Harlan Williams
Appearances
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah, no, I was legit. Can I see your titty flashers again? Dude, it looks like you had your stomach stapled and they missed.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Dude, would you do us all a favor? Like, I feel really selfish, but would you mind turning around and showing the crowd the muffin top on the back of your head? Let's see it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You should get that buttered. And then pierced. And then let Joe Biden sniff it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I don't know what it is with your physique, but I want to make love to you in a corn maze. This can be arranged. I was fucking around, guy. I was not. Okay, what time and what field? I will find it, we'll find it. I'll send you a John Deere letter. Oh please, sir, do so.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Go ahead, say something. Tony, thanks for having me here. And I just want to say I have seven brothers and sisters. My brother Chris, who I hate, he's here tonight in the top. He told me he was suicidal. Jump, you prick. Have fun tonight and Wang Chung tonight.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
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KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't give him a book. The fucking guy can't read.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
How many optometrists have you caused to commit suicide? Be honest. I plead the fifth. All right, well, I plead the six. Fuck you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Isn't that really cool to give someone a standing ovation in a wheelchair?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was going to say the same thing. She looks great, especially wearing Joe Biden's lingerie.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
A triple dog dare ya. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Get over there, Biden. You know you want to do it. Wow. Get over there and sniffer good. Someone's getting snipped. Sniffer, Biden. Get over there.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's hard to take them off, yeah. You might want to insert it first. Don't tell me how to live my life.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What's on the back, though? It looks like it's a gang jacket. What's your gang? Rose Ave. Rose Ave Dogtown. So like a flower gang. A flopper gang? Flower. Oh, yeah, I guess so. Wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley and get pollinated. I would take you down, dude.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Dude, how bad of a driver do you have to be to drive through a zoo? Do you notice he's always smiling, no matter what? You've got a permanent, like, happy grin. Like, have you ever really hit, like, a kid in a wheelchair and you're just like...
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You're going to get a taxidermied and put it in the living room or something, guy? Yeah. It'll fit in a corner.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Can I ask a big favor? Yeah. Stop the music, guys. Hold on. Hold on. Hold the music here. It's a new year, right? Uh-huh. I think I want to send the message we go into the new year helping people. This may be unprecedented, but... For 30 seconds, could you bring back out the guy with the kooky eyes? I want to help him. I want to cure him. Do we have the guy with the kooky eyes anywhere?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
The guy with the kooky, wiggly eyes. There he is. Deepak. Can we bring him back up? Here he is. Bring him back out. Just give me 30 seconds. I got a cure for this guy. Bring him out on stage. I want to go into the New Year helping, solving this, guys.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
A little tighter. Oh, my God. Now, let me ask you, buddy, do you want me to cure you? Keep looking at the camera, Deepak. I'm over here. I'm thinking about you. Just say yes. Just say yes, it's fucking show business. Say yes. Do you believe in me? Do you trust that I can heal you, Deepak?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You're never going to make it into Sin City 2 now, unfortunately.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Deepak, just for old time's sake, put your finger on the glasses like that. Hold them steady. Yeah, hold them. Now shake your head.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Those are for you. You are healed, my man. Welcome to 2025. 2025. Healing is alive in 2025.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What about the bracelet? What's the story on the bracelet, my guy? Hey, move forward a bit. You're kind of hiding behind everyone. I can't see. There you are. Tell us about the bracelet, my guy.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know we're like 3,000 miles from the nearest ocean, right, buddy? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And wiggle your eyes back and forth like you're in an earthquake.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He should be attacked by a shark, that fucking guy. Look at him.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Oh, yeah, that's the kind of jokes we like. That guy's standing for that one. Just absolutely wrong.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Dude, that mustache, I gotta ask you, the way it's twirled up on each side, just so I know, is there a woman somewhere tied to a railway track right now?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's fucking hard to hear about the homeless from the guy who fucking owns Monopoly.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You know you're going to be homeless in a week, right? Can't wait. At least there'll be lots of strays you can beat the shit out of. That's how you get good at it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah, looks like you just came from a badminton tournament. What the hell's going on? Badminton? Yeah. What's that? It doesn't matter. It's you make iced tea.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was gonna ask, bro, that whole run you did about the chicken in the park. Yeah. Is there any chicken left? Because Daddy's starving.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Sorry, what? Did you say a BB gun? BB gun. He calls that a stutter gun.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wait a minute, this is Biden? I thought this was Arnold Palmer for Christ's sake.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
You ever squeeze out chocolate chip cookie dough and make fucking cookies?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Wow, what a treat. Holy crap. Look at this. Saatchi couldn't decide if she wanted to be a Smurf or Barney for fuck's sake.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
He's the only comedian on the stage with a degree from DeVry. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Give me an interjector just real quick. Have you ever eaten a baby? Hang on, sorry. Fucking Lyme disease. Sin of an angel's fly-fly away would like to write a check to help this young fella on his way. I love it.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet. How about that? This is the only guy I know. Everyone else in the country has Lyme disease. This guy's got key lime pie disease.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Therapy, therapy, therapy. I'm very emotional right now. How could I know this was gonna happen? Holy smokes, this was unexpected. I really didn't even have any idea that this was gonna happen. And to be named comedy sex machine, is unbelievable. I really had no idea this was going to happen. But honestly, I'm very grateful. You know, I just threw them on the ground. I don't care. Hang on.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I got to snort some. I had to snort some color, whatever they are. I'd like to thank a few people, if that's cool. I'd really like... Sir, if you could sit down, I'm in the middle of a fucking speech. I hate when my dad comes to these things. I'd like to thank Donny's Face Braces.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
As you know, my sister's eyes were this far apart for about four years, and Donny got the braces on her eyes, and her faces are back together. I want to thank Crab Legs Are Us. My sister has demented legs and walks like a crab, so I want to thank her. And I want to thank one of my earliest comedy influences.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I didn't know what comedy was until I was a little boy, and I was watching Sesame Street like we all did. And there's someone I want to thank on Sesame Street, the Count. Who knew that even numbers could be so hilarious?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Three, don't spoil it, fuck you. Four, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Folks, I want to thank Tony. He's doing a great thing, bringing comedy to a whole new level. Unbelievable. It's really unbelievable. Sort of starting a whole new revolution in comedy. Joe Rogan, who kicked it off with his wonderful podcast and everything he's contributed. Joe, you're amazing. Tony.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And folks, my joy in life is to bring laughter to you guys. So the only thing I'd ask in return, go to my podcast, The Harland Highway. Everyone watching, subscribe. Take five seconds, subscribe. And let me bring the laughter to you. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Joe Biden, if you know who you are. And I love you guys.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And I'm going to promise this year to keep fixing more freaky, fucked up eyes. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yeah, well, I brought the eyes. If I had to read a speech, I was going to say, let me put my glasses on. And I realized that guy with the shaky rattlesnake eyes was a godsend, and I had to give it over to him. So that's called comedy karma right there. Thank you, Lord. Tell them about Dimitri. Dimitri.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay, so when Joe had me on his podcast, which, by the way, give a hand to Joe and his fucking podcast, man. This guy... The best in the world. So when Joe had me on his podcast, I went in at the beginning. I had another thing in my pants. I had a big, long, like two foot long rubber snake. And when I sat down with Joe at the beginning, I told him I had a tapeworm.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
And at the end of the show, it was sitting in my pants for three hours. I pulled it out at the very end. And my proudest moment is Joe left it on his table. We did it about five months ago, right, Joe? He left my little tapeworm named Dimitri on his table. And about two months ago, he did an interview with the most powerful man in the world, Donald Trump, the future president of the United States.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Yes! And I told Joe I was so happy because sitting between Donald Trump and Joe Rogan was Dimitri, my tapeworm. So thank you, Joe. I love you, buddy. Thank you, everybody. Harlan Williams. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I won't eat that, man. Ron Jeremy does the quality control on those. Who is that? He makes iced tea.