Jacob Ackland

Hey, Austin. I work in a massive warehouse and my job is as a problem solver. And what I basically do is I'm the high priest of the Internet's most fucked up things. Basically, I come into work one day and I see this thing just staring at me through what I can only describe as an abyss of desire.

picked this thing up to try to figure out what the fuck it is, and I kid you not, it's 65 pounds of just pure, straight silicone sin.

It's also, not Thomas, it's Jacob. Talk right into the, talk right into the mic.

Apparently. So, um... Go ahead, David. Damn, okay, okay. I'm digging myself a hole. So, the warehouse I work at, there was this, uh... Fuck. So, I, yeah... I'll cancel it there. See if I can save myself in an interview.

Okay. Okay. So...

Yeah, I was thrown off. I was like, Thomas.

Okay.

You look like you're freaking out. Just, yeah, a little bit. Have you ever done meth? You know, maybe after tonight. Maybe after tonight I'll try it out. You should try it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it can only go... Try it once. I don't think I can get worse than this.

I think Matt... Yeah. Just try it once.

So the goal was basically to talk about this sex story that I saw at work, and it was basically 65 pounds of just... What? Just straight female bits, basically high thigh to low torso. Wait a minute, 65 pounds and it's that big? What the fuck is it made out of? It's just straight silicone. I don't know what they put in there to make it so heavy, but it's just straight silicone.

I work at Amazon, and I had to weigh that shit out. Not anymore.

Yep, yep. Gotta have to find a new job. It's 65 pounds? Yeah, or 65 pounds. I had to weigh it out because, like, problem solver, basically, I just have to make sure if something's at the wrong warehouse to send it to the right warehouse.

Yeah, apparently we only carry flashlights about this big, and we have to send it to the one next door that carries flashlights this big. So, you know, but the joke that I was getting at was basically you try to take that through TSA, they'll stop you for having way too much liquid. Then you'll be sitting in the security line trying to scrape out the acid. Yeah. What the fuck? Not it. Check it.

I do work at Amazon. I'm just a warehouse associate. Not anymore. What do you do for fun? I worked a lot when I had a job. I smoke. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, well, I mean, it was my first Kill Tony show. I kind of was riding a minute, or I thought I was, but... Thank you.