I have no idea how many hours went by.
Blink | Jake Haendel's Story
5: Making Peace with Death
God, that near-death experience makes me like tear a little bit. Not cry, but you know.