Tommy Pope

I felt like Susan got treated differently than anyone else would in a similar situation. And I was determined from a justice standpoint not to let that happen. Why do you think she was treated differently? I think the problem was Susan reminded people, and I say people, us jurors, law enforcement, She could have been your sister. She could have been your co-worker.

What did you have to prove? So in South Carolina, I always tell people a death penalty is like a murder plus, and it's a two-part trial. First part is about guilt. The second part, if you're successful on guilt, is the penalty.

What made her kill those boys was a selfish desire, a delusional desire, but a selfish desire to be with another man.

You say, well, why wouldn't she just give away the kids? If you give away the kids, you're a bad mother. But if the carjacker takes your kids, you're a victim. And if you're a victim, you're more likely that Tom Finley's going to come and rescue you.

I always tell people if she'd shown up at the house wet, injured, you know, from diving out of the car, if she'd gone straight to that house and said, I've done a horrible thing, you and I'd probably never be talking about it today. But she fabricated that story and put that car in the lake...

You know, as it goes down, and the water comes through the vents and the floorboard, and it's coming up, and it's coming toward that camera, and ultimately it covers the camera, which, I mean, even describing it makes it hard to, you know, breathe almost.

The judge decided to give an involuntary manslaughter instruction, too, which suddenly took you from murder to like five year penalty or something. And so that was a little nervous time going to the jury in that first phase. The courtroom was on pins and needles.

It's stressful waiting. You know, you run through your mind, would I do this different? Would I do that different? But you have to kind of let that go and just accept what comes.

I mean, I felt like we proved our case beyond a reasonable doubt.

I just put on this jewelry, dude. I'm fucking feeling it. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Let me tell you something about your set right now, man. You're doing real good out there. Keep it going. Hell yeah.

That's my real last name, by the way. Yeah. Isn't that cool?

Look how cool this looks, dude. Imagine.

I don't mean to brag. I was shitting indoors. Yeah. Yeah.

You fell for the ultimate kickflip, dude. It's a skateboard joke.

Are you fine?

Fucking reading his diary right now. It's just insane.

This is the best.

The charm of this man. He just locked eyes with me, a homeless designer vagina. And I was like, yes, fucking yes. Whatever you said, AB, I'm fucking in.

Dogs.

Like a white Anglo-Saxon posse.

I can see your future in any of this, dude. What?

He's blinked twice. I feel like he fostered a dog and the dog was like, mom, can you come pick me up too? This dude's out of his fucking mind. You think you might... These fucking girls finger themselves all day long. I'm fucking hungry. Walk me. I got to shit. Said the dog.

Stop staring at me, dude. I'm looking at Tony. He's talking. Yeah, I know. I'm looking at you. Well, control your fucking eyeballs. This is insane. Give me your helmet, dude. This boy is insane. I'd rather be homeless. Oh, man. I'm sorry, Tony.

Oh, my God.

Don't look at him in the eyes, don't. Don't look at him in the eyes.

This is an extra homeless episode of Kill Tony tonight.

How many? How many? Come on, come on, come on, come on. How many? That's you. There's flour dusted all over your fucking fat man jeans.

Look at me sandwiched in between these two dudes. It's fucking nuts.

It's Neapolitan. That's what's going on here.

You don't know what's going to work out? Look at me now.

He's a fucking ninja.

You have to focus, dude. Raise your focus, these chaps.

She better be so hot.

Pizza Hut Tonto.

He's gonna break out with her and this place is gonna explode.

Okay. Again, it's Ryukyu Shinmen Tandoo Ramen.

Yes, Tony.

Dude, if you did a Portnoy review for only Asian restaurants, that would be so fucking funny.

Just only Asian.

A lot of... I thought that was going to be fucking interesting. Now, your girlfriend... I'm still Japanese, you understand? All right, sorry, Tim. Okay.

Imagine being that cool, you can wear a Vietnam helmet, and nobody brings it up. He walked into the green room, everyone's like, yo, you look great, dude.

Karaoke at a Japanese restaurant is just fucking dessert, dude.

And one star, this place didn't... Anyway.

I fucking blew it.

Bro, you got a unibrow and mayo on your shirt.

You're trying to shout out your real estate group. Oh, I'm not.

That's AP's condom, dude.

Flag on the play. Cream pie-ing. be a 15-yard penalty.

We got it. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Will, everybody. There goes Will.

Boom, all the way to the limits, Nate Laurette with his Kill Tony debut. Welcome, Nate. Wow, big bird call audience we got here tonight.

Wow. Mama, we made it.

Whoa. You Oklahoma rebel.

A Mexican roofing company. So they lay the tarp down when they do roofs. Roofs. Roof...

You're fucking gone, boy.

Did someone take me home?

He called it a program. That's insane. He called it a program. It's 2025. You're in America. You can't be calling it programs.

Oh, my goodness. Hold on. Hold on. Wow. You jerked off for 20 minutes? Yes. That's insane. That's the craziest part of everything you said. Beating off for 20 minutes is ridiculous. You scrolled the thumbnails.

Is propane leaking? You're just all high as shit, diddling for 20 fucking straight minutes in a parking lot?

No wonder the security came up, dude. That's insane. You know you're fucking nuts, right? So, yeah. Yes. Not because of all the other shit. Jerking off for 20 minutes is fucking nuts. I'm sorry. Happy birthday.

First of all, it's nice to meet you.

I'm sorry for what's about to happen.

Boom. There you go.

I just went up 50 pounds. I just went up 50 pounds for that fucking ad. I just said, good to meet you. I'm going to make this easy. You're right.

I swear to God, I did not hear that.

You won't remember any of this, dude. You are so sick. You can tell him anything, dude. He's wearing a military helmet. He's had 17 joints. Let it out. Let him know what you feel, dude. No shot he's remembering where he was.

You're wearing heavy ears too, dude.

Jamisha Albo has returned. Hi, Jamisha. Tony Hinchcliffe, Mr. President. How are you? Thank you. Indeed. So you were adopted. Is that what I'm getting? I was adopted. Yeah.

john d's on the keys and this right here is the beautiful bold d madness live in the flesh on the bass guitar this episode of kill tony is brought to you by zippix and express vpn a lot of fun in store for you before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible

That's not even that crazy. I'm used to much crazier shit with comedians. That's actually a pretty balanced breakfast of a childhood. Wait until 18. Normally when parents say bye at 18, they mean goodbye. Goodbye. You're out. Don't come back. See you later.

more than infidelity my entire thing my mom and dad cheated on their significant others for 11 years secretly while raising families they were fucking the shit out of each other there we go 11 years into it my dad nutted inside of my mother and she got pregnant my dad assumed that she would have an abortion but she decided to have me yeah the youngest by 12 years

So being told that your mom's bi at 18 to me is fucking boring. You know what I'm saying? Because I was fucked up. I did the math when I was a kid and called them out on it. Anyway, it's a whole thing.

Thank you for sharing. But yeah, I'm a demon seed. I'm the bastard of Youngstown.

Anyway, so it's interesting that you were adopted by Mexicans. How did this happen? That sounds different.

She wanted a girl.

She's like, I just want a girl. And they gave her a black girl?

Damn. That's kind of like a fucking raw deal. It was 2001. Damn. Can I have a second draft pick here? The Mexicans are shaking their heads at me right now. Oh, gosh. I love it. So what was it like being raised in a Mexican household?

Did you have brothers and sisters in the household?

So why did they go shopping for a kid when she could have made one? I don't know.

Hold on. John Dees, senior black correspondent on this show, has something to say. What were you going to say, John? That's the wrong microphone, John. What did you say? Okie dokie. Great stuff, Deez. You get a little bit stronger every week at this show. No, I'm kidding.

They're just having their own side tables right now. Fucking love that shit. The band leader, John Deez. Okay.

What would possibly make a woman try to get an extra child when she's pregnant?

So she found out she wasn't having a girl. She found out the thing inside of her belly had a penis. It's a boy, yeah. I mean, does she even like the boy that's the same age as you?

Why does she hate you?

You still steal and lie. Yes. We're learning. It's nature, not nurture. We're figuring it out here tonight. Deez is not smiling at this at all.

Yeah, you, yes. This was pre-trans.

Where did you learn that term?

Okay.

They'll just call anything trans nowadays. Okay. What did you steal when you were a kid?

What kind of food?

So they told you. They're like, you're lucky you're with us.

Wait, you had an STD? When I was three years old.

You dirty slut.

Wow. That is incredible. Oh, yeah. Tommy has it now. Tommy's going in for that hepatitis B-E-T. Oh, yeah. Look at this. You got that KFC HPV. Okay, shut up. We're having fun here. How often do you get to make black STD as a baby jokes? Come on.

You may have given her a whop. I'll be your stepdad right fucking now.

And look at you. Now you're a full-time comedian. You love it. You love this game all the time. I'm having so much fun. I noticed that you sign up. all the time because I see you before the show because you get to perform in The Little Boy. There's a lot that goes on here. Some people you see more than others around. Adam Eget, the booker, likes you.

It's been a long time since you actually got pulled out of the bucket. We're happy to have you. You already have a big joke book.

I love it. You want another one? You got it. Jamisha Alba. Boom. What a great catch. Hell yeah. She can catch a joke book. She can catch an STD. She can catch everything, ladies and gentlemen. It's unbelievable, the stylings of Jamesha Alba. Raised by Mexicans, still catches leather like a black person. Amazing. That's a football joke.

It's a football joke for those of you trying to clip things to make me look like a racist.

Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Cole Castle, everybody. Cole Castle.

Very good set. How's it going, Cole? Good. You've been on this show before?

Yeah. Did this go better than the last time, you think?

All right. Yeah, things could change. Well, no, it already happened. We did see.

Oh, yeah.

You're in it right now.

Have you had a broken nose before?

No? Just looks like that? Yeah. Damn. That sucks. Appreciate that. Yeah, you're right.

Cole, how long have you been doing stand-up? Just that one year. One year.

Sales. What are you selling?

Yeah, how old were you when you got your first STD?

You got that little red Raider in your pants.

That's amazing. That is amazing. Cole, when's the last time you got an STD?

Every single episode, I have two of the funniest people in the world on this show this week. No different. This is both of these guests' first time on the panel, which is very, very exciting. You get to look in the crystal ball of the future of stand-up comedy. These guys are part of the Philly Shane Gillis Super Crew.

You talk a lot about sex during your act. Do you have a lot of it? Do you have a steady girlfriend?

Have you thought about doing other things and writing jokes about it?

Amazing.

Amazing. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you use on the ladies? The old cold castle, the old sand castle, the old fucking cold trickle?

Yeah.

You know what, let's get Heidi up here. I wanna see what this guy's pillow talk is like. Let's do a little, the lovely Heidi. Always an intimidating force when looking directly in a man's eyes. So you just fucked Heidi, which I'm guessing is literally- Now I have to get tested. Yeah. So you and Heidi just fucked. You guys are laying down. Let's get a little example of your amazing pillow talk.

Wow, what a master of pillow talk you are. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Thank you. Cole, what kind of joke book did you get last time you were on? Big one. You got a big one?

There you go. There he goes. Cole Castle, everybody. On to the next one. You don't need to shake hands, Cole. There you go. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for the Kill Tony, I do believe, debut of Simon Perkovich. Simon Perkovich. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, some of the newest residents to Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world. I present to you two of your new Favorite comedians, if you don't know them already, make some fucking noise for Sean Gardini and Tommy Pope, everybody. Here we go. Gardini, welcome. Sit over there. Tommy over here. Get over here, Tommy. Hell yeah. Make some more noise for our guests tonight.

Simon Perkovich. Going in on trans athletes. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? First time. I would remember a Perkovich if I've heard one before. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Yeah?

Yeah, no, Austin's amazing. You're right, it is.

We don't know what you're talking about. The city's great, and Oprah is nowhere to be found. That's true. Does Oprah actually live there? It seems like that would be a slippery slope for her very unhealthy body.

Luckily, that won't happen. Because, anyway, I'll just keep going on. I want to get political here. That's me avoiding politics for a change.

Very good. Farming is an option. What are you talking about? Have you ever farmed before? Yeah.

Right. That's how I feel about other people.

Other people should make my food.

That's where you come in. That's what I do. And that's not what I do. Yeah. I eat the food. Mm-hmm. I drink your milkshake. Yeah. Tell us more, how long have you been in Austin, Texas? I've been here since Halloween, so it's been like two weeks.

Jesus. We just got in a whole episode demonetized for me singing one line of that song. That exact line. No big deal. Just a quick hundred thousand bucks down the drain. Thank you, Tommy. Wasn't even a dude joke. Just switched it to Creed. And it's okay. We'll bleep it. We've learned to bleep it. We have to bleep shit all the time now. which fucking sucks.

Oh shit, look at that picture of Red Band happening over there in the corner. I love this. Very rarely do I get sidetracked by the artwork, but I've never seen anyone draw Red Band so spot on before. Look at that. Absolutely nailing it over there. That's what you look like, dude. I thought that was a mirror for a second, somehow reflecting your perfect face.

That's what Red Band, add a little more weight on the cheeks. Fucking unbelievable Chris nailing it over his head. Salute to you. I love it. The paint ads. Oh my goodness. Simon, you have so much charisma that a painting just took over the show while you were up here. Tell us more about you. What's the most interesting thing about your entire life? Most interesting thing about my life...

There's a theme to Tonight Show because the first comedian got her first STD at three years old. Have you ever had an STD before?

Oh, yeah, baby. Sean Gardini is on tour. Cleveland, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tampa coming up. SeanGardini.com for tickets. S-H-A-W-N. Sean. Look at you, you adorable, funny man. How are you?

Yeah, have you had a doctor look at it before? Or you were just out there on the farms just digging in dirt and fucking living your life?

No.

All right, well, Simon, very, very interesting. We're looking at it. Lichen is a condition that causes patchy, discolored, thin skin and usually affects the genital and anal areas. How about your anal area? Now, I can't see all the way back there. I might have to give it a look after the show. Perfect. Wow. What a disgusting looking disease that is. Not contagious. You can't get it.

It's not contagious. But we don't even know if that's it. It could very easily be anything. you just think it's lichen syndrome.

Cole, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. The audience laughed at your set, but trans athletes is kind of an easy subject. I want to hear you talk about more, maybe more about your life next time or something. Real perspective. There you go. Simon Perkovich, everybody. For sure. Thank you so much. Thank you. On to the next one we go. You guys having fun out there? Do you get it?

You're in it. Anything can happen. Last week, we coined a brand new golden ticket winner. I mean, anything can happen. Your next comedian goes by the name of Seth Shepard, everybody. Seth Shepard is your fourth bucket full, fifth comedian.

You are here. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to watch some wacky comedians. How about a hand for Tommy Pope is here. Has the podcast Stuff Island with Chris O'Connor. Another very, very funny man. How are you guys doing? You excited to be here?

There you go. Very tranny, heavy episode tonight. Seth Shepard. Welcome, Seth. How long have you been doing stand-up?

You sound like a guy that's like 50 years older than you. How old are you?

God damn it. God damn it, Tony. I'm only 11 years old. I've been sounding like this my whole goddamn life. My first words were objection.

Is that true? Yes, sir. Wow, look at this episode. STDs at three, cigarettes at four. What the fuck? This bucket is contaminated tonight.

Wow, absolutely incredible. That is the most Kentucky shit I've ever heard of in my life. Do you still live in eastern Kentucky?

Well, by God, the end of September. Unbelievable. We went from the dude to the guy that narrates The Big Lebowski. And that was the story of the dude.

You have a great narrator voice. It is incredible, powerful stuff. So what the hell was I going to say? How long ago did you move here again?

There you go. So here you go. What's your living situation? What are you living in?

Amazing. You have a job here yet?

You quit the job here in Austin? Yes, sir. What was that job?

Papa John's.

You would know. Our senior pizza correspondent, Brian Redband. Since Papa left, it's not the same. Yep. Papa's got a brand new bag. Absolutely incredible. How have they fallen off exactly, senior pizza correspondent Brian Redman?

No more N-words. The peppers are bad. If we only knew a farmer that could help them with that. So Seth, what are you looking to do now? You're done being a GM at Papa John's. What's next for you? What kind of job are you looking for?

There's a lot of fucking farmers here tonight.

It is very exciting. To see you up close. I always wanted to have Joe Pesci on this show. Fuck you, dude. And you're the closest I could get.

I love the voice that you have for normal people. That was incredible. You really think very low of us. Of us non-accent people. Well, where can I get some fried chicken? Make us sound like real dumbasses. D Madness has to take a watermelon break now.

I love it. So what do you really think? I mean, you're not going to get a job farming. What can we really do for you?

I've never heard him be called that before. Been working with this motherfucker.

Hey, Red Band. Where's your noise? Give me your noise. That's a fucking good one. Where is it at? There it is. Mr. Red Band. Oh, my God. Make sure those peppers are extra peppy. Mr. Red Band put in an order. Why don't you fucking help this guy get a job?

Why don't we just say it? Next person to get fired or that needs to get hired, let's move them to the top of the list.

There you go. I'm going to make sure somebody gets fired there in the next couple weeks. I can't remember, how was your fucking set? Kentucky, and then I wrote the letters. S-A, big? Welcome to Austin, Seth. Big joke, but fill it up. I don't know what's going on anymore. Such a compelling interview. Seth Shepard, his name's getting written down by Red Band.

The motherfucker's going to end up at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, and you're going to see him one day, and you're going to go, I remember, that's the guy with the thick old accent.

All right, is our guy ready over there? Yeah, great. You guys are in for it. This is it. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Not easy at all to move the crowd once a week for 60 seconds. Basically gives you an hour special every year. He's a fucking prodigy at his age, at his experience to be this goddamn good, this cool, and such a great friend.

And we're fed up. He asked me right before the show, he goes, how many arrows is this? I go, what? He goes, how many arrows? I go, what? It's like, hours. I'm like, oh my God, you were trying to say hours? Arrows? How many arrows? Is it two arrows? Two arrows. We're all different. We're all fucking different. Sean Gardini, a soft-spoken assassin.

Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson.

That is how you do it.

A fucking machine. You were in Colorado on Saturday?

I only know you met Dion because I got a text from your dad. who always updates me on the highlights of your career when you're on the road. I was on the road at the same exact time doing a show in Southern California to an amazing, amazing time. Shout out to Fantasy Springs in Indio. Had a big, big, crazy... Extremely Latino turnout.

Anyway, and I get a text from your dad, who always updates me, you know, he just did this, he just did that, thanks to you, da-da-da-da. And so what was Dion like?

I can't believe a pedicure solved that. He needs a fucking chiropractor on those feet.

They were pointed every direction. There's no real way for you guys. It's really just for me and Cam. I get a picture of him. I get a picture of him. I get a picture of him. Do we have an old picture of him? Yeah, we have an old picture of him. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Trust me, I found him. Let's zoom in on that pic like Mike Tyson's ass. I want the people to see exactly.

I mean, the toes are just, they look like they're like palm trees, like growing out other directions. They terrible, though.

The good news is I've never seen your feet. Even if you're wearing sandals or flip-flops, you always keep socks on them. Absolutely, no. There's no way I'm having him pull those things out.

We're going to have fun tonight. 252 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. They are stockpiled at a bar across the street. And if I pull their name out, one of our amazing producers goes and wrangles them from across the street. They come over and pace nervously. right behind that curtain for a few minutes until it is their time to come up on stage.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to find out. I don't want to find out the cam is 5% Falcon. This is good. I could tell Dee's kind of has fucked up feet just by the way he's laughing at all this. It is a black person thing. It's not like racist to say a stereotype that's true. I'm looking at a lot of Texans that drove an hour and a half to be here from the country just like, wait, what?

The women, it's different.

She's not a real person. I love it. You guys have seen Cam Patterson before? Tommy? Sean? Of course.

Yes.

Let's see it. What was it like? Wait. Explain the premise. There was a blindfolded show? It was a blind dating show. Okay. And I was an anonymous contestant.

Thank you, Ken. I got your back, nigga. You're fantastic. Every week, the hat gravitates farther to the back of your head. Is there something holding that on? Nah, nigga, it's magic. There's not a pin? It's magic? It's black magic? Hell yeah. How is that staying on? Can you show the side angle to the humans out there? It doesn't really make any sense.

Just imagine, I got good hair, you know what I'm saying? I swear to God, we are three weeks away from that thing just being on the back of your neck sideways.

Look at the picture of Redman in the corner over there if you want to feel it.

The late great Red Band over there. That's him after being found in a river. Somehow his hat stayed on the whole time as well.

Rigor mortis.

If when it is their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them and then I conduct an interview and me and my esteemed panel find out more about them, make friends. Make enemies. Anything can happen.

Fuck E.T. Fuck E.T. Fuck E.T., nigga. That's right. Absolutely.

If you ran into E.T., I know what you would do. You would steal his bicycle. Nah, smoke with E.T. That'd be cool. There is nobody like you, buddy. I don't know if there's anybody I love quite as much as you. The great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

All right, on and on we go. Where we stop? Who the fuck knows? Oh, this is very exciting. This young lady has been on this show before. We are in for a special treat with a great interview and 60 seconds uninterrupted. This is the return of Juanita, everybody. Juanita is back.

Fuck yeah. Juanita, I got to tell you, I was excited to see your name. You've been on this show a couple times before. I was excited to see your name because I was looking immediately forward to the interview and the jokes that were going to happen. But I got to tell you, that's the best minute you've ever had by far on the show. I love to see.

You doing... Acknowledging being trans, owning it, and fucking talking about it. That's fun. It's always interesting to me, and I think the last time you were on, if I remember correctly, you didn't quite cover it, right? And I was kind of like... In the interview, trying to hint at talking about it this time, it's guns a-blazing. You're definitely trans. There's no doubt about it.

It is. That's what I'm saying, is that it is. And it's best that you acknowledge it instead of me going, so anything else about you? Juanita!

You were a Juan. Yeah. And now you're Juan God. Yeah. Juan is gone. So what's it like? When did you realize that you prefer being a woman or you are a woman or whatever it is?

Could be the future of comedy pulled out of the bucket. Could be absolute mental illness at a thousand miles an hour. You guys have seen this show before. Anything can happen. And now, it happens. begins. And we start tonight's show while we go wrangle that first comedian with one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Hell yeah.

36. And you've been in Texas for how long? Since I was six. Right. Where were you before then? I was born in Mexico. Okay. Born in Mexico. And you're here. So you are a transplant.

Juanita, what do you do for work?

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Translations? Are you serious? Are you kidding me? God damn it. Are you kidding me? Wow. So you were translating Spanish to English? Okay. Incredible. Are you looking for a job now?

Yeah. Okay. What's one of your favorite drinks to make?

Are there any special trans drinks that you make? Like an Unsurely Temple or a... She makes a martini and pours it into a Miller Lite bottle.

I get my boyfriend to come and... You make a mean, used to be a Manhattan.

Oh, I love it. I love it. Juanita, what else? What are some hobbies? What else are you into when you're not doing stand-up comedy?

Oh, that's amazing. I love it. Paint your back, dude. So I got to know these impressions. I got to see some impressions from the lovely Juanita. I'm so excited.

Oh, Nicole Tran from Kill Tony.

Wow. I've never heard anybody do a Nicole Tran impression. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Juanita doing Nicole Tran, which, by the way, has the word Tran in her name. Just a fun fact, for those of you hearing the translator transplant, that's a Tran doing Nicole Tran. Can't make it up. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Juanita doing Nicole Tran.

Truly, I mean, this guy, even though in the golden ticket range of comedians, really basically a regular. I put him up every single time he wants to go on stage and every single time He does extremely great. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of one of our favorites in the history of the show. Getting things started tonight. This is 60 Seconds from the one and only Martin Phillips.

Very good. That is what Nicole Tran sounds like.

Wow, okay. Who else?

Oh, like Jennifer Coolidge. Okay, let's hear Jennifer Coolidge.

Okay, anybody else you can think of, Juanita? Nope, nope, John D's throwing out a request. Samuel L. Jackson. Here she is. It's kind of hard to just get thrown an impression, but we're throwing you. Let's see. We're throwing it right at you, Juanita.

Wow. Do it again, but this time, untuck your cock from between your legs. No, don't do it, Juanita. Don't do it. Don't do it. Juanita, you are so cool. There is like this, there's like a, you know, a stereotype, I guess, out there that trans people are all woke and annoying and this and that, and you fucking- I get in trouble for being racist.

Juanita, Juanita. What's your love life like? Tell us more. You're into gingers? I want to know what your butt fucking.

Fuck! Wow. Somehow he was no homo and no homo at the same time. That is incredible. Yes homo and no homo. Would you say he was transient? Yes. Absolutely. For those of you marking off trans bingo cards tonight, everybody's won, no doubt about it. It is bingo across the boards. So you made out with a homeless guy and then what happened?

Oh.

Just outside. Back outside. You kicked him to the curb. You didn't send him home.

It does seem like you have some, you know, you seem like, you know, an offensive line woman. So, like, Do you throw boys around? What's your style?

I like tall men. You like big guys to throw you around.

Right.

My goodness. It seems... Absolutely disgusting.

Poor Rick. Wow. Well, I mean, I'll tell you why he would do it. He's obviously a little horny European boy.

Juanita. Can I have his golden ticket? Juanita. No. Juanita. Juanita. What is a typical day like for you? How does it start? Do you wake up feeling like a woman? Yeah.

Right.

Yeah. Does it ever play in slow motion? It's like, feel like a lady. All right. Juanita, you have a joke book? I have a little one. Well, guess what?

Boom. Juanita, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Good old Texas trans, you know what I'm saying, where you're fucking big and bulky, help you move. Type of lady that'll help you move a couch. There we go. For those of you whose dicks have gone into your stomach, there's the lovely Heidi to bring it back out a little bit. The old piece of ginger after the trans sushi we just had up here. All right.

Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Dusty Keith, everybody. Dusty Keith is next on Kill Tony.

Okay, Dusty Keith. Was that about me?

Okay, that was confusing because there was just a trans person on stage. I thought maybe you were trying to riff about her. It was all completely indecipherable. She was rutting on this big tall guy the first day I was here five months ago. Nothing you say makes any fucking sense, Dusty. The girl, the trans girl. Again, just take your time. Breathe a little bit, Dusty. Dusty, Dusty, Dusty.

So what was that supposed to be?

Back in the day, but a made-up story.

About back in the day with me.

Okay. How do you think it went, Dusty? Horrible. Right. Do you do stand-up?

A year and five months. Where have you been doing it at?

And you thought that to come out guns a-blazing and tell a made-up story about me?

Me, I have hot pink rubber clown lips is what you're saying. Okay, these look hot pink.

I don't know. I have beautiful lips, Dusty. My lips are a very, very tough thing to make fun of. They're pouty. They're unbelievably beautiful. Very plump. Heidi's giving me a thumbs up, which means... We're good, Dusty. We're good. But you took a shot at it. What have you tried to write about? You came up here.

Look, yeah, you could have talked about you.

What else? Give us another one of your jokes that you spent a year and five months writing.

Okay, there you go. Look, you moved the crowd.

I'm trying to help you here, Dusty. You came out here thinking you were gonna crush the old fucking king on his throne.

Here I am, here I am.

There's no real point in making fun of somebody that, you know.

Give it up for Bom Marine.

Dusty, what do you do for work?

Holy shit, dude. This is amazing. Oh, my God. Did you graduate from high school?

You graduated from college.

What happened?

That's incredible since you look like the guy from Platoon. No, not Platoon. Fucking god damn it. Did he write that? Oh, you son of a bitch. It's the fucking wrong movie. The fucking wrong movie.

What's the fucking movie I'm trying to think of? Full Metal Jacket. Full Metal Jacket. Not fucking Platoon. Son of a bitch. Did he say he liked porn? That's why he got out of it? I have no idea. Red Band. And he becomes a crossing guard? He doesn't like war or Red Band. Yes, there you go. Thank you, Red Band. So, Dusty, I'm going to get you out of here super soon. You gave up on all that.

You don't like war, but you do like being a crossing guard?

To get on here?

All right, Dusty. Well, when you say minimal stuff, that means you're doing something other than being a crossing guard?

Do you have any jokes that aren't about the way you look or me? year and five months. I want to hear one joke. I'm going to give you a shot to do one quick joke.

Okay, here's a little joke book, Dusty. Wow, amazing, even unfunny, all the way to the absolute last breath. There you go, put the mic in the mic stand, Dusty. There he goes, Dusty Keith. I mean, how hard can you bomb? That is incredible. No bueno. Juanita's about to eat him alive. All right, let's get a little palate cleanser in here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, not a regular, not a golden ticket winner. Just a fucking character that I like to throw in the mix every once in a while. Some people love him. Some people hate him. One of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show. But as of last time he was on this show, we're watching him get better and better. According to that, we'll see how it goes tonight.

Make some fucking noise for the one and only, the return of Uncle Lazer.

All right, Uncle Lazer trying, trying. Being able to do what Dusty Keith could not. I feel like if you're going to do it, do it clever. Come at him in a... I dated a Puerto Rican. Clever. You said nothing I haven't seen in my Twitter mentions over the past two weeks. Adorable. Adorable. Hey, he won. We're safe, though. Yeah. Yeah, we are. How are you, Uncle Laser? How's it going, bud?

Oh, it's all hitting him at once right now. They're all hitting him at once. He should have done the other minute. He should have done the other minute that he had planned.

No, don't. Laser. Actually, I'm sober, dude. You're what? Sober. Okay. No one believes you. Tell us about you. This is two comedians in a row talking about me.

Sober. Too many drugs are not enough, but yet he's completely sober. You don't even realize you confess your sins. What's that on your arm? What do you got there on your elbow?

has done it again. Way to get things started. I was called a Nazi for two weeks. That's why I said the joke. I was like, this is for Tony. I've never been called a Nazi before and I wouldn't have guessed that my first times being called a Nazi were from every mainstream media outlet in the world. Globally known as a Nazi. Me, with my super multicolored panel and love for

Okay.

Oh, shit. UFC legend, future UFC Hall of Famer, Cowboy Cerrone, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. One of the all-time greats. 48 fights under his belt. UFC fucking legend, Cowboy Cerrone. Welcome, Cowboy. Thank you, Austin.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. You heard it here. Goddamn Cowboy Cerrone here in the capital of Texas. The baddest cowboy of them all. We're happy to have you here, Mr. Cerrone. An absolute pleasure. And I'm looking forward to Jake Paul's response here. I know he's definitely not going to want to go UFC against you. Would you be willing to go boxing with him?

I saw the McGregor fight. I know, you don't have to tell me. God damn it. God damn it. Well, Cowboy, it is such an honor. We've had some of the greatest UFC fighters ever do cameos and pop in on the show, and it's an honor to add you to the list. Fuck you, Jake Paul. Fuck you, Jake Paul. Make some noise for Cowboy Cerrone and Uncle Laser, everybody. Come on. Cowboy Cerrone. Fucking legend.

You gotta pee? Go pee, it's okay. Sean Gardini about to pee his little pantsies. I try to tell these guys, go pee before the show. You have to pee? No, I'm good. You're doing good. All right, your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted, right out of the bucket. We're gonna meet him together. Make some noise for Edgar R. Edgar R.

All right. Edgar R. Hello, Edgar. Hi. Hi. Hello. How's it going?

So you did meth?

You're 33. How long were you on meth for? Like seven years. Wow. Seven years. Breaking. Brown. What ethnicity are you? I'm a Salvadorian. El Salvadorian. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Is that a thing with the El Salvadorians?

Absolute love for disabled people. You know us Nazis. We are wild. Nazis 2024, a whole different thing. We just hate ourselves. I love it. Martin, you did it again. You are so fucking funny. How's life been going? It's all right. It's cool.

They love meth.

You said it.

I'm the poster child. It wasn't me. I don't fuck with these islands anymore. Is it an island? No. Perfect. I got myself on that one. So seven years. How does it start? How does a sweet little Edgar like you end up starting Crystal Meth?

Okay. Yeah. See, we're just at the wrong bar.

It is incredible. You're dressed for the cold... Heat and cold. It really is. This is absolutely incredible. Do you wear hats like that a lot, Edgar?

Okay. Mostly for fun. I could see that. I could see that. You look like a sweet little Labradoodle right now. The old El Salvadorian Labradoodle. Yes, sir. What do you do for work?

You work at Tesla?

Look at that. Wow. Do you think you still work for Tesla?

You'll be fine. Elon Musk doesn't like laying anybody off. The good news is it's a short rocket trip back to El Salvador. So Edgar, you said you wear the hat for fun. What do you like to do for fun?

How long have you been playing music for?

I shouldn't have said that. Which one do you do the best? What was that? What do you think you do the best? Guitar and drums. Okay, let's do guitar. Let's get that guitar up here. We have a special guitar. We're going to see if Edgar can play. Wow, this was fast this time. Great job. How about a hand for our amazing production team here? Yoni, Christy, Colt, Monica, everybody.

Jesus, Josh, Aya, Heidi. Okay, you ready? Let's try to let him go on his own a little bit and then you guys join in whenever, but like give him a little bit. I wanna see if this guy sinks or swims over here. My guess is he swims. Oh yeah. You better sing too, motherfucker. You gotta sing. What's going on? Hold on. Do you have anything? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on one second.

YouTube does a thing where they flag everything. My bad. And they literally, all the money from this episode is going to go to Sublime. If you continue to do what you're doing. Do you have anything kind of original? Can you do something? Do you do anything that isn't covers?

Well, here we go. One, two, one, two, three. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. All right, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Go. I'll wait for the sign.

Tell me about it. I want to know. Tell me how I fucked up your life.

John, that's enough. That's enough. You're killing it, John.

Yeah. No, I know. That's true. Matt Muehling, who only speaks once every four episodes, just made a really good point that your original was better than the Sublime cover.

Yeah. There's the lovely Heidi to take your guitar away.

Don't look at Heidi's ass like that, Edgar. Jesus Christ. You could have watched it on YouTube. You had to look like that live? Just like that? Boy, you really are into instant gratification. What are you, a former meth head?

I love it. Do you still get the urge to do meth sometimes, Edgar? No.

How often do you sign up for Keltoni? Every week. How long have you been doing that?

We don't do it on Sundays, so that's perfect that you miss Sundays. What do you mean?

Right. Well, that's amazing. So did you have fun? Was it worth it?

Who do you think that is that Chris is drawing over there in the corner? Do you want to take a guess? Is it that gay guy who's always showing up? That is the correct answer. It's the gay guy that's always showing up. Stop it. Is it him? Look at that. He took a little bit off your cheek because you complained. He doesn't even look like me now. He did. He added some green.

He tried to take some of that cheek away. Now you look like you have Bell's palsy. It's just like a droopy. That's Red Band if he would have just kept getting vaccinated. You were a couple vaxes away from that, Red Band. Look at that. Oh, God. I'd love it if your cheek drooped like that. I love it.

Edgar, before we let you go, craziest thing we would be shocked to know about you other than the meth thing? You ever have anything crazy happen? You ever almost die, save someone's life? Anything crazy?

God damn. God damn, Edgar. You have a wild life, my friend. Well, we are going to start you off with a little joke book. Keep signing up. Write a new minute and let's see what happens. Make some noise for Edgar, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're getting there. We're almost to the finish line. This looks like a fun name. I don't believe this person's been on before.

60 seconds uninterrupted to what I do believe will be your final bucket pool of the show. Make some noise for De La Stoner, everybody. De La Stoner.

Dayla Stoner, you must've been high as shit when you wrote that material.

That's the type of marijuana where you were literally eating cheesecake. It could be either one. What is that on your hat? The world wants to know. Is that a weed grinder?

Wow, you are a true stoner. And that is a joint behind your ear? This is a joint, yep. It's a real hemp on the tip as well. Amazing. And what is that inside of your necklace there? This is fake dabs, so just... decorations. So this is your entire identity. Your name is Dayla Stoner. Your minute was all about smoking weed. You're covered in paraphernalia. I mean, this is incredible.

What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

I got the real one in the bag. Oh, cool. Don't. And then you can't smoke his hat, Deez. So dare I ask what you do for work?

Wow. No, I saved you, buddy. I saved you. You almost fell in love with a mentally ill girl there for a second.

What was the job that you quit?

Holy shit. Holy shit. Just a bunch of moms like, I bought the wrong pant size for my husband's pants. Do you have different pants?

Would you do that? You did it from home? Yes. You worked a Kohl's call center from home?

So you quit that job. Did you save up some money?

On what?

You make money from that?

Okay, so you survive off that. You still live with your family? Oh, no. No, you live it by yourself? I live with my girlfriend. Okay, what does she do? She works in collections in a call center. Okay, she also works in a call center. Yeah. Is she a big stoner as well? Yes. Right. She's going to hate that I said that. Why? I mean, it would be crazy if she was sober. Yeah, right.

And fucking you, covered in paraphernalia.

Yeah, it seems like it. Is it true that you don't smoke blunts anymore, or was that just all to get to that racist joke?

By racist joke, I mean joke about him being a racist, not that it was a racist joke, there's no such thing as a racist joke. Just, there's racial jokes, but by rule, if it's a joke, it can't possibly be racist. Just a little something. Just a little something to remember. Unless it ends in the N-word. Not me. Anyway. Dayla Stoner. So, I mean, geez, what would we be surprised to know about you?

We both lean to the right, that's for sure.

Is there any time you don't smoke weed? Is there times where, like, you forgot to smoke weed?

Are you exaggerating? No, yeah, for real. 500 milligram edible you'll eat before bed. Yeah, and I just have fun with it. Do you just piss and shit all over yourself? Like, what happens? No.

What the fuck?

Oh, comedy or content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so a 500 milligram edible. So if you do that, you don't have to smoke in the morning because you're still high from the night before. So when do you typically have your first smoke of the day?

Well, thanks a lot. Thanks for letting everyone know that I've done that joke before, Martin. That's always great for comedy, you piece of shit. It's so good. It's worth doing multiple times. You're a Nazi. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Put those hands back in those fucking pockets.

That's incredible.

That is amazing. That is amazing. So, again, has there ever been a time where you didn't smoke weed? Uh, yeah, before I was, like, 21. What happens, what happens, do you think, what would happen, let's just say you didn't do an edible tonight, what would happen if you went tomorrow and just didn't smoke anything? What do you think you would think about?

How do you think your day would be different?

That would make you, anybody would want to smoke weed if they're just sitting in a car. That's probably the worst thing you could do. Yeah, that's true. I'd probably end up smoking. Yeah, that's true. There's nothing you could do to not smoke weed. Red Band?

Have you ever thought about doing that with food? Goddamn. Let's check in with the picture of Brian Redband over there. Oh, your eye got bigger. Your right eye is now bigger. It's drooping now. It's changing. This is going to be the most famous piece of art in Kill Tony history, by the way. We're going to do... Let's do a live auction after this. Taking dick off for a day.

No sound effect for you after that one. Dayla Stoner, I implore you. I want to hear jokes about things other than just weed. It's cool and all, but you got to have some versatility. You know what I mean? You got to have some range and stuff. Definitely work on that, Herb. Thank you. Do not use this as rolling papers. Here's a little joke book.

Make some noise for Dayla Stoner, ladies and gentlemen. All right. This is it. This is the part of the show that I mean, this is it. This has been a full episode. We've done it. We've ran it. This is the part where I see the audience looking around, tapping their loved ones, making eye contact, because this is the only way to possibly end an episode like this.

It is with the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews on this show. The man has done it all. every single week writing and performing a new minute for over, long over half a decade. You know his parents, you know his brothers.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Virginia Ham, the Delaware Donkey, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoa, Mike Tyson, look out. Holy shit. Martin fucking fantastic. Everyone loves your style. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I cost you a second date with a crazy girl. There was no other red flags?

Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Fantastic. So silly. So William Montgomery. Right down the barrel.

Nicholas. So quick. You have grown into quite the specialist. Topical, evergreen. These jokes, some of them will work forever.

That did sound like that lady was against you. It sounded like there's a lady over there that doesn't like you. Lady, show yourself. Who was that? Who laughed like that? Raise your hand. We have a little coward out there, William.

That is the basic equivalent, basically, of six one-hour specials. I mean, if you count the interview, which usually runs probably about six to eight minutes, I mean, one could almost say that that's fucking, like, basically... What's your take on that, Red Band?

I don't know if you noticed, he said he thinks you've read comedy more than anybody in the world, meaning that you look off a note card at I didn't say that. You didn't say red? No. Oh. Good. Okay.

I bought dessert for you guys. Did you know that? Yes.

Yeah. It was wonderful. The great people over there let me know that you guys were there. I said, let me buy them dessert. It's literally the least I could do. There was a moment there where I'm like, maybe I should pick up the whole tab for these guys. But they said that there was another couple there. And I don't know if they're fucking haters or not.

And then I found out, yeah, it's two of my other best friends. And I wish that I would have. But I didn't want any fun. I don't know if you guys are hanging out with fucking libtards over there. I know you guys are a little bit.

What do you do at church exactly?

No, she was nice.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hello! We've been doing this a long time. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? On horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matthew, the mortician, mewling on the electric guitar.

Okay, you don't feel good.

Tell us more about this crummy mood you've been in.

Was she normal and able-bodied?

Or were you guys both out there just doing the fucking wobbles? A normal person. Just fucking spilling coffee all over the fucking joint.

Hold on! Just another arrow.

Huh? You almost have it? Is that what you said? I have it on 15 of my weapons right now, so it's kind of a... Oh, I don't understand anything that you're saying. It's a big deal.

Wow, so the war just goes on forever. What is this, the Biden administration? Oh, I'm sorry. I can hear your complaints already. Oh, he political now. Trump said he doesn't even know him. Yeah, he had to say that, didn't he? Didn't he have to say that? Oh, we won. Anyway, no big deal. Are we good with that thing, Christie?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, William, I want you to stay up here because I want you to do something we've never done before in the show's history because, you know, sometimes, I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes we do this show every week. Sometimes I don't even, I forget to shout out Chris. Sometimes I don't even notice he's painting. There's so much going on.

But tonight has been a special night, hasn't it, Red Band? It's been a real special night. And William, for the first time ever, you know this show is wild, it's very improvised. I want you to be an auctioneer for the first time ever. Chris, come out here. Chris Rogers, local artist. Wow, look at this wildebeest. wildebeest of a painting. Brian, you look beautiful.

It literally does look just like Red Band. I'm making jokes. There's no right way to paint a Red Band. It is a tough face. It changes a lot. It's very round. Is that what you think that looks like? Okay, can we turn up house lights just a little bit? Can you give it that red tinge for my stand up? There it is. All right, so here's what we're gonna do.

I'm guessing it was shaken.

You actually have to have the money that you bid. You have to be honest about it. No lies. And William, why don't you start it?

Do I hear 100? Do I hear 150?

300.

300.

400.

You have to keep going higher, William. $500, he just said.

$500.

We got a 650. All the men just crawled into the fetal position. They just got alpha'd by a man in the tower over here. Whoa, 650. Holy shit. We have a true fan. This guy won something to be able to hang on his bedroom wall so that when he's about to come too fast, he can glance at it.

1,000.

1,500!

We got 2,000. Holy shit. Out of nowhere. 2,000 out of nowhere. Oh, my God. What's your name, sir? Eli. Eli has bet 2,000 out... Oh my God, Jesus Josh is out. Jesus Josh is the guy that takes care of Dee Madness. I guess he's clearly been stealing money from Dee's wallet. Red Band's gonna sign. Are you sure you have 2,000? Eli, you're a hero.

Is there anything you wanna give a shout out to or anything? Okay, a man of mystery. Anybody gonna beat 2,000? Going once, going twice. This is, I do believe, $400 going to Puerto Rican landfills. $2,000 total. Sold to the great Eli for $2,000. Wow. How about a hand for Chris Rogers? Red band being a great sport. The legend killer, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it.

how about a hand for tommy pope check out stuff island with his co-host chris o'connor one more time for the great sean gardini he's on tour cleveland buffalo baltimore tampa sean gardini.com these are the dogs the drawing from ryan j e belt is in this is what it looks like thank you to zipix and expressvpn here's some amazing Zippix Nicotine Toothpicks. We want to thank you, Zippix.

This episode is indeed sponsored by Zippix. Who wants some? These are great on airplanes and whatnot. They are an amazing sponsor. We absolutely love them. Shout out one more time for the great Cowboy Cerrone challenging Jake Paul tonight. Martin Phillips, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery. We did it again, everybody.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, our guests, the Comedy Mothership. Business is booming. Big announcements coming. Make sure you buckle up and get ready for the HEB Center. Two sold-out arenas. Two sold-out arenas at the end of the year. That stream is going up for sale. If it's not already, very soon you could buy the weekend package.

Oh, man. Well, she's probably not going out with anybody. She probably shaved her head and swore off sex for the next few years anyway, so no matter what, you'd still be fucking rubbing that shit in your pocket right there.

Thank you.

Okay, all right. I thought it was your fat cock for a second. What kind of dick do you have, Martin? What are we working with here? I've always wondered. Is it also a vibrator? Well, it's...

Go get that doctor, that guy. Absolutely. Very, very, one of the hardest circumcisions to do, I'd imagine. Fuck, stay fucking still. Can people hold down the arms and the legs and the hips and the fucking shoulders? Nurses, I need more nurses. This fucking baby's wobbly, wobbly, wop. Wobbly, okay. I love it. Gentlemen, have you guys ever seen anything quite like Martin Phillips before?

Big fan. Thanks, thanks. The great Sean Gardini. What do you think about Martin Phillips?

Martin, you're an absolute rock star. We love you. Way to get the shit started tonight. You've done it again. The great Martin Phillips. And now we go to the bucket. We know this first bucket pool. She's been on this show multiple times. She got like... Oh, the lovely Heidi, everybody. Big pop from the crowd. You gotta love it. Heidi has lighters. The Heidi lighters are out. I don't know.

Where do people find them at, Heidi?

Oh, they have to go to the actual Yellow Rose. Okay. All right. I thought that maybe they'd be online, but you have to take your ass to a real, legit strip club to get these lighters. All right. You know her. You love her. It's been a long time since she's been on the show. This is a brand new minute from Jameesha Albo, everybody. It's been a long time. She's back. Jameesha Albo.