Amanda Doyle
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
Yes. Well, there was this 12 month period in which Glennon was diagnosed with anorexia. Abby lost her beloved brother, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And usually we're, like, one of us is sane at the time. Right. One is a good ratio for us out of the three. But this, we were all out. And so we were, like...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
In that period, it was so tough, but we were having these, like, brief glimpses of, like, clarity and wisdom. You know how when you go through something, like, super hard, and it sucks, but you're like, ah, I have, I understand something differently. I, like, have some clarity in my life.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
But then you, like, stub your toe, and then you are, like, yelling at your husband again, and your kids are never gonna make it in the wild, and you forget everything you know. And so when we got to a place of stability, we were like, we would like to get to a place where we can not unlearn what we knew, however briefly. And so we wrote it down.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
And a lot of the wisdom that we got from a lot of the people that have been on the podcast, and there are just a lot of stories that help us to remember what we actually know, but we forget when we stub our toe and stuff.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
I feel like it's sort of the same reason we share everything that we share. I feel like we're all having struggles in our lives. we think they're personal failings. We think if we're struggling at work or in our families or with a health thing, it's like this private shame that we have because we don't talk about it with each other.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
We don't realize that when we talk to each other about it, that kind of private struggle becomes revealed. It's just a universal condition.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
And for me, I guess, I really believe that if we're able to share, whether with friends or family or, you know, with several million people on a podcast or a book, that we will see that, like, the things we think are private failings are not, and we can move out of shame and into solution. And if not solution, at least solidarity. At least, like, I, that...
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
also me and so for that's how I feel about sharing everything and for the breast cancer specifically women need to know the truth about their bodies and I feel like we live in this world where it's like There's all kinds of talk about breasts all the time. But we don't know actually about our breasts. We don't know what we need to know about our own health. And that is gate-kept from us.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
And so when you gatekeep information, you lose actual wisdom. And so my desire to share about my experience was to actually try to connect with people who are going through that and try to give them information that can help save their lives. And we don't... And also, if you don't know the density of your breasts, find out. If you have extremely dense breasts, do not just settle for a mammogram.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
Demand an MRI.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
There.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Canada PM Friend-Zones Trump & Real ID Brings Out the Karens | Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach & Amanda Doyle
We did it. Good job on moving on.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
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We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
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We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Plus, Quince only works with factories that prioritize ethical, responsible manufacturing. Treat yourself this winter without the luxury price tag. Go to quince.com slash hard things for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash hard things to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash hard things.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
I love your both and strategy. I am sensitive and you are not calling me back. I am a very high strung person. And you're not pulling your weight because it's so easy to accept the invitation into this parallel argument where you're never going to have your needs met on the thing you originally brought. So it's a really nice way to be like, you're exactly right.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
And also, let's continue to talk about your thing.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Well, it depends how far along I was. Originally, I'd be like, you're crazy. You have misconstrued that situation. That is not what it is. But a little farther in, it would be, wait, tell me what happened. Wait, who? Maybe I should go ask my friend if that's what I was doing. I think, okay, I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. And then progressing to the point where I would proactively say,
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Get in front of it. I'm sorry for that thing that I didn't do.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
You just become smaller and smaller.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
I think it was that thing that you're talking about of the, a good person and good woman seeks to empathize and seeks to understand the other perspective. And I love him. So I don't want to upset him. And so this is clearly upsetting to him. So whether or not I'm intending or actually doing this thing has very little to do with whether he's upset.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
So I just need to change my behavior so that he doesn't get upset.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Can I ask you what the difference is between gaslighting and then two people who are in a relationship that just have a different perspective? I think part of the issue here is what seems like subtlety and like, oh, are we not allowed to have a different perspective or else we're deemed to be gaslighting? What is the hallmark of gaslighting that differentiates it from that?
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
I think of it like a tug of war where the gaslighter is pulling on this side and saying, you're ridiculous. That doesn't make sense. You never make sense. You're paranoid. And if you are pulling saying, no, I'm not here. Let me prove it to you. I'm not. Let me show you. Then that is what keeps the connection there. Whereas if the gaslightee was just like,
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
you're nuts, I don't know what you're talking about, and let go, there would be no more connection there. There would be no more of the thing that the gaslighter needs, which is to keep you hanging on, to keep you pulling.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
And often you think you're devoted to the person, but you're actually more devoted in the relationship to the perception of yourself as good and sane.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
So you realize that you can actually take that with you. You're not losing as much in letting go of the relationship as you think you stand to lose, which you think is your whole perception of yourself.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Yeah, we get caught in the question of whether we are justified in feeling bad as opposed to just saying, do I feel bad? And if I feel bad, it doesn't matter.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Maybe I'm crazy. I'm a goddamn cheetah. That's it. Robin, is there a way that you could run through the three types of gaslighters for us? Because I had never heard about the Glamour gaslighter. And I think that people are probably in their heads seeing the Intimidator gaslighter, but I think the other two are really illuminating for folks.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
And the way you described that was so huge to me because, okay, so we got the good guy. He agrees to go. Fine, we'll go to your mom's. We'll go to your mom's. He goes to your mom's. He sits there.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
pouty stone-faced in the corner and doesn't interact with anyone then you can tell he's not engaging he's not having a good time get in the car pretend like nothing's wrong you say what the heck with that he says what are you talking about what are you talking about it's never good enough for you i agree to go to your mom's I sit there, you are projecting this stuff that I didn't have fun.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
I sat there and I enjoyed myself and it's never good enough for you. So you can't ever put your finger on the actual receipt for why you feel upset. So you feel even crazier because it's unprovable.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Yeah. Because you're like, I can't explain it. It's just his energy. And then the glamour one, it is so subtle too, because the person who's showing up and quote unquote doing things for you, but they are not connected with what you need or want or even the way that you feel.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
Yes. They're more about that person's perception of themselves and what a good partner would do as opposed to meeting you anywhere where you are. So again, you're in the therapist's office being like, I don't know. I'm kind of just really pissed at my person because they just brought me flowers.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
And you feel like a complete crazy person because what you really wanted was them to just sit with you and talk with you. But somehow things aren't lining up and you can never, ever put your hands on what the thing is.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
We did an episode where we were talking about my relationships over time. And one of the things I talked about is how in one of my relationships, I found myself in this absolutely don't know how I got here, insane place where I would literally call my boyfriend and leave him voicemails telling him that I had cursed.
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
I was confessing to him in some kind of like, I don't know, plea to absolve me and say that I was okay and good. And I don't know how the hell I got there. And after reading your book, I now see it very clearly what was happening to get me to that absolutely extreme place. Can you tell us how it looks in relationships when this happens? What is it not?
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
What is gaslighting concretely in a relationship?
We Can Do Hard Things
Are You Being Gaslighted? with Dr. Robin Stern (Best Of)
It does. It really does. The whole going from the place where it's, you're flirting with that person, going from the place where you're like, that is preposterous. Like you don't have a healthy perception of what's going on versus slowly to the place where you accept, oh no, I must not have a healthy perception of what's going on.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
I don't know about y'all, but after the holiday rush, I can get a little glum. That's when I love treating myself to something special. But I do not break the bank. And that's where Quince comes in. May I please have the honor of introducing you to the comfort
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
stretch trench coat at quince the average retail on this beauty is 228 dollars but quince's version with five star average reviews is under 100 bucks what i love about quince is how they make everyday luxuries so affordable all their pieces are priced 50 to 80 percent less than other high-end brands because they partner directly with top factories cutting out the middleman
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Plus, Quince only works with factories that prioritize ethical, responsible manufacturing. Treat yourself this winter without the luxury price tag. Go to quince.com slash hard things for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash hard things to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash hard things. Can you even believe it?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Christmas and Hanukkah are right here, right now, happening. If you're like me, you've probably waited a tad bit too long to start your shopping. And it's okay. Macy's has you covered. At Macy's, the holiday countdown sale is here. From December 16th to December 19th, you can shop amazing deals on cashmere, coats, jewelry, watches, shoes, boots, and so much more.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
It's the perfect time to get the holiday shopping done. And hey, why not treat yourself while you're at it? I'm checking off my list with a, don't tell Abby, a fabulous Levi's flight bomber jacket. She's going to look so good in it, 30% off. And for Alice, a Columbia shuttle mountain insulated jacket that will last forever. all winter long, also 30% off.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
And the best part, you'll get free shipping on orders starting at $25. So don't wait. Head over to Macy's.com or visit your local Macy's and get ready to save big before the holiday rush. Macy's Holiday Countdown Sale, December 16th to 19th. Shop now and make the season shine.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Which is why that self-awareness is the first step to any healing is because it all comes from that center core.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Alex, that idea of. of joy or the will to be alive as being healing. You said that the often what scares us most is not having that lingering feeling of suffering, waiting for the shoe to drop. So when we're in a place of not healing, is it that we feel so comfortable in the suffering that anything that feels like alive is so different and uncomfortable? That strikes me as so terribly true.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Like you said, it's never ending. Yeah, absolutely. Intentional. Being intentional, to me, as I was reading your work, I was like, that's it. That's the whole ballgame. Because it feels like when you are growing up, again, you have these... automatic survival responses to get you through it. And you can live your whole damn life that way.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
The whole way through, you could just keep operating on like your system default coding. But it's when those moments where you look and you say like, no, I want to do something on purpose. I don't want to do something because it's coded. I want to take an intentional action.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Like when your baby was born and you suddenly had the mirror of her reflection back at you and you said, no, I'm going to do something on purpose now. When you met Ryan and you were like, no, I, my coding says, hell no, run, run, red alert. I'm going to on purpose choose you.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
What are our daily on purpose intentional acts that aren't based on survival, but are based on our choice to do and act a certain way to lead our lives? What are those daily practices that we can begin doing? to have ease even in the act of being intentional because that is an odd place to be if you've just been reacting to coding your whole life.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Damn, Alexelle. You talked a little bit, Alex, earlier about self-soothing. Can we talk a little bit more about that? Because it's so fascinating to me.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
And rocking yourself. We view self-soothing as for some reason, it's this thing that is appropriate for the first two years of life. And then miraculously it's not appropriate anymore as opposed to an absolutely vital tool to have for all of life.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
So the question becomes, what are your self-soothing strategies? Yes. And if your answer to that is, is I don't know or I don't have them, your actual true answer is you are having unhealthy self-soothing strategies. Because if you don't know what they are, then you're the asshole at the meeting. No, no, no, no. They exist. Everyone has them. It's not a question of do you have them or do you not?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
It's are you aware of your self soothing strategies. And if you're not aware of what they are, you might want to, again, Alex L says, be intentional about choosing some that will work for you instead of defaulting to the ones you're no doubt already using. Because I don't know what mine are. So that definitely means it's probably working too much. It's probably being snarky and mean.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
It's probably, you know, so I know I have them, but I have to like take a hot minute and really think through what they are and think about intentionally replacing some of them.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Just the tears. Alex, you say about crying, give it life and let it go. So is the crying itself giving life to whatever it is you're healing or mourning?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Alex, all of your work is about intergenerational healing, communal healing, and you are raising three Black girls in this... world in this country, what do you want most for them to be able to release? And what do you want most for them to be able to receive?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
I think it's like go for a walk or take a breath. Or cry. Do one thing intentionally. There you go. Just pick one thing to do with intention today and you will have started your healing. That's right.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Can we talk about that healing of lineage? Because your personal story... is really remarkable in that your mother and your grandmother lived in survival mode in raising the next generation. And then you were determined to break that cycle and found yourself pregnant by the time you were 18. And everything would have pointed to you continuing on the same cycle. What was it like?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
in you that was so dramatic as to overcome all the myriad reasons why that cycle should have continued?
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
Yes. Yes. You talk also about growing up about how you learned not by just what you saw, but what you did not see. You said you were taught to hide and to be fearful and you were taught to be unhappy. And no one was telling you that, but you saw it by watching how the women who raised you behaved. And you said this, which I think is so beautiful.
We Can Do Hard Things
How to Heal with Alex Elle (Best of)
You said, it's hard to feel like you're coming from a loving home. When all the women in your life were just trying to survive, all you saw was survival. You didn't see joy. Is that what your mom was doing? And if so, is there any healing that can be done when you are just in survival mode?