Craig Baxter
Appearances
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I don't have to... You guys, how you doing? You guys, everybody from Austin? We got foreigners here? What do we got? The guy on the plane doesn't even follow comedy. He's like, this is the place to be. Then I get here, the odds are like eight million to one to be on here. I'm from a small town, man. I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show. They don't even fit.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
They're like falling out of the front doors over there. What do we got here tonight? We got how many single people we got? We got a couple. How many married people? All right, one group has hope. That's cool. You guys, you ever see underwear in your trash skip work and file for divorce? My family left it down by the road.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
The neighbors are walking their dog, calling 911 about the bodies buried next door, you know? They're posting pics on Facebook like, hashtag graves next door. Hashtag milk carton kids. Mystery solved. Hashtag time to move.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I'm checking grape juice. I used to work with salt, all kinds of stuff.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
What are those hobbies? Cycling, cross-country skiing, triathlons.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You know, you'll probably enjoy this. The eye doctor, I went in for LASIK. He said, I can't even fix this. He wasn't even, he said, I've been doing this 30 years. Nothing I can do.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I think four, but that's just because I know you have a whole hand. Okay, let's try it again. How about now?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, that's a good choice, actually. LAUGHTER Maybe I should have gone to Miami. I thought Austin was the place, but you know.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
No, but that's one of my jokes. I was going to do it, but I ran out of time. Go right ahead. Hey, you guys.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
You guys on eHarmony, Match.com, or Tinder? Yeah. I'm not a stalker. One in four people has a profile, none of them here. That's plausible. You know what I like about the dating ads? I like when women are honest, you know? When they're like, if you're married with kids and here to cheat, keep in mind, I'm a leper. That's a chick I want to hang out with. She's spunky, you know?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my goodness. Wait, was that your impression of a black guy? That's my about to get an ass kicked as a white guy.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
To be honest, it was like hiking. That didn't really go anywhere.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
In Erie. Have you seen the people in Erie? Man, we've got like depression, snow, and diabetes.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, before my eyes went bad. I had contacts for a couple years, that was good. Let's go back to the question. Okay. Let's try it again here.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, well, friend from the sports. Okay. Yeah. All right. Good-looking triathlete girl, yeah.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah. Yeah, those are my boobs, Craig. It's all about the tongue.