Dr. Robert Glover
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
No, the psychologists get all pissed off and stuff like that.
No.
Thank you for inviting me.
It's always fun to come back to LA.
I get here on the day that they impose a curfew on downtown Los Angeles.
If one of us has HDHD, it really helps.
Why drink it?
Okay.
Okay?
That'll go with the Americano I already had this morning.
Okay, elevator pitch, nice guy.
He's a man who's inaccurately internalized an emotional belief that he's not okay just as he is.
Probably this happened very early in life.
Can begin at three weeks old, three months old, three years old.
We can go more into that.
But because he believes he's not okay just as he is, not lovable,
He tries to do two things.
One, become what he thinks other people want him to be so he'll be liked and loved and get his niece met.
And the second thing is try to hide anything about him that might get a negative reaction, that might get him punished, abandoned, scolded, shamed.
So he's walking around like a chameleon, trying to become, trying to hide, and there's no real him in there.
That's me.
Nowadays, that's not a compliment.
People don't take that well.
Yeah, because what we think of now and what I write about in Mr. Nice Guy is a guy that is passively pleasing, conflict avoidant, goes along to get along, doesn't want to rock the boat, doesn't want anybody pissed at him.
So there's no real him there.
So often he's not honest.
He's not transparent.
He's not straightforward.
You don't know what he really thinks, wants and feels.
And as a result, he's often frustrated, passive aggressive, and could even be extremely not nice at times.
And all those conversations he's rehearsed in his head about why you're not appreciating him enough or giving him enough or why you don't like him or treat him better, all of that builds up and it comes out and he's not at all very nice.
Depends on when you catch him.
Right.
Well, the core problem is he's inauthentic.
You don't really know who he is.
And deeper than that, the nice guy, and I'm a recovering nice guy, so I tell people my book is my autobiography.
I just use other people's stories to tell mine.
Right.
I thought that was a good thing, that I was a nice guy.
I was different from my father.
My father was selfish, and I guess we'd say patriarchal, would boss my mother around.
Mrs. Glover, get me that.
Mrs. Glover, do that for me.
And my mother even told me at a young age she was raising me and my brother to be different from her father.
I grew up during the angry feminism of the 60s and 70s.
Every man's a rapist, and erection's a sign of aggression.
So I didn't want to be that bad guy.
that disappointed women, pissed them off, hurt women.
And so really what a nice guy does is he starts just taking everything off the table.
I can't be that.
I can't be that.
I better not be that way.
Or women complain about men that are that way.
So there's no real him left there anymore.
And he doesn't even realize that.
He doesn't often realize how hard he's working to get people's approval.
So, you know, if you and I are having a conversation and if you nod and you smile, I'll keep doing more of that.
Right?
I got that smile.
You even got the dimples a little bit.
Oh, good.
I'm on the right track.
But if you kind of lean back or scowl, I won't say that again.
Or I better explain what I meant by that.
And so, again, it's chameleon-like.
And he's not happy.
He's not getting his needs met.
He's going along to get along.
And the people around him...
Number one, nice guys aren't very attractive.
We think we're going to make women like us, but usually women are disinterested.
They may take advantage of us or walk on us, but they're not going to ever be real interested in us.
And if you do get close to them, you get that passive aggressiveness, the occasional blow up, the victim puke that I talk about in the book.
So, and nice guys tend to be underachievers.
You know, we're good at being good, but not great at being great.
So there's a whole, you know.
A lot of issues that go with it.
I have an online course I wrote 20 plus years ago called Nice Guys Don't Finish Last, They Rot in Middle Management.
So they're good at being good because they're conscientious.
But, you know, they don't want to rock the boat.
They don't take risks.
They won't start their own company.
They'll think about it for years.
But again, they go along to get along.
They're codependent in the workplace.
They'll help their coworker get their stuff done, but their stuff gets neglected.
Everybody else gets the credit.
So, yeah, they often fail to live up to their full potential.
It's a piece I've struggled with.
I've hit a number of glass ceilings in my life that go, how come this is as far as I seem to be able to go?
But it's because a nice guy's nervous system can't handle all that visibility, all that extra demand that we think is going to be out there, the fear of failing, looking bad, making a mistake.
Because again, we want to look good.
We want everybody to think we're good.
So trying to be good enough really prevents us from truly living up to whatever our potential might be.
Good.
They should.
I've got a good friend like that.
And a couple of years ago, every time we got together, how are you doing?
Oh, life's good.
Life's amazing.
Life's great.
Finally, I said,
I won't say his name, but I said, you know, really?
Nothing ever goes wrong?
You never have any problems?
And he goes, oh, actually, right now, man, I'm going through this issue with my girlfriend and my company's struggling.
I go, why don't you just say that?
Why don't you just say, actually, I'm struggling right now.
I'm having a hard time.
Now, all of a sudden, we got something to talk about.
I went on perplexity and asked about you while I was waiting for you.
Oh, it said that you help Olympians and movie stars, but you're not the athletic director at USC apparently.
That's what we're talking about here.
They're often wound collectors.
It's not because they're just telling you, oh, I've had a hard day.
They're telling you all the things that they're victims of.
Yeah, it's context.
For example.
You know, this buddy of mine, we're good friends.
Exactly.
And I've got groups in my life.
I've got a men's group.
I've got guy friends that if I'm struggling, if I'm down, if I'm lethargic, if I'm in a state of existential angst, right, I talk to them about it.
I let them know.
I don't just carry it around in this chamber in my head and put on a smiley face.
Now, do I tell the flight attendant all of that stuff, you know, on the airplane?
No.
Right.
I might get on a podcast and share some of it.
But I say in the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.
that nice guys are like Teflon men.
They look like everything's okay, right?
But I say that people are actually attracted to other people's rough edges, because that's what we can relate to.
You can't relate to somebody that looks perfect, and they say, oh, life's great, everything's always good.
Hunky-dory, yeah.
And at the same time...
Every time you get around a friend, you don't want to hear just a liturgy of complaint about everything that's going wrong.
And usually those kind of people, they're not looking for solutions to take action and improve whatever the situation is.
They just like complaining.
I think there's like chemical payoffs in the brain for playing the victim.
Right.
Otherwise, why would people do it?
And there's certain category people that do that.
So you got your, you know, the people, everything's amazing, everything's great, life's good, to the people complaining all the time.
But the real authentic person doesn't present a facade like everything's great, but they don't go dump everything on you either.
They've got their resources for dealing with it.
And they actually look for solutions that they can apply to their life and go address everything.
And whatever address, it's kind of like the serenity prayer.
You either go figure out what I can go do or accept what's out of my control.
But once you accept that it's out of your control, you don't complain about it.
You just go, okay, this is what is.
Well, you mentioned earlier, one, that I think is where a lot of nice guys begin is our temperament.
And you've got kids, apparently, more than one?
Two.
Two.
Did they pop out the same?
No.
No, exactly.
And one's probably a challenge and one is easygoing.
And you love them both, but these
There you go.
Yeah.
And the easier one probably doesn't want to compete with the sassy one and can't compete.
And so they may even let the sassy one get more of the attention.
They may, you know, kind of get more in the background just because that's their temperament.
My mother used to tell women I dated, she goes, Bobby never did like conflict.
I go, thanks, Mom.
But I'm thinking, who the fuck likes conflict?
I mean, I don't.
Nobody likes conflict.
Oh, no.
I marry women that love conflict.
I tell my wife all the time.
She's Latina.
She's Mexican.
Oh, she's fiery.
She's strong.
She's a guerrera.
She's a warrior.
They're not, not that they don't like them, there's nothing to flip the switch to turn them on to say, yeah, I want that.
Oh, you want to go down that rabbit hole?
Yeah, I do.
All right, let's go, man.
Yeah.
So...
There's probably a number of reasons for it.
Probably the core part of it is evolutionary.
That, you know, the men that had the most capability of providing and protecting for the females in the tribe probably weren't the most available.
They probably weren't the ones sitting around and go, yeah, I hear that Debbie pissed you off.
Man, that was really hurtful of her to say.
No, they're not killing stuff, right?
They're not warring stuff.
They're the ones that are going to provide and protect.
They're the ones that are going to bring back the food, the furs and the fucks.
So those are the ones that evolutionary that, yeah, yeah, that's a turn on.
The nice guys, I refer to them as girlfriends with a penis.
Yeah, they'll listen to you talk about this and talk about that and they'll hide their sexual agenda from you.
hoping if they hide their sexual agenda, they're not one of those bad guys that only want one thing that we've heard women complain about.
The irony is if I pretend like I'm not interested in you sexually, you might want to take your clothes off, right?
There's no logic to it.
It fits nice guy logic.
So I actually teach, I have a whole class I call Positive Emotional Tension.
The basic premise is that women have to experience emotional tension with a man to be attracted to him, aroused by him, and stay attached over time.
Unfortunately, most men, but especially nice guys, do not like emotional tension, especially in relationship.
We want everything smooth and calm and predictable.
And so while the nice guy is trying to keep everything smooth and calm and predictable, there's no emotional tension to turn your crank.
If you're excited, go, hmm, yeah, he's interesting.
And so I tell guys, it doesn't matter to women.
That's a generalization.
It doesn't matter if it's what I call negative emotional tension or positive emotional tension.
Positive emotional tension typically feels good to everybody.
Negative emotional tension usually feels bad to the guy.
The woman doesn't care.
You know, you can slam cabinets.
You can give the silent treatment.
You can scream.
I mean, that feels fine.
For most women, they don't care.
But for guys, nice guys, no, no, no, I got to fix that.
Got to fix that.
Got to fix that.
And I tell guys, either you create the positive emotional tension.
create some healthy coming together and moving apart, not too much availability, a little bit of unpredictability, a little bit of playfulness, some leadership, some telling her what to do, tell her to do what she already wants to do.
A little bit of that creates emotional tension for the woman.
And I said, if you don't create that, if the woman wants that connection and arousal and attachment to you, she'll create the kind of tension you don't like.
She'll flirt with your best friend.
She'll give you the silent treatment.
She'll slam cabinets.
She'll throw dishes down.
She'll be cold.
Both.
You tell me.
Because women have told me, yeah, I've started fights when I'm bored.
Women have told me that.
And I'm a therapist.
I've listened to a lot of stories.
But what you maybe do to express frustration.
I don't know if you throw dishes down or slam cabinet doors or give the silent treatment.
You probably do something when you're frustrated.
You're perfect.
Just keep drinking those shots, right?
So, but what I'm saying, even if you're distracted with something, and let's say if you're with a nice guy, he'll go, oh, there's something wrong.
I haven't heard from her.
She hasn't messaged back.
She's this, she's that.
And he'll go try to fix it, make sure everything's okay and make it better.
And to most women, that just, that doesn't feel good.
It feels like a little boy trying to make sure, mommy, are you okay?
Is everything all right?
Do you still love me?
Do you still like my pee-pee?
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
And again, most women aren't turned on by a little boy.
And that's how nice guys are.
We're still seeking the approval of a woman.
I'll share a quick quote with you.
One of my No More Mr. Nice Guy coaches wrote a book called Sipping Fear, Pissing Courage.
It's a really good book.
So about addiction in men.
It'd be a fun interview too.
Sipping Fear, Pissing Courage.
Okay.
And there's a line in that book, and I was actually driving in my car from California to Washington one time, listening to the audio book.
And there's a line in the book that says, a man does not mature until he quits seeking the approval of a woman.
And I started trying to replay that over and over again on card play.
And I finally just pulled off the freeway off I-5 and just listened to it.
Even when God bought a hard copy to read it.
Because that really resonated with me and what I teach men and what I'm working on.
If I'm seeking the approval of a woman, if I'm seeking the approval of you, I'm going to give you a shitty interview.
Right?
It's going to be passive and tame and I'm, you know, people aren't going to want to watch it.
But if I don't care if you approve of me or not, that doesn't mean I'm going to try to piss you off.
But if I don't care, we'll have a lot better conversation.
You'll be more interested.
I'll have more fun.
Your viewers will be more interested.
So as long as a man is seeking the approval of any woman, he's still a little boy.
And we don't truly get initiated into the tribe of adult masculine men until we give up that need for feminine approval.
Now we recognize we have what the women want.
We've got the things that evolution wired you to be attracted to in men if we're not seeking your approval.
So that is such a key piece with nice guys is confronting that.
I got to make the woman happy.
I have to have her approval.
I have to, you know, she's always got to be nodding and smiling all the time.
So there we go.
Well, and that's how we tend to think.
What's the opposite, right?
Right.
And when I wrote the book, I think the publisher hoped that there'd be a little bit of a blowback because, you know, the title's a little bit, we probably have all said at one time or another, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
I'm not taking it anymore.
Right.
But you see that on a book title and you think, why would somebody write a book teaching men to be not nice?
There's enough not nice men out there.
There never was any blowback.
I think the publisher was hoping there, you know, it's good publicity.
Yeah.
In fact, women like the book.
All the emails I get, women say, thank you.
Thank you.
I just got one email from a woman just yesterday telling me how much it helped her understand the men in her life.
Well, let's roll that in with the other question we didn't finish about what's the opposite of nice stuff.
Because a good term for what you're talking about, we'll call it polarity.
What we usually think of, kind of going back to the title of the book, well, if it's not teaching men to be not nice, what is it doing?
Because we tend to think black and white.
It's this or that.
Yeah.
No.
And I say that in the book, that I'm not teaching men to be jerks.
There are enough jerks out there.
We don't need to teach more men to be jerks.
I know the book.
Neil Strauss, yeah.
That's again going from one extreme to another.
That's written by a guy.
Neil says he now wishes he hadn't written the book, but I assume he still takes the royalty checks.
Yeah.
You know, that one from a guy that, you know, low self-esteem, didn't know how to talk to women.
And, you know, let's go to the other extreme.
Now we're going to do this and play on women's low self-esteem and try to manipulate.
Being authentic doesn't do that.
Being authentic is just you being you.
And when talking about what's the opposite of a nice guy.
The way I look at it is that I think the nice guy and the asshole are actually on the same continuum.
I think both of them are living in what we'll call fight, flight, freeze nervous system.
They're both in sympathetic nervous system.
The nice guy is in flight, freeze, or fawn, trying to manage their anxiety and manage situations around them.
The asshole jerk is in fight mode.
So he actually just intimidates people to manage situations.
I think they're both in sympathetic nervous system.
So just guys will say to me, well, I know being a nice guy isn't right, but I don't think I want to be a jerk.
I need to find a happy medium.
And I go, I don't know what the tipping point is between two toxic extremes because they're both on the same continuum.
So what I teach is we actually have to rise up above, not just become more this way, right?
Become more like the asshole jerk.
We have to become more conscious.
We have to become more assertive.
We have to become more differentiated.
That's the ability to ask ourselves, what do we want?
What's important to me?
And follow through on it.
We have to learn to have boundaries.
We have to learn to make our needs a priority.
Those are all things that make us healthy, authentic adults.
one or the other down here.
And as you've indicated, if we're just talking about polarity and relationship between men and women, I think most women are going to find this guy a lot more attractive than either of this one.
But I have empathy for women because if you think about it, through most time, these were your two picks in men.
You either pick the asshole jerk or the passively pleasing doormat.
This one kind of turns you on, but he's going to, you know, sleep with your sister, do drugs, steal your money, shit like that.
Lie to you.
This guy, you know, he's going to look like, you know, he's going to treat you well, do things for you, but he also might sleep with your sister.
Lie to you.
Oh, they do, because they...
Everything that nice guys do is, most of it is they go underground at a pretty young age.
They go along to get along, so they hide their wants and their needs.
So yeah, that is one issue with nice guys is that they'll surprise you.
You go, where'd that come from?
I didn't see that coming because I thought everything was okay until fill in the blank.
Yeah, when I wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy, I wrote it over 25 years ago, about six, seven years to write it.
Just quickly, a lot of publishing companies back then said, Robert, we like your book.
It's well-written, but our marketing department says men won't buy a self-help book.
I said, well, if you don't publish them, they can't buy them.
That was pre-Amazon, pre-podcasts like this, where you put the show notes, people click on it, go to Amazon, buy that book, buy a bunch of others.
Right, right, right.
But as I was telling you before we started talking,
You know, this annually brings in over six figures in royalty check every year.
So apparently there's more and more nice guys out there.
And, you know, now we call it the younger generation simps.
Yeah.
What do you call them?
Simps.
I didn't make that up.
What is that?
The Gen Z simps.
It comes from simpatico, sympathetic.
They're the guys that basically, you know, let the girls walk on them.
They're pleasing, trying to make them happy.
That's what it's called?
It's called simps?
Go online.
You know, get Eddie to bring it up on ChatGBT.
Yeah, it's like sympathetic, like doormat, basically.
Doormat.
Yeah.
How old are your kids?
Ask the 12-year-old what a simp is.
I got such an education from my boys, too.
Yeah.
So your question is, how does a woman know?
Okay.
Yeah.
Number one, he might seem too good to be true.
Really?
Is he really this nice?
You know, is he really this calm?
Is he really this giving?
Is he really this generous?
Something, you know, in your gut won't feel right.
The other thing is you may want to be turned on by him, but you're not, even though you think, what's wrong with me?
He's a good guy.
Why do I always pick the jerks?
You know, I think I finally found a good guy, but I don't want him.
You know, I should want him.
So you'll probably feel that.
And
You'll also probably often feel a certain amount of emotional indebtedness in that he's going to be trying to do so many things for you that you never feel like you get a chance to like do anything for him or return a favor or surprise him because he'll turn around and do something right back for you again.
Because nice guys are terrible receivers and we operate with what I call covert contracts.
If I just give you all these things, you'll appreciate me.
You'll love me.
You'll want to take your clothes off even though you're not turned on by me.
And then after we do enough of that, and maybe you don't appreciate me enough, or don't take your clothes off, or don't take them off enough, all that resentment I've got that I kept my end of the contract, you haven't kept your end, and then that's where the passive-aggressive, the victim pukes come out.
For a woman, if, again, if he just seems too good to be true and he does so many nice things for you above and beyond, wanting to fix things for you, plan trips for you, take you on expensive dates early on, you know, all that stuff, you're just going, why is he trying so hard?
Let's just get to know each other.
So that's a bad sign.
Not a good thing.
Not a good thing.
Now, again, you're going to question in your mind, well, you know...
All the other jerks I've been with, I knew right off they weren't good, but I was so turned on by them.
This guy seems like such a nice guy.
You'll probably question there's something wrong with you.
I think you've always been saying, I want to find a nice guy.
The nice guy comes along and you go...
Yeah, but he doesn't turn me on like the jerk.
But there's even more to it.
Your spidey sense will tell you, this is too good to be true.
It is.
That's a good question.
It probably depends.
I know back in my second marriage when I wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy, I'd have one of those victim pukes.
Mike's wife called him that.
She goes, I think everything's fine.
She said, I'd rather be with a jerk.
At least a jerk treats me bad all the time.
You treat me well.
I think everything's good.
And then you blow up.
And so I'd have one of these victim pukes.
And again, I'd just puke out everything I'd rehearsed, wanted to say, held in.
And then when things got calm and cleaned up all the mess, she'd say, how long that been bothering you?
I go, I don't know, six months, maybe.
And she said, it never crossed your mind to just say something?
And I go,
Not really.
And if I had, it probably just would have pissed you off.
She goes, I'd rather you say something.
So, you know, I had, I think about a six month cycle that I, but probably everybody's different.
It probably, I'll get guys, they'll write me and say, Robert, how do I take a woman on a coffee date and then get her to come back to my place and take her clothes off?
And I go, you know, they'll conflate different stories I've told into one, like that happens all the time.
Right, right, right.
And I go, well, that kind of agenda probably isn't going to work so well for you.
But so there may be some that, you know, if he took you on a coffee date and you don't go back to his place and take your clothes off, he may get pissed about that.
And if you blog, I mean, if you Google nice guy syndrome,
nice guys.
And just go online and read like blogs, especially that are written by women.
Most of them will make a point of how the guy was so nice to them, treated them so well.
And then when they didn't want to be his girlfriend or didn't want to take their clothes off, how then he like
went on the attack, blew up, said hurtful things, and like that.
So there's enough women out there that have experienced that piece to probably make them leery of all nice guys.
Now, every guy is different.
So some guys may just say hurtful things.
Some guys may just ghost.
Some guys may just try harder, trying to do more of getting the woman to go along and appreciate them.
So
I can't give you a definite answer.
It's going to be three days or six months, but sooner or later, if you're with a nice guy using covert contracts, he's keeping score.
Not only is he the scorekeeper, he's the judge, he's the referee, he's the doer.
And if you haven't done your share according to what he thinks that should be, you're going to get it sooner or later.
That's Neil Strauss again.
Yeah.
I love that quote because that spells out the covert contract so beautifully.
The unexpressed expectations always lead to premeditated expectations.
resentments.
It does.
It does.
If you're not asking for what you want, if you're not clear with yourself, if you're just giving to get, yeah, at some point, you're probably going to get frustrated that leads to pissed off, that leads to not nice.
Yes, all of the above.
So where did it come from?
Child Development 101.
The first thing I remember learning in child development is that for every child, abandonment equals death.
Children are completely dependent and needy at birth.
You've had a couple, you know they can't take care of themselves.
And so they're completely dependent on the attentiveness and the skills of their caregivers and just an abundance of surroundings where they get their needs met.
Every child has experiences that feel like abandonment, that feel like death, that trigger a state of anxiety, and or lead to a sense of internalized shame, where the child internalizes, I'm the cause of that, I must be bad.
That's why mommy left and doesn't come back, or that's why daddy's angry, or that's why I'm cold and I don't get... We don't think that is purely emotional internalization that gets stored up in our amygdala, that you know is the source of our fight-flight-freeze mechanism.
So that stores up all emotional memory.
And so that can build up states of anxiety because that's what the amygdala does.
It keeps us ready to fight, flee, or freeze.
It's a survival mechanism.
So most of us carry some degree of anxiety and shame from infancy, childhood, into adolescence, and into adulthood.
We all develop survival mechanisms.
We try to do two things.
Everybody does.
Now, we're not conscious of doing this, but one thing we're trying to do is how do we soothe and manage the discomfort we feel right now?
That state of anxiety, dis-ease, discomfort.
I sucked my thumb until I was in kindergarten.
So that's one way I manage my states of anxiety.
Some children might cry, some might eat, some might perform, some might sleep, some might be depressed.
Every human being tries to manage those uncomfortable feelings.
The second thing we try to do is try to, using a very, very undeveloped brain, develop strategies to prevent those uncomfortable situations from happening again.
And again, there's any number of ways a human might do that, a child might do it.
Trying to be nice, going along to get along, never being a moment's problem, avoiding conflict, especially being needless and wantless or trying to make sure everybody else's needs get met and then maybe ours will get met.
Those are the nice guy pattern.
So nice guy syndrome is just one of many what's called neuroses, neurotic ways of dealing with our discomfort of life, our anxiety and our shame.
So, you know, even the asshole jerk is trying to do that.
The perfectionist is trying to do that.
The kind person, the overachiever.
Everybody is trying to manage some interstate of discomfort or disease using tools, techniques we learned or we developed when we were three months old, three years old.
And then we get to be adults and we're still using them, thinking they should work.
And that's my definition of neurosis, as we're all neurotic in some way.
We're all using...
Life tools that we developed when we were three.
They don't work well when we're 30 or 60.
And so that's really what life is about, is learning through therapy, through coaching, through experience, through lots of different avenues, how to shed those old neurotic roadmaps and develop healthier ones.
I'm sure it's what you do in teaching people to be authentic.
Because most of us thought, oh, I'll hide these things about me because that leads to me getting hurt.
Well, then as we hide things about us, we also...
wall ourselves off from being loved and treated well and people being able to give to us.
No, they're not.
No, and you can be authentic and be very assertive and some people might take offense at that.
Well, in the way I use it in No More Mr. Nice Guy, it really is talking about in authenticity, right?
You're not being truly you.
And people, you know, when they find out I've written a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy, they'll often say, but you seem like a nice person.
Yeah.
And, you know, I don't take that as an insult because...
I think I am, you know, pretty easygoing.
I'm pretty generous.
I'm smart.
I'm funny.
Yeah.
For me, it really is around that inauthenticity.
It's all inauthenticity.
And around the covert contracts.
And underneath that, the shame and the anxiety.
If I'm trying to manage my shame and anxiety in all situations, very unconsciously.
And as Jung said, until we make the unconscious conscious, it'll rule our life and we'll call it fate.
So if we're being driven by our anxiety, our fight, flight, freeze, we're in sympathetic nervous system, we're in states of shame, so we don't want to be seen or known or make a mistake or look foolish.
Here on the surface, what we show people is meant to manage all of this.
So this is not authentic.
This is not honest.
It doesn't have an integrity to it.
And so it may look nice on the surface, but it's inauthentic.
Now the person, once they start dealing with their anxiety and their shame,
I mean, they get some rough edges to them, right?
We all have rough edges.
And for example, I did something in a previous relationship several years ago that really bothered me because I hurt somebody I cared about.
What did you do?
I got involved with somebody else before I ended that relationship.
Okay.
Okay.
And I felt bad about that because that one person was predicting the entire time we were together, you're going to kick me to the curb.
You're going to cheat on me.
You're going to kick me to the curb.
So I don't know if I just fulfilled some karmic thing they were bringing, but I struggled with it.
And I asked a good friend of mine who is a psychologist, and I said, you know, I can't believe I did that.
It was really hurtful.
When my mother found out, that's the first thing she said to me, what the hell were you thinking?
My mother was the first person she called.
Of course.
There you go.
And my buddy who knows me well, and again, he's a psychologist, he basically said this, Robert, you can be a dick.
He said, but you're not a dick.
He says, once you can integrate those two things, you'll be okay.
And this is what I call the integrated man, the authentic person.
I can be dickish.
I can be impatient.
I can, you know, be critical.
I'm a critical motherfucker at times.
But I'm actually not a hurtful person.
And I'll take ownership of when I'm not at my best.
So I've learned to where I can look at my dark side, look at my shadow, look at the parts of me.
And that's when I talk about integrated man in the book.
I'm talking about a man that's able to hold all aspects of himself.
The parts about him that are kind and loving and caring and the parts that are impatient and selfish and dickish.
Can we hold all of those parts together and own them?
Then you can actually get close to that person because if he does do a dickish thing, he'll own it.
He'll go, my bad.
I hurt you.
Well, here's what I've found, and this is my experience, is that, again, a lot of nice guys, they do reach their glass ceiling just because for whatever reason, their codependency, fear of being found out, fear of success, fear of there being too many demands they don't think they can meet.
So we will find ways to distract ourselves from truly living up to our potential.
With that said, I've met a number of guys.
I have a number of clients who are very successful, who've made millions.
And they still come to me because they turn into total simps in their relationships with women.
You know, they may go chase the only fangirls or, you know, the...
making arrangement girls.
I don't know what all those things are, but they tell me that.
Sure you don't.
And so, and then they're total simps with them.
You know, they take them on really expensive dates or trips and buy them expensive toys and things.
And so they've actually reached a pretty high level of success, but their nice guy pattern still show up.
What I found that the men that identify as nice guy who have achieved at a certain level of success
are often driven by a high insecurity, a need to, I've got to accomplish, I've got to succeed if I'm going to be loved, if I'm going to be valued, if I'm going to get the pretty woman that I want to love me.
So they actually do, many men do find ways to be relatively successful, but often if they identify with the nice guy stuff, I mean, if they call me up and want to work with me,
Nice guy's still showing up somewhere else in life.
And this might've been an overcompensation.
Look, look how good I am.
These are the guys that maybe got, they either got straight A's in schools because they had helicopter parents or, you know, and then they've gone on to do, you know, really well.
Or they're the ones that, you know, had ADHD and fucked up all the way through school, but they were really smart.
And they finally got it together as an adult and, you know, started trading in cryptocurrency or something and, you know, made a bunch of money.
But they still don't believe they deserve that or they're good enough.
And they still, again, will bring the covert contracts to the women in their life.
Let me, you know, spend a bunch of money on you and then you'll like me and want to be my girlfriend.
And the women often know that there's no real him inside of all that, the gifts and the money.
And the women will take the money, but often don't want to become his girlfriend.
I think we're both offering opinions.
Well, here's how I put it.
I've been saying for a long time that, I'll just say the feminine.
We can say women, but let's say feminine.
Feminine energy is, you know, the yin of things.
It's women, dogs, cats, energy, money, opportunity, adventure.
I say the feminine is highly attracted to a man who's comfortable in his own skin, knows where he's going, and looks like he's having a good time getting there.
Right.
Typically, when I say that to women coaches, they go, I
I said that on a Chris Williamson interview.
And then he told the same thing in an interview he did with Alex Hormozy right after that and asked him if he'd heard of me.
And then he quoted those three things.
And Alex Hormozy just started riffing on, yeah, even if you just had one of those, it'd be great.
Two, three.
So yeah, men, women, it doesn't matter.
A guy's comfortable in his own skin, likes himself.
He's not riddled with anxiety.
know where he's going, that's purpose, action, direction, and looks like he's having a good time getting there.
Is he having fun?
Is he playful?
Does he not take everything so seriously, but yet still knows what he's about and where he's going?
And men and women both, like you say, apparently Chris Williamson and Alex Ramosi both liked that description of a dude, of a guy who's, Chris called it three essences of a secure man or something like that.
That men look for in women?
Hot, young, skanky?
That's easy to do.
I will find another one, you know, or family expects me to get married.
After I got out of a 14-year marriage with, you know, nowadays everybody that breaks up says their ex is a borderline narcissist or social.
As a therapist—
I probably have met two true narcissists.
Really?
There aren't that many out there.
Even all these podcast people are saying, yeah, over, no, I don't think so.
Now, do we have problems getting along with each other?
Yeah, probably.
Our love is pretty immature?
Yeah, probably.
But I'll tell you what, when I got out of a 14-year marriage with, it was a difficult relationship.
It led me to write a book, so I'm very grateful.
But when I met nice girls after that, I wasn't turned on by them.
I dated one woman who, like, I used to say, you know, on paper, you check off every box of whatever.
I had to quit saying that because I knew that sounded dismissive and demeaning.
Right, right.
And, you know, after I broke up with her after about three months, she was a great woman.
She goes, am I just not crazy enough for you?
And I go, could be, could be.
And then we stayed friends for quite some time.
And later on, she said, you know what?
I think I figured it out.
She said, my daughters pointed out that every man I get with, I kind of just adapt to him, to whatever he likes.
You know, one guy was fishing.
One guy was riding bikes.
You know, another guy was this.
And she goes, I realized there probably wasn't enough me there.
You could have just steamrolled right over me.
But yeah, you're probably right.
And if you are a strong enough person, you don't want to steamroll over your partner.
And that means you don't want to be holding back with them either.
My wife just is lovely.
She's
She's fiery.
She's fiery Mexican, been a gym rat since she was 15, kickboxing, Mai Tai.
She walks into a room and just lights the room up.
She can out squat me.
She's just a tough, grew up eight out of 10 kids in poverty in Guadalajara, Mexico.
Wow.
She's tough.
She's a sweetheart.
She's the most generous, open-hearted, loving person I know.
And I call her my mafiosa.
You know, we have to negotiate anything.
I put her in charge because she loves to fight.
Yeah.
So she is strong.
So this woman treats me like gold.
I'll be sitting at my desk, you know, doing an interview or working with a client.
My door opens and a hand comes in and puts a glass of coconut water on the corner of my desk and she sneaks back out.
You know, she's sweet and loving and generous, but she won't take shit off me.
And she loves it when I tell her no.
She loves it when I lead.
We go into a restaurant.
We live in Mexico.
And the waiters always ask her, should I give him a menu in English?
She says, no, he's in Mexico.
He'll order in Spanish.
And then so they give her a menu.
She says, no, he's my boss.
He'll order for me.
And so she likes it that...
She knows she can kick my ass.
You ask anybody that knows us, who's the stronger personality-wise, strength-wise in our relationship, they'll all point at her, no doubt.
But she loves it that I tell her to wait for me and I open her door.
She loves it that I order for her in restaurants.
She loves it that, you know, I'll set the boundaries with her and I'll let her know, no, we don't cross that line.
But I tell you what-
You know...
I'm around a lot of men.
I listen to a lot of men.
Guy friends, men I work with.
And I always love it when a guy, usually a millennial, is telling me, ah, I met this amazing woman.
She's just so amazing.
She's a CEO of her own company.
She mountain bikes, downhill mountain bikes.
She snowboards.
She does river rafting.
She does this and she's that.
And I go, man, you're describing a dude.
And what I found is that most men nowadays,
You know, sometimes we're prettier and we take more time to get ready than our woman does.
And I'm fairly feminine in my energies.
No, you're not.
I've had to work at being more masculine.
Really?
Yeah.
You know, I like nice stuff.
I like comfort.
That's not very feminine.
Yeah.
You don't come across feminine.
Comfort, yeah.
I'm not going to try to talk you out of that.
Well, you know, okay.
We live in a culture where guys can go to dating boot camps, learn how to meet women.
We got swipe right apps.
You know, we do have OnlyFans.
We do have, you know, we've got every technology under the sun.
for men and women to meet each other.
And in spite of all that technology, like I say, fewer and fewer people are getting married, fewer and fewer.
I think the most recent study I saw for the first time in America ever, over half of all people under 35 report not being in a relationship.
That's a lot of people not in a relationship.
More and more men report not having had sex in the last year or maybe ever.
And I'm thinking we've got the technology, everybody's using it, but we've got this hookup culture.
And I think there's a lot of factors that go in, but I think both men and women have their own fear of FOMO.
Men is, well, yeah, if I settle for this woman, there's that younger, hotter woman that I can't go for if I get in with this woman.
So I'll wait because I might find a younger, hotter one.
For the women, their FOMO is, well, I get all this attention from men all the time.
Men want to take me out.
Men want to spend money on me.
Men are hitting on me.
If I get in with this one guy, I've got to let go of all that other attention that I like so much.
So we've got all the technology.
And there's other stuff going in.
I think if we grew up with broken families, we're more leery about commitment in a relationship.
I think there's a lot of factors.
Apparently, stuff I've read.
I don't know that a lot of people tell me that, but I've kind of read a couple articles recently that people with broken homes don't want to make that same mistake or put kids through the trauma, so they put off having kids, don't get married.
But I think that reverse polarity is part of it, too, that is men are more passively pleasing.
And the way I define masculine-feminine energy—
Nothing to do with man or woman.
But the masculine part in me and you is the doer part.
It gets stuff done.
It conquers and then rests in nothingness.
So when you're running your show, running your podcast, you're in your masculine.
The feminine part of ourself is done too.
It receives.
It's receptive.
It's got an empty bucket that wants to be filled.
This gets filled through good conversation, through connection, through music.
Through watching a movie, through sitting in nature and watching clouds and listening to birds.
That's the feminine part of ourself that wants to receive.
Now, unfortunately, the feminine part of ourself often gets dumbed to and feels victimized, all right?
So we've all got a masculine and feminine side.
And so when I said I'm fairly feminine, I'm not aggressive by nature.
I'm not controlling.
I'll go along to get along.
Somebody says, hey, let's go here for dinner.
I'll go, sure, great.
So I'm pretty receptive that way.
But do I want to sit around and listen to drama and gossip and this and that?
No.
So I'm much more masculine.
I'd rather go do with the guys, right?
That doer part of me.
And yet we all have those sides and we can consciously move in and out of them a relationship.
A man and a woman are, you know, gay men and lesbian get this stuff a lot better than straight people do.
Straight people, again, we're so PC, we're afraid of making a mistake.
Gay men, they know who the top and who the bottom is.
You know, lesbian women.
Is that true?
Oh, yes.
Ask them.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
I live in a gay-friendly community in Puerto Vallarta.
Used to be pretty much every guy friend I had was gay.
Yeah, when gay men talk to each other in a bar, they're not trying to figure out if they're going to have sex.
They're talking about who's top, who's bottom.
Really?
They usually already know.
That's what they tell me.
That's what they tell me.
And if you look at the women in relationship,
There's usually one that's obviously stronger, more dominant than the other.
They get it, that the polarity feels good.
Now, can we trade those roles back and forth?
Yeah.
Can I tell my wife, wait, I'll open your door.
Can I order for her?
Do I make all the money and pay all the bills?
Yeah, I do all that.
When the car needs fixed, she goes and finds the mechanic.
When we're buying a new car right now, she's handling it all.
Because when a white guy shows up in the car showroom in Mexico, we get the gringo price.
Really?
So my wife can manage all that stuff.
She's got that strong masculine.
But I tell you what, she's in Columbia right now at a salsa event.
She loves to dance.
And she's just sending me pictures and telling me everybody just loves her.
They're so excited she's there.
She's the head of the party.
Because she is that way.
In any room she goes in, especially if it involves dance.
And she's in her feminine, just soaking it up, receiving, being loved on.
And, you know, and I'm out here getting the work done and paying the bills.
But we trade off back and forth because we each have strengths and not so strong areas.
Maturity.
Okay.
You know, all the things we've been talking about, are you willing to show up and be you, let the other person see you, be authentic, take ownership of where you're less than perfect, where you mess up?
You got to be able to talk about stuff.
I think most of the relationships I'd been in that didn't make it, we'd reach a point where the other person would dig their heels in and just go, nope, not going to deal with this, not going to talk about it.
And so that's all the farther you're going to go.
So you've got to be able to talk about it.
The interesting thing is, when I met my wife, I basically had...
decent restaurant Spanish.
She didn't speak English, still doesn't speak much.
I can leave her for a weekend with my mother and they get along just fine, but she won't speak English to me.
Maybe she'll say a few swear words because I taught her.
But so I learned Spanish, okay?
And so here I am in my 50s and 60s,
Learning a foreign language, the basis of communication between two people, and I think she and I have the best communication of any relationship I've ever had.
Maybe for two reasons.
One is we don't have so many words that we can use and get caught up in all the words.
So we just got to figure out the basic words to communicate.
And there's still, I mean, there's occasional confusion that happens that maybe wouldn't have happened if we... But...
she's also willing to communicate.
She'll talk about stuff rather than just like keeping it in or letting it build.
And I've learned to talk about stuff.
So I think that's really important.
And then throwing that piece about polarity, I don't think it matters who's the masculine pole, who's the feminine pole, as long as two people in a relationship kind of have by default chosen a default masculine pole.
Somebody's got to get the ball rolling.
Somebody's got to be the one, because like, you know, most women I know have jobs, they have careers, they're making decisions, they're getting stuff done, they're in their mask from the moment you get up, even getting your makeup on and what you're going to wear.
You're still, you know, you'd think that's real feminine, but you're still, you know, it's planning out, how's my day?
What's this?
You got to commute, deal with, you know, managers, customers, salespeople, this, that, come home, there's laundry to be done, dishes to be done, dinner to be made.
You don't want to walk in the
house and have your man go, what do you want for dinner tonight?
It'd be nice if he just said, hey, babe, I got a plan.
Great.
Run with it.
It's not that you can't make the decision.
You're making them all day long.
And I tell men, if you want to polarize your woman, when she comes home, most women aren't real happy when they've been in their masculine all day.
And so I tell the guy, you know,
Start telling her what to do as soon as she walks in the door.
And I know that probably doesn't sound PC, but something like, all right, go get on something comfortable.
No, I got, no, no, go change.
Then you're going to sit down on the couch.
He's taking the masculine pole, telling her to do maybe what she doesn't want to do.
But most women aren't good at getting themselves back in their feminine pole when they've been in their masculine pole.
They may do it with wine.
They may do it with gossip.
They may do it with television.
But I call those pseudo junk feminine releases.
But what if you're a man?
You came home.
You know, you've been stressed today.
What if you got home and he said, you had a hard day, didn't you?
And he goes, but I know you had a great conversation with that Dr. Glover guy.
But he says, sit down.
I'm going to take your shoes off.
And he sat and started rubbing your feet.
And he said, you got five minutes of my undivided attention.
Tell me about your day.
How'd it go?
And he's just rubbing your feet.
And you're...
Everything he told you to do, if you did it, he's polarized you into your feminine.
Now you're more relaxed, more open.
Even if you guys make dinner together or figure out you can go eat out or include the kids in something, you're in a much more relaxed, open, receptive state than if you'd just been in that hard driving, no, we still got to get stuff done, got to get stuff done.
So that's just a little hack that I teach men to polarize their partner back into their feminine.
And now that opening process has begun.
You're happier when you're open and receptive.
When you're masculine, you got to kind of close that to reduce the drag as you're getting stuff done.
So I'll tell you one just like it.
Yeah.
I dated a woman who sold me shoes at Nordstrom.
So I met her at the mall.
And so there was a Ruth's Chris right in that same mall.
And they had this great happy hour with these great cheeseburgers, glass of wine, baseball game on the TV.
And she loved baseball.
So we were a good match in that way.
So I'd go meet her at happy hour and she'd get off work at the mall, you know, come in and she would just be bitchy.
And, you know, just complaining about the Microsoft Russian brides in there, snapping their fingers, bossing her around.
And my mother called me today and you wouldn't believe what my mother said.
Yeah, I know what she said, because what she always says, you need to get a career.
She'd be just, I'd take my phone out.
I'd put it on the bar, set a five-minute timer, and I'd tell her, you've got five minutes of my undivided attention.
Tell me everything about your day, and then we're going to enjoy a burger, wine, and baseball.
She couldn't even fill five minutes because she didn't want to stay in that crabby mood, but I gave her a container to let it out.
She'd usually be done in one or two minutes.
She goes, yeah, my mom pissed me off, but okay, what's new?
Yeah, the Russian brides, yeah, what's new?
And then she'd go, who's winning?
But when I created that masculine frame, that container to just let her let it out, then she was good to go and not another complaint the rest of the night.
I thought about it.
I'd like to do it for a living.
No, it's everything that I've learned the hard way, right?
I was that passively pleasing, nice guy.
What do you want to do tonight, dear?
And, you know, I just heard as a marriage therapist, I got to hear from a lot of women what they didn't like.
Yeah.
About their relationship.
Okay, I'll give you one more that's similar to what we're talking about.
I was taking actually the Nordstrom lady on a date.
We're going to the winery for a concert.
And nice evening.
We have food.
We're going to go drink good wine, listen to a 60s band or something.
And so we're driving.
I think I was driving a Mercedes at that time.
So it's a date night, right?
And she's over there in the passenger seat on her phone.
And I look over and I go, you texting the babysitter?
She looks at me like, we don't have a babysitter.
She had a 17-year-old daughter.
I go, we don't have a babysitter.
I go, if you're not texting the babysitter, put your phone back in your purse.
We're on a date.
And she looks at me and goes, I like it.
She put her phone in her purse, and now she was fully there.
Right.
So you can do this.
I mean, I made a joke of it.
I was playful with it.
So-
For men, we have this fear that we're going to come off as controlling or a jerk.
And I know, even using words like dominance and submission makes everybody anxious and antsy.
But there has to be each pole, otherwise we're just two friends hanging out with each other.
Somebody's gotta be in a dominant pole, somebody's gotta be in a submissive pole.
And again, that can change, right?
And just helping people, men and women, understand that that's okay.
Somebody dominant, somebody, otherwise, for example, if it comes to sex, if you don't have a dominant, feminine, a dominant submissive pole in sex, you just have two bodies laying next to each other waiting for something to happen.
You do have to have a pitcher.
You have to have a catcher.
You have to have a top.
You have to have a bottom.
There has to be that for anything to happen interpersonally, sexually, otherwise.
So I think where I begin with men is saying, listen, it's okay to play a dominant role if you're doing that in a conscious, open-hearted, loving way.
You're not trying to control the woman, get her to do anything.
You're actually inviting her into a more open place where she can be more receptive.
Whereas I love David Data's term where you can fuck her to God.
Without polarity, that doesn't happen.
You can't fuck to God.
And so helping men come to understand that that's a gift that they give their partner, even like the subtle telling her what to do.
I say, tell her to do what she already wants to do.
And then if she does it, you've polarized her into a receptive feminine place.
And now she's open for all the goodies that come.
This is a whole other podcast.
It is.
It is.
I started a men's membership program a couple of years ago, the Integration Nation, mainly because I think...
Maybe one of the biggest problems we're dealing with today culturally, especially men, it's just a lack of contact with other people.
Everybody's going it alone, right?
You got your big cow, you got your incels, you just got guys with social anxiety or no social skills.
And so many men are just isolated.
I mean, the studies are out there, how lonely, isolated men are, the physical toll that takes, the emotional toll, the suicide, the toll on their, it's just, it's a mess.
And, you know, there are probably so many factors that play into why men and women aren't getting along with each other so well.
But this is a core problem of people being so alone.
What's that step to get people to... Here's... Because I'm an advocate for men.
Nowadays, I just work with men.
I've actually been working with a New York marketing company that sought me out recently and said, we want to make you a star.
We've made these other people stars.
I won't mention their names, but you've heard of them.
And what they really honed in on was something that they've been calling Guy's Night Out.
Taking that phrase and showing the necessity for men to have a deep bond and connection with other men.
And as a marriage therapist, I said for years when a couple walk in my office, I tell both people, the best thing you guys can do for your marriage is have good same-sex friends.
Now, you women usually are pretty good at keeping your girlfriends.
I mean, yeah, you're on and off with each other and you have your fights, but you get back together.
Guys, once we get in relationship, you know, we may go years without talking to our guy friends.
Right.
They got in relationship too and, you know, whatever.
And so I'm convinced that a man's ability to have a deep, powerful relationship with a woman is built on a foundation of having those deep relationships with men.
Because, you know, when I was single...
and, you know, dating in my 40s and 50s, I'd have women ask me about my guy friends.
And, you know, I knew what they're asking, because they probably dated enough guys that didn't have guy friends, or maybe just had one, and they came to recognize there was something lacking, something missing in a guy that can't connect with men.
Because if he can't connect with men, probably he's not gonna, he either can't connect with her, or he turns her into everything.
You know, be my everything, be my companion, be my, you know, so...
I've been building communities, teaching, preaching to men.
What I run into is coming up with a language, a marketing language, basically, to communicate with men just the secret sauce, how good it feels when you get real with other men, when you get vulnerable.
I do workshops in my home about every other month where eight strangers come.
They don't know each other when they get there.
And I tell them, you're looking around the room, you're measuring each other, thinking, I don't like that guy.
I wish he hadn't come.
He reminds me of somebody.
I said, by Sunday afternoon, you guys are gonna feel like you've been frat brothers for 20 years.
And it begins with going back to that authenticity that you talk about.
Friday night, all we do is talk about why we're there.
And all it takes is one guy to get vulnerable.
You know, I've been struggling with porn and, you know, my wife keeps finding it out.
My marriage is coming apart.
Or another guy saying, I'm on the brink of divorce.
Or I find out my wife's cheating on me.
Or, you know, they share.
And every guy, one guy shares, the next guy goes deeper.
He goes deeper, they go deeper.
So there's, when men can get with other men and have a safe container for that and
And just be vulnerable, where it's not like, oh, life's good, life's great.
Totally agree.
Job's good.
Oh, yeah, life's good.
No, where you can actually say, I'm struggling, or I'm having a hard time, or I'm burned out, or I'm stressed.
I'll give you an example of this.
I got invited to go be a guest speaker at an entrepreneur's mastermind ski event in Japan.
So I was just in Japan a couple months ago.
It was great.
Loved it.
Everybody said I would.
So I was going to be the guest, the first speaker for a group of 45, mostly guys, or maybe were five or six women in the group, but it was mostly guys.
And the guy that invited, who put it on, invited me to come speak.
I said, all right, how can I serve you?
What do you want me to talk about?
And he goes, well, you know, this could be a dick measuring contest with all these guy entrepreneurs.
And I go...
Let me test them.
Let me see how far I can push them.
So I didn't even know what I was going to talk about when I got up in front of all 45.
But so what I talked about, what I had them do, I said, go pick two people you don't know.
And for each of you, it's two minutes.
And during those six minutes, you have to tell the other two people someplace that you're struggling.
Are you burned out?
Are your click funnels not working?
Are you struggling to find love?
The love you have isn't working.
Go tell these two strangers something's not working.
All right, man, the conversation got so loud and energized, you know, I had to kind of basically yell to get them to come back, sit down, and then we kind of went around the room.
And what were some of the core things they talked about?
Then I said, okay, everybody that is struggling to find love, you're going to meet over here in this corner.
Everybody that your love life isn't working is going to go get in that corner.
Everybody's dealing with burnout, you get in that corner.
Financial stress is over here.
You know, trying to make your company work, feeling overwhelmed over here.
Then we split them up and I said, now you know everybody in your group is struggling with the same issue you are.
I want you to get to know each other.
And again, the conversations were so loud, so animated, so energized that we couldn't get it to end.
And so for the rest of that trip, it's like four days up in the mountains skiing and four or five more days in Tokyo.
That group of people went so deep with each other and just engaging and posting about...
You know, fears they have, you know, depression they've struggled with.
And I went ahead and joined a group that they've continued having, and I'm a member of it, because it's a bunch of entrepreneurs that are really trying to put a dent in the universe, but they're human.
And that's the thing.
And they found a place, and it's all men, the group I joined.
And the guy leading it, who's the guy that invited me to Japan, has set it up beautifully to where we're real with each other.
Yeah, we're going to take great trips.
Yeah, we're going to talk about business.
Yeah, we're going to help each other.
But we're going to be real.
We're going to talk about our struggles because we need each other.
Community.
That is the part.
Going back to finding marketing language to help men.
It's like, you know, for a blind person who's never seen a sunset, how do you describe it?
Or somebody who's never tasted a banana, how do you... A man who's like got dad issues, got bullied as a kid, doesn't trust men, sees men as competitive and dicks and jerks and, you know, how do you get that guy...
How do you sell them on risking getting into a group, an environment, a workshop, even guys night out, going out with old friends and just taking the risk of being real and sharing something about yourself?
It's a hard sell for men because we've got a lot of walls up.
But until men create that bond with other men, I don't think we're going to be very good in relationship.
And I found that in my relationships in life, when I was just wrapped up in the woman, no guy friends, I...
Those relationships didn't work well.
So when I married Lupita, my wife, I had about one and a half good guy friends in my life at that time.
And I knew that wasn't going to work.
We were already having some struggles.
I was feeling kind of isolated living in Mexico.
And so I went looking, found a men's program that I was in for six years.
In fact, next week, I'm going to one of the retreats.
I still come hang out with them after six years of being a part of the program.
And I built men's programs.
I now...
I'm not making this up, have at least 25 to 50 men that if I called them up at three in the morning, they'd get on an airplane and come fly down there to be there for them.
And my wife sees that, and my wife loves it.
And so many of these men have come in my home, and men come into our home for these workshops, and my wife sees them, and they see these men have great respect for her man.
And guys tell me that I've changed my wife's world.
Not only does she wear a little lemon and fly first class...
But I've changed it because she didn't trust men.
Growing up in macho culture, every man she's ever known has been a serial cheater.
Because of the good men I brought around, and she's seen my commitment to be a good man and help men.
Not be a nice guy, but be a good man.
Right.
That's changed her world completely where she's become more trusting and more open and more receptive.
And that's happened because I've been in groups of men where I got real, where I told the truth, where I was struggling, where I was on a slippery slope noticing somebody over there that, no, that didn't work.
They keep me on path.
DrGlover.com.
Thank you so much for joining me today. Every time I hear somebody read the bio that I've sent them, I think, I need to shorten that. I need to cut it down to just, Dr. Glover lives in Mexico. Just that. No more than that.
Thank you so much for joining me today. Every time I hear somebody read the bio that I've sent them, I think, I need to shorten that. I need to cut it down to just, Dr. Glover lives in Mexico. Just that. No more than that.
Thank you so much for joining me today. Every time I hear somebody read the bio that I've sent them, I think, I need to shorten that. I need to cut it down to just, Dr. Glover lives in Mexico. Just that. No more than that.
Okay, so yeah, we'll get to kind of cover two topics here, the whole nice guy dynamic and dating. And, you know, they often overlap, not always. But yeah, I'm a recovering nice guy. You know, if you'd met me 30 years ago, I would have told you I'm a nice guy. I'm one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. I would have thought that was a good thing.
Okay, so yeah, we'll get to kind of cover two topics here, the whole nice guy dynamic and dating. And, you know, they often overlap, not always. But yeah, I'm a recovering nice guy. You know, if you'd met me 30 years ago, I would have told you I'm a nice guy. I'm one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. I would have thought that was a good thing.
Okay, so yeah, we'll get to kind of cover two topics here, the whole nice guy dynamic and dating. And, you know, they often overlap, not always. But yeah, I'm a recovering nice guy. You know, if you'd met me 30 years ago, I would have told you I'm a nice guy. I'm one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. I would have thought that was a good thing.
I couldn't understand why everybody didn't have that philosophy. You know, be kind, be generous, be easygoing, and, you know, avoidant of conflict and pleasing of other people. And for me, my story began in my second marriage when my wife just flat out told me, she says, you need help. Everybody thinks you're such a nice guy, but you're not. You treat me badly. You're passive aggressive.
I couldn't understand why everybody didn't have that philosophy. You know, be kind, be generous, be easygoing, and, you know, avoidant of conflict and pleasing of other people. And for me, my story began in my second marriage when my wife just flat out told me, she says, you need help. Everybody thinks you're such a nice guy, but you're not. You treat me badly. You're passive aggressive.
I couldn't understand why everybody didn't have that philosophy. You know, be kind, be generous, be easygoing, and, you know, avoidant of conflict and pleasing of other people. And for me, my story began in my second marriage when my wife just flat out told me, she says, you need help. Everybody thinks you're such a nice guy, but you're not. You treat me badly. You're passive aggressive.
You'll blow up. You embarrass me in public. You know, if you don't go get help, I'm going to leave you. I thought, wait a minute. You're the one who's angry all the time, never wants to have sex anymore, is moody, you know. And I'm the one that has to go get help? Okay, I went.
You'll blow up. You embarrass me in public. You know, if you don't go get help, I'm going to leave you. I thought, wait a minute. You're the one who's angry all the time, never wants to have sex anymore, is moody, you know. And I'm the one that has to go get help? Okay, I went.
You'll blow up. You embarrass me in public. You know, if you don't go get help, I'm going to leave you. I thought, wait a minute. You're the one who's angry all the time, never wants to have sex anymore, is moody, you know. And I'm the one that has to go get help? Okay, I went.
And luckily, I quickly landed in some really good places and started to really understand why my roadmap, my paradigm that I'd had since childhood, I'm thinking if I just do everything right, make everybody happy, avoid all conflict, you know, hide all my mistakes, then I'll be liked and loved to get my needs met. And I started finding out why that didn't work.
And luckily, I quickly landed in some really good places and started to really understand why my roadmap, my paradigm that I'd had since childhood, I'm thinking if I just do everything right, make everybody happy, avoid all conflict, you know, hide all my mistakes, then I'll be liked and loved to get my needs met. And I started finding out why that didn't work.
And luckily, I quickly landed in some really good places and started to really understand why my roadmap, my paradigm that I'd had since childhood, I'm thinking if I just do everything right, make everybody happy, avoid all conflict, you know, hide all my mistakes, then I'll be liked and loved to get my needs met. And I started finding out why that didn't work.
And I started learning about how to be more honest, more transparent, how to ask for what I want, how to have boundaries, how to say no. And as I started working on my issues in therapy and then later a men's group, I was a therapist at the time. And I started noticing a lot of the men coming to me were saying a lot of the same things I said. Really, just two categories of guys.
And I started learning about how to be more honest, more transparent, how to ask for what I want, how to have boundaries, how to say no. And as I started working on my issues in therapy and then later a men's group, I was a therapist at the time. And I started noticing a lot of the men coming to me were saying a lot of the same things I said. Really, just two categories of guys.
And I started learning about how to be more honest, more transparent, how to ask for what I want, how to have boundaries, how to say no. And as I started working on my issues in therapy and then later a men's group, I was a therapist at the time. And I started noticing a lot of the men coming to me were saying a lot of the same things I said. Really, just two categories of guys.
The first one were in relationship. And since I was, that's who I'm most related to. But they'd come with their wives or girlfriends, and they'd say the same thing as me. I'm a nice guy. I treat her better than her ex. I'm raising her kids. I do everything for her. I try to make her happy. It's never enough. When's it going to be my turn? And I thought, man, they're just like me.
The first one were in relationship. And since I was, that's who I'm most related to. But they'd come with their wives or girlfriends, and they'd say the same thing as me. I'm a nice guy. I treat her better than her ex. I'm raising her kids. I do everything for her. I try to make her happy. It's never enough. When's it going to be my turn? And I thought, man, they're just like me.
The first one were in relationship. And since I was, that's who I'm most related to. But they'd come with their wives or girlfriends, and they'd say the same thing as me. I'm a nice guy. I treat her better than her ex. I'm raising her kids. I do everything for her. I try to make her happy. It's never enough. When's it going to be my turn? And I thought, man, they're just like me.
The second kind of guy was a single guy. And they'd come in. They say, you know, I'm a nice guy. All the women I know tell me that. I have lots of female friends, except none of them want to date me or get naked with me. I know that all too well. Yeah. They all say, someday you're going to make some lucky woman so happy. But how come they don't want to be my girlfriend? You are such a great catch.
The second kind of guy was a single guy. And they'd come in. They say, you know, I'm a nice guy. All the women I know tell me that. I have lots of female friends, except none of them want to date me or get naked with me. I know that all too well. Yeah. They all say, someday you're going to make some lucky woman so happy. But how come they don't want to be my girlfriend? You are such a great catch.
The second kind of guy was a single guy. And they'd come in. They say, you know, I'm a nice guy. All the women I know tell me that. I have lots of female friends, except none of them want to date me or get naked with me. I know that all too well. Yeah. They all say, someday you're going to make some lucky woman so happy. But how come they don't want to be my girlfriend? You are such a great catch.
Not for me, but for somebody. Somebody else. Yeah. you know, these guys, I thought, okay, I'm not the only one. So I started almost 30 years ago. My first no more, Mr. Nice guy, men's group. Uh, we just started working on, on these nice guy issues, that paradigm that says, if I'm just a good guy, everybody will like me and love me. And women will want to get naked with me. And, um,
Not for me, but for somebody. Somebody else. Yeah. you know, these guys, I thought, okay, I'm not the only one. So I started almost 30 years ago. My first no more, Mr. Nice guy, men's group. Uh, we just started working on, on these nice guy issues, that paradigm that says, if I'm just a good guy, everybody will like me and love me. And women will want to get naked with me. And, um,
Not for me, but for somebody. Somebody else. Yeah. you know, these guys, I thought, okay, I'm not the only one. So I started almost 30 years ago. My first no more, Mr. Nice guy, men's group. Uh, we just started working on, on these nice guy issues, that paradigm that says, if I'm just a good guy, everybody will like me and love me. And women will want to get naked with me. And, um,
And I just started writing, I don't know what to call them, chapters, lessons, blogs. I'd write every Wednesday and give these guys what I was discovering about what I thought the origins of nice guy syndrome was, how it manifested, what to do different. And I just kept writing. And the guys, and often their wives and girlfriends, said, Robert, you need to write a book. You need to go on Oprah.
And I just started writing, I don't know what to call them, chapters, lessons, blogs. I'd write every Wednesday and give these guys what I was discovering about what I thought the origins of nice guy syndrome was, how it manifested, what to do different. And I just kept writing. And the guys, and often their wives and girlfriends, said, Robert, you need to write a book. You need to go on Oprah.
And I just started writing, I don't know what to call them, chapters, lessons, blogs. I'd write every Wednesday and give these guys what I was discovering about what I thought the origins of nice guy syndrome was, how it manifested, what to do different. And I just kept writing. And the guys, and often their wives and girlfriends, said, Robert, you need to write a book. You need to go on Oprah.
This could be a bestseller. Lots of people need this book.
This could be a bestseller. Lots of people need this book.
This could be a bestseller. Lots of people need this book.
and so i kept writing over a period of six or seven years finally finished took about three years to get it published a lot of publishing companies said robert we like your book but our marketing department says men won't buy a self-help book um you know that book now makes uh annual six-figure royalty checks so apparently men do buy self-help books um and so
and so i kept writing over a period of six or seven years finally finished took about three years to get it published a lot of publishing companies said robert we like your book but our marketing department says men won't buy a self-help book um you know that book now makes uh annual six-figure royalty checks so apparently men do buy self-help books um and so
and so i kept writing over a period of six or seven years finally finished took about three years to get it published a lot of publishing companies said robert we like your book but our marketing department says men won't buy a self-help book um you know that book now makes uh annual six-figure royalty checks so apparently men do buy self-help books um and so
I've been working with nice guys for about 30 years. And then when that second marriage that I was in came to an end after about 14 years of marriage, and I was out in the dating world in my late 40s for the first time, really, I've been married twice for a total of 25 years. You know, I got married the first time two days after I graduated from college.
I've been working with nice guys for about 30 years. And then when that second marriage that I was in came to an end after about 14 years of marriage, and I was out in the dating world in my late 40s for the first time, really, I've been married twice for a total of 25 years. You know, I got married the first time two days after I graduated from college.
I've been working with nice guys for about 30 years. And then when that second marriage that I was in came to an end after about 14 years of marriage, and I was out in the dating world in my late 40s for the first time, really, I've been married twice for a total of 25 years. You know, I got married the first time two days after I graduated from college.
So, you know, I'd never just been, you know, like a single guy out there knowing how to meet women, how to date, how to have lots of experiences. So my first two wives were my first two sexual partners. And, you know, I got out there in the dating world. I thought, OK, well, where do I start? You know, I knew two things.
So, you know, I'd never just been, you know, like a single guy out there knowing how to meet women, how to date, how to have lots of experiences. So my first two wives were my first two sexual partners. And, you know, I got out there in the dating world. I thought, OK, well, where do I start? You know, I knew two things.
So, you know, I'd never just been, you know, like a single guy out there knowing how to meet women, how to date, how to have lots of experiences. So my first two wives were my first two sexual partners. And, you know, I got out there in the dating world. I thought, OK, well, where do I start? You know, I knew two things.
After being married to 25 years to two women, neither of whom I should have gone on more than three dates with. But that's how bad a picker and how bad of an ender I was. I got to become a better picker. I got to become a better ender. And so being a better picker means I got to learn how to date. And then I also have to learn how to be a better ender because...
After being married to 25 years to two women, neither of whom I should have gone on more than three dates with. But that's how bad a picker and how bad of an ender I was. I got to become a better picker. I got to become a better ender. And so being a better picker means I got to learn how to date. And then I also have to learn how to be a better ender because...
After being married to 25 years to two women, neither of whom I should have gone on more than three dates with. But that's how bad a picker and how bad of an ender I was. I got to become a better picker. I got to become a better ender. And so being a better picker means I got to learn how to date. And then I also have to learn how to be a better ender because...
I come to realize that being a good ender covers a multitude of sins of bad picks because dating is actually a series of bad picks. You know, when guys complain, you know, I got all I've got is these one and dones. You know, they I go, that's normal. That's dating. That's how it's supposed to work. You should go on one date and go now no more. That's enough. You know, let's try another one.
I come to realize that being a good ender covers a multitude of sins of bad picks because dating is actually a series of bad picks. You know, when guys complain, you know, I got all I've got is these one and dones. You know, they I go, that's normal. That's dating. That's how it's supposed to work. You should go on one date and go now no more. That's enough. You know, let's try another one.
I come to realize that being a good ender covers a multitude of sins of bad picks because dating is actually a series of bad picks. You know, when guys complain, you know, I got all I've got is these one and dones. You know, they I go, that's normal. That's dating. That's how it's supposed to work. You should go on one date and go now no more. That's enough. You know, let's try another one.
So, you know, I was in my late 40s. Typically, my nice guy seduction of high school and college was I'd never just walk up to a woman and talk to her and ask her out. I'd maybe sit next to her in class, try to answer as many questions as I could to show off how smart I was. Maybe get to know her a little bit, volunteer to do something for her, just be different than all the other guys.
So, you know, I was in my late 40s. Typically, my nice guy seduction of high school and college was I'd never just walk up to a woman and talk to her and ask her out. I'd maybe sit next to her in class, try to answer as many questions as I could to show off how smart I was. Maybe get to know her a little bit, volunteer to do something for her, just be different than all the other guys.
So, you know, I was in my late 40s. Typically, my nice guy seduction of high school and college was I'd never just walk up to a woman and talk to her and ask her out. I'd maybe sit next to her in class, try to answer as many questions as I could to show off how smart I was. Maybe get to know her a little bit, volunteer to do something for her, just be different than all the other guys.
Can I carry your books? Can I help you move? Can I wash your car? You know, anything. I'd never say, can I see you naked? Will you want to go out with me? Then maybe in college, I'd wait until Friday afternoon, walk up to the woman on campus that I've been wanting to ask out and tap her on the shoulder and say, hey, I don't guess you'd want to go out with me tonight, would you?
Can I carry your books? Can I help you move? Can I wash your car? You know, anything. I'd never say, can I see you naked? Will you want to go out with me? Then maybe in college, I'd wait until Friday afternoon, walk up to the woman on campus that I've been wanting to ask out and tap her on the shoulder and say, hey, I don't guess you'd want to go out with me tonight, would you?
Can I carry your books? Can I help you move? Can I wash your car? You know, anything. I'd never say, can I see you naked? Will you want to go out with me? Then maybe in college, I'd wait until Friday afternoon, walk up to the woman on campus that I've been wanting to ask out and tap her on the shoulder and say, hey, I don't guess you'd want to go out with me tonight, would you?
It's amazing how many women were washing their hair that night when I wanted to take them out. So, I had to learn to do better. So I had a lot of clients started giving me books and CDs and DVDs. And, you know, I read the game and started listening to podcasts. And I said, I'm just going to get out and be a scientist. I'm going to go out and just...
It's amazing how many women were washing their hair that night when I wanted to take them out. So, I had to learn to do better. So I had a lot of clients started giving me books and CDs and DVDs. And, you know, I read the game and started listening to podcasts. And I said, I'm just going to get out and be a scientist. I'm going to go out and just...
It's amazing how many women were washing their hair that night when I wanted to take them out. So, I had to learn to do better. So I had a lot of clients started giving me books and CDs and DVDs. And, you know, I read the game and started listening to podcasts. And I said, I'm just going to get out and be a scientist. I'm going to go out and just...
Start interacting socially with people in general, but just start interacting with women and just see what works. Instead of approaching dating as how can I get a girlfriend or how can I get laid? I started approaching dating from a point of view of how does this work? How can I be the most effective at this? How can I be that better picker and that better ender?
Start interacting socially with people in general, but just start interacting with women and just see what works. Instead of approaching dating as how can I get a girlfriend or how can I get laid? I started approaching dating from a point of view of how does this work? How can I be the most effective at this? How can I be that better picker and that better ender?
Start interacting socially with people in general, but just start interacting with women and just see what works. Instead of approaching dating as how can I get a girlfriend or how can I get laid? I started approaching dating from a point of view of how does this work? How can I be the most effective at this? How can I be that better picker and that better ender?
And I quickly got good enough that I was getting a lot of dates, having a lot of sex. And my client started saying, Robert, teach us, what are you doing? I go, I'm not a dating guru. I don't know anything about dating. So I'm naturally inquisitive. I'm naturally a teacher. So I just started teaching the guys what I was doing. And that just kept growing.
And I quickly got good enough that I was getting a lot of dates, having a lot of sex. And my client started saying, Robert, teach us, what are you doing? I go, I'm not a dating guru. I don't know anything about dating. So I'm naturally inquisitive. I'm naturally a teacher. So I just started teaching the guys what I was doing. And that just kept growing.
And I quickly got good enough that I was getting a lot of dates, having a lot of sex. And my client started saying, Robert, teach us, what are you doing? I go, I'm not a dating guru. I don't know anything about dating. So I'm naturally inquisitive. I'm naturally a teacher. So I just started teaching the guys what I was doing. And that just kept growing.
It turned into a class, turned into a 16 lesson course that I taught online for several years. It turned into the book, Dating Essentials for Men more recently. dating essentials for men faq frequently asked questions i was just in new york about two weeks ago recording that so get on audio soon it's already out in ebook and in print on amazon so um
It turned into a class, turned into a 16 lesson course that I taught online for several years. It turned into the book, Dating Essentials for Men more recently. dating essentials for men faq frequently asked questions i was just in new york about two weeks ago recording that so get on audio soon it's already out in ebook and in print on amazon so um
It turned into a class, turned into a 16 lesson course that I taught online for several years. It turned into the book, Dating Essentials for Men more recently. dating essentials for men faq frequently asked questions i was just in new york about two weeks ago recording that so get on audio soon it's already out in ebook and in print on amazon so um
So I really don't even still consider myself a dating guru. I'm more of, I think, a relationship. I can say I'm a relationship expert. And back where I got, I've been married three times now. I've been married to my third wife five and a half years. And for a while when I was single, I'd say I'm a marriage therapist who's been divorced twice and a dating guru that doesn't have a girlfriend.
So I really don't even still consider myself a dating guru. I'm more of, I think, a relationship. I can say I'm a relationship expert. And back where I got, I've been married three times now. I've been married to my third wife five and a half years. And for a while when I was single, I'd say I'm a marriage therapist who's been divorced twice and a dating guru that doesn't have a girlfriend.
So I really don't even still consider myself a dating guru. I'm more of, I think, a relationship. I can say I'm a relationship expert. And back where I got, I've been married three times now. I've been married to my third wife five and a half years. And for a while when I was single, I'd say I'm a marriage therapist who's been divorced twice and a dating guru that doesn't have a girlfriend.
And people still keep lining up to pay me money to tell them how to do stuff. But I'm very practical and I really get real with guys and just get down to what doesn't work and what does. And most of what most guys do when it comes to women doesn't work. And just because we don't know better, you know, no one's taught us.
And people still keep lining up to pay me money to tell them how to do stuff. But I'm very practical and I really get real with guys and just get down to what doesn't work and what does. And most of what most guys do when it comes to women doesn't work. And just because we don't know better, you know, no one's taught us.
And people still keep lining up to pay me money to tell them how to do stuff. But I'm very practical and I really get real with guys and just get down to what doesn't work and what does. And most of what most guys do when it comes to women doesn't work. And just because we don't know better, you know, no one's taught us.
We learned everything we learned about women from listening to women complain about other men, beginning with their mothers or watching porn or unfortunately too much from, you know, the pickup and red pill, you know, gurus that say, do this, do that. And, you know, basically it's a war, us against the women. They're out to get us, so we got to get them first.
We learned everything we learned about women from listening to women complain about other men, beginning with their mothers or watching porn or unfortunately too much from, you know, the pickup and red pill, you know, gurus that say, do this, do that. And, you know, basically it's a war, us against the women. They're out to get us, so we got to get them first.
We learned everything we learned about women from listening to women complain about other men, beginning with their mothers or watching porn or unfortunately too much from, you know, the pickup and red pill, you know, gurus that say, do this, do that. And, you know, basically it's a war, us against the women. They're out to get us, so we got to get them first.
And, you know, so I'm very practical and very respectful, and I just believe in doing what works. And a lot of guys like the way I approach it because it's a breath of fresh air from spinning plates and, you know, running corny pickup lines. Who lies most, men or women, you know?
And, you know, so I'm very practical and very respectful, and I just believe in doing what works. And a lot of guys like the way I approach it because it's a breath of fresh air from spinning plates and, you know, running corny pickup lines. Who lies most, men or women, you know?
And, you know, so I'm very practical and very respectful, and I just believe in doing what works. And a lot of guys like the way I approach it because it's a breath of fresh air from spinning plates and, you know, running corny pickup lines. Who lies most, men or women, you know?
The women have all heard that line, you know, without peacocking and all the other stuff that, you know, guys do this to get a woman. Or do this to get digits, basically. Most pickups, mostly about getting phone numbers. It's not really about getting much more than that.
The women have all heard that line, you know, without peacocking and all the other stuff that, you know, guys do this to get a woman. Or do this to get digits, basically. Most pickups, mostly about getting phone numbers. It's not really about getting much more than that.
The women have all heard that line, you know, without peacocking and all the other stuff that, you know, guys do this to get a woman. Or do this to get digits, basically. Most pickups, mostly about getting phone numbers. It's not really about getting much more than that.
okay well it it it's even bigger than just women but you know we're talking mainly about dating so we'll hone in on that you know the one dynamic well the dynamic of the nice guy syndrome when i wrote no more mr nice guy i really focused in on the on the concept of shame that
okay well it it it's even bigger than just women but you know we're talking mainly about dating so we'll hone in on that you know the one dynamic well the dynamic of the nice guy syndrome when i wrote no more mr nice guy i really focused in on the on the concept of shame that
okay well it it it's even bigger than just women but you know we're talking mainly about dating so we'll hone in on that you know the one dynamic well the dynamic of the nice guy syndrome when i wrote no more mr nice guy i really focused in on the on the concept of shame that
at a very early age we everybody but nice guys in particular internalize inaccurately a belief i'm not good enough there's something wrong with me i'm not lovable i'm not valuable and this was you know through a child's immature mind internalizing our life experiences of you know our parents angry at us or you know we're hungry they don't feed us or you know our parents are fighting and children internalize i'm the cause of that there must be something wrong with me that's called toxic shame
at a very early age we everybody but nice guys in particular internalize inaccurately a belief i'm not good enough there's something wrong with me i'm not lovable i'm not valuable and this was you know through a child's immature mind internalizing our life experiences of you know our parents angry at us or you know we're hungry they don't feed us or you know our parents are fighting and children internalize i'm the cause of that there must be something wrong with me that's called toxic shame
at a very early age we everybody but nice guys in particular internalize inaccurately a belief i'm not good enough there's something wrong with me i'm not lovable i'm not valuable and this was you know through a child's immature mind internalizing our life experiences of you know our parents angry at us or you know we're hungry they don't feed us or you know our parents are fighting and children internalize i'm the cause of that there must be something wrong with me that's called toxic shame
And then we all develop coping mechanisms to try to not feel that and to try to get the love that we want and desire and get our needs met. Now, in time, I came to see that nice guy syndrome not only is built on that shame of everything we do is either trying to get external validation and approval or hide anything about us that might get a negative response, but it's also built on anxiety.
And then we all develop coping mechanisms to try to not feel that and to try to get the love that we want and desire and get our needs met. Now, in time, I came to see that nice guy syndrome not only is built on that shame of everything we do is either trying to get external validation and approval or hide anything about us that might get a negative response, but it's also built on anxiety.
And then we all develop coping mechanisms to try to not feel that and to try to get the love that we want and desire and get our needs met. Now, in time, I came to see that nice guy syndrome not only is built on that shame of everything we do is either trying to get external validation and approval or hide anything about us that might get a negative response, but it's also built on anxiety.
The anxiety that I won't be good enough, that I'll get abandoned, that I won't be loved, that I won't get my needs met. So it's really two pillars behind nice guy syndrome, this shame and anxiety. And they really go hand in hand, they overlap. So everything we nice guys do really is about getting external validation.
The anxiety that I won't be good enough, that I'll get abandoned, that I won't be loved, that I won't get my needs met. So it's really two pillars behind nice guy syndrome, this shame and anxiety. And they really go hand in hand, they overlap. So everything we nice guys do really is about getting external validation.
The anxiety that I won't be good enough, that I'll get abandoned, that I won't be loved, that I won't get my needs met. So it's really two pillars behind nice guy syndrome, this shame and anxiety. And they really go hand in hand, they overlap. So everything we nice guys do really is about getting external validation.
you know making good enough grades making a good impression making enough money getting the promotion driving the right car being impressive whatever trying to get people to to think we're okay because internally we we don't believe we're okay Now, we may not go right now. I talk about no more Mr. Nice Guy. I found in time there's two types of nice guys.
you know making good enough grades making a good impression making enough money getting the promotion driving the right car being impressive whatever trying to get people to to think we're okay because internally we we don't believe we're okay Now, we may not go right now. I talk about no more Mr. Nice Guy. I found in time there's two types of nice guys.
you know making good enough grades making a good impression making enough money getting the promotion driving the right car being impressive whatever trying to get people to to think we're okay because internally we we don't believe we're okay Now, we may not go right now. I talk about no more Mr. Nice Guy. I found in time there's two types of nice guys.
One, and I thought they were all like me, what I call the I'm so good nice guy. You know, I'm so good. I do everything right. You know, everybody should be happy with me.
One, and I thought they were all like me, what I call the I'm so good nice guy. You know, I'm so good. I do everything right. You know, everybody should be happy with me.
One, and I thought they were all like me, what I call the I'm so good nice guy. You know, I'm so good. I do everything right. You know, everybody should be happy with me.
um but my shame is just it's just buried deeper in a more you know locked box dark container inside the second kind of nice guy is what i call the i'm so bad nice guy this is the guy that probably you know struggled in school started doing drugs at an early age you know got kicked out of school kicked out of the house you know was you know always in trouble for something and then at some point in their life you know found religion
um but my shame is just it's just buried deeper in a more you know locked box dark container inside the second kind of nice guy is what i call the i'm so bad nice guy this is the guy that probably you know struggled in school started doing drugs at an early age you know got kicked out of school kicked out of the house you know was you know always in trouble for something and then at some point in their life you know found religion
um but my shame is just it's just buried deeper in a more you know locked box dark container inside the second kind of nice guy is what i call the i'm so bad nice guy this is the guy that probably you know struggled in school started doing drugs at an early age you know got kicked out of school kicked out of the house you know was you know always in trouble for something and then at some point in their life you know found religion
you know, got married or had a baby or got in the military, something kind of straightened them out. And now they're trying their best to be a nice guy, but there's their, but their shame's right up next to the surface. Oh, it's only a matter of time to people find out I'm a fuck up. I'm not good enough. There's something wrong with me. So I'm so good. Nice guys. The shame's buried. I'm so bad.
you know, got married or had a baby or got in the military, something kind of straightened them out. And now they're trying their best to be a nice guy, but there's their, but their shame's right up next to the surface. Oh, it's only a matter of time to people find out I'm a fuck up. I'm not good enough. There's something wrong with me. So I'm so good. Nice guys. The shame's buried. I'm so bad.
you know, got married or had a baby or got in the military, something kind of straightened them out. And now they're trying their best to be a nice guy, but there's their, but their shame's right up next to the surface. Oh, it's only a matter of time to people find out I'm a fuck up. I'm not good enough. There's something wrong with me. So I'm so good. Nice guys. The shame's buried. I'm so bad.
Nice guy is right next to the surface, but both operate in the same way. And that isn't seeking validation. Now, Let me kind of come back to this, but come back from kind of a side way. Okay. I've been saying to a man for quite some time. Again, I'm a relationship expert, I guess. I earned a PhD in marriage and family therapy at 29 years old.
Nice guy is right next to the surface, but both operate in the same way. And that isn't seeking validation. Now, Let me kind of come back to this, but come back from kind of a side way. Okay. I've been saying to a man for quite some time. Again, I'm a relationship expert, I guess. I earned a PhD in marriage and family therapy at 29 years old.
Nice guy is right next to the surface, but both operate in the same way. And that isn't seeking validation. Now, Let me kind of come back to this, but come back from kind of a side way. Okay. I've been saying to a man for quite some time. Again, I'm a relationship expert, I guess. I earned a PhD in marriage and family therapy at 29 years old.
So I've been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years and teaching guys about dating for almost 20. So two things I tell guys. Number one. lifelong pair-bonded relationships with the opposite sex are not natural or normal or in the human DNA. We've only been trying to do those for less than 10,000 years. For about 2 million, 2.5 million years, we were tribal.
So I've been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years and teaching guys about dating for almost 20. So two things I tell guys. Number one. lifelong pair-bonded relationships with the opposite sex are not natural or normal or in the human DNA. We've only been trying to do those for less than 10,000 years. For about 2 million, 2.5 million years, we were tribal.
So I've been a marriage and family therapist for over 30 years and teaching guys about dating for almost 20. So two things I tell guys. Number one. lifelong pair-bonded relationships with the opposite sex are not natural or normal or in the human DNA. We've only been trying to do those for less than 10,000 years. For about 2 million, 2.5 million years, we were tribal.
Everything was shared, including sexual access. People did not pair bond. And so trying to do this thing that culture says, find the right woman for you, fall in love, get married, be happy every after, it is a part of it. It's a fucking fairy tale. It's not in human DNA. Now, I say if we do this consciously, relationships can be a powerful personal growth machine. They can really grow us.
Everything was shared, including sexual access. People did not pair bond. And so trying to do this thing that culture says, find the right woman for you, fall in love, get married, be happy every after, it is a part of it. It's a fucking fairy tale. It's not in human DNA. Now, I say if we do this consciously, relationships can be a powerful personal growth machine. They can really grow us.
Everything was shared, including sexual access. People did not pair bond. And so trying to do this thing that culture says, find the right woman for you, fall in love, get married, be happy every after, it is a part of it. It's a fucking fairy tale. It's not in human DNA. Now, I say if we do this consciously, relationships can be a powerful personal growth machine. They can really grow us.
The other thing that I say is that dating is not in our human DNA. In fact, dating... has probably only existed in Western culture at most 100, 150 years. Eastern culture, I still talk to men from India today that their families still arrange their marriages. They don't date. That's why when Indian men come to America, they really are lost. I work with a lot of Asian men, and they're lost.
The other thing that I say is that dating is not in our human DNA. In fact, dating... has probably only existed in Western culture at most 100, 150 years. Eastern culture, I still talk to men from India today that their families still arrange their marriages. They don't date. That's why when Indian men come to America, they really are lost. I work with a lot of Asian men, and they're lost.
The other thing that I say is that dating is not in our human DNA. In fact, dating... has probably only existed in Western culture at most 100, 150 years. Eastern culture, I still talk to men from India today that their families still arrange their marriages. They don't date. That's why when Indian men come to America, they really are lost. I work with a lot of Asian men, and they're lost.
But even those of us that grew up in Western culture, Europe, U.S., dating's not in our DNA. I read somewhere a while back that Shakespeare, 200 years ago, wrote Romeo and Juliet to point out the stupidity of romantic love. We love each other so much, let's kill ourselves. But our grandparents... That was a tough breakup they had, Romeo and Juliet. That was a bad breakup. Yeah.
But even those of us that grew up in Western culture, Europe, U.S., dating's not in our DNA. I read somewhere a while back that Shakespeare, 200 years ago, wrote Romeo and Juliet to point out the stupidity of romantic love. We love each other so much, let's kill ourselves. But our grandparents... That was a tough breakup they had, Romeo and Juliet. That was a bad breakup. Yeah.
But even those of us that grew up in Western culture, Europe, U.S., dating's not in our DNA. I read somewhere a while back that Shakespeare, 200 years ago, wrote Romeo and Juliet to point out the stupidity of romantic love. We love each other so much, let's kill ourselves. But our grandparents... That was a tough breakup they had, Romeo and Juliet. That was a bad breakup. Yeah.
But even our grandparents, so if we go back 60, 70, 80, 100 years, you know, either, you know, married a cousin, married, you know, the girl next door, married their brother or sister's best friend. My wife grew up here in Guadalajara, Mexico, and she's eight out of 10 kids. Two of her brothers married two of her best friends.
But even our grandparents, so if we go back 60, 70, 80, 100 years, you know, either, you know, married a cousin, married, you know, the girl next door, married their brother or sister's best friend. My wife grew up here in Guadalajara, Mexico, and she's eight out of 10 kids. Two of her brothers married two of her best friends.
But even our grandparents, so if we go back 60, 70, 80, 100 years, you know, either, you know, married a cousin, married, you know, the girl next door, married their brother or sister's best friend. My wife grew up here in Guadalajara, Mexico, and she's eight out of 10 kids. Two of her brothers married two of her best friends.
You know, so that's how historically, you know, for the last 100 years, we call that historical. That's how dating works now. with what I call pickup culture and hookup culture. You know, we got apps, we can swipe right. You know, we've got dating boot camps. We've got, you know, seems like every woman on the planet is single these days. Excuse me.
You know, so that's how historically, you know, for the last 100 years, we call that historical. That's how dating works now. with what I call pickup culture and hookup culture. You know, we got apps, we can swipe right. You know, we've got dating boot camps. We've got, you know, seems like every woman on the planet is single these days. Excuse me.
You know, so that's how historically, you know, for the last 100 years, we call that historical. That's how dating works now. with what I call pickup culture and hookup culture. You know, we got apps, we can swipe right. You know, we've got dating boot camps. We've got, you know, seems like every woman on the planet is single these days. Excuse me.
I had COVID a couple of weeks ago and still recovering a little bit of aspects of it. I'm glad you're feeling better. For the second time. It's always better the second time around, right? No, it was actually worse than the first time. Oh, sorry. So the thing is, so Lifelong pair bonded relationships aren't normal and natural. Dating isn't normal and natural.
I had COVID a couple of weeks ago and still recovering a little bit of aspects of it. I'm glad you're feeling better. For the second time. It's always better the second time around, right? No, it was actually worse than the first time. Oh, sorry. So the thing is, so Lifelong pair bonded relationships aren't normal and natural. Dating isn't normal and natural.
I had COVID a couple of weeks ago and still recovering a little bit of aspects of it. I'm glad you're feeling better. For the second time. It's always better the second time around, right? No, it was actually worse than the first time. Oh, sorry. So the thing is, so Lifelong pair bonded relationships aren't normal and natural. Dating isn't normal and natural.
But the way things are laid out nowadays, if we men want companionship, if we want a partner, and if we want to get laid, we got to do something that's not a natural thing to do. And that is we have to learn how to interact with women, which, you know, It makes sense from a logical point of view that if we want to get a girlfriend or get a woman naked with us, we have to get her to approve of us.
But the way things are laid out nowadays, if we men want companionship, if we want a partner, and if we want to get laid, we got to do something that's not a natural thing to do. And that is we have to learn how to interact with women, which, you know, It makes sense from a logical point of view that if we want to get a girlfriend or get a woman naked with us, we have to get her to approve of us.
But the way things are laid out nowadays, if we men want companionship, if we want a partner, and if we want to get laid, we got to do something that's not a natural thing to do. And that is we have to learn how to interact with women, which, you know, It makes sense from a logical point of view that if we want to get a girlfriend or get a woman naked with us, we have to get her to approve of us.
So that's typically why we go seeking their approval. But it's even bigger than that. Kind of the golden rule among men is don't piss off the woman. That doesn't mean that means it's not your mother, you know, your female boss. We men, culturally, have just been conditioned. Don't piss off women. They'll go on social media. They'll call you out. They'll hashtag me to you. They'll be mean to you.
So that's typically why we go seeking their approval. But it's even bigger than that. Kind of the golden rule among men is don't piss off the woman. That doesn't mean that means it's not your mother, you know, your female boss. We men, culturally, have just been conditioned. Don't piss off women. They'll go on social media. They'll call you out. They'll hashtag me to you. They'll be mean to you.
So that's typically why we go seeking their approval. But it's even bigger than that. Kind of the golden rule among men is don't piss off the woman. That doesn't mean that means it's not your mother, you know, your female boss. We men, culturally, have just been conditioned. Don't piss off women. They'll go on social media. They'll call you out. They'll hashtag me to you. They'll be mean to you.
So we're all out there trying to please women and trying to get their approval. But unfortunately, that is the worst possible way to date that I can think of. Because all of a sudden, you hear in a lot of the pickup and red pill communities about alpha and beta stuff. And I speak at red pill conferences. I have red pill friends. But they'll talk about being alpha.
So we're all out there trying to please women and trying to get their approval. But unfortunately, that is the worst possible way to date that I can think of. Because all of a sudden, you hear in a lot of the pickup and red pill communities about alpha and beta stuff. And I speak at red pill conferences. I have red pill friends. But they'll talk about being alpha.
So we're all out there trying to please women and trying to get their approval. But unfortunately, that is the worst possible way to date that I can think of. Because all of a sudden, you hear in a lot of the pickup and red pill communities about alpha and beta stuff. And I speak at red pill conferences. I have red pill friends. But they'll talk about being alpha.
But the problem is, if you go seeking a woman's approval in any way whatsoever, you are automatically the beta. She's the alpha. She has all the power. She's the decider. And she knows it because every other guy seeking her approval as well. So she gets to decide who or what, you know, she goes with or what she does. So seeking a woman's approval always makes you the supplicant.
But the problem is, if you go seeking a woman's approval in any way whatsoever, you are automatically the beta. She's the alpha. She has all the power. She's the decider. And she knows it because every other guy seeking her approval as well. So she gets to decide who or what, you know, she goes with or what she does. So seeking a woman's approval always makes you the supplicant.
But the problem is, if you go seeking a woman's approval in any way whatsoever, you are automatically the beta. She's the alpha. She has all the power. She's the decider. And she knows it because every other guy seeking her approval as well. So she gets to decide who or what, you know, she goes with or what she does. So seeking a woman's approval always makes you the supplicant.
It makes you one down. It makes you, makes her the decider and you, you just accept whether, you know, whatever comes along. So that's, This approach of trying to get women's approval, whether it be in a dating situation or for guys that are in a relationship or married, seeking a woman's approval is the absolute worst thing we men can do in terms of healthy relationship dynamics.
It makes you one down. It makes you, makes her the decider and you, you just accept whether, you know, whatever comes along. So that's, This approach of trying to get women's approval, whether it be in a dating situation or for guys that are in a relationship or married, seeking a woman's approval is the absolute worst thing we men can do in terms of healthy relationship dynamics.
It makes you one down. It makes you, makes her the decider and you, you just accept whether, you know, whatever comes along. So that's, This approach of trying to get women's approval, whether it be in a dating situation or for guys that are in a relationship or married, seeking a woman's approval is the absolute worst thing we men can do in terms of healthy relationship dynamics.
Going back to our tribal ancestors. Women by nature are security-seeking creatures. They outperform. They get more degrees than men. They get higher paying jobs than men nowadays. I mean, they can take care of themselves. They can open their own car door. They can buy their own car. They don't need a man. They really don't. The whole Gloria Steinem, women need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
Going back to our tribal ancestors. Women by nature are security-seeking creatures. They outperform. They get more degrees than men. They get higher paying jobs than men nowadays. I mean, they can take care of themselves. They can open their own car door. They can buy their own car. They don't need a man. They really don't. The whole Gloria Steinem, women need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
Going back to our tribal ancestors. Women by nature are security-seeking creatures. They outperform. They get more degrees than men. They get higher paying jobs than men nowadays. I mean, they can take care of themselves. They can open their own car door. They can buy their own car. They don't need a man. They really don't. The whole Gloria Steinem, women need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
She went on and married a very wealthy man after she said that, by the way. I didn't know that. So they don't really need us, but they are wired to see us as their protector and provider, even if they don't need us to protect and provide. Now, even with that said, I've seen studies that the highest performing women, the women that are out there, high paying jobs, making the most money.
She went on and married a very wealthy man after she said that, by the way. I didn't know that. So they don't really need us, but they are wired to see us as their protector and provider, even if they don't need us to protect and provide. Now, even with that said, I've seen studies that the highest performing women, the women that are out there, high paying jobs, making the most money.
She went on and married a very wealthy man after she said that, by the way. I didn't know that. So they don't really need us, but they are wired to see us as their protector and provider, even if they don't need us to protect and provide. Now, even with that said, I've seen studies that the highest performing women, the women that are out there, high paying jobs, making the most money.
can't get boyfriends because they all want a guy that is performing as high as they are. And nowadays, a lot of guys aren't. And so even the high-performing women still want a high-performing guy, right? Still, they want that security system. So if our female ancestors look to the tribal men who were warriors, who were hunters, who were fierce, who were competent, right? who are masterful, right?
can't get boyfriends because they all want a guy that is performing as high as they are. And nowadays, a lot of guys aren't. And so even the high-performing women still want a high-performing guy, right? Still, they want that security system. So if our female ancestors look to the tribal men who were warriors, who were hunters, who were fierce, who were competent, right? who are masterful, right?
can't get boyfriends because they all want a guy that is performing as high as they are. And nowadays, a lot of guys aren't. And so even the high-performing women still want a high-performing guy, right? Still, they want that security system. So if our female ancestors look to the tribal men who were warriors, who were hunters, who were fierce, who were competent, right? who are masterful, right?
If they look to them for a sense of security, and that's wired into DNA, that's wired into who we are from a gender perspective. They want to be safe. They want to feel safe, bottom line. Hashtag Me Too was all about, I don't feel safe. That's what hashtag Me Too was. And then, but, you know, if we say nowadays, well, women don't feel safe, it's in their DNA.
If they look to them for a sense of security, and that's wired into DNA, that's wired into who we are from a gender perspective. They want to be safe. They want to feel safe, bottom line. Hashtag Me Too was all about, I don't feel safe. That's what hashtag Me Too was. And then, but, you know, if we say nowadays, well, women don't feel safe, it's in their DNA.
If they look to them for a sense of security, and that's wired into DNA, that's wired into who we are from a gender perspective. They want to be safe. They want to feel safe, bottom line. Hashtag Me Too was all about, I don't feel safe. That's what hashtag Me Too was. And then, but, you know, if we say nowadays, well, women don't feel safe, it's in their DNA.
They'll go, oh, you're being dismissive. You know, you're being gender stereotyped. But hashtag me too wouldn't exist if women felt safe. And yeah, that's partly our fault. That's partly just wired into the feminine gender. They don't feel safe. Now, again, they can do everything under the sun to have a good life and make a lot of money. But
They'll go, oh, you're being dismissive. You know, you're being gender stereotyped. But hashtag me too wouldn't exist if women felt safe. And yeah, that's partly our fault. That's partly just wired into the feminine gender. They don't feel safe. Now, again, they can do everything under the sun to have a good life and make a lot of money. But
They'll go, oh, you're being dismissive. You know, you're being gender stereotyped. But hashtag me too wouldn't exist if women felt safe. And yeah, that's partly our fault. That's partly just wired into the feminine gender. They don't feel safe. Now, again, they can do everything under the sun to have a good life and make a lot of money. But
When we approach a woman trying to get her approval, like I said, now we're the beta. She's the alpha. She's the stronger of the two. She's the decider. That's not going to turn her on.
When we approach a woman trying to get her approval, like I said, now we're the beta. She's the alpha. She's the stronger of the two. She's the decider. That's not going to turn her on.
When we approach a woman trying to get her approval, like I said, now we're the beta. She's the alpha. She's the stronger of the two. She's the decider. That's not going to turn her on.
And if we do anything that shows a little bit of strength, a little bit of fierceness, a little bit of wildness, as my coach and David Davis said, a little bit of your wild man, a little bit of your killer, the woman kind of goes, ooh. It gives me chills.
And if we do anything that shows a little bit of strength, a little bit of fierceness, a little bit of wildness, as my coach and David Davis said, a little bit of your wild man, a little bit of your killer, the woman kind of goes, ooh. It gives me chills.
And if we do anything that shows a little bit of strength, a little bit of fierceness, a little bit of wildness, as my coach and David Davis said, a little bit of your wild man, a little bit of your killer, the woman kind of goes, ooh. It gives me chills.
That guy could kill the spider. And even though they don't want us to pull their hair and drag them into the cave, they do want to know we've got a strength and a fierceness about it. My second wife used to say to me, I wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy when I was married to this woman, and she was hell on wheels. I loved her, but she was crazy. And she used to say to me,
That guy could kill the spider. And even though they don't want us to pull their hair and drag them into the cave, they do want to know we've got a strength and a fierceness about it. My second wife used to say to me, I wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy when I was married to this woman, and she was hell on wheels. I loved her, but she was crazy. And she used to say to me,
That guy could kill the spider. And even though they don't want us to pull their hair and drag them into the cave, they do want to know we've got a strength and a fierceness about it. My second wife used to say to me, I wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy when I was married to this woman, and she was hell on wheels. I loved her, but she was crazy. And she used to say to me,
how do i know i should say if you can't stand up to me how will i ever know you could stand up for me right and that's profound and she was right and that was such a great message if i'm if i'm quaking and bacon and you know fancy footwork trying to make her happy and avoid conflict and not upset her and she's watching all this women aren't stupid they're watching when we're these placating little boys trying to get their approval and and if they're going if they're going
how do i know i should say if you can't stand up to me how will i ever know you could stand up for me right and that's profound and she was right and that was such a great message if i'm if i'm quaking and bacon and you know fancy footwork trying to make her happy and avoid conflict and not upset her and she's watching all this women aren't stupid they're watching when we're these placating little boys trying to get their approval and and if they're going if they're going
how do i know i should say if you can't stand up to me how will i ever know you could stand up for me right and that's profound and she was right and that was such a great message if i'm if i'm quaking and bacon and you know fancy footwork trying to make her happy and avoid conflict and not upset her and she's watching all this women aren't stupid they're watching when we're these placating little boys trying to get their approval and and if they're going if they're going
This guy's a wuss. You know, if he's just letting me get away with everything, who's going to actually protect me when there's something that's a real threat here? So anything we do that shows any kind of strength. Now, again, I don't teach guys to be asses and I don't think you do either. But telling a woman I'm bored of this conversation is authentic.
This guy's a wuss. You know, if he's just letting me get away with everything, who's going to actually protect me when there's something that's a real threat here? So anything we do that shows any kind of strength. Now, again, I don't teach guys to be asses and I don't think you do either. But telling a woman I'm bored of this conversation is authentic.
This guy's a wuss. You know, if he's just letting me get away with everything, who's going to actually protect me when there's something that's a real threat here? So anything we do that shows any kind of strength. Now, again, I don't teach guys to be asses and I don't think you do either. But telling a woman I'm bored of this conversation is authentic.
And it takes strength and backbone and balls to be authentic. When you were telling that shoe story, I was smiling because I took a woman out and we dated for a while. I think it was first date, first, second date. I remember walking along a lakefront. It was a nice summer day. And she started telling a shoe story.
And it takes strength and backbone and balls to be authentic. When you were telling that shoe story, I was smiling because I took a woman out and we dated for a while. I think it was first date, first, second date. I remember walking along a lakefront. It was a nice summer day. And she started telling a shoe story.
And it takes strength and backbone and balls to be authentic. When you were telling that shoe story, I was smiling because I took a woman out and we dated for a while. I think it was first date, first, second date. I remember walking along a lakefront. It was a nice summer day. And she started telling a shoe story.
And I think she was telling me where like her and her sister went to these shoe parties where, you know, they bring shoes and women all drink martinis and try on shoes. And I go, oh, shoe shopping is women's porn. And she just thought she just froze, looked at me and got this steely eye in her, you know, look at her face. And she said, you get it. You get, you understand. Yeah.
And I think she was telling me where like her and her sister went to these shoe parties where, you know, they bring shoes and women all drink martinis and try on shoes. And I go, oh, shoe shopping is women's porn. And she just thought she just froze, looked at me and got this steely eye in her, you know, look at her face. And she said, you get it. You get, you understand. Yeah.
And I think she was telling me where like her and her sister went to these shoe parties where, you know, they bring shoes and women all drink martinis and try on shoes. And I go, oh, shoe shopping is women's porn. And she just thought she just froze, looked at me and got this steely eye in her, you know, look at her face. And she said, you get it. You get, you understand. Yeah.
Shoe shopping is porn for us women. And she goes, I like you, you get it. So, you know, anything just about being yourself, whether you say I'm bored with this story about you going shoe shopping, or you say something like, Oh, for women, shoe shopping is, is, you know, it's women's porn. Um, you know, being you and just not holding anything back.
Shoe shopping is porn for us women. And she goes, I like you, you get it. So, you know, anything just about being yourself, whether you say I'm bored with this story about you going shoe shopping, or you say something like, Oh, for women, shoe shopping is, is, you know, it's women's porn. Um, you know, being you and just not holding anything back.
Shoe shopping is porn for us women. And she goes, I like you, you get it. So, you know, anything just about being yourself, whether you say I'm bored with this story about you going shoe shopping, or you say something like, Oh, for women, shoe shopping is, is, you know, it's women's porn. Um, you know, being you and just not holding anything back.
I'll tell you another quick story because it involved a date kind of in the same location with another woman. Um, And then I also dated for a while. And I remember we went and got a little bite to eat at a happy hour. And then we were going to go walk along the same lake. And she had to go use the restroom. So she went to the restroom and walked back.
I'll tell you another quick story because it involved a date kind of in the same location with another woman. Um, And then I also dated for a while. And I remember we went and got a little bite to eat at a happy hour. And then we were going to go walk along the same lake. And she had to go use the restroom. So she went to the restroom and walked back.
I'll tell you another quick story because it involved a date kind of in the same location with another woman. Um, And then I also dated for a while. And I remember we went and got a little bite to eat at a happy hour. And then we were going to go walk along the same lake. And she had to go use the restroom. So she went to the restroom and walked back.
And I said, okay, I'm going to go hit the restroom too. And we'll go walking. And I just said, by the way, I really enjoyed watching you walk away from me.
And I said, okay, I'm going to go hit the restroom too. And we'll go walking. And I just said, by the way, I really enjoyed watching you walk away from me.
And I said, okay, I'm going to go hit the restroom too. And we'll go walking. And I just said, by the way, I really enjoyed watching you walk away from me.
And as soon as I said it, I thought, oh, you know, fuck, you know, I'm blowing it. You know, she was a smart lady, you know, Alzheimer research, research, a local university. You know, I thought, oh, you know, I probably blew it, but I'm just being me. I enjoyed watching her walk away. You know, I was looking at her ass. I mean, that's obviously what I said.
And as soon as I said it, I thought, oh, you know, fuck, you know, I'm blowing it. You know, she was a smart lady, you know, Alzheimer research, research, a local university. You know, I thought, oh, you know, I probably blew it, but I'm just being me. I enjoyed watching her walk away. You know, I was looking at her ass. I mean, that's obviously what I said.
And as soon as I said it, I thought, oh, you know, fuck, you know, I'm blowing it. You know, she was a smart lady, you know, Alzheimer research, research, a local university. You know, I thought, oh, you know, I probably blew it, but I'm just being me. I enjoyed watching her walk away. You know, I was looking at her ass. I mean, that's obviously what I said.
So anyway, you know, we broke up after about three or four months and, and, um, and then but we say friends and she told me one time she said do you remember like first second date you made that comment how you enjoyed watching me walk away from you i said yeah i said i thought i'd blown it she goes turned me on i loved hell yeah
So anyway, you know, we broke up after about three or four months and, and, um, and then but we say friends and she told me one time she said do you remember like first second date you made that comment how you enjoyed watching me walk away from you i said yeah i said i thought i'd blown it she goes turned me on i loved hell yeah
So anyway, you know, we broke up after about three or four months and, and, um, and then but we say friends and she told me one time she said do you remember like first second date you made that comment how you enjoyed watching me walk away from you i said yeah i said i thought i'd blown it she goes turned me on i loved hell yeah
Be authentic. Be you. If you're trying to please her, get her approval, say the right thing. You're boring. You're dull. There's nothing fierce about you. But if you will just be you and guys will tell me all the time, well, being me doesn't seem to really turn women on.
Be authentic. Be you. If you're trying to please her, get her approval, say the right thing. You're boring. You're dull. There's nothing fierce about you. But if you will just be you and guys will tell me all the time, well, being me doesn't seem to really turn women on.
Be authentic. Be you. If you're trying to please her, get her approval, say the right thing. You're boring. You're dull. There's nothing fierce about you. But if you will just be you and guys will tell me all the time, well, being me doesn't seem to really turn women on.
And I go, when was the last time any woman really saw you really saw the you that you are that maybe you don't even let yourself see because you're trying so hard to, you know, be good and get it right. And, you know, yeah. Yeah. Let them see the real you.
And I go, when was the last time any woman really saw you really saw the you that you are that maybe you don't even let yourself see because you're trying so hard to, you know, be good and get it right. And, you know, yeah. Yeah. Let them see the real you.
And I go, when was the last time any woman really saw you really saw the you that you are that maybe you don't even let yourself see because you're trying so hard to, you know, be good and get it right. And, you know, yeah. Yeah. Let them see the real you.
Well, yeah, because here's the deal. One of my core principles, I've got several core principles I teach men. One is be authentic, be yourself. Another one is be willing to get to rejection quickly. And that is find out quickly, is this woman a good match for you?
Well, yeah, because here's the deal. One of my core principles, I've got several core principles I teach men. One is be authentic, be yourself. Another one is be willing to get to rejection quickly. And that is find out quickly, is this woman a good match for you?
Well, yeah, because here's the deal. One of my core principles, I've got several core principles I teach men. One is be authentic, be yourself. Another one is be willing to get to rejection quickly. And that is find out quickly, is this woman a good match for you?
So if you have a certain sense of humor, if you have a certain lifestyle, you need to find out, does the woman like the you that you are? So my sense of humor is saying, I enjoyed watching you walk away from me or turning to a woman and say, oh, shoe shopping is women's porn. I'm as irreverent with women as I am on this call.
So if you have a certain sense of humor, if you have a certain lifestyle, you need to find out, does the woman like the you that you are? So my sense of humor is saying, I enjoyed watching you walk away from me or turning to a woman and say, oh, shoe shopping is women's porn. I'm as irreverent with women as I am on this call.
So if you have a certain sense of humor, if you have a certain lifestyle, you need to find out, does the woman like the you that you are? So my sense of humor is saying, I enjoyed watching you walk away from me or turning to a woman and say, oh, shoe shopping is women's porn. I'm as irreverent with women as I am on this call.
I'll swear and just say, I say whatever comes to the tip of my brain without much of a filter. And either a woman's going to really like that Or she's not. And you know what? I need to be okay. I need to be outcome agnostic. You know, if she likes it, great. Let's see where it goes from there. If she doesn't like it, great.
I'll swear and just say, I say whatever comes to the tip of my brain without much of a filter. And either a woman's going to really like that Or she's not. And you know what? I need to be okay. I need to be outcome agnostic. You know, if she likes it, great. Let's see where it goes from there. If she doesn't like it, great.
I'll swear and just say, I say whatever comes to the tip of my brain without much of a filter. And either a woman's going to really like that Or she's not. And you know what? I need to be okay. I need to be outcome agnostic. You know, if she likes it, great. Let's see where it goes from there. If she doesn't like it, great.
I found out quickly I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince a woman that my humor is funny. You know, if she doesn't get it, doesn't like it, you know, I'll give you another example. I, a woman taught me many years ago to always open a woman's door. I was dating this one woman.
I found out quickly I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince a woman that my humor is funny. You know, if she doesn't get it, doesn't like it, you know, I'll give you another example. I, a woman taught me many years ago to always open a woman's door. I was dating this one woman.
I found out quickly I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince a woman that my humor is funny. You know, if she doesn't get it, doesn't like it, you know, I'll give you another example. I, a woman taught me many years ago to always open a woman's door. I was dating this one woman.
She, she'd grown up in Europe and, and I actually was visiting her and we went to London and remember I was shopping and like went to Harrods and stuff like that. And, and she stopped me and she said, Robert, are you going to open my door for me or not? And I said, I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. She goes, because sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. I don't care.
She, she'd grown up in Europe and, and I actually was visiting her and we went to London and remember I was shopping and like went to Harrods and stuff like that. And, and she stopped me and she said, Robert, are you going to open my door for me or not? And I said, I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. She goes, because sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. I don't care.
She, she'd grown up in Europe and, and I actually was visiting her and we went to London and remember I was shopping and like went to Harrods and stuff like that. And, and she stopped me and she said, Robert, are you going to open my door for me or not? And I said, I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. She goes, because sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. I don't care.
Either way, just tell me. Are you going to open my door or not? And I go, I'll open your door for you. And since that day, I train every woman I'm with to wait for me to open their door. Getting out of the car, going into a building. I've trained my mother, my granddaughter, every woman. I love watching my 16-year-old stepson open his mother's door for her. And he does it for his girlfriend. So...
Either way, just tell me. Are you going to open my door or not? And I go, I'll open your door for you. And since that day, I train every woman I'm with to wait for me to open their door. Getting out of the car, going into a building. I've trained my mother, my granddaughter, every woman. I love watching my 16-year-old stepson open his mother's door for her. And he does it for his girlfriend. So...
Either way, just tell me. Are you going to open my door or not? And I go, I'll open your door for you. And since that day, I train every woman I'm with to wait for me to open their door. Getting out of the car, going into a building. I've trained my mother, my granddaughter, every woman. I love watching my 16-year-old stepson open his mother's door for her. And he does it for his girlfriend. So...
women can open their own damn door they don't need me to open the door but it just it it creates um a loving dominance it lets them kind of be the the princess the queen and and but here's the story i i went on a date with a woman and i met her on match.com and and she put that she salsa danced and at that time i was salsa dancing so all right that's something in common
women can open their own damn door they don't need me to open the door but it just it it creates um a loving dominance it lets them kind of be the the princess the queen and and but here's the story i i went on a date with a woman and i met her on match.com and and she put that she salsa danced and at that time i was salsa dancing so all right that's something in common
women can open their own damn door they don't need me to open the door but it just it it creates um a loving dominance it lets them kind of be the the princess the queen and and but here's the story i i went on a date with a woman and i met her on match.com and and she put that she salsa danced and at that time i was salsa dancing so all right that's something in common
So, we set up a date and I said, give me a place near where you live. She lived 45 minutes from me and I'll come meet you there. So, we met there and chatted a little bit and I was hungry and I said, let's go get something to eat. You want to come with me? You know a place nearby? She said, yeah. I said, okay, come with me. So, I was driving a Mercedes E-Class at that time.
So, we set up a date and I said, give me a place near where you live. She lived 45 minutes from me and I'll come meet you there. So, we met there and chatted a little bit and I was hungry and I said, let's go get something to eat. You want to come with me? You know a place nearby? She said, yeah. I said, okay, come with me. So, I was driving a Mercedes E-Class at that time.
So, we set up a date and I said, give me a place near where you live. She lived 45 minutes from me and I'll come meet you there. So, we met there and chatted a little bit and I was hungry and I said, let's go get something to eat. You want to come with me? You know a place nearby? She said, yeah. I said, okay, come with me. So, I was driving a Mercedes E-Class at that time.
So, I opened the door and put her in and we drove just a few blocks and there's a diner. So, We pulled up, and what I typically do is I tap the woman on top of her leg, and I say, wait for me. I'll come open your door. They always do, right? I often have to remind them. It takes women a little while to get in the habit of a man opening their door.
So, I opened the door and put her in and we drove just a few blocks and there's a diner. So, We pulled up, and what I typically do is I tap the woman on top of her leg, and I say, wait for me. I'll come open your door. They always do, right? I often have to remind them. It takes women a little while to get in the habit of a man opening their door.
So, I opened the door and put her in and we drove just a few blocks and there's a diner. So, We pulled up, and what I typically do is I tap the woman on top of her leg, and I say, wait for me. I'll come open your door. They always do, right? I often have to remind them. It takes women a little while to get in the habit of a man opening their door.
As my mother said one time, if I was waiting for your dad to open my door, I'd still be waiting. He's been dead for 12 years. So- I tapped her on the legs and wait for me to open your door. And she hops out of the car and sprints to the front door of the diner and gets in the door of the diner even before I can get there.
As my mother said one time, if I was waiting for your dad to open my door, I'd still be waiting. He's been dead for 12 years. So- I tapped her on the legs and wait for me to open your door. And she hops out of the car and sprints to the front door of the diner and gets in the door of the diner even before I can get there.
As my mother said one time, if I was waiting for your dad to open my door, I'd still be waiting. He's been dead for 12 years. So- I tapped her on the legs and wait for me to open your door. And she hops out of the car and sprints to the front door of the diner and gets in the door of the diner even before I can get there.
And we sit down and she goes, I just need to tell you, I don't like to be controlled. And I go, I don't want to control you. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. She goes, I don't like men telling me what to do. And I go, well, I have no desire to tell you what to do. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. And we kind of talked about that a little bit.
And we sit down and she goes, I just need to tell you, I don't like to be controlled. And I go, I don't want to control you. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. She goes, I don't like men telling me what to do. And I go, well, I have no desire to tell you what to do. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. And we kind of talked about that a little bit.
And we sit down and she goes, I just need to tell you, I don't like to be controlled. And I go, I don't want to control you. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. She goes, I don't like men telling me what to do. And I go, well, I have no desire to tell you what to do. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. And we kind of talked about that a little bit.
And so then we got a bite to eat and we're walking out. She bolts out the diner door before I can get to it and open it. But she has to wait at my car. I've got the key fob, right? So she waits. I open the door, put her in. Drive her back to her car. And, you know, again, before I even say a word, she jumps out. So I'm driving home thinking another one and done. Got to rejection quickly.
And so then we got a bite to eat and we're walking out. She bolts out the diner door before I can get to it and open it. But she has to wait at my car. I've got the key fob, right? So she waits. I open the door, put her in. Drive her back to her car. And, you know, again, before I even say a word, she jumps out. So I'm driving home thinking another one and done. Got to rejection quickly.
And so then we got a bite to eat and we're walking out. She bolts out the diner door before I can get to it and open it. But she has to wait at my car. I've got the key fob, right? So she waits. I open the door, put her in. Drive her back to her car. And, you know, again, before I even say a word, she jumps out. So I'm driving home thinking another one and done. Got to rejection quickly.
That's great. No problems. Next day, I get an email and she says, you know, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I'd really like to see you again. I just don't like to be told what to do or be controlled, blah, blah, blah. And I said, I don't want to control you. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. And I just held my frame, you know, good, good dance, right? Held my frame.
That's great. No problems. Next day, I get an email and she says, you know, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I'd really like to see you again. I just don't like to be told what to do or be controlled, blah, blah, blah. And I said, I don't want to control you. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. And I just held my frame, you know, good, good dance, right? Held my frame.
That's great. No problems. Next day, I get an email and she says, you know, I think we got off on the wrong foot. I'd really like to see you again. I just don't like to be told what to do or be controlled, blah, blah, blah. And I said, I don't want to control you. I said, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. And I just held my frame, you know, good, good dance, right? Held my frame.
So here's what I did. I'm going to try and experiment. I sent her an email. I said, okay, meet me at this restaurant at this day, at this time. We'll go get tapas, and then we'll go dancing just up the street at the local ballroom. She wrote back and said, great. So I'm already taking control of the whole thing, right? Tell her where we're going to meet, what time.
So here's what I did. I'm going to try and experiment. I sent her an email. I said, okay, meet me at this restaurant at this day, at this time. We'll go get tapas, and then we'll go dancing just up the street at the local ballroom. She wrote back and said, great. So I'm already taking control of the whole thing, right? Tell her where we're going to meet, what time.
So here's what I did. I'm going to try and experiment. I sent her an email. I said, okay, meet me at this restaurant at this day, at this time. We'll go get tapas, and then we'll go dancing just up the street at the local ballroom. She wrote back and said, great. So I'm already taking control of the whole thing, right? Tell her where we're going to meet, what time.
So then we go meet, and she says again. We're eating. She says, you know, I don't want to be controlled. I don't like men. I said, I get that, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. So when we go to leave the restaurant, she waits and I open her door and we walk up the street. We get to the ballroom and she waits.
So then we go meet, and she says again. We're eating. She says, you know, I don't want to be controlled. I don't like men. I said, I get that, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. So when we go to leave the restaurant, she waits and I open her door and we walk up the street. We get to the ballroom and she waits.
So then we go meet, and she says again. We're eating. She says, you know, I don't want to be controlled. I don't like men. I said, I get that, but if you hang out with me, I'll open your door. So when we go to leave the restaurant, she waits and I open her door and we walk up the street. We get to the ballroom and she waits.
I open her door and then I lead her around the dance floor for an hour or so. So I'm still, you know, leading and controlling, so to speak. Right. So I had to go to work. I had something early the next day. I said, you know, I got to take off. So I'll walk you back to your car. She was parked somewhere. So again, she waits. So I walk her back to her car and we get to her car.
I open her door and then I lead her around the dance floor for an hour or so. So I'm still, you know, leading and controlling, so to speak. Right. So I had to go to work. I had something early the next day. I said, you know, I got to take off. So I'll walk you back to your car. She was parked somewhere. So again, she waits. So I walk her back to her car and we get to her car.
I open her door and then I lead her around the dance floor for an hour or so. So I'm still, you know, leading and controlling, so to speak. Right. So I had to go to work. I had something early the next day. I said, you know, I got to take off. So I'll walk you back to your car. She was parked somewhere. So again, she waits. So I walk her back to her car and we get to her car.
And this is a Seattle city sidewalk street, busy place. And I go to tell her good night. She puts her arms around my neck, wraps one leg around my leg, starts dry humping my leg, and sticks her tongue down my throat. I go, I think it's about as far as we go on a city sidewalk. But so...
And this is a Seattle city sidewalk street, busy place. And I go to tell her good night. She puts her arms around my neck, wraps one leg around my leg, starts dry humping my leg, and sticks her tongue down my throat. I go, I think it's about as far as we go on a city sidewalk. But so...
And this is a Seattle city sidewalk street, busy place. And I go to tell her good night. She puts her arms around my neck, wraps one leg around my leg, starts dry humping my leg, and sticks her tongue down my throat. I go, I think it's about as far as we go on a city sidewalk. But so...
the the being willing to get to rejection quickly i didn't care if she wanted to keep seeing me or not but i was going to be me i was going to set the time i was going to open the door and her biology her dna took over of feeling safe and secure and trusting and it opened her to where you know she was a sexual aggressor in this situation and
the the being willing to get to rejection quickly i didn't care if she wanted to keep seeing me or not but i was going to be me i was going to set the time i was going to open the door and her biology her dna took over of feeling safe and secure and trusting and it opened her to where you know she was a sexual aggressor in this situation and
the the being willing to get to rejection quickly i didn't care if she wanted to keep seeing me or not but i was going to be me i was going to set the time i was going to open the door and her biology her dna took over of feeling safe and secure and trusting and it opened her to where you know she was a sexual aggressor in this situation and
So that's why I say, be you, you know, be authentic, be willing to get the rejection. And if you're trying to please a woman, if I was trying to please her, I would have quit. Okay. All right. I won't open your door. You know, I won't do that bad thing anymore that you don't like, you know, people doing for you. And so it's just the power of being you and, you know,
So that's why I say, be you, you know, be authentic, be willing to get the rejection. And if you're trying to please a woman, if I was trying to please her, I would have quit. Okay. All right. I won't open your door. You know, I won't do that bad thing anymore that you don't like, you know, people doing for you. And so it's just the power of being you and, you know,
So that's why I say, be you, you know, be authentic, be willing to get the rejection. And if you're trying to please a woman, if I was trying to please her, I would have quit. Okay. All right. I won't open your door. You know, I won't do that bad thing anymore that you don't like, you know, people doing for you. And so it's just the power of being you and, you know,
I think the earliest thing I tried to teach men that I learned really early on, because I like everybody else. I don't like getting rejected. But I came to the realization pretty quickly, it doesn't hurt. A woman I don't even know not giving me a phone number or not going on a date with me, that hurts me how? I didn't know her five minutes ago and she's not going to go on a date with me.
I think the earliest thing I tried to teach men that I learned really early on, because I like everybody else. I don't like getting rejected. But I came to the realization pretty quickly, it doesn't hurt. A woman I don't even know not giving me a phone number or not going on a date with me, that hurts me how? I didn't know her five minutes ago and she's not going to go on a date with me.
I think the earliest thing I tried to teach men that I learned really early on, because I like everybody else. I don't like getting rejected. But I came to the realization pretty quickly, it doesn't hurt. A woman I don't even know not giving me a phone number or not going on a date with me, that hurts me how? I didn't know her five minutes ago and she's not going to go on a date with me.
Why does that hurt? But we, we tend to, we tend to, that ties into our shame. Oh, there's something wrong with me. She can see I'm a loser. Every other woman is going to see the same thing. She turned me down. They're all going to turn me down. And, and we, we, we do our emotional spiral around that. So that, that does hurt that, that, that spiral, that shame spiral hurts. Rejection doesn't.
Why does that hurt? But we, we tend to, we tend to, that ties into our shame. Oh, there's something wrong with me. She can see I'm a loser. Every other woman is going to see the same thing. She turned me down. They're all going to turn me down. And, and we, we, we do our emotional spiral around that. So that, that does hurt that, that, that spiral, that shame spiral hurts. Rejection doesn't.
Why does that hurt? But we, we tend to, we tend to, that ties into our shame. Oh, there's something wrong with me. She can see I'm a loser. Every other woman is going to see the same thing. She turned me down. They're all going to turn me down. And, and we, we, we do our emotional spiral around that. So that, that does hurt that, that, that spiral, that shame spiral hurts. Rejection doesn't.
So we, A couple of things. I'll tell you a couple of things that I have men do. One is, yeah, go out and, you know, I'm not big into approach. I tell men walking across a room and starting a conversation with a woman just because you find her physically attractive is probably the worst reason to talk to a woman. You don't know a thing about her.
So we, A couple of things. I'll tell you a couple of things that I have men do. One is, yeah, go out and, you know, I'm not big into approach. I tell men walking across a room and starting a conversation with a woman just because you find her physically attractive is probably the worst reason to talk to a woman. You don't know a thing about her.
So we, A couple of things. I'll tell you a couple of things that I have men do. One is, yeah, go out and, you know, I'm not big into approach. I tell men walking across a room and starting a conversation with a woman just because you find her physically attractive is probably the worst reason to talk to a woman. You don't know a thing about her.
Just because she's physically attractive, that boosts your ego. Oh, if she was my girlfriend, I'd be so happy. You don't know her. She might be a total fucking bitch. She may be terrible in bed. She may have bad breath. She may laugh like a donkey. But she looks hot, so she'd be a great girlfriend. I know it. We're sure about that. So... What I tell guys to do is to, you know, escalate quickly.
Just because she's physically attractive, that boosts your ego. Oh, if she was my girlfriend, I'd be so happy. You don't know her. She might be a total fucking bitch. She may be terrible in bed. She may have bad breath. She may laugh like a donkey. But she looks hot, so she'd be a great girlfriend. I know it. We're sure about that. So... What I tell guys to do is to, you know, escalate quickly.
Just because she's physically attractive, that boosts your ego. Oh, if she was my girlfriend, I'd be so happy. You don't know her. She might be a total fucking bitch. She may be terrible in bed. She may have bad breath. She may laugh like a donkey. But she looks hot, so she'd be a great girlfriend. I know it. We're sure about that. So... What I tell guys to do is to, you know, escalate quickly.
You know, go out with some buddies and just for the fun of it, try to get three, five rejections in a night. Now, you can't be rude to the woman. You can't just piss her off to get rejected. But just, you know, walk up to her and say, hey, you know, my name's Robert. Saw you over here. I got to bounce, but I want to take you out. Give me your number. You know, just real direct. Tell her what to do.
You know, go out with some buddies and just for the fun of it, try to get three, five rejections in a night. Now, you can't be rude to the woman. You can't just piss her off to get rejected. But just, you know, walk up to her and say, hey, you know, my name's Robert. Saw you over here. I got to bounce, but I want to take you out. Give me your number. You know, just real direct. Tell her what to do.
You know, go out with some buddies and just for the fun of it, try to get three, five rejections in a night. Now, you can't be rude to the woman. You can't just piss her off to get rejected. But just, you know, walk up to her and say, hey, you know, my name's Robert. Saw you over here. I got to bounce, but I want to take you out. Give me your number. You know, just real direct. Tell her what to do.
I always tell guys, never ask, tell. Have your phone out. Say, give me your number. I want to take you out. And, you know, odds are she's going to say, I don't even know you. But I've gone out. I went out with a buddy one night trying to get five rejections. I couldn't get five in a night. I was talking to women that should not have been giving me numbers.
I always tell guys, never ask, tell. Have your phone out. Say, give me your number. I want to take you out. And, you know, odds are she's going to say, I don't even know you. But I've gone out. I went out with a buddy one night trying to get five rejections. I couldn't get five in a night. I was talking to women that should not have been giving me numbers.
I always tell guys, never ask, tell. Have your phone out. Say, give me your number. I want to take you out. And, you know, odds are she's going to say, I don't even know you. But I've gone out. I went out with a buddy one night trying to get five rejections. I couldn't get five in a night. I was talking to women that should not have been giving me numbers.
I went to a college music fest with a client of mine who's a jazz musician. And I'm sitting next to this, you know, college-age girl. I was probably...
I went to a college music fest with a client of mine who's a jazz musician. And I'm sitting next to this, you know, college-age girl. I was probably...
I went to a college music fest with a client of mine who's a jazz musician. And I'm sitting next to this, you know, college-age girl. I was probably...
50 i don't know you know and and i'm talking to her and i said you like jazz she goes yeah i say well yeah i know the piano player i said let's go listen to jazz sometimes she goes i'd love to so give me your number she gave it off and spelled her name for me get three or five rejections in a night by the time he gets to the second one he's usually kind of doing a pump fist and grabbing his crotch and doing a happy dance i did it i did it right it didn't kill me exactly it's the anticipation
50 i don't know you know and and i'm talking to her and i said you like jazz she goes yeah i say well yeah i know the piano player i said let's go listen to jazz sometimes she goes i'd love to so give me your number she gave it off and spelled her name for me get three or five rejections in a night by the time he gets to the second one he's usually kind of doing a pump fist and grabbing his crotch and doing a happy dance i did it i did it right it didn't kill me exactly it's the anticipation
50 i don't know you know and and i'm talking to her and i said you like jazz she goes yeah i say well yeah i know the piano player i said let's go listen to jazz sometimes she goes i'd love to so give me your number she gave it off and spelled her name for me get three or five rejections in a night by the time he gets to the second one he's usually kind of doing a pump fist and grabbing his crotch and doing a happy dance i did it i did it right it didn't kill me exactly it's the anticipation
that's what i've been afraid of for 38 years yeah it was nothing it was fine yeah so i love the and i found that when guys will go do that if if you go get that three or five rejections in a night it pretty much just kills your fear of rejection you realize that's it yeah that's all i was afraid of i just got no they're not going to give me a phone number but the thing is
that's what i've been afraid of for 38 years yeah it was nothing it was fine yeah so i love the and i found that when guys will go do that if if you go get that three or five rejections in a night it pretty much just kills your fear of rejection you realize that's it yeah that's all i was afraid of i just got no they're not going to give me a phone number but the thing is
that's what i've been afraid of for 38 years yeah it was nothing it was fine yeah so i love the and i found that when guys will go do that if if you go get that three or five rejections in a night it pretty much just kills your fear of rejection you realize that's it yeah that's all i was afraid of i just got no they're not going to give me a phone number but the thing is
going and trying to get rejected, you look confident as hell. I mean, you walk right up, you say, hey, I'm Robert. I want to take you out. Give me your phone number. That looks confident as hell. And women, I've been telling guys for years that because women are security-seeking creatures, confidence is just a major turn on. And I tell guys, if you interact with a woman confidently,
going and trying to get rejected, you look confident as hell. I mean, you walk right up, you say, hey, I'm Robert. I want to take you out. Give me your phone number. That looks confident as hell. And women, I've been telling guys for years that because women are security-seeking creatures, confidence is just a major turn on. And I tell guys, if you interact with a woman confidently,
going and trying to get rejected, you look confident as hell. I mean, you walk right up, you say, hey, I'm Robert. I want to take you out. Give me your phone number. That looks confident as hell. And women, I've been telling guys for years that because women are security-seeking creatures, confidence is just a major turn on. And I tell guys, if you interact with a woman confidently,
She will have the exact same brain chemicals releasing in her brain that you would have if she lifted her shirt and showed you her tits. You don't have to think, do I like that? No, you get aroused because it's wired into you. Again, it's evolution. It's wired into you.
She will have the exact same brain chemicals releasing in her brain that you would have if she lifted her shirt and showed you her tits. You don't have to think, do I like that? No, you get aroused because it's wired into you. Again, it's evolution. It's wired into you.
She will have the exact same brain chemicals releasing in her brain that you would have if she lifted her shirt and showed you her tits. You don't have to think, do I like that? No, you get aroused because it's wired into you. Again, it's evolution. It's wired into you.
It's wired into them that when a guy interacts confidently with them, they get that same tingle, that same arousal, that same buzz that we get when we see tits. So that trying to get rejected is actually a powerful tool because, as I said, I've gone out and couldn't get five rejections because I just came across as so confident the women wanted to give me their numbers.
It's wired into them that when a guy interacts confidently with them, they get that same tingle, that same arousal, that same buzz that we get when we see tits. So that trying to get rejected is actually a powerful tool because, as I said, I've gone out and couldn't get five rejections because I just came across as so confident the women wanted to give me their numbers.
It's wired into them that when a guy interacts confidently with them, they get that same tingle, that same arousal, that same buzz that we get when we see tits. So that trying to get rejected is actually a powerful tool because, as I said, I've gone out and couldn't get five rejections because I just came across as so confident the women wanted to give me their numbers.
I'm having a good time. And so are they. And that's really all women want is to have a good time with us. And we're having a good time. And, you know, Buddha said that attachment to outcomes, the cause of all suffering. So that thing, I want that woman to like me. I want that woman to give me a phone number. I want that woman to be my girlfriend. Well, that's just a recipe for suffering.
I'm having a good time. And so are they. And that's really all women want is to have a good time with us. And we're having a good time. And, you know, Buddha said that attachment to outcomes, the cause of all suffering. So that thing, I want that woman to like me. I want that woman to give me a phone number. I want that woman to be my girlfriend. Well, that's just a recipe for suffering.
I'm having a good time. And so are they. And that's really all women want is to have a good time with us. And we're having a good time. And, you know, Buddha said that attachment to outcomes, the cause of all suffering. So that thing, I want that woman to like me. I want that woman to give me a phone number. I want that woman to be my girlfriend. Well, that's just a recipe for suffering.
So if you are outcome agnostic, where you just go interact with people, have fun, be you. good things happen. And then, you know, again, not everybody's going to want to give us a number or go home with us or date us. That's okay. So just quickly, the other thing that I do in my workshops with guys, and I don't tell them ahead of time, the reason why we're doing it.
So if you are outcome agnostic, where you just go interact with people, have fun, be you. good things happen. And then, you know, again, not everybody's going to want to give us a number or go home with us or date us. That's okay. So just quickly, the other thing that I do in my workshops with guys, and I don't tell them ahead of time, the reason why we're doing it.
So if you are outcome agnostic, where you just go interact with people, have fun, be you. good things happen. And then, you know, again, not everybody's going to want to give us a number or go home with us or date us. That's okay. So just quickly, the other thing that I do in my workshops with guys, and I don't tell them ahead of time, the reason why we're doing it.
And I, and this little, little drill has many different applications that I use with nice guys, but I just pair everybody up to, you know, everybody's paired up with another guy. And again, Person A will decide who person A is for two minutes, has to say to person B, I want. I want to be happy. I want to make a million dollars. I want a bigger dick. I want world peace. I want whatever.
And I, and this little, little drill has many different applications that I use with nice guys, but I just pair everybody up to, you know, everybody's paired up with another guy. And again, Person A will decide who person A is for two minutes, has to say to person B, I want. I want to be happy. I want to make a million dollars. I want a bigger dick. I want world peace. I want whatever.
And I, and this little, little drill has many different applications that I use with nice guys, but I just pair everybody up to, you know, everybody's paired up with another guy. And again, Person A will decide who person A is for two minutes, has to say to person B, I want. I want to be happy. I want to make a million dollars. I want a bigger dick. I want world peace. I want whatever.
And person B has to say no to everything they say. I want to be happy. No. I want to make a million dollars. No. And so for two minutes, and then they switch and do it the other way. Now, just for two minutes of that, the guys will be laughing, having a good time. I have to holler over them, time, time, switch, we're done. And they're just laughing and having a good time.
And person B has to say no to everything they say. I want to be happy. No. I want to make a million dollars. No. And so for two minutes, and then they switch and do it the other way. Now, just for two minutes of that, the guys will be laughing, having a good time. I have to holler over them, time, time, switch, we're done. And they're just laughing and having a good time.
And person B has to say no to everything they say. I want to be happy. No. I want to make a million dollars. No. And so for two minutes, and then they switch and do it the other way. Now, just for two minutes of that, the guys will be laughing, having a good time. I have to holler over them, time, time, switch, we're done. And they're just laughing and having a good time.
And so we sit and make some applications. And I'll say...
And so we sit and make some applications. And I'll say...
And so we sit and make some applications. And I'll say...
you guys everybody says oh rejection hurts i said you just got rejected over and over again for two minutes and you were having fun and you were laughing and you're having a good time and i couldn't make you stop what's the difference and really the difference only is the context and the story we put on it this guy standing across from us telling us no for two minutes we don't create a story about it it's just it's just no it's just words it's just it's just a game it's just play
you guys everybody says oh rejection hurts i said you just got rejected over and over again for two minutes and you were having fun and you were laughing and you're having a good time and i couldn't make you stop what's the difference and really the difference only is the context and the story we put on it this guy standing across from us telling us no for two minutes we don't create a story about it it's just it's just no it's just words it's just it's just a game it's just play
you guys everybody says oh rejection hurts i said you just got rejected over and over again for two minutes and you were having fun and you were laughing and you're having a good time and i couldn't make you stop what's the difference and really the difference only is the context and the story we put on it this guy standing across from us telling us no for two minutes we don't create a story about it it's just it's just no it's just words it's just it's just a game it's just play
But when we're with a woman, because we're attached to outcome and we want her to like us to validate our low sense of self, we get attached to that. And then when she doesn't want to give us a number or go out with us, it hurts because of the story we put on it.
But when we're with a woman, because we're attached to outcome and we want her to like us to validate our low sense of self, we get attached to that. And then when she doesn't want to give us a number or go out with us, it hurts because of the story we put on it.
But when we're with a woman, because we're attached to outcome and we want her to like us to validate our low sense of self, we get attached to that. And then when she doesn't want to give us a number or go out with us, it hurts because of the story we put on it.
But what if we treated all of our interactions with women like that game we were doing with a buddy at a workshop of just anticipating no, going for, you know, go for no, go for rejection. And then, you know, and just laugh and have fun and have a good time. And you get a lot more yeses that way.
But what if we treated all of our interactions with women like that game we were doing with a buddy at a workshop of just anticipating no, going for, you know, go for no, go for rejection. And then, you know, and just laugh and have fun and have a good time. And you get a lot more yeses that way.
But what if we treated all of our interactions with women like that game we were doing with a buddy at a workshop of just anticipating no, going for, you know, go for no, go for rejection. And then, you know, and just laugh and have fun and have a good time. And you get a lot more yeses that way.
I'm going, I'm going to kiss you, you know, um, you know, I, I, one night I, I taught a, just an evening dating class at a local community college. And afterwards I said, I'm hungry. You guys want to go get a bite to eat? So about six or eight of us went to one of my favorite restaurants, a Ruth's Chris restaurant near where I live. And I knew all the waitstaff in there and the bartenders.
I'm going, I'm going to kiss you, you know, um, you know, I, I, one night I, I taught a, just an evening dating class at a local community college. And afterwards I said, I'm hungry. You guys want to go get a bite to eat? So about six or eight of us went to one of my favorite restaurants, a Ruth's Chris restaurant near where I live. And I knew all the waitstaff in there and the bartenders.
I'm going, I'm going to kiss you, you know, um, you know, I, I, one night I, I taught a, just an evening dating class at a local community college. And afterwards I said, I'm hungry. You guys want to go get a bite to eat? So about six or eight of us went to one of my favorite restaurants, a Ruth's Chris restaurant near where I live. And I knew all the waitstaff in there and the bartenders.
And there's one woman, Jessica, kind of a snarky woman, but I liked her. She's a good waitress. Comes by the table and said, Jessica, I got a question. I was asking this for the benefit of all the guys. And I said, yeah. Jessica, how do you like it when your boyfriend leaves all the decisions up to you and says, what do you want to do tonight? What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go?
And there's one woman, Jessica, kind of a snarky woman, but I liked her. She's a good waitress. Comes by the table and said, Jessica, I got a question. I was asking this for the benefit of all the guys. And I said, yeah. Jessica, how do you like it when your boyfriend leaves all the decisions up to you and says, what do you want to do tonight? What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go?
And there's one woman, Jessica, kind of a snarky woman, but I liked her. She's a good waitress. Comes by the table and said, Jessica, I got a question. I was asking this for the benefit of all the guys. And I said, yeah. Jessica, how do you like it when your boyfriend leaves all the decisions up to you and says, what do you want to do tonight? What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go?
And she just looked at me and says, I hate it. And they're like, what's your order? So after she left, I looked at the guys and said, they really do hate it when we leave those decisions up to them. We're making them the alpha again. And most women nowadays are alpha in so many parts of their life. They don't want to be alpha in their relationship. Now, they will. They can.
And she just looked at me and says, I hate it. And they're like, what's your order? So after she left, I looked at the guys and said, they really do hate it when we leave those decisions up to them. We're making them the alpha again. And most women nowadays are alpha in so many parts of their life. They don't want to be alpha in their relationship. Now, they will. They can.
And she just looked at me and says, I hate it. And they're like, what's your order? So after she left, I looked at the guys and said, they really do hate it when we leave those decisions up to them. We're making them the alpha again. And most women nowadays are alpha in so many parts of their life. They don't want to be alpha in their relationship. Now, they will. They can.
but they really prefer that they have a man that will set the tone and lead and not be controlling, not being an asshole, but say, hey, let's go do this. And they go, yeah, let's go do it. They don't have to make all the decisions. So with the whole thing, getting numbers, when I first started dating, that was like, you know, my biggest, like, I don't know, I don't know how to do this.
but they really prefer that they have a man that will set the tone and lead and not be controlling, not being an asshole, but say, hey, let's go do this. And they go, yeah, let's go do it. They don't have to make all the decisions. So with the whole thing, getting numbers, when I first started dating, that was like, you know, my biggest, like, I don't know, I don't know how to do this.
but they really prefer that they have a man that will set the tone and lead and not be controlling, not being an asshole, but say, hey, let's go do this. And they go, yeah, let's go do it. They don't have to make all the decisions. So with the whole thing, getting numbers, when I first started dating, that was like, you know, my biggest, like, I don't know, I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how you get numbers. And so like being the good scientist that I was, I just practiced getting numbers. And what I quickly found out is that, If you have your phone out, I remember back then I had a Razor phone, back when Razors were really cool, flip phone. You're looking like, I've never heard of that. I've heard of that. I'm old enough. Yeah.
I don't know how you get numbers. And so like being the good scientist that I was, I just practiced getting numbers. And what I quickly found out is that, If you have your phone out, I remember back then I had a Razor phone, back when Razors were really cool, flip phone. You're looking like, I've never heard of that. I've heard of that. I'm old enough. Yeah.
I don't know how you get numbers. And so like being the good scientist that I was, I just practiced getting numbers. And what I quickly found out is that, If you have your phone out, I remember back then I had a Razor phone, back when Razors were really cool, flip phone. You're looking like, I've never heard of that. I've heard of that. I'm old enough. Yeah.
So, so I'd have it out on the, you know, on the bar next to me or whatever. And I usually eat my meals at happy hours. I just talk to people around me and, you know, one says, is that a razor? And you go, yeah, yeah. And I said, Hey, you know, give me your number. I'm going to, I'm going to send you a message. I'll call you later. I'm going to take you out later on this week.
So, so I'd have it out on the, you know, on the bar next to me or whatever. And I usually eat my meals at happy hours. I just talk to people around me and, you know, one says, is that a razor? And you go, yeah, yeah. And I said, Hey, you know, give me your number. I'm going to, I'm going to send you a message. I'll call you later. I'm going to take you out later on this week.
So, so I'd have it out on the, you know, on the bar next to me or whatever. And I usually eat my meals at happy hours. I just talk to people around me and, you know, one says, is that a razor? And you go, yeah, yeah. And I said, Hey, you know, give me your number. I'm going to, I'm going to send you a message. I'll call you later. I'm going to take you out later on this week.
And so, you know, I'd already had my phone out. So I'll always have your phone out. And so whenever I go for a number, I have the phone out now, you know, for several years, had an iPhone, um,
And so, you know, I'd already had my phone out. So I'll always have your phone out. And so whenever I go for a number, I have the phone out now, you know, for several years, had an iPhone, um,
And so, you know, I'd already had my phone out. So I'll always have your phone out. And so whenever I go for a number, I have the phone out now, you know, for several years, had an iPhone, um,
have my phone out and i say all right i'm going to call you later this week give me your number i got a plan and i have my phone out you know it's like and use the assumptive clothes that salesmen use instead of saying do you want to buy some they say how many can i put you down for you know right so it's an assumptive cause i get my phones out it's like you're going to give me a number and i said give me your number and in my experience
have my phone out and i say all right i'm going to call you later this week give me your number i got a plan and i have my phone out you know it's like and use the assumptive clothes that salesmen use instead of saying do you want to buy some they say how many can i put you down for you know right so it's an assumptive cause i get my phones out it's like you're going to give me a number and i said give me your number and in my experience
have my phone out and i say all right i'm going to call you later this week give me your number i got a plan and i have my phone out you know it's like and use the assumptive clothes that salesmen use instead of saying do you want to buy some they say how many can i put you down for you know right so it's an assumptive cause i get my phones out it's like you're going to give me a number and i said give me your number and in my experience
eight or nine times out of 10, they'd give me a number if I just said, give me your number. Now, I'd already be interacting with them and already gotten them to yes, you know, on several other things like in sales. And, you know, maybe one or two out of 10 would say, oh, I don't give my number out or I don't do this. And they'll go, give me your number. I'll call you.
eight or nine times out of 10, they'd give me a number if I just said, give me your number. Now, I'd already be interacting with them and already gotten them to yes, you know, on several other things like in sales. And, you know, maybe one or two out of 10 would say, oh, I don't give my number out or I don't do this. And they'll go, give me your number. I'll call you.
eight or nine times out of 10, they'd give me a number if I just said, give me your number. Now, I'd already be interacting with them and already gotten them to yes, you know, on several other things like in sales. And, you know, maybe one or two out of 10 would say, oh, I don't give my number out or I don't do this. And they'll go, give me your number. I'll call you.
And I'll go, nah, you're not going to call me. I said, just tell me you're not going to go out with me. Don't give me that. And so they'd give a number. And when they give me their number, I'd key it into my phone right then and and hit dial, you know, hit, hit, hit the call button so that their phone rings in their purse or if it's nearby them. And I've never gotten a bogus number ever.
And I'll go, nah, you're not going to call me. I said, just tell me you're not going to go out with me. Don't give me that. And so they'd give a number. And when they give me their number, I'd key it into my phone right then and and hit dial, you know, hit, hit, hit the call button so that their phone rings in their purse or if it's nearby them. And I've never gotten a bogus number ever.
And I'll go, nah, you're not going to call me. I said, just tell me you're not going to go out with me. Don't give me that. And so they'd give a number. And when they give me their number, I'd key it into my phone right then and and hit dial, you know, hit, hit, hit the call button so that their phone rings in their purse or if it's nearby them. And I've never gotten a bogus number ever.
No woman's ever given me a fake number. And by calling it, you know, if it's real, because it's going to ring her purse will start vibrating. Right. Right. So, and then I leave a voicemail and I'll say, you know, you know, Hey, Hey, Hey, sweetie pie or whatever. You know, I, I, I told my wife this, I started calling every woman I dated sweetie really early on because I was dating so many women.
No woman's ever given me a fake number. And by calling it, you know, if it's real, because it's going to ring her purse will start vibrating. Right. Right. So, and then I leave a voicemail and I'll say, you know, you know, Hey, Hey, Hey, sweetie pie or whatever. You know, I, I, I told my wife this, I started calling every woman I dated sweetie really early on because I was dating so many women.
No woman's ever given me a fake number. And by calling it, you know, if it's real, because it's going to ring her purse will start vibrating. Right. Right. So, and then I leave a voicemail and I'll say, you know, you know, Hey, Hey, Hey, sweetie pie or whatever. You know, I, I, I told my wife this, I started calling every woman I dated sweetie really early on because I was dating so many women.
I didn't want to fuck their names up, especially in bed. So I just started calling them all sweetie. Oh, you. Oh, sweetie. Oh, sweetie. So my wife actually thought that was pretty smart, pretty clever. So anyway, I'd say, hey, sweetie, this is Robert. I'm standing right in front of you. I'm going to call you later this week. I just wanted you to know who this number was on your keypad.
I didn't want to fuck their names up, especially in bed. So I just started calling them all sweetie. Oh, you. Oh, sweetie. Oh, sweetie. So my wife actually thought that was pretty smart, pretty clever. So anyway, I'd say, hey, sweetie, this is Robert. I'm standing right in front of you. I'm going to call you later this week. I just wanted you to know who this number was on your keypad.
I didn't want to fuck their names up, especially in bed. So I just started calling them all sweetie. Oh, you. Oh, sweetie. Oh, sweetie. So my wife actually thought that was pretty smart, pretty clever. So anyway, I'd say, hey, sweetie, this is Robert. I'm standing right in front of you. I'm going to call you later this week. I just wanted you to know who this number was on your keypad.
So I'd leave him a message right then, tell him I was going to call him. And then, you know. If I wanted to, I'd call them and follow up on it. But by being just that directive that, you know, give me your number, your phone's out, it's in your hand, give it and then call it. It just clicks. You know, I can't, again, I can't tell you 80 to 90% of the women always gave me numbers.
So I'd leave him a message right then, tell him I was going to call him. And then, you know. If I wanted to, I'd call them and follow up on it. But by being just that directive that, you know, give me your number, your phone's out, it's in your hand, give it and then call it. It just clicks. You know, I can't, again, I can't tell you 80 to 90% of the women always gave me numbers.
So I'd leave him a message right then, tell him I was going to call him. And then, you know. If I wanted to, I'd call them and follow up on it. But by being just that directive that, you know, give me your number, your phone's out, it's in your hand, give it and then call it. It just clicks. You know, I can't, again, I can't tell you 80 to 90% of the women always gave me numbers.
Don't try to win her approval. Don't be overly nice. Be willing to get to rejection. And bring your sexual agenda. Don't hide it from her. You want to see her naked. That's why you're talking to her.
Don't try to win her approval. Don't be overly nice. Be willing to get to rejection. And bring your sexual agenda. Don't hide it from her. You want to see her naked. That's why you're talking to her.
Don't try to win her approval. Don't be overly nice. Be willing to get to rejection. And bring your sexual agenda. Don't hide it from her. You want to see her naked. That's why you're talking to her.
Now, again, let me add that. Again, I'm not a big fan of just approaching, walking across a room because you think a woman's hot. But if you are out being a social animal, you'll notice women sending you IOIs, indicators of interest. They'll smile. They'll look your way. They'll turn your body towards you. Approach those women.
Now, again, let me add that. Again, I'm not a big fan of just approaching, walking across a room because you think a woman's hot. But if you are out being a social animal, you'll notice women sending you IOIs, indicators of interest. They'll smile. They'll look your way. They'll turn your body towards you. Approach those women.
Now, again, let me add that. Again, I'm not a big fan of just approaching, walking across a room because you think a woman's hot. But if you are out being a social animal, you'll notice women sending you IOIs, indicators of interest. They'll smile. They'll look your way. They'll turn your body towards you. Approach those women.
So the best way I know to overcome approach anxiety is approach the women who've sent you signals of interest. They're already interested. OK, well, you know, you almost got nothing to lose and and you don't have to impress them. They already noticed you. So approach the women, as David Data says, choose a woman who chooses you.
So the best way I know to overcome approach anxiety is approach the women who've sent you signals of interest. They're already interested. OK, well, you know, you almost got nothing to lose and and you don't have to impress them. They already noticed you. So approach the women, as David Data says, choose a woman who chooses you.
So the best way I know to overcome approach anxiety is approach the women who've sent you signals of interest. They're already interested. OK, well, you know, you almost got nothing to lose and and you don't have to impress them. They already noticed you. So approach the women, as David Data says, choose a woman who chooses you.
go go the other way i put it go walk through open doors don't go pound on closed doors i like that i like that two more um how do you know when a woman is interested in you and when she's not usually she'll like talking to you she'll interact she'll touch you she'll laugh at your dumb jokes um she'll move her body in and out um You'll know. You'll know.
go go the other way i put it go walk through open doors don't go pound on closed doors i like that i like that two more um how do you know when a woman is interested in you and when she's not usually she'll like talking to you she'll interact she'll touch you she'll laugh at your dumb jokes um she'll move her body in and out um You'll know. You'll know.
go go the other way i put it go walk through open doors don't go pound on closed doors i like that i like that two more um how do you know when a woman is interested in you and when she's not usually she'll like talking to you she'll interact she'll touch you she'll laugh at your dumb jokes um she'll move her body in and out um You'll know. You'll know.
You know, guys will say, you mentioned earlier about what to talk about. Guys will say, what do I do when the conversation just kind of comes to an end? And I go, say nice to meet you and walk away because you just reach low interest. If a woman is interested in you, the conversation will stay interesting.
You know, guys will say, you mentioned earlier about what to talk about. Guys will say, what do I do when the conversation just kind of comes to an end? And I go, say nice to meet you and walk away because you just reach low interest. If a woman is interested in you, the conversation will stay interesting.
You know, guys will say, you mentioned earlier about what to talk about. Guys will say, what do I do when the conversation just kind of comes to an end? And I go, say nice to meet you and walk away because you just reach low interest. If a woman is interested in you, the conversation will stay interesting.
Okay, shit test goes back to women being security-seeking creatures. Shit test doesn't mean they're being shitty to us. They're trying to test, do we have our shit together? Now, I do have to distinguish from men. Shit tests are not mean. If a woman's mean, if she says hurtful things to you, if she's a bitch to you, walk away. She's mean, okay? Shit tests is like they show up a little bit late.
Okay, shit test goes back to women being security-seeking creatures. Shit test doesn't mean they're being shitty to us. They're trying to test, do we have our shit together? Now, I do have to distinguish from men. Shit tests are not mean. If a woman's mean, if she says hurtful things to you, if she's a bitch to you, walk away. She's mean, okay? Shit tests is like they show up a little bit late.
Okay, shit test goes back to women being security-seeking creatures. Shit test doesn't mean they're being shitty to us. They're trying to test, do we have our shit together? Now, I do have to distinguish from men. Shit tests are not mean. If a woman's mean, if she says hurtful things to you, if she's a bitch to you, walk away. She's mean, okay? Shit tests is like they show up a little bit late.
You know, they ask you to hold their purse. Quick story. I was dating a woman, dated her for about three years. You know, she was my home decorator. And so we'd go out and she'd want to like plug a lamp in to see how it looked. And she'd hand me her Louis Vuitton purse. You know, hold my purse. And I go, I don't hold purses. She goes... What?
You know, they ask you to hold their purse. Quick story. I was dating a woman, dated her for about three years. You know, she was my home decorator. And so we'd go out and she'd want to like plug a lamp in to see how it looked. And she'd hand me her Louis Vuitton purse. You know, hold my purse. And I go, I don't hold purses. She goes... What?
You know, they ask you to hold their purse. Quick story. I was dating a woman, dated her for about three years. You know, she was my home decorator. And so we'd go out and she'd want to like plug a lamp in to see how it looked. And she'd hand me her Louis Vuitton purse. You know, hold my purse. And I go, I don't hold purses. She goes... What?
I go, I don't ask you to hold my bowling ball, so I'm not going to hold your purse. That was just a joke because I don't have a bowling ball. And she looked at me. And that always kind of pissed her off a little bit. I said, what would you do if I wasn't here? What would you do with your purse if I wasn't standing here to hold it for you? Well, I'd set it down and plug the lamp in.
I go, I don't ask you to hold my bowling ball, so I'm not going to hold your purse. That was just a joke because I don't have a bowling ball. And she looked at me. And that always kind of pissed her off a little bit. I said, what would you do if I wasn't here? What would you do with your purse if I wasn't standing here to hold it for you? Well, I'd set it down and plug the lamp in.
I go, I don't ask you to hold my bowling ball, so I'm not going to hold your purse. That was just a joke because I don't have a bowling ball. And she looked at me. And that always kind of pissed her off a little bit. I said, what would you do if I wasn't here? What would you do with your purse if I wasn't standing here to hold it for you? Well, I'd set it down and plug the lamp in.
I go, all right, you got it figured out. You don't need me to hold it. And then we'd been dating, been together for a couple of years. We were in like a Starbucks coffee shop. There's a couple in front of us. And the woman was obviously the boss, the heifer. She was doing the ordering and the guy just kind of passed him. She just hands him her purse like she just knows he's going to hold it.
I go, all right, you got it figured out. You don't need me to hold it. And then we'd been dating, been together for a couple of years. We were in like a Starbucks coffee shop. There's a couple in front of us. And the woman was obviously the boss, the heifer. She was doing the ordering and the guy just kind of passed him. She just hands him her purse like she just knows he's going to hold it.
I go, all right, you got it figured out. You don't need me to hold it. And then we'd been dating, been together for a couple of years. We were in like a Starbucks coffee shop. There's a couple in front of us. And the woman was obviously the boss, the heifer. She was doing the ordering and the guy just kind of passed him. She just hands him her purse like she just knows he's going to hold it.
And he's just standing there while she orders with her purse in his hand. And my girlfriend looks at me. She goes, I get it now. I don't remember what the question was, but it had to do with holy purchase. Basically, passing tests. They're not trying to be mean.
And he's just standing there while she orders with her purse in his hand. And my girlfriend looks at me. She goes, I get it now. I don't remember what the question was, but it had to do with holy purchase. Basically, passing tests. They're not trying to be mean.
And he's just standing there while she orders with her purse in his hand. And my girlfriend looks at me. She goes, I get it now. I don't remember what the question was, but it had to do with holy purchase. Basically, passing tests. They're not trying to be mean.
I always say, if we are their security system, it's like we're their castle. and the marauding hordes are outside coming to rape and pillage, and they're inside the castle. They got to go around with a broomstick, poking the window jams, the door jams, the window casings, seeing where are they most vulnerable? Where's the castle most vulnerable? That's what they do with us.
I always say, if we are their security system, it's like we're their castle. and the marauding hordes are outside coming to rape and pillage, and they're inside the castle. They got to go around with a broomstick, poking the window jams, the door jams, the window casings, seeing where are they most vulnerable? Where's the castle most vulnerable? That's what they do with us.
I always say, if we are their security system, it's like we're their castle. and the marauding hordes are outside coming to rape and pillage, and they're inside the castle. They got to go around with a broomstick, poking the window jams, the door jams, the window casings, seeing where are they most vulnerable? Where's the castle most vulnerable? That's what they do with us.
They got to see where we're most vulnerable. So they're actually pretty good at poking us in our most vulnerable places. And we go, ouch, that hurt. You're being mean. Now, they're really not. They're just seeing... Like my ex said, are you man enough to stand up to me? And then I know you'll stand up for me. Wow.
They got to see where we're most vulnerable. So they're actually pretty good at poking us in our most vulnerable places. And we go, ouch, that hurt. You're being mean. Now, they're really not. They're just seeing... Like my ex said, are you man enough to stand up to me? And then I know you'll stand up for me. Wow.
They got to see where we're most vulnerable. So they're actually pretty good at poking us in our most vulnerable places. And we go, ouch, that hurt. You're being mean. Now, they're really not. They're just seeing... Like my ex said, are you man enough to stand up to me? And then I know you'll stand up for me. Wow.
Well, drglover.com is great. And I'll just say I've been converting. I have half a dozen online courses that I've been teaching for years and written courses, but I'm converting them all to video. And I think your guys would love my video class on positive emotional tension. And the basic premise is women have to experience emotional tension to be attracted to a man and have sexual arousal.
Well, drglover.com is great. And I'll just say I've been converting. I have half a dozen online courses that I've been teaching for years and written courses, but I'm converting them all to video. And I think your guys would love my video class on positive emotional tension. And the basic premise is women have to experience emotional tension to be attracted to a man and have sexual arousal.
Well, drglover.com is great. And I'll just say I've been converting. I have half a dozen online courses that I've been teaching for years and written courses, but I'm converting them all to video. And I think your guys would love my video class on positive emotional tension. And the basic premise is women have to experience emotional tension to be attracted to a man and have sexual arousal.
But unfortunately, we men tend to hate emotional tension in relationship. So the PET, positive emotional tension video course, I think you guys are going to love it.
But unfortunately, we men tend to hate emotional tension in relationship. So the PET, positive emotional tension video course, I think you guys are going to love it.
But unfortunately, we men tend to hate emotional tension in relationship. So the PET, positive emotional tension video course, I think you guys are going to love it.