Enrique Chacon
Appearances
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
That was hello and illegal. How the fuck we feeling, Austin? Yeah, man, I heard that ICE is detaining Latinos that look illegal, man. That's why I tell everybody that I'm a trans, you know? Not the kind that chops your dick off. The kind that's really good at Rubik's Cubing. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm a trans-Asian, man. I think I'll be the most annoying person to deport on a flight.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Like, oh, man, I know I don't have any rights, but can I at least get the window seat and an extra foil blanket? I want to go back into my country looking like an illegal Pop-Tart, you know? My dad, he was a veteran in El Salvador. He hated communism. I hated communism and fuck communism. I can't even share an appetizer. He used to tell me how he would torture communists, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Apparently, he used to tie them up naked, throw cold water at them, and slap their feet afterwards so they can get pneumonia and die. And I'm like, damn, Dad, that's kind of gay. If you do that shit to me, I'm going to cum. Thank you. That's been my time. Fuck yeah.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
My cholesterol is loud as shit. That's why I'm wearing these tight ass jeans. They help with the blood pressure. Those are ridiculous.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Holy shit. I'm lying. These are actually airbrushed on me. I'm a kinky motherfucker.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I don't know, but at least people will pay $5.75 to lick me, you know what I mean?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
ICE gave it to me. They're like, okay, you're cool right now, but we're watching you. And they gave me this.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I'm just, you know, turning puffy like a nipple here, dude. Oh, man.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
He's got a winter coat on. Leave the kid alone, will you? Exactly. Look, this is all just a big global warming advertisement, all right? It's hot up here. It's not.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't. They're out there somewhere in Texas. Yeah, man, actually, but actually my status, I have something called the DACA status, which if you're a Republican, you probably don't fucking give a fuck. It was given to me in 2008 by Barack Obama, so technically he's my daddy, you know? But yeah, I have a driver's license and a social.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I can vote, but I can't like your page on Facebook. That's something that I found out I can't do.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They don't, but they still want me to donate $5 to the blue shit or whatever.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
What do you got there? It's a ring that my girlfriend gave me, bro. We're damn near engaged, dude.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Things are good with my girl, man. Well, you know, I recently opened up an Airbnb, so that's badass, right? Okay. And you know what? I've never heard that sentence ever.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
So I have a seven acre property with my girl, right? So we opened up an Airbnb in the cabin, you know, like in the middle of our property. And, you know, I thought I was going to be an entrepreneur and everything right after I did that. But now I'm just a fucking housekeeper, a maid and a handyman. So I just kind of regressed. Wow.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
They can probably hear me snoring, dude, you know? How far is this property from where you sleep? Oh, it's, like, maybe, like, 30 steps away.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
No, we don't share a wall or anything. It's divided by, like, a fence, you know? That's the only wall I can't go across and back from, you know?