The Kid Mero

Because this guy, this guy was, like, central casting Italian Staten Island guy.

Because this guy, this guy was, like, central casting Italian Staten Island guy.

I appealed to, like, you know, his machismo and shit. I was just like, yo, this broad is really hot, Ralph. You know, like, I'm trying to keep her in the mix, bro. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got to keep her around.

I appealed to, like, you know, his machismo and shit. I was just like, yo, this broad is really hot, Ralph. You know, like, I'm trying to keep her in the mix, bro. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got to keep her around.

And I Eurostep the whole, like, yo, you got to fill out paperwork and show that you know what you're doing. Nah, I just got walked right up into that motherfucker. Like, yo, here.

And I Eurostep the whole, like, yo, you got to fill out paperwork and show that you know what you're doing. Nah, I just got walked right up into that motherfucker. Like, yo, here.

I remember my first job was... to remove the hard drive from a tower. And it was like, yo, so-and-so on 38, their hard drive is fried, they need it replaced. Here's the new one, just go replace it. And I was like, all right, cool.

I remember my first job was... to remove the hard drive from a tower. And it was like, yo, so-and-so on 38, their hard drive is fried, they need it replaced. Here's the new one, just go replace it. And I was like, all right, cool.

I opened up that tower and I was like, I don't know what I am doing right now. I went back down and I asked one of the other guys. I was just like, yo, I was like, I want to replace this hard drive, but I'm like, I want to make sure that it's the right one. Like, I'm just bullshitting like crazy. Like, yo, is this the right... Like, did the specs line up right?

I opened up that tower and I was like, I don't know what I am doing right now. I went back down and I asked one of the other guys. I was just like, yo, I was like, I want to replace this hard drive, but I'm like, I want to make sure that it's the right one. Like, I'm just bullshitting like crazy. Like, yo, is this the right... Like, did the specs line up right?

And I'm like, listen, did he ask for this specifically? Because, you know, we want to make sure that the guys get the stuff that they're asking for. And so then now make this guy come up with me. I was like, yo, is this...

And I'm like, listen, did he ask for this specifically? Because, you know, we want to make sure that the guys get the stuff that they're asking for. And so then now make this guy come up with me. I was like, yo, is this...

Because I opened it up already and I'm like, bro, when I say that I'm just like word salad-ing my way through this, I'm just like, sir, so when you say your hard drive is fried, like it's burnt, like it's messed up. Like smoke is coming out of it. It's smoking? Did you see any sparks or any electricity or anything of that nature? I'm talking like I'm a fucking fire safety expert.

Because I opened it up already and I'm like, bro, when I say that I'm just like word salad-ing my way through this, I'm just like, sir, so when you say your hard drive is fried, like it's burnt, like it's messed up. Like smoke is coming out of it. It's smoking? Did you see any sparks or any electricity or anything of that nature? I'm talking like I'm a fucking fire safety expert.

Meanwhile, I'm just doing this so that the guy that I went from downstairs could just do the job. You know what I'm saying? So he, the other kid does it, puts the hard drive in, boop, boop, boop. I just put the screws on the tower and close it back up. And I'm like, all right, job here is done.

Meanwhile, I'm just doing this so that the guy that I went from downstairs could just do the job. You know what I'm saying? So he, the other kid does it, puts the hard drive in, boop, boop, boop. I just put the screws on the tower and close it back up. And I'm like, all right, job here is done.

I'm like, good to go. You're good now, sir. So then I leave and I'm like, yo, Damn. I was like, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that again. You know what I mean? So then I'm like, all right, how do I finagle the bagel now? Like, how do I keep myself in here without having to do this again? Because this is high pressure, bro. That was a high wire act that I just did.

I'm like, good to go. You're good now, sir. So then I leave and I'm like, yo, Damn. I was like, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that again. You know what I mean? So then I'm like, all right, how do I finagle the bagel now? Like, how do I keep myself in here without having to do this again? Because this is high pressure, bro. That was a high wire act that I just did.

Maybe I'm going to mess something up and like, like you said, like, you know, press the wrong button and like crash the economy of Taiwan or some shit like by accident. So I was just like, all right, bro. Again, appealing to people's laziness. I was like, yeah, I don't like to write. So I will just fill out all these work orders. Because back then it was like, everything was paper.

Maybe I'm going to mess something up and like, like you said, like, you know, press the wrong button and like crash the economy of Taiwan or some shit like by accident. So I was just like, all right, bro. Again, appealing to people's laziness. I was like, yeah, I don't like to write. So I will just fill out all these work orders. Because back then it was like, everything was paper.

You give like the pink copy to Ralph, you give the yellow copy to so-and-so, you give the blue copy to this person, then you file away the other copy.

You give like the pink copy to Ralph, you give the yellow copy to so-and-so, you give the blue copy to this person, then you file away the other copy.

So I made that my job. Every time a guy had to go upstairs and fix a thing, I'd be like, yo, yo, yo, they want me to go up to 36 and, yo, Mr. Wong, two of his monitors are on the fritz, bro, but I ain't really trying to do all that, man. I'm high as fuck. Like, I don't want them to see me high as shit. So if you, I'll do the paperwork, because I know you hate the paperwork.

So I made that my job. Every time a guy had to go upstairs and fix a thing, I'd be like, yo, yo, yo, they want me to go up to 36 and, yo, Mr. Wong, two of his monitors are on the fritz, bro, but I ain't really trying to do all that, man. I'm high as fuck. Like, I don't want them to see me high as shit. So if you, I'll do the paperwork, because I know you hate the paperwork.

So, like, I just did that, bro, for, like, my entire Lehman Brothers career until the last Christmas party.

So, like, I just did that, bro, for, like, my entire Lehman Brothers career until the last Christmas party.

And I'm doing this shit all wrong. I'm writing names, bro. I'm fucking high as fuck. I'm just like, yo, yeah, Captain Crunch on 38. You fix his monitor. Yeah, no doubt.

And I'm doing this shit all wrong. I'm writing names, bro. I'm fucking high as fuck. I'm just like, yo, yeah, Captain Crunch on 38. You fix his monitor. Yeah, no doubt.

Wait until you see that EMP cannon I put on his hard drive expediter. You know what I'm saying? At a certain point, I started telling the guys like one by one being like, I'm not going to say their names out because I don't know what they do. Like, I don't know.

Wait until you see that EMP cannon I put on his hard drive expediter. You know what I'm saying? At a certain point, I started telling the guys like one by one being like, I'm not going to say their names out because I don't know what they do. Like, I don't know.

But somewhere. Merrill Lynch, you know what I mean? In the same building. So like one by one, I started telling these guys like, yo, listen, bro, I'll be keeping real with you. Like, I know you smoke weed. I'll give you weed. You know what I'm saying? If you just don't tell nobody that, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. You know what I mean?

But somewhere. Merrill Lynch, you know what I mean? In the same building. So like one by one, I started telling these guys like, yo, listen, bro, I'll be keeping real with you. Like, I know you smoke weed. I'll give you weed. You know what I'm saying? If you just don't tell nobody that, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. You know what I mean?

So for two years, Brian, I did this shit for two years. Two years. Two years, dog. Before you get caught.

So for two years, Brian, I did this shit for two years. Two years. Two years, dog. Before you get caught.

Dog, listen, if I was a check fraud type of motherfucker, dog, the type of checks that were flowing through, dog, I saw checks that were just lost. There was like a box of mail that was just like, yo, mail that we don't know. Like, it's like they fucked up the name. They messed up the address. Like, we got to figure out where this goes. you know, standard mailroom shit.

Dog, listen, if I was a check fraud type of motherfucker, dog, the type of checks that were flowing through, dog, I saw checks that were just lost. There was like a box of mail that was just like, yo, mail that we don't know. Like, it's like they fucked up the name. They messed up the address. Like, we got to figure out where this goes. you know, standard mailroom shit.

Dog! It's like a... It's like a... Dog, it's like a... The deed to Saudi Arabia. You know what I'm saying? Like... Like, what the fuck is this? Like, I'm opening this shit up because I have... Now I'm like, I gotta open this up. Like, you know what I mean? Like...

Dog! It's like a... It's like a... Dog, it's like a... The deed to Saudi Arabia. You know what I'm saying? Like... Like, what the fuck is this? Like, I'm opening this shit up because I have... Now I'm like, I gotta open this up. Like, you know what I mean? Like...

on like under the auspices of like yo we don't know what this is it could be anthrax we got to check it blah blah blah right right opening it and seeing a check for like eight and a half million dollars you know what i mean i'm like who sends a check for that amount of money would you like carry that over at least like you're putting that in the mail dog like it's insane that just shows like

on like under the auspices of like yo we don't know what this is it could be anthrax we got to check it blah blah blah right right opening it and seeing a check for like eight and a half million dollars you know what i mean i'm like who sends a check for that amount of money would you like carry that over at least like you're putting that in the mail dog like it's insane that just shows like

The amount of like money and like fucking around that was going on in this place. Dog, I went to the Christmas party and I think I sold half a brick in this Christmas party.

The amount of like money and like fucking around that was going on in this place. Dog, I went to the Christmas party and I think I sold half a brick in this Christmas party.

like they would there was no spouses allowed there was no plus ones bro this is a different era like this is full wolf of wall street full full full everybody's doing blow in the bathrooms there's mad sex workers in there it's just mayhem and i'm this is young marrow i'm on the black i have a firearm in my house that's not legal and i'm looking at these people like yo y'all are crazy

like they would there was no spouses allowed there was no plus ones bro this is a different era like this is full wolf of wall street full full full everybody's doing blow in the bathrooms there's mad sex workers in there it's just mayhem and i'm this is young marrow i'm on the black i have a firearm in my house that's not legal and i'm looking at these people like yo y'all are crazy

Yo, they're bugging. You're just doing coke at the table?

Yo, they're bugging. You're just doing coke at the table?

And then 9-11 happened. So, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, silver lining? I don't have to lie anymore, dog. Like, they moved me to Jersey City, and I went back to the mailroom with a raise.

And then 9-11 happened. So, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, silver lining? I don't have to lie anymore, dog. Like, they moved me to Jersey City, and I went back to the mailroom with a raise.

Yo, it's crazy. It's fucked up. I'm like, yo, as a New Yorker, I'm like, yo, dog, you making 9-11 jokes. But, yo, 9-11 really saved my ass. It made me employable. It kept me employable.

Yo, it's crazy. It's fucked up. I'm like, yo, as a New Yorker, I'm like, yo, dog, you making 9-11 jokes. But, yo, 9-11 really saved my ass. It made me employable. It kept me employable.

Again, I am so lazy. That I came back September 9th. I'm chilling at home. My cousin, Carlos, is working there. And he's like, yo, when are you coming back, bro? Like, they're asking about you. And I'm like, yo, I'm coming back. I'm going to come back next week. Tell them I'm like, I got food poisoning or some shit.

Again, I am so lazy. That I came back September 9th. I'm chilling at home. My cousin, Carlos, is working there. And he's like, yo, when are you coming back, bro? Like, they're asking about you. And I'm like, yo, I'm coming back. I'm going to come back next week. Tell them I'm like, I got food poisoning or some shit.

I watched 9-11 like it was a fucking movie. From the roof of my building, smoking a blunt, like, holy shit. What the fuck is going on? And then my cousin called me, yo, you going to work? Yo, you at work? Yo, turn the TV on. I'm like, what? I'm like, ah, turn the TV on. And I'm like, oh.

I watched 9-11 like it was a fucking movie. From the roof of my building, smoking a blunt, like, holy shit. What the fuck is going on? And then my cousin called me, yo, you going to work? Yo, you at work? Yo, turn the TV on. I'm like, what? I'm like, ah, turn the TV on. And I'm like, oh.

what the f- and I immediately go to the roof of my building, and I'm in the Bronx, so I just see like a pillar of smoke, right? Like, I'm just looking downtown, I just see a pillar of smoke. I don't see nothing else. Then I run back down to my apartment, I'm watching the TV, I'm like, oh shit, like, what the fuck?

what the f- and I immediately go to the roof of my building, and I'm in the Bronx, so I just see like a pillar of smoke, right? Like, I'm just looking downtown, I just see a pillar of smoke. I don't see nothing else. Then I run back down to my apartment, I'm watching the TV, I'm like, oh shit, like, what the fuck?

At one moment, there's like a pause, and he's just like, yo, yo, you think we still got jobs, though? I was like, motherfucker! I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Do we still get a job? Do we still have a country? Now I'm high. I'm watching this smoke. I'm coming down. I'm seeing the news. I'm on the phone. I'm smoking weed. And it's, you know how weed goes.

At one moment, there's like a pause, and he's just like, yo, yo, you think we still got jobs, though? I was like, motherfucker! I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Do we still get a job? Do we still have a country? Now I'm high. I'm watching this smoke. I'm coming down. I'm seeing the news. I'm on the phone. I'm smoking weed. And it's, you know how weed goes.

It's like, it's either you're either chilling or now you're paranoid. Yeah. Now I'm paranoid. I'm just like, yo, what the fuck? Are they coming for me? Is this about the mailroom? Did I open the wrong Saudi Arabian package? What happened? Yo. Doug. My father said the most calming... This was a verbal Xanax. I called my pops. I was like, yo, I was like, yo, you saw this shit, bro.

It's like, it's either you're either chilling or now you're paranoid. Yeah. Now I'm paranoid. I'm just like, yo, what the fuck? Are they coming for me? Is this about the mailroom? Did I open the wrong Saudi Arabian package? What happened? Yo. Doug. My father said the most calming... This was a verbal Xanax. I called my pops. I was like, yo, I was like, yo, you saw this shit, bro.

Like, yo, they bombed the fucking thing. Yo, they flew a plane into the shit. Yo, I was like, yo, I'm in the Bronx. And he's just like, papi, calm down. I said, no, we calm down, bro.

Like, yo, they bombed the fucking thing. Yo, they flew a plane into the shit. Yo, I was like, yo, I'm in the Bronx. And he's just like, papi, calm down. I said, no, we calm down, bro.

He's like, papi, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Nobody going to bomb in the Bronx, Papa.

He's like, papi, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Nobody going to bomb in the Bronx, Papa.

Trate tranquilo. The Bronx, nobody want to, who going to, what the fuck they want to blow in the Bronx? The Bronx who? I was like, nah, you're right, Dad. You're right.

Trate tranquilo. The Bronx, nobody want to, who going to, what the fuck they want to blow in the Bronx? The Bronx who? I was like, nah, you're right, Dad. You're right.

Safest place in America on 9-11 was the fucking, was the Bronx. I was like, yo, you know what, Dad? You're absolutely fucking right. Let me put a lawn chair out in front of the building and smoke the rest of this blunt.

Safest place in America on 9-11 was the fucking, was the Bronx. I was like, yo, you know what, Dad? You're absolutely fucking right. Let me put a lawn chair out in front of the building and smoke the rest of this blunt.

Yes! It was like, that fellow Carmelo Anthony signed up with the Knicks.

Yes! It was like, that fellow Carmelo Anthony signed up with the Knicks.

They'd be like, yo, let's go out after work. And I'm like, yo, y'all are making $150, $250, $350. I'm making $35 a year. All right? Like, I can't pick up the tab, okay? And I'm not a drinker like that. I'm a smoker. So, like, why am I going to Moran's with you guys after work? Fuck that.

They'd be like, yo, let's go out after work. And I'm like, yo, y'all are making $150, $250, $350. I'm making $35 a year. All right? Like, I can't pick up the tab, okay? And I'm not a drinker like that. I'm a smoker. So, like, why am I going to Moran's with you guys after work? Fuck that.

I'm just going to hang out on the block with my friends, take my shirt off, and drink some Paul Masson in front of the building.

I'm just going to hang out on the block with my friends, take my shirt off, and drink some Paul Masson in front of the building.

And then like you see like the upper level guys, like the C-suite guys, and like you go up there and it's like, dog, why do you have a $15,000 pen? That doesn't even make sense. Why do you have a Mickey Mantle baseball, you know, that you retrofitted to hang in a disco ball that you paid $150,000? Like, it's just, I just saw money, like, just flying out the window all over the place.

And then like you see like the upper level guys, like the C-suite guys, and like you go up there and it's like, dog, why do you have a $15,000 pen? That doesn't even make sense. Why do you have a Mickey Mantle baseball, you know, that you retrofitted to hang in a disco ball that you paid $150,000? Like, it's just, I just saw money, like, just flying out the window all over the place.

And I was like, nah, man. I was like, I don't know about finance like that, but I do know how to sell an eight ball, dog. And I like, I know something's up here. This is not sustainable.

And I was like, nah, man. I was like, I don't know about finance like that, but I do know how to sell an eight ball, dog. And I like, I know something's up here. This is not sustainable.

That was it. I didn't even, like, I didn't know it to that extent. I just knew something.

That was it. I didn't even, like, I didn't know it to that extent. I just knew something.

And that was it. I was just like, yeah, that's why there's so many of y'all up here. Because y'all just telling each other lies. And the next guy's lie has to be better.

And that was it. I was just like, yeah, that's why there's so many of y'all up here. Because y'all just telling each other lies. And the next guy's lie has to be better.

I'm the guy with the gun and the coke. And I'm the most honest guy in the building. What the fuck is going on? What's wrong with this picture?

I'm the guy with the gun and the coke. And I'm the most honest guy in the building. What the fuck is going on? What's wrong with this picture?

I lighted my resume verbally to get a promotion. I started working at Lehman Brothers pre-9-11. This is a young Merrill. So I'm in the mailroom and I'm not making any money. And I was like, yo, there's an opening in the IT department. Young Merrill knows how to use computers to download pornography and use LimeWire. Young Merrill does not know how to fix a broken monitor.

I lighted my resume verbally to get a promotion. I started working at Lehman Brothers pre-9-11. This is a young Merrill. So I'm in the mailroom and I'm not making any money. And I was like, yo, there's an opening in the IT department. Young Merrill knows how to use computers to download pornography and use LimeWire. Young Merrill does not know how to fix a broken monitor.

But young Merrill pretended that he did and lied his ass off and got that job. and finesse for like another two years, bro, not knowing how to do nothing.

But young Merrill pretended that he did and lied his ass off and got that job. and finesse for like another two years, bro, not knowing how to do nothing.

Just terrify these people and get them so scared that not only would they give me the cash, they would give me their terror. It made me feel strong. All I know is we're f***ing helpless. All I know is anarchy. All I know is chaos. I just leaned into that.

Just terrify these people and get them so scared that not only would they give me the cash, they would give me their terror. It made me feel strong. All I know is we're f***ing helpless. All I know is anarchy. All I know is chaos. I just leaned into that.

Young audience, Lehman Brothers is a cautionary tale of greed and excess. And what happens when you have a cafeteria that does egg dip waffles and charges nobody anything? And then you just have tons of spring water and everybody's taking smoke breaks and you're just hemorrhaging money because you're just playing with money.

Young audience, Lehman Brothers is a cautionary tale of greed and excess. And what happens when you have a cafeteria that does egg dip waffles and charges nobody anything? And then you just have tons of spring water and everybody's taking smoke breaks and you're just hemorrhaging money because you're just playing with money.

They did what these companies do. They play with your money. And everybody knows what happened. Shit went left, and they got left.

They did what these companies do. They play with your money. And everybody knows what happened. Shit went left, and they got left.

I was on the New York Donut chat line, and I just put my elbow on the keyboard by accident, and I started the mortgage crisis. Sorry, guys.

I was on the New York Donut chat line, and I just put my elbow on the keyboard by accident, and I started the mortgage crisis. Sorry, guys.

I had no experience doing anything corporate or like office jobby at all. I had done like retail stuff, been outside, you know, you know what I'm saying? Little street pharmaceutical, you know what I'm saying? Like that type of situation. And I lied.

I had no experience doing anything corporate or like office jobby at all. I had done like retail stuff, been outside, you know, you know what I'm saying? Little street pharmaceutical, you know what I'm saying? Like that type of situation. And I lied.

And he was like, why isn't it on your resume? And I was like, I forgot to put it there. But I worked at FedEx for like five years. By the way, I was like 17. So how the fuck did I work at FedEx for five years?

And he was like, why isn't it on your resume? And I was like, I forgot to put it there. But I worked at FedEx for like five years. By the way, I was like 17. So how the fuck did I work at FedEx for five years?

You know what I'm saying? I'm over here lying my ass off. I don't know if the guy cared, but apparently he did it because he hired me. Shout out to Jose.

You know what I'm saying? I'm over here lying my ass off. I don't know if the guy cared, but apparently he did it because he hired me. Shout out to Jose.

I lied and I said that I was like, yo, I'm familiar with like logistics. I know how to do mail stuff, blah, blah, blah. I know how to use a Pitney Bowes machine. You know what I mean? Like all of it was capped. Like I was capping about everything. It was not true at all. And then I get in there and I'm like, just kind of learning on the fly.

I lied and I said that I was like, yo, I'm familiar with like logistics. I know how to do mail stuff, blah, blah, blah. I know how to use a Pitney Bowes machine. You know what I mean? Like all of it was capped. Like I was capping about everything. It was not true at all. And then I get in there and I'm like, just kind of learning on the fly.

Cause there was a guy there named Martin who was like a super coke head, bro. Like he used to be up there 6.30 AM, like just hitting the slopes. And I'm just like, yo, Martin. How do you use the Pitney Bowles machine? And he's just like, yo, let me show you. Yo, you press this button right here, and then you do the postage.

Cause there was a guy there named Martin who was like a super coke head, bro. Like he used to be up there 6.30 AM, like just hitting the slopes. And I'm just like, yo, Martin. How do you use the Pitney Bowles machine? And he's just like, yo, let me show you. Yo, you press this button right here, and then you do the postage.

You weigh it right here, and then you hit the postage button, and then it prints out the postage.

You weigh it right here, and then you hit the postage button, and then it prints out the postage.

I know that you sit in front of six monitors all day. I have never seen you do anything except drink coffee and look at those monitors. This is why the financial crisis happened because nobody knows what you guys are doing except you. Half of you are like embezzling funds. The other half of you are playing Angry Birds. So I got the job. I get in there. I start finessing. I get in good with Martin.

I know that you sit in front of six monitors all day. I have never seen you do anything except drink coffee and look at those monitors. This is why the financial crisis happened because nobody knows what you guys are doing except you. Half of you are like embezzling funds. The other half of you are playing Angry Birds. So I got the job. I get in there. I start finessing. I get in good with Martin.

And Jose, who is, again, like, the child of my mom's friend. So, like, it was like, yo, I'm gonna take it easy on you. Like, I'm gonna let you make mistakes.

And Jose, who is, again, like, the child of my mom's friend. So, like, it was like, yo, I'm gonna take it easy on you. Like, I'm gonna let you make mistakes.

Again, like, just literally learning on the fly, fucking a lot of stuff up, like, sending a lot of stuff to the wrong people and just, like, getting to cook because of the relationship I have with Jose, who's a friend of the family.

Again, like, just literally learning on the fly, fucking a lot of stuff up, like, sending a lot of stuff to the wrong people and just, like, getting to cook because of the relationship I have with Jose, who's a friend of the family.

The more I tell this story, the more I feel like this sounds like jail. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm trading cigarettes for information. Like, yo, how do I use the printer? Like, yo, here's two cigarettes, Newport 100s.

The more I tell this story, the more I feel like this sounds like jail. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm trading cigarettes for information. Like, yo, how do I use the printer? Like, yo, here's two cigarettes, Newport 100s.

So now my new boss is Ralph, who doesn't care about anything except his smoke breaks. He's like textbook Staten Island guy. So now I'm like, okay, now I got to get out of here because Jose's not here to hold me down. Martin's not enough. Like I got it. And I have greater ambitions. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm trying to move up in Lehman Brothers.

So now my new boss is Ralph, who doesn't care about anything except his smoke breaks. He's like textbook Staten Island guy. So now I'm like, okay, now I got to get out of here because Jose's not here to hold me down. Martin's not enough. Like I got it. And I have greater ambitions. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm trying to move up in Lehman Brothers.

Like, you know, I'm trying to be embezzling funds soon. You got to get six monitors. Yeah. Like I only got one. I'm trying to get up to like at least three. Let me get three at least. So I'm like, all right, what's the fastest way to do that? Just look at what is opening up. Like, where do they need people? Like, where do they need help? So there was always something opening up.

Like, you know, I'm trying to be embezzling funds soon. You got to get six monitors. Yeah. Like I only got one. I'm trying to get up to like at least three. Let me get three at least. So I'm like, all right, what's the fastest way to do that? Just look at what is opening up. Like, where do they need people? Like, where do they need help? So there was always something opening up.

The turnover there was crazy. Like, there was people there that were there for 50 years, and there was people that were there for five minutes.

The turnover there was crazy. Like, there was people there that were there for 50 years, and there was people that were there for five minutes.

The first thing that I see that opens up is in the IT department. Like, yo, my router is busted. My hard drive is fried, whatever. Like, just straight computer tech stuff.

The first thing that I see that opens up is in the IT department. Like, yo, my router is busted. My hard drive is fried, whatever. Like, just straight computer tech stuff.

I'm not trying to do no more work. Like, I just cruise by here. Like, you know what I'm saying? I clock in, I clock out. I don't want to be over here changing paper and printers and shit and delivering water. I'm not trying to do none of that. Let Martin do all that. He's coked up. I don't want to do any of this. Martin's got the energy. Martin's on go. Martin is on go all day.

I'm not trying to do no more work. Like, I just cruise by here. Like, you know what I'm saying? I clock in, I clock out. I don't want to be over here changing paper and printers and shit and delivering water. I'm not trying to do none of that. Let Martin do all that. He's coked up. I don't want to do any of this. Martin's got the energy. Martin's on go. Martin is on go all day.

I'm trying to just chill here and like talk to girls on the phone.

I'm trying to just chill here and like talk to girls on the phone.

Like, my girlfriend had come in, like, to pick me up from work, like, twice. And she was, at the time, like, she was back, you know what I'm saying? So, like, I'm telling the ref, I'm like, yo, you see how bad she is, bro? Like, I'm trying to keep this job, bro. I'm trying to impress this girl, you know what I mean? Like, I gotta, and that appealed to his, like, you know what I mean?

Like, my girlfriend had come in, like, to pick me up from work, like, twice. And she was, at the time, like, she was back, you know what I'm saying? So, like, I'm telling the ref, I'm like, yo, you see how bad she is, bro? Like, I'm trying to keep this job, bro. I'm trying to impress this girl, you know what I mean? Like, I gotta, and that appealed to his, like, you know what I mean?

Because this guy, this guy was, like, central casting Italian Staten Island guy.

I appealed to, like, you know, his machismo and shit. I was just like, yo, this broad is really hot, Ralph. You know, like, I'm trying to keep her in the mix, bro. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got to keep her around.

And I Eurostep the whole, like, yo, you got to fill out paperwork and show that you know what you're doing. Nah, I just got walked right up into that motherfucker. Like, yo, here.

I remember my first job was... to remove the hard drive from a tower. And it was like, yo, so-and-so on 38, their hard drive is fried, they need it replaced. Here's the new one, just go replace it. And I was like, all right, cool.

I opened up that tower and I was like, I don't know what I am doing right now. I went back down and I asked one of the other guys. I was just like, yo, I was like, I want to replace this hard drive, but I'm like, I want to make sure that it's the right one. Like, I'm just bullshitting like crazy. Like, yo, is this the right... Like, did the specs line up right?

And I'm like, listen, did he ask for this specifically? Because, you know, we want to make sure that the guys get the stuff that they're asking for. And so then now make this guy come up with me. I was like, yo, is this...

Because I opened it up already and I'm like, bro, when I say that I'm just like word salad-ing my way through this, I'm just like, sir, so when you say your hard drive is fried, like it's burnt, like it's messed up. Like smoke is coming out of it. It's smoking? Did you see any sparks or any electricity or anything of that nature? I'm talking like I'm a fucking fire safety expert.

Meanwhile, I'm just doing this so that the guy that I went from downstairs could just do the job. You know what I'm saying? So he, the other kid does it, puts the hard drive in, boop, boop, boop. I just put the screws on the tower and close it back up. And I'm like, all right, job here is done.

I'm like, good to go. You're good now, sir. So then I leave and I'm like, yo, Damn. I was like, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that again. You know what I mean? So then I'm like, all right, how do I finagle the bagel now? Like, how do I keep myself in here without having to do this again? Because this is high pressure, bro. That was a high wire act that I just did.

Maybe I'm going to mess something up and like, like you said, like, you know, press the wrong button and like crash the economy of Taiwan or some shit like by accident. So I was just like, all right, bro. Again, appealing to people's laziness. I was like, yeah, I don't like to write. So I will just fill out all these work orders. Because back then it was like, everything was paper.

You give like the pink copy to Ralph, you give the yellow copy to so-and-so, you give the blue copy to this person, then you file away the other copy.

So I made that my job. Every time a guy had to go upstairs and fix a thing, I'd be like, yo, yo, yo, they want me to go up to 36 and, yo, Mr. Wong, two of his monitors are on the fritz, bro, but I ain't really trying to do all that, man. I'm high as fuck. Like, I don't want them to see me high as shit. So if you, I'll do the paperwork, because I know you hate the paperwork.

So, like, I just did that, bro, for, like, my entire Lehman Brothers career until the last Christmas party.

And I'm doing this shit all wrong. I'm writing names, bro. I'm fucking high as fuck. I'm just like, yo, yeah, Captain Crunch on 38. You fix his monitor. Yeah, no doubt.

Wait until you see that EMP cannon I put on his hard drive expediter. You know what I'm saying? At a certain point, I started telling the guys like one by one being like, I'm not going to say their names out because I don't know what they do. Like, I don't know.

But somewhere. Merrill Lynch, you know what I mean? In the same building. So like one by one, I started telling these guys like, yo, listen, bro, I'll be keeping real with you. Like, I know you smoke weed. I'll give you weed. You know what I'm saying? If you just don't tell nobody that, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here. You know what I mean?

So for two years, Brian, I did this shit for two years. Two years. Two years, dog. Before you get caught.

Dog, listen, if I was a check fraud type of motherfucker, dog, the type of checks that were flowing through, dog, I saw checks that were just lost. There was like a box of mail that was just like, yo, mail that we don't know. Like, it's like they fucked up the name. They messed up the address. Like, we got to figure out where this goes. you know, standard mailroom shit.

Dog! It's like a... It's like a... Dog, it's like a... The deed to Saudi Arabia. You know what I'm saying? Like... Like, what the fuck is this? Like, I'm opening this shit up because I have... Now I'm like, I gotta open this up. Like, you know what I mean? Like...

on like under the auspices of like yo we don't know what this is it could be anthrax we got to check it blah blah blah right right opening it and seeing a check for like eight and a half million dollars you know what i mean i'm like who sends a check for that amount of money would you like carry that over at least like you're putting that in the mail dog like it's insane that just shows like

The amount of like money and like fucking around that was going on in this place. Dog, I went to the Christmas party and I think I sold half a brick in this Christmas party.

like they would there was no spouses allowed there was no plus ones bro this is a different era like this is full wolf of wall street full full full everybody's doing blow in the bathrooms there's mad sex workers in there it's just mayhem and i'm this is young marrow i'm on the black i have a firearm in my house that's not legal and i'm looking at these people like yo y'all are crazy

Yo, they're bugging. You're just doing coke at the table?

And then 9-11 happened. So, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, silver lining? I don't have to lie anymore, dog. Like, they moved me to Jersey City, and I went back to the mailroom with a raise.

Yo, it's crazy. It's fucked up. I'm like, yo, as a New Yorker, I'm like, yo, dog, you making 9-11 jokes. But, yo, 9-11 really saved my ass. It made me employable. It kept me employable.

Again, I am so lazy. That I came back September 9th. I'm chilling at home. My cousin, Carlos, is working there. And he's like, yo, when are you coming back, bro? Like, they're asking about you. And I'm like, yo, I'm coming back. I'm going to come back next week. Tell them I'm like, I got food poisoning or some shit.

I watched 9-11 like it was a fucking movie. From the roof of my building, smoking a blunt, like, holy shit. What the fuck is going on? And then my cousin called me, yo, you going to work? Yo, you at work? Yo, turn the TV on. I'm like, what? I'm like, ah, turn the TV on. And I'm like, oh.

what the f- and I immediately go to the roof of my building, and I'm in the Bronx, so I just see like a pillar of smoke, right? Like, I'm just looking downtown, I just see a pillar of smoke. I don't see nothing else. Then I run back down to my apartment, I'm watching the TV, I'm like, oh shit, like, what the fuck?

At one moment, there's like a pause, and he's just like, yo, yo, you think we still got jobs, though? I was like, motherfucker! I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Do we still get a job? Do we still have a country? Now I'm high. I'm watching this smoke. I'm coming down. I'm seeing the news. I'm on the phone. I'm smoking weed. And it's, you know how weed goes.

It's like, it's either you're either chilling or now you're paranoid. Yeah. Now I'm paranoid. I'm just like, yo, what the fuck? Are they coming for me? Is this about the mailroom? Did I open the wrong Saudi Arabian package? What happened? Yo. Doug. My father said the most calming... This was a verbal Xanax. I called my pops. I was like, yo, I was like, yo, you saw this shit, bro.

Like, yo, they bombed the fucking thing. Yo, they flew a plane into the shit. Yo, I was like, yo, I'm in the Bronx. And he's just like, papi, calm down. I said, no, we calm down, bro.

He's like, papi, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Nobody going to bomb in the Bronx, Papa.

Trate tranquilo. The Bronx, nobody want to, who going to, what the fuck they want to blow in the Bronx? The Bronx who? I was like, nah, you're right, Dad. You're right.

Safest place in America on 9-11 was the fucking, was the Bronx. I was like, yo, you know what, Dad? You're absolutely fucking right. Let me put a lawn chair out in front of the building and smoke the rest of this blunt.

Yes! It was like, that fellow Carmelo Anthony signed up with the Knicks.

They'd be like, yo, let's go out after work. And I'm like, yo, y'all are making $150, $250, $350. I'm making $35 a year. All right? Like, I can't pick up the tab, okay? And I'm not a drinker like that. I'm a smoker. So, like, why am I going to Moran's with you guys after work? Fuck that.

I'm just going to hang out on the block with my friends, take my shirt off, and drink some Paul Masson in front of the building.

And then like you see like the upper level guys, like the C-suite guys, and like you go up there and it's like, dog, why do you have a $15,000 pen? That doesn't even make sense. Why do you have a Mickey Mantle baseball, you know, that you retrofitted to hang in a disco ball that you paid $150,000? Like, it's just, I just saw money, like, just flying out the window all over the place.

And I was like, nah, man. I was like, I don't know about finance like that, but I do know how to sell an eight ball, dog. And I like, I know something's up here. This is not sustainable.

That was it. I didn't even, like, I didn't know it to that extent. I just knew something.

And that was it. I was just like, yeah, that's why there's so many of y'all up here. Because y'all just telling each other lies. And the next guy's lie has to be better.

I'm the guy with the gun and the coke. And I'm the most honest guy in the building. What the fuck is going on? What's wrong with this picture?

I lighted my resume verbally to get a promotion. I started working at Lehman Brothers pre-9-11. This is a young Merrill. So I'm in the mailroom and I'm not making any money. And I was like, yo, there's an opening in the IT department. Young Merrill knows how to use computers to download pornography and use LimeWire. Young Merrill does not know how to fix a broken monitor.

But young Merrill pretended that he did and lied his ass off and got that job. and finesse for like another two years, bro, not knowing how to do nothing.

Just terrify these people and get them so scared that not only would they give me the cash, they would give me their terror. It made me feel strong. All I know is we're f***ing helpless. All I know is anarchy. All I know is chaos. I just leaned into that.

Young audience, Lehman Brothers is a cautionary tale of greed and excess. And what happens when you have a cafeteria that does egg dip waffles and charges nobody anything? And then you just have tons of spring water and everybody's taking smoke breaks and you're just hemorrhaging money because you're just playing with money.

They did what these companies do. They play with your money. And everybody knows what happened. Shit went left, and they got left.

I was on the New York Donut chat line, and I just put my elbow on the keyboard by accident, and I started the mortgage crisis. Sorry, guys.

I had no experience doing anything corporate or like office jobby at all. I had done like retail stuff, been outside, you know, you know what I'm saying? Little street pharmaceutical, you know what I'm saying? Like that type of situation. And I lied.

And he was like, why isn't it on your resume? And I was like, I forgot to put it there. But I worked at FedEx for like five years. By the way, I was like 17. So how the fuck did I work at FedEx for five years?

You know what I'm saying? I'm over here lying my ass off. I don't know if the guy cared, but apparently he did it because he hired me. Shout out to Jose.

I lied and I said that I was like, yo, I'm familiar with like logistics. I know how to do mail stuff, blah, blah, blah. I know how to use a Pitney Bowes machine. You know what I mean? Like all of it was capped. Like I was capping about everything. It was not true at all. And then I get in there and I'm like, just kind of learning on the fly.

Cause there was a guy there named Martin who was like a super coke head, bro. Like he used to be up there 6.30 AM, like just hitting the slopes. And I'm just like, yo, Martin. How do you use the Pitney Bowles machine? And he's just like, yo, let me show you. Yo, you press this button right here, and then you do the postage.

You weigh it right here, and then you hit the postage button, and then it prints out the postage.

I know that you sit in front of six monitors all day. I have never seen you do anything except drink coffee and look at those monitors. This is why the financial crisis happened because nobody knows what you guys are doing except you. Half of you are like embezzling funds. The other half of you are playing Angry Birds. So I got the job. I get in there. I start finessing. I get in good with Martin.

And Jose, who is, again, like, the child of my mom's friend. So, like, it was like, yo, I'm gonna take it easy on you. Like, I'm gonna let you make mistakes.

Again, like, just literally learning on the fly, fucking a lot of stuff up, like, sending a lot of stuff to the wrong people and just, like, getting to cook because of the relationship I have with Jose, who's a friend of the family.

The more I tell this story, the more I feel like this sounds like jail. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm trading cigarettes for information. Like, yo, how do I use the printer? Like, yo, here's two cigarettes, Newport 100s.

So now my new boss is Ralph, who doesn't care about anything except his smoke breaks. He's like textbook Staten Island guy. So now I'm like, okay, now I got to get out of here because Jose's not here to hold me down. Martin's not enough. Like I got it. And I have greater ambitions. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm trying to move up in Lehman Brothers.

Like, you know, I'm trying to be embezzling funds soon. You got to get six monitors. Yeah. Like I only got one. I'm trying to get up to like at least three. Let me get three at least. So I'm like, all right, what's the fastest way to do that? Just look at what is opening up. Like, where do they need people? Like, where do they need help? So there was always something opening up.

The turnover there was crazy. Like, there was people there that were there for 50 years, and there was people that were there for five minutes.

The first thing that I see that opens up is in the IT department. Like, yo, my router is busted. My hard drive is fried, whatever. Like, just straight computer tech stuff.

I'm not trying to do no more work. Like, I just cruise by here. Like, you know what I'm saying? I clock in, I clock out. I don't want to be over here changing paper and printers and shit and delivering water. I'm not trying to do none of that. Let Martin do all that. He's coked up. I don't want to do any of this. Martin's got the energy. Martin's on go. Martin is on go all day.

I'm trying to just chill here and like talk to girls on the phone.

Like, my girlfriend had come in, like, to pick me up from work, like, twice. And she was, at the time, like, she was back, you know what I'm saying? So, like, I'm telling the ref, I'm like, yo, you see how bad she is, bro? Like, I'm trying to keep this job, bro. I'm trying to impress this girl, you know what I mean? Like, I gotta, and that appealed to his, like, you know what I mean?