Fiona Cauley
Appearances
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
So, something I have noticed since being in a chair, I don't think that women see me as, like, a threat. Like, to their romantic relationships, which I find... Fucking ridiculous. Because I am perfect height. Does suck your dude's dick. That's not a joke, that's a threat. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't suck dick. Not during allergy season. That's just dangerous. Talk about head cold.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, it's just nice he doesn't have to worry about, like, a runaway bride.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
First, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called Bad Idea.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Yeah. Yeah, he got my ass, dude. It was terrible. Yeah. So then I got a text from the booker at Zany's And she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me. I had to come right away. And comedy is fucking weird. So I was like, maybe that's real. I don't know. So we left the restaurant. We're both real nervous in the car. I thought for like the same reason. No. And we got there.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
And I'm fucking all the way up zooming around the corner. And then I see the zany is photographer and I was like what the fuck and it's always a photographer They're always there ready to ruin a great surprise And then Matt goes come back here for a second. I looked up at the marquee and it's a will you marry?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
There's a fucking USB right here. Is there really? Yeah, I can turn it to vape.
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
No, everything else is good, but the mac and cheese? Are you fucking kidding?
KILL TONY
#705 - JIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO
Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable. Everybody loves you so goddamn much.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Um, so, uh, people, they are very curious about my dating life, because I think it's hard for them to imagine that someone would be willing to take all this on. But I'll let y'all know, men fucking love women that can't run away. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Rape. Um, I just want to thank Tony for letting me be here. It's really surreal.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Um... Like, if a 16-year-old me could see me now, she'd be like, Fiona, why the fuck are we in a wheelchair?
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It's actually slower, but it is American made, so... Hell yeah. They'll fix it, so this one can be fixed.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
I was in a handicap stall wearing these shoes, and I fucking fell and smashed my head on the grab bar, the thing that's supposed to fucking protect me. Betrayal. Betrayal is what happened, yeah.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
It felt like my dad. I'm just kidding. No, no. I'm fine. No one hit me. What? Sorry. I'm lying right now. Um...