Vance DeGeneres
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, John, it's Hollywood, and excitement is Hollywood's middle name, especially when it comes to long lines. John, I went out and put together a little piece today. Let's take a look at it. Excuse me, how long have you been waiting in this line? Just about 10 seconds. About 30 seconds. About a minute. How long are you prepared to wait?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
And yet another line, moving, yet certainly a line. Has it affected your family in any way? Has this affected your job in any way? You're annoyed at having to wait. Yes, yes, but we're not really waiting for anything. So, as you can clearly see, John, here in Hollywood, lines are a horse of a different color.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
My mistake, John. I'm sorry. I thought you sent me out here to do a story on lines in general, but that makes much more sense. Excellent idea, John.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, John, I have to tell you, my sleeping bag has a funny smell. And last night a hobo stepped on my finger.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, John, during the day, it's pretty tame, but after midnight, it's sort of like being a kid at a circus, only without the wild animals and tents, or fun. And instead of clowns, you have crack-fueled gang members piling out of cars. Fortunately, I'm protected by line-dwelling Star Wars fanatics wielding toy lightsabers and the Force.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Well, speaking of the Star Wars fans, how about introducing us to some of the fans? You bet, John. We'll meet some super fans who have incredibly long, endless, minutiae-filled stories about which Rebel Alliance military insignia is coolest.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
Absolutely, John. That's an excellent idea, because who else would be able to go on and on and on for days on end, acting out scenes from Star Wars and scenes they made up and songs about Star Wars they made up? Songs like, Domo Arigato, Mr. R2-D2.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
I ran out of food and water, so I traded my suit for some Fresca. I hope it's Fresca. Did you know you can cook a roach with a single match?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day
I like movies, but not sad ones. Did you know you can turn an ordinary egg carton into a handy portable latrine and it takes over six minutes for 3,752 ants to walk just six feet?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
That's right, John. It's one big drunken mob scene, and there's not much more to it than that. John? Well, Vance, how's the parade going so far? Great, great, John. It started about 11 o'clock this morning. Traditional participants include Irish folk bands, local labor unions, and in a tip of the hat to St.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland, Mayor Giuliani and a contingent of New York's finest will use the parade to drive minorities out of Manhattan. And, John, I should mention that even hardcore New Yorkers really seem to be enjoying themselves today, soaking up the sunshine and using the parade as a distraction to fondle and plant drugs on unsuspecting tourists.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
And later in the day, the revelers will wind their way through the streets of Manhattan, eventually ending up in northern Manhattan for the traditional beating of the Protestants.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Backlash? I don't know where you're getting your information from, John, because I don't think it could be any gayer. Men openly marching in skirts, sucking on large pipes attached to hairy sacks. Of course, we all know that Cardinal O'Connor did approve the ban on gays in deference to St.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | St. Patrick's Day
Patrick, who, by the way, changed his name from Maewyn Suket upon entering the priesthood, a tradition continued by priests to this very day. mainly to avoid the hassles of Megan's Law. John?