Amanda Doyle

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

Wow.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

I don't know about y'all, but after the holiday rush, I can get a little glum. That's when I love treating myself to something special. But I do not break the bank. And that's where Quince comes in. May I please have the honor of introducing you to the Comfort

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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I love your both and strategy. I am sensitive and you are not calling me back. I am a very high strung person. And you're not pulling your weight because it's so easy to accept the invitation into this parallel argument where you're never going to have your needs met on the thing you originally brought. So it's a really nice way to be like, you're exactly right.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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And also, let's continue to talk about your thing.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Well, it depends how far along I was. Originally, I'd be like, you're crazy. You have misconstrued that situation. That is not what it is. But a little farther in, it would be, wait, tell me what happened. Wait, who? Maybe I should go ask my friend if that's what I was doing. I think, okay, I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. And then progressing to the point where I would proactively say,

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Get in front of it. I'm sorry for that thing that I didn't do.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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You just become smaller and smaller.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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I think it was that thing that you're talking about of the, a good person and good woman seeks to empathize and seeks to understand the other perspective. And I love him. So I don't want to upset him. And so this is clearly upsetting to him. So whether or not I'm intending or actually doing this thing has very little to do with whether he's upset.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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So I just need to change my behavior so that he doesn't get upset.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Can I ask you what the difference is between gaslighting and then two people who are in a relationship that just have a different perspective? I think part of the issue here is what seems like subtlety and like, oh, are we not allowed to have a different perspective or else we're deemed to be gaslighting? What is the hallmark of gaslighting that differentiates it from that?

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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I think of it like a tug of war where the gaslighter is pulling on this side and saying, you're ridiculous. That doesn't make sense. You never make sense. You're paranoid. And if you are pulling saying, no, I'm not here. Let me prove it to you. I'm not. Let me show you. Then that is what keeps the connection there. Whereas if the gaslightee was just like,

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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you're nuts, I don't know what you're talking about, and let go, there would be no more connection there. There would be no more of the thing that the gaslighter needs, which is to keep you hanging on, to keep you pulling.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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And often you think you're devoted to the person, but you're actually more devoted in the relationship to the perception of yourself as good and sane.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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So you realize that you can actually take that with you. You're not losing as much in letting go of the relationship as you think you stand to lose, which you think is your whole perception of yourself.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Yeah, we get caught in the question of whether we are justified in feeling bad as opposed to just saying, do I feel bad? And if I feel bad, it doesn't matter.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Maybe I'm crazy. I'm a goddamn cheetah. That's it. Robin, is there a way that you could run through the three types of gaslighters for us? Because I had never heard about the Glamour gaslighter. And I think that people are probably in their heads seeing the Intimidator gaslighter, but I think the other two are really illuminating for folks.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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And the way you described that was so huge to me because, okay, so we got the good guy. He agrees to go. Fine, we'll go to your mom's. We'll go to your mom's. He goes to your mom's. He sits there.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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pouty stone-faced in the corner and doesn't interact with anyone then you can tell he's not engaging he's not having a good time get in the car pretend like nothing's wrong you say what the heck with that he says what are you talking about what are you talking about it's never good enough for you i agree to go to your mom's I sit there, you are projecting this stuff that I didn't have fun.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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I sat there and I enjoyed myself and it's never good enough for you. So you can't ever put your finger on the actual receipt for why you feel upset. So you feel even crazier because it's unprovable.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Yeah. Because you're like, I can't explain it. It's just his energy. And then the glamour one, it is so subtle too, because the person who's showing up and quote unquote doing things for you, but they are not connected with what you need or want or even the way that you feel.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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Yes. They're more about that person's perception of themselves and what a good partner would do as opposed to meeting you anywhere where you are. So again, you're in the therapist's office being like, I don't know. I'm kind of just really pissed at my person because they just brought me flowers.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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And you feel like a complete crazy person because what you really wanted was them to just sit with you and talk with you. But somehow things aren't lining up and you can never, ever put your hands on what the thing is.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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We did an episode where we were talking about my relationships over time. And one of the things I talked about is how in one of my relationships, I found myself in this absolutely don't know how I got here, insane place where I would literally call my boyfriend and leave him voicemails telling him that I had cursed.

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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I was confessing to him in some kind of like, I don't know, plea to absolve me and say that I was okay and good. And I don't know how the hell I got there. And after reading your book, I now see it very clearly what was happening to get me to that absolutely extreme place. Can you tell us how it looks in relationships when this happens? What is it not?

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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What is gaslighting concretely in a relationship?

We Can Do Hard Things

Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)

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It does. It really does. The whole going from the place where it's, you're flirting with that person, going from the place where you're like, that is preposterous. Like you don't have a healthy perception of what's going on versus slowly to the place where you accept, oh no, I must not have a healthy perception of what's going on.

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