Fiona Cauley

So, something I have noticed since being in a chair, I don't think that women see me as, like, a threat. Like, to their romantic relationships, which I find... Fucking ridiculous. Because I am perfect height. Does suck your dude's dick. That's not a joke, that's a threat. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't suck dick. Not during allergy season. That's just dangerous. Talk about head cold.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's just I got to be charged forward and back.

A year and a half.

Mm-hmm.

He's actually not my boyfriend anymore.

My fiance.

Yeah.

No, it's just nice he doesn't have to worry about, like, a runaway bride.

Ah, good point.

Matt will hop on.

Thank you. Anyone can do it, you know? That's true.

Everyone will be crisscross apples.

A Cabo.

In October.

Mm-hmm.

What's the... The tax break. Oh.

You got a pastor or a friend or a... My stepdad.

Yeah.

All right. I don't know what I'm talking about.

It was good. Yeah, let's hear about it.

First, he took me to dinner at a restaurant called Bad Idea.

Yeah. Yeah, he got my ass, dude. It was terrible. Yeah. So then I got a text from the booker at Zany's And she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me. I had to come right away. And comedy is fucking weird. So I was like, maybe that's real. I don't know. So we left the restaurant. We're both real nervous in the car. I thought for like the same reason. No. And we got there.

And I'm fucking all the way up zooming around the corner. And then I see the zany is photographer and I was like what the fuck and it's always a photographer They're always there ready to ruin a great surprise And then Matt goes come back here for a second. I looked up at the marquee and it's a will you marry?

That was a week ago.

There's a fucking USB right here. Is there really? Yeah, I can turn it to vape.

Yeah.

Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. That's okay.

I always go to Terry Black's.

Yeah, that place fucks. It's so good.

You're gonna hate me.

The mac and cheese.

No, everything else is good, but the mac and cheese? Are you fucking kidding?

Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable. Everybody loves you so goddamn much.

Woo-wee!

Um, so, uh, people, they are very curious about my dating life, because I think it's hard for them to imagine that someone would be willing to take all this on. But I'll let y'all know, men fucking love women that can't run away. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Rape. Um, I just want to thank Tony for letting me be here. It's really surreal.

Um... Like, if a 16-year-old me could see me now, she'd be like, Fiona, why the fuck are we in a wheelchair?

Figured you wouldn't miss it.

Thank you.

It was better. I got a new wheelchair again.

I put a cup holder on all of them. Okay.

Drinking and driving problem.

It's actually slower, but it is American made, so... Hell yeah. They'll fix it, so this one can be fixed.

I can't, but the, yep.

I'll do my best.

Oh man, I just recovered from a concussion.

Too much joy in that stick, yeah. Yeah.

I was in a handicap stall wearing these shoes, and I fucking fell and smashed my head on the grab bar, the thing that's supposed to fucking protect me. Betrayal. Betrayal is what happened, yeah.

What did it feel like?

It felt like my dad. I'm just kidding. No, no. I'm fine. No one hit me. What? Sorry. I'm lying right now. Um...

No, Harlan, you can't do that, buddy. No, Harlan. No.