Craig Baxter
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
I don't have to... You guys, how you doing? You guys, everybody from Austin? We got foreigners here? What do we got? The guy on the plane doesn't even follow comedy. He's like, this is the place to be. Then I get here, the odds are like eight million to one to be on here. I'm from a small town, man. I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show. They don't even fit.
They're like falling out of the front doors over there. What do we got here tonight? We got how many single people we got? We got a couple. How many married people? All right, one group has hope. That's cool. You guys, you ever see underwear in your trash skip work and file for divorce? My family left it down by the road.
The neighbors are walking their dog, calling 911 about the bodies buried next door, you know? They're posting pics on Facebook like, hashtag graves next door. Hashtag milk carton kids. Mystery solved. Hashtag time to move.
Yeah, well, Erie, PA, there's not much.
Quality control, food industry.
I'm checking grape juice. I used to work with salt, all kinds of stuff.
What are those hobbies? Cycling, cross-country skiing, triathlons.
Well, yeah, I'm getting old, but yeah.
You know, you'll probably enjoy this. The eye doctor, I went in for LASIK. He said, I can't even fix this. He wasn't even, he said, I've been doing this 30 years. Nothing I can do.
I think four, but that's just because I know you have a whole hand. Okay, let's try it again. How about now?
Yeah, that's a good choice, actually. LAUGHTER Maybe I should have gone to Miami. I thought Austin was the place, but you know.
No, but that's one of my jokes. I was going to do it, but I ran out of time. Go right ahead. Hey, you guys.
Well, that's the start of the joke.
You guys on eHarmony, Match.com, or Tinder? Yeah. I'm not a stalker. One in four people has a profile, none of them here. That's plausible. You know what I like about the dating ads? I like when women are honest, you know? When they're like, if you're married with kids and here to cheat, keep in mind, I'm a leper. That's a chick I want to hang out with. She's spunky, you know?
Oh, my goodness. Wait, was that your impression of a black guy? That's my about to get an ass kicked as a white guy.
To be honest, it was like hiking. That didn't really go anywhere.
I heard on Facebook she did. Okay.
In Erie. Have you seen the people in Erie? Man, we've got like depression, snow, and diabetes.
Well, before my eyes went bad. I had contacts for a couple years, that was good. Let's go back to the question. Okay. Let's try it again here.
Yeah. And what about that?
Yeah, well, friend from the sports. Okay. Yeah. All right. Good-looking triathlete girl, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, those are my boobs, Craig. It's all about the tongue.
It's all about rhythm.