Unspecified (video/fashion commentary voice)

Hey, gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying, I just shit my pants.

Hey, how are you?

You guys have a bathroom?

We'll pay for it. It's a write-off.

You got to house it.

That's the thing. Let's say it's a Sunday. You get home, whatever. She's like, hey, I want to run to Target. I don't know. Fucking in Queens. Yeah. What are you doing? Uber. That's it?

Well, you subway there. You Uber back.

What about you got to take the baby? You leave him in the car.

We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. She's down at the mall. Okay. She's doing an Easter bunny this year. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah, free picks if you want them. All right. He said we'd come by. All right. Fair enough. Mike Coase is coming at you from right next to me, unamused this week. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman. Not a fan of Easter, I guess.

He's got to watch the car. I don't want to get booted again.

Have you been in a store or out in public with the baby? Oh, yeah, every day. With the carriage and all that stuff?

I do a big walk every day with the little guy.

Okay.

Yeah, we bond.

Grab a coffee?

Coffee. I put one earbud with me, one earbud with him, and we're listening to the Cat Williams special.

You don't put an earbud in a man.

No, no. That ear's tiny. I mean, what the fuck?

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I got two words, panic attack.

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What can we get Mr. Norman in today?

$150 a month. The problem is, which we learned, is you have to... In New York, they get stolen. They get fucking fucked up. My car's been stolen. I had to go to a garage. But we bought a conversion van. We spent a lot of money on a convertible. It's pretty fucking sick. Wait, is that like an A-team? Yeah, but it's more like it is, but it's like carpeted. There's like big executive seats in it.

It's very, that's what we use. So we use it as like a tour bus. You got the captain chairs. Big, two big, all leather.

Spin around, too.

Spin around to the back. Come on. The back goes into a bed. It's fucking sick.

It's nice. It's very sick.

But we bought it, and it had five leaks in the roof. So when it rains, water comes in. Sure. And then we found out there's nowhere to park it because it's too high to fit in any garage. Oh. So we got turned away from like 15 fucking parking lots.

What? You should get a nice minivan, though, for the family. Yeah. The wife doesn't have a car?

No, she can't drive. She's a woman.

But no.

Sharia law. She's actually a horrible driver. Like, no joke. She had a Jetta, and she wrecked it, like, four times. That's a hot girl car.

Yeah, Jetta. That is a hot girl car.

That's so true. Big time. And a Mitsubishi.

Mitsubishi. Yeah. Mitsubishi Eclipse.

Oh, that was a hot car.

That was, like, the pretty stripper car. Really? No way.

She had a green Eclipse. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, good girl.

She did well.

Champagne coming to the stage. Those poor older, like, was she from the 90s? Was she from the 90s?

She's probably your age. She's a couple years older than me.

All right, those gals, they missed the OnlyFans train. Isn't that sad? I mean, you don't want your sister on OnlyFans. If Greta Thunberg, if she has a hard week, she can just pop on there and clean up. Yeah, they don't have to, you know, do.

Yes, sir. And we couldn't be more excited. I have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest back with us again today. The kid's family at this point. I know. He's a family man. You know him. You love him. Give it up for Mr. Mark Norman, everybody. Look at him. There he is.

Yeah, it's true.

They don't have to start responding to Craigslist ads.

Exactly. And the hot chicks in college in the 90s were. Oh, yeah. Man, that's old guy shit. They were hot at the end. I remember getting the Sports Illustrated. Have you seen these broads recently? Have you been on Instagram? What are you talking about? No, but do you remember the- They're built different now. That's true. Was it Playboy that would go around and do the college?

Yes. Man. Oh, yeah. Even fucking Jenny from Forrest Gump got in one of those. Remember that? That was a scene. Yeah, that's a- Oh, yeah. That's right.

She got in some trouble with her college sweater.

That was the AIDS issue. HIV monthly.

Shout out to Jenny. Oh, yeah.

All right, let's get serious here for a second. Sorry, I ruined your Black Panther party. I remember going to my dad and being like, what the hell is a Black Panther party? He's like, easy. He's like, ask your mother.

Are we alluding to my mom's? The entertainment at a Black Panther party? That's exactly what we're doing. She listens to the show. Luckily, it's not too deep.

Sorry, I cut you off there. Yeah, no.

Believe we were trashing your family?

Sure. Oh, man, everybody's getting it. All right, let's see. This one's from Project Pat. $10 homie, never have one read. Is it garbage to say you work for a business instead of at a business to sound classier? For example, I work for Exxon when you actually work at Exxon. That's a good move. That's really fucking good. Because now we're picturing Enron or some shit. You're in the office.

You're in a shirt and tie. You're yelling. There's a graph. You got more responsibilities.

Yeah, also I work with. I work with them. Instead of he's my boss, I work with them.

Yeah, they're a client of mine.

Oh, yeah, client of mine. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. What are you talking about?

I remember one time I used to work at a law firm, and I was on the call. The partner was like, I was in his office, and I was doing all the grunt work, and then he was like, I'm here with my colleague, Kevin, on a conference call. And I got to tell you, I was, dude, it was even like he was leaning back, and he's like, I'm here with my colleague. Kevin's on the call, too. Wow.

Old Papa. Good to be back. I love it here. Sorry, I'm a little banged up from the Nashville weekend, but we're having a good time.

Dude, you could have told me while I'm in dirty underwear. I'm fucking up so bad.

Colleague is big. I would have asked for a raise as soon as that phone hung up. We're going to throw you on hold one quick for a minute, David. Goddamn partner. Right.

That's crazy.

Goliath's good. Associate's good, too.

Associate of mine. That's down-talking. Yeah, he's an associate of mine. That's true. That's who you buy coke from. I got an associate's degree. That's the shitty one.

That's the two-year one.

This is a bachelor of mine.

Do you have an associate's?

I got the bachelor online. There you go. Finished it later. DeVry, baby. Phoenix. Phoenix. I think we played you.

Did you ever graduate from the film school that you went to? Was it New York Film School?

I did, but you could do tiers. I did the two-year program. Okay. Yeah, you could do the four. You could do a six. I did a two. I got in, got out. Six. Sucker. Yeah. Crazy. Oh, man. All right, let's see. This is from Slappy. $10 discipline of trash. Never had one read. Ever wrote something on a bathroom stall? I feel like you could have been tagging up back in the day.

That was the original Twitter. It was like, I fucked Susie, and then you put an arrow. You're actually gay for a good time. I mean, that was it. You still see that sometimes now at a seedy dive bar. You'll be like, this guy sucks. No, you're an asshole.

Yeah. I love that. I used to see it all the time when I was waiting tables, and I could never figure out who the fuck was in here with a marker like that. And they would tag it up with bad gang things. It's a bear burger. What the fuck? You're claiming your turf over here?

When you say you did an all-nighter, you were up 24 hours, didn't sleep?

Well, now you got the phone, so you're not even looking at the wall. Before, you had nothing.

You had nothing to look at. I used to hate that shit. I hated that, and I also hated, this is going back, but the kids at the arcade, they would take a lighter, and they would burn the arcade machine. What? Just to get like a burn streak in it. Yeah, I remember that. Fucking worst.

Yeah, well, they got these after parties with the free drinks, and they just keep coming. Then you see a guy who's at the show. He gives you a shot, and you high-five him.

I never saw that.

Yeah, so I knew you were in a bad spot. Right, right. Parted down.

I remember one time I was pissing in a urinal at Juan's Flying Burrito. I was shit-faced. This must have been, where's that at? It's in New Orleans. Okay. On Magazine Street. It must have been 2001, and I saw a guy wrote, the hottest girl in the world, some guy's tired of fucking her. And I was like, pfft. It was like fucking Confucius or some shit.

I think he did say that, yeah. Yeah, I was 19. That blew my mind because I was like, I couldn't get laid. I was a nerd. I couldn't find pussy. And then that guy made me feel a lot better.

Sure. There's an old street joke of a guy's trapped on a desert island with Cindy Crawford and they have sex for like two years. It's awesome. And then finally, at like the end of two years, she's like, you know, we've done everything. What do you want me to do now? And he goes, hey, put this mustache on. She puts the mustache on. He goes, guess who? I'm fucking. I never heard that one.

That's pretty good. We saw Cindy Crawford. You guys use that. Oh, yeah. We saw. Ruined her dinner. Ruined her.

We ruined her dinner in L.A. Would fully eat it. Skinny broad.

You're not going to finish that.

Breadsticks got my name on it. What happened? I mean, she was the one. And you know what's so funny? I'm such an idiot. And we had been drinking. We were, like, day drinking. Then we went out to dinner. Luke's a cool young guy. He picked a cool young spot.

Where were you at, Frankie and Johnny's?

Marvin's out there. La La Land. Hollywood. Goddamn Hollywood. Hollywood. You got to show face a little bit. Tinseltown. And I was pretty fucked up. And they were sitting right behind him. We were, like, bumping. And it was just a bad scene. Like, we were, like, you know.

So what night is this, theoretically? That was Saturday night. So it's Saturday night, so you don't sleep Saturday. Sunday, what do you do? I get up and go on a flight and go home. And then you've got to go home and hug a baby.

It was her, her daughter, her husband, and Austin Butler.

So her husband also owns Casamigos. I did not know that. Her daughter is also a famous supermodel. Kaya Gerber. Pete Davidson. Really? They had a little fling. I'd love them. Oh, yeah. I want to smell that hog. I'd love them.

I got a thing with Gerber, too. He's hot, too. He doesn't like them.

Oh, shit. This is my room. We might not be able to get a table at Marvin's ever again. You start talking shit. What's wrong? You prefer burger.

Randy Burger.

Wait, what's up with you and Gerber? Nothing. I don't even know the guy. He just doesn't like the advertisements, and he doesn't like that he's that close to George Clooney.

Yeah. He wants to be friends with Clooney. We all do. Because the Casamigos got started. They were so rich and so cool that- They bought vacation homes in Mexico, and they kept saying they couldn't find a smooth tequila in Mexico. What are we talking about? That's hilarious. That's like not being able to find fucking Coke in Colombia. What are you lying? You got bad hookup.

Is he the guy on the motorcycle? He's the guy on the motorcycle. He's the other guy.

Always wonder who the fuck that was.

He's a huge restaurateur. He's a hunk, too. He kicked the shit out of me, too. But they came up with Casamigos just for their friends. Wow. For friends. A friend's house, yeah. The story is that they made a big order, and the order was so big that they had to get a license if they were making that big of an order in bottles. They ordered like 1,000 bottles.

So they were like, oh, let's just sell it to the public. It's a fucking billion dollars they sold it for.

A billion. I heard he gave 14 friends a million each.

Yeah. That's not too shabby. Not too shabby. Wow. I'm getting the ideas. What? Giving out a million.

I'm a poor Osos, man.

Just poor. Gentlemen.

But I saw Cindy. I walked back from the bathroom pretty fucked up, and I see her, and literally in my head, I went, that's a good-looking older broad. That's all she registered. At one point, I was in love with her. She was the hottest girl in the world. And that's how stupid I was. I was like, that's a pretty good-looking older broad. That's what she registered as. She's gorgeous.

And you've got to fake it. I'm at the airport puking my guts out. I'm eating a sandwich going, all right, come on.

Still looking good.

Hanging in there. Real good. Yeah, we ruined their dinner. Fucking laughing, talking.

Oh, I didn't do it. Ah, yeah, one other bottle. Just like, you know. It was like. I will say, Cosmico's not the best tequila.

That's like a weird taste to it.

Weird to get the vanilla taste and the hangover is.

Brutal. And everybody uses it. I know. That's the fucking, that's the go-to now.

They got in as the tequila. Yeah.

Somehow. Crazy. Yeah. I like a Don Julio fucking 1942. I'm a bodega cat man myself. Just saying.

We got it on the shelf back there. Hey. Oh, you got the old bottle. That's a vintage. Well, give me a new one. Ship it. I got it, Fanny. I'll send it right over. Charge me for it. Oh, shit. Yeah. I thought that was understood. Shipping and handling. How are you going to start? How are you going to start the car? Well, wholesale prices. All right. Let's see here. This is from Ethan.

You're hungover. You're proper hungover.

$10 contributor to the big man's 401k. Thank you. Never have one read. You guys ever have to throw drugs away at the airport? Oh, yeah. I'm not a narcotics man, but I picture you don't throw them away. I ain't throwing away nothing. Yeah, he rides dirty. Up the butthole. Will you throw it away, or will you keep it? I fucked up. I was hungover. I had a ton of shrooms in my bag.

Hungover, no sleep, you know, the whole thing. Diarrhea, puking, gay.

Because as a comic, you get handed stuff. All the time. And I take it. Some guy's like, I'm going to take a shit from a stranger. I'm like, I prefer it from a stranger. Bring it on. Put it right in my ass. And I had a bunch of shrooms in my bag and Adderall and some other stuff. Yeah.

Fucking Dr. Feelgood over here.

And I forgot. And I just, you know, I was hungover. I just sent it through the belt. And it went through. And I realized, like, two days later, I opened the bag. You know, I get some shit out of there. And I'm like, oh, my God, I had the shrooms. And then I never cared again. Once I got through. But what fucked me. was the border, Canadian border. They got me. They got you?

You can't walk in and be like, hey, I don't feel well or something like that.

They got me on a weed dust stem seed from 1988 at a fucking rat concert. No shit.

Round and round. They found it with the dog. The dog got it. And what did they say? I had to be detained for six hours, and they were like, it's so little, we'll let you go. I was doing just for laughs. But another crazy story. I had a bunch of weed gummies, a bunch of shrooms in my bag, and I did a gig in Buffalo. And I had a Buffalo Friday, Montreal Saturday.

No, you've got to be on, baby. It's battle stations when you get home. That's the hard part about a kid.

And this kid goes, I'll drive you up. It's like a two hour drive. Fuck flying. But you got to get rid of the drugs. And I said, no problem. They didn't do that. Right before the border, we went to a guy's backyard, and we made a little hole. We found, like, a secret area, and we buried all the drugs. And I go, let's come back tomorrow, and we'll get them. And he goes, you got them.

Yeah. This is my deal, Norman. So we go over the border. The kid opens for me. He bombs. I drive. He drops me off or whatever. I do the gig. And then he goes, I'm going to fly back. And I go, I'm going to fly back. You drive back. And he went back and took all the drugs. There you go. So he got them. There you go. Shrooms, weed, whatever. Coke, you're in trouble. Oh, yeah. Don't be that guy.

Hey, everybody, who wants to laugh?

Be fucked.

I had friends take Coke to Columbia one time. What?

Sand to a beach. And he's like, yeah, but what if we couldn't get it in that first couple hours? I'm like, that's a pretty good. What? It's insane. Gaze to Fire Island. What are you doing? Got to come correct. Yeah. Well, I guess if it was like, oh, the numbers we got, whatever it was, he had, you know.

Listen, everybody that was there was like, you fucking idiot, and then it was like, alright, let's have some. Not me, I don't partake, I wasn't even there.

They keep saying Columbia's gonna legalize cocaine.

doing crowd work? Because you've got to think, she's been with the kid all weekend. So she needs relief. And you come in smelling like a hooker or something.

A possession it is. You're allowed to have like a certain, you know, like it's decriminalized, you're allowed to have like a gram on you. I would love to just try it down there. I know, it's so pure. It's gotta be.

Let's go! It's gotta be awesome. I know, I bet it is. You've never, you've probably had some good stuff. Oh, 100%, but not fucking... From the Garden of Eden. Right. It's always eating with this guy.

All right, let's see here. This is from Brian. Is it garbage if your go-to pizza takeout place happens to be from the local laser tag place? Wow. You're in a bad neighborhood if that's the case. Wow. Getting takeout from a fucking laser tag spot? Could be good, though. Yeah, but if you're a laser tag guy at this age, you're just practicing shooting. You're going to go back to the hood.

Isn't that coming back a little bit? Aren't laser tag places kind of popular now? I don't think so. Like paintball was? Is that right? I remember when laser tag first came out. I remember the actual product. It sucked. Oh, like the one you get at the house. And only rich kids had it. They all got it for Christmas one year. It was janky. Because you go, I fucking hit you, man. It didn't light up.

If you were more than eight feet away or something.

Yeah, it wasn't like in the commercial. The gun was cool as shit, though.

That's true. Yeah. We had to place the ultra zone. I mean, you must have been like eight years old is when it hit. And I was by the mall. And I mean, it blew our fucking, it was like you were in space. Yeah. It was like, it was a game master. And like, yeah, it was fucking, it was awesome. And then you got to see your score at the end.

Yeah, exactly.

Cigarettes. Puking up cigar butts and semen. She hands you the baby when you walk in. And you're like, who's this? She's covered in stains. Looks like Monica Lewinsky.

Yeah. That was like, that was it. You went as well. That was like my Vietnam.

Where's this guy from? This laser tag pizza?

I don't know. Check it out. See what's up. You're on Zillow looking at real estate. It's probably good. It's probably like bowling alley pizza. I do like bad pizza. Me too. Love bad pizza. Oh, yeah. Chuck E. Cheese, all that shit. CC's. You guys have CC's? I've had CC's once. I was real fucked up at Penn State. That was the only time I've ever seen it, though. Oh, it's good.

It's like five bucks.

All you can eat.

Never been to a CeCe's.

There was all this pizza buffet and a little salad thing that no one touched.

Sure. They're also the inventor of the dessert pizza. That's right.

That's right.

Everybody started copying it.

That's your Elon Musk?

That guy?

You got a photo of him at the house framed? The churros pizza. This is Giacomo Sisi.

He was a great man.

Papa John's wouldn't let him change the recipe, so he said, fuck you, and went out and started his own thing. You know who else is a real guy? Benny Hanna. That's a real Asian dude.

That's Steve Aoki's dad. That's right. That's right. But he vowed to never, I don't know, apparently he was a bit of an asshole. Oh, really? Benny Hanna was. I could see that.

He got caught insider trading. Didn't he?

Yeah, he fucked up Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah.

Really?

Because at the end of it, I believe that's a true story, and he did go to jail or whatever. He got in trouble. At the end of it, he goes, I'm never going to a Benny Hanna. I don't care whose birthday it is. Because think about when Benihana hit, if you were a rich guy in New York or L.A., that was probably the coolest fucking thing. They're flipping shrimp around and stuff.

Oh, yeah. I can't do it. I don't like eating around other people. Communal tables, no good.

I'm with you. I don't like sharing. I hate tapas. I hate family style because I just want it all.

Family style I like, with people that I know. Yeah. But me and my wife walked out of a, I made her walk out of a Chinese place down in Chinatown. Maybe it's Zhongli's or something like that. It's not O'Malley's, but I can't remember what the name of it was.

It's tough. And then when did you get to sleep on Sunday night? Sunday night?

we get in there and they're like yeah you're sitting here and it's like a long picnic table with like fucking some family from Idaho I was like fuck that I'm with you you sit down the other side yeah I'm not sitting around other people yeah the whole thing yes

I hate that in New York. It's just so close. I went out to fucking brunch yesterday with my wife and it's like, you're just. I know. I'm like, I'd rather sit outside and eat over a mailbox.

This is like, I can't talk. I can't like, I'm like, my wife would be like, asking me some like intimate, not intimate, but like something. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

business out there right airing out my dirty laundry we're comedians we want to say fucked up shit i know my wife keeps doing the thing very loudly and this is my fault this is my fault i'm admitting this is my fault screaming when you jerk it we go in and it's like are you gonna be okay here are you gonna be all right are you gonna be comfortable here do you want us to move to the bigger table like saying it loud

Well, I said, you know what? I'm going to put the baby to bed early you know get some baby time you're going around pulling the shades down yeah what's his name again and uh yeah so i went to bed at like you know 10 30 i watched white lotus i rubbed one out and that was it where do you rub one out You know, the crib's here. I'm in the bed. We're good. Sure. The sound machine's on.

That's awkward.

There's fucking chicks in here to fucking tone it down.

Wait, what are you, her dead nana? Like, you going to be okay here, Grandpa?

Well, she knows how fat I am. It's more of a seating situation. I see. I had them do that to me at a sushi place two weekends ago where they moved me. Oh, they were like, don't you think you'd be more comfortable over there? Because, you know, you're kind of blocking the thing here for the we don't want the servers bumping in.

I got the fire marshal all over my back.

You're going to have to eat in the basement. Yeah. They move me over to a corner table.

I picture you walking. It's like Godzilla. They're all like you're stepping on buildings and cars. The water is shaking in the glass.

Yeah. Fucking bastards. Gang, this show is sponsored by Liquid IV. Say it again. This show is sponsored by Liquid IV. One more time. This show is sponsored by Liquid IV, and so is every hangover I've ever had in the last six, seven months, man. I'm saying the last couple of years. What are we talking about? Goddamn OGs at this point. We love our Liquid IV over here, gang. We tell it all the time.

Now, listen. Is it great for working out? Yes. Does it hydrate you three times faster than water? Yes. But what are we really using it for? When you're hungover. When you're sicky. When you're sick. It used to be cranberry juice when you were a kid. That's 1950s shit. I might as well be drinking that crap that they had up on the moon. Now it's all about liquid IV.

When you're not feeling well, just put that in your Yeti or whatever you got. Chugging that. How you doing? I like the golden cherry.

I had some this weekend, that new berry filet. Dude, I'm telling you, one of them berries and a bacon, egg, and cheese, I'm ready to fight my landlord. Get out of the way. I am starting to eat with it.

That's bad.

I love it. Guys, get ready for summer with Extraordinary Hydration from Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com. Use the code GARBAGE at checkout. You know it. That's 20% off your first order with code GARBAGE at liquidiv.com. What are we doing? Go get your Liquid IV. Stay hydrated. We love you. Back to the show. Back to the show.

Yeah, I just hate that shit. That's a tough one.

It's my corporate steakhouse. Oh, you have Benihana. Big seats.

Big leather seats. Love that.

Pretty good. Okay, so he's not a Benny Hanna.

You're one for two. He's batting 50% on real guys.

Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't think that last name was Benny Hanna.

That'll do it. I gotta say, we were talking about resorts. I went to a resort with my family maybe like six months ago, and we went to the hibachi. Like, there's like an Italian place, a steak place, a hibachi place. You go to each place each night. And, man, the hibachi. This guy fucking killed it. And it's not for... Us.

It's for show. It's for show.

It's for kids. It's for grandparent. And I mean like this guy fucking put on a goddamn show.

Really? It was impressive. You agree some?

They did. Yeah. Okay. My brother took care of it. I didn't have a cash on me. You know what I mean? You know what's another tough one is hot pot. You ever do that? Love hot pot. I can't get into it. Really? Well, it's a giant cauldron of boiling oil, and you put a fucking squid head in there and one of their daughters, you know.

Sounds like a racist term.

Yeah. I love hot pot. You get the spicy one, and you get soup. It's not oil.

Oh, it's not? No, it's soup. It's so greasy. I don't know. There's something about it. I don't know. You take it out. It's a hazard. There's shit flying everywhere. There's- Water coming at you? Do you do a Korean barbecue where you go flip-flopping?

I'll do that all day. I'll do that all day, yeah. That's all right. Love a Korean barbecue. Love it, love it. The best.

Walk out smelling like a line cook, though.

You do.

You can't run into a comedy club after that. But it's just fun. You feel like Hunter Biden. You're just freebasing that shit all day. It's great. I think I'm really good at it, too. Right, right. I'm like, we're into weeds. And I'm like, fucking, you know.

Have you ever yanked it when the missus is in bed with you?

I'm telling other people how to do it. Totally. Chopping it up with the scissors. Oh, yeah. I love that. All the stuff. The first time I went, I was like, all this shit's free? I know. And they just keep it coming.

They keep it coming. I went to a place in Jersey, Fort Lee, which is very Asian in Fort Lee, and we went with my Korean buddy to a place that we're like, they don't speak English. They didn't even look at us.

They just went to him, and he was just like, hit us with it, and it was fucking fantastic. Hell yeah. Is Lee the guy? I thought it was Robert E. Lee. Turns out it's Young Lee. There's a lot of Asians in Fort Lee. Yes, that's what they said. Very much so.

Yeah, that's tough.

Happy coincidence, I guess. What? Lee.

Lee's an Asian name. That's what I'm saying. That was a bit. Well, they have the term fort over there that's relatively derogatory, I would say. I can't wait. Fair enough. Hit me later. Sure, I'll text you. Over a little hot pot. This is from Hemi. Is it garbage if you can see three different McDonald's signs from your house?

Really?

You've got to not shake. You know, you've got to keep it still. It's like I need a, what do you call it, a posturpedic. That's a slow jerk. Yeah.

Who do you live at the airport? That's crazy. I know, right? That's a tough neighborhood. Or paradise. It does exist. The only way that's not trash is if you're in some crazy high rise. You can see the whole city. Sure, yeah, if you're in like a penthouse. Right. Which I think that in New York, to have the floor-to-ceiling window is something I would love to have. Oh, that's big.

Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do not think you wear. It didn't go through. No, dude, that's insane.

You get the hobo right up on it, jerking it. Not on the first floor.

At least on the second floor. Anytime the fast food's that close to your house, you're in trouble.

Yeah, Michael Jackson had a McDonald's in his mansion. Is that true? That's true. Give it a gook there, Lukey. Norman Fax over here. I'm telling you. You know, that's named after a guy.

McDonald's.

Let's see how many I can do. It was Gary McDonald. Carl's Jr., not a real guy, by the way. He wasn't his son. And Jack in the Box, real name is Randy. He wasn't his son. They were friends. That was it. Yeah, exactly.

Make love to yourself. They dropped a bowling ball.

Yeah, nobody has that. You got people working there. You got trucks coming in and out.

I already forgot. It was your claim. The McDonald's in Michael Jackson's house. That wasn't real? No.

That was a movie. Which, man, that was a great movie. I was the same age as that guy.

Oh, man. I think, yeah, there was a claim, though. He was like the original Mr. Beast. You know, he could just make shit happen. Yeah. Him and Blank Check. Blank Check was huge.

You're just standing there wailing on yourself. Yeah, exactly.

But I just saw something. The broad in Blank Check who was a cop who was like 30.

Didn't she make out with him at the end of Blank Check? Who's Blank Check? I saw that. Blank Check. Different Asian. Gary Blank Check. Yeah. Who's that? Gary Blank.

Yeah. Yeah. Who's Blank Check? So Blank Check was this kid. He was pretty savvy at computers. He got hit in a parking lot on his bike.

I've always wondered whatever would happen. Because that's my move. And if I ever got busted doing that. That's your move? Good thing you don't have a waterbed, dude. Oh, God. That's Katrina all over again. That thing pops. Taking out the coast of Japan. Fukushima.

He got hit on his bike by this guy who the cops were. He was trying to get away from the cops. This bad actor, bad character. Giamatti, was it?

He smoked cigarettes like crazy. He had such a 90s sig face.

Michael Lerner. Don't you have the IMDB?

This is, we're going real. No, that's not that guy. That's not that guy.

That's the guy that ran. That was another guy. He ran the agency that James Caan worked in. Elf. Oh, shit. Here's the boss in Elf. Love that guy. Michael, Miguel Ferrer. Oh, that guy's great. RoboCop. Yes, RoboCop. Man, RoboCop was vicious. That was dark. I had a hard time getting into that 70s show, which I loved because of Red. And the Chinese restaurant. Oh, yeah.

Because the dad was, dude, he was so good in RoboCop. Terrifying. And so mean.

Yeah, that movie was...

just twisted fucking blow his head off they got some like swedish guy to direct it and he was like a gore nut maybe not swed german or something forgot the guy's name but he was like we're going all in they're like the studio's like what are you crazy cutting a guy's head off you're cutting the guy's balls off and he's like we're doing it and it worked so good paul verhoeven paul verhoeven

Dutch. Okay, thank you.

Co-owner of Benihana. Only a couple locations. Yeah.

Sorry, we're going full movie time here. I love it. Went down a blank check. Fucking wormhole. At least these are all recent films.

All right, let's see here. This is from Muscles Marinara. Have you or anyone you know ever said, I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six? That is a dirtbag.

What the fuck? I've never heard that.

That was a rapper thing. A lot of Lloyd Bang, a lot of people would say that. I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six. That's why they keep the heater on them.

You mean I'd rather be in court than be dead?

Yeah, I'd rather be judged by 12 by a jury for shooting you than you carried at my funeral by six friends. Yeah, that's kind of poetic. That's very time is money, you know, type dirtbag. That was very early 2000s. Right. No sleep or whatever. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Yes. You could walk a mile in these shoes type thing. You could, you know. Another day short of a millionaire.

This kid was bad. He was like four years older than us. He would wear, he had a time is money shirt with an actual dollar bill in it. And it said time is money. And I remember we were down the shore.

Those guys always had no money.

Always. Always. It's like whenever a girl refers to herself as a queen, I'm like, you have no accomplishments. Yeah. You're a dumb bitch. Yeah. And he was like, he wore it to a bar in wild, and we were down the shore, and I remember being like, dude, you are going to get ridiculed the second you.

Yes.

He didn't get that you were down the shore, and he was still dressed like a thug. I'm like, no one's dressed like thugs down here. Yeah, yeah. It was very like we're at the beach, and he's fitted hat on chain and a time is money t-shirt. Nah, I don't go in the water.

All the water gets sucked out.

I don't want to mess with my Jordans. He's on the beach in sneaks. Remember Jabot?

They had a bunch of clothes. Marcus J. Jabot or whatever. I can never get them. Real guy. But he had a fucking license plate plaque on the back of the shirt, and that was big shit back in the day. I don't remember that. I remember those jeans. Oh, I remember that.

Yeah.

The broads or whatever. The jeans had the straps on the front. That's right. They were big. Big jeans.

Cat runs into the living room. I would assume that would be, just knowing my wife, that would probably be like an emotional, that would be a bed.

That early 2000s.

A lot of white kids trying to be black is what it was. The wraparound sunglasses we're in, the shiny shirts, the button-downs, the frosted tips. It was a dark time. The Ed Hardy t-shirts. Oh, yeah. Never that.

Oh, yeah.

High-tech tees, though. You would get t-shirts from, like, Express. That's where we'd go. We were, like, dressing up. You'd get, like, bootcut jeans and an Express t-shirt and thought we were, like, boot. Jeans. Yes, yes. I got my Apple Bottom jeans on. What was that belt? Buckle. Remember Buckle? That store? No. What? You don't know about Buckle? Johnny Buckle. It was an Amish store.

They just made hats. But no, there was a store called Buckle that was like hot shit. It was all jeans and belts and straps. Remember those big leather straps a guy would wear? With the two snaps on it and stuff? I never understood that thing. That was a very Von Dutch era where the accessories became really big.

The Von Dutch hats and girls wearing the fedoras.

Right, right. A lot of black roots back then on a blonde lady. Sure. And on this night show.

I liked it. All right, this one's from Tootie Slam Piece. At what age did you make your first Craigslist transaction? My dad would drive me to buy things off Craigslist when I was in grade school. That seems young.

Dangerous.

I mean, dude, you're both in bed and you're just fucking, because you do it odd, too. I don't know. He plays the fiddle. He's doing a money sign.

They'd go, let me see it. All right, can I sit in it? Yeah. And he goes, I'll think about it. I'm like, it's $2. Think about it?

I'll get back to you.

Let me noodle on it. I'm a guy on the street, lady.

I was more of a men seeking men type of guy. Sure, that was out there. Woo-wee. Miss Connections. Oh, those were hot.

Women seeking women. Hell yeah. Miss Connections was big. That was steamy. That was a real lady, Miss Connection.

She's the original franchisee. Man, college, I always got to a point every couple of years in my life when it was like, I had a pretty good job, so I would buy some stuff. I remember I had a pretty expensive snowboard. Not expensive, but a couple hundred dollars where I'm like, oh, I don't snowboard anymore. I could get a couple hundred bucks for this.

I would go and be like, that'll get me through this month. Then I'd start selling whatever electronic I had. Real crackhead type shit. Sure. Really? You would? I remember selling my snowboard to a guy in South Philly. Dude, he pulls up. I was with my boy. I'm like, dude, just come with me. I don't think anything's gonna go bad, but, like... For the bye? What? Yeah. For the bye?

And I get out, and this, like, fucking... I don't know if he was in the... I wanted to be in the... Like, a young... He looked like he'd be an enforcer for the Sopranos. Like, shows when Sopranos was hot, too. A shaved head, cut-off fucking thing. He pulls up in an Escalade, parks in, like, two spots, hops out, and he's like... Listen, I know I said three, but I can only do two. Yeah, of course.

It was like him and his boys were going snowboarding that weekend, and I'm like, ah, man, I don't know, like 250? And he's like, it's two. And I'm like looking at my buddy, and my buddy's like, just like looking at the ground.

Devil went down to Georgia looking for his pelvis.

Just give it to him, man. You don't snowboard anyway, you said.

Two works, man. He was working on that the whole drive. You pussy. Pulled up, left the door open, music playing. Like, that's a guy who's going to. He was at least showing, like, I'm a guy who will fight you in this parking lot. Come on. You could have hit him with the board.

Yeah, you should have said no, dude. I said three. Yeah. You go back to South Philly and tell your fucking goons they try any rough stuff. I ain't no band leader.

Yeah.

Yeah, he just does like a little pinch and roll. Weird. Pinch and roll.

Yeah.

You could just walk back inside. Yeah. No. We had met him in the parking lot. I would have had to then put the board back and zip it up in the back.

You probably needed the money for dinner. You probably were in front of a diner or something like that. I already ordered, man. They're going to take my potato skins back if I'm not in there for five minutes with some cash. You're lucky I have another deal percolating inside. Can't be. Come on. Listen, I'm a bozo. What do you want from me? That guy probably told all his boys. I know.

Hey, this fat kid from Temple.

I mean, this guy would have fucked me up. I pushed back. It's not like I let him take it. I still got $200 out of the deal. Joke's on him. It was worth $100. All right. Take that, you slippery guinea.

What are you telling my move for?

Okay. Easy does it. All right. This was from David. $10 jammed up, homie. Is it garbage to take sand from the park and use it in your kid's sandbox? What the fuck?

I don't. That's hilarious. Cigarette butts and shit like that? That's bad. It depends what park. New York City parks are bad. There's just needles and cig butts. It's just hobo shit. It's like a litter box for a homeless.

I've never heard of this.

Yeah, it's tough. Even beaches. Even the nicest area where the beach is supposed to be nice. It's been so many years of cigarette butts and cans. They're all gross. Oh, yeah. Dead birds and shit. Dead birds. Nasty.

You can't be doing that, Norman. You do it out of state if you want.

Dead birds. What are you, a sight man? There's dead birds. Dead birds.

Boot cut birds. Day on the beach.

Yeah, that's – I mean, it's resourceful, I guess, but you don't want to be that guy. We were always big. We always needed – I don't know why, but a lot of times in our life, we needed sand, and we were never ones to buy it. Like, you could go to the Home Depot and get those bags of sand, and we – Nah, there's sand down, and we would go somewhere to get sand. Oh, 100%.

All right. The knuckle.

We built a half pipe in my backyard. The whole thing was stolen. All the plywood, all the coping. We'd just deal off construction sites. Dude, that was most... I mean, same thing. We biked a lot and skated and all that stuff, and they were building up these cookie-cutter McMansions in our area, and we would just go, and the... Two by four is galore.

They didn't care that the guys work in the job site. I mean, now it's like a huge, it was Toll Brothers. It's a huge fucking corporation. So they were just like, we don't give a fuck. Right. Take it. Yeah. Plywood, we would take the tools. Oh, wow. Nails, anything.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Because they would just leave it and we would just go in and ransack it. It was a grab bag. Uh-huh.

It's hard to find a good mechanic. Sometimes I'll do the old backwards. French grip. Yeah, right.

Until some kid fell into the unfinished basement.

That did happen. Oh. Shout out to Chris. Broke his fucking hips and pelvis. That was a rough fall. One of my favorite things ever, we found a box of caulk and just took it and smashed it all over the walls and was just caulking things to the wall of the basement. It was like the funnest thing for a 12-year-old kid.

that's a good time just throwing so just stick in it pre-internet man we had to get creative imagine that contractor showing up monday morning like oh yeah true dude at one point we found the keys for the backhoe like the little oh i mean it was like could do because at four o'clock they left and we would sit up in the ridge like we were indians yeah like waiting for the cowboys to leave we'd sit up on top of this hill all on our bikes and they'd all get in their trucks and leave and we just

I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer. What you may know as the upper atmosphere. It stayed within the molten core of the butt cheek. The underwear, on the other hand, didn't make it. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your hospitality. Of course.

Fucking descend upon the town.

And just fucking do whatever the fuck we want. You had to make fun. You would find an old shopping cart on a Saturday morning, and you're like, this is our day. That was four hours. Yeah. That was four hours. Down a hill. End up in a bush, flipping around. Laughing the whole way. We found a Christmas tree one time.

Dude, somebody had taken their Christmas tree and pulled it into the woods to get rid of it. Uh-huh. And it had like the end of it had sat in water. So it like sustained kind of. And we found it. We were like, we pulled it out of the water. We're like, let's let this thing dry out for a couple of days because we are going to set it on fire. Oh, hell yeah. Let it dry out.

I'll flip it around.

The old McEnroe. It's called the Andre Agassi in my house.

My boy Pat and Flip found it on, like, Monday. They came in with, like, they told us all around the lunch table. They got a score. They're like, we got a Christmas tree. We're going to let it dry out for it. On Friday, everybody come over. This is your Lufthansa heist?

Yeah.

Jimmy!

But he said it was still good. I thought you were going to, like, put it up and decorate it. I thought so, too. I was like, what are you going to do with this thing? A bunch of dorks sitting around. Start doing a white elephant. Yeah. I hope I was good this year.

What are you, Jewish friends? We're burning this fucking thing. I'm pissed. I mean, you're looking for stuff to do. Dude, a dry Christmas tree?

That thing goes up. Oh, yeah.

It was insane. It's a wick. That, we would steal all the PVC. Once they started doing the plumbing, we'd steal the PVC and make three-foot bongs with it.

Yes.

We'd take caulk, caulk it up, make the bongs. Yeah, we set a fire in the woods, and it gets a little too. For like a second, you're like, oh, God! You really find out what you're made of.

Yeah. And I do. My fight or flight response ain't good. No, no. I take off. That and shooting stuff with a BB gun, you find out what you're made of.

Yeah, that fucking red breast is getting it. Yeah.

It was a great comic. It was an open mic comic. I forget who it was. It was a great joke you hear that you never hear again. The guy was like, you know how some people you sit on your hand and jerk off?

And then you hit it and you're like, I can't believe I hit it.

It's like Luigi, probably how he felt. I can't believe I hit it.

I thought it would move.

All right, let's see if we got time for one more here. This one's from Chase Lee. First time, long time, $10 homie. Is it garbage to bring a frozen margarita machine to your mother's wake? That's a hell of a sentence. That's a good party, though. True. I come from a boozing family, so we're drinking before, after. Listen, it's what you would have wanted, I'm sure.

I know, but you just hear somebody in the living room making a poetic speech. I'll tell you who's getting one of those is Clooney when he dies.

Fucking Cosmigos is going right in there. Run it up. I'm putting his ashes in there and drinking it. Live forever, baby. Yeah, but that's it. We've got to wrap it up, gang.

What a fun one. Always great. Always great to have Uncle Mark in the house. You ain't lying, baby. Pleasure to be back. You got anything coming out? Hit them. Hey. This is coming out this week.

Yeah, great. Fresh. I'm going to the UK. I'm going all over the limey, foggy London town. I'm going to Belfast and Glasgow and all that and London and Cardiff, and then I'm going to Australia later in the year just trying to get away from this child shit. Sure. And, yeah, so come on out. MarkNormanComedy.com. All kinds of dates coming all over the U.S. too. Love it. Tuesday Stories.

We might be drunk. Praise Allah.

You're the best, buddy. We love having you. Kippy, what do you got for us?

Guys, we are on the road next week. There's just a few tickets left for Cleveland. That's it. The second show out of there. Then we are announcing our fall dates coming up very soon. Got a big one coming, gang. Yes. There's a link in the description of this episode. Click that. Let us know if you live in any of the cities.

Watch Route 66 on the YouTube page. Grab some cards of the new card. The card game's out. Yeah. Yeah, and that's it. We love yous.

We love you.

See you next week. Peace.

It feels like I'm jerking off a completely different guy. The stranger is great. Is that Nate Bargatze, I think?

I mentioned Easter. I get excited for Easter. Yes.

Any candy-themed holiday he starts chubbing up for. To be fair, you're looking for candy on Tuesday. Just in the corner.

Is it the end of Ramadan? Let me break this fast. I found out that they eat at night, man. That's easy. Do that standing on my head. I thought they had to go 40 days with nothing. Who are they, Moses?

Oh, is that right? Yeah, no, they eat at night.

They're just not allowed to eat during the day. They have big parties at night. The mosque down the street from me, it's like fucking Studio 54.

Club Med. I didn't know that. I was with you. I thought that's why they were so angry.

No tits, no bacon. Get a Keith Bar or something, will you? Nah, they do nice spread at night. Looks pretty good, too. Wow. A little yogurt, a little tzatziki. Sure. Hummus, pita, grape leaf. How you doing? Love all that stuff.

Are you doing anything for Easter? Now you're a family man. Goddamn Mark Norman family man.

The baby's what? He's not even a year, right? He's a few months.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know his birthday. Eat his candy. You got to realize babies make holidays. Christmas with like eight old people is the saddest thing on the planet. Your grandmother's smoking. You're hungover. You're like, what are we doing here? I got socks. So a baby makes it. So Easter, I'm going out to Walmart. I'm getting the bunny.

I'm getting the green fake bullshit grass. I'm getting the basket. A couple of peeps. Yeah, Cadbury's. I'm going all in. I like it.

That's the way to go. You're going to start that trend. Was it like that when you were growing up? Did you guys go big on that stuff?

We did, yeah. My parents, we did a crawfish boil every Easter in the carport. Just like Jesus would have wanted. Yeah. The cousins ran around, and we found those eggs.

Don't have none of them Jews in there. I'll tell you that right now. Holy cow.

Keep the shellfish.

Keep them away. You do a crawfish, what's the carport?

Well, my grandparents had this big carport.

Oh, I got you.

That's a southern thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We don't really have them up here.

It's a very trashy garage for the folks out there.

It's to block it from the sun, like the weather. Yeah. It's like the sun and the weather. Yeah, it's not. We don't really have them. Those things get hot as shit in the summer. They got tools down there, a sawhorse, a kegerator. Yeah, they were pretty. I mean, it's open. There's no walls.

Yeah. It's just the roof.

It's a big tent, essentially.

It's a tent. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a mosque. It's a hillbilly mosque. Yeah, that's pretty good.

All right, I like it. Do you guys have any plans? You got to get the baby baptized or anything like that? We did the circumcise. That was hell.

In the hospital. I did it myself. It wasn't easy. Yeah, I just got a teeth in there.

Yeah, like a Snickers. I just ripped it. But yeah, that was tough because that fucking dong is all mangled for a while. But he looks good now. Good, good piece. That's got to sting. Proud of the piece? Proud of the piece. That's good. Ball bag's even better.

Good ball bag. That is a drum, I would assume.

Oh, well, I bathe him every night in the hot tub, and that thing gets like an old taffy. In the hot tub? Well, that's what I call it. It's a warm bath. I'm not fucking Matthew Perry-ing this kid over here. Cut him out in the jacuzzi? Yeah. You know, that's a guy, by the way. Who? That's his name, John Jacuzzi. Get the fuck out. Pull that up. No shit. I might have the first name wrong.

That's awesome.

Tony Jacuzzi? Is it something like that? That's pretty good. I think I remember this now. That's what it's named after, that guy. No, but then you would bump into other Jacuzzis, I feel. The Jacuzzi thing. I would have went to school with the Jacuzzis. That's true. There's too many Zs, too, in a last name. I'm telling you. I think it's a guy. Uh-oh.

What happened at the garage?

I thought it was an Italian word for hot bath. No. Oh.

Giocondo. Giocondo.

Yeah, yeah.

You know he invented that just to get pussy. Oh, dude, 100%. I'm going to make a big soup. None of these broads want to take a bath with me. Yeah.

You put your butthole right next to the vent.

It can also go Asian, too. Jacuzzi. Jacuzzi. It almost sounds like, yeah, jacuzzi. Oh, very good. That's not bad. That's what they say before they stab themselves.

Right.

Japanese. Right. We had a jacuzzi growing up. What? We were semi-new money. My dad did well that my parents built a house. When we moved out of the city into the suburbs, I was very young. Wait, you had a jacuzzi at your mom's house? Yeah. No shit. Wow.

When did that get taken down? Last year. No kidding.

I remember seeing that. We blew the motor out. So that was in her bathroom. Oh. In her bathroom, there was a big jacuzzi.

Wait, in the tub?

Yeah. No, but it was big. I mean, it was big. I thought you meant outside. No, the jacuzzi's inside. I've seen the one in her bedroom. Yeah, a hot tub's outside. A jacuzzi, I thought, was like an indoor tub. No, that's interchangeable. It's like band-aid. Right. I don't think so. It is a hot tub, though.

Jacuzzi is a hot tub.

A jacuzzi can be outside. Jacuzzi is the name brand.

And do they also make outdoor ones?

I'm not saying they don't. Of course they do. You think Giacomo Jancuzzi is not fucking doing outside? Currently they do.

Currently they do. I've never seen an indoor jacuzzi. I thought that was a whirlpool. Maybe it's a whirlpool.

We called it a jacuzzi. And either way, we'd have like 14 neighborhood kids in there wrestling and shit. It wasn't as classy as it was supposed to be.

A whirlpool is when you have an above-ground pool and everybody runs around in a circle.

Yeah, we used to do that. That's the best. We'd throw ice cubes in it, too. Let's get cold. We didn't have a lot of things. But jacuzzi, the saddest thing about a jacuzzi was when you let one just rot out for a while and you come over and it's just algae and mold. There's like leaves on top of the cover and shit. Yes, exactly. We used to have one in college.

And we'd get, you know, hook up with girls in it. That was like a big selling point. Like, hey, I got a jacuzzi at the house. Dude, in college, that's like, might as well be Hugh Hefner. Forget about it. So I'd bring girls over, and it would be late at night, so you'd flop that big mat, you know, that big foldy. It's like 800 pounds.

Yes, yes. Spiders running everywhere.

And the steam would come out, and we'd hook up and all that, but then you look at that thing in the morning, and you're like, thank God it was nighttime, because this is like flit water.

There's fish in there. Yeah, it was...

brown and roommates at the bottom of it it's like the city of atlantis down there who's paying lenny's rent this month he ain't gonna make it i wonder if jacuzzi was trying to hang out with ferrari and lamborghini like hey i'm one of you guys they're like get out of here he was new money yeah new hooker money possibly lamborghini he he got he got uh elbowed by ferrari that's why he started the company that's right he's not through his nose at him he was a tractor guy tractor guy

Went and told Ferrari, hey, this is what you got to do. You got to do this, that, the other thing. Ferrari was like, fucking go back to the fucking potato farm. Right, right. Built a Lamborghini. Sure. Thinking about getting one. A jacuzzi.

Do they still make Lamborghini? Ferrari's still cooking.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got in one. That thing is a rip. You've been in one? I met a guy. I did his podcast in LA. And he's like, I have a Lamborghini in the garage.

You talking about Matt? Uh, Farrah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Smoking tires. Shout out to him.

Good buddy of ours. Great guy. Good buddy. Great dude. Sent us watches. What? Yeah. Very nice guy. I was wearing it this weekend. Holy shit. I didn't get a watch, Matt. But you got to think of riding a fucking Ferrari. Well, now I'm going to come clean. That Ferrari was a hunk of junk. That thing was rickety and rockety.

I think that Ferrari started the fire. So did that Lamborghini. I think he knocked it into a tree and it just lit up like a pinto.

That's all right. A lot of times those cars aren't that great, though, when you get in them. It's fucking uncomfortable. I couldn't fit in it.

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day.

No, the console's this big. You're all squinched up. I don't get that. Wheel wells up your ass.

Like a Lincoln Navigator. Yeah.

Shout out to a Navigator. Hear, hear. I'm a Chevy Lumina man myself. Ooh, I like a Nissan Altima. All right, let's do some Qs.

Got Mr. Norman here. Let's get to business.

As you guys know, when you sign up on the old Patreon over there, www.patreon.com. You get to ask your garbage question with sometimes a huge star such as Mark Norman, everybody. He's looking behind him.

This guy's been in a Ferrari before. When does the next page of the stage come out? Or is it already out? Which, by the way, was fantastic.

Thank you guys for doing that, by the way. That was great.

You guys killed it.

I wanted to do that. I got more work done that night than fucking for the last six months. Well, you're real commies. You had ideas. I've done those before where a guy's like, what's it? couch and a sofa? What's up with that? And you're like, come on, man. That's actually pretty good. That's not bad. Make me do your leader.

That was Gaffigan.

But yeah, no, you guys killed it. We did a premiere page stage at Village East Cinemas, and you guys and Sal Volcano did a fun little joke writing session at the end, and that was a hot treat. It was a home run. Great job on it.

Sal Acuse was fantastic doing it. Looked great.

Killed it, yeah. That's on Punch-Up Live now. The next one, I think, is Michelle Wolfe did one, so we're going to try to mix it up and do other comics. Oh, there you go. Ah, that's great.

Your producer hat on there. I'm trying.

I'm trying to do a show. It's one of these shows that I'm like, how is this not around? It's right there. It's a layup.

Executive producer, Mark Gorman. I like the sound of that. Trying, baby. Where do you park the Beamer, by the way?

Do you have a garage at the house? I got a nice garage at the Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn, a block away from my house. It got broken into the first week, and it's a fucking- In the garage? In the garage. And I asked the guy for the footage. He goes, oh, we don't do that. And I was like, all right, cool. And then the second week, I got it fixed.

It's hard to get a fucking 50-year-old German window. Sure. So I had to send it to Jersey. I had to tow it out. There was a nightmare. Got it back. Got a boot on it.

Jesus Christ. Is that the only car? Is that your only car?

That's insane you don't have like a 2022 Toyota. I should do that. For zipping around. You get them for like, it's like 80 bucks a month you can get one. Really? I mean, you can get a huge, yeah, for sure. Sweet. Let's get Norman a car. Let's buy Norman a car today. Yeah!

Yeah, it does.

He's an uptake spread I know what I saw.

Yeah.

Stay away.

Oh, nice.

Not cohabitating.

You guys.

Oh, you're so brave.

He's the best.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Well, you might go to the intimacy coordinator and say that.

Oh.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Got it.

Unknowable.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, hopefully.

Right.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Hmm.

To not to, not to participate in that spirit. Well, I'm getting a little emotional. Yeah. I'm in danger. When I talk about my father, I start crying. So yeah. What is that about? I don't know, he was... I'm sorry.

God, I love him.

I'd encourage you to open it wide open. There I was, on stage, in front of hundreds of people, perfectly happy. Then my dad came up, and all of a sudden I became overwhelmed. And I was embarrassed. It wasn't what I intended. I wasn't there to bare my soul. Didn't I just say 10 seconds before that the Gladwells are not emotional people? I want to move on, but Gervais won't let me.

So off we go in an entirely new direction. I mean, I do cry every time. He's been gone five years. And A friend of mine said, two friends of mine said two very beautiful things that I've always remembered. One was a friend of mine who was writing something about his father. And he said, my father died 20 years ago today. I know him better today than I did back then.

And I think about that nearly every day.

That's it.

Love you.

What happens to them?

If they weren't to become a state.

Can we see the fashion? Let's see the outfit one time, Bianca. Let's see the outfit. Beautiful.

Let's see the outfit. Oh. Oh. Beautiful. Bianca, beautiful. Oh. Bianca, ready? And on the right.

Oh, there it is. Perfect. Perfect.

Are you ready to go on the offense? Yeah.

Are you ready to go on the offense?

We have to win back our young people. I am the only candidate in this race for any of these positions.

Dude, look, man. I don't really...

Yeah.

Right.

The stack calling for me, the fascinating thing is to play with the stacks in the rut and look if they are coming, if they are not coming and what they do and what they will do and that's fascinating.

Play with the stacks and the rut and look if they are coming, if they are not coming, and what they do and what they will do. And that's fascinating.

He would come out just to see what the fuck that was.

Why are you being so mean?

As I walk the back alley of Prime 112 with Glizzy in hand, I take a look at myself. Cause I've been lasting podcasting so long that even my Brian thinks that my mind is gone. But I ain't never had a bet with this much purpose. Making a dear friend do indentured service. $700 staking cause I'm banking on the heat. Losing to the Hawks in the playing. I really hate to lose, but I gotta bet.

Against the guy whose kid would wear a chicken on his head.

When I go back home and wanna watch the game I'm streaming and I can't I realize how lucky I've been in my life Been spending most my life living with some gangsters Wi-Fi Been spending most my life living with some gangsters Wi-Fi Been spending most my life living with some gangsters Wi-Fi Been spending most my life living with some Gangsters Wi-Fi.

Thank you.