Carly Rose

I always hear people talk about being the personality hire at their job, but I'm disabled, so I do not work. But I was the personality hire at my children's hospital. And that's a lot to ask of a dying 13-year-old. Morale is super low, and my jokes just don't kill like cancer on the sixth floor. But honestly, being disabled's not that bad. I come with built-in party tricks.

I have two different options for body shots. And I also don't need any alcohol to black out. I'm really easy to date rape. You just have to make me stand still for five minutes and I will hit the fucking floor.

Not very long.

Well, I've been working around comedy for about three years. I worked at a venue out in Satellite Beach, Florida.

It's a record store.

And then I started comedy photography, and then I got into doing stand-up.

I've done it like a handful of times, like four times.

Just wanted to give it a shot.

Yeah, thank you for my disability. I love my 900 a month.

That was my next question. It's from a feeding tube.

Nope. My stomach's paralyzed, so I don't digest properly or absorb nutrients properly, so I'm just perma-skinny.

I bake a lot and I sing.

Karaoke.

I like Crazy by Gnarls Barkley.

Can I just start whenever?

Kind of, yeah.

Yeah, I just feel like I'm going to pass.

I used to get in trouble for eating Jolly Ranchers because when you drain it, it looks like blood.

No, but I did do a shot once directly through my feeding tube, because why would you want to taste it?

Yeah, just like white gummy bear shot. Yeah.

Well, that's what they said when I took the tube out myself.

I can't say I have. I can't say I have.

One day.

No. No. But I did get my uterus removed and that has been very fun sexually because there's just no worries anymore.

All of my illnesses are genetic and I just felt like it was a responsible decision to not pass this shit on.

How long ago?

It was actually last year, Friday the 13th in October. Wow.

Thank you.

I used to have a lot of pain with sex, so there's none of that. And I knew I wanted to move to Texas and obviously the whole abortion thing here. So it's really nice to not have to worry about that ever. You can't get me pregnant. It's great.

Sorry to disappoint. I have a boyfriend. There's already someone loading shit in there.

He's a comic.

He works at a dispensary as well.

No, I'm like a bank.

I'm more like a bank than a dispensary because you make deposits. Gotcha.