Whitney McGuire
Appearances
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
Most of the time, I stay for the duration of the meeting, but recently, I've been retreating to my bedroom more often during the meetings, but I always come down for the food. I don't know when I started lying about my religion, but I do remember why. My mom and I were at Kroger's. We were in the checkout line. And she spots someone that she used to know. They strike up a conversation.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
The woman starts telling her about her church, which is not an unusual topic of conversation for a predominantly black working class community full of great migration families from the Bible Belt South. And then the woman asks my mom, well, what church do you go to? And my mom proudly tells her that we're Buddhists.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
My mom converted to Buddhism when she was in her 20s, when she still lived in New York City. And so I guess this person knew my mother before then. And it was almost like in slow motion, I watched this woman's reaction turn from friendly to hostile. And I watched her mouth form the words, well, you're going to hell.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
I don't remember what my mama said to this lady, but I do remember how I felt, small and ashamed. If telling someone about my religion could elicit this type of reaction, then I'm going to keep this close to my chest. As I got older, I started going to church more often with my grandma and my dad. My mom and I were the only Buddhists in the family.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
And then when I went to Buddhist meetings, I would listen intently, trying to poke holes in the logic, trying to understand why I was born to be an outcast. By the time I got to middle school, I was so excited. I was in this new group of friends, and I just was so excited to be a part of that group.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
Whenever the topic of which church you go to came up, I would say, mountaintop missionary Baptist church, which isn't totally a lie. It was actually my dad's church, but my dad lived 90 miles away in Columbus, and I would get sometimes blank stares, like why do you go all the way to Columbus for church when there are like a plethora of churches to choose from in Dayton?
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
I'm 13 years old, and I just got off of the school bus. and I'm ascending forest green paint chip stairs up to a forest green paint chipped porch, being careful to avoid the cobwebs in the corners of the doorway. And I smell the spicy sweet scent of sandalwood incense coming from the doorway. My mom is in the kitchen mopping.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
Regardless, my response got people off my back, bought me some time. One day after school, I invited one of my new friends, Natassia, over, and we're hanging out in my mom's room, watching TV, chatting and giggling, talking about whatever eighth grade girls talked about in the 90s. And I start to smell the sandalwood. Oh, shit.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
I was hoping that today was maybe a day that my mom ran out of patchouli. But lo and behold, the doorbell started ringing. I looked at Natasya, and she looks at me. Are you having a party? Not exactly. I'm trying to grasp for a lie, but nothing was coming through.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
Nothing to explain why there would be a lot of people in my living room in a matter of minutes, because it was like 6.45 at this time, chanting and doing weird things. So... I tell Natasya, can you actually call your cousin to come pick you up? The doorbell keeps ringing. The voices downstairs are getting louder. They're like happy to see each other. And she says, yeah, sure.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
Then the prayer bell starts. Ding, ding, ding. In Buddhist meetings, when we start meetings, we start with this thing called Sancho. Sancho. I hear downstairs, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, oh shit. It's really about to go down. I'm looking at the clock. It's like 6.50. Like, where's your cousin? And then, you know, then they start chanting before the actual meeting starts.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
And they're like, I don't know, they had a lot to get off their chest. So they're like going at it. And so... Natassia's cousin finally arrives and we're walking down the stairs and again, you know, the meeting is in full swing and she's looking at me and I'm looking at her like I got nothing.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
And finally I tell her, you know, this is a Buddhist meeting and she doesn't say anything in response, she just leaves. And I join the meeting because I need to chant that I will have friends tomorrow. So tomorrow arrives, and I'm avoiding Natasya like we're two ships passing in the night. And finally, as fate would have it, we both end up at the bus stop.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
And she's looking at me, and I'm looking at the ground, and she's like, what's a Buddhist meeting? I thought you were Christian. Do you go to church? Do you believe in God? She has all these questions, and as I'm answering her questions, I feel the need to be defensive just kind of melt away, and I start to respond to her questions more confidently.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
Then she asks me, well, when is the next Buddhist meeting, and can I come? That question really affirmed for me that it was okay for me to be who I am, which at the time was, and still is, an awkward black girl from the west side of Dayton, Ohio who just happened to be Buddhist. About a year later, I got a full tuition scholarship to a boarding school in Newport, Rhode Island.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
And my mom and I are moving my things into my dorm room, and she starts to set up my altar. And much like a Buddhist meeting, setting up the altar requires chanting. So she starts in ding, ding, ding. Nam-myoho-renge-kyo. And then I joined her. Now, normally my instinct would have been to close the door and maybe even stuff a towel underneath so no sound could come out. But I left the door open.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
She greets me and she hands me a tattered rag, and I know I'm going to get an assignment. go wipe down the mirrors, clean the toilet, blah, blah, blah. I know this ritual because we do it often.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
I realized that reclaiming this ritual, this part of myself, was more important than pretending to be someone that I wasn't. Thank you.
The Moth
The Moth Podcast: Growing Up
Every Thursday at 7 p.m., my home, our home, is briefly transformed into a Buddhist community center where some of the strangest characters from the west side of Dayton, Ohio, descend upon our living room floor to chant strange words from Buddhist sutras and study Buddhist texts and share from their hearts their struggles and their triumphs. Sometimes we even enjoy some good Japanese food.