Modern Wisdom
#908 - Dr Shannon Curry - What Traits Should You Look For In A Partner?
Thu, 27 Feb 2025
Dr. Shannon Curry is a clinical psychologist, researcher, and speaker. Modern adult relationships are complicated. With endless talk of red flags, green flags, icks etc., it can be tough to know who’s truly worth your time. So how do you build a lasting, healthy relationship when you're ready for one? Expect to learn what the biggest red flags are to look out for in a partner, the green flags you should look for, the most common reasons why relationships fail, how to see the beauty instead of the challenges in your partner, how you can unlearn the way you argue, how to create longevity in a relationship, the best advice for stopping intrusive thoughts or unwanted worries about your partner, how to move on from heartbreak, and much more… Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: https://chriswillx.com/deals Get 20% off the cleanest bone broth on the market at https://www.kettleandfire.com/modernwisdom (use code MODERNWISDOM) Get the best bloodwork analysis in America at https://functionhealth.com/modernwisdom Get the Whoop 4.0 for free and get your first month for free at https://join.whoop.com/modernwisdom Extra Stuff: Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: https://chriswillx.com/books Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: https://tinyurl.com/43hv6y59 #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: https://tinyurl.com/2rtz7avf #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: https://tinyurl.com/3ccn5vkp - Get In Touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What are the common misconceptions about choosing a partner?
Getting married is just choosing one person's faults over another. Is that right?
Did I say that?
You said that.
I know that is from somebody who works with the Gottmans, but yeah, essentially the grass is always greener on the other side. So I find that incredibly freeing. As soon as we realize that... we are going to be living with somebody who has a lot of faults and can we tolerate those faults and can they tolerate ours, then you are starting on solid ground.
It's an interesting thing. You're looking at a familiar type of discomfort and the deal that you're really trading it for is not familiar discomfort for unfamiliar comfort, but familiar discomfort for unfamiliar discomfort.
Exactly. That's very well said. Give me an example.
You have a partner that is not quite as tender as you might like. They're not as loving. You're staring at the night sky and you really wish they would say something high-flown and thoughtful, but they start singing a song that they heard yesterday or playing a tune or something like that, or they make a joke. And you think, I just really want somebody that's so deep and is there.
And then you decide to switch for another partner and you're at a party and your previous partner would have been really involved in the conversation. It would have given you something that you could have bonded over. But at the new party with the new partner, this partner sort of needs your attention all of the time and they don't really allow you to connect.
So you have certain elements of discomfort traded for other elements of discomfort. One person is phenomenal to watch movies with because they don't interrupt and they just like to sit there and be calm. But the next person that you bring along is really interesting and engaging when you have conversations about stuff that fires you up and you end up making these trades.
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Chapter 2: How do trade-offs play a role in relationships?
Yeah, yeah. But in terms of the flexibility, so we want somebody who is, yeah, we do want somebody relatively stable. But I think even with mental illness, you can have that stability and ownership and management of it. And I think sort of that's the goal, is if you have something like major depressive disorder, which by its nature is a recurring sort of chronic mental illness,
then is the person managing it or is it just this unmanaged kind of chaotic thing that influences the relationship? The other part of flexibility and low neuroticism, and the reason I use the word flexibility is because I think more important than the focus on mental illness, which I think can get skewed, is, is this person open and adaptable?
Is this person somebody who, when you're traveling, they are an absolute nightmare? Their eyes kind of bug out in the airport. They get really weird and snappy. Or is this somebody who is relaxed? Remember Aiden in Sex and the City?
Never watched it.
I don't know how much. You're talking to the wrong guy. The pinnacle of flexibility. Just, you know, your hostess gave up your table. It's just sort of like, don't forget us. We'll wait outside. Whatever happens kind of happens. Very Buddhist non-attachment. And I mean, truly, that's one of the secrets to happiness. I would say it's also the secret to happiness in a relationship.
What's the role of conscientiousness?
That one's my favorite. That's real kindness. And it doesn't have to look sappy. My husband is incredibly manly. He's Australian. He's tall. He doesn't talk too much. And he can seem a little bit intimidating, I think. But he is the kindest, most conscientious person. He is someone who anticipates your needs. incredibly thoughtful, but it's not to get something in return.
It's really just this caring, this unbelievable sustained empathy and caring for others. So he brings me coffee every morning. He checks my phone to see if I've made a mistake with my alarm.
And, you know, he's sort of an ADD coach with me and he does it with kindness and compassion and just has these little built in routines that he seems to do effortlessly and that make me feel incredibly grateful for him all the time throughout the day. There are multiple times throughout my day where I reflect actively on how fucking grateful I am for my husband.
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Chapter 3: What personality traits predict long-term relationship success?
Right. So it becomes less about how are we going to discipline? And it doesn't just end there. Right. So after that, we bring in some compromise exercises. And the idea is, what are your bones in this situation? What can't you compromise on? And you get that from that prior discussion. Right. So I can't compromise on my children having an education so they'll have opportunities.
I can't compromise on my children meeting deadlines and getting assignments done. I can't compromise on my children having a work ethic. She can't compromise on her children not being afraid. She can't compromise on having a home where nice voices are used. And then you can see there, once we have the bones... You can do a lot with that. Okay, so why don't we go in now?
Let's set up some ground rules where we communicate in this way about it. We talk about it at this time. We come up with an agreement on how we're going to present something to the kids. And then we go from there. So you actually can manage it.
How much of a circuit breaker are conversations like this? I'm sort of interested in how effectively people can unlearn the way that they typically argue because you have a habit, you have a pattern of behavior bad habits of disagreeing poorly with your partner.
And it always results in one getting the silent treatment and the other one feeling hard done by or heavily criticized or whatever it is. And it's almost like putting on an old leather pair of shoes. Well, this is what we do. This is the rhythm of how our disagreements go. So what are some of the ways that you can really try to break that frame of this familiar discomfort when disagreeing?
Oh man, it is so hard. Two things come to mind. One, I've done this with time. So when we first started running into initial problems when we were together, I think in year two, or maybe even year one, I dragged him to my mentor and she did a little bit of a couple's workshop with us. And I remember how it felt. Here I am. I am somebody who is doing this to people all day long.
And I just wanted to sit and shit. I just did not want us to be helped when I had to suddenly be vulnerable. Um, or when he, it's hard to break the ice. This specific exercise, I would say is probably a little easier than some of the others. There are other conflict management ones where you're trying to repair a former argument that are much more difficult.
This one I would say is a little bit easier because you have one person who is asking the questions and one person who is answering. And so it keeps it pretty structured. It's one of my favorites, I think for that reason. Um, But I know what it feels like to not want to do it and to just want to keep almost to indulge in the ego and the bad feelings, the shadow, right? And then...
your partner says something or just one person says something true and accepts some small piece of responsibility. And it's just the ice kind of shatters. The worst is when somebody accepts one small piece of responsibility and the other partner like keeps drilling down on them. That's just, and that happens a lot in couples therapy. And you're just like, I handed you the torch.
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