Dr. Aliza Pressman
Appearances
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
I feel like discipline is so controversial, but I think of it as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. So if I had to sum it up, and I think we do think of discipline as punishment versus teaching, and it's teaching because it actually influences your growth and development. It's not just for my entertainment. Then your kids trust you a little bit more and the relationship is stronger.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
But I think the key with discipline is not being afraid of how our kids react to it and having the strength of purpose and belief that if they do have a negative reaction to it, we can love them all the way through it, but we're not going to change our minds about it. Because that's where it gets messy is that if we're talking all about how important the relationship is and then you have this
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
limit that you set, like, this is my expectation of you and your child doesn't like it. This simply like, I, you know, I take the phone away at night or the iPad or whatever. and your child is freaking out about it, then you go, well, now I've messed with the relationship. And so I guess I should, they're crying and I need to like get back in there.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
So, okay, I'll give you more time or whatever it is. And that's where we get confused. I think if parents really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that kids aren't gonna say thank you for the boundaries and limits that we set and that we set them with the intention of physical and emotional safety, about not just them, but other people. Like, we're not just raising kids in a vacuum.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
They have to move through the world and think about community and other humans. And so what's comfortable for them might not be thoughtful to other people. And so it's that balance between... be there for yourself, but also not to the extent that you can't, you know, that you're entitled and don't respect that there are other people in the world.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
I mean, there's three kind of parenting styles outside of neglectful, which is not, you know, that's a whole other thing, but there's like the permissive, which is best friend parenting. And it is so sensitive and they do like you and you can play as many video games as you want and all that's great. Except for you have no, nobody's steering the ship.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And so it actually can lead to anxiety and depression and a sense that you are too responsible for things. And the other side of it is authoritarian where it's fear-based and it's just rules. And it's just because I said so, but without the like, I know you really love doing this. And I wouldn't stop you from doing it if I didn't know that it was better for your brain or whatever.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
So that's the middle path of like authoritative where you're sensitive, but you stick with your limits and boundaries because you know that that's going to benefit your kids. Even when you have limits and rules, you want your kids to know as you're describing your mom that they have you. So if you do mess up, you can still go to them instead of being terrified.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And so that's this weird thing where it's like, here are my expectations. Also, I want to name the fact that you're going to blow it sometimes. And I want to be the person you come to. And that's something to say not when they're struggling. And I think part of the reason why it's hard to get kids to open up is because we try to get in there when they're in the center of the struggle. Yes.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
Instead of like building the vocabulary and connection outside of it. So you have the conversations and you give the language when nobody's in the heat of the moment. So that when the heat of the moment comes, they already know that they can come to you. And you can just say to them, I can tell something's going on. I'm here whenever or if ever. And then just leave space.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
A lot of times doing something with a kid who's not opening up, like going for a drive even, so they're not looking at each other, And, you know, I can't think of any sport right now because I'm not super sporty. But, you know, like playing, I'm like, what is it called when one does a game with someone? Pickleball.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
So you go play pickleball. Yeah. you're playing pickleball, it's gonna come up. But you want to just like put little tiny moments where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable, and I'm not gonna say anything. And one of the things that helps is that when your kids do tell you something, you say, thank you for telling me before you have any other reaction. And that may be your only reaction.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And then you give them a little space and then you say, is there anything I can do? Mm-hmm. With younger kids, you want to be, this is going to sound ridiculous if you don't think about animals this way, but I do. So tell me if it resonates, but you kind of want to be a dog. You're wagging your tail when you're excited to see them.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
You're always there and you're like really enthusiastic and they need that. But then as they get older, imagine you're 11 to 25 year old self, you need to be a cat.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
So you're there, you're always around. You're touching their feet. You're not overly on top of them. But if they're interested, they can come to you. But you're not going anywhere. So it's this safe thing where you're there for them, but it's not so intense. And then they have the opportunity to open up a little bit. And when they do, you don't pounce like a dog.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
You stay a cat who's like welcoming the information, but not, you know, saying, oh my God. And then, you know, cause you don't want your kids to think you can't handle my truth. So I'm not, you're not the person to tell.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
Yeah, it's terrifying.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And you are—that's why I say you're physically present. Like— I think toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody. But we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever, but you're home. Like if they're going to a party, you're home to greet them and look into their eyes. So you don't need to ask if they've been drinking.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
because you will know when you hug them and look in their eyes and you can have a conversation in a different kind of way than if you're sort of like, I'm out, you're out, you're older, you know, take an Uber, don't drive drunk. I'll see you tomorrow. So I think your presence is important, but the, the sense that you're kind of all over them verbally, you have to pull back a little bit.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And it's terrifying. But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the expectations about substances and social media and whatever, it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they need is to know that they don't have to explain it and they can just come to you and be sad. Attachment relationships are dynamic.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
So you aren't just like, it used to be, we used to think like you have a baby, you develop the secure attachment, it's like a bond and that's it. But we know now it's dynamic. And so if you have a five-year-old or a 16-year-old or a 35-year-old, you can still grow that healthy attachment relationship. So you can change. Our job is not... to fix, it's to be there.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And that's what secure attachment is. Even in your adult relationships, it's like, who can sit with me through all of these experiences, through these feelings? Because the idea of being happy isn't really about always being happy. It's about knowing you can come back from whatever it is that you're going through and you will be happy again.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And if our kids experience the range of things that come their way and they know that they have someone sort of sitting by their side, they end up in this relationship that is securely attached and it's not like one and done. And if it didn't, you know, that's the thing that I think is the trickiest is feeling like I'm responsible for my child's constant happiness.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
I have to feel ashamed if I wasn't there for every moment or if I couldn't fix that feeling, which you can't, as you know. And I think sometimes people feel like they're maybe better or worse at different stages. And so there's this assumption that we're going to kind of know what to do. The idea that you do come home from the hospital and you're just like, Okay, I guess.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
I just feel like in adulthood, this happens all the time. I remember just the first time I was in my 20s and I had my own apartment and I was like, wait, I can just decide what I'm doing. I can open a bottle of wine. There were things that I still was like, it's bizarre.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Jay’s Must Listens: What Every Parent Needs to Hear Right Now—How to Raise Confident & Emotionally Strong Kids (Ft. Dr. Amen & Kim Kardashian)
And now that I'm the last person in charge of whatever and there's nobody that I'm supposed to ask and I can make a decision, I'm still kind of like, Is that okay? And so the idea that you're just like in charge of raising a whole human being or more is really daunting. And we all kind of think everybody else knows. We don't know.