Ty Marion
Appearances
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
This summer I was dating a black chick. I know that's surprising for some because I've been told I look like I got to pay for sex. But I don't understand why you would pay for something that you can just go take. Anyways, my Nubian princess and I, we wanted to spice up our sex life, so we got these little cards to tell you what to do to one another. But they were crazy.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
One night, I got one that said, tie up your partner and whip them. And with that racial dynamic, I was hesitant. I fucking did it. When it was done, I asked her how it was, and she was like, shit, it wasn't that bad, and I kinda liked it, but why did you keep calling me Toby? She used to make me so mad, though, because she was late for everything.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
And then she explained to me there's this thing called colored people time. I said, all right, for future reference then, can you explain to me exactly how long a cotton picket minute is?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
She was always late for everything. Okay. And there's a thing that's called colored people time or black people time. And it's a real thing, man. I've had roommates that are black, never on time. We were late for fucking everything. Cam Patterson.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Wrong! Hey. Love you, but you're wrong. Hey, it's New Year's resolution, I'm assuming, right? No!
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I mean, I'd give Whitney a chance, but I think we'd have to change the name to Whitney B. Cummings, you know what I mean?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, I'm not, like, real big on, like, the sweetness or the wine in a dine or anything. We'd just go out. We'd have a good time.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We'd do something different. Because in Austin, you can go view. What are we talking about? Escape room?
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
No. It was just because we were a little getting... What? I don't know.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah. I don't know. With those rocks, you can go climb and watch sunsets and shit.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I'd check with her dietary restrictions ahead of time. Okay. All right. I think you're getting warmer here. I ain't trying to make a fucking charcuterie board, give her some cheese. I ain't trying to hear no fucking farts or none of that shit. I'm trying to fucking get something. All right.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
CHANGED THE SUBJECT, BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE. I DON'T LIKE THE DUDE THAT BROKE INTO WHERE I WORKED A COUPLE MONTHS AGO. OKAY. WHERE DO YOU WORK? I WORK AT A DISPENSARY DOWN HERE ON 6th STREET ACROSS FROM THE VULCAN.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What happened here? I'll explain it to you, and if you want, because of the magic of editing, I can send you a clip that you can show on YouTube, too. You guys found the guy? I was there. We have security cameras.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. I'm watching the camera, and he comes up with a... He yanks our door. We have to buzz you in. And he had a crowbar in his hand. He started smashing the window out. So the first time he swung, I was like, fuck that, it's on. So I took off and we're upstairs. I was at the top of the stairs. He was at the middle.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
He slapped the crowbar against his hand and he said, I can't do this today, which I don't know what the fuck that means. I just looked at him and I had some pepper spray at the time on my hand. I said, I can motherfucker. And I sprayed him. We had some other stuff that happened for legal purposes, I'll omit. He left and about a block over here, he bled out. Oh, he died.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, I think he was homeless, but it was also the day that the Lions beat the Cowboys like 47-9 too, so that might have had something to do with it.