Dr. Matt May

When do I get to go?

When do I get to go?

Okay, so I... Yeah, last night we were talking a lot about a plan in very specific terms. I kept asking questions and you kept clarifying your preferences. And then this morning I got it all wrong. And it wasn't anything like the plan that you were describing that we were talking about the night before. And it's just so incredible.

Okay, so I... Yeah, last night we were talking a lot about a plan in very specific terms. I kept asking questions and you kept clarifying your preferences. And then this morning I got it all wrong. And it wasn't anything like the plan that you were describing that we were talking about the night before. And it's just so incredible.

What grade did I get, Rhonda?

What grade did I get, Rhonda?

Yeah, yeah. So so and by the way, I'm not supposed to agree, so I shouldn't disarm. Is that part of the or can I can I say you're so right? Last night we had this big discussion about a plan for today. Yeah, sure, that'd be okay. That's not provocative. Okay, I didn't understand. Exactly. And then this morning, I got it all wrong, actually.

Yeah, yeah. So so and by the way, I'm not supposed to agree, so I shouldn't disarm. Is that part of the or can I can I say you're so right? Last night we had this big discussion about a plan for today. Yeah, sure, that'd be okay. That's not provocative. Okay, I didn't understand. Exactly. And then this morning, I got it all wrong, actually.

I don't think I did any of the things that we had planned on doing. And you said it was frustrating to you. And I could also understand why you'd be feeling really irritated with me and angry. And you said you felt really hurt. That makes sense to me, too. You were wondering if maybe I just wasn't even paying attention or maybe there's some kind of cognitive problem that I'm not getting it.

I don't think I did any of the things that we had planned on doing. And you said it was frustrating to you. And I could also understand why you'd be feeling really irritated with me and angry. And you said you felt really hurt. That makes sense to me, too. You were wondering if maybe I just wasn't even paying attention or maybe there's some kind of cognitive problem that I'm not getting it.

And so that was scary for you as well. And you felt sad. You felt lonely. I wondered if you even felt defeated or hopeless. What's the point in trying to make a plan or talk to me about stuff if I don't really listen to you? How am I doing now?

And so that was scary for you as well. And you felt sad. You felt lonely. I wondered if you even felt defeated or hopeless. What's the point in trying to make a plan or talk to me about stuff if I don't really listen to you? How am I doing now?

I'd like to hear your points there.

I'd like to hear your points there.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me. For people who want to give this a try, I've made some observations over time about this method that might be worth hearing.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me. For people who want to give this a try, I've made some observations over time about this method that might be worth hearing.

That would be valuable, Matt. So one thing I've seen happen very, very often is that after being like heard for the first time, the speaker feels really excited and will want to keep talking. They feel like, oh my God, this is exactly what I wanted to be able to just like get things off my chest to be heard and understood.

That would be valuable, Matt. So one thing I've seen happen very, very often is that after being like heard for the first time, the speaker feels really excited and will want to keep talking. They feel like, oh my God, this is exactly what I wanted to be able to just like get things off my chest to be heard and understood.

And so they will then just continue the conversation rather than pausing to give the feedback. But the feedback is super vital and important. So that's the number one thing that I see go wrong here is that the speaker finds it hard to pause to give that feedback to the listener.

And so they will then just continue the conversation rather than pausing to give the feedback. But the feedback is super vital and important. So that's the number one thing that I see go wrong here is that the speaker finds it hard to pause to give that feedback to the listener.