Vicky Reynal
Appearances
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
I always invite people to be curious about what they imagine more money will get them. The other way in which I ask the question is when they say I don't have enough. I ask, well, enough for what?
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Well, in my experience, our attitude towards money is shaped throughout our life, sometimes starting quite early. And what I found working as a financial psychotherapist is that when people get stuck in behaviors that are unhelpful financially, and they kind of know what they should be doing differently, but they can't change it.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
it's because there's unconscious feelings that are getting in the way.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And those feelings could be related to early experiences, some that are not even money related, that have nothing to do with the money lessons they learned growing up, but actually have more to do with other experiences of attaching to others or past trauma and all sorts of different experiences that I'm happy to give you examples of.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Yeah, so for example, I've seen overspending being linked to a desire to fit in. Maybe a desire to fit in that was rooted in experiences feeling like the odd one out in school or maybe experiences of being bullied. There's
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
other spending behaviors like um well a difficulty with spending money that could be linked to not feeling worthy worthy of the good things that money can buy and that low sense of worth could be rooted in experiences with our early caregivers. So how, whether we felt good enough in our family growing up.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And even more extreme financial behaviors like stealing, for example, could be rooted in an early abandonment where we felt kind of deprived of something growing up. And as adults, we're trying to claim it back. And that manifests itself through money.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
I think there might be areas of financial life that people might struggle with more or less. But sometimes, even if somebody, let's say, tends to be quite reasonable when it comes to money and spending and saving, there could be pockets of their behavior that is unusual or different.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And that's where I would draw their attention to, you know, why is it that even though you're generally, I don't know, a generous person, why is it that you sometimes become really withholding with money with that particular friend or with that particular group of friends.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And I think sometimes even spotting the inconsistencies in our money behavior can give us a lot of information about what could be going on emotionally for us in that particular situation or in that particular relationship.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Well, more often than not, people tend to blame themselves when it comes to money. I find even though I know that the group of people that I see come to me because they think they are the problem, I think the issue of shame around money is quite universal. Most people I meet even outside the consulting room, feel they should be better with money than they are.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Even people who might work in the financial services industry, you know, might confess to me that actually, when it comes to my personal finances, you know, it's a bit of a mess, and I wish I could be better at this or better at that. And there's generally this kind of this sense that
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
it's almost an innate skill that we should all be good at for some reason, even though the reality is that most of us weren't really taught much about money growing up from our parents and it wasn't taught in most schools. And so why should we be better with money? And I think that fuels a certain sense of shame about it.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And the fact that it's a taboo and people don't talk about it, I think fuels that sense of embarrassment and shame.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
I think that's a fantastic question. And actually, I always turn it back to the client. I always say, well, what does that mean? And even when people set resolutions for the new year and they say, well, next year, I want to be better with money. Well, that's too broad. We need to understand what is it that you feel you're struggling with.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And it could be, as you pointed out, a whole set of reasons that why they feel that way. Some people are very bad with their spending with their budgeting, they might be very impulsive. And that's probably the most common money problem you'll see out there. But you know, it can be a difficulty enjoying money, and a difficulty
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
saving or investing, I think there's a lot of not knowing when it comes to investing, you know, people are not very educated about investing. And so they avoid it, and they don't do enough of it, they put it away, they procrastinate it and, and it never gets done. And it kind of lurks and in the back of their minds as something they should be doing more of.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
But it's kind of the fear of not knowing enough making mistakes that stops them from engaging with it.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Well, you know, avoidance and vagueness, I find are two very common defenses, psychological defenses that people use when it comes to money. So either they don't look at it, you know, there's plenty of people who will not open bills and really not attend to financial matters until it's absolutely necessary. And vagueness, you know, this, oh, I need to be better, you know, I should save more.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Well, as long as we keep it vague, then we're setting ourselves up for more. vagueness and failure and self sabotage. But the moment we set a goal that is very kind of measurable and concrete, that's when our sense of agency becomes more engaged and awakens. And it's very different to say, you know, I want to save 50 pounds every week next year, than to say I want to be better with money.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Well, you'll be surprised. I have had people with a too much money problem as well, and I'm happy to go into that. But the most common, you're right, is the lack of. And I always invite people to be curious about what they imagine more money will get them. The other way in which I ask the question is when they say, you know, I don't have enough. I ask, well, enough for what?
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And I think the point here is that money can be a very powerful symbol and it represents different things to different people. And so for some people, more money will buy them more credibility in their family. They will finally be taken more seriously by others. For other people, it's about acceptance and fitting in.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
If they have enough money, they can spend on the right things, and then they'll fit in with their group of friends. And yet for others, it's about worth. They've equated.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
um financial worth to self-worth in their minds and so they'll feel better about themselves if their net value is higher and so i think sometimes it's unearthing those um sometimes unconscious uh symbolic equations that people can then question them and say well is it true that people will find me more lovable if i'm richer or you know am i attaching something unrealistic to money.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
A common one, Mike is, especially in families, you know, somebody who grew up in a family where there was scarcity, you know, the belief that money will fix all the problems, it will resolve the conflict in the family, it will make everybody get along, you know, everything will be fine if there's more money.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And actually, you know, I've seen the other end of it, you know, I've seen people come to me having become very wealthy and saying, well, You know, it didn't fix everything. Why am I still unhappy? Why are we still all arguing?
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
I've seen it manifest in different ways. One example comes to mind. It was a man, let's call him Robert, who came to see me because he had a $2 million problem. It turns out that because he owned shares in a company that got bought at a very good price, suddenly he became a millionaire. this man looked so upset. And I started asking him, well, what is so distressing about this?
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And there were all these fears attached to being wealthy. First of all, he had grown up in a modest family. And the way in which wealthy people were talked about attached certain judgment on them. So wealthy people can be corrupt, can be greedy, can this and that. Secondly, there was a fear that money would spoil the children.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
He had two children, and he was concerned that if they found out that the family was now wealthy, they would lose drive and motivation and drop out of school and whatnot. There was also a fear that money would bring conflict in his relationship. How would he and his wife navigate all these problems and financial decisions that they both felt a bit, you know, out of their depth with.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And finally, the fear of envy, you know, would his friends stop talking to him, you know, if he starts telling them about his luxurious holidays and, you know, things that he could now afford and they couldn't. And so you can see how there's
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
a whole range of fears that got attached to to wealth and and that's not uncommon actually to attach kind of a shame to wealth particularly if we grew up in an environment that condemned the pursuit of wealth in some way so given that everybody has their own money deal their own money issues their own money concerns it's hard to have a blanket advice but but
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
My blanket advice is always to be curious. Be curious about what it is that is driving your financial choices. If, for example, you find yourself regularly overspending, Be curious about when do you do that? Is it, for example, on a Sunday that you tend to go online and do all this spontaneous shopping? Well, what is it that you're feeling on Sundays? Is it loneliness? Is it boredom?
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Is it sadness? And are there other ways in which you could be addressing those feelings rather than overspending? or maybe you overspend on your children and that's where you really go overboard and then you're filled with regret and um and guilt afterwards we'll be curious about that what is it about wanting to give to your children, where is that coming from?
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Is it coming from an experience maybe of having parents who weren't very generous with you or maybe couldn't be generous because they didn't have the means to? And so now you're trying to kind of vicariously live through them and give them all the experiences you didn't have, but is that what's best for them? And so I think curiosity is the key to all of this.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
But because a lot of the money behaviors that I see trace back to quite painful emotional experiences, it's important to do that self-exploration without judgment. So saying things like, I'm bad with money, I'm terrible with money, that's not going to get you very far. a better approach is to investigate what that means, you know, that sense that you're bad with it.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Well, what is it that you wish you could be better at? Let's say it's investing. Well, why do you think you're not good with investing? Well, I don't understand enough about it. Well, could you learn more about it? Where could you find the information?
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And you see that the moment you become, you have a kinder inner dialogue with yourself and a curious one, you can begin to find the answers to those questions.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Yes, I would say so.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Sometimes they don't know where it's going and that's kind of a... Again, that vagueness defense, they don't want to know where it's going. They don't want to open their statements and look at it because it would be uncomfortable to face the reality of what they're doing and the consequences of what they're doing.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
But the reason why people might end up being a bit messy with their spending are very broad. In some cases, it's a practical reason. They haven't gone through their numbers to see what they can afford to spend every month. They haven't done kind of a basic budget that tells them that you have X amount of dollars every month that you can spend on discretionary items and on going out and so on.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
So they actually don't haven't done the maths to know what is within their means. But most often, there is something that is driving that that choice of spending. And it could be that there, maybe it's a personality thing, there might be an impulsive person who struggles to sit with their feelings, sit with any discomfort, and anytime they feel anything negative, they act on it.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And some people choose substances, other people choose shopping, the famous retail therapy, right? You do it because it makes you feel better, And there is a neurological process that makes you want to go back for more. And you can become quite hooked on that habit of, you know, addressing feelings through spending. In other cases, there's more deep seated reasons.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
I mean, I had a client who shopped and in particular bought luxury handbags. And when we started to explore what is it about these luxury items that, you know, It was actually a sense that because there were quality products that lasted long, they would stay. And this particular woman had a history of being abandoned by her father when she was little.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
And she said to me, you know, things stay, people leave you. And so it was actually a very painful place within her that was driving the spending. And it had nothing to do with, you know, doing a budget or not being impulsive. So the key there was to try and find a healthier way to relate with her father that didn't involve this whole financial self-sabotage.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Before they even come to me, I would say educate yourself about money because a lot of money problems have to do with financial literacy or illiteracy in this case. So people feel anxious about money, and about 50% of the population in most countries, in the US it is above 50, feel anxious about money. And the more we know about money, studies have shown, the less anxious we are about it.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
So the first step is, know more about finances, because that's going to avoid a lot of money mistakes. One of the statistics that has shocked me is that in the US one in three teens doesn't know the difference between a credit card and a debit card. And that's really important to know if you're going to start your financial life on a good footing trying to avoid credit card debt, right.
Something You Should Know
How to Optimize Your Brain Chemistry & What Would You Do With More Money?
Thank you very much.