Dr. Judith Joseph
Appearances
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So many times we're so focused on the science and advances that we've forgotten the basics. And we all have the DNA. We have the makeup to find happiness. We're just genetically built to have joy. That's why we have dopamine in our brains. But we've forgotten along the way the basics. And I wanted people to know that there are five pathways to happiness. that everyone has access to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
We all do different things within these five Vs that I created, but we all have access to them. And if we knew them, then we could all find the science of our own happiness and follow these five pathways.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
All of these five Vs have a negative and a positive aspect of them. If we're not doing them right, we will be unhappy. If we're doing them in a positive way that edifies us, we will be happier.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
The blueprint, right? The biopsychosocial, we all have one, but it's going to be different based on the individual. For example, if you're someone with an autoimmune condition- Mm-hmm. Your biological loading, you may have to do more work there. You may have to work with healthcare providers, physical therapists. You may have to work on anti-inflammatory issues or use drugs.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So your biological component is going to be different than someone who, let's say, doesn't have a chronic physical condition. Mm-hmm. Someone else who doesn't have a chronic physical condition may have more social loading. They may be in a toxic relationship. So you can have as low inflammation and eat as much kale as you want. You're still with that bad person, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
You're still with someone who's making your life miserable. So for that individual, I'm going to have to work on their relationship and how that impacts them. Someone else who's got more of the psychological load, and let's say they have a past history of PTSD and trauma, I can tell them to go out into the world and meet people, but they're getting triggered.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So I'm going to have to work with that person on more trauma responses and coping skills than someone else.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So yeah. So wherever you're having the most stress, I think that's a simple way of saying it. Whichever of these circles is causing you the most stress, that's where you may want to focus your efforts first. Okay. And the five Vs, when you tailor it to yourself, because we all have the same framework, but we have different stories. We all have different paths, different genetic makeups.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
If you tailor it to yourself, then you feel as if there's a chance, there's hope. What I found is that people read books and then they go to talks and they feel like, well, I did all the right things. I did these things. It worked for that person. It's not working for me. Well, you probably weren't thinking it based on your own makeup, based on the science of your own happiness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And that's why it probably didn't lead to the outcome that you desired.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
The first, I think, is the most important. Okay. It's validation. And I know it sounds cheesy. Okay. But for someone like myself, again, Ivy League trained, two Ivy League degrees, I can tell you that it's one of the hardest things for me to do is to validate and acknowledge how I'm feeling.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And it sounds so granola, but if you're someone who's a working mom, who's a teacher, who is a healthcare provider, how many times in a day do you ignore how you feel? Like, I recently gave a talk at this very high-powered event with all these working women.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And I asked them, how many of you have had to really pee, but then you held it in and you didn't because you were doing something very important? There was not one hand that was not raised. We invalidate how we feel all of the time. We don't acknowledge our stress. We say, I'm fine. I'm okay. Good. You?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
If we took a look at ourselves throughout the day and we self-validated, we would be so much better because when we acknowledge how we feel, that in itself is an act of therapy because the human brain releases stress. It decreases anxiety when we can pinpoint how we feel and it's evidence-based therapy. but we don't do it and it's free. Everyone can do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
If you acknowledge what you're really feeling, then you can get to the root of A, why you're feeling that way. What are the stresses in your life leading to that? And B, come up with a solution for it. It is that simple. And many of us don't acknowledge how we're feeling. We stay in bad relationships and we keep saying, well, I'm getting X, Y, Z from it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But we're ignoring the negatives that I'm feeling disrespected. I'm feeling neglected. I'm feeling abandoned.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
because it's so painful and instead what do we do we push through it we busy ourselves we work harder at the relationship we keep saying it's okay maybe next time if i just do this differently they'll change this invalidation is harmful and not just for romantic relationships even in you know certain workplace conditions well if i just get to this next level if the boss says that if i just do this one project right then i'll get there
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And we continue gaslighting ourselves, not acknowledging our feelings, not self-validating. And that leads other people to invalidate us. It's this ripple effect.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
It is a trauma response. Avoidance is a trauma response. So knowing that, right, that's why the biopsychosocial is so important. Okay. And I want people to learn about it because if they know that, wait, I'm busying myself because I don't want to feel pain. If they know that this is happening, many people don't know that, then they'll slow down. Then they'll take a rest. They'll reflect.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
they'll stop, they'll realize that things have to change. But if your coping skill is to avoid, to not acknowledge, to invalidate yourself, you'll push through until something else happens. You may physically break down, you may start, substance abuse may get worse, or you may develop a clinical depression, mental health crisis. But if you know that this is a response, this will help you.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I'll give myself as an example. I was in therapy for many years. Before I entered therapy, I was a psych resident and I had switched from anesthesia to psychiatry. And in psychiatry, we have these process groups where you sit around and you talk about your feelings. And I was the surgical person in the room. I was like, why do these people complain? They have a good life.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They don't have to wake up at 5 a.m. They get to pee. They get to eat. They have a good life because surgical residency is very difficult. Mm-hmm. And then they were like, you know, everyone in the program has to enter therapy. And I was like, I don't need that. I don't need problems. Because in my mind, I was like, okay, you know, mental health issues, there's schizophrenia.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
There are like severe mental health issues where people can't function, right? Big mistake. I entered therapy and I learned so much about myself and how much I just pushed through pain that I wasn't even acknowledging. That I wasn't even saying this happened to me. That I had to stop and I had to be like, wow, I was being so busy. I didn't realize that I went through this.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And my therapist, he actually said, you have this tendency to be a masochist. And I was like, we're not supposed to use that word. A masochist? A masochist. Wow. In psychiatry. What does that word even mean?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, the reason you think it's bad is because it was completely ripped out of the DSM-5 and out of the DSM-4. It's a term that was in there in the early versions of the Bible of psychiatry, the DSM-3, where it really described a person who kind of cheated themselves out of good things, let other people walk all over them, people pleased to the point where it actually hurt.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Wait, that's a masochist? Yes. And people, when they think of masochism, they think of sex, but it's not that type of masochism.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
It's the opposite. Yeah. That's narcissism. Yeah. Wow. So masochism really is someone who's kind of like what we would consider a people pleaser. People who don't really acknowledge how they're feeling and just do for others and show up for others. And through therapy, I learned that I had these tendencies.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Had I not gone to therapy, had I not slowed down, had I not self-reflected, then I wouldn't have done the work to discover that I had these underlying type of behaviors. So now when I go through life, I'm like... is this masochistic? Am I being a masochist? And that has really helped me in most of my decisions. Like if I'm about to take on a study, I'm like, do I have the team for that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Do I have the hours? Do I have the time? I'm going to pass. That seems masochistic. If I take that on, that is masochistic.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Absolutely. And you're going to say it's simple, but the first step is ask yourself, how do I feel? I know it sounds so cheesy, but how do I really feel? That's like the internal validation. People are neurodivergent. Some people can't do that introspection.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So what I do with some of my clients is I say, well, because you're a visual learner, sometimes it's helpful for you, may not be helpful for someone else, to look in the mirror and look yourself in the eye and say, okay. how am I feeling today? And be honest with yourself. Other people, again, people learn differently. They're more tactile, so they use their hands, they're more manual.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So I'll ask them to write, how do I feel? In some cases where people have something called alexithymia, which is a condition where you have a really hard time pinpointing your emotions, I'll actually have a face chart of different emotions and different words, and I'll ask them to circle, how do I feel? It sounds very basic, But there are people who can't.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They just either culturally were not taught to validate themselves or in their family, it just wasn't the norm. Or again, they have alexithymia. They just don't know how to identify feelings. So depending on the person, I have artists sometimes who come to my office and I'll say like, when you're playing a song, maybe play a song that expresses how you feel. So that's how you can self-validate.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
You can verbally acknowledge it or you can write it down, but it's important to do it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
The second V is venting. I love this one. Okay. If you think about venting, so from the scientific term, it's like air is in a bubble and then you let it out and the pressure is released. We need to let out our pressure. We need to let off steam literally, right? So venting is getting that, like once you validate how you feel, how do you get it out there?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
For some people, my dad's a pastor, they pray. In the church, a lot of people pray and they'll talk to God and they express to God how they're feeling, but they don't feel comfortable telling their partner. They don't feel comfortable telling anyone else. For others, it's talking to a therapist. For others, it could be to a faith leader. And I mentioned I treat artists.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So sometimes some of my artists will come in and they'll sing a song to me or they'll show me something that they drew. I personally vent by using social media because if I'm feeling a certain way, I'll create a reel or a post to express it. And a lot of my younger clients who are in Gen Z, I think now 50% of Gen Z wants to have a side hustle as being an influencer.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So they're expressing their feelings that way, venting in that creative outlet.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, there are do's and don'ts of venting, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
You can vent bad or good. Venting is getting the emotion out once you acknowledge it. Validating can be acknowledging both perceived good and bad emotions, right? Negative or positive. I don't like the word good, bad, but you know... any emotion that you acknowledge, you can then vent it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Now, what you described when you are, you know, full of rage or you're emotional, that could be perceived as trauma dumping, right? Yeah, you mean Thursday night? And with my clients, I do go through the do's and the don'ts. Like, don't vent when you're in the heat of the moment, right? Maybe take a beat, slow down a bit and think about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And then, you know, don't trauma dump, you know, especially If you're venting to someone who's maybe on a, someone who's an employee, right? That power dynamic is not fair because they, they're going to listen. They're not going to be like, shut up. Like you complain all the time. They're gonna be like, uh-huh. Yeah, boss.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And then they're going to go home and then they're going to vent to someone else. Right? So you want to be mindful of making sure that you're not trauma dumping and making sure that you are reflecting and not, you know, then creating stress for someone else. But really, I ask people to do a lot of self-venting first. So say it out loud if you have to, you know, express it in a song if you have to.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But it is helpful to talk to people and you want to think about, okay, the person that I'm going to repeatedly, is it fair? Is that person okay with it? So you can even ask them like, hey, is it okay if I check in with you? I have this problem. I know that I come to you often. If it ever feels like I'm doing this too much or you feel overwhelmed and it's not reciprocal, let me know.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So there are ways to go about it, which I provide.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Oh, I just got this. Okay. Yeah. I love the way that you really break things down because you're absolutely right. People automatically think I got to do these things, but they're not doing the first parts, which is, again, this is the democratizing of the mental health that I'm talking about. The first parts, that's usually what happens in a therapeutic setting, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
We get to the, we started the basics and then we work our way up to the action. Gotcha. But when you're skipping that part and you're doing the action, you don't even know why you're doing it. You don't understand it. Correct.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They are. You know, if you think about it as you're going from deeper level to surface level, it's a journey. And I think that what you're describing so beautifully is that people, they want to get the skills and the toolbox, but they don't understand the why. They don't understand what they're searching for. Yeah. So they're just like, you know, using these tools, but they don't have a target.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They don't understand what was behind it. And the beginning parts are so important. And that's what I'm talking about with democratizing mental health is that when you sit with someone who's a therapist and you do the work and you're learning, A, how you feel and how to express it so that you can continue growing in that work, then you can start using the tools.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But a lot of us who've never really worked with anyone or didn't have success in therapy, we're just using the tools, but it's like no one taught us how to use the tools. So we're lost.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
If you're listening right now and you are feeling a bit empty or restless or just feeling lost, you should thank yourself right now because you are giving yourself the gift of knowledge. You are being curious about how you can potentially be happier and how you could potentially impact the people in your lives.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
The third is values. Okay. And for myself, I talked about how I used to value education and accolades and all these things. But at the end of the day, I had to do a deep dive and think about, well, When I felt full fed and really purposeful, these were the times when I was helping others, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And even if I was in this prestigious program in this prestigious field at the time, I didn't feel fulfilled. I didn't feel fed. But what I valued was connecting with people and helping them. So I had to go back to the basics as to what I truly value, not what people tell me that I should value, not what my family told me I should value, but what I truly valued.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And for some, it could be your faith. For some, it could be your family. For others, it's a cause that you feel passionate about. There are deeper level values and more shallow ones. Like, you know, many of us, we chase money. We chase success. I think that those are more shallow because they don't last.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Like when you're in your deathbed, you're not going to think, oh, I wish I had that pink Porsche. Right. The only people that remember how much you worked are your kids. You're going to think about the people in your life. You're going to think about whether or not you created change. You're going to think about the legacy that you left. Right.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So I think that really being, you know, having that self-reflection and thinking about what you truly value, what brings you purpose and meaning, what makes your life rich, what makes you feel full and fed, not the things that are just around you, the objects, but things that really give you that sense of purpose.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
When I have a client in my practice, sometimes, and I recently had someone come to me and say, I just don't remember what I valued anymore. So we had to look at the past. And I asked her, you know, when was the last time that you can really remember that you felt full and fed? You know, I use these very basic- You mean other, a table, dining room table?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Other than that, just like spiritually full, satisfied. And we went back to her childhood. And around that time, her parents are going through a divorce. But right before that, she remembered that they would spend a lot of time in nature, that they would do camping trips and things like that. And so we had to look back in her past. It took us time, but we found that point in time.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
We found the trauma and we uncovered what was blocking her. And she hadn't been spending a lot of time in nature. She was living in a big city. She was busying herself with her important job. So I asked her, okay, let's... you value nature. Let's start to spend some time there. I didn't ask her to go on a hiking trip. Right. I asked her to slowly take steps.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So the first step was, you know, reading about a hike online. The next step was maybe looking at pictures of it, maybe going out and picking out some boots. So we did baby steps to get there. And eventually she started spending more time in nature and feeling a bit happier, you know, Not to say that her depression was completely cured, but her points of joy were increasing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So I want you to thank yourself because you are giving yourself the gift of making your life better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And that gave her hope because she felt so lost. But knowing that these little things, simple things could bring her back to feeling purposeful, even for just moments, that gave her hope.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
It can. And sometimes I have clients who can't remember their childhood because maybe there was so much disruption. Maybe there was so much trauma and they have a foggy memory. So I have other creative ways to help them with their values. Like think of someone that maybe if you could pick one person that you could sit down and have a coffee with or a drink with, who would it be?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And sometimes they'll be like, oh, I wish if Prince were alive, I could sit down with Prince. But it's like, okay, so what is it about Prince? And then we go back to, they value music and they used to listen to music. They used to go to live shows. So there are different creative ways that you can get to finding out what you value.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And for some of my clients, I have to be very concrete and list the values out and then go through them. But you can find things that you truly bring your life meaning, that truly give you a sense of purpose. Even if you feel like, okay, I don't have time for that or I forgot it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Many of us are so hard on ourselves. Look, for example, today, I'm coming to the Mel Robbins show to see my good friend Mel, and I'm like, why didn't I read this? Why didn't I read that? I had to even stop and say, I should be really giving myself some gratitude here. You know, I'm doing something that's making the world a better place. I'm a working mom. I'm a single mom. I am an entrepreneur.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
The fourth is vitals. Okay, what does that mean? I call it the annoying V. Okay. because whenever you go to your doctor, they're going to be like, make sure you're eating well, you're sleeping well, and all these- Oh, I thought you were about to say, get on the scale. I'm like, let me take my shoes off first, please.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But with my daughter, every night I'll tell her, I say, how many bodies did God give you? And she says, one. And then what do you got to do with it? Take care of it. And I think it's a very basic story. It makes my heart really tender, but we only have one body. That was so beautiful. Thank you. Would you say that again, what you say to your daughter?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I ask her, you know, how many bodies did God give you? And she says, one. And what do we have to do with it? Take care of it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, I love vitals because vitals kind of looks at the biopsychosocial. And if you look at the diagram online, they overlap the Venn diagram. So it has a lot of the biological components, like the things that we eat. Many times, we eat things that are so processed that are not full of nutrients. And that... causes inflammation to rise in our body.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Inflammation makes our brains unhappy, makes us more anxious and depressed, makes our sleep worse, makes our body feel icky. And then, you know, so there are certain foods that you can eat that are rich in vitamins and omega-3 fatty acids like fish, leafy greens, berries that are good for your brain.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Like in our Happiness Lab, we do a demonstration where we have everyone eat a blueberry and we're like, you know what? Within an hour, you're going to have blood rushing to your brain because that's how powerful a single blueberry is. For real? Yeah. Very powerful, antioxidant, anti-cancer, just so full of nutrients.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And so learning that food has so much power in terms of your happiness, it's a reframe for me. So when I start eating my salmon and my spinach, I'm like, I am doing such good things for my body right now. I'm loving myself. I'm taking care of my body. And that is, I'm self-validating. I'm venting, you know, like you're tying all the bees together. You are.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, in the vitals, there's one that doctors neglect. Doctors don't ask you about the quality of your relationships. Oh. And longevity science shows that the number one factor for longevity, for good outcomes, are your relationships. But, you know, doctors are constricted with insurance and they only have 15 minutes to get everything in. So they're not asking you about that, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So as a psychiatrist, I have to remind myself of my self-worth, that I am doing something good, that I should be grateful for me and grateful for the things that I'm doing.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Your relationships are so important. And there was this, I can't remember, I think she was a TikToker and she went on and she was like saying that she was so lonely. She hadn't had human touch in like months during the pandemic. And she was just like, it's called, I think, skin starvation, where you don't have that touch. Relationships are so important.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They determine your long-term happiness, your health, your So pay attention to them. Don't ignore your relationships. And I think that's an important part in the vital. So I talk about how every day I talk to my daughter and I tell her, you know, how important she is and how there's only one her. And there will only ever be one her.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Like when I'm talking to your followers, there will only ever be one you. Take care of yourself. Make sure you're getting that connection. So yes, the vitals include things like sleep, movement, eating well, limiting your screen time because that's another vital we neglect.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
We don't talk about how technology impedes our health and how I think one day in the DSM-5, there's going to be a whole section related to how technology is impacting our mental health. But these are all important vitals. But I think that the quality of your relationships, they're so important. And what's the fifth V? The fifth is vision.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Many times we're so busy that we are not planning our happiness. We're not looking forward. We're not celebrating our wins. And I'm not talking about the big ones. I'm talking about even the small ones. Like if you got your kid to school on time, you know, sit down, have a sip of coffee and say, wow, like I'm really, I'm a good parent. Like I did that. And also just like planning joy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
We don't take the time to do that. We check the boxes, but we don't really look forward to the future. And if we don't have things to look forward to in the future, we're going to feel stuck in the past.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Yes. I mean, I have so many different tools that I give them, but one of my favorite is the time capsule tool. Okay, what's that? Will you walk us through that? It's a very traditional thing, but it's like, what are the things in your life that you are looking forward to in the future? Let's put it in this time capsule and let's set a date as a family for us to dig it up, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But you can do this as an individual, right? You can do this as an individual.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Yeah. So if you value your family, you may want to put a picture of them in there and then a little note saying, I want to have more interactions with this person. If you value music and you want to have more live music experiences, I'm going to try and put something in there that I'm going to work towards. Maybe it's seeing my favorite artist playing. Maybe it's finally going to a concert.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
If it's about your health, you're going to put something in there like, okay, I want to get more movement in. So in the future, I'm going to write a note to myself that I'm going to get more steps. Some of us don't get enough steps because we're so sedentary in our ways.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But then if we have this physical thing, and the reason that I came up with this is because I've traveled the world learning about how we view happiness differently. I noticed that a lot of cultures have little shrines and it made me curious about that. Like, what is it about that symbolism that's so powerful? sometimes we have to create our own little shrines to remind us, right?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Because again, many of us are neurodivergent, we learn differently. So having that visual, that tactile, that sensory reminder helps us to have something to look forward to. And my clients love it. They love to like be their own happiness archeologist and like put together this time capsule and then have something they could dig up in the future.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
It doesn't have to be a year, it could be like two months, but we dig it up together and we explore like, how did we do? And I think it's a creative, fun way for people to stay on track and to have something that keeps them moving forward.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
You're using all of your senses to stay present, right? It is something that you need the sense of touch for. You need the sense of sight. Some of the things in there could be emotive smell or sound, but it keeps you grounded and present in this act of love to yourself. And like I mentioned, a lot of my clients are neurodivergent.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They need those different stimuli to be able to stay focused and they need something to physically look forward to. Many of us can't be as abstract. Many of us need those concrete reminders. So it's something we can do together. It creates that sense of connection, that community. Yeah. And there are many other ways, tools that I have for keeping yourself on vision. This is just one of them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
For others, that would never work. Give me another one. For my busy moms, I tell them to open up their calendar and we literally sit and we plan joy. And it sounds cheesy, but I literally- Well, what I find in my office is that people will open up their calendars and there's like zero joy. They planned everything else. They have the kids soccer. They have their work schedule.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They have chores, but there's no joy. So we color coat the joy differently and it keeps them accountable. Again, people are visual. Some people are very visual. If they see that there's planned joy and it's blocked out for everyone, you're doing multiple things. You're setting boundaries. You're setting a reminder and you're prioritizing. joy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And a lot of people, if it's not in their calendar, it's not going to happen.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
It is. You just described the biopsychosocial in such a simple way. But yes, these are all the components that make up life. an individual. You know, we forget that real happiness is the sensation. It's the plethora of sensation.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
When you're feeling lonely, being connected, when you're hungry, feeling fed, when you're tired, feeling rested, you know, all of these things make up what happiness is, but we forget about it because we get so focused on just the biology, like just the medicine.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
that we forget that there are other parts of our lives that if we can just shape them a bit differently, if we have some control over the direction of those factors, that we could actually have more sustainable happiness and joy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, Mel, I've told you this story before personally, but many people don't know this. In 2020, I was sitting at my desk in my office and I was giving this talk to this major hospital system, to people who didn't know what was happening in the world, who were faced with uncertainty and were afraid. And they were looking to me for help.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, I mean, I think for women in particular, you know, we have twice the rate of depression and anxiety that men have. You know, women are twice as likely to have depression and anxiety. That's like, that always hits me. I'm like, oh my gosh. From a biological standpoint, we have different hormones and our hormones at times makes us vulnerable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I do a lot of work with postpartum depression and with perimenopause and how moods impact our emotions and our behaviors. Society-wise, the social part, we're expected to show up for others. Life is unfair, we get paid less. We work very hard and we have so many roles. Many of us are taking care of our kids and our parents, you know, and we have jobs.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And then from the psycho part, you know, women have high rates of trauma. We have high rates, again, of, you know, depression, anxiety. We have past things that happened to us. When we attach to others, we're more prone to be in, you know, relationships that could be toxic, right? So there's a lot that's happening for women. And I think we have to acknowledge that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And women in particular need to take care of themselves. It doesn't mean that hormones makes you crazy and wild and emotional. It just means that acknowledging that, okay, when I have my period, I'm going to be more vulnerable. When I'm going through the postpartum period, I'm going to be more vulnerable. When I'm going through perimenopause, this is happening to me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Acknowledging that these things happen. And I think that for my patients is very validating. They're like, oh... I understand this. So sometimes we'll plan the periods. If we know your period is coming in two weeks, you're going to get more support. You're not going to work as hard. If you're someone thinking about having a child, a lot of my patients do, and we do a lot of planning around that.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And if you're hitting your 30s, late 30s, early 40s, I'm like, hey, think about perimenopause, you know? So I think the knowledge, the knowing that this is happening helps you to plan your happiness, not just be a passive participant in this role. You can actually do things to support yourself better.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Absolutely. And understanding that women are more empathic when someone is hurt. Women are more likely to feel that pain with them. And it doesn't mean that we're weaker, we're just different. So understanding the different components of your happiness, understanding the science of your happiness and tailoring it to you, I think people will have more success. They'll feel less lost.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And midway through that talk, I was just like, oh my gosh, I think I'm depressed. And I was like, how did depression sneak up on me? And it led me to wonder how many people out there are wearing this mask of productivity.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Or with it. Or with it. You may need it. And that's totally fine. That's a part of the puzzle. It's the reason why, like I said, we're not all on antidepressants. There are so many pieces of the puzzle. And for some people, they're going to need medication, but others, they won't. But we can work on your happiness from all different angles.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I often say mental health is yours. We all have physical health. We all have bodies, but we all have brains. We all have mental health. You may not have a diagnosed mental health condition, but you have mental health. Take care of it. Learn about it. Be curious. Nurture it. And make it fun. Make it creative. Bring it back to your roots. I'm a Caribbean American woman.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
When I think about movement, I'm not just going to go on a Stairmaster. I'm going to do my whining, my dancing, because that bilateral stimulation makes my left brain talk to my right brain. It makes me happier. So be creative with it. Think about your past. Bring it into your tailored treatment for yourself. Mental health is yours. You just forgot about it. And what are your parting words?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
They're really struggling underneath and no one knows it, but they're coping with it by busying themselves, by showing up for others, by being a good mom, by being a good friend, a good sister, a caretaker. And I started to ask this question in my practice and many people were saying, that is me, that is me.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I think we can all live a happier life. I truly believe that if we practice the five Vs and we do a lot of self-reflection, not only will we be happier, but happiness will be contagious. We're going to think about other people differently. When you see someone, you're going to think about their biopsychosocial and why they're so grumpy, why they're so upset all the time. We'll have more compassion.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
We'll make society better. The world will be a better place.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I think so. And for some, they're going to have to work more on one V versus the other initially. The biggest mistake is when people try to do all the five Vs at once and then they're like, oh, this is too much.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
In research, we use points. We use rating scales, talking to patients, and adding up points. But this is important because when we're adding up points, we're adding up sensations. We're adding up things like sleep. We're adding up things like feeling connected to people. We're adding up things like energy, well-being. These are all things that make up, in research, what we call happiness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And so I think if people knew that and they understood happiness from that framework, they wouldn't feel like they're on this mission to this elusive thing that will never happen. Because if you think about happiness as all these sensations in life and you're just trying to get more points of it, then it is attainable.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Little points, you will get there. It is a process, right? And I think a lot of us want the quick fix, but you'll get there slowly with time. Well, that's why I'm taking the pill.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Just think about this. In most research, we don't use the word happy. We try to eradicate points of depression. So reframe it. Instead of thinking, I don't feel happy yet, think about the points of joy. Think about, okay, did acknowledging how I felt, did that decrease stress? Because again, happiness is not this one picture. It's this plethora of feelings.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So that decreased anxiety, that's a part of happiness. That slowing down and feeling rested, that is a part of happiness. So try your best to reframe it and think about how many different points can I get in a day versus I just want to be fixed. I just want this to happen. That reframe is so powerful because my clients will come in and say, you know what?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But they weren't fitting neatly into this box because they were still going, they were still pushing through, they were still functioning. That led me to really understand the human experience in a different way. How is it that people are showing up, but they're feeling empty? What is that?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I started thinking about it in terms of points of joy and I felt good because today I was able to get three points of joy. You know, that's three more points than yesterday and build on that. And you will find that slowly over time, you will be happier.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
I bet you have a beautiful tree. I have a beautiful fake tree, yes.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And that led me to understand high functioning depression, that feeling of being numb, being meh, feeling blah, feeling as if things don't excite you anymore. And I want people to know that this is a human experience. It's happening to you. You can understand it better and you could do something about it.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Yes, my lab is focused on mental health issues anywhere from ADHD to dementia. And as a principal investigator leading teams that study phase two to phase four clinical research, we're constantly trying to work with companies to develop new medications, new therapies to address things like ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression, and
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And as a scientific, serious researcher, I know that there is something called the biopsychosocial model. Okay, hold on.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
What did you say?
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, in medical school, we all learned that certain illnesses or conditions have different components. If it were as simple, let's say, for example, as depression. If it was simple as taking a pill, none of us would ever be depressed. We just put the meds in the water and everybody would be happy-go-lucky, right? Yeah.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
But we know that it's not that simple because biologically, there are risk factors for depression. There are risk factors based on your genetics, your past family history, and certain medical conditions. And then we know psychologically there are factors based on your past trauma, your attachment style, the way that you're resilient or not, the way you cope adaptively or not.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And then the social part, which is your environment. So what are your relationships like? What is your job like? What is your school like? What are you eating? How much are you moving? Are you exposed to toxins? So it's very complicated because there are all these factors that lead to your happiness or detract from your happiness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And I wanted to democratize that because why should only medical students have access to this? Everyone should know what their bio-psycho-social is because then we have different avenues to obtaining and attaining sustainable happiness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
What is your definition of happiness? For me, feeling connected. And that goes back to my childhood. My dad was a pastor, and we would go out into the community and help people. And feeling connected to people, feeling that I'm creating...
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
purpose in this world that makes me happy and connectedness could be with my family it could be with my friends in my lab but that makes me extremely happy i mean i'm one of four siblings so i'm always around people and that energy feeds me it makes me thrive the moments in my life in my past when i've been unhappy i've been incredibly lonely and i need to feel that that connection
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Is everybody's definition different? I think so. I think some people are okay with having some loneliness here or there. I call it loneliness, but for them, it's me time, right? Right, right. For others, they need that time away from others to explore, to create, and that's okay. We all have our own idea of what makes us feel happier.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Every time you think of the word happy, just imagine, write down what you imagine happy is in your mind.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, Mel, you're healed. Like you have... You've done the work. But many people, when they think of happiness, when they're being real with themselves, they're thinking about, I have this house, I have this car, I have this partner, I have this perfect job. I feel complete. The problem with that is that once you get those things, the science shows that you're still not happy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
You're still looking for more things. And I've experienced that. I had the fancy degrees, got the marriage, got the kid, had the house, had the business, and I still felt empty. I was still looking for more. And that's an experience that a lot of people come to me with. They say, well, I don't know why I'm still not happy. But I wanted people to understand why they feel this way.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
What is the science of your happiness? There's this whole curriculum throughout America in many schools where adolescents are learning about the science of happiness, college students are learning about it, but a lot of adults don't know about it. I wanted to basically bring you back to school to understand the science of your happiness.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So in my lab, I take people through their own unique biopsychosocial and help them to understand their biology, understand their psychology and their social factors so that we can work from these three different angles to really cultivate joy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Well, the research is focused on mostly the clinical studies, but the teaching is teaching doctors at NYU how to talk to the media. Because what I found, I'm someone who is kind of like in the late game to psychiatry. I started off as an anesthesiology resident, didn't like it, found that I wasn't fulfilled, wasn't connecting to people. Dude, you've been unhappy.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
Right. Putting them to sleep and then like never seeing them again. And that's not why I went into medicine. I went in, if I'm being real with myself, to really help people and to connect people and to feel that sense of purpose, right? It's a little selfish because I feel good when I help people. Yeah. But if I never see them again, I don't get to follow up with them.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
And not only is the OR cold in temperature, but it's a cold place. It's sterile, you know? So switching to psychiatry really opened up my eyes and showed me that, you know, I had to examine my own happiness, the science of my own happiness. But with the students at NYU, I teach them how to democratize mental health.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
You know, in some parts of America, there's only one psychiatrist for every 30,000 people. Like Sometimes I struggle with 30 patients, right? Let alone 30,000. So I wanted to take that information from the lab, from science, from medicine, and teach doctors how to really deliver it in a concise, relatable way so they don't appear as the scary psychiatrist who's trying to put you on meds.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
So we're teaching people from the biopsychosocial lens how to live fuller lives, how to take care of their mental health. And then the science of my happiness lab, that really pulls all of these themes into one place. So people are learning about something I call the five Vs. Five Vs? The five Vs to thriving. So the first V is validation. The second is venting. The third is values.
The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Create the Life You Want: Lessons From the #1 Happiness Researcher
The fourth is vitals. And the last is vision. And if we tailor this... to the individual and they learn about the science of their own happiness, then they can practice these things as they go home, they can share it with their loved ones and they can continue doing the work even after they've left the lab.