Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan
Confidence Classic: Break Toxic Relationship Patterns with Jillian Turecki, Bumble Relationship Coach & Product Advisor
Wed, 09 Apr 2025
Are you tired of being stuck in the same toxic relationship patterns, wondering why love always seems to slip through your fingers? Renowned Relationship Coach, Jillian Turecki, is here to empower you to realize getting what you want out of your relationships STARTS WITH YOU. We get real about self-worth, and breaking those toxic cycles we all get stuck in. Jillian dropped some serious truth bombs about why we keep repeating the same relationship patterns and how it all starts with understanding ourselves. She'll challenge you to stop playing the victim, take radical accountability, and learn to be the chooser in your own love story. If you've ever felt stuck in relationships or wondered why you can't seem to get it right, this episode is going to be a game-changer. In This Episode You Will Learn About: How to reflect on your patterns and REWRITE the stories holding you back from LOVE and CONNECTION. Ways to own your role in relationships and focus on what YOU can change to CREATE the connection you want. Learn to communicate with confidence to express your needs to build AUTHENTIC and lasting bonds. Discover ways to BUILD your self-worth daily. Resources + Links Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/monahan Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at NetSuite.com/MONAHAN. Want to do more and spend less like Uber, 8x8, and Databricks Mosaic? Take a free test drive of OCI at oracle.com/MONAHAN. Get 10% off your first Mitopure order at timeline.com/CONFIDENCE. Get 15% off your first order when you use code CONFIDENCE15 at checkout at jennikayne.com. Call my digital clone at 201-897-2553! Visit heathermonahan.com Sign up for my mailing list: heathermonahan.com/mailing-list/ Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Follow Heather on Instagram & LinkedIn Jillian @jillianturecki
Chapter 1: Why do we silence our needs in relationships?
A lot of women, and men again will do this too, but a lot more women will silence what their needs are. Let me try to be cool. Let me go with the flow. Let me be a pleaser. Let me be a nurturer. Because everything is like, I want you to choose me. I want you to pursue me. I want to be like that fairy tale. And nothing could be further from the truth of what reality is.
And that is, you have to be the one who is direct and forward about what it is that you want. You are to be the one who is also choosing. And you are going to become much more attractive to many more people when you actually assume that role.
Come on this journey with me. Each week when you join me, we are going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow.
I'm ready for my close-up.
Tell me, have you been enjoying these new bonus confidence classics episodes we've been dropping on you every week? We've literally hundreds of episodes for you to listen to. So these bonuses are a great way to help you find the ones you may have already missed. I hope you love this one as much as I do.
I'm ready for my closeup.
Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back with me this week. Okay, you are going to love our guest and our conversation today, so get ready for it. Jillian Turecki is a renowned relationship coach, teacher, author, and host of the podcast Jillian on Love.
Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes relationships thrive, Jillian has helped thousands over the last 20 years through her teachings, courses, and writings to revolutionize their relationship with themselves and so that they transform their romantic relationships. Jillian has sought out for her compassionate, direct, and very authentic style of coaching, teaching, and writing.
Jillian, thank you so much for being here today.
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Chapter 2: How can we become choosers in our love stories?
He never physically abused me in any way, shape or form, but he was highly manipulative and there were some emotional, I guess you would call it abuse, but I found him to be very, very scary. So I grew up terrified of him and very attached to my mom. And so that created some dynamics, you know, for me later in life. And, you know, I was the child of
And I grew up with siblings, but I was the child where when my parents announced that they were separating, I felt this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I thought, thank God he's leaving. A big part of my life has been understanding how my relationship with him and also my relationship with my mom, my relationship with my childhood has impacted my life. specifically romantic relationships.
And I've actually had some beautiful romantic relationships. So I don't want to misrepresent myself saying that like every relationship I've ever had has been hard. I've actually had good ones, but I think that that's also what's so nuanced about the conversation relationships. You can go through a stage of life where you have a great relationship and then you're later in life
then everything goes to hell because there's so much context around it. And so a large part of my life is learning how to, how to forgive him came later was more like, how do I be around this person without feeling like I'm terrified and feeling so deeply uncomfortable? my relationship with my father in many ways to find my life. And so learning how to deal with that was huge.
And I would say that my marriage, which ended, which was really the thing that got me into all of this. I taught yoga for many years, almost 20 years. And then I went through a relationship that was the most significant relationship of my life. And we got married and And then it ended in two years. And so I really wanted to understand.
I became obsessed with trying to understand what happened between me and my ex-husband. And that was really the time where I had to, I was forced to reckon with my relationship with my father. And how I could not, because I was very avoidant of my father. In the relationship between me and my father, I was the avoidant. In the relationship between me and certain men, I was the anxious one.
I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to face it directly. And so that's a large part of what has influenced this book is learning how to heal, learning how to have your own back, learning to raise your self-esteem and also to take responsibility for what it is that goes on in a relationship. And I wanted to figure out years ago, like what actually makes a relationship work, but work really well.
And I wanted to distill it into very tangible truths and lessons. And I spent years trying to distill it. If I were to come up with like 10 truths or nine truths or seven truths, like what is it? What is the legacy that I would want to leave behind? Like, what do I feel people must understand? about themselves and about themselves relationally and about love. That's what I birthed in this book.
Well, the book is incredible. And it's actually the nine truths, the nine hard truths about love. You mentioned something about avoidant and anxious. Is that necessarily every relationship? I'm so curious about that now that you brought that up.
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Chapter 3: Who is Jillian Turecki and what is her expertise?
That's one of the things I love so much about your book is the emphasis on it begins with you, your first truth and that radical accountability because that is the one thing that we can all control. Okay, so I'll use myself as an example because I feel like, of course, for me, this is more of a gray area. It's obvious when I'm looking at my friends, right?
It's simple to say, oh no, you shouldn't just point a finger at somebody else all the time. That's not the right thing to do. That's clear to me. However, in my situation, I'll use a past relationship that I had and it's similar to the prior one. I'll get into a relationship. Everything is great. It's amazing. Things are going well. And then slowly things will start to change.
In my mind, I'll think, oh, give this person the benefit of the doubt. You know, this is a gray area. I don't want to be a pain. I'm sure it's, you know, whatever. But that person is And in this situation, you know, making a commitment to make me a priority to come see me, whatever it may be. And then I'm slowly seeing the actions not line up with the words.
And then suddenly you're having the conversation. Wait a minute. We've talked about this. Why are we back at this again? And then for me, I want to blow up and walk away. my friends will say to me, you can't keep doing that. That's not working for you. But when you're in it, it's so hard to say, what is it that I'm doing wrong? It's very hard to see oftentimes when you're knee deep in it.
It is very hard. I mean, mindfulness is a practice. Mindfulness is a practice. The example that you gave, I mean, that could be so many different things. Like It could be that you're choosing the wrong men, right? That could be one thing. It could also be that a lot of women will, because we value safety so much, we have
habit of always trying to find what's wrong in another person because we're looking for danger so that we can protect ourselves from danger. So oftentimes, is it actions not matching up with words or is there a communication breakdown? Is it the way that you're asking for things or is it actually them not being into integrity? There's so many different ways to look at the scenario that you shared.
mindfulness as a practice is, okay, if I want to be in a relationship with this person, are our values aligned? Do we get along? Do I feel good around this person? If I were to have a child, would I want them to grow up to be like this person? Okay. And then let's say you're like, okay, yes, I think so. I'm discovering so, but we're having these issues. Okay. How am I communicating?
Am I only thinking about my needs, my insecurity, my frustration, or am I taking the time to ask them about their experience of the same situation?
That's really powerful.
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