Susan Mweni
Appearances
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
I am the only girl in a family of six children. I'm seated across my mom in our tiny, partially-lit living area in Kibera, Nairobi, Kenya. and we were having one of our mother-daughter talks. I asked her, Mom, why do you have six children? And she said, because your father and I were looking for a baby girl. And I asked, Mom, why is it then that you never stopped after giving birth to me?
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
And she said, because children are a blessing from God, so we accept the number that God gives to us. And I said, well, mom, I have something that I want to tell you. This is hard for me to say, but I have to tell you. And I said, mom, I have no desire whatsoever to marry or have children. shocked and devastated, especially this coming from our only daughter.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
She asked, Mweni, why don't you wish to have children? And I said, Mom, it is my personal choice. I'm also taking care of my siblings, and the girls I work with in the community are equally my children. And I also want to enjoy my time independently and freely. She looked at me and said, Mweni, I hope you eventually change your mind, because as a woman, it is important to have your own children.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
Well, I am out of high school, and I jump straight into the dating pool, kissing a few frogs here and there. Of course, I am a woman. I might not desire the whole idea of marriage and having children, but the desire for companionship is there.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
During my escapades, I met my Prince Charming, my ideal type of a perfect man, stunning looks, amazing personality, great sense of humor and style, always including me in his plans, both present and future. the most patient, intentional and loving man. He'd buy me flowers, take me out on romantic dinner dates and vacation.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
And I remember this one Thursday he called and asked me, babe, what are your plans for the weekend? And I said, babe, you are my plan. And he said, okay, start packing. We'll be spending our weekend together at the coast. Excited, I reminded him, I will also pack the condoms, just in case he forgets. Days passed, weeks turned into months, and months into a year. Our love kept growing strong.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
He became my to-go person, my gossip mate and my best friend. But still, there was that anxiety and dilemma that I carried deep within me. And I'm thinking, if I tell him, will he end the relationship? Will he convince me to change my mind? Or will he love me for me? One year turned into two years. I still can't say it. Because I know we have different expectations.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
And my expectation will hurt him. Two years at this time, he had introduced me to his family. Mentions of moving in together and having children dominated most of his conversation. We are strolling around the busy market. He sees cute baby shoes and baby clothes. He says, babe, I can't wait to buy such for a baby. At the supermarket, he sees baby diapers.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
And he says, babe, I can't wait for the day we'll include baby diapers in our shopping list. I always found a way to avoid the subject. We're making love. He'll say, babe, I can't wait for the day we'll stop using the condoms. Well, I knew that time will never come. But still, I did not communicate. Not because I was questioning my decision, but because I didn't have the strength to tell him.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
And I knew it will hurt him. You know, marriage is our cultural norm. And as women, we are expected to marry and have children because it's a belief that is what defines us. Almost all my friends are married and they have children. And I feel alone in my desire. I've attended several baby showers and bridal showers.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
And every time they tell me, Susan, you should be the next one, I'm now feeling the pressure to conform, not only from my boyfriend, but also from the society. Four years down the line, I can't bring it up. I know at this time it will hurt, and it will hurt deep. One day, my phone rings. It was one of his close friends. I picked up the phone, and he said, Susan, I have exciting news for you.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
You know what? Your boyfriend is planning to propose to you on your birthday. This is a surprise. This is a secret. So act surprised when that time comes. Talk of fear and anger. Why would he want to propose? Determined not to let him go down on one knee, I started distancing myself from him.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
I cut off contact with him, and I did that hoping he'll give up on me and find a partner who aligns with his values. It was not easy for me as well. I felt lonely, and I was missing him, and at times, I wanted to call him. One month passed, and I thought, oh, my strategy has worked. Two months since my birthday passed, and I thought, oh, he's moved on.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
Three months later, on a chilly Sunday, I was relaxing in my house, listening to reggae music. I heard a knock at the door. I immediately paused the music, walked towards the door to see who it was. And to my surprise, it was him. For a moment, I froze, contemplating whether to let him in or not. I finally decided to let him in.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
He walked straight to the coach, sat down, and requested me to come sit beside him. He reached out for my right hand, held it with both his hands, and told me, babe, I don't know what I've done wrong. Babe, let's talk things out and go back to where we were. All this time, I'd not uttered a single word.
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
Looking straight into my eyes, he said, babe, I'm not leaving this place until you tell me what is going on. I told him, babe, I love you. I love you so much. I just didn't know how to say this to you, that I have no desire to marry or have children. In disbelief, And in tears on his face, he asked in a low but firm voice, why now? Why wait for that long?
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
Why hold such important information that you would have communicated from the start? Susan, you've broken me. I felt crushed and sorry for hurting him. He left until just recently when he reached out to me to inform me that he's in a relationship and he's happy. I'm so happy for him and as for me,
The Moth
The Moth Radio Hour: Rites of Passage
My stand on being child-free and marriage-free still remains, but I have decided that I will always communicate from the onset because I don't want to hurt another person the same way I hurt my Prince Charming. Thank you.