Bruce DeTore
Appearances
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, that's right. Suck it in, ladies. This is what Jeff Bezos would look like without any money. This is the improved me. I've lost 60 pounds, but I didn't get the results I wanted. I ended up with loose skin. I wanted a tight-toned stomach. I ended up with a belly that looks like a used grocery bag. Yeah, you know. If my body was an amusement park, it would be six red flags. Yeah. You know?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And everything's going crazy now. Everybody's like, oh, fuck, Trump's in office. But, you know, I'm looking forward to it. Because, quite frankly, I like Hispanic women. With all this talk of deportation, there's got to be somebody cute out there that wants a green card. You know? He just renamed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. I can't wait to see what he does next.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
There's a body of water that borders the west coast of this great country. We're going to call it The Great American Ocean. What are you gonna call the one on the other side? The Other American Ocean, that's what we call it.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I used to be an automotive and now I'm just pursuing comedy and mooching off my trust fund. Okay. How much do you have in the trust fund? How much do you have saved up in your trust fund? I basically live on about $2,500 a month.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I get like a monthly stipend and then what little bit I make off of comedy and stuff. A little bit of acting here and there.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No, he's still around. It'll be way better when he goes. Okay, that makes sense. I love you, Dad. I know you're not watching, but I love you. Please stick around. That makes sense.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Oh, I'll tell you the closest I've ever been to marriage was I was going to ask a girl, I said, I need to ask you a question. She said, dear God, please don't ask me to marry you. That wasn't the question. The question was, have you been cheating on me? And she did say yes. Why do you think she was cheating on you? Because she was a fucking piece of shit. She introduced me to the guy, too.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
She's like, you've got to come meet this guy. He looks exactly like you. Did he look exactly like you? He was a little taller, but apparently he wasn't as good as in bed because he called me later to complain that he couldn't make her cum.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Just work the tongue just desperately until they either tell you to stop or such a good enough actress you believe they're not faking.