Gary Gia
Appearances
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Just found out I have fucking peasant eyes. Yeah, so I just moved here from Alaska. Yeah, what the fuck is right, dude? I never understood why people would have sex with animals. And then I moved 99 miles away from the closest hinge profile. Kept me checking out this salmon like, oh. So you're a Pisces, huh? Wait, you got how many kids? You got... Kinda smell like my ex-girlfriend.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, but I love my ex. I love my ex because we had chemistry, you know? We knew what we liked. We loved rough sex. So I agreed when we were in the bedroom that our safe word is the N-word. No, because I won't even say that shit behind closed doors, man. You know, like, fucking anything goes, baby. You know, like, that's a terrible word. I obviously shouldn't even joke about it.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Every time she said it, I just slapped her again, just... You know, I'm about to be 40, which is cool. This old lady, she's told me that I had a very nice skin complexion. And I was like, you want to know my secret? Omega threesomes.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, funny you should ask, Tony. I started maybe about like seven or eight years ago, and then I bombed really bad. So I took a break. So I've been doing it for about two years altogether.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
God damn it. That your tail would be wagging about. No, I mean, like I really picked up some steam. I was doing very good in stand-up comedy. And then I was just like at a fucking huge show with a bunch of fucking old people. And now it's talking about having sex with, like, kids and stuff, which is still not funny.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Are you gay? No, I get that a lot. No shit. Yeah, yeah. Fucking A. Yeah. Dude, like, seriously, I started working this job, and yesterday I came in with a girl, and, like, my coworkers were like, oh, my God, I thought he was gay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can see that. Fucking no, no. I'm hella straight. God, am I this fucking gay? It's the blue eyes. No, D-Man is. Stay on my side. I'm straight.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I am a restaurateur, so I work at restaurants, but I do, like, high-end shit. I'm not, like, some fucking selling mozzarella sticks and chicken wings and shit, you know?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No, no. I am a server at a restaurant off of South First called Nomade, which does like Yucatecan-style food. It's quite fantastic.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No, what did you say, Tekken? So like the Yucatecan Peninsula by like Guatemala, people all my size. But just like, yeah, it's a different style of Mexican food. Okay. What do you do for fun, Gary? I'm into, like, backpacking, nature, and shit like that. I like to play high-stakes poker on, like, LSD, on, like, very small amounts of fucking hallucinogens, and then play very high-stakes poker.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Did you lose? Nope. You're good at it? Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude. I played the World Series of Poker on, like, four hits of acid.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Are you sure, or are you just tripping on LSD and you think you're doing good? No, this is the highest I've ever been, but I'm sober. But yes, you can track your stats online. You can look my name up online. And I have like results like about like a year ago, two years ago, I took first place out of 643 people and I won 30, no, $28,000. All right, Gary. Oh, fuck, dude. Do you still live in Alaska?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Pretty much like stand-up, this show. You know what I mean? Like, this is a fucking mecca of comedy. This is great. Oh, boy. We're fucking up big time. We are fucking up. This is not going how I fucking did on my vision board. This is not great here. Wow. You know? I thought it was great. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, I was born this way, but I have so many fucking stories. I got stories out the fucking ass. I bet you have stories up your ass, too.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No jokes, no jokes, all stories. We know. So, yeah, let's see. I saw an alien one time with my mom. All right, Gary. We're going to keep it short. So, do you want to hear it or no? No? Okay.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
So I was about 14 years old. I'll catch. I was about 14 years old, and it was about 2 in the morning, and I was just laying down watching TV. And all of a sudden, I was paralyzed, and I saw this... All right, that's it.