Dr. Viviana Coles
Appearances
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
This is an iHeart Podcast.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
You know, I can't really speak to that because I don't know anything about him or his childhood, but I can tell you that for a lot of people who are struggling to find healthy ways to express their sexuality in consensual ways,
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
I think the piece that is missing for a lot of them is understanding true empathy and being able to understand what it's like to be the recipient of some of these actions and caring about their experience. So if you're out there and you're in a sexual relationship and all you're about is how it feels to you and what works to you, chances are you're not in a very healthy sexual relationship.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
And I think the piece that's missing for a lot of people in relationships where they're experiencing repeated, coerced. And, you know, the piece that's missing is not having the access to education, the planning, the choice and decision making that every sexual experience should have in order to truly be healthy and bonding.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Well, shame on you, Aubrey.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Yeah, I think to answer your question, I think it is a very common thing to have sex parties all over the U.S. and all over the world. The difference is that there are rules that people play by.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
And sometimes they won't allow any excessive use of drugs or alcohol. They don't want anyone being able to forfeit their ability to consent even halfway through the party. Certainly, there are no phones, filming, recordings involved.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Well, look, let me tell you, I think it's I think the way that I've heard that some of these parties go down, the attention to detail and the care that the organizers put into it for everyone to have a really positive experience. I can see why people really enjoy these parties. And I will or will not confirm or deny if I've ever been to one or seen one.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
So, yeah, just so everybody knows, I'm not professionally or personally associated with any of the parties involved in the trial. But all of the information I'm going to be sharing today is from my 20 plus years of working with couples and individuals as a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified sex therapist. And yes, like Aubrey, I'm definitely sex positive.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
And I think a lot of women feel the same way where they love to, you know, they prefer.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
So anytime you're in a long term relationship and you want it to be sexually satisfying for the long term, you really want to have a lot of chicks up your sleeve. But none of those have to be extremely painful, physically uncomfortable, potentially morally disgusting to you. Or humiliating.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Or humiliating or something that you feel like you have to really kind of disassociate in order to be a part of. These are all signs that it's not the right thing for you. And it could be that it's not the right relationship for you.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
But being able to say and know what you want and being able to communicate what you do want and what you don't want is always going to be a great skill across the board in any sort of dynamic.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
And if you're thinking that you keep having to up the ante, up the ante, it might be time for you to see a sex therapist that can help you with the relationship stuff because dissatisfaction in the bedroom can obviously lead to lots of issues outside of the bedroom. But when it can come to a place where you're feeling like you might be, uh,
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
being used being abused being coerced being even just harmed in any way uh it's not a good sign it's a sign that something is really wrong and you should listen to your gut you know there's uh people out there that call it femme tuition and you should definitely be listening to that
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
So we'll be talking about it in that way. But first and foremost, we have to know about sexual experiences being consensual. And they need to be safe and sane. So that's where we're coming from, at least from my standpoint.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
My husband and I shower together sometimes. So, yeah, it happens.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Thank you so much, Aubrey. I love the insights that you're sharing, and I hope that they connect with the people who need to hear them. And for all of you survivors out there, just know I've seen firsthand in the work that I do with people. They can get to a much better and healthier place when it comes to both relationships and sexuality. So you've got that.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
That is false. There are many, many, very... you know, functional people who like to explore with others, sexual pleasure, sexual desire, and all sorts of kinks in a very safe way that has nothing to do with trauma.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
This is an iHeart Podcast.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Absolutely not. That is false. For a lot of people who are trying to stay connected with their partners, they want to experience other people in a way that will not mess with their own connection and having group sex can be one way that they explore that as long as there's lots of conversations going on in a very safe way.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Yeah, it can be. It can always be something that you've adapted from psychological damage, but that is not always the case. So I would say it's a maybe. Okay.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
It can be emotionally harmful. I wish I could say yes or no, but it can be depending on the actual circumstances for each of the partners. But for most people, exploring in different ways, using all sorts of accessories and tools and fantasies can be very healthy.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Yes. So cuckolding is a term that refers to when a partner enjoys and gets sexual gratification from watching or knowing that their partner is experiencing a sexual behavior or sexual pleasure with someone else outside of their own sexual experience. So they may be in the room. They may be across the country. They may just be getting information via text in between kisses, whatever it is.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
I would say anytime that someone is doing something against their will for fear of harm to themselves or even being threatened, their life being threatened, if they feel like there's retaliation that might happen, whether that's real or imagined, those are things that I think
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
I'm not an attorney, so I don't know if it's criminal, but I think it's very unhealthy and dysfunctional at the least to want to make someone do something that they don't want to do, especially in a vulnerable and sensitive place like sex.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
So, it depends on if you're negotiating whether you're the one that's urinating on your partner or they're urinating on you. Either way, I think it's so important to be able to really reflect on why it is that this is important to you. For some people, and I think this is probably more likely under these scenarios that you're talking about, it's a sign of dominance.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
It's a sign of almost like ownership or establishing you're my partner and you're mine. And so for a lot of people, that is a really erotic thought to have that sense of dominance and of connection in that way. For some people, they do that with blood bonding. With others, there are species involved. With others, Scat plays, isn't that what that's called?
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Yeah, well, and I think for a lot of people who are doing these things as part of their non-traditional but more routine sexual play, they've done a lot of the research of how to do these things in a way that isn't going to make somebody extremely ill and
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
and they know how to stop when someone says no or if even in the middle of playing if the person says no it means no and all things need to end and unfortunately with these very uh random stranger experiences that some people are experiencing they can't really trust each other enough to know that they're they're in safe hands
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
And that's very common practice in any sexual relationship. Yes.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Yeah, a lot of people in sexual relationships, as they're getting to know each other, as they're getting to understand what feels good and feels pleasurable in healthy relationships, especially in long-term established relationships, they can grow with each other and they can almost initiate different things. And maybe for most long-term couples, they don't...
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
way that their sex life looked at the very beginning is very different than 20, 30 years in.
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
Well, and people who are in the BDSM community and who are really researched on these things, they do like rehearsals. They have communication that makes it to where you're not actually at risk typically for real, real danger. That is not what gets a lot of these people off. It's more about the pleasure that's derived from being vulnerable with someone. And so the idea of
Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial
Inside the Freak Offs
It just being something that you do spontaneously is very reckless for a lot of people to try that in their own bedrooms. Even with something as more commonplace as anal sex, I'm always telling my clients, you need to prepare your body for that or you can risk it.