The Jordan Harbinger Show
1114: Dr. Alok Kanojia | Breaking the Cycle of Digital Dependence
Tue, 11 Feb 2025
Psychiatrist Dr. Alok Kanojia discusses the hidden psychology of modern tech addiction and shares evidence-based strategies for breaking free! What We Discuss with Dr. Alok Kanojia: Digital addiction, particularly to pornography, has reached unprecedented levels (49-75% self-reported addiction rates), largely due to technology's ability to hijack multiple brain circuits simultaneously. Trauma creates hypervigilance through the brain's survival mechanisms, which weigh negative experiences more heavily than positive ones. This explains why one bad experience can override many good ones. Mental illness is increasing partly due to better diagnosis, but also because modern technology and social media distort our sense of self and relationship with reality, particularly through filtered images and curated content. Traditional therapy approaches may not work for everyone, especially men, as the field has inherent biases toward verbal processing. Alternative approaches like exercise, body-focused work, or other methodologies can be equally effective. You can rewire your brain and change who you are by first accepting your authentic self and desires, then building positive habits around them. Start by asking "Do I wish I were someone who wanted to change?" rather than forcing change through willpower alone. Small, consistent steps toward your genuine goals lead to lasting transformation. And much more... Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/1114 And if you're still game to support us, please leave a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally! This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors: jordanharbinger.com/deals Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course! Subscribe to our once-a-week Wee Bit Wiser newsletter today and start filling your Wednesdays with wisdom! Do you even Reddit, bro? Join us at r/JordanHarbinger!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Chapter 1: How does avoiding anxiety strengthen its control over you?
Coming up next on The Jordan Harbinger Show. A lot of people think that by avoiding things, okay, I'm feeling anxious. Let me do something to make myself less anxious. When you feel that negative fear and anxiety and you engage in an avoidance strategy, you're actually strengthening the anxiety's control over you.
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Today, back by popular demand, Dr. Allo Kunoja is here for round two. We dive into trauma and our response to trauma. Something called OnlyFans addiction, which honestly I did not know was a real thing, and it's crazier than you'd think. Also, porn addiction, ADHD, therapy and psychedelics, and more. Dr. K was a huge hit last time. I really enjoyed my conversation with him.
So here we go, round two with Dr. Allo Kunoja. I got to get my energy going, man. It's one of those mornings where I'm just like under caffeinated slash I have a thousand unread emails because I just got back from a trip and I'm like vibrating with. It's not actual anxiety because it's not like there's anything actually going on.
It's anxiety that feels real, but is ridiculous because half of that email is like, I'd like to pitch this financial planner for your show. And it's like delete. But it still feels real.
Yes. It's a great point. We restrict our definition of anxiety quite a bit. Yeah. So we think that I'm not allowed to feel anxious unless I'm afraid of something. Yes. But what I'm hearing is that certain parts of your brain, like especially your frontal lobes, recognize that there is a lot of work that needs to be done and is starting to think through.
It's sort of like mentally loading responsibility. Yes. which is not exactly anxiety, but I think a lot of the circuits are the same or the experience of it is the same.
It is. Everybody in the developed world has this feeling. They call it the Sunday scaries. Have you heard of this? Yeah. For people who don't know what this is, Sunday night comes around and you're like, oh, I got work on Monday. Oh, the Turner account. The boss is going to, oh, we have that meeting. I've got to like make sure my... PowerPoint slides are good. I got to do that at 8 a.m.
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Chapter 2: What is the psychology behind digital addiction?
What I gain is a feeling of pride, potentially, right? When I do what I should do. The driver for shoulds is our relationship to like other human beings, which is why if there's something you should do in life and no one is watching, you'll never do it. Because literally should comes from where does should come from?
Should is a societal expectation, which even if you believe you should do things, where did you learn that you should do things from other people? So should is fundamentally a social construct and involves the social circuits of the brain. Which is why like when someone's watching us, oh, where do you want to eat? Now I'm going to order a salad when I go out with my friends.
But like when I'm going by myself, it's going to be fried chicken and French fries. I feel seen. Yes. So should is never going to work. I feel attacked, actually. Unfortunately, right? If only we could be seen all the time. Exactly. Man, I'm glad I'm not alone. So want comes from the nucleus accumbens. Want or desire comes from craving and behavioral reinforcement and the seeking of pleasure.
So these two things are fighting. And if you are fighting in shoulds versus wants, the only way the shoulds will win is if someone is watching, which is why as people become more isolated, their lives have gotten worse because so few people are watching now that we get away with it. You used to not get away with it because someone was paying attention.
Yeah, my trainer knows a lot about exercise and that's the main reason I'm working out with him. But the other reason is it's really easy to lollygag when you're working out by yourself. You half-ass it and then you leave when you're bored. Yeah, absolutely.
That's the first thing to understand. Wants and shoulds are like fundamentally different. They can compete, but we need social environment to make them really work. So then the second question is like, OK, if you don't really want to do it, you should do it, but you don't want to do it. That doesn't activate our behavior in the right way because there's a should moving in one direction.
There's a want moving in the other direction. So if we want to motivate behavior, right, motivation comes from the nucleus accumbens. We have to have a motivation to do something. But oftentimes it's really interesting. So if you move one level back, do you wish you were someone else? Now, that's something you're motivated towards.
And this is something that we've learned in psychiatry is that if you can't solve this problem, oftentimes moving one level back is where the money is. So now if I ask you, OK, so you don't really want to work out. Fair enough. Do you wish you were someone who wanted to work out? And that's absolutely yes. I wish I was like these other people that enjoyed working out.
I wish I was a different person. Now that opens the door to all kinds of things. It opens the door to self-judgment, which is like good in a way, right? Because now we're exploring this stuff. And that's the stuff that gets in the way of you actually engaging, like all these negative emotions.
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