Allison Holker
Appearances
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I usually point out the things I need the help the most with. When it comes to beauty or feeling like I'm worthy or feeling like I deserve the love coming my way or feeling like I'm a good mother or making the right choices in my life, am I going down the right career path? I usually affirm to myself every single morning the things I'm struggling with the hardest.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But it's a choice to actively say those affirmations and convince yourself to believe it is a real skill set. Do you look in the mirror when you say them? Yes. You do. I do every morning. Do you make eye contact with yourself? It's important to do that. I used to just write the affirmations I am, I have, and I deserve. I used to do one page of all affirmations. You know, I am strong. I am smart.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But if I can be brave enough to speak out, maybe I can help someone else be brave enough to speak out for themselves. I was taken advantage of. I blamed myself for years. I must have done something wrong, and I felt so much shame in who I was. And if I would have just spoke out for myself, maybe I could have built myself back up and helped other young girls too, to not let that happen.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I am beautiful. I am kind. I have loving kids. I have support system. And I go down these whole lists and I used to only write them down. But in order to believe it, you have to see yourself saying it to yourself and you have to say it with a smile on your face and you have to see it and believe it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And so now I say it when I'm getting ready in the morning, which is why I love doing my hair and makeup every morning, because it's really my affirmations and like my gratitude moments. So saying and talking to myself and pumping myself up because you have to be your own advocate. You have to be your own hero.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
You have to be your own biggest supporter, you know, because no one else is going to do all that work for you. You have to do it for yourself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
but it was really hard and it was a struggle for me doing when i was growing up and so i find that even as an adult i do sometimes struggle with it and i think we should be more honest about it there are days are so hard to look yourself in the mirror be like i'm amazing you know and i actually recently had a conversation with my friend and she was like i love myself and i was like i was kind of like taken back by that and she was like have you never told yourself you love yourself
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And she's like, I know you love affirmations, but have you ever told yourself you love yourself? And I was like, no, I had never done that. So that's actually the newest thing that I've added to my affirmations in the morning is I end it with, I love me. I love myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I know that sounds crazy, but I had not done that until about this last year because I wasn't a bit of a low, you know, with the-
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
You know, I do still struggle as an adult, especially with the kind of grief I went through the last couple of years with me and my children. Like I... Even though I have been doing affirmations and, you know, been so independent my whole life since childhood and taking care of myself with the kind of grief I went through, it broke me for a second.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I feel like I had to go back down to ground zero and rebuild that strength in me. I had to rebuild that confidence. I had to rebuild confidence. who I am sitting in this chair to this day. And it took a lot of work and it took not just myself work, but it took a lot of commitment from my friends and family around me, really supporting me and lifting me up and therapy, a lot of therapy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But I'm proud of that work. And I never stopped doing those things. Even on my hardest days, I was like, I have to stick to it. And then I, of course, added some other tools into my repertoire that really, really helped that were a little bit more physical. Because I think mentally I had these affirmations I was doing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And now my friend telling me, which I only started doing that about a year ago, that I love myself. And it felt crazy. The first time I said I love myself felt insane. But I even did it with like the hands because I was like, I'm going to do it. to scream it out loud to myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
When I had my daughter, I realized that I need to build her up to like, if anything ever happened to her, come to someone, come to me, come to someone you feel safe with and say, this was wrong.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
So I've added these things, not just with the spiritual and the mental aspect, but I've also added cold plunging to my life and sitting in my sauna. And it has just been such a game changer for me. And I think what I often tell people is like, how did you get so much self-confidence? And I was like, it was from self-dedication.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I have so many things that are non-negotiables that I do in my life now that I commit to. And that, even those little things you commit to doing daily, they're little wins that build up like I did that for me. I did that for myself. And so I cold plunge in the mornings almost every morning for like five minutes at 55 degrees. It's brutal. But I know if I do the hard things, I can succeed.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And then I like sit in my sauna three times a week, which I know I'm very, very, I'm very, very spoiled to have those things at my grasp. I understand that. But I take full advantage of having them. And they've blessed me so much in my life. I work out, I eat healthy, I take time with friends and take time with therapy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
So all those little wins keep me going and knowing that I'm doing something to really become the best version of myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I honestly, I just feel like it was always in me. I really do. I think it can be learned. I think it can definitely be a learned trait. But ever since I was little and since I was young, I was just like, I can do this. The thing that I know is my gift is I've never doubted myself. Wow.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yeah. And that was a really powerful moment for us. I do not believe for myself that I handled it the right way. And I don't believe that I should have ever felt so much shame for myself. But it was a real feeling that a lot of women feel. And so I wanted to share it with her. And I also think it humanized me to my daughter a lot, that something could happen to me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I never like, you know, there's been moments here or there I get a little bit shy or hesitant about it or let people get in my head a little bit. But I've always known I'm going to succeed. I can figure this out. I can do it. I can raise my kids. I can be that single mom. I can be a support system. I can have this career. I can be a career and be a single mom.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I've always known I could just survive and do it. And I always knew I could do it with a smile on my face because I think since I was young, I have always believed and I understood and I still understand that life is the gift. And I've never wanted to let life get away from me. I want to experience as much as I can. And I want to do it having fun with the people I love.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I want to experience it all, which is also the thing that kind of harmed me the most is I've always wanted to have such a big life. But if you want to have that big life and you want to go after your dreams and if you want to go after your career, if you want to go out and see the whole world, well, there's going to also be grief in there.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
to make you appreciate all the things that you're doing. And so I've always known that I just, for whatever reason, I just don't hold back. I just have such this belief that we're supposed to go out here and do anything and everything we want. But that comes with other kinds of stakes as well.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And, you know, like running your own business and becoming the entrepreneur and, you know, starting to write books and starting to have this career and being a single mother and doing all these things. There's a price to also pay for having all that at your grasp, you know, but that doesn't hold me back. I still want to do it and do more. But that is just something that's always lived inside me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I will say my parents, my dad was an explorer of life. He always wanted to see and experience everything. And he always tells these wild stories that when I was a young girl hearing all these stories, I was like, I want to live a big life like that. I want to go see and have these wild stories, experiences that almost seem fake when you hear them talk.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But then I also had a foundation from my mother that was this work ethic that she had all these jobs and she constantly pushed herself to be at every dance event that she could afford to go to to support me while hosting these jobs. And now also she was raising four other kids while she was raising me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
you know so i saw my mom's work ethic and dedication to just life well she had nothing she didn't have this house my mom never is my mom's never owned a home my mom's never had you know fancy cars or fancy clothes or bags but she just she wanted to bring as much to the table she could to support us and made us you know make us feel seen
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
So I think I just lived with two very, very different dynamics of parents being the example to show me that I could travel the world and do all this even if I have nothing. But with hard work and dedication, that's what I really learned from my mom is I could find both worlds and put them together.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And at that moment, I don't feel like I stood up for myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yeah. He was this gentle giant. And anytime he spoke, you just felt like you were learning so much. It was just like an honor to hear him talk. and it was just such a turn on. So the time you remember meeting him, it was love at first sight.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yes. It's interesting being a dancer. I will stand tall on this. Dancers are one of the hardest workers in the industry. We always have to know everything that's going on in the room. We always have to dance through injuries. And we're taught from infancy that you better be grateful for any job you get because your lifespan in dance is very short, if you even make it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I have danced through so many injuries. I've had cracked ribs, sprained ankles, broken limbs. Like I've had a cracked clavicle that I was still dancing through. And I just had to smile and act like everything was okay. And it does translate into social media and to my life sometimes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I thought for a long time, if I just put on a pretty face and act like everything's okay, I can convince myself that it is okay. And I thought... I really did think that was an amazing trait that I had. And in times it worked for me. But I had a huge realization for myself of how hurtful that can be to my own self, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
when really I thought I was like, look at me, I'm a champion dancing through all this. And I am championing my way through social media, acting like every day is perfect. And I've had to sit back for myself and really be like, I wouldn't want that for my daughter. I want her to care for her body. I want her to care for her mental health and her spiritual health.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And if she needs to miss school for a day because she wants to sit at home and cry, I hope she'd tell me. And I could sit there and cry with her. And so through all these different experiences, I always thought and I've told people that my strength is my strength. I stood behind that for years. And there's a lot of strength for saying that I'm not okay. There's a lot of strength to that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And that's something I am just now learning in my life and trying to gain a little bit of a base behind. And it's still very, very hard for me. I think the thing I struggle with the most in my life is asking for help, let alone admitting that I might need help with something. And I have a lot of support right now of people trying to let me lean on them at the times I need it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And so I'm grateful for that. But that has been the biggest lesson the last couple of years for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
The Glee show he's cast in. Oh my goodness. Okay. It's a very famous arena. And we found some stairs. We ended up on some scaffolding above everyone watching the Glee part of the show. We were literally looking at the performers from Glee and we just started making out and we were looking down, there's all these audience members screaming and cheering, but they couldn't see us.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yeah, I had experienced my first time really feeling like I'd been taken advantage of from the other gender. Someone taking advantage of my vulnerability and my joy of life and my energy of wanting to constantly learn. I had some older man really take advantage of the vulnerability
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
the vulnerability that women go through, especially in the dance community, where we look up to our teachers and we just trust them. And dance can be very physical. It can be very sexual, even at young age. And that was taken advantage of. And it really, it tore me apart for a lot of years because I felt like it was my fault.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I felt like it was my fault because how could it have gotten to that place? I must have done something wrong. And I felt so much shame in who I was. And I was so embarrassed. And to this day, it's one of those things, man, if I would have just spoke out for myself, maybe I could have built myself back up and helped other young girls too to not let that happen. But I felt a lot of shame in myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And it was really hard for me to work through that for so many years. And I'm proud of myself now to be able to like kind of own that, that it wasn't me. I was taken advantage of. But I wish it did not happen to anyone. I don't know why people do things like that. But I didn't at that time stick up for myself because I was so vulnerable. And I thought and blamed me for years.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I blamed myself for years. And I'll... For myself, when I had my daughter, I realized that I need to build her up to like if anything ever happened to her, come to someone, come to me, come to someone you feel safe with and say this was wrong. And that shouldn't have ever happened.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I questioned it for a long time with this book because there's already so many other things that I'm kind of an advocate for and a face of. And I've I've had to deal with so many griefs and bringing something that up was it was a really trying conversation to have with myself if I wanted to put that out there.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Not because I don't want to be honest, but just it's a lot emotionally to put some of that out there. But then I realized that was kind of the beginning of me becoming so independent and strong and realizing that I won't ever let someone take anything else from me ever again.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yeah. And that was a really powerful moment for us because she didn't know. And I realized until I was writing this book, I had never talked with her about that. And it was really important for me to share with her what my experience was and that I do not believe for myself that I handled it the right way. And I don't believe that I should have ever felt so much shame for myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But it was a real feeling that a lot of women feel. And so I wanted to share it with her. And I also think it humanized me to my daughter a lot, that something could happen to me and that at that moment, I don't feel like I stood up for myself. And my daughter always tells people that she looks up to me so much for how strong I've been through everything.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I think it was important for her to see that there are things I've gone through in my life that I now look back on that. I'm like, I could have probably done something different. I don't regret anything. But I could have probably moved differently if I had spoke out to someone, if I had talked to someone, if I stood my ground and saw the strength that I really am and
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
saw that as something powerful. And so it's really empowered us as a unit together that I share those kinds of stories with her.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And there was, I don't know, it was kind of romantic and we started doing the deed and then all of a sudden security was like flashing their lights like, who's up here? And we just froze.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
with their daughter or their son or even their partner or you know they don't have to do it publicly in a big platform but sometimes just having that conversation like you said can just really bond you with someone as well well i think for me what i've also realized as a parent is i didn't realize how much my kids were looking at me as like a hero which is so beautiful and i think there's a lot of strength to that yeah and they looked at me and my daughter said to me one time she was like you just are so perfect
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And that was when the realization was like, but I'm not. I have so many flaws, but the flaws make me beautiful. But I realized that our kids look at us and if we don't share some of these things that we've experienced or decisions that we've made that maybe don't come as like the best outcome, you know, if we don't share with them enough, we don't look real sometimes to them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And then they start to question, well, if I had this weird thought or I thought about doing this or I did this, like maybe I'm not a good person. And so I've realized that with talking with my daughter and sharing a little bit more honest feelings about things I've done or things I've said or things I regret or things that have happened to me, then we've connected so much deeper now.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And she feels a lot more honest and vulnerable with me in the conversations and the type of things that we talk about now. And so it really has gave us this base. I don't unload onto my daughter where it feels like we need to probably set some healthy boundaries, but I give her enough of who I am that she can really feel like she can be authentically herself with me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yeah, because she knows I'm not gonna judge her. And I know that it's a trusting give where she's not gonna judge who I am either.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yeah, I realized through therapy, I really was unpacking some of my past relationships and a lot of the experiences I've had with past relationships. And I had the biggest aha moment with my therapist. And she knew all along, bless her heart, she already knew, but she needed me to uncover it, that I had felt so alone for so many years growing up.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And then I always had to advocate for myself and I always had to stand tall by myself and take care of everything for myself that really I just kind of wish I could have leaned on someone. So I've been a people pleaser to so many other people my whole life because really I wanted people doing that for me. But I thought that's how I had to give love, because it was what I felt like I was missing.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
So I had to unpack that for a lot of years. So now I'm learning to balance myself a little bit with not being so much of a people pleaser, trying to care for everyone else.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Let them sometimes care for me and take care of me sometimes, because that's really where stronger relationships are even built, is the balance and the ebb and flow of letting someone else kind of carry your weight sometimes too.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Right above them. Oh, my gosh. It was so dangerous.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Well, I had to unpack so much, like I was a single mom. Going back to LA, I was also kind of embarrassed. I had moved back to Utah. I did everything I said I wasn't gonna do. I was gonna move to LA and be this big dancer, but then I had a child and moved home. So I had to unpack like, okay, will people accept me again? Can I do it while being a mother?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
At that time as a dancer, there weren't that many other examples of single mothers dancing. Because like I said earlier, a lot of dancers, their lifespans are short. And so I was like, can I get back out there? Will people accept me in this new kind of capacity? Is it the best decision for my daughter?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But then it was when my mom said those words to me and my mom said to me also that it was hurting her seeing me lose so much of who I was and what I worked for, you know, and what she had also worked for. And she knew how much dance healed me and brought me so much joy. So she wanted to see me back out there. And when my mom said that to me, I was like, yeah, you're right.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Everything you're saying is right. I cannot be an example to my daughter to chase her dreams and go after and be everything she wants to be if I give up on my own dream. Because kids learn by example. I can talk and talk and talk my face off, which I do love to talk. I do love to hear my voice. But I need to lead by example.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I knew that dance, I've always known my whole life that dance was my purpose. And I was supposed to bring love and joy to people. And I was supposed to encourage other young girls to become that version of themselves that they want to be. And so I was like, I've got to do this. I have to do this. And for my daughter, but also for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
You know, I think sometimes people are embarrassed to say that their dreams are also for themselves. I was for years because I was always like, I'm only dancing for my daughter to be an example to her, which I was for a long time, but it was also for me. To prove to myself that I can stand on my own and be strong and go after it. And I deserve to stand in these rooms. I deserve to be here.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I had worked really hard. And I really do attest all of my success to... to the fact that I believed in myself because I deserved to be there. And it also, having a child only gave me more gusto because I can't move to LA and not succeed now. I was at the feet of another mouth, you know?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
So it gave me more gusto to succeed even more and do more and, and bring her, bring her that same love and joy that I had.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
No, it actually was. It was. Wait, the time with the fishnet shirt and the piercings? Oh, well, no, no, no. I didn't even remember meeting him. I didn't even know that's who he was. That is true. Okay, the first time I ever met Steven I was actually on season two of So You Think You Can Dance. And he had not been on the show yet. And I met him at a party. He was like, I'm Twitch.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I don't even know what he said. But he was like in a fishnet top. And I didn't know this until years later. He told me about this. I didn't know this was happening. So he remembers. He remembers meeting me. Because he was a fan of mine when I was on the show.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And he had like a mohawk and he had like nine piercings, which is totally fine to have, but that was just like, it was very different version of who I met later. He had like nine piercings on his face. But he was wearing like literally, if you imagine NSYNC doing a music video, that's what he was dressed like, just... out in Irvine, California on like a Sunday afternoon.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And it was like moon pants and platform shoes. And I was just like, apparently like not into it. I was just kind of like, hi, and like left. But that was the first time I ever like met him, but I didn't even know this happened. But on So You Think You Can Dance when we were all stars. Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
He, both of us, our positions on that job, there were 12 dancers that were like the past fan favorites brought onto the show to dance with the new contestants. And I remember where like I was like, oh, this man is different. This man is amazing. I was working with my partner at the time. His name was Alex Wong. And we were in a different dance studio working on our routine.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And he was in a different room working with his partner. But at the end of the day, I went into his room and I was like, we would like to share, like show you guys our routine because I think like I'll get my partner's like wiggles out and like him being so nervous to perform it for other people. I think it'd be good for him to dance in front of other people.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
So like, can we do like a little exchange of our routines? And he was like, that's cool. Just give us like a little bit longer. We need some more time. And I was like, okay. So we sat down and his demeanor with this young woman, he was so kind and so direct, but guiding her, like teaching, because she had never danced hip hop before and he was a hip hop dancer.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
So he was acting as her teacher and influence, but he was doing it with such a gentle soul. Like it was just the way he could command a room, but never be domineering. Like he was, he was this gentle giant. And anytime he spoke, you just felt like you were learning so much. It was just like an honor to hear him talk. And it was just such a turn on.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I was like, oh, I like him. Yeah. Yeah. So it was just like his presence was really powerful and, but soft and welcoming all at the same time.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Alison Holker. Welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima show. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here and you're such an inspiration to me. So I just like, I'm really geeked to have like a moment to be able to get to know you and connect. And so this is truly an honor.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
The only reason I'm so willing to share this story is he actually shared this story on The Ellen Show and I was devastated that he was willing to share this on TV. Oh my goodness. Okay, so after Sweet You Can Dance, our all-star season, our first season, which was season seven, Um, man, I was on tour with So You Think You Can Dance.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And then he was getting ready for tour with there was a television show called Glee. He wasn't actually on the show Glee. But for their tour, there was an opening act with a dance crew called LXD, which was the League of Extraordinary Dancers. And which was actually was it was produced by John Chu, who just came out with Wiccan. He was the director of Wicked.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But so LXD, which Stephen was a part of, was on tour with Glee. And we were just in this very honeymoon phase of dating where everything was really exciting and we were both on these big tours. Mine was a national tour, his was international. And so we were just traveling to see each other and support each other at each other's shows.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And he invited me to Ireland, which he was performing at the O2 Arena. Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm sharing this. And so anyways, the story starts with me going to see him at his show. And after he performed his opening act, we decided to just, you know, go explore the arena. It's a very famous arena. And we found some stairs.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
We ended up on some scaffolding above everyone watching the Glee part of the show. We were literally looking at the performers from Glee and we just started making out and we were looking down. There's all these audience members screaming and cheering, but they couldn't see us. And there was I don't know, it was kind of romantic. And we started doing the deed.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And then all of a sudden security was like flashing their lights like who's up here? And we just froze. And then security couldn't see us for whatever reason. I don't know. They left and we just ran out of there. But yeah, that was probably the most wild thing I've ever done. I don't know. I mean, the lights were going, there was music, there was energy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I can't believe we did not, I'm thankful that we did not get cogs. I definitely think that would have been a very, very bad look and I wouldn't suggest it for anyone else, but it was just a very in the moment moment.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Right there. Right above them. Oh, my gosh. It was so dangerous. I don't know. I don't know how that happened. But yeah, there we go. That happened.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Well, I realized for myself that God gave me this purpose. And it's really hard to deny when someone gives you such an opportunity. And not opportunity because it seems so grand and beautiful, but an opportunity to help people. And I felt like there was a year when I really wasn't willing to talk to people about it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
There was a year where I was just trying to be there for my children, just be a good mom. And I didn't want to share our story. It was too personal. It was too... It was too on the nose for us. It was too real to really have to open up to everyone and share what had gone on. And then I realized that I need to shift my perspective on this and I need to help as many people as I can.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Because if I'm not willing to talk about this situation, I realize how many other women, how many other men are too scared to have these really, really hard talks. And at the end of the day, that's what we need to be doing. That's why we are here.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And it made me realize that God gave me the opportunity to be a voice, to try to help other people to feel safe and to feel like they can reach out to someone and speak about these really, really hard topics. And it's not that I know exactly how to do it. I'm not an expert in this field.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
But if I can be brave enough to speak out, maybe I can help someone else be brave enough to speak out for themselves.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
yeah i unfortunately but fortunately that's kind of like what's giving me the wings to want to do this because i had so many people reaching out to me um strangers complete complete strangers i do not know reaching out to me on instagram or on twitter trying to explain to me their stories that they've been so hurt in the past from a situation or men that have specifically reached out to me being like i've never told anyone that i have been hurting for so long
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And it's no one else's fault. It's not a wife's fault or a partner's fault or the children's fault or their loved ones or their friends, but they've been hurting inside and been too scared to reach out to someone. And that through what I've experienced and my family's experience, they decided to make the choice to get help or to talk to someone about it. And it's helped them so much.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And so this really is like a testament to all those people that are starting to stand up for themselves and be brave and speak out and seek out help. And there really are so many resources out there that I was not aware of either that I'm trying to advocate for and trying to promote other people to feel safe to reach out to.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Well, I remember I started dance a little bit later than most girls start dance. A lot of people start dance when they're about three or four years old. I didn't start dancing until later. Like it was like in my early like 10s, you know, like nine, 10 years old, I started dancing. And, um, my father was really struggling for work at the time. So he was going overseas a lot.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And so he was gone a lot of my childhood. Like when I was, you know, like those really, um, crucial years of connecting with your dad and your parents. And my dad was gone a lot, but it's cause he was, it wasn't a bad thing. He wasn't trying to want to like run away from us. He was just trying to like care for us in the best way he could. Right. But he was gone still struggling.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And, um, I was still in dance and that was kind of like my safe place. I I felt really alone with my parents both working and being gone. So dance gave me this place of friendship and my teachers kind of became my parents in that kind of role for me. That when my dad came home one time, I was like, we cannot afford this anymore. I was devastated.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I realized for myself that God gave me this purpose and it's really an opportunity to help people.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And so I went into my dance studio owner, Cheryl Dowling, with my mother and I was like, we can't pay for this, but thank you for everything. I love dance. It's not you guys. I just, we have no other options here. We can't afford it. And she was like, give me a second, let me work this out. And she said to me, she was like, would you be willing to clean the studio?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And at that time, so I'd only started dancing for a couple of years. I was I think like 12 or 13 when she was like, would you be willing to clean the dance studio? And I was like, anything, I'll do anything as I love it so much. Even though it only been a couple of years of dancing, I knew that this was my purpose for life. I knew I was supposed to do this.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And so I literally gave up my childhood and every single night I would, you know, after school, I would go to my dance classes. I'd be there till about 9.30 PM. And then I would clean the dance studio for an hour and a half every single night. And I would go in on the weekends and have to do a deep cleaning of everything and dusting of the studios.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I did that all the way till I graduated high school at 18 years old. And I look back at that and I do not regret any of it. It taught me work ethic. It taught me that I was doing something for the right reasons. It gave me dedication. And it also taught me that I love something so grand that I'm willing to give up so much as a child to be here.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And then it also made me really respect my dance teacher seeing so much of me, giving me that opportunity. Because let's be real, I probably wasn't the best at what I was doing. Yeah. But she worked with me and made it possible for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And so I just have so much gratitude in my heart for my mother, but also my dance owner, you know, my dance studio owner, Cheryl Dowling, for just seeing something in me and believing in me so much that she overpaid me for the job that I was doing, but she just knew I had to be there. And so she sacrificed a lot for me as well. And I'm so grateful to have had that opportunity.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
For all of it though, also for the commitment I learned from such an early age. The more hours you put into what you love, that's when you're gonna succeed. And it's not just the talent and the skill, it's the love that you pour into it and the amount of hours you're willing to dive into something. And so I treasure those hours at the dance studio.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And it was really hard at times, too, because I was a janitor and being made fun of by other dance girls, you know, other girls that maybe, you know, saw themselves as better than me or they thought it was, you know, silly me to have to work and, you know, clean the garbages and clean the toilets after them every single day. I would be laughed at and kind of ridiculed for that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
There was a year when I really wasn't willing to talk to people about it. And then I realized that I need to shift my perspective on this and I need to help as many people as I can. If I'm not willing to talk about this situation, I realize how many other women, how many other men are too scared to have these really, really hard talks.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
And I had to stand my ground and know that I'm doing this for a better purpose for myself. And I believe in myself. And so it taught me a lot of like grit too.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
Yeah. It was hard. It was hard, but it built me up. It built me up so much because I had to believe in myself because also once I would go home, my parents were still gone. So I was alone so much, but I never let it defeat me. I never wanted it to. I knew I could be strong on my own two feet and I knew I belonged in there.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Allison Holker Reveals All! Pt 1 Making Your Dreams Happen, Falling in Love with Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss & Finding Hope after Heartbreak
I think that's something you always work on and have to work on. Which is why I, for years, have believed in affirmations. Oh, and every day I start with gratitude. I say three things I'm grateful for every single day. Small things, big things, things that people wouldn't even think about. But my affirmations really help to build me up every single day.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
You know, the people that were closest to Steven, we always actively talked, and he would in interviews himself, talk that he did have the two personalities. He was Steven to the closest around him, but then he also wore the face of tWitch. And being in entertainment, I've always heard about celebrities or artists wearing those faces.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
You know, you hear about, I believe that Beyonce has one and she's like Salsa Fierce as well on the side. So you always hear about people that kind of take on these characters when they get on stage. And so I've never really seen it as anything, but wow, that's a really fun way of living your life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Like, you know, you get to be your stage performer, but then you get to be you, you know, behind closed doors with the people you love and care about the most. Yeah. And it's kind of like almost like a protective shield. And I always saw Steven doing that. Steven would be Steven with our family and then he'd be Twitch for the people.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And sometimes they would intertwine, you know, they would kind of veer back and forth in our home space. But Steven at home was extremely introverted and Twitch to the people was extremely extroverted. And what I've come to now learn about him is that those things can exist and be real, but sometimes I think he masked his lows when he was maybe dealing with his depression as Steven.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Like I need time to recoup my energy from being Twitch all day. And not just from exuding all this energy, which I thought it was like, oh, he's just tired. Like he just had a big day of putting on this extroverted energy that he just needs times to rest and like kind of recoup the energy back. But no, he was actually masking that he was actually really sad and depressed sometimes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And maybe not every time, but some of the times it was actually his depression taking over him that he would mask that energy with.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I think sometimes now when I look at depression or these traits that he had, I wish that he would have had help with therapy or someone he felt safe talking about the conflictions that he would have with himself and his personality and maybe learning better tools to keep some of himself full in his own cup instead of always trying to pour out into everyone else.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Stephen was someone that people...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
trusted you you were in a safe place when you spoke with him and you could he would never judge you for what you were going through and that's what was so beautiful about him is he he opened his heart to anyone and everyone anything you were going through and and he would make time for you and he'd make space for you and he would just listen he was such a great listener and
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And you would always walk away feeling so much better. And I know if he would have told himself the things I've heard him say to other people, he could have helped himself. But with that role he took on, I think he was really scared of people not wanting to do that anymore if he maybe was honest about what he was going through.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Mm-hmm.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Because then just knowing his personality and how much he loved that and cared for people and some of the things he's now said and things I have read that he's wrote, it's he feared if he wasn't that hero for other people and if he maybe was honest about what he was going through, maybe they'd question going to him.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Like maybe we would trigger him and we can't trust talking to him about it because maybe it would get him into a low. if we're honest with him about what they're going through. And he liked being that person for people. And that's why I do, I really believe that he always wanted to help people. Even in his lowest moment, he thought he was helping.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yeah. I think I always grew up thinking that if I just power through and, and same for him, like if we're, we wake up and we say our gratitude and we say our affirmations and it really does pump you up. Yeah. That's why I'm saying I still do it to this day and I see so much beauty behind it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And he was the same way we, we had like dry erase markers and we'd constantly be writing on our mirrors and writing stuff to each other to pump each other up. And You know, if we were tired or sad, we'd be like, oh, let's go read this book together. Let's listen to this podcast together. And we both loved that and generated so much of who we are from that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I still do think there's so much beauty in it, but we didn't have the balance of it. We didn't have the balance of it. I think we we also both enjoy our work so much and became such work heavy people. And he was such a work guru that I think in order to mask going through his deeper rooted feelings, I think he would keep himself busy.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I as well, I can't say that I'm talking just about him, I do the same thing and I still struggle with that. It's just I'm trying now in my life to learn better tools of, you can be a positive person while also admitting that you're having a sad day.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes. You know, it's interesting because when it first started unfolding, I just thought it was like, it really pains me to say this because I wish I could have been a stronger person knowing signs when they were right in front of me, but I didn't know. But the hygiene thing to me is probably the biggest red flag.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I honestly just was like, he's been working his face off for like 15 years straight. He's tired. He's like, let me just be a man laying in bed all day. Let me rest up. Because we knew that going into the next year, like after the Ellen show ended, we had like six months and he was still working all of that summer.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
We knew we only had like a couple more months before we were supposed to have our biggest year of our lives with jobs. So I kind of just was like, oh, like he's just sleeping right now. He didn't feel like showering today because he didn't have to go to a set. Like we just kind of, and he would joke about it. Like he'd be like, I know, I'm sorry.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Or like, it was something that we were aware of, but we more painted it like, nah, you've got a couple more months before we got to get back in shape and get back into everything. And And we would discuss it. And he discussed it even in interviews and stuff that was like, yeah, like this is just my time to kind of sit back. And we kind of justified everything instead of like,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
You know, I didn't have the tools learning about depression before as I never really thought it was something that we were going to have to deal with. So I didn't have the proper tools of really looking back and stepping back and seeing that, wait, this has maybe got a little bit carried away. Maybe there's something deeper happening here. Like the hygiene, he wasn't working out anymore.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
You know, there was a time when we were in Hawaii with our kids that I now look back on and it pains me so much. We were going to the beach. I packed everyone their sandwiches, got the kids ready, and he was actively like not helping. And I don't say that to tear him down, but he wasn't. He was sitting on the couch and not helping getting with you ready. But I was like, all right, cool.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Me and my nanny were doing it. Got everything ready for the kids, got all their activities ready. And we go to the beach and we're running into the water and the waves and we're all laughing. And I looked back at him and he was wearing all black, he had his black tennis shoes on, his black sweatpants he wore every single day because he wasn't showering and washing his clothes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Same black hoodie, he had his black backpack, or sorry, his green backpack on. Still on his back while we're sitting at the beach in Hawaii, in the sun, black beanie on, arms folded, black sunglasses, sitting. And again, I had said to myself, he's been working his face off. He's just tired. Like, who am I to try to like drag him out into the water if he doesn't want to, you know?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I probably was like overly cautious of stuff like that, but I was like, I don't want to invade his space. It's okay. It's okay for him to just have this moment with himself. Because we would always talk about how introverted he is and he likes to be in his thoughts and stuff. But now I look back on that and a lot of people might hear that and be like, well, so why would he do this?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And also they could say to me, why didn't you see it better? It's like, but you justify things when you're with someone. Because I loved him so much. I was like, it's okay. And you say he wouldn't take the backpack off. Do you know what was in the backpack? Yes. He always had his self-help books in his backpack and his journals.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And even then, like, you know, when he would be feeling a little bit like tired or exhausted, he'd always like hold his books and read them. And they were always self-help books. He loved books like The Alchemist was one of his favorite books. The Four Agreements was one of his favorite books. And he constantly had books like that on him.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
When the cops first told me what had happened, I did not believe them. I thought they had gotten the wrong person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And that's looking back on things like that is when I realized that when he was checked out at the times I thought he was like recouping his energy, he was really in his thoughts in a dark place.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I really believe that he was such, because I don't say these things to tear him apart. He was such a beautiful individual, but so beautiful in his heart that he never wanted anyone ever to feel his pain. He never wanted that for people. He always wanted to be someone that they could look to and lean to at any given moment that he could just pour out to them. And I really believe that
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
He loved people so much. Because I've also had people ask me, were people not pouring into him? And I'm like, this man was loved by our family, by his family, by all of his friends. He was, oh, he was reveled. People loved him. Everyone idolized him and looked up to him and could lean on him and trusted him.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But I sometimes think he doubted himself so much if he deserved that love because he was receiving so much of it that he thought he had to outpour it, just give it to as many people as I can. To make him almost convince himself maybe that would make him deserve the love. That, yeah, you have to learn for yourself to understand that you deserve, you deserve so much love for who you are.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And you don't have to earn any of it. You can just receive it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I think he started towards the end having a little bit of cracks that he was getting a little bit low. And I think him seeing that himself, when people would start asking, are you okay? Are you okay today? It would trigger him. And he would get really upset when you asked him that because he always thought he could wear this face and convince everyone he was okay.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And that's another thing that we started to notice is if you asked him if he was okay, it was very triggering to him. It was like, yes, I'm okay, of course I'm okay. And so I think those little things starting to pour out into our children or into me or into people starting to see that, Oh, he's maybe not okay today.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I think it was a very big turning point for him. I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. There was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped. I will always celebrate Steven. I think he was a wonderful person, and I'm really sad what he went through.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I think him seeing how people react to that maybe or how they might react to it started concerning him.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
We had hiked to the highest peak of the mountain in Hawaii and it was magical. We had to go all the way above the clouds and we wanted to stargaze. And it was something that we did without the kids.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision. And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
we wanted to just do it with ourselves so we could have this like really romantic moment together and we got to the very very top and it was oh the stars were so bright that night it was so beautiful and we were having this big discussion about life life and death and how beautiful it is and how that we don't believe that after you die that that's the end of everything that
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
you could cross into another life. Like you could cross into another path or another future and that you could find that love again in another lifetime. And we had this, what I thought was such a beautiful discussion about life after. And I was like, wow, like we're so deep. I was like, this is so incredible. And I feel like I always was learning from him.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And sometimes I look back on that discussion of like, wow, like we really beautified death. And he was never scared of death. He almost celebrated it in that moment. And it kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies looking back on it. Because parts of it still are really beautiful. But some of the things and the depth that he would go and the thoughts that he had had, death had been on his mind.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
It almost felt like sometimes he thought death was chasing him. And he was learning to accept it. And so I sometimes look back on that discussion because I remember going back to our Airbnb that we had had at the time and I was like, wow, like we had such a profound talk and it was so beautiful.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And sometimes I look back and I'm just like, his thoughts in mind had been racing about it for a very long time.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. He still could find joy and he could still go day by day, you know, putting on his face and getting through the days. But there was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I used to think they were weird quirks and weird things. And he would tell people that, yeah, I don't let her come downstairs, so I give her her morning coffee. And I used to laugh at it and be like, oh, ha, ha, ha, he's so sweet bringing me coffee. But really, why wasn't I allowed to come downstairs? Because he would be triggered if I came downstairs before. I'd be in trouble.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Can you talk about the tree emoji the night before he died? This will be something I will always be confused about.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But as his wife, I just kind of thought, oh, it's cute. And it's his way of letting me know that I'm allowed to come downstairs. But now looking back, I'm like, well, that's I guess it's not really a normal thing in a relationship. And our kids also weren't allowed to go downstairs. There was like an order in which things had to happen for him to feel comfortable to start his day.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And at first I was like, oh, well, it's just kind of like our morning routine. Right. And now as I've come to learn and my own self-healing, learning that, oh, that's not normal. That's not okay. And I started to unpack a lot more of like, well, what were you doing in the morning? Why did you need to have that much time? What was going on? So it's, I think sometimes what I'm learning right now is
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I will always celebrate Stephen. I think he was a wonderful person. And I'm really sad what he went through. But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through. But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Oh, this will be something I will always be confused about. So the night Steven, he came home. He was very triggered. He was very triggered. Me and Wesley were watching The White Lotus show. We loved that show. And he came in and I could tell something was wrong. Um, he had texted me earlier that night, a tree emoji, which was his way of telling me he was going to the dispensary.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Um, he didn't do it that often though, but if he was going, you know, either he told me, but I was with Wesley, so he probably didn't want to say to me that he was going. So sometimes he would use like a tree emoji or symbolism and text me. Um, but the reason that night it felt different was because the next day when he decided to take his life, he had been at the Oak Tree Inn.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And there was a tree that looked just like the emoji. And the dispensary was right across the street. And I've always wondered to myself, was he at the hotel already? Is that why he came home so triggered? Had he attempted and then got scared and then was too shameful to tell me? And I'll never know. But that night was very triggering for me. And it was very obviously triggering for him
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But I'll never know. But that emoji will always kind of be a little bit of a scar for me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
We had had so much trust in our relationship that we never had ever had locations on our phones. I had never even looked at his phone. I don't even know what his codes are. I don't know any of his passwords. I don't have a bank account shared with him. I never had. I wouldn't even know how to...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
When I went to the cops the first time, they wouldn't even let me in because I'm not sure what the rules are everywhere, but in LA, you can't report an adult missing shorter than 24 hours. So I had called and tried reporting and it wasn't working. I had ran there because I was like, this is just different. And they wouldn't even open the door to me to report him a missing person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I just knew something was wrong. I just, I knew this isn't my husband. He hasn't just not come home. He hasn't just like take off and, you know, miss dinner with my kids. He doesn't just do any of that. So I knew something was really, really wrong. And I was convinced he was hurt. I was convinced he had been in a car wreck or I didn't know.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I had no idea, but I was convinced he was in a hospital or he had been wrongfully arrested. But they wouldn't accept me for 24 hours. And then when I finally made the report, you know, now I look back and I'm like, unfortunately, these reports are probably being made, unfortunately, way too often than they should.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And so I now know that they were just doing their jobs, but it felt like when they were asking me questions, they were like, you don't, He's probably just ran away at a bar with friends, doesn't want to see you, you know. And it just felt like they were shoving this man away, like, you know. But really, you know, they were doing their jobs and they were doing a really good job.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But it just to me at the moment felt like you're not doing enough. You're not looking for my man. He's probably hurt and he might die in this moment that we're not looking for him. And to this day, I can never really express to someone trying to navigate how to find someone that you love so much and you don't know where to look. It's very scary.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
We had had so much trust in our relationship that we never had ever had locations on our phones. I had never even looked at his phone. I don't even know what his codes are. I don't know any of his passwords.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I don't have a bank account shared with him I never had I wouldn't even know how to look at anything like that's how much in our relationship was just like if he told me something I just believed it and so when the cops were asking me all these questions well have you looked at his phone where is he knows locations have you looked at his bank accounts I was like I don't have access to any of it and to to me I look at that as being a trust thing the cops they were like
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Why don't you have access to any of that? And so those things kind of trigger you when you're going through those things of like, I don't know why I would have those things. I never thought about it before. But really at the end of the day, the cops were a huge support system to me and they were really patient with me and kind to me and they were kind to my children.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I'll always be forever grateful for the way they tried handling that situation with me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
look at anything like that's how much in our relationship was just like if he told me something i just believed it and so when the cops were asking me all these questions well have you looked at his phone where is you know his locations have you looked at his bank accounts i was like i don't have access to any of it on the third day after he passed you were cuddling your daughter zaya and you say stephen paid you a visit
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
When we lost our dog, Crypto, which was Stephen's best friend, it was a few years ago, and I remember the vet telling Stephen, and he came home and conveyed the message to me, our dog, Crypto, had a couple of times tried leaving our home and disappearing, and it's because our dog was very sick. And what the vet had told us was that
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
when animals feel sick that run in a pack, they don't want their loved ones to get sick with what they have. So they choose to leave and pass away with not taking any harm to their own family. And I remember that really sat really deep with me and Steven that like crypto left our home, not because he didn't want to be with us, but because he was almost trying to protect us.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And that moment came back to me when Steven passed away the way he did. and where he chose to leave. He didn't want to be too far away from us because he missed us and loved us so much, but he didn't want to be around us because he loved us so much.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yeah. You know, I... I've always had dreams since I was young that sometimes come to life and I've had dreams that become very real. Two of my children named themselves in their dreams to me. I had seen Wesley and Wesley told me her name was Wesley well before she was born and Maddox I had seen in my dreams and someone else called him Maddox in my dream.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But I had seen my children in my dreams well before they were born. I believe in that. I believe that sometimes you can tap into future or past and present moments that are unfamiliar and bizarre. But if you study it and learn it and accept it, it can come to you. After Steven had passed, I hadn't slept in about four or five days, I think it had gone by at this point.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And my kids really hadn't either. And Ziya was crying hysterically and it was supposed to be nap time, but she just could not settle herself. She could not go to sleep. So I went into her room and I laid with her. And she's very, very little and she's still trying to comprehend what had just happened. And I laid in bed with her. And we both just held each other.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And then all of a sudden the room started shaking and my eyes, I closed my eyes, but I wasn't asleep yet. And everything started shaking in the room. And there was almost like the static you see on TV behind my eyes. It was like black and white static. And I saw three faces. And I don't know to this day what those other two faces were, but it was staticking between three different faces.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And then at the very end, I held onto one of the faces and it said, I'm so sorry. And I love you so much. I'm sorry. And Steven's face faded away. And then we both took a nap. It was the first time I had slept. And I think maybe one of the first times she had slept since everything had happened. And I woke up and I felt a lot more settled.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I wasn't fully healed or anything like that, but I felt settled. that he was watching over us and looking out for us.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes. There's been moments of Stephen visiting both Wesley and I multiple times. He still visits us and still talks with us. And, you know, there's been times though, it's been really beautiful and then there's times it's been a little scary. But I know we feel him and when we need him, we go talk to him.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And then there's also been unfortunate times we've been like, please give us some space on the flip side of that. And there's been times that we've been like, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to see you. I'd love to speak with you. But we know that he's watching over our family. I know that Steven always loved us and always wanted to protect us.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And in whatever way in his mind, he thought he was doing that. And I'll never fully comprehend and I'll never fully understand that that was his choice. And I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to forgive him, not for me, because I forgave him for me, but for my children that that was the choice he did. But in his heart of hearts, he thought that he made the right choice.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yeah. And said, I'm so sorry. And I love you so much. I'm sorry. And Stephen's face faded away. I felt a lot more settled. I wasn't fully healed or anything like that, but I felt settled that he was watching over us.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And my job now as the parent to these beautiful children is for them to know that this is not the way out. There are other avenues. There is therapy. There is help. There is talking to the right individuals. There's a support team around you that will help navigate the space with you. That the choice that he made is not the choice that we will make moving forward.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I always grew up in a religion with my family that I have so much respect for, but I had left it for a few years. And then I really wanted to go on my own journey of faith. And I was so blessed to find the Mosaic Church with Erwin McManus. He's my pastor and Beck and Joe. I absolutely adore them. And I've been going to that church now for years. I don't know, well over eight, nine years.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I absolutely adore it. They're my people. And I had brought Steven with me a couple of times and he kind of got into it. And Steven, when he was growing up, had bounced around a couple of different faiths with his family. And then he would go with me to the Mosaic Church. I think Stephen would say he was more of a spiritual person, more than a religious person.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
He was always on a journey trying to find himself and become the best version of himself, which is why he did a lot of
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
reading and listening to podcasts and he always wanted to he always really was trying to be the best version of himself always so he was a deeply spiritual person he would pray he didn't read scriptures or bibles by any means that wasn't his choice but yeah he was a very spiritual being Have you talked to God about this? I have. I've talked to God. I've talked to my pastor. And
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
It's really hard because for me, I feel like in my heart, I've learned forgiveness and the complications and the complexities of everything. And I've never questioned God through it because I think a death like this is a little bit different. I think when people lose someone, when they're a person of faith, I believe sometimes they question God.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But I think when someone takes their own life, you don't question God in it, you question the person and why. So I think for my children and myself, we still believe that God is so beautiful and looking out for us and seeing us and representing us and being there for us. It's the person we question what they were going through.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Because I know a lot of people when they experience death, they question God. But this wasn't God's choice. This wasn't God's doing. He still wraps his arms around us and he still supports us. And he still sees us and he still sees my children.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I do. I believe that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes. There's been moments of Stephen visiting both Wesley and I multiple times. He still visits us and still talks with us.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes, even the unfair things. But you can't have one without the other. You can't have love without having pain. You can't have highs without having lows. It's the only way we see we have those. And so that's why I've never questioned God. I've never questioned life. I've never questioned the beauty and the existence of waking up every single day and looking at the trees.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Like when I wake up and I feel the wind on my face, I just feel so blessed. I don't question any of it. I know that life is the gift. I've always believed it. I still believe it to this day. And I know my kids, that's what I want for them. And I know that life life through all of its lows. It's how you handle it. I truly believe that we're given a choice every day. We often hear the afterlife.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Are you going to go to heaven or hell? And yes, you can believe that. But I also believe that we have that choice here today on earth. Which are you going to pick? Are you going to pick your life hell? Are you going to pick your life heaven? And I choose every single day to say that this planet, this place I am at right now with my decisions and my choices is my heaven.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
with how I look at the world, with how I use it, with how I see it, with the people I surround myself with, that the choices I make daily, the The way I see things, the gratitude I have, this is my heaven. And I can have a heaven after, but I'm not waiting for that heaven. I can live it now. And that's something I try to teach my children.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I still think that life, even through your darkest moments and your darkest beliefs or the things you've had to experience, it's what makes life so beautiful if you accept it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Have you talked to God about this? I know a lot of people, when they experience death, they question God. But this wasn't God's choice. This wasn't God's doing. He still wraps his arms around us and he still supports us. And he still sees us and he still sees my children.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Well, first it breaks my heart to see so many people that haven't shared so many full parts of themselves with the people they love for so long. And they've walked around with this pain on their shoulders and tried shielding it from everyone to protect everyone around them. So it pains me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But also that is what, you know, as we're talking about the beauty of life and death is Stephen was an example to people that we should choose a different way and we can be support systems and we can trust that we can still be loved. by the people around us if we just lean on them a little bit. And they're not going to see us differently.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
So it also makes me really happy that so many people are willing to come forward now, especially these men that have been maybe on the brink of their own sadness and questioning themselves. And is this okay? I'm so proud of them for finally stepping into their full wholeness of emotions of
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
willing to share who they are and what they're going through and willing to go to therapy now and talk about it or reach out to their friends and check on them in a different kind of capacity now. I'm really proud of them for taking those steps forward. And I hope that we can just continue to encourage each other to do that. Because that's what this is.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
That's what life is, is we're supposed to be a community of people coming together, acting like villagers, supporting each other, leaning on each other, letting someone have a low and experiencing it, but then how do we pull you out of it? Let's get you back. You know, we're not going to run from these emotions. We're going to experience them, but we're not going to sit in them forever.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
We're going to find healthy tools to get out of it and support each other. And it just makes me really proud that the community is now coming together. I can't tell you how many support groups I've now known of friends that... I've had friends for years that are men that came to me like, I'm now in like a little social group and they meet once a week and they just talk about their emotions.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
In Utah, I have one of my best friends. He now goes to a support group of men and they do sound baths every month. And it's just a place for them to go to meet up with other people that are maybe having a hard day and they do healing journeys together now through healthy mechanisms. And, you know, I've had so many letters of people saying that they opened up to their wives for the first time.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
He's really proud of my children. And I do think he's proud of me. He's told me he is. And he wanted me to do this. I was so scared that is this the right choice? Because I hope people read the messaging of what I really want this to be.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
An uncle. That's so dear. I had no idea was so low cried to me. He just melted into my arms and was like I Understand Steven so much and I'm so sorry and it gave me the courage to open up now, you know And so I'm I'm grateful that unfortunately this happened to me my family But it's made an impact around the world to hopefully bring some change you share in your book that um through a psychic
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I think he's proud of everyone. That's all he ever wanted to do was celebrate everyone.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
else in their lives and I think he's really proud that people are bringing change and finding bravery in themselves to step forward and pick up these pieces and carry on through life I think he's really proud and I think he is proud of my family I think he's really proud of my children and I do think he's proud of me he's told me he is and he wanted me to do this I was so scared that is this the right choice because I hope people read the messaging of what I really want this to be
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And he told me to move forward with it. And I did not tell this medium about this book. I did not tell the medium what was going on. I didn't tell the medium to try to reach for anything in this kind of department. He just said it to her and threw her to me. And it was a moment I'll never forget.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And it gave me so much courage that no matter what is said, I know I'm doing the right thing for the right reason. And it was both beautiful and scary having someone speak him and his words to me directly. And it was completely unexpected. And it was just something that I needed at that moment. And I think he knew I needed that. And so he came in again into my life and gave me the
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
encouragement and the right and not even permission, but just that he saw what I was doing and believed in it as well.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And he told me to move forward with it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I have not danced at full capacity and I know that pains me and so many others to hear, and I know I will get there, but this has been a long journey for me. And I think what I've been doing the last couple of years is taking one healing step at a time and making sure I'm fully ready to embrace it. So then I'm doing it for the right reasons.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And so every step of this journey for me has felt different. Like I'm conquering something new for myself and conquering something new for my children. And I know I'm gonna get to that step, but I want to be there so bad. And I know I have so many people supporting me, wanting to see me there, and they're just waiting for that moment to happen.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Steven would be Steven with our family, and then he'd be Twitch for the people. Steven at home was extremely introverted and Twitch to the people was extremely extroverted. And what I've come to now learn about him is that those things can exist and be real, but sometimes I think he masked his lows when he was maybe dealing with his depression as Steven.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I am too, but I know it'll happen at the right time when I'm fully ready to embrace it, where I can accept my talents and my skills again, but not just to do it, but to also give back with it in the same way I used to. I've always said that I was a storyteller through dance, but I always told other people's stories through dance.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I think my journey now through dance, it's just waiting for me to finally be able to dance this story. And so it's just waiting for the right moment and the right preparation and the right people to be around there and around me supporting that to bring it to life. And I know it will happen, but unfortunately it hasn't happened yet, but it will happen at the right moment. Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Do you know what song it will be too? I think it's actually going to be a collection of songs. In order for me to fully express this journey I've been through and this story that I have to tell, it's going to be a whole... It's gonna be a whole production and I'm excited about it, but it will be a lot of work ahead of me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But I know it's an important one to tell and to share because though I have this book and I can share my story with my words, I know my powers and my movements and that still needs to be shared.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes, I know. It's going to take a lot of work for me not to have to be crying the whole way through it as well. Yeah. But I'm excited for that. And I know at the right time it will call to me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I love that. Thank you for that. Because it is, everyone always wants to jump to the past. People tend to live in the present, but no one wants to look at who you are moving into. I am the best version of myself that I've ever been. I'm a stronger version of myself. I'm a happier version of myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And it's because I can honestly look back on my life and say that I have left it and lived it through integrity and honesty, authenticity. And I have carried my beautiful children with me, lifting them up, having honest conversations with them. still seeing the beauty of life no matter what is thrown my way. And I'm really proud of that. The person I am today, I'm proud of that I can...
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
honestly say that I just want to lift people up. I want to see people succeed. I want to lift myself up. I still romanticize about life. I still see the beauty. I can look at a tree and look at it with such eyes of like, oh gosh, this is such a majestic thing that's existing in front of me. And it's so beautiful. And I get to experience it. I can look at the
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
the littlest thing in the room, the biggest thing in the room, and still celebrate it. That's who I am. I am someone that still wants everyone around me to be the best versions of themselves. I don't wish harm on anyone. And to me, that's what life is, is just going out and experiencing and accepting. And if you can do that and be resilient, You've won. You've won.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I think I always grew up thinking that if I just power through, and same for him, we wake up and we say our gratitude and we say our affirmations and it really does pump you up. Yeah. That's why I'm saying I still do it to this day. And I see so much beauty behind it. And he was the same way.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I just want to continue to do that and to teach that and preach that to other people. That what I am today is I'm happy and I'm settled and I'm content with whatever's thrown my way. And I know I'll be okay. That's who I am today.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I'm really proud of that. You know, there was definitely a moment where after the tragedy that I was really in doubt with myself of, will I ever like myself? Will I ever forgive myself? Can I ever forgive him? Could I ever get past this great loss and trust anyone again? Could I trust myself? Can I look at people and ever see the beauty again? I did.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
There was like, I mean, it wasn't very long though. You know, there's a moment. There's a moment you feel really, really low. Can I ever be loved? Can I love? And then I quickly turned that around and said, no, that's not who I am. It's not what I've ever believed. And I'm not gonna let myself fall down that tunnel. I deserve love. I deserve life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I deserve to still experience this with my children, and they more than anything deserve that. And I can't be an example telling anyone to pick up and wake up and go about a day and see the beauty in life if I'm not doing that myself. So I quickly turned the energy of victim mentality and woe is me. And I was like, I don't live this way. That's not who I am.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I gave myself that permission to be fully embracing and accepting of life and love because that is what we're here to do. And that's what I want to preach. And that's what I want somebody to tell me. And that's what I'm going to tell someone else. And that's what I'm going to tell my own personal being to be. Every single day. And I have chose love.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And with giving myself that permission, it has found me again. And it's brighter. And it's more beautiful than I could have ever expected. And it's healthy. And it's shiny and wonderful. And it gets to be a beautiful thing that my kids get to share with me as well. And they get permission now to do that for them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
We had like dry erase markers and we'd constantly be writing on our mirrors and writing stuff to each other to pump each other up. And, you know, if we were tired or sad, we'd be like, oh, let's go read this book together. Let's listen to this podcast together. And we both loved that and generated so much of who we are from that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Well, even before I get to the tool. Yeah. I will say, and I know a lot of people are gonna have questions about why I say this and the way I say it. With Stephen's passing and the way he passed and how loud it was around the world, I had so much noise around my life while I was in my grief, in my darkest moments, crying, confused. Everything was so uncertain in my life.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Everything was taken from me. I had lost what I thought was the love of my life. My kids no longer had their father. I was so confused. I had no explanation. I had no closure. I had no idea why. I was having so many opinions thrown about me that it was my fault, that I must have seen something, that I must have missed something. That I must have been the cause, that my children, what happened?
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
How did they not see anything? There must be a hidden agenda. There must be this over here. There must be the Illuminati. I've had so many accusations thrown my way. And there was just so much noise everywhere. Questions, doubt in myself, doubt from family, doubt from friends everywhere. People I thought were the closest people to me turning their backs on me.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Some of the people I didn't know that would be there with me coming to be at my lead, to be at my side. It was so confusing and so overwhelming. And then there was a morning I woke up and I still believed in who I was. And with all the naysayers, with all the noise, with all everything that was being said about me, I still believed in me. And I never doubted that.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I still do think there's so much beauty in it, but we didn't have the balance of it. I'm trying now in my life to learn better tools of you can be a positive person while also admitting that you're having a sad day. I wish I could have been a stronger person knowing signs when they were right in front of me, but I didn't know.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I never lost out on my integrity. Because I never called out anyone else. I never said mean things about anyone else. I've never tried justifying anything for anyone. I've just stayed in my own heart, in my own head, and healed myself. And that's where this became my superpower. Because anyone could say anything about me that they want. And I know it will never change me and who I am.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I've never let it. And my kids have been able to see that, that I have never said anything that I regret. I have never made accusations. I've never yelled at anyone that I shouldn't have, you know, tried to make accusations at. I've never let anything destroy who I am in my heart. And I still love living. I still love waking up every single day. I love being a mother.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I still love every experience that's happened to me, no matter how dark it was. That is my superpower. So it doesn't matter what people say about me to me anymore. I'm still standing because I know who I am and that's all that matters. And then when it came to my therapist,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
It was at moments hard to have that belief in myself because so many people were attacking me on social media, in the public eye, family, friends, losing people, that I needed a little bit of extra encouragement from her to really stand on my own two feet. Because a lot of people mostly were coming to me with their own stories while I was on my healing journey.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
They were coming to me with their stories and their grief, and it would be really emotional And she taught me that when people are saying things to you, you're a really strong-willed person, but it's still kind of keeping in there a little bit. She was like, be the mirror.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And visualize a mirror in front of you because all the naysayers, all the hate, all the words, all the questions coming in at you are people doubting themselves and putting it on you. So that also helps. But really, the superpower is believing so much in yourself and knowing and having integrity in who you are and self-worth that no one can drag you down.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yeah.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I didn't have the tools learning about depression before as I never really thought it was something that we were going to have to deal with. So I didn't have the proper tools of really looking back and stepping back and seeing that, wait, this has maybe got a little bit carried away. Maybe there's something deeper happening here. Like the hygiene, he wasn't working out anymore.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Mm-hmm.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
To say those things.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
It was a really helpful tool when my therapist taught me that because I then obviously went and taught my children that because they're dealing with just as much as I'm dealing with. Yes, I'm the adult in it, but this is their world of social media and they're going to grow up with it forever. So I wanted to make sure I shared that tool with them.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Specifically right now, my oldest, who's 16, Wesley's 16 and, you know, in the trenches of social media, but, you know, With social media, I used to tell my kids, ignore it. And I thought that was the best advice. But we all know, no one's – you read it. You read the comments. You read everything. You see what people are saying. So the mirror – Or some friend or relative tells you about it. Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Did you see – So it's a helpful tool, but I'm going to take it one step further. So when my therapist taught me that tool, that it's a reflection of that person and their own insecurities. You're too big. You're too small. You're not pretty. You're too pretty. Whatever it is, it's always a reflection of how that person feels about their own insecurities.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But I'm going to take it one step further because what I now use as my tool for myself is is anything I say about someone else is a reflection of how I see myself. Because if I'm ever gonna be so hateful and terrible towards someone, it's because I'm feeling that way about myself. So you can also use it as a tool of reflection of what you say to someone or about someone. And who you wanna be.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And who you wanna be. So the mirror, the reflection is on both sides.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
He didn't want to be hanging out with friends anymore. I would be inviting people over. He'd be like, I really want people coming over. A lot of people might hear that and be like, so why would you do this? And also they could say to me, why didn't you see it better? It's like, but you justify things when you're with someone because I loved him so much. I was like, it's okay.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes, I can. So I am currently in a relationship with Adam Edmonds. And honestly, I'm so blessed that he's in my life. He's so beautiful. He's wonderful to me. He's great with my children. He's a support system. He makes me laugh. We share in such amazing conversation. He helps me explore the world, explore myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And we have conversations that really explore life and each other and take us to bounds and leaps and places I never thought I could go. And while also being really fun and lighthearted, it feels like on our relationship, everything feels easy. And of course it's not, there's a lot that we still have to work through and navigate and work out together.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
But doing with someone that you love and sees you and hears you fully is just, it's something that I appreciate so much in him, in that we get to share in life and experience it together. And there's an outpouring of respect that we have. And we both have been through so much.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I think when both parties have experienced loss or grief in your life, you just want to celebrate that person and lift them up every single day. And I feel like that's what we try to do. And we do that. And it's something that's so beautiful. I'm so happy that I gave myself permission in my life to have love and experience and freedom with someone.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And I am just so grateful that God brought him into my life. He's been so wonderful.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes. Oh, it was so perfect. Literally, the moment I met him, it was just out of this world and the connection is deep and so rooted. And it feels like we've been together in past lives. And we were always supposed to find each other and just reconnect and be together. And it needed the right moment in life for us to be able to accept each other.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
and be there for each other fully at our full capacity and our full love, full availability. And it has been just magnificent and perfect. And it's interesting when you've gone through life in the way that we have, people get really scared to admit that. And I just want to yell it and scream it that I'm in love and it's beautiful. And I, and I love that my kids get to see it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I sometimes think he doubted himself so much if he deserved that love because he was receiving so much of it that he thought he had to outpour it. Just give it to as many people as I can. To make him almost convince himself maybe that would make him deserve the love. That, yeah, you have to learn for yourself to understand that you deserve, you deserve so much love for who you are.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Thank you so much. You've been so lovely. Thank you.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And you don't have to earn any of it. You can just receive it.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Worthy is groundbreaking.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
This book is going to change lives. This book literally will teach you how to actually feel worthy so that you can have the strength, you can have the confidence.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I am the best version of myself that I've ever been. I'm a stronger version of myself. I'm a happier version of myself.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And it's because I can honestly look back on my life and say that I have left it and lived it through integrity and honesty, authenticity, and I have carried my beautiful children with me, lifting them up, having honest conversations with them, still seeing the beauty of life no matter what is thrown my way. And I'm really proud of that. Be the mirror.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
and visualize a mirror in front of you because all the naysayers, all the hate, all the words, all the questions coming in at you are people doubting themselves and putting it on you. So that also helps.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
What's interesting when you've gone through life in the way that we have, people get really scared to admit that. And I just want to yell it and scream it that I'm in love.
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Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Yes.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Mm-hmm.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
It was devastating, very confusing. Like you said, three weeks before he committed suicide, we were celebrating that we wanted more kids. And the joke in our home was I gave him an option. Either he gets another kid or he gets the three Doberman Pinschers that he wanted to have. But I was like, you can't have both. You don't get three new dogs and a new baby.
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Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And it was something that our family was joking about for months. I had told Steven I would love to have another kid with him, but he also was like, oh, I don't know. I kind of want to have these dogs though. And Wesley would chime in about it. Maddox would chime in. I was a little bit too young to really fully understand, but it would be like a casual talk at our dinner table.
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Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
Like, all right, what's the choice gonna be? Which is why we were so willing to talk about it on the Jennifer Hudson show. You know, they obviously vet questions. It's not like they randomly come up with these questions. They would talk. It was, what's something that's so funny that you guys are talking about in your house? And that was something that was coming from him.
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Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
You know, we also were actively looking at new homes at that time, you know, and he would be sending me pictures of homes and I'd be sending him pictures of homes and we'd be discussing like what we wanted and the best area to live in for our kids and their futures.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
When you're doing those things and laughing about it and having so much fun and you're involving the children in on those kinds of conversations, to have him decide to make this really permanent decision to leave us was very confusing. there were no signs at that moment that we had seen. And I say at that moment because I had been with Steven for 13 years.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
I started dating him when I was 22 years old and you know, all these little kinks that he had had that maybe I look back on now as maybe being signs of depression or maybe being signs that he had like really big lows happening in his life. At those moments, we kind of justified them because they had always been there. They weren't new things.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And so it was very confusing when he made that decision because we were blindsided. There had never been discussions in our house or individually with me or him being in therapy where there was big discussions happening that he'd been questioning.
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Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
these kinds of choices for himself or been so low that he needed to be in therapy or been so low with our family that we needed family therapy or been so low with me that he might need couples therapy there there had been no discussions or lead up to any sort of low happening in our family household to ever have seen anything coming this way um And I didn't believe it at first.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
When the cops first told me what had happened, I did not believe them. I thought they had gotten the wrong person. And I was like, I was convinced that it was wrong. I was like, no, you guys don't understand. There's no possible way that this is my husband. and my kid's father. There's no way. I was like, you guys don't know him.
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And it took a lot to impact that he made that decision, especially after a lot of the knowledge that I've grown over the last couple of years from discussing this topic with therapists and with crisis leaders and crisis teams, explaining that what they've said to me is that unfortunately, when he talked about shame in himself,
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
A lot of the shame he might've felt for himself was the hardest thing to learn is how sad he had been probably for so many years and covering it up that I also didn't know and couldn't have helped, that none of his family or friends knew that he was this low and couldn't have helped and that he was so sad and not willing to ask for help
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Are You Hiding Behind Happy? Allison Holker Reveals All Pt 2:The Power of Sharing Your Struggles, Creating Community & Healing Together
And, um, to be a partner that you feel so like I, we had such a, I got such a beautiful relationship and one that was, I thought in enthralled with trust and love and joy. And no one has ever heard that from him ever.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
You know, the people that were closest to Steven, we always actively talked, and he would in interviews himself, talk that he did have the two personalities. He was Steven to the closest around him, but then he also wore the face of tWitch. And being in entertainment, I've always heard about celebrities or artists wearing those faces.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
You know, you hear about, I believe that Beyonce has one and she's like Salsa Fierce as well on the side. So you always hear about people that kind of take on these characters when they get on stage. And so I've never really seen it as anything, but wow, that's a really fun way of living your life.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Like, you know, you get to be your stage performer, but then you get to be you, you know, behind closed doors with the people you love and care about the most. Yeah. And it's kind of like almost like a protective shield. And I always saw Steven doing that. Steven would be Steven with our family and then he'd be Twitch for the people.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And sometimes they would intertwine, you know, they would kind of veer back and forth in our home space. But Steven at home was extremely introverted and Twitch to the people was extremely extroverted. And what I've come to now learn about him is that those things can exist and be real, but sometimes I think he masked his lows when he was maybe dealing with his depression as Steven.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Like I need time to recoup my energy from being Twitch all day. And not just from exuding all this energy, which I thought it was like, oh, he's just tired. Like he just had a big day of putting on this extroverted energy that he just needs times to rest and like kind of recoup the energy back. But no, he was actually masking that he was actually really sad and depressed sometimes.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And maybe not every time, but some of the times it was actually his depression taking over him that he would mask that energy with.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I think sometimes now when I look at depression or these traits that he had, I wish that he would have had help with therapy or someone he felt safe talking about the conflictions that he would have with himself and his personality and maybe learning better tools to keep some of himself full in his own cup instead of always trying to pour out into everyone else.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Stephen was someone that people...
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
trusted you you were in a safe place when you spoke with him and you could he would never judge you for what you were going through and that's what was so beautiful about him is he he opened his heart to anyone and everyone anything you were going through and and he would make time for you and he'd make space for you and he would just listen he was such a great listener and
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And you would always walk away feeling so much better. And I know if he would have told himself the things I've heard him say to other people, he could have helped himself. But with that role he took on, I think he was really scared of people not wanting to do that anymore if he maybe was honest about what he was going through.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Because then just knowing his personality and how much he loved that and cared for people and some of the things he's now said and things I have read that he's wrote, it's he feared if he wasn't that hero for other people and if he maybe was honest about what he was going through, maybe they'd question going to him.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Like maybe we would trigger him and we can't trust talking to him about it because maybe it would get him into a low. if we're honest with him about what they're going through. And he liked being that person for people. And that's why I do, I really believe that he always wanted to help people. Even in his lowest moment, he thought he was helping.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yeah. I think I always grew up thinking that if I just power through and, and same for him, like if we're, we wake up and we say our gratitude and we say our affirmations and it really does pump you up. Yeah. That's why I'm saying I still do it to this day and I see so much beauty behind it.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And he was the same way we, we had like dry erase markers and we'd constantly be writing on our mirrors and writing stuff to each other to pump each other up. And You know, if we were tired or sad, we'd be like, oh, let's go read this book together. Let's listen to this podcast together. And we both loved that and generated so much of who we are from that.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I still do think there's so much beauty in it, but we didn't have the balance of it. We didn't have the balance of it. I think we we also both enjoy our work so much and became such work heavy people. And he was such a work guru that I think in order to mask going through his deeper rooted feelings, I think he would keep himself busy.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I as well, I can't say that I'm talking just about him, I do the same thing and I still struggle with that. It's just I'm trying now in my life to learn better tools of, you can be a positive person while also admitting that you're having a sad day.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yes. You know, it's interesting because when it first started unfolding, I just thought it was like, it really pains me to say this because I wish I could have been a stronger person knowing signs when they were right in front of me, but I didn't know. But the hygiene thing to me is probably the biggest red flag.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I honestly just was like, he's been working his face off for like 15 years straight. He's tired. He's like, let me just be a man laying in bed all day. Let me rest up. Because we knew that going into the next year, like after the Ellen show ended, we had like six months and he was still working all of that summer.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
We knew we only had like a couple more months before we were supposed to have our biggest year of our lives with jobs. So I kind of just was like, oh, like he's just sleeping right now. He didn't feel like showering today because he didn't have to go to a set. Like we just kind of, and he would joke about it. Like he'd be like, I know, I'm sorry.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Or like, it was something that we were aware of, but we more painted it like, nah, you've got a couple more months before we got to get back in shape and get back into everything. And And we would discuss it. And he discussed it even in interviews and stuff that was like, yeah, like this is just my time to kind of sit back. And we kind of justified everything instead of like,
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
You know, I didn't have the tools learning about depression before as I never really thought it was something that we were going to have to deal with. So I didn't have the proper tools of really looking back and stepping back and seeing that, wait, this has maybe got a little bit carried away. Maybe there's something deeper happening here. Like the hygiene, he wasn't working out anymore.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
You know, there was a time when we were in Hawaii with our kids that I now look back on and it pains me so much. We were going to the beach. I packed everyone their sandwiches, got the kids ready, and he was actively like not helping. And I don't say that to tear him down, but he wasn't. He was sitting on the couch and not helping getting with you ready. But I was like, all right, cool.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Me and my nanny were doing it. Got everything ready for the kids, got all their activities ready. And we go to the beach and we're running into the water and the waves and we're all laughing. And I looked back at him and he was wearing all black, he had his black tennis shoes on, his black sweatpants he wore every single day because he wasn't showering and washing his clothes.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Same black hoodie, he had his black backpack, or sorry, his green backpack on. Still on his back while we're sitting at the beach in Hawaii, in the sun, black beanie on, arms folded, black sunglasses, sitting. And again, I had said to myself, he's been working his face off. He's just tired. Like, who am I to try to like drag him out into the water if he doesn't want to, you know?
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I probably was like overly cautious of stuff like that, but I was like, I don't want to invade his space. It's okay. It's okay for him to just have this moment with himself. Because we would always talk about how introverted he is and he likes to be in his thoughts and stuff. But now I look back on that and a lot of people might hear that and be like, well, so why would he do this?
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And also they could say to me, why didn't you see it better? It's like, but you justify things when you're with someone. Because I loved him so much. I was like, it's okay. And you say he wouldn't take the backpack off. Do you know what was in the backpack? Yes. He always had his self-help books in his backpack and his journals.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And even then, like, you know, when he would be feeling a little bit like tired or exhausted, he'd always like hold his books and read them. And they were always self-help books. He loved books like The Alchemist was one of his favorite books. The Four Agreements was one of his favorite books. And he constantly had books like that on him.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
When the cops first told me what had happened, I did not believe them. I thought they had gotten the wrong person.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And that's looking back on things like that is when I realized that when he was checked out at the times I thought he was like recouping his energy, he was really in his thoughts in a dark place.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I really believe that he was such, because I don't say these things to tear him apart. He was such a beautiful individual, but so beautiful in his heart that he never wanted anyone ever to feel his pain. He never wanted that for people. He always wanted to be someone that they could look to and lean to at any given moment that he could just pour out to them. And I really believe that
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
He loved people so much. Because I've also had people ask me, were people not pouring into him? And I'm like, this man was loved by our family, by his family, by all of his friends. He was, oh, he was reveled. People loved him. Everyone idolized him and looked up to him and could lean on him and trusted him.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But I sometimes think he doubted himself so much if he deserved that love because he was receiving so much of it that he thought he had to outpour it, just give it to as many people as I can. To make him almost convince himself maybe that would make him deserve the love. That, yeah, you have to learn for yourself to understand that you deserve, you deserve so much love for who you are.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And you don't have to earn any of it. You can just receive it.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I think he started towards the end having a little bit of cracks that he was getting a little bit low. And I think him seeing that himself, when people would start asking, are you okay? Are you okay today? It would trigger him. And he would get really upset when you asked him that because he always thought he could wear this face and convince everyone he was okay.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And that's another thing that we started to notice is if you asked him if he was okay, it was very triggering to him. It was like, yes, I'm okay, of course I'm okay. And so I think those little things starting to pour out into our children or into me or into people starting to see that, Oh, he's maybe not okay today.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I think it was a very big turning point for him. I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. There was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped. I will always celebrate Steven. I think he was a wonderful person, and I'm really sad what he went through.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I think him seeing how people react to that maybe or how they might react to it started concerning him.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
We had hiked to the highest peak of the mountain in Hawaii and it was magical. We had to go all the way above the clouds and we wanted to stargaze. And it was something that we did without the kids.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision. And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
we wanted to just do it with ourselves so we could have this like really romantic moment together and we got to the very very top and it was oh the stars were so bright that night it was so beautiful and we were having this big discussion about life life and death and how beautiful it is and how that we don't believe that after you die that that's the end of everything that
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
you could cross into another life. Like you could cross into another path or another future and that you could find that love again in another lifetime. And we had this, what I thought was such a beautiful discussion about life after. And I was like, wow, like we're so deep. I was like, this is so incredible. And I feel like I always was learning from him.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And sometimes I look back on that discussion of like, wow, like we really beautified death. And he was never scared of death. He almost celebrated it in that moment. And it kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies looking back on it. Because parts of it still are really beautiful. But some of the things and the depth that he would go and the thoughts that he had had, death had been on his mind.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
It almost felt like sometimes he thought death was chasing him. And he was learning to accept it. And so I sometimes look back on that discussion because I remember going back to our Airbnb that we had had at the time and I was like, wow, like we had such a profound talk and it was so beautiful.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And sometimes I look back and I'm just like, his thoughts in mind had been racing about it for a very long time.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. He still could find joy and he could still go day by day, you know, putting on his face and getting through the days. But there was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I used to think they were weird quirks and weird things. And he would tell people that, yeah, I don't let her come downstairs, so I give her her morning coffee. And I used to laugh at it and be like, oh, ha, ha, ha, he's so sweet bringing me coffee. But really, why wasn't I allowed to come downstairs? Because he would be triggered if I came downstairs before. I'd be in trouble.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Can you talk about the tree emoji the night before he died? This will be something I will always be confused about.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But as his wife, I just kind of thought, oh, it's cute. And it's his way of letting me know that I'm allowed to come downstairs. But now looking back, I'm like, well, that's I guess it's not really a normal thing in a relationship. And our kids also weren't allowed to go downstairs. There was like an order in which things had to happen for him to feel comfortable to start his day.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And at first I was like, oh, well, it's just kind of like our morning routine. Right. And now as I've come to learn and my own self-healing, learning that, oh, that's not normal. That's not okay. And I started to unpack a lot more of like, well, what were you doing in the morning? Why did you need to have that much time? What was going on? So it's, I think sometimes what I'm learning right now is
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I will always celebrate Stephen. I think he was a wonderful person. And I'm really sad what he went through. But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through. But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Oh, this will be something I will always be confused about. So the night Steven, he came home. He was very triggered. He was very triggered. Me and Wesley were watching The White Lotus show. We loved that show. And he came in and I could tell something was wrong. Um, he had texted me earlier that night, a tree emoji, which was his way of telling me he was going to the dispensary.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Um, he didn't do it that often though, but if he was going, you know, either he told me, but I was with Wesley, so he probably didn't want to say to me that he was going. So sometimes he would use like a tree emoji or symbolism and text me. Um, but the reason that night it felt different was because the next day when he decided to take his life, he had been at the Oak Tree Inn.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And there was a tree that looked just like the emoji. And the dispensary was right across the street. And I've always wondered to myself, was he at the hotel already? Is that why he came home so triggered? Had he attempted and then got scared and then was too shameful to tell me? And I'll never know. But that night was very triggering for me. And it was very obviously triggering for him
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But I'll never know. But that emoji will always kind of be a little bit of a scar for me.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
We had had so much trust in our relationship that we never had ever had locations on our phones. I had never even looked at his phone. I don't even know what his codes are. I don't know any of his passwords. I don't have a bank account shared with him. I never had. I wouldn't even know how to...
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
When I went to the cops the first time, they wouldn't even let me in because I'm not sure what the rules are everywhere, but in LA, you can't report an adult missing shorter than 24 hours. So I had called and tried reporting and it wasn't working. I had ran there because I was like, this is just different. And they wouldn't even open the door to me to report him a missing person.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I just knew something was wrong. I just, I knew this isn't my husband. He hasn't just not come home. He hasn't just like take off and, you know, miss dinner with my kids. He doesn't just do any of that. So I knew something was really, really wrong. And I was convinced he was hurt. I was convinced he had been in a car wreck or I didn't know.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I had no idea, but I was convinced he was in a hospital or he had been wrongfully arrested. But they wouldn't accept me for 24 hours. And then when I finally made the report, you know, now I look back and I'm like, unfortunately, these reports are probably being made, unfortunately, way too often than they should.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And so I now know that they were just doing their jobs, but it felt like when they were asking me questions, they were like, you don't, He's probably just ran away at a bar with friends, doesn't want to see you, you know. And it just felt like they were shoving this man away, like, you know. But really, you know, they were doing their jobs and they were doing a really good job.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But it just to me at the moment felt like you're not doing enough. You're not looking for my man. He's probably hurt and he might die in this moment that we're not looking for him. And to this day, I can never really express to someone trying to navigate how to find someone that you love so much and you don't know where to look. It's very scary.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
We had had so much trust in our relationship that we never had ever had locations on our phones. I had never even looked at his phone. I don't even know what his codes are. I don't know any of his passwords.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I don't have a bank account shared with him I never had I wouldn't even know how to look at anything like that's how much in our relationship was just like if he told me something I just believed it and so when the cops were asking me all these questions well have you looked at his phone where is he knows locations have you looked at his bank accounts I was like I don't have access to any of it and to to me I look at that as being a trust thing the cops they were like
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Why don't you have access to any of that? And so those things kind of trigger you when you're going through those things of like, I don't know why I would have those things. I never thought about it before. But really at the end of the day, the cops were a huge support system to me and they were really patient with me and kind to me and they were kind to my children.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I'll always be forever grateful for the way they tried handling that situation with me.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
look at anything like that's how much in our relationship was just like if he told me something i just believed it and so when the cops were asking me all these questions well have you looked at his phone where is you know his locations have you looked at his bank accounts i was like i don't have access to any of it on the third day after he passed you were cuddling your daughter zaya and you say stephen paid you a visit
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
When we lost our dog, Crypto, which was Stephen's best friend, it was a few years ago, and I remember the vet telling Stephen, and he came home and conveyed the message to me, our dog, Crypto, had a couple of times tried leaving our home and disappearing, and it's because our dog was very sick. And what the vet had told us was that
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
when animals feel sick that run in a pack, they don't want their loved ones to get sick with what they have. So they choose to leave and pass away with not taking any harm to their own family. And I remember that really sat really deep with me and Steven that like crypto left our home, not because he didn't want to be with us, but because he was almost trying to protect us.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And that moment came back to me when Steven passed away the way he did. and where he chose to leave. He didn't want to be too far away from us because he missed us and loved us so much, but he didn't want to be around us because he loved us so much.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yeah. You know, I... I've always had dreams since I was young that sometimes come to life and I've had dreams that become very real. Two of my children named themselves in their dreams to me. I had seen Wesley and Wesley told me her name was Wesley well before she was born and Maddox I had seen in my dreams and someone else called him Maddox in my dream.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But I had seen my children in my dreams well before they were born. I believe in that. I believe that sometimes you can tap into future or past and present moments that are unfamiliar and bizarre. But if you study it and learn it and accept it, it can come to you. After Steven had passed, I hadn't slept in about four or five days, I think it had gone by at this point.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And my kids really hadn't either. And Ziya was crying hysterically and it was supposed to be nap time, but she just could not settle herself. She could not go to sleep. So I went into her room and I laid with her. And she's very, very little and she's still trying to comprehend what had just happened. And I laid in bed with her. And we both just held each other.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And then all of a sudden the room started shaking and my eyes, I closed my eyes, but I wasn't asleep yet. And everything started shaking in the room. And there was almost like the static you see on TV behind my eyes. It was like black and white static. And I saw three faces. And I don't know to this day what those other two faces were, but it was staticking between three different faces.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And then at the very end, I held onto one of the faces and it said, I'm so sorry. And I love you so much. I'm sorry. And Steven's face faded away. And then we both took a nap. It was the first time I had slept. And I think maybe one of the first times she had slept since everything had happened. And I woke up and I felt a lot more settled.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I wasn't fully healed or anything like that, but I felt settled. that he was watching over us and looking out for us.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yes. There's been moments of Stephen visiting both Wesley and I multiple times. He still visits us and still talks with us. And, you know, there's been times though, it's been really beautiful and then there's times it's been a little scary. But I know we feel him and when we need him, we go talk to him.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And then there's also been unfortunate times we've been like, please give us some space on the flip side of that. And there's been times that we've been like, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to see you. I'd love to speak with you. But we know that he's watching over our family. I know that Steven always loved us and always wanted to protect us.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And in whatever way in his mind, he thought he was doing that. And I'll never fully comprehend and I'll never fully understand that that was his choice. And I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to forgive him, not for me, because I forgave him for me, but for my children that that was the choice he did. But in his heart of hearts, he thought that he made the right choice.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yeah. And said, I'm so sorry. And I love you so much. I'm sorry. And Stephen's face faded away. I felt a lot more settled. I wasn't fully healed or anything like that, but I felt settled that he was watching over us.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And my job now as the parent to these beautiful children is for them to know that this is not the way out. There are other avenues. There is therapy. There is help. There is talking to the right individuals. There's a support team around you that will help navigate the space with you. That the choice that he made is not the choice that we will make moving forward.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I always grew up in a religion with my family that I have so much respect for, but I had left it for a few years. And then I really wanted to go on my own journey of faith. And I was so blessed to find the Mosaic Church with Erwin McManus. He's my pastor and Beck and Joe. I absolutely adore them. And I've been going to that church now for years. I don't know, well over eight, nine years.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I absolutely adore it. They're my people. And I had brought Steven with me a couple of times and he kind of got into it. And Steven, when he was growing up, had bounced around a couple of different faiths with his family. And then he would go with me to the Mosaic Church. I think Stephen would say he was more of a spiritual person, more than a religious person.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
He was always on a journey trying to find himself and become the best version of himself, which is why he did a lot of
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
reading and listening to podcasts and he always wanted to he always really was trying to be the best version of himself always so he was a deeply spiritual person he would pray he didn't read scriptures or bibles by any means that wasn't his choice but yeah he was a very spiritual being Have you talked to God about this? I have. I've talked to God. I've talked to my pastor. And
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
It's really hard because for me, I feel like in my heart, I've learned forgiveness and the complications and the complexities of everything. And I've never questioned God through it because I think a death like this is a little bit different. I think when people lose someone, when they're a person of faith, I believe sometimes they question God.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But I think when someone takes their own life, you don't question God in it, you question the person and why. So I think for my children and myself, we still believe that God is so beautiful and looking out for us and seeing us and representing us and being there for us. It's the person we question what they were going through.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Because I know a lot of people when they experience death, they question God. But this wasn't God's choice. This wasn't God's doing. He still wraps his arms around us and he still supports us. And he still sees us and he still sees my children.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yes. There's been moments of Stephen visiting both Wesley and I multiple times. He still visits us and still talks with us.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yes, even the unfair things. But you can't have one without the other. You can't have love without having pain. You can't have highs without having lows. It's the only way we see we have those. And so that's why I've never questioned God. I've never questioned life. I've never questioned the beauty and the existence of waking up every single day and looking at the trees.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Like when I wake up and I feel the wind on my face, I just feel so blessed. I don't question any of it. I know that life is the gift. I've always believed it. I still believe it to this day. And I know my kids, that's what I want for them. And I know that life life through all of its lows. It's how you handle it. I truly believe that we're given a choice every day. We often hear the afterlife.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Are you going to go to heaven or hell? And yes, you can believe that. But I also believe that we have that choice here today on earth. Which are you going to pick? Are you going to pick your life hell? Are you going to pick your life heaven? And I choose every single day to say that this planet, this place I am at right now with my decisions and my choices is my heaven.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
with how I look at the world, with how I use it, with how I see it, with the people I surround myself with, that the choices I make daily, the The way I see things, the gratitude I have, this is my heaven. And I can have a heaven after, but I'm not waiting for that heaven. I can live it now. And that's something I try to teach my children.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I still think that life, even through your darkest moments and your darkest beliefs or the things you've had to experience, it's what makes life so beautiful if you accept it.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Have you talked to God about this? I know a lot of people, when they experience death, they question God. But this wasn't God's choice. This wasn't God's doing. He still wraps his arms around us and he still supports us. And he still sees us and he still sees my children.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Well, first it breaks my heart to see so many people that haven't shared so many full parts of themselves with the people they love for so long. And they've walked around with this pain on their shoulders and tried shielding it from everyone to protect everyone around them. So it pains me.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But also that is what, you know, as we're talking about the beauty of life and death is Stephen was an example to people that we should choose a different way and we can be support systems and we can trust that we can still be loved. by the people around us if we just lean on them a little bit. And they're not going to see us differently.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
So it also makes me really happy that so many people are willing to come forward now, especially these men that have been maybe on the brink of their own sadness and questioning themselves. And is this okay? I'm so proud of them for finally stepping into their full wholeness of emotions of
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
willing to share who they are and what they're going through and willing to go to therapy now and talk about it or reach out to their friends and check on them in a different kind of capacity now. I'm really proud of them for taking those steps forward. And I hope that we can just continue to encourage each other to do that. Because that's what this is.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
That's what life is, is we're supposed to be a community of people coming together, acting like villagers, supporting each other, leaning on each other, letting someone have a low and experiencing it, but then how do we pull you out of it? Let's get you back. You know, we're not going to run from these emotions. We're going to experience them, but we're not going to sit in them forever.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
We're going to find healthy tools to get out of it and support each other. And it just makes me really proud that the community is now coming together. I can't tell you how many support groups I've now known of friends that... I've had friends for years that are men that came to me like, I'm now in like a little social group and they meet once a week and they just talk about their emotions.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
In Utah, I have one of my best friends. He now goes to a support group of men and they do sound baths every month. And it's just a place for them to go to meet up with other people that are maybe having a hard day and they do healing journeys together now through healthy mechanisms. And, you know, I've had so many letters of people saying that they opened up to their wives for the first time.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
He's really proud of my children. And I do think he's proud of me. He's told me he is. And he wanted me to do this. I was so scared that is this the right choice? Because I hope people read the messaging of what I really want this to be.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
An uncle. That's so dear. I had no idea was so low cried to me. He just melted into my arms and was like I Understand Steven so much and I'm so sorry and it gave me the courage to open up now, you know And so I'm I'm grateful that unfortunately this happened to me my family But it's made an impact around the world to hopefully bring some change you share in your book that um through a psychic
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I think he's proud of everyone. That's all he ever wanted to do was celebrate everyone.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
else in their lives and I think he's really proud that people are bringing change and finding bravery in themselves to step forward and pick up these pieces and carry on through life I think he's really proud and I think he is proud of my family I think he's really proud of my children and I do think he's proud of me he's told me he is and he wanted me to do this I was so scared that is this the right choice because I hope people read the messaging of what I really want this to be
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And he told me to move forward with it. And I did not tell this medium about this book. I did not tell the medium what was going on. I didn't tell the medium to try to reach for anything in this kind of department. He just said it to her and threw her to me. And it was a moment I'll never forget.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And it gave me so much courage that no matter what is said, I know I'm doing the right thing for the right reason. And it was both beautiful and scary having someone speak him and his words to me directly. And it was completely unexpected. And it was just something that I needed at that moment. And I think he knew I needed that. And so he came in again into my life and gave me the
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
encouragement and the right and not even permission, but just that he saw what I was doing and believed in it as well.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And he told me to move forward with it.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I have not danced at full capacity and I know that pains me and so many others to hear, and I know I will get there, but this has been a long journey for me. And I think what I've been doing the last couple of years is taking one healing step at a time and making sure I'm fully ready to embrace it. So then I'm doing it for the right reasons.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And so every step of this journey for me has felt different. Like I'm conquering something new for myself and conquering something new for my children. And I know I'm gonna get to that step, but I want to be there so bad. And I know I have so many people supporting me, wanting to see me there, and they're just waiting for that moment to happen.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Steven would be Steven with our family, and then he'd be Twitch for the people. Steven at home was extremely introverted and Twitch to the people was extremely extroverted. And what I've come to now learn about him is that those things can exist and be real, but sometimes I think he masked his lows when he was maybe dealing with his depression as Steven.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I am too, but I know it'll happen at the right time when I'm fully ready to embrace it, where I can accept my talents and my skills again, but not just to do it, but to also give back with it in the same way I used to. I've always said that I was a storyteller through dance, but I always told other people's stories through dance.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I think my journey now through dance, it's just waiting for me to finally be able to dance this story. And so it's just waiting for the right moment and the right preparation and the right people to be around there and around me supporting that to bring it to life. And I know it will happen, but unfortunately it hasn't happened yet, but it will happen at the right moment. Yeah.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Do you know what song it will be too? I think it's actually going to be a collection of songs. In order for me to fully express this journey I've been through and this story that I have to tell, it's going to be a whole... It's gonna be a whole production and I'm excited about it, but it will be a lot of work ahead of me.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But I know it's an important one to tell and to share because though I have this book and I can share my story with my words, I know my powers and my movements and that still needs to be shared.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yes, I know. It's going to take a lot of work for me not to have to be crying the whole way through it as well. Yeah. But I'm excited for that. And I know at the right time it will call to me.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I love that. Thank you for that. Because it is, everyone always wants to jump to the past. People tend to live in the present, but no one wants to look at who you are moving into. I am the best version of myself that I've ever been. I'm a stronger version of myself. I'm a happier version of myself.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And it's because I can honestly look back on my life and say that I have left it and lived it through integrity and honesty, authenticity. And I have carried my beautiful children with me, lifting them up, having honest conversations with them. still seeing the beauty of life no matter what is thrown my way. And I'm really proud of that. The person I am today, I'm proud of that I can...
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
honestly say that I just want to lift people up. I want to see people succeed. I want to lift myself up. I still romanticize about life. I still see the beauty. I can look at a tree and look at it with such eyes of like, oh gosh, this is such a majestic thing that's existing in front of me. And it's so beautiful. And I get to experience it. I can look at the
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
the littlest thing in the room, the biggest thing in the room, and still celebrate it. That's who I am. I am someone that still wants everyone around me to be the best versions of themselves. I don't wish harm on anyone. And to me, that's what life is, is just going out and experiencing and accepting. And if you can do that and be resilient, You've won. You've won.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I think I always grew up thinking that if I just power through, and same for him, we wake up and we say our gratitude and we say our affirmations and it really does pump you up. Yeah. That's why I'm saying I still do it to this day. And I see so much beauty behind it. And he was the same way.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I just want to continue to do that and to teach that and preach that to other people. That what I am today is I'm happy and I'm settled and I'm content with whatever's thrown my way. And I know I'll be okay. That's who I am today.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I'm really proud of that. You know, there was definitely a moment where after the tragedy that I was really in doubt with myself of, will I ever like myself? Will I ever forgive myself? Can I ever forgive him? Could I ever get past this great loss and trust anyone again? Could I trust myself? Can I look at people and ever see the beauty again? I did.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
There was like, I mean, it wasn't very long though. You know, there's a moment. There's a moment you feel really, really low. Can I ever be loved? Can I love? And then I quickly turned that around and said, no, that's not who I am. It's not what I've ever believed. And I'm not gonna let myself fall down that tunnel. I deserve love. I deserve life.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I deserve to still experience this with my children, and they more than anything deserve that. And I can't be an example telling anyone to pick up and wake up and go about a day and see the beauty in life if I'm not doing that myself. So I quickly turned the energy of victim mentality and woe is me. And I was like, I don't live this way. That's not who I am.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I gave myself that permission to be fully embracing and accepting of life and love because that is what we're here to do. And that's what I want to preach. And that's what I want somebody to tell me. And that's what I'm going to tell someone else. And that's what I'm going to tell my own personal being to be. Every single day. And I have chose love.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And with giving myself that permission, it has found me again. And it's brighter. And it's more beautiful than I could have ever expected. And it's healthy. And it's shiny and wonderful. And it gets to be a beautiful thing that my kids get to share with me as well. And they get permission now to do that for them.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
We had like dry erase markers and we'd constantly be writing on our mirrors and writing stuff to each other to pump each other up. And, you know, if we were tired or sad, we'd be like, oh, let's go read this book together. Let's listen to this podcast together. And we both loved that and generated so much of who we are from that.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Well, even before I get to the tool. Yeah. I will say, and I know a lot of people are gonna have questions about why I say this and the way I say it. With Stephen's passing and the way he passed and how loud it was around the world, I had so much noise around my life while I was in my grief, in my darkest moments, crying, confused. Everything was so uncertain in my life.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Everything was taken from me. I had lost what I thought was the love of my life. My kids no longer had their father. I was so confused. I had no explanation. I had no closure. I had no idea why. I was having so many opinions thrown about me that it was my fault, that I must have seen something, that I must have missed something. That I must have been the cause, that my children, what happened?
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
How did they not see anything? There must be a hidden agenda. There must be this over here. There must be the Illuminati. I've had so many accusations thrown my way. And there was just so much noise everywhere. Questions, doubt in myself, doubt from family, doubt from friends everywhere. People I thought were the closest people to me turning their backs on me.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Some of the people I didn't know that would be there with me coming to be at my lead, to be at my side. It was so confusing and so overwhelming. And then there was a morning I woke up and I still believed in who I was. And with all the naysayers, with all the noise, with all everything that was being said about me, I still believed in me. And I never doubted that.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I still do think there's so much beauty in it, but we didn't have the balance of it. I'm trying now in my life to learn better tools of you can be a positive person while also admitting that you're having a sad day. I wish I could have been a stronger person knowing signs when they were right in front of me, but I didn't know.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I never lost out on my integrity. Because I never called out anyone else. I never said mean things about anyone else. I've never tried justifying anything for anyone. I've just stayed in my own heart, in my own head, and healed myself. And that's where this became my superpower. Because anyone could say anything about me that they want. And I know it will never change me and who I am.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I've never let it. And my kids have been able to see that, that I have never said anything that I regret. I have never made accusations. I've never yelled at anyone that I shouldn't have, you know, tried to make accusations at. I've never let anything destroy who I am in my heart. And I still love living. I still love waking up every single day. I love being a mother.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I still love every experience that's happened to me, no matter how dark it was. That is my superpower. So it doesn't matter what people say about me to me anymore. I'm still standing because I know who I am and that's all that matters. And then when it came to my therapist,
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
It was at moments hard to have that belief in myself because so many people were attacking me on social media, in the public eye, family, friends, losing people, that I needed a little bit of extra encouragement from her to really stand on my own two feet. Because a lot of people mostly were coming to me with their own stories while I was on my healing journey.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
They were coming to me with their stories and their grief, and it would be really emotional And she taught me that when people are saying things to you, you're a really strong-willed person, but it's still kind of keeping in there a little bit. She was like, be the mirror.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And visualize a mirror in front of you because all the naysayers, all the hate, all the words, all the questions coming in at you are people doubting themselves and putting it on you. So that also helps. But really, the superpower is believing so much in yourself and knowing and having integrity in who you are and self-worth that no one can drag you down.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I didn't have the tools learning about depression before as I never really thought it was something that we were going to have to deal with. So I didn't have the proper tools of really looking back and stepping back and seeing that, wait, this has maybe got a little bit carried away. Maybe there's something deeper happening here. Like the hygiene, he wasn't working out anymore.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
It was a really helpful tool when my therapist taught me that because I then obviously went and taught my children that because they're dealing with just as much as I'm dealing with. Yes, I'm the adult in it, but this is their world of social media and they're going to grow up with it forever. So I wanted to make sure I shared that tool with them.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Specifically right now, my oldest, who's 16, Wesley's 16 and, you know, in the trenches of social media, but, you know, With social media, I used to tell my kids, ignore it. And I thought that was the best advice. But we all know, no one's – you read it. You read the comments. You read everything. You see what people are saying. So the mirror – Or some friend or relative tells you about it. Yes.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Did you see – So it's a helpful tool, but I'm going to take it one step further. So when my therapist taught me that tool, that it's a reflection of that person and their own insecurities. You're too big. You're too small. You're not pretty. You're too pretty. Whatever it is, it's always a reflection of how that person feels about their own insecurities.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But I'm going to take it one step further because what I now use as my tool for myself is is anything I say about someone else is a reflection of how I see myself. Because if I'm ever gonna be so hateful and terrible towards someone, it's because I'm feeling that way about myself. So you can also use it as a tool of reflection of what you say to someone or about someone. And who you wanna be.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And who you wanna be. So the mirror, the reflection is on both sides.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
He didn't want to be hanging out with friends anymore. I would be inviting people over. He'd be like, I really want people coming over. A lot of people might hear that and be like, so why would you do this? And also they could say to me, why didn't you see it better? It's like, but you justify things when you're with someone because I loved him so much. I was like, it's okay.
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Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yes, I can. So I am currently in a relationship with Adam Edmonds. And honestly, I'm so blessed that he's in my life. He's so beautiful. He's wonderful to me. He's great with my children. He's a support system. He makes me laugh. We share in such amazing conversation. He helps me explore the world, explore myself.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And we have conversations that really explore life and each other and take us to bounds and leaps and places I never thought I could go. And while also being really fun and lighthearted, it feels like on our relationship, everything feels easy. And of course it's not, there's a lot that we still have to work through and navigate and work out together.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
But doing with someone that you love and sees you and hears you fully is just, it's something that I appreciate so much in him, in that we get to share in life and experience it together. And there's an outpouring of respect that we have. And we both have been through so much.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I think when both parties have experienced loss or grief in your life, you just want to celebrate that person and lift them up every single day. And I feel like that's what we try to do. And we do that. And it's something that's so beautiful. I'm so happy that I gave myself permission in my life to have love and experience and freedom with someone.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And I am just so grateful that God brought him into my life. He's been so wonderful.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Yes. Oh, it was so perfect. Literally, the moment I met him, it was just out of this world and the connection is deep and so rooted. And it feels like we've been together in past lives. And we were always supposed to find each other and just reconnect and be together. And it needed the right moment in life for us to be able to accept each other.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
and be there for each other fully at our full capacity and our full love, full availability. And it has been just magnificent and perfect. And it's interesting when you've gone through life in the way that we have, people get really scared to admit that. And I just want to yell it and scream it that I'm in love and it's beautiful. And I, and I love that my kids get to see it.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I sometimes think he doubted himself so much if he deserved that love because he was receiving so much of it that he thought he had to outpour it. Just give it to as many people as I can. To make him almost convince himself maybe that would make him deserve the love. That, yeah, you have to learn for yourself to understand that you deserve, you deserve so much love for who you are.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Thank you so much. You've been so lovely. Thank you.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And you don't have to earn any of it. You can just receive it.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Worthy is groundbreaking.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
This book is going to change lives. This book literally will teach you how to actually feel worthy so that you can have the strength, you can have the confidence.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I am the best version of myself that I've ever been. I'm a stronger version of myself. I'm a happier version of myself.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And it's because I can honestly look back on my life and say that I have left it and lived it through integrity and honesty, authenticity, and I have carried my beautiful children with me, lifting them up, having honest conversations with them, still seeing the beauty of life no matter what is thrown my way. And I'm really proud of that. Be the mirror.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
and visualize a mirror in front of you because all the naysayers, all the hate, all the words, all the questions coming in at you are people doubting themselves and putting it on you. So that also helps.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
What's interesting when you've gone through life in the way that we have, people get really scared to admit that. And I just want to yell it and scream it that I'm in love.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
It was devastating, very confusing. Like you said, three weeks before he committed suicide, we were celebrating that we wanted more kids. And the joke in our home was I gave him an option. Either he gets another kid or he gets the three Doberman Pinschers that he wanted to have. But I was like, you can't have both. You don't get three new dogs and a new baby.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And it was something that our family was joking about for months. I had told Steven I would love to have another kid with him, but he also was like, oh, I don't know. I kind of want to have these dogs though. And Wesley would chime in about it. Maddox would chime in. I was a little bit too young to really fully understand, but it would be like a casual talk at our dinner table.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
Like, all right, what's the choice gonna be? Which is why we were so willing to talk about it on the Jennifer Hudson show. You know, they obviously vet questions. It's not like they randomly come up with these questions. They would talk. It was, what's something that's so funny that you guys are talking about in your house? And that was something that was coming from him.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
You know, we also were actively looking at new homes at that time, you know, and he would be sending me pictures of homes and I'd be sending him pictures of homes and we'd be discussing like what we wanted and the best area to live in for our kids and their futures.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
When you're doing those things and laughing about it and having so much fun and you're involving the children in on those kinds of conversations, to have him decide to make this really permanent decision to leave us was very confusing. there were no signs at that moment that we had seen. And I say at that moment because I had been with Steven for 13 years.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
I started dating him when I was 22 years old and you know, all these little kinks that he had had that maybe I look back on now as maybe being signs of depression or maybe being signs that he had like really big lows happening in his life. At those moments, we kind of justified them because they had always been there. They weren't new things.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And so it was very confusing when he made that decision because we were blindsided. There had never been discussions in our house or individually with me or him being in therapy where there was big discussions happening that he'd been questioning.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
these kinds of choices for himself or been so low that he needed to be in therapy or been so low with our family that we needed family therapy or been so low with me that he might need couples therapy there there had been no discussions or lead up to any sort of low happening in our family household to ever have seen anything coming this way um And I didn't believe it at first.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
When the cops first told me what had happened, I did not believe them. I thought they had gotten the wrong person. And I was like, I was convinced that it was wrong. I was like, no, you guys don't understand. There's no possible way that this is my husband. and my kid's father. There's no way. I was like, you guys don't know him.
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And it took a lot to impact that he made that decision, especially after a lot of the knowledge that I've grown over the last couple of years from discussing this topic with therapists and with crisis leaders and crisis teams, explaining that what they've said to me is that unfortunately, when he talked about shame in himself,
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
A lot of the shame he might've felt for himself was the hardest thing to learn is how sad he had been probably for so many years and covering it up that I also didn't know and couldn't have helped, that none of his family or friends knew that he was this low and couldn't have helped and that he was so sad and not willing to ask for help
The MeidasTouch Podcast
Fed Up Senator Adam Schiff Drops the Hammer on Trump
And, um, to be a partner that you feel so like I, we had such a, I got such a beautiful relationship and one that was, I thought in enthralled with trust and love and joy. And no one has ever heard that from him ever.