Brian Smith
Appearances
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Keep it going for the best band in the entire fucking world, guys. Oh, man. So I don't do a lot of race jokes, but when I do, I want to make sure a certain percentage of the audience laughs. I call it the three-fifths compromise. A lot of people read history here. So I like, I still like Michael Jackson's music. I try to separate the monster from the artist.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Had a little fun thought experiment the other day. What if the only part of Michael Jackson's body he didn't bleach was his asshole? Do you think that's how he got the kids in the van? It's like, oh, I got a little Hershey's Kiss back here, come on. Could you imagine being seven years old? You're at Neverland Ranch meeting your hero. You've been playing Galaga all day.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And then Michael Jackson's like, come on back. I want to show you something. He bends over at the waist and spreads his ass cheeks. And it's like white guy, white guy, white guy, Luther Vandross. White guy, white guy, white guy. My name is Brian Smith. Thank you so much. Oh my God.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
In my defense, I'm real out of shape and had to run across the street, which is the most running I've ever done. You had to run? Yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, he was just moving very quickly, and I had to do that to keep up. He was walking.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I mean, what is that? What's up with you? Probably high blood pressure and a lot of drinking, Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, it turns out it gets worse the older you get. How old are you? 38.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I wasn't blessed enough to be born with melanin, so I'm just hideously drunk all the time. Okay. So, hold on.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Every now and again, I get really, really baked and do yard karate. You look baked.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Can I get some karate music? Anyone got a fucking, like... What's the thing you take if you have an inhaler? Very good. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So one of my coworkers and I had this game we liked to play called Get AIDS. And so we would take a Post-it note that said Get AIDS on it and hide it around our store. And our boss found it, and I got blamed.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Because I told my boss to get AIDS, like, earlier that week.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I disagreed with the decision she made, and I told her to get AIDS.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I am loyal to the soil. No, I love the company, but no, she was trying to get us to do, like, a stupid report at the end of every day, and it was stupid and for no reason, so I told her to get AIDS. Okay. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, I've got a little nest egg. My rent's paid up through April. How much is in the nest egg? I'm always... After drinking at Poor Choices tonight, a lot less. But it's like $1,400.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Uh, so I went through a breakup last month that was pretty bad. Oh, I bet you did. Let's talk about that. And believe it or not, I did the breaking up.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Adult acne, yeah, I guess. You've always had it? I can't afford a fucking doctor. Right. No, I've had it for, it's been like 10 years. It's been bad. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I'm pretty sure mine is I used to work outdoors and I thought sunscreen was gay. Right. Right. And that'll do it every time, white people. Okay. All right. So let's go back to this break. All right, yeah.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We were together about nine, ten months. Okay. Pretty long relationship.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, yeah. Yep, perfect. Bigger than me. Okay, there you go. I like them large. Okay. But, yeah, we got in a huge fight. Hold on, Andrew.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Back to the breakup. Back to the breakup. Okay. Um, so yeah, we got in a huge fight. What was the fight about? Let me guess. You told her to get AIDS. Yeah. No. What was the fight about? Uh, the fight was about, we, uh, had like, had a disagreement about some money and then she expected me to read her mind and then started acting like a teenager. So I was like, nah, I'm cutting it loose.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Like she started like being like vague booking about it and shit. And I was like, now we're done. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
All right. I love that you think that. I know. But she also, like, during that time, she was bipolar and went off her meds at the same time, said the most heinous thing I've ever had anyone tell me to. I've been trying to sign up for the show a lot, been here twice. She said, you're not funny enough to make it, but you are ugly enough to make it on Kill Tony, so good luck.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. You're right, I should call her. I should call her. Okay. All right.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, the breakup, the losing my job, the very heavy bender I've been on since Wednesday.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I start drinking at like 11 in the morning. Oh, my God. What do you start with? Miller Lite, usually your Lone Star. Okay.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, I don't drink at work. Oh, wow. Except for this job. Except for doing comedy. But no, I don't drink at work. But yeah, I would get off of work at like 3, 4 in the afternoon, come home. And a little shot.