Tobin Low
Appearances
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Was there ever a time that you asked the ghost question, the person answered differently than you, and you... went ahead and dated that person anyway? And how did that go?
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Her answer to the question is, I don't really believe in ghosts. But if there was evidence to the contrary, I could be convinced. I'm open to changing my mind.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Yeah, like there was something else trying to be figured out. And I don't know, like the more I thought about it, and why I was having feelings about it, it was kind of like this weird aha moment of like, oh, I think you're asking who the man is in my relationship.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
His rigidity was one of the big things that broke them up. Now she tells everyone she knows, if you're seeing someone new, ask them the ghost question. It could save you a lot of time. The thing about any trap, of course, is there are ways to sidestep it, disarm it. And then the person who laid the trap has to decide what to do. Emmanuel had to make such a decision.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
It is. All I think anyone wants is someone you don't feel like you have to set a trap for. Someone who you can look at them and say, you're everything I need and more. It's written all over your face. Baby, I can feel your halo. Pray it won't fade away. Sorry, I'm going to stop now.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Like, it was weird because whenever they would ask it, I could feel myself getting defensive. I didn't want to give them that picture. And I think part of my defensiveness came from, I think, well, oh man, not to take us in a whole other direction, but if you spend any amount of time in the closet.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
I think you're afraid of being found out at all as being effeminate in any way. Like I know for me, I was very conscious of if anyone could detect quote unquote, you know, feminine traits about me and then figure out if I was gay or not. And so I do think that like myself and a lot of gay men like carry that around for like kind of the rest of your life.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
And so I think that comes up in having to answer a question like this also.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Yeah, it feels like it hits on a thing, at least for me, that I spent a lot of time as a kid running from. or spent a lot of time trying to not have to answer.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Like, how masculine am I? And is somebody else more masculine than I am? And like, I do want to make room for the idea that they could have meant none of this. Like, absolutely none of this. Did you address it directly with any of them? No, because that would be bonkers to say, oh, you asked me who's handy. You're trying to say I'm not a man like that.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
The conversation was about the questions people ask on first dates, the kind that force who someone really is out into the open, maybe even without them realizing. One such question I didn't even know was a thing. But a few of my co-workers said that for Black women of a certain age, it's having a kind of renaissance. Emmanuel, our executive editor, asks it this way.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Bim, another producer, has also asked this question on Many a Date.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Could you tell me about some like specific times that you've asked the Beyonce question and what the guy's response was and what it told you?
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Emmanuel walked the guy through all the reasons Beyoncé is, in fact, pretty great. But the guy didn't budge.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
They did not go out again because, well, you could say he was unapologetic when he fucked up the night. That's a play on a Beyonce lyric, by the way. Sorry, couldn't help myself. Anyway, B.A. Parker, who's also been on the show, she said for her, it doesn't even have to be Beyonce. Any well-known Black woman does the trick.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
But this question popped up. And the first time I noticed it happening, it was with my aunt. Kind of out of nowhere, she was like, oh, which one of you is handy? Is one of you handy? And I was just like, why does she want to know that? Like, why does she care? And I had, like, feelings about it, and I couldn't tell why. And then it just kind of kept happening with other family members.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
But the Beyonce question, she agrees, is the most potent, because the answer can really tell you if you should be crazy in love or putting everything he owns in a box to the left. Again, I am so sorry. The thing about a bunch of people using the same trick, though, is that eventually people, in this case men, might catch on. Are you aware of the Beyoncé question?
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Emmanuel Jochi, producer and man at the show. Have you experienced this?
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
He told me about a date he was on where they started talking about musicals, and the movie version of Dreamgirls came up. And thinking he was just answering a question about the movie, Manuel was honest. He said, Beyoncé was just okay in that. He didn't realize he was answering the wrong question.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
It was only later that he learned from another guy friend why he, as a Black man, should really only answer one way.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
In some cases, the Beyoncé question is like an agreed-upon farce, where both parties know they're talking in code. Parker was recently on a date. She mentioned Beyoncé's Black is King film.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Of course, there are other questions like the Beyoncé one. Little traps we set on dates, hoping the other person doesn't fall in, or hoping they do. One that made the news recently, which may or may not be true, according to an old classmate, Governor Ron DeSantis would ask dates if they liked Thai food. But, and this is key, he'd pronounce it thigh food.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
And if they said, no, it's Thai food, not thigh, he'd ditch the date. It was his way of testing if they'd correct him, which he did not want. I don't know, sounds like a test I'd be grateful to fail, but that's just me. Anyway, I talked to a bunch of other people about their question traps. Kelsey in Minnesota asked her dates about their favorite Tom Hanks movies.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
She said he's been in so many movies across multiple genres. The answer is kind of like a personality test. Toy Story, for example, tells her there's a stunted adolescence thing going on. Sarah in Tampa said when she started to get a weird vibe, she'd ask, what's your favorite conspiracy theory? Most people would keep their answers lighthearted, but occasionally someone would go all in.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
One guy started talking all about Nazi separatists. She's Jewish, so, you know, kind of a deal breaker. But not all question traps are subtle. There's another genre that I was surprised anyone fell for. The kind of question that seemed covered in yellow caution tape and a sign that said, this is a trap. This one comes from Vivian in Iowa.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Like, they would be talking about, like, oh, you guys moved in together into this house. Which one of you is handy? Yeah. And on its face, it was kind of like, oh, we know when you're in a house, there's a lot of things to fix and a lot of things to do. But it felt like there was something else happening there, and it kind of bothered me.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
After her husband died in 2016, she found herself back out on the dating scene. Her question on a date was, if your ex walked by right now with their new partner, what would you do? Which was her way of asking a much more interesting question, how fucked up was your last relationship?
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
I was shocked. This question is so clearly, how bad was your last breakup? Do I have anything to worry about? But something about turning it into a fun little icebreaker made these guys open up.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
With her now-husband, they met at a widow's support group. He talked about his loneliness and being a single parent. They kind of just got each other. And she knew the question, what would you do if your ex showed up, would not be right for this nice guy who had just lost his wife. She wasn't going to ask that. The last person I talked to was Jessica. She teaches ESL classes in Atlanta.
This American Life
823: The Question Trap
Ghosts. I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? Do you believe in ghosts? Here's how Jessica says it works.