Francis Ellis
Appearances
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Does Yarmouth High School have notable alumni? It's on Wikipedia. They have a long list? No, they have a weak list. Yeah, I would think so.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Pass. We'll save our chips for Harvard. I'm still not on mine.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
What do you bake? What is it? This is Barber. They make coats more known for their coats.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
By your people at your table or by the rest of the restaurant?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
It's so grainy and thick. That's why I'm in the business, baby.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I can't remember the last time I was so upset with how long a restaurant was taking that I would mainline hummus. Yeah. I can't recall.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
If we had run out of vessels with which to eat the hummus. It was out. We were out of stuff. I might have said either. I probably would have said, hey, may we have a few more pieces of pita, some carrots. My friend over here. We could do sub-vegetables, anything colorful. Let's not do more pita. What? What? Yeah, I prefer to have fresh vegetables with hummus. Cucumber's not bad. Cucumber.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
They don't. It's sheer. They're very sheer. Very sheer.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, yeah. They just got no grip on them. You know what I mean? There's no structural integrity. No, whatsoever.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
My take on this would be if you know the group of people that you're with so intimately that they know you, they know this is what you're going to do. I picked up the check. They better have fucking known me. It's fine. If I were with a group of people that I didn't know that well, I'm not going into the dip with a fork.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
it's not just it's more of a spread okay sure it's not a dip but it's again spread dip whatever it is both of those words imply that it's going on something there's another verb that isn't a fork yeah are you are you a lasso the appetizer guy like if there's still um i don't know a fucking clams casino sitting there you're gonna are you will you will you pull the trigger
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm down to 210 now. Who goes down? It's been a journey.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I've lost .2 pounds a year. That's crazy, dude. That's, I mean. For 13 years. Are you at your ideal weight? I'm fine. I don't care.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm sorry. So you have you have a big. OK, I like it when you guys do that stuff. I always forget how folksy this podcast is. I mean, that's even a good word for it. We come in and you guys are doing this like bing, bang, boom, pinball intro, and I always love that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wore it smoking cigs in the Lower East Side. Good, good. It's waterproof. I don't know. Might fend off the smoke. There's a menswear store the next time you guys are doing shows in Denver. That is the single best menswear store I've ever been to.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
You know what I mean? Okay, so that's exactly what I was going to say. There's an entitlement for sure. I size up the people around me. There's some dainty females. They're not eating.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
If that thing has been sitting there and we've gone around the table, everybody's had one. They're telling stories, whatever. And there's one or even two left. And nobody's picked up another one and it's starting to get cold. I'm thinking you guys have silently agreed that it's fine for someone else to take another one. And if I go for it and someone says...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
hey, we should probably divide that or something. Who would say that? Like someone you're dating would scold you for that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah. Someone who knows you intimately might say, like... Someone who knows you may not need it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
But wait, why does your shame compel you to do it? Not to do it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I don't know what that is. I thought that was a motorcycle.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And did anyone react? I just picked up the check. Did anyone react? It got quiet. You both have now qualified yourselves by saying, I picked up the check. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That's combative, though. We have a lot of shame. I find that combative from both of you. What? Why? We got to have you back once a month. It's as if someone were to say, it makes me think that you're ready with that. Meaning, if someone were to smack your hand as you're going for the last piece of loomie, you'd been like, oh yeah, I'm fucking paying for it. I wouldn't say that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
No, I would never do that. I would think it real hard. Yes. I think you're both approaching how you want to eat and dine in your own way defensively.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And I want you to enjoy yourselves. I don't think you should be having that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Does that make sense? I couldn't agree more. And I like to set that tone. I absolutely agree with that. But what I've learned, because I have been out with a group of, you know, my significant other and her friends, just girls. Really? And they, girls are, when it comes to dining, they are scoring chicks. No, you know, whatever. They're communists.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
It's not some super prim and proper, super dressy place. It's not some place called the haberdashery or some bullshit. I'm a haberdasher man myself. You know, they don't have a stepping stool for you to step up so some guy can measure your inseam. There's a motorcycle in the store. Okay. There's a dog in the store.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
It's all, we're sharing everything, no matter what. I love that. I used to think, well, they don't know. They're going to completely underestimate the needed amount of Because they'll always be like, would anyone like to steer the ship? Why don't you just order for all of us? And it's like, you better fucking count three of me. Wait, you're letting one of them do that?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Look, this happened once and never again. He's not over it. Are you crazy? But here's the flip. Ready? So they'll order what they think is enough. You let some girl from Murray Hill order for you? What, out of your mind? Certainly not Murray Hill. I would never. I would never date a girl from Murray Hill. That's classy to me. I'm like, damn, you know a girl who's got a place in Murray Hill? Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Oh, we're going back to your two-bedroom that's been converted into a four? We're going to have sex behind your built-in wall?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
What'd she do for a living? Are they hiring?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Okay. What I've learned is that if I worry that they're not ordering enough food, the flip is that women tend to be peckish around each other. And they don't eat that much, and I can come in and scoop up.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yes, you can take advantage of their body dysmorphia, their eating disorders to actually satiate yourself.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Exactly. In addition to whatever I got. There really is. I hate to say it, and I'm not trying to be some fucking old-fashioned douche. These broads got small brains now, get it? The lion's share thing, you know? There is something of that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And there's another part of this that is a phenomenon that I have grown quite fond of, which is that if you get into a car for a long drive or even a short drive with a group of your buddies, and let's call it an SUV, and there's like five of you. Sport utility. When my friends, if I'm with a group of sort of smaller guys, and they say, Fran, why don't you sit up front? You're tall.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And I'm like, no, no, that's okay. And they're like, no, no, no, you go. And they give me shotgun without even having to call it. I appreciate that. Sure. Sure. That's really nice. And it also, I don't know. If they didn't, would you just take it? Well, they've done it so often that now I almost would be shocked. If they were like, no, I got it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
If some 5'8 guy just hopped up front and I had to clamber into the back seat and hold my knees under my jugular, I'm going to be like, who's this fucking twerp? Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Well, I got bullied. I don't like bullying. I hate bullying. Bad bullying. Who bullied you? In high school? Yeah, middle school. Middle school and lower school. Big time. People made fun of me for having red hair. That's a tough one. Yeah, it was always that. But it's funny, too. Like in all the Adam Sandler movies, a lot of Disney movies, the redhead is always the bully. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
They have a whole rack of whiskey that you can choose from and drink while you're shopping.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
But he was kind of... He became the bad guy because... Because Mr. Incredible was a dick toy. Was overlooking him. Oh, yeah, that's true. The bully become the bully.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Sure. I don't know anything. Look, I'm at a point in my life, again, now, where I don't need, I don't want to do bullshit. I don't want to say stuff like that. I'm at a point in my life. Well, I've been married and divorced, and now I guess I'm single again. Look at the mingle. It's a totally different landscape. I'm not looking to bullshit my way into bed with a 25-year-old. Of course, of course.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm not going to want to go on a second date with someone if our conversation isn't interesting.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Well, I won't give you whiskey. I know, but it's worth a visit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I mean, in my ideal world, we just go for a walk. A walk? Yeah, go walk around the reservoir. A reservoir? You know, go walk along the river. It's free. Got a can of the goose. It's free. No app something? I wouldn't be calling you back if you take me on a walk. If that walk is- What am I, a German shepherd? Builds up an appetizer. Maybe we wander and go, oh, let's go get some soup.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
It's for me to the bone. Yeah. Let's get some soup.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You don't even have to buy anything. Huh. Oh, really? My kind of joint. Yeah. I go in there to drink. I'm a rich industrialist in town. Get a little pregame going. I'm shopping on behalf of my master.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Sarah best have a six egg omelet, whatever. It happens. They put six eggs in each omelet. Really? Yeah. I like that. That's a lot of eggs. That's pretty good.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Well, that's where James Corden famously barked at the waiter for not bringing his wife's food out correctly.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
To me, having an all-yolk omelet is like asking for a steak and having them cut all the lean out of it and leave just the gristle. We should start doing that. Just gristle? Yeah. Because hereditarily, I have high cholesterol, so I actually try to avoid egg yolks if I can. Now I'm on a resuvastatin. Resuvastatin. So am I. You're on a statin?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Metropofol is where Superman lives.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, I mean, I have a sticky lipid probe.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That's good math, too. Jesus Christ. I was going to say 36. Just a chicken genocide on my plate.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, I don't have any issue with that. Really? Protein. Get out of here.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
No kidding. Yeah, yeah. Huh. My cholesterol numbers were always high. A couple of good-looking guys. Hear that, ladies? If you need extras, I have some extras if you're running out.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
They keep me. I got a scholarship over there. A punch card. Yeah, they know. Nine refills and the tenth one has no copay. They know it's chronic. That's pretty good insurance. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
No, no. You know, absolutely not. Are you saying that even, like, because when you go to a store, if you're trying on a bathing suit, there's always a sign that says you need to try it on. I guess I would do that, but I don't try on bathing suits.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm sorry, a bathing suit. Yeah, you said underwear with mesh. Huh? You said underwear with mesh. Wait, no, yeah. I was trying to picture what that would be.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I have a few of those. You cut it out, I cut it out. No, I don't. He cut it out. Slices me up down there. Yeah. Bad. I'm sorry. That doesn't sound comfortable. It hurts. Turns it into a hammock.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Item. Item. You know, I keep all my sweaters together. How many sweaters does a guy like you got? Four. Four.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I think there's a lot of bathing suit companies out there. You could find something that suited all your needs.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And I ended up ripping the bathing suit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm saying there are companies that make bathing suits you won't have to amputate in order to feel comfortable wearing their bathing suit. Okay. Their trunks. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Brooks Brothers that you then wore every day until you wore a hole in it. My shacket. We've got to go to this place in Denver, I'm telling you. Do you guys have any shows coming up there? Not yet.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
We are due to be back. Go to this place. I'll get you the name. They're not going to have anything that fits me. Dude, they absolutely will. It's like workwear stuff. You know, it's American-made Carhartt shit. Cool. Everybody's wearing Carhartt now, though.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I got to find my brand. What do you mean everyone's wearing Carhartt now? I'm giving you good brands and answers, and now all of a sudden you're saying, well, that's yesterday's clothing brand. I need the new and the new cutting edge. I can't be seen wearing the same thing everyone else is wearing. As you're currently wearing a pink hue style Dilbert shirt. This is O'Kill. That looks lilac to me.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
We call that lilac. Bordering on lavender.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I do. I do abide. But if I have some white socks or t-shirts that I need to be done quickly because I'm running low on that. Sure. I'll throw those in with the colored load and just do it all on cold.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
He is. Sharp kid. No, wait a second. There needs to be said, like, when I was married, you know, we had a division of chores. Sure. And, uh... That I had to sort of, like, she would do the laundry, I would do the dishes and cook, whatever. You know, let's call it. So when I went to live alone, there were definitely, like, stain removal was a skill I had to learn. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Historically, I was not a sweater guy. I didn't like them. Because, well, you get too hot with a sweater on. Sure. It's very hard to take a sweater off. But something like that, will you wash that, or does that get dry cleaned? I'll follow whatever the tag says, and if it says that I can gentle wash with light colors...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Because she was our resident stain remover. Uh-huh. He took a six-month class at Columbia, of course. I did it at night. Part of learning to live alone and be on your own and be okay with that and stave off loneliness is becoming self-sufficient. I do laundry almost obsessively to ignore the fact that no one else is there to do it for me anymore. That was dark. If that's, you know, not to be sad.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Try watching a little TV. Yeah, I do. I do while I'm doing laundry. Trying pickleball. Yeah. Do you do pickleball? I have. I like pickleball. Or are you the classier paddle kind of guy? Yeah, good for you for saying it correctly because a lot of people would say Padel.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I know Andrew Schultz. Yeah. Yeah. But the problem with calling it paddle is that there's also paddle tennis, also known as platform tennis. And those two run in similar circles because those are both very wealthy, like high end country club enclave.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
No. Paddle tennis is platform tennis, which is played in a wire fenced-in court with a very rough court. It's a winter sport. The court's always heated, but it's outdoors. And then there's paddle, as you correctly said, Kevin, where paddle is on a turf and has glass walls with a little bit of wire. Okay. Okay. Pretty similar.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I mean, in the pantheon of elitist racket sports, that's a deep that is a i would say platform tennis is the most elite paddle is probably second squash would be third that's racquetball no squash and racquetball are slightly different racquetball is a much bouncier ball okay squash the ball is very flat and it doesn't bounce very high
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yep. Okay. All right. Pickleball is, I would say, the most universal.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, someone can set up a Fisher-Price net on a court in Washington Square Park and, you know, play with. Bang away.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, that was grotesque. What would your move have been? If he had done that to me? Yeah. I think you're going down. Shoving the business end of the pickleball racket up his ass. What are you doing? You're fighting me now. Sure. You know what I mean?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm following it to the T, brother. Really? And if it says dry clean, I'll send it to the dry cleaner. But I don't dry clean much stuff.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I like the unwritten rules. I like the unwritten rules, and I like people who abide by them. I think that society breaks down when people take liberties and say that, well, all these people are obeying by the social contract. Yeah. But therefore, I'm going to take advantage of these sheep who are just following along.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, that's where I trust the quality of produce and fish to be.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
You like the cod? I like the cod. I do a Mediterranean preparation with dill, blistered tomatoes, and some garlic. And it's, yeah, a nice spice rub. Slip it out of my seat. It's pretty easy. Do you have an air fryer?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I love doing laundry. It's my favorite thing in the world. Yeah, I love it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That's so good. And it kills it. So good. You do a nice salmon with a nice rub and then a little hot honey drizzle on top. Watch out. How often are you cleaning that air fryer? I put it in the dishwasher. After he chews? My tray is, yeah. Yeah, especially fish. Oh, man, you do not want to eat out of my air fryer.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I cannot go to bed without the kitchen being spotless. Really? Yeah. Again, these are fucking manifestations of probably loneliness. Shit.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Really quick. Oh, yeah. You want to talk about salmon? Whole Foods now has this EU organic salmon. It's farm raised, but it's organic and it's cheaper. So what's the feed? I don't know what they're eating. Does it have the color of a wild caught? It looks nice. Huh? It looks nice. You know, you can't get the wild caught King, which is the creme de la creme. It's the paddle. Sure.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
You can't get that fresh for most of the winter. That really has a small season. Right. And, um, they say it's not sustainably fished, you know? So I don't know what, but, but it's like also 34 bucks a pound. It's expensive. It's insane. It's a special treat fish. It's a trophy fish. An STF. I only buy it if I've won a trophy. Which I've been killing it recently. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
But there's a couple steps down. You could go sockeye or coho. Sockeye. Very lean. Very lean. Hard to cook because they're so lean. They just get very dry very quickly. But then there's your nice farm-raised whatever. Atlantic salmon. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. Is it? I thought that was real bad for you. Who knows, man? Who knows? Because of the feed they put in. I tell you what.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
They're all living together. If your vice was that every night you were eating farm-raised salmon, you could probably stop getting those rosuvastatin refills pretty soon. Tell you what, I just can't get enough of it. I know it's killing me. I'm a grass-fed kind of man. I know the problem is the farm-raised Atlantic salmon I eat every night.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'll wear it a few times before I wash it. Yeah, I'm a smell test guy. That would be the cleanest thing that I own.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I've never heard anyone call it matcha tea, though. Really?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
It's just redundant, I think. I think everyone knows that matcha is. I'm a redundant kind of guy. Yeah.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
It'd be like saying, yeah, I had an espresso coffee today. A cup of espresso coffee.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Espresso falls under the family of coffee. Of coffee, yes. Sure. But my point... I had an espresso the other night.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Mostly whipped cream. There is the organic EU salmon, which is a nice middle ground. It's like 20 bucks a pound.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
No, the handbag or the handbag basket. You bring a bag with you? I try to remember to. They don't look at you well if you don't. Sure. But you can buy them there. I don't do that. I have too many. What do you put in your pockets? If I don't bring bags, then I do the paper bags. Okay. And they don't like you to do that. Yeah, fuck them. They look at you judgmentally.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Depends on how long I'm in town for. Sure. I always think ahead. I don't like throwing out food. Okay. I feel stupid if I have to toss food out because I don't eat it all before I leave. I got a couple avocados that love to be at your house right now. Yeah. These things are done. You know, you can put those in the fridge and they really last.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
If you catch them before they're past their prime, they're fine in the fridge.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yes, I do. You do? Drives me nuts. You're a human boy just like us. I hate it. I hate it. But when you actually effectively treat a stain, then you feel good about yourself. You feel good. I have all kinds of stain treatments in my apartment. Other than Tide Stain Stick? Yeah, there's OxiClean is really effective. But again, there's different sort of prescriptions for different types of fabric.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I go, I'm not having avocado. I get it. I get it. I don't have a problem with that. Produce. We're doing bananas, organic bananas, a bunch. And I count them out because I eat one a day with my breakfast. I'm going broccoli, like a big head of broccoli. Okay. I'm going sweet potatoes. That's a huge staple. Because you can just microwave sweet potatoes and they come out perfectly.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I might do some carrots because I like to roast carrots. Gentlemen. You do the tricolor or the straight up? Yeah, tricolors are nice. I like that. Tricolored carrots. I love Brussels sprouts. And then I move from there on to fish. I'll get a couple proteins. Heavy fish diet. Yeah, a lot of fish.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And then if I'm treating myself over the weekend and I know I'm going to be cooking over the weekend, I'll do a steak. I'll do a nice steak. What kind of cut are you doing? Probably either a New York strip or, I don't know, maybe a tomahawk if I'm like. Jesus Christ. If I'm really balling out, you know.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That's lonely. That's a real lonely. Luckily, I have laundry going. The sound of the dryer, dog. Ambient noise.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I have my clothes drying out. I can't go in the dryer, just sitting on the chairs around me. How's the wine treating you? Francis, how was school today? I figured a man of your cashmere would love the Riesling.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Oh, God. Okay. It's like I'm just honoring ghosts.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, I mean, the one I go to, it's either self-checkout or someone who's going to help you.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That's such a great question. That's such a great illustration of the unwritten rules. And one that, unfortunately, no, I would not police that. Okay. It's not your fight. Someone has 20 items in their cart, right? And they go to the 12 items or fewer. Those eight extra items, how much time is that taking up that I would have? Do you know what I mean? Half a minute. You're talking 30 seconds.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Every car that goes by on the shoulder while I'm sitting in traffic that then merges in ahead is adding probably a minute or two to my life. Sure. And you can only take... so many minutes of your commute home getting longer and longer before you say... Before you kill somebody. Before you kill everybody on the third bike.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
If the person in the 12 or fewer line had 20 items in their thing, and they're standing there, and they're adding more items to their basket, and it's really starting to get up towards 25, 30, then I might say something. Hey, listen, you're not even fucking close. No. We got a rule here. Do you see the sign? Uh-huh. You know? If they're ahead of me. They're behind you. It's not your problem.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm not really. Well, see. But you're a man of honor. You have to stand up for the people who don't have a voice.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
But if I'm not going to do it, who will? Yes. See?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Are you looking around? Are you missing them? What do you mean? Are you absent-minded?
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I get it, though. It's a melting pot. What do you want from me? It's a confluence of streams. That's exactly what I was going to say. Where rivers merge to one.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Farm-raised, but fresh. EU certified. I'm going to call you. I'm going to call it if we missed the mark on something. I appreciate it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah. I think you think I'm a pussy. And he's playing stupid himself. Yes. And hoping that he'll get away with it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That his bozo won't realize what's going on.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'm so happy about this story. I love it. It's just delicious.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
How many of those you got? Do you have any skin tags? No, I don't. I'm not a Labrador retriever.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And maybe, maybe it means he will be less likely to do that again. To do it again. He got caught. And that is how the world works more efficiently. That's it. Me and Francis are starting a podcast. It's efficiency. I love efficiency. This shit doesn't happen in Japan.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
It doesn't happen in Japan. It doesn't happen in Sweden. It doesn't happen in places where people just like Do the shit that they're supposed to. Nobody's cutting the line in Sweden. I get it. No. All that chocolate. You can go over here and take over. I don't think so. Look, I know that we are a country that is built on questioning authority and rebelling. That is in our DNA.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Getting ahead at any cost, baby. We're also a country that complains to no end about things that don't work. And a lot of the reason that things don't work is because people aren't doing it the right fucking way, which is obvious. A lot of the time, it's obvious. We all know how it's supposed to work, and people just refuse because they're assholes. And that's how things break down.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That guy's an asshole. Yeah. And you called him out. There's a way that that's supposed to work. Group one, group two, we know. Everybody knows. So you would have done the same thing. Somebody cuts in front of you, it's on. Yeah, I would have definitely spoken to that guy. Give him a tombstone. What are you talking about? I love that you handled it with grace. Thank you. Don't tell him that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Thank you. He handled it with hops and barley. You let him hang himself. I never operate like that. You should. We're cut for more of the cloth of...
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I spit at him by accident. That makes me so happy. What a great story.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
What do you got coming up you want the folks out there to know? I'll be in D.C. this weekend. Okay. At the Comedy Loft and then Providence in April. Providence. And then I'll be, oh, in New Jersey at the Stress Factory in March. I think it's March 8th, Saturday. Love it. Yeah. So tickets at punchup.live slash Francis Ellis.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Okay. So if you're looking for another one. That's a good one. I mean, I don't know. That's above my pay grade. You're not making your own potions? No, not quite. You're not half witch, huh? You don't say. No. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. But I do like it. It's tough. It's tough. Definitely. Seeing a stain on a favorite piece of clothing. And you have a washer and dryer in the unit. I do.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
In your spot. Mm-hmm. At this point, I hate to say it, I probably couldn't live in an apartment without one. I do so much laundry. Huh. Keep everything clean. Yeah. You do it every week? Or do you have a scheduled day? I mean, I probably do it twice a week. Really? Yeah, because I work out a lot, so I always have a big outfit of sweaty clothes.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And I don't like to let those marinate for more than a couple days.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Do you always have clean underwear? When I'm traveling on a long trip, I usually run out. But, yo. What do you do then? When I'm traveling, I just did a two-week trip where I went to a lot of different places. And halfway through that trip, I was staying in an Airbnb with my buddies. And like a psychopath, I did a load of laundry. That's all right.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
That's unusual. That's new. I'm not familiar with starting a trip with all dirty clothes. He's like, I like doing laundry, not that much. Knowing that somewhere you're going, they'll solve it for you.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, but I do. I mean, resetting with clean clothes in the middle of a two-week road swing is as good as it gets.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Oh, I will unpack into the laundry or the dresser. But someone... The second you get back? Yo, I cannot go to bed the night I get home without unpacking and putting my bag in. You two need to live together.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I couldn't do it. That's the best part, just rolling the bag into the corner and ordering some Chinese or something. I mean, dude, I got home from that trip. I flew from California. I got in to JFK at like 12.30. Didn't get home till like 1.15. No. No. And I was like, surely I will just go to bed when I was sitting there. He's out there with the OxyClean.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
What, something inside of you tells you you can't do that? I want, when I get home after traveling, I want to get back to my life as quickly as possible and reset my routine. So the first step of that is unpacking a dirty suitcase. Discipline. Did you put your bag away and wherever that goes? Yeah, I love that. By the way, I also have a small apartment.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
You may not believe that, but I have a pretty small apartment. I downsized when I got divorced. So if I have clutter, it just makes everything smaller and I get claustrophobic.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Did you take anything out of the old apartment that you wanted? You know, we were pretty generous with each other about that. So, you know, there were a few things I took. Did you get a new couch or a new bed? I took an old couch that we had in storage that we weren't using. Damn, it's got couches in storage. And that couch has some stains on it. That bothers him on a molecular level.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yes, it does. And to the degree that it has a performance fabric, which would be very easy to clean. What does that mean? It's just one of those fabrics that, like, you don't. It's got high weight. It's meant to be cleaned easily.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Lazy boy. Shirts like that. Yeah. Is that what you mean? Yeah, I guess stain resistant. Imagine a couch made of those Dockers pants that used to pour. They'd show you pouring water all over them. You never owned those, did you? I might have.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah, yeah. Like back in the day. I had some Dockers, yeah. But I was going to say that this couch, ultimately, I need to take it and have all the slip covers dry cleaned. That's the way to do a total reset of your couch. But they take a long time. So you take the cover. You unzip all the pillows. Take the cushions out. Take those and get dry cleaned. Get them all dry cleaned.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
A dry cleaner, for whatever reason, they send that to some different part of the world. Sure. The couch covers, that's going far away.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
You need to have a couple weeks of your life where you don't need a dressed couch. You can still lie on the couch cushions, but the feather stems are going to be poking through. I hate that.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I'll do it. I do it all the time. But I'm not happy about it.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
I use fabric softener. I don't use dryer sheets.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Well, I don't know if it's a substitute for dryer sheets. I've never really done much investigating of dryer sheets. I don't really know what that is and why. Occasionally when I'll pull out my clothes, especially, I don't know, for whatever reason, sometimes you find those little pieces of white cloth in between. You're like, what happened here? Mm-hmm.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Wikipedia. That's what I would say. It doesn't mean that I'm right. Probably, though. Well, that's just how I've heard it. I'll tell you, I've never donated money to them.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Always asking you for money. It's the internet. Show some skin or something. I should donate money to Wikipedia. Why do you go on there a lot? It's just such a useful resource that I use so often without even realizing it. And what a noble reason. They don't make no cash on their own? I don't think. There's no advertising.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Yeah. No shit. I think John Quincy, his son, went there.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
Roosevelt went there. Teddy or Franklin? Teddy went there. I think, did Franklin go there as well? He might have. Don't want to catch that. If you include the graduate schools, it's like, if you include the law school.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
You graduated closer to 15. I was 2011.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
No, that was over the course of my career. Oh, your whole career. Yeah, because I think I scored seven my freshman year. Yeah, that's seven goals. And then I quit my sophomore and junior year, and then the coach got changed senior year, and he asked me to come back because he had been under the original group that had recruited me. Gotcha.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
And so I came back, but by that point I wasn't very – You took two years off. Yeah, I lost two years of Division I lacrosse.
Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast
Saving Society w/ Francis Ellis!
yes why do we call them co-eds by the way what a weird i don't know it's only girls i've never seen a bunch of dudes be like look at those co-eds i bet you it has to do with the fact that colleges for so long were all male that when you added when you spoke with women and you were like now it's the new co-eds that's john adams and fucking herbie hancock talking there what's his name henry hancock john hancock