Andrew Dice Clay
Appearances
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You know what, Tony? You know what, I should have, I mean, number one, let's hear it for Tony Hengecliff, he's unreal. But, you know, and I know it's New Year's Eve. I mean, I saw The Undertaker. I fucked them. But the thing is this, Tony, I am a little upset. I'm just kidding. I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You know when you carry something, you know, Joe? When something's bothering you? And I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my chest, it's really gonna bother me, and I won't be able to do anything for you, because I'm getting ready for the show, right? And I tell her all the time, because I follow a list.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I put things like, fingerless gloves I stole from Dick's Sporting Goods. Check. And I tell her, don't make any noise when I follow the list, but she makes a noise. And I come over and I tell her, it's nice as you, shut up. I go back to the list. Shoes by Ferragamo. She makes another noise. It gets a little more severe, I'm telling you the truth.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
You know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go, you know, shut the fuck up. I mean, you understand. If somebody said that to you, you would understand it, right? She makes another noise. And I'm just going to out myself to this crowd because I'm just sick inside and I've been sitting backstage for a while. And I come over to her and...
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And with one hand, I'm just, I can't lie, I just can't do it. And with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash her on the fucking ground. And now she's in fucking pieces. You know, I got Alexa during the pandemical. And everything was beautiful back then. I don't know, I'd come out of the room in the morning, I'd go, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away. Thank you. Alexa, check the coffee timer for five minutes. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Alexa, what's the weather like outside? Oh, it's sunny with a few clouds in the sky. And about eight months ago it starts, right? I come out, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. She starts playing some fucking rock and roll shit.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Nothing. Tell him in the shower, 20 minutes later, and she starts, beep, beep, beep, beep, hoping I slip and break my fucking hip. Why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys? I know that would have never been a problem. Anthony, play Frank Sinatra radio. Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Anthony, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Dice, you only gotta tell me one fucking time. I'm not fucking Alexa, me and you, we're the same. Go take your fucking shower, and if you wanna know the weather, look out the fucking window. And here we are, fucking New Year's Eve. This is the night. Let me tell you, this is one load at a time, fellas.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Everybody gets to shoot their moose juice all over you tonight. That's what it's all about. And tonight, it's not just about a quick bang. It's about being a fucking mechanic. Walk around the bed, pal. Take a good look at her and what she's wearing. Be a mechanic. Move the tongue to the side. Nice beefy clam chops between her legs. You get on missionary. Why? Why would you get on missionary?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Just to break a sweat. Loosen the back muscles, the back of your legs, get on your toes, dig in a little. Now when you break a sweat, you grab it by your ankle, pull it to the edge of the bed caddy corner. It's the best fucking workout in the world. You're doing the screwdriver. You're working your shoulders, your tris, your bi's. It's incredible. Now you're gonna do your fucking squats.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Hold on to that fucking ankle. But on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink lip lagoon. On the sixth time down, my friend, you missed the pink lip lagoon and your tongue goes in a whole other area.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And when your tongue goes in her asshole... By the way, the asshole they used to hide from us with extra long pussy hairs, and today they take it to the salon, they get it bleached out, buffed out, put a little studded fucking earring in there. So when your tongue goes in there, what does a chick do? They all look to the left. They're all like... Did he do what I think he just did?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And then the show begins. Ass, putty, ass, putty. Tick, tick, tick. And go putty, putty, putty. Ass. Ass. Like you're honking a horn. Ass. Ass. Then you pick up the tempo. Ass, putty, ass, putty, ass, putty. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Tick, tick, tick. Putty, putty, putty, putty, putty. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And I learned all of that from all of my mom's best fucking friends. And that's where you are on New Year's Eve. I just came out. And I heard when you yelled that out. I heard it. But I don't know if these people would know the Mother Goose stuff. So, you know. I'm not gonna stand up here unless I really hear that you fucking know this. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Eating her curds and whey. Long came a spidey, sat down beside. He said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! Jack and Jill went up to hell, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50. Oh! Little boy blew. He needed the money. Oh! Hickory dickory dock. This chick was sucking my cock. The clock struck two. I dropped my goo. I dumped a bitch on the next block. Oh!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Oh, mother hubby went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone. She bent over. Rover took over. Oh, she got a bone of her own. You've been a great crowd. God bless. Happy fucking New Year's. I love you, Austin. Thank you, Tony. I love you. Good night.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
What are the drones? There were no drones. It was Snooki's Uber Eats order. It was your son, wasn't it? Where are you from? Austin. What's your favorite movie?