Just because we’ve been doing something for a long time doesn’t mean we’re doing it right. One part of our lives where this may be particularly true is when we're talking with others. This week, we bring you the first of a two-part look at what makes someone skilled at socializing. Behavioral scientist Alison Wood Brooks explains why conversations are much more complex than most of us realize — and how to engage in a more meaningful back-and-forth with another person.For more of our work on the art of conversation, check out these classic Hidden Brain episodes: Why Conversations Go WrongRelationships 2.0: How to Keep Conflict from Spiraling
Full Episode
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. At various points in our lives, all of us turn to coaches and trainers. If you're a student athlete, you might need a coach to improve your tennis stroke or soccer footwork. If you need to take up a musical instrument in your 30s, you'll need the help of a piano teacher or guitar instructor.
If you decide you want to learn a new language in your 50s, you sign up for classes with an expert in that language. But there are lots of domains in our lives where many of us never dream of recruiting the help of a coach. That's because we feel we are masters in those domains already. We don't need a coach to help us breathe or walk or talk. Or do we?
Just because we've done something a long time doesn't mean we are doing it right. Just because we feel we are skilled at something doesn't mean we don't have plenty of room for improvement. Today on the show, we focus on a skill that seems so commonplace that many of us fail to see how difficult it is to do well.
We're going to look at how we engage in conversation and the things we can do to get better at it. Learning to talk This week on Hidden Brain. When discussing the children in our lives, we say they learn to talk at age one or two. For the late bloomers, maybe it's three or four. We make it sound as if learning to talk is something we master early and then practice without a problem as adults.
But it turns out that most of us have a lot to learn when it comes to having conversations that are dynamic, engaging, and meaningful. Alison Woodbrooks is a behavioral scientist at Harvard Business School. For many years now, she has studied the science of conversation. Alison Woodbrooks, welcome to Hidden Brain.
Thank you so much for having me.
Alison, when you were younger, you went on a blind date that was memorable for all the wrong reasons. Can you paint me a picture of what your life was like at the time and who this mystery man was?
Yes, I was living in New York City and I was set up on a blind date by a friend. It might have been the only blind date that I've been on in my life. Um, and it was, uh, with a man who had a job, a good job, great job in finance. He had gone to a good college. He'd played football in college and I had seen photos of my friend had shown me photos of this guy and he was, you know, so handsome.
So I was excited. I went and I met him. downtown for dinner at this sort of busy, bustling, loud restaurant slash bar. And I settle into the table and off we go.
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