Suave (David Luis Suave Gonzalez)
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
I do not. give that title to everybody. Best friends.
I do not. give that title to everybody. Best friends.
There's really nothing to understand. I think that's the problem. You're trying to understand too much. There's nothing there to understand. I think so.
There's really nothing to understand. I think that's the problem. You're trying to understand too much. There's nothing there to understand. I think so.
He's talking about it's different. I don't see it that way.
He's talking about it's different. I don't see it that way.
I don't feel that I need to seek for help or advice from Maria all the time. I can do shit on my own. I can handle shit on my own. Serious. I don't need to share all my problems with Maria or with anybody else. That's not what I do. I process and deal with that shit on my own. Whether the results are good or bad. That's how it is.
I don't feel that I need to seek for help or advice from Maria all the time. I can do shit on my own. I can handle shit on my own. Serious. I don't need to share all my problems with Maria or with anybody else. That's not what I do. I process and deal with that shit on my own. Whether the results are good or bad. That's how it is.
Maria, I like to say that she's not a mother figure. But she come across as a mother figure sometimes. Sometimes you say shit that you don't want to hear. They are truth. But you're like, oh, I want to hear this shit right now. Can't tell her that. So what you do? I call her later on. Because I know when I call her later on, she's probably going to be in a meeting or something.
Maria, I like to say that she's not a mother figure. But she come across as a mother figure sometimes. Sometimes you say shit that you don't want to hear. They are truth. But you're like, oh, I want to hear this shit right now. Can't tell her that. So what you do? I call her later on. Because I know when I call her later on, she's probably going to be in a meeting or something.
And she's going to say, I can't talk to you right now. I only got five minutes. I know that. So, yeah, but sometimes I don't want to hear it. Several times you mentioned, oh, you got other people. I don't trust other people. Can we be associates? Yeah, why not? But you're not in my trust circle. That's where it's at. Maria feels some way I respect. I got it. I understand.
And she's going to say, I can't talk to you right now. I only got five minutes. I know that. So, yeah, but sometimes I don't want to hear it. Several times you mentioned, oh, you got other people. I don't trust other people. Can we be associates? Yeah, why not? But you're not in my trust circle. That's where it's at. Maria feels some way I respect. I got it. I understand.
I got to do better with that. I really got to do better with that because I do tend to shut down from everybody and hide out.
I got to do better with that. I really got to do better with that because I do tend to shut down from everybody and hide out.
People forget, man, I'm just getting out that bubble, that prison bubble that I was in for decades. And within that bubble is that one thing a lot of people in the prison fear. They forgot about me. Nobody knows me. Nobody answered my phone calls. Nobody, you know, that's something that I carry with me all the time. Like when in reality, it might not even be that way.
People forget, man, I'm just getting out that bubble, that prison bubble that I was in for decades. And within that bubble is that one thing a lot of people in the prison fear. They forgot about me. Nobody knows me. Nobody answered my phone calls. Nobody, you know, that's something that I carry with me all the time. Like when in reality, it might not even be that way.
When it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is. Because I come from a place where there is no friends.
When it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is. Because I come from a place where there is no friends.
First of all, I can't describe it because I don't know what friendship is. I really don't. I have a lot of people that I associate with, but when it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is because I come from a place where there is no friends.
First of all, I can't describe it because I don't know what friendship is. I really don't. I have a lot of people that I associate with, but when it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is because I come from a place where there is no friends.
What I will say is that I do have people that I carry in my heart. And I don't consider that friend.
What I will say is that I do have people that I carry in my heart. And I don't consider that friend.
Okay. So the obvious don't need answer, though.
Okay. So the obvious don't need answer, though.
I learned how to not take shit personal. I'm learning how to be a person in relationship, how to deal with relationship, how they really are in the real world. I like conflict. And when you bring that conflict into relationship, It's dangerous because you might miss out on something that could be good for you. It's just that I choose to hold on to that trauma for safety reasons.
I learned how to not take shit personal. I'm learning how to be a person in relationship, how to deal with relationship, how they really are in the real world. I like conflict. And when you bring that conflict into relationship, It's dangerous because you might miss out on something that could be good for you. It's just that I choose to hold on to that trauma for safety reasons.
I'm tired of running. I'm tired of running. It's too costly. It's too costly. I mean, because when you run... The problem with running is that you want to run into another problem. You're not running into a solution. You're running into somebody that just want to fuck with you for a couple of weeks and, you know, whatever. Now you're back with your boo and you got a problem with this here.
I'm tired of running. I'm tired of running. It's too costly. It's too costly. I mean, because when you run... The problem with running is that you want to run into another problem. You're not running into a solution. You're running into somebody that just want to fuck with you for a couple of weeks and, you know, whatever. Now you're back with your boo and you got a problem with this here.
Now you got to deal with this. You know, I ain't got time for that, man. I really don't. I really don't.
Now you got to deal with this. You know, I ain't got time for that, man. I really don't. I really don't.
I think I got a good life, good relationship. Lucero, what's up? When you gonna ask me to marry you, mama?
I think I got a good life, good relationship. Lucero, what's up? When you gonna ask me to marry you, mama?
I don't know. You gotta propose.
I don't know. You gotta propose.
Yeah, it could be, listen, it could be the candy ones. A ring pop? A ring pop, it could be that.
Yeah, it could be, listen, it could be the candy ones. A ring pop? A ring pop, it could be that.
Hey, Frank, what's going on, buddy? Not much, man.
Hey, Frank, what's going on, buddy? Not much, man.
There was hundreds, if not thousands of people in the DOC that he showed how to read and write, and I was one of them. You know, he always found a way, from every location in the jail, he always found a way to come to me. And now he's 90, and he still had that hope that I'm fighting, I'm trying to go home.
There was hundreds, if not thousands of people in the DOC that he showed how to read and write, and I was one of them. You know, he always found a way, from every location in the jail, he always found a way to come to me. And now he's 90, and he still had that hope that I'm fighting, I'm trying to go home.
Someone that's been in prison for decades It's going to take a long time to gain that trust. Because in the back of my mind, always going to be, if I ever get locked up, will you stick by me?
Someone that's been in prison for decades It's going to take a long time to gain that trust. Because in the back of my mind, always going to be, if I ever get locked up, will you stick by me?
Take full responsibility for my action. I checked that one out. Find me a good woman to marry her. I haven't done that yet.
Take full responsibility for my action. I checked that one out. Find me a good woman to marry her. I haven't done that yet.
A real good space. Relationship, wow, what's up Lucero?
A real good space. Relationship, wow, what's up Lucero?
I could have sex with a prison guard anytime I want and get away with it. It's exciting that you could have someone behind a soda machine in the visiting room and have some intercourse with them and don't get caught. I came home with the prison visiting room mentality. It was about, yeah, I just want to smash.
I could have sex with a prison guard anytime I want and get away with it. It's exciting that you could have someone behind a soda machine in the visiting room and have some intercourse with them and don't get caught. I came home with the prison visiting room mentality. It was about, yeah, I just want to smash.
And then you go after the woman that just want to be with dudes that come home from prison. Unfortunately, that's a whole lot of them. How much time you did? Oh, 31 years. You coming home with me tonight? Because in their head, it's some sexual fantasy shit going on. I just want some fun. And boom, that's not the way it goes in real life out here.
And then you go after the woman that just want to be with dudes that come home from prison. Unfortunately, that's a whole lot of them. How much time you did? Oh, 31 years. You coming home with me tonight? Because in their head, it's some sexual fantasy shit going on. I just want some fun. And boom, that's not the way it goes in real life out here.
Ladies want too much. They want you to call them when you get to work. What are you doing? When are you coming home? And that's what relationships and commitment feels like. That feels too much like prison to me. Being in a relationship is giving up part of your freedom. Am I willing to give my freedom up again because I'm searching for love? Man, fuck love.
Ladies want too much. They want you to call them when you get to work. What are you doing? When are you coming home? And that's what relationships and commitment feels like. That feels too much like prison to me. Being in a relationship is giving up part of your freedom. Am I willing to give my freedom up again because I'm searching for love? Man, fuck love.
If it comes to that, no, no, no, no, no, and no.
If it comes to that, no, no, no, no, no, and no.
I like conflict. That comes from me being in prison, being ready for whatever. And when you bring that conflict into relationship, it's dangerous because you might miss out on something that could be good for you, but you just got this thing going on in your head that you don't want to hear it.
I like conflict. That comes from me being in prison, being ready for whatever. And when you bring that conflict into relationship, it's dangerous because you might miss out on something that could be good for you, but you just got this thing going on in your head that you don't want to hear it.
Well, I hope so. I've been in the trauma unit for a while. A day and a half now.
Well, I hope so. I've been in the trauma unit for a while. A day and a half now.
I thought I was going to be all right.
I thought I was going to be all right.
They put me under this machine, and I felt like I was being strapped down.
They put me under this machine, and I felt like I was being strapped down.
So Maria called me like 7 o'clock in the morning. I didn't answer at first. She kept calling and calling and calling and calling. I was like, oh my God. Like she wouldn't stop calling. Let me talk to a doctor. I want to talk to the doctor. I'm like, there's no doctor here. That's too much. That is too much. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but that's too much.
So Maria called me like 7 o'clock in the morning. I didn't answer at first. She kept calling and calling and calling and calling. I was like, oh my God. Like she wouldn't stop calling. Let me talk to a doctor. I want to talk to the doctor. I'm like, there's no doctor here. That's too much. That is too much. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but that's too much.
They're the fucking same way. Are you being nice to the nurses? You got to be nice. Make sure you say this. Don't say it this way. I'm like, yo, yo, stop. Like, I told you before to go to the hospital. Why didn't you listen? Oh, my God. I'm like, oh, my God, stop. I was like, man, listen, go to bed. You're more stressed out than I am.
They're the fucking same way. Are you being nice to the nurses? You got to be nice. Make sure you say this. Don't say it this way. I'm like, yo, yo, stop. Like, I told you before to go to the hospital. Why didn't you listen? Oh, my God. I'm like, oh, my God, stop. I was like, man, listen, go to bed. You're more stressed out than I am.
I'm tired. Working. Back to working.
I'm tired. Working. Back to working.
I'm really, really focused on what it is that I'm doing and the mission.
I'm really, really focused on what it is that I'm doing and the mission.
We had no idea what it was going to be like. Just recording.
We had no idea what it was going to be like. Just recording.
Maria asked me this morning, why am I? What's up with the diet? I don't know if you noticed, my clothes is going down. I've been doing this for the last month now.
Maria asked me this morning, why am I? What's up with the diet? I don't know if you noticed, my clothes is going down. I've been doing this for the last month now.
Orchard Beach is no ghetto for me. They say, you know, it's a little bit over there.
Orchard Beach is no ghetto for me. They say, you know, it's a little bit over there.
For the last month, you know, I've been reluctant to, like, tell Maria, like, yo, I'm going through this. I already went through the process, doctor, all that shit.
For the last month, you know, I've been reluctant to, like, tell Maria, like, yo, I'm going through this. I already went through the process, doctor, all that shit.
I think this is what we set out to do. To give a life. And you know, it's long overdue.
I think this is what we set out to do. To give a life. And you know, it's long overdue.
Sometimes people come home from prison, we got resentment because we wasn't living up to the status quo in the prison system. We didn't have the big bag of commissary. We didn't have the color TV. And because our families didn't send us the money, so we resent that. Without understanding that there was out here living fucked up too. I don't come from a rich family.
Sometimes people come home from prison, we got resentment because we wasn't living up to the status quo in the prison system. We didn't have the big bag of commissary. We didn't have the color TV. And because our families didn't send us the money, so we resent that. Without understanding that there was out here living fucked up too. I don't come from a rich family.
There was out here struggling, still struggling. I wouldn't want nobody coming home saying, you didn't send me a dollar. I hate you for it. You know, like, bro, I forgot. I forgot your number. Or I had a family. I got to take care of the family first. Like, we don't want to hear that because in prison we live in a bubble, right? Right?
There was out here struggling, still struggling. I wouldn't want nobody coming home saying, you didn't send me a dollar. I hate you for it. You know, like, bro, I forgot. I forgot your number. Or I had a family. I got to take care of the family first. Like, we don't want to hear that because in prison we live in a bubble, right? Right?
And that bubble don't consist of me knowing that if that person got a job, if that person is sick, if that person have $10 to send me. Oh, for them $10 that person is sending me, what bill is not getting paid? Right?
And that bubble don't consist of me knowing that if that person got a job, if that person is sick, if that person have $10 to send me. Oh, for them $10 that person is sending me, what bill is not getting paid? Right?
You grow, you grow, you learn how to let that resentment go.
You grow, you grow, you learn how to let that resentment go.
I can't travel without permission. I can't move from one house to another house without asking permission.
I can't travel without permission. I can't move from one house to another house without asking permission.
Being in a relationship is giving up part of your freedom. Am I willing to give my freedom up again because I'm searching for love? Man, fuck love, if it comes to that.
Being in a relationship is giving up part of your freedom. Am I willing to give my freedom up again because I'm searching for love? Man, fuck love, if it comes to that.
I feel guilty that I left a lot of good men and women behind that deserved the same opportunities that I'm getting. And sometimes I feel like, dang, why can't it just be all of us?
I feel guilty that I left a lot of good men and women behind that deserved the same opportunities that I'm getting. And sometimes I feel like, dang, why can't it just be all of us?
He was having a mental breakdown. That's exactly what it was. Like, I was triggered to that point where it's like, man, I'm fucking you up. I'm going to go to jail. But I'm fucking you up.
He was having a mental breakdown. That's exactly what it was. Like, I was triggered to that point where it's like, man, I'm fucking you up. I'm going to go to jail. But I'm fucking you up.
We all got demons, Maria. Like, we all got demons. And them demons is what kept me alive in prison. But I'll tell you this, it's like, I try not to bring that person out, suppress, the person is suppressed, where I gotta harm somebody to protect myself. That person is still there. For years, we say, oh, you rehabilitated. Still the same people, we just make better decisions today.
We all got demons, Maria. Like, we all got demons. And them demons is what kept me alive in prison. But I'll tell you this, it's like, I try not to bring that person out, suppress, the person is suppressed, where I gotta harm somebody to protect myself. That person is still there. For years, we say, oh, you rehabilitated. Still the same people, we just make better decisions today.
Orchard Beach was the spot, Section 4. That's where my mom used to go sell bacalaito, pinchos, pastelillos, beer. That's where they did all the dance-offs. That's where the DJs came to do the music. That was like the hustle.
Orchard Beach was the spot, Section 4. That's where my mom used to go sell bacalaito, pinchos, pastelillos, beer. That's where they did all the dance-offs. That's where the DJs came to do the music. That was like the hustle.
It's my first time here, like, in 45 years. When I came here, I was a little kid. When I came here, I was, like, seven, right? Like, seven, eight. When my dad brought me here. Yeah, yeah.
It's my first time here, like, in 45 years. When I came here, I was a little kid. When I came here, I was, like, seven, right? Like, seven, eight. When my dad brought me here. Yeah, yeah.
Nope. I'm living day by day. That's it. Just to stay alive. I'm not putting that pressure on me no more. Like writing and looking at a list, like I gotta do this. Cause if I don't do this, I'm gonna feel like I failed. I'm not doing that. Nope. I'm at peace with myself. If I'm at peace with myself, everybody around me is safe. I know it's hard for people to get it like
Nope. I'm living day by day. That's it. Just to stay alive. I'm not putting that pressure on me no more. Like writing and looking at a list, like I gotta do this. Cause if I don't do this, I'm gonna feel like I failed. I'm not doing that. Nope. I'm at peace with myself. If I'm at peace with myself, everybody around me is safe. I know it's hard for people to get it like
What's important to me now is to get up in the morning, make sure I do what I said I was going to do, which is give my sister a kidney. So that requires me to leave all that other shit behind and focus on one thing, which is getting up and staying healthy. Staying alive.
What's important to me now is to get up in the morning, make sure I do what I said I was going to do, which is give my sister a kidney. So that requires me to leave all that other shit behind and focus on one thing, which is getting up and staying healthy. Staying alive.
Fulfill my duties. That ain't got nothing to do with me. All right, cool, peace. That's it. Peace. I'm not doing this to, you got to come back and love me. I'm not doing that shit for that.
Fulfill my duties. That ain't got nothing to do with me. All right, cool, peace. That's it. Peace. I'm not doing this to, you got to come back and love me. I'm not doing that shit for that.
Maria and Suave walk down the subway steps on the corner of 125th Street in Harlem.
Maria and Suave walk down the subway steps on the corner of 125th Street in Harlem.
I am not happy. I'm glad I'm home. But if you say describe happy, I should be able to describe happy. And I can't. I can't describe it because I'm not happy.
I am not happy. I'm glad I'm home. But if you say describe happy, I should be able to describe happy. And I can't. I can't describe it because I'm not happy.
It's not all. It's not a bouquet of roses. It's not. A lot of people think that freedom is you get out and you're free. You shouldn't complain about nothing. I went from one prison to another prison. What I learned from freedom is that it comes with a big price tag. You know, there's been time when I was like, shit. Shit.
It's not all. It's not a bouquet of roses. It's not. A lot of people think that freedom is you get out and you're free. You shouldn't complain about nothing. I went from one prison to another prison. What I learned from freedom is that it comes with a big price tag. You know, there's been time when I was like, shit. Shit.
I wish I was back in prison because I didn't have to deal with none of this shit. Prison, I was free. It was locked up, but I was mentally, I was free because I was like, I had to deal with this, this, that, that, that, that, that. At one time, I defined freedom as I could go here, I could travel there, I could buy this, and I could buy that. That's not fucking freedom.
I wish I was back in prison because I didn't have to deal with none of this shit. Prison, I was free. It was locked up, but I was mentally, I was free because I was like, I had to deal with this, this, that, that, that, that, that. At one time, I defined freedom as I could go here, I could travel there, I could buy this, and I could buy that. That's not fucking freedom.
That's just you going out and spending your fucking money in shit that don't matter. That's what that is. Freedom to me is where I could honestly just look you in the eyes and say, you know what? I had a great time. Like, I didn't have to hit gunshots. I didn't have to hit none of that shit. Right? I sold deer. I was free for that moment.
That's just you going out and spending your fucking money in shit that don't matter. That's what that is. Freedom to me is where I could honestly just look you in the eyes and say, you know what? I had a great time. Like, I didn't have to hit gunshots. I didn't have to hit none of that shit. Right? I sold deer. I was free for that moment.
Orchard Beach is where the concept of freedom started for me.
Orchard Beach is where the concept of freedom started for me.
I'm content with where I'm at in life. I think I got a good life.
I'm content with where I'm at in life. I think I got a good life.
It looked the same. Hamble quartz. I know how to get here. I ain't been here that long, but it don't change. Don't change. I can see my mother's table right there. My mom used to always park right here. Because we used to get here like six o'clock in the morning. Under this tree right here, this tree is two there. And we used to park there, put everything there, because it just blocked the sun.
It looked the same. Hamble quartz. I know how to get here. I ain't been here that long, but it don't change. Don't change. I can see my mother's table right there. My mom used to always park right here. Because we used to get here like six o'clock in the morning. Under this tree right here, this tree is two there. And we used to park there, put everything there, because it just blocked the sun.
And my mom used to put a table right here, and with her little grill selling patelillos, all that stuff. This is it.
And my mom used to put a table right here, and with her little grill selling patelillos, all that stuff. This is it.
You know, I never was a believer like the rest of my family, where they embody that stuff. To me, it was like, okay, if it works, it works. If it don't, psst. The rest of my family embody that. They live by them codes. You know, and that was like a highlight of a conversation or a prison visit. We got to take a picture. So every visit was like a new picture for the offering.
You know, I never was a believer like the rest of my family, where they embody that stuff. To me, it was like, okay, if it works, it works. If it don't, psst. The rest of my family embody that. They live by them codes. You know, and that was like a highlight of a conversation or a prison visit. We got to take a picture. So every visit was like a new picture for the offering.
I wonder how many of my pictures is in the bottom of this little thing here.
I wonder how many of my pictures is in the bottom of this little thing here.
Oh, that's exactly what it is. You get your hopes up, then it don't work. But did I believe in it? No, I really didn't. But do it works? Apparently it does.
Oh, that's exactly what it is. You get your hopes up, then it don't work. But did I believe in it? No, I really didn't. But do it works? Apparently it does.
But that's where he make the offerings at, right there.
But that's where he make the offerings at, right there.
I can live in nature. Living in nature is like being in solitary confinement. You hear shit that nobody else hears.
I can live in nature. Living in nature is like being in solitary confinement. You hear shit that nobody else hears.
It's a good spot. I would definitely come back and walk around it. I'm just not prepared to be in this water here. This water contains some of my photos, part of it. I might be stepping on myself.
It's a good spot. I would definitely come back and walk around it. I'm just not prepared to be in this water here. This water contains some of my photos, part of it. I might be stepping on myself.
Get tested. You get tested, you get tested. Can you pass the test?
Get tested. You get tested, you get tested. Can you pass the test?
Still friends. We're just not officially recording for a project. Still friends. I'm pretty sure Maria still got that little recorder she carried in her wallet. You know, that... Hold on, let me put the recorder on. It's just not the pressure of, we got a deadline, we got to do this. It's not that. It's just, let's record. It's almost like at the beginning. He's just recording.
Still friends. We're just not officially recording for a project. Still friends. I'm pretty sure Maria still got that little recorder she carried in her wallet. You know, that... Hold on, let me put the recorder on. It's just not the pressure of, we got a deadline, we got to do this. It's not that. It's just, let's record. It's almost like at the beginning. He's just recording.
It's Atlanta, man. I love it down here.
It's Atlanta, man. I love it down here.
We go through the door, and you, like, in this space... High Stage, Spaceship, Smoke, DJ. It was like going into an OutKast Rack video. For real, it was like being in a video. But then the crowd, the energy. It's like, whoa. I met my friend's friend. He's like, what's up, bro? You good? You with me? But I see the buzz in his waistline, like, I'm like, shit, everybody in here has a gun.
We go through the door, and you, like, in this space... High Stage, Spaceship, Smoke, DJ. It was like going into an OutKast Rack video. For real, it was like being in a video. But then the crowd, the energy. It's like, whoa. I met my friend's friend. He's like, what's up, bro? You good? You with me? But I see the buzz in his waistline, like, I'm like, shit, everybody in here has a gun.
Shit. Another day in this world. Five o'clock in the morning. Just getting up. Bella. Bella, I'm going to whip your ass, Bella.
Shit. Another day in this world. Five o'clock in the morning. Just getting up. Bella. Bella, I'm going to whip your ass, Bella.
If somebody bump into me, I got to be the one to bitch up and be like, oh, my bad. You know, because I'm probably the only one there not packing. You get loud with somebody in Atlanta, you might get shot. Seriously. So I'm like, no, I'm cool. I'm out. I don't like being in them places where I feel defenseless.
If somebody bump into me, I got to be the one to bitch up and be like, oh, my bad. You know, because I'm probably the only one there not packing. You get loud with somebody in Atlanta, you might get shot. Seriously. So I'm like, no, I'm cool. I'm out. I don't like being in them places where I feel defenseless.
Something jump off, dude. What was you even doing in that room?
Something jump off, dude. What was you even doing in that room?
You know, I'm not hanging with little Ray Ray and Rahim from down the block. I'm not. Now, when I came home, I wanted that. I wanted that 17 year old life. I wanted what I missed when I went to jail. Minus standing in the corner. But I like I like that shit. I like that smoke. I like I like that urban excitement where I could be in the corner and hit gunshots. But I'm not involved with it.
You know, I'm not hanging with little Ray Ray and Rahim from down the block. I'm not. Now, when I came home, I wanted that. I wanted that 17 year old life. I wanted what I missed when I went to jail. Minus standing in the corner. But I like I like that shit. I like that smoke. I like I like that urban excitement where I could be in the corner and hit gunshots. But I'm not involved with it.
But I like that shit. You know, I still do.
But I like that shit. You know, I still do.
Somebody might say, well, that's a dangerous game. They could violate you. Truth. Those are the consequences that come with you making certain actions, man. So I do a lot of stuff that I'm not supposed to do only because I want to feel human.
Somebody might say, well, that's a dangerous game. They could violate you. Truth. Those are the consequences that come with you making certain actions, man. So I do a lot of stuff that I'm not supposed to do only because I want to feel human.
A couple of days ago, my homie just came home.
A couple of days ago, my homie just came home.
Man, Bella just snuck in the bed and tucked in under my arms when I was sleeping, got hair all over my black sheets.
Man, Bella just snuck in the bed and tucked in under my arms when I was sleeping, got hair all over my black sheets.
This dude was like my brother. I got him a job. He told me straight up, I'm not going to work for them. No, you know, they're not paying me enough. And, you know, I left the conversation there because the guy was like my brother, right?
This dude was like my brother. I got him a job. He told me straight up, I'm not going to work for them. No, you know, they're not paying me enough. And, you know, I left the conversation there because the guy was like my brother, right?
But then I'm thinking, like, he had no restrictions. He had no parole. So he free to go anywhere he want to go. That's dangerous. Know why it's dangerous? Because he could say, I don't want to work no way.
But then I'm thinking, like, he had no restrictions. He had no parole. So he free to go anywhere he want to go. That's dangerous. Know why it's dangerous? Because he could say, I don't want to work no way.
See, but I keep telling you, I'm institutionalized. And what I mean by institutionalized, I do things in patterns, A, B, C. I can't do things with A and then C because I'm like, what happened to B? What was B? What I was supposed to do in B? That's because I'm institutionalized. When you're not on parole, you can say,
See, but I keep telling you, I'm institutionalized. And what I mean by institutionalized, I do things in patterns, A, B, C. I can't do things with A and then C because I'm like, what happened to B? What was B? What I was supposed to do in B? That's because I'm institutionalized. When you're not on parole, you can say,
I'm going to sleep all day, and then tomorrow, I'm going to go ahead and smoke some weed. I can't do that shit.
I'm going to sleep all day, and then tomorrow, I'm going to go ahead and smoke some weed. I can't do that shit.
Yeah, I probably would have been in a fucked up predicament because I like to do fucked up shit.
Yeah, I probably would have been in a fucked up predicament because I like to do fucked up shit.
No, it is. You have to be true with yourself.
No, it is. You have to be true with yourself.
No. No. No. I don't fear it.
No. No. No. I don't fear it.
I'll get her these little outfits. I think it's so cute. I don't think Bella understands she's a girl. So I'll put pink on her to let her know, like, look at yourself in the mirror. You are a girl, Bella.
I'll get her these little outfits. I think it's so cute. I don't think Bella understands she's a girl. So I'll put pink on her to let her know, like, look at yourself in the mirror. You are a girl, Bella.
I wouldn't say safer. I say it's more structured. That's fair to say. I gotta have structure. I can't be like free to go, just do what you see, what you think is best. It's not gonna work. It won't work for me. Because I know, and I really, I hate to say this on tape, man, but it's the truth. Like I know that if I didn't have that safety net up the rope, I don't know.
I wouldn't say safer. I say it's more structured. That's fair to say. I gotta have structure. I can't be like free to go, just do what you see, what you think is best. It's not gonna work. It won't work for me. Because I know, and I really, I hate to say this on tape, man, but it's the truth. Like I know that if I didn't have that safety net up the rope, I don't know.
I'll probably be in some other shit, man, because I'm real emotional and I like to act on those emotions. And I realize that. Nobody got to tell me that. So it's like a balance. It's like a balance. Like, we're keeping you safe, bro.
I'll probably be in some other shit, man, because I'm real emotional and I like to act on those emotions. And I realize that. Nobody got to tell me that. So it's like a balance. It's like a balance. Like, we're keeping you safe, bro.
When it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is. I come from a place where there is no friends.
When it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is. I come from a place where there is no friends.
No, no, I know. Because later on, they throw it in your face.
No, no, I know. Because later on, they throw it in your face.
He calls his apartment... A high-class prison cell. I don't need a whole lot. It's better than a house for me.
He calls his apartment... A high-class prison cell. I don't need a whole lot. It's better than a house for me.
Sometimes, and you know, I don't even tell people this, but sometimes I just take a sheet or quilt, put it on the floor and lay on the floor.
Sometimes, and you know, I don't even tell people this, but sometimes I just take a sheet or quilt, put it on the floor and lay on the floor.
In prison, you got to get up and the guard walk around and make sure you're physically there. They blow a bullhorn like 10 minutes before they come around. Count time, count time. That's what they would yell every morning. At home, it's almost the same thing. I get up, Bella and me are on time together.
In prison, you got to get up and the guard walk around and make sure you're physically there. They blow a bullhorn like 10 minutes before they come around. Count time, count time. That's what they would yell every morning. At home, it's almost the same thing. I get up, Bella and me are on time together.
Well, I appreciate the cannabis, right? But also I just want to make you aware and the whole team that if I do take some cannabis, whether it's medically or not, you are like saying we see you in about six months because that's like a direct violation for parole. Shit. Oh my God. I'm sorry.
Well, I appreciate the cannabis, right? But also I just want to make you aware and the whole team that if I do take some cannabis, whether it's medically or not, you are like saying we see you in about six months because that's like a direct violation for parole. Shit. Oh my God. I'm sorry.
And that means... Basically, you're still incarcerated. You're just serving your time out in society.
And that means... Basically, you're still incarcerated. You're just serving your time out in society.
I can't travel without permission. I can't move from one house to another house without asking permission. He really can't have any interaction with the police. I can't be around certain people. I can't go to certain establishments.
I can't travel without permission. I can't move from one house to another house without asking permission. He really can't have any interaction with the police. I can't be around certain people. I can't go to certain establishments.
I can't drink. I cannot smoke a little bit of weed or smoke me a Philly blunt.
I can't drink. I cannot smoke a little bit of weed or smoke me a Philly blunt.
Can't do that because if they take the urine and it come up hot, it's a violation.
Can't do that because if they take the urine and it come up hot, it's a violation.
You paying the parole board a monthly fee to supervise you.
You paying the parole board a monthly fee to supervise you.
Today is probably the first time I take my car down in six months. Out to a drive. I'm fucking nervous. I'm shaking. I get anxiety.
Today is probably the first time I take my car down in six months. Out to a drive. I'm fucking nervous. I'm shaking. I get anxiety.
For a lot of people, driving is something they look forward to doing. Not me. Not me. I hate fucking driving. I hate it. I don't know how to deal with my anxiety when I'm behind the wheel. My anxiety take over to the point where I just want to crash the car somewhere and stop and get out and leave it running. So I just don't drive. I just don't drive.
For a lot of people, driving is something they look forward to doing. Not me. Not me. I hate fucking driving. I hate it. I don't know how to deal with my anxiety when I'm behind the wheel. My anxiety take over to the point where I just want to crash the car somewhere and stop and get out and leave it running. So I just don't drive. I just don't drive.
I am really, really, really afraid to get stopped by the police. The minute they stop you and they find out you're on parole, you're getting handcuffed, now your car is getting searched. And if you don't report that traffic stop to parole, It's a violation of your conditions and they can lock you up.
I am really, really, really afraid to get stopped by the police. The minute they stop you and they find out you're on parole, you're getting handcuffed, now your car is getting searched. And if you don't report that traffic stop to parole, It's a violation of your conditions and they can lock you up.
We got a file for complete commutation from the pardon board.
We got a file for complete commutation from the pardon board.
It's almost like hitting the lottery. You got to have the attorney general's vote and then unanimous vote, basically, before it gets to the governor's office. And then he got to consider it. Like, not easy at all.
It's almost like hitting the lottery. You got to have the attorney general's vote and then unanimous vote, basically, before it gets to the governor's office. And then he got to consider it. Like, not easy at all.
I'm coming up on my seven years in November.
I'm coming up on my seven years in November.
Sometimes I do think that I was better off locked up. That's hard to say, but it's the truth. You know, it's the truth. And whoever been locked up 31 years or more and tell you otherwise, it's lying. They lying. I'm still living. I still live like I'm in prison. Like locked up. Like I'm in my fucking jail cell. You know, that's the scary part for me. Because I haven't been able to shake it off.
Sometimes I do think that I was better off locked up. That's hard to say, but it's the truth. You know, it's the truth. And whoever been locked up 31 years or more and tell you otherwise, it's lying. They lying. I'm still living. I still live like I'm in prison. Like locked up. Like I'm in my fucking jail cell. You know, that's the scary part for me. Because I haven't been able to shake it off.
Listen, I'm going to tell you, don't laugh at this, please. You can laugh.
Listen, I'm going to tell you, don't laugh at this, please. You can laugh.
So we started off singing karaoke with Hector Lavo, and we had a few drinks. Oh, no.
So we started off singing karaoke with Hector Lavo, and we had a few drinks. Oh, no.
And guess what song we end up singing? Menudo. Suete a mi modo.
And guess what song we end up singing? Menudo. Suete a mi modo.
And then she recorded me dancing to Marc Anthony. Dancing salsa? I was drunk.
And then she recorded me dancing to Marc Anthony. Dancing salsa? I was drunk.
I've never seen drunk Suave.
I've never seen drunk Suave.
I'm having two or three of my friends that we've done time with. You know, my friend said something to me. He was like, damn, we walked the prison yard together for decades. And now we're sitting in your backyard drinking beer and eating burnt hot dogs. And they taste good.
I'm having two or three of my friends that we've done time with. You know, my friend said something to me. He was like, damn, we walked the prison yard together for decades. And now we're sitting in your backyard drinking beer and eating burnt hot dogs. And they taste good.
I don't have the desire to meet with guys that I did 30, 40 years.
I don't have the desire to meet with guys that I did 30, 40 years.
But a lot of it has to do with, y'all not on parole. I'm on parole. It's like a reality check. Like, bro, you really not free, bro. You really not free. You just alone for the ride.
But a lot of it has to do with, y'all not on parole. I'm on parole. It's like a reality check. Like, bro, you really not free, bro. You really not free. You just alone for the ride.
Sometimes it feels like, wow, damn, man, I deserve that chance more than you. I get that feeling sometimes like, you got a chance and you ain't doing shit with it, man. I deserve that chance more than you.
Sometimes it feels like, wow, damn, man, I deserve that chance more than you. I get that feeling sometimes like, you got a chance and you ain't doing shit with it, man. I deserve that chance more than you.
Sometimes, if, oh man, why is I'm saying this on tape, man? But sometimes it just feels, it just feels like, damn, I'm fucking jealous. Like, the fuck?
Sometimes, if, oh man, why is I'm saying this on tape, man? But sometimes it just feels, it just feels like, damn, I'm fucking jealous. Like, the fuck?
So what's up with Maria? She texted me. I didn't catch that.
So what's up with Maria? She texted me. I didn't catch that.
I don't want to talk about that shit no more, man. I literally don't. You give all the offerings you want. Last time I was talking, it was a headache. Yeah, I remember. That's why I was wondering. You ain't going to apologize to me. I'm Maria. I ain't a horse. Nobody goats me. And I was like, all right, bye. Oh, man. Yeah. My mind is made up. Once this shit is over, I'm goats.
I don't want to talk about that shit no more, man. I literally don't. You give all the offerings you want. Last time I was talking, it was a headache. Yeah, I remember. That's why I was wondering. You ain't going to apologize to me. I'm Maria. I ain't a horse. Nobody goats me. And I was like, all right, bye. Oh, man. Yeah. My mind is made up. Once this shit is over, I'm goats.
Got other shit to do in life. I got other shit to do in life.
Got other shit to do in life. I got other shit to do in life.
Hey, what's up? How are you doing? I'm good.
Hey, what's up? How are you doing? I'm good.
Okay, so you got the dates, right, for Puerto Rico? Yeah, the ones you sent me. Yeah. Everything is set up down there. They're going to cook clothes and everything.
Okay, so you got the dates, right, for Puerto Rico? Yeah, the ones you sent me. Yeah. Everything is set up down there. They're going to cook clothes and everything.
I do. I have a big ego. Yeah. I can say that now because I'm more comfortable with it. I remember I had a conversation with Julieta about a year ago. And we was talking about, damn, everything good that happened always end up with some bad shit. I always feel guilty about it. And Julieta told me, man, man, listen, you have the right to be happy. I'm like, you know what?
I do. I have a big ego. Yeah. I can say that now because I'm more comfortable with it. I remember I had a conversation with Julieta about a year ago. And we was talking about, damn, everything good that happened always end up with some bad shit. I always feel guilty about it. And Julieta told me, man, man, listen, you have the right to be happy. I'm like, you know what?
I'm going to celebrate this. It'll be 20 years from now. You can't take that away. I don't care if it's 20 years, 30 years, we won. If I could inspire other young people to believe that they could do the same, why not?
I'm going to celebrate this. It'll be 20 years from now. You can't take that away. I don't care if it's 20 years, 30 years, we won. If I could inspire other young people to believe that they could do the same, why not?
You know, we're not talking about traditional students. We're talking about people that are still living in shelters. We talk about people that are basically homeless coming to school. So the school is a safe haven for them. They come to school early because they don't want to be in the streets.
You know, we're not talking about traditional students. We're talking about people that are still living in shelters. We talk about people that are basically homeless coming to school. So the school is a safe haven for them. They come to school early because they don't want to be in the streets.
Being surrounded by younger people They looking at me like a father figure. They do.
Being surrounded by younger people They looking at me like a father figure. They do.
You're saying that you sing like Usher, right? He said that. We can't be shy now. Are you ready?
You're saying that you sing like Usher, right? He said that. We can't be shy now. Are you ready?
I'm telling you, bro. I'm telling you, bro. You know how much ice cream you can sell out here, bro? You'd be rich selling ice cream out here versus being jailhouse. I'm rich in the yard.
I'm telling you, bro. I'm telling you, bro. You know how much ice cream you can sell out here, bro? You'd be rich selling ice cream out here versus being jailhouse. I'm rich in the yard.
And I'm going to leave it at that. I ain't going to preach to you no more.
And I'm going to leave it at that. I ain't going to preach to you no more.
All right, bro. Love you, bro. And you better call me again, bro. You better call me soon.
All right, bro. Love you, bro. And you better call me again, bro. You better call me soon.
I get phone calls every day, at least 20, 30 phone calls a day from prison. And, you know, guys that never seen a Pulitzer. Right. Calling me, telling about, man, you representing all of us. This is a win for all of us. And it is. When I get phone calls from politicians, you know, they want me to go speak because they're trying to pass a bill for for lifers.
I get phone calls every day, at least 20, 30 phone calls a day from prison. And, you know, guys that never seen a Pulitzer. Right. Calling me, telling about, man, you representing all of us. This is a win for all of us. And it is. When I get phone calls from politicians, you know, they want me to go speak because they're trying to pass a bill for for lifers.
And they think that I'm the poster child. I'm like, at first I used to get pissed off because I'm not a poster child. But now I've realized that like somebody has to be the voice. And this is what it means to being the voice for the voiceless. Bro, no matter how much you try to run from it, you are the voice for those that you left behind. And I'm not running from it. I'm embracing it.
And they think that I'm the poster child. I'm like, at first I used to get pissed off because I'm not a poster child. But now I've realized that like somebody has to be the voice. And this is what it means to being the voice for the voiceless. Bro, no matter how much you try to run from it, you are the voice for those that you left behind. And I'm not running from it. I'm embracing it.
I'm embracing it because I still got hope that them brothers and sisters are going to come home one day.
I'm embracing it because I still got hope that them brothers and sisters are going to come home one day.
I just feel sometimes that... Being free is not what everybody think it is. It's really not. And it's not really, everybody hype it up. Like, you're free. You can do whatever you want to do. All your pains and misery are gone. That's bullshit, man. My miseries and pains are just starting. Like, seriously, I never had this much misery and pain in my life when I was in prison. I didn't.
I just feel sometimes that... Being free is not what everybody think it is. It's really not. And it's not really, everybody hype it up. Like, you're free. You can do whatever you want to do. All your pains and misery are gone. That's bullshit, man. My miseries and pains are just starting. Like, seriously, I never had this much misery and pain in my life when I was in prison. I didn't.
I was shut out from the world. You know, cold. Shut everything down. And out here, you can't do that because you got people looking for you. You got people that want, they lean on you for their support, for their comfort. I don't want to live up to nobody's expectations and none of that. You know, I'm done with that. I am not happy. I'm glad I'm home. I'm glad about that.
I was shut out from the world. You know, cold. Shut everything down. And out here, you can't do that because you got people looking for you. You got people that want, they lean on you for their support, for their comfort. I don't want to live up to nobody's expectations and none of that. You know, I'm done with that. I am not happy. I'm glad I'm home. I'm glad about that.
But if you say describe happy, I should be able to describe happy. And I can't. I can't. I won't even know how to start to describe happy. Even with a Pulitzer, even what I can't describe it because I'm not.
But if you say describe happy, I should be able to describe happy. And I can't. I can't. I won't even know how to start to describe happy. Even with a Pulitzer, even what I can't describe it because I'm not.
You know, as much as I like to fake myself out and think that I'm ready to for this life, I wasn't ready. You know, I'm learning how to get through it. But I wasn't I wasn't ready. Nobody gave me a crash course like this is what's going to happen. You know, you got to pay bills. You're going to confront this. You're going to be heartbroken. You're going to have doubts about this.
You know, as much as I like to fake myself out and think that I'm ready to for this life, I wasn't ready. You know, I'm learning how to get through it. But I wasn't I wasn't ready. Nobody gave me a crash course like this is what's going to happen. You know, you got to pay bills. You're going to confront this. You're going to be heartbroken. You're going to have doubts about this.
It's just hard, you know, and. And sometimes from the outside, it looks like I'm living a good life and now, but I'm really not, you know, I'm just getting by.
It's just hard, you know, and. And sometimes from the outside, it looks like I'm living a good life and now, but I'm really not, you know, I'm just getting by.
I'm walking in and I'm looking. And I'm looking at all these expensive suits. I only paid like $90 for my suit.
I'm walking in and I'm looking. And I'm looking at all these expensive suits. I only paid like $90 for my suit.
What's going on for you? This is my first time here like in 45 years when I came out with another kid.
What's going on for you? This is my first time here like in 45 years when I came out with another kid.
I'm happy that I'm here sharing with my family because I was in prison. This is history.
I'm happy that I'm here sharing with my family because I was in prison. This is history.
I don't know how to deal with relationships. I dealt with that relationship the same way I dealt with a cellmate. Me and you are not getting along. You got to move the fuck out the cell. Then you start getting phone calls. What time you get off from work? What are you doing? Oh, I don't know. Mentally, it's like, I'm not ready for this.
I don't know how to deal with relationships. I dealt with that relationship the same way I dealt with a cellmate. Me and you are not getting along. You got to move the fuck out the cell. Then you start getting phone calls. What time you get off from work? What are you doing? Oh, I don't know. Mentally, it's like, I'm not ready for this.
I don't know what you're trying to get at with this.
I don't know what you're trying to get at with this.
You want to fuck with me, that's how it's going to go down. That's the dude y'all wanted, y'all got him. I swear to my mother's grave.
You want to fuck with me, that's how it's going to go down. That's the dude y'all wanted, y'all got him. I swear to my mother's grave.
We go outside, and in my head, I'm thinking, tonight is the night that I realize I'm free. I'm really free. It was like one of the movies that I watch in prison that you know is a sad movie, but at the end, you know when they sit like in the steps and they see the sunlight, you know it's like something magical is gonna happen.
We go outside, and in my head, I'm thinking, tonight is the night that I realize I'm free. I'm really free. It was like one of the movies that I watch in prison that you know is a sad movie, but at the end, you know when they sit like in the steps and they see the sunlight, you know it's like something magical is gonna happen.
I know what it is. Yeah, this is your man Swap. Yeah, I'm just chilling in the tub, man. Ready to take a shot of bath. But I just want to introduce y'all, man. Yo, this is the adventures of Swap Gonzalez and his Pulitzer. So, yeah, I'm in the tub with my Pulitzer. I'm ready to give my Pulitzer a shower because, you know, we got to stay clean, man.
I know what it is. Yeah, this is your man Swap. Yeah, I'm just chilling in the tub, man. Ready to take a shot of bath. But I just want to introduce y'all, man. Yo, this is the adventures of Swap Gonzalez and his Pulitzer. So, yeah, I'm in the tub with my Pulitzer. I'm ready to give my Pulitzer a shower because, you know, we got to stay clean, man.
You know, we just can't be too in the...
You know, we just can't be too in the...
I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all. What make you think you could try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Real hurt. Not fake hurt. Real hurt.
I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all. What make you think you could try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Real hurt. Not fake hurt. Real hurt.
Because I already know where you're going.
Because I already know where you're going.
Season four in life. Listen, season one, I was living life. I wasn't having fun. I was fucking boring. I was, I wouldn't say stressed out, but I was out of touch with my community, if you want to call it that. I'm living the hood, but I was out of touch. I chose to do that. Now it's like, man, fuck, I'm gone. I'm gonna have some fun. And I know that it can lead to destruction ways.
Season four in life. Listen, season one, I was living life. I wasn't having fun. I was fucking boring. I was, I wouldn't say stressed out, but I was out of touch with my community, if you want to call it that. I'm living the hood, but I was out of touch. I chose to do that. Now it's like, man, fuck, I'm gone. I'm gonna have some fun. And I know that it can lead to destruction ways.
I know that already. And I'm trying not to, you know, cross that destructive path. But I'm having fun on all levels. I'm having fun. So with season two, I'm hoping that people get it, man. Like, we human beings, we just been... deny certain things because of our incarceration. I'm a human being. I'm only 30 right now. I came home when I was 21.
I know that already. And I'm trying not to, you know, cross that destructive path. But I'm having fun on all levels. I'm having fun. So with season two, I'm hoping that people get it, man. Like, we human beings, we just been... deny certain things because of our incarceration. I'm a human being. I'm only 30 right now. I came home when I was 21.
You know, I mean, I'm looking at it in them terms, right?
You know, I mean, I'm looking at it in them terms, right?
I've been awarded like three different awards. Well, there's been a couple of new stories.
I've been awarded like three different awards. Well, there's been a couple of new stories.
I was given a second chance for a reason. Making music. Making music. That's something that I'm doing, you know. You ain't wanna hold me back.
I was given a second chance for a reason. Making music. Making music. That's something that I'm doing, you know. You ain't wanna hold me back.
I started my own true crime, true story episodes of podcasts with different people. As Lieutenant Governor, what is your position on juvenile lifers coming home and being on parole for life?
I started my own true crime, true story episodes of podcasts with different people. As Lieutenant Governor, what is your position on juvenile lifers coming home and being on parole for life?
It was pack house, really. I'm talking about, we had to turn people away.
It was pack house, really. I'm talking about, we had to turn people away.
Ashley Biden, as in that Biden, the former president's daughter. She lives in Philadelphia and has been an outspoken supporter of criminal justice reform. Okay. And she's like, So that's where we are today. You could say that it's a new day for Suave. But really, it's a whole new life. You know, Mr. Pulitzer is killing it.
Ashley Biden, as in that Biden, the former president's daughter. She lives in Philadelphia and has been an outspoken supporter of criminal justice reform. Okay. And she's like, So that's where we are today. You could say that it's a new day for Suave. But really, it's a whole new life. You know, Mr. Pulitzer is killing it.
At this point, I don't give a fuck who go to jail or not. Y'all poke the teddy bear, not y'all got the grisly bear. And the reason? The reason, as the cliche goes, is that you can leave prison, but prison never really leaves you.
At this point, I don't give a fuck who go to jail or not. Y'all poke the teddy bear, not y'all got the grisly bear. And the reason? The reason, as the cliche goes, is that you can leave prison, but prison never really leaves you.
No, this is the thing. Motherfucker, if a white man come in here with a Grammy Award and tell you that cheesesteak is not right, excuse me, sir, we're going to make it right for you.
No, this is the thing. Motherfucker, if a white man come in here with a Grammy Award and tell you that cheesesteak is not right, excuse me, sir, we're going to make it right for you.
That shit plays in my egos. I was like, yes. You love it. I do. You love it. Listen, I ain't gonna lie. And, you know, the young people tend to have this swag with it. Yeah. My old head's got a Pulitzer that's bigger than a Grammy. It's bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce. I was like, whoa. They was like, you should collaborate with Kendrick Lamar.
That shit plays in my egos. I was like, yes. You love it. I do. You love it. Listen, I ain't gonna lie. And, you know, the young people tend to have this swag with it. Yeah. My old head's got a Pulitzer that's bigger than a Grammy. It's bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce. I was like, whoa. They was like, you should collaborate with Kendrick Lamar.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going crazy now. I just went through, brought on them. I went on every social platform. I'm about to get some ads on Instagram that run 24 hours a day. Tomorrow is Friday. When I wake up Monday morning, right, because I already paid for them ads, I'm releasing everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going crazy now. I just went through, brought on them. I went on every social platform. I'm about to get some ads on Instagram that run 24 hours a day. Tomorrow is Friday. When I wake up Monday morning, right, because I already paid for them ads, I'm releasing everything.
A lot of advocates are like, bro, man, we need on the bench. I need my car. To them, it's nothing. To me, it's everything. You're blowing this up about a car. It's my fucking car, goddammit. What the fuck are y'all talking about?
A lot of advocates are like, bro, man, we need on the bench. I need my car. To them, it's nothing. To me, it's everything. You're blowing this up about a car. It's my fucking car, goddammit. What the fuck are y'all talking about?
I just want to make sure that all the work that you've done isn't undone. That's my only concern.
I just want to make sure that all the work that you've done isn't undone. That's my only concern.
I just don't want to see you back locked up, Slava. I know you don't want that either, but hearing you say that, that scares the fucking shit out of me.
I just don't want to see you back locked up, Slava. I know you don't want that either, but hearing you say that, that scares the fucking shit out of me.
Listen, at this point, it don't matter if I get the car back or not. It don't matter. See, because now y'all triggering me to be the motherfucker that I always was. A real nasty motherfucker. Now you've seen that nasty part and y'all don't like it. I'm not the only one that's going to take a loss. That's why I was fucking pissed when Maria called that meeting.
Listen, at this point, it don't matter if I get the car back or not. It don't matter. See, because now y'all triggering me to be the motherfucker that I always was. A real nasty motherfucker. Now you've seen that nasty part and y'all don't like it. I'm not the only one that's going to take a loss. That's why I was fucking pissed when Maria called that meeting.
Talking about, I understand your mental health. Man, get the fuck out of here. You don't know my fucking mental health.
Talking about, I understand your mental health. Man, get the fuck out of here. You don't know my fucking mental health.
I know that, you know, we were talking about you potentially applying, like, you know, for a pardon or something next year.
I know that, you know, we were talking about you potentially applying, like, you know, for a pardon or something next year.
I'm not even thinking about that, Julieta. I'll be honest with you. At this point, I'm not even thinking about that.
I'm not even thinking about that, Julieta. I'll be honest with you. At this point, I'm not even thinking about that.
I want to be supportive, but at the same time, he's saying things that are very concerning. If you don't mind, I want to try to call him one more time today. Well, maybe I should try calling him. You should. You should.
I want to be supportive, but at the same time, he's saying things that are very concerning. If you don't mind, I want to try to call him one more time today. Well, maybe I should try calling him. You should. You should.
I just want to express myself. I appreciate you and everybody else. I really do. Thank you for your words. You know, I don't know how much fucking time I'm going to be alive or whatever the fuck. I really don't. You know, and that's nothing to get spooky about. It's just what it is. I get frustrated because I'm very institutionalized. I need to have a structure.
I just want to express myself. I appreciate you and everybody else. I really do. Thank you for your words. You know, I don't know how much fucking time I'm going to be alive or whatever the fuck. I really don't. You know, and that's nothing to get spooky about. It's just what it is. I get frustrated because I'm very institutionalized. I need to have a structure.
When I don't have a structure in my life, I feel like I'm fucking going downhill with shit. Seriously. It's none of y'all fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just how I'm feeling. Like, fuck it.
When I don't have a structure in my life, I feel like I'm fucking going downhill with shit. Seriously. It's none of y'all fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just how I'm feeling. Like, fuck it.
Oh my God. I just read your text. What the hell?
Oh my God. I just read your text. What the hell?
The text you sent me about the car. Yeah?
The text you sent me about the car. Yeah?
Yeah. What happened? They called me on the 23rd and said, we think they located your car. And I said, okay. Then I got a call from the police station to come pick it up.
Yeah. What happened? They called me on the 23rd and said, we think they located your car. And I said, okay. Then I got a call from the police station to come pick it up.
You sound, I don't know. You don't sound that great.
You sound, I don't know. You don't sound that great.
Listen, I told you already. Right. This situation showed me a whole different side of this advocacy shit. This shit is not real. This shit is like the rap game. This shit is like the music game. Got a bunch of phony people who are trying to beat something. that they're not going to confront it with some real shit. It's fake.
Listen, I told you already. Right. This situation showed me a whole different side of this advocacy shit. This shit is not real. This shit is like the rap game. This shit is like the music game. Got a bunch of phony people who are trying to beat something. that they're not going to confront it with some real shit. It's fake.
You know, I'm sorry to say it like that, but it's the fakest thing I've ever seen.
You know, I'm sorry to say it like that, but it's the fakest thing I've ever seen.
I'm trying my best to be the bigger person. I'm trying my best. to be one of them monks up there. I painted them motherfuckers.
I'm trying my best to be the bigger person. I'm trying my best. to be one of them monks up there. I painted them motherfuckers.
I'm trying to be the fourth one. That's why I left a space there, right? The problem is that every time I'm trying to get to the bottom of that spot right there, I gotta get through all that shit first.
I'm trying to be the fourth one. That's why I left a space there, right? The problem is that every time I'm trying to get to the bottom of that spot right there, I gotta get through all that shit first.
People always want to rationalize shit when it's not happening to them. What will you do if you're on their spot? It was only a car. No, no individuals came in my space and violated my space, disrupted my fucking life. I spent 31 years in prison. Real tough motherfuckers, hardcore dudes. I ain't never let a soul, nobody, take a fucking odors and noodles suit from me.
People always want to rationalize shit when it's not happening to them. What will you do if you're on their spot? It was only a car. No, no individuals came in my space and violated my space, disrupted my fucking life. I spent 31 years in prison. Real tough motherfuckers, hardcore dudes. I ain't never let a soul, nobody, take a fucking odors and noodles suit from me.
But yeah, you gonna take my car? And then act like I ain't supposed to do nothing about it. You acting like you built for this life and you not. Oh, you should have never done that.
But yeah, you gonna take my car? And then act like I ain't supposed to do nothing about it. You acting like you built for this life and you not. Oh, you should have never done that.
You make it sound like. I'm packing up my suitcase.
You make it sound like. I'm packing up my suitcase.
I feel you. Whatever it is you're saying, I feel it. You're not feeling me, though. I don't think people understand. And they don't. And I understand. That's why I can't be mad. then when you start using words like mental state and shit like that, that shit been used against me all my life.
I feel you. Whatever it is you're saying, I feel it. You're not feeling me, though. I don't think people understand. And they don't. And I understand. That's why I can't be mad. then when you start using words like mental state and shit like that, that shit been used against me all my life.
You got to pay a fucking car. I still got to walk around with these motherfuckers driving my shit. Driving my shit that I work hard for. And just wave at them. Because that's exactly what you asked me to do. Become a bitch ass dude that you never was in prison. Do that out here. Somebody wants something, just give it to them. It's not worth it. At what point do it become worth it?
You got to pay a fucking car. I still got to walk around with these motherfuckers driving my shit. Driving my shit that I work hard for. And just wave at them. Because that's exactly what you asked me to do. Become a bitch ass dude that you never was in prison. Do that out here. Somebody wants something, just give it to them. It's not worth it. At what point do it become worth it?
I told you it was allergic to me. I am, but this is your loveless.
I told you it was allergic to me. I am, but this is your loveless.
If I wasn't on parole and probation, I'd be fucking somebody up. That's the real truth. I'm not in the street no more. I'm a fucking regular citizen. Been working hard. I don't fuck with nobody. I don't mess around with nobody. I mind my business. I help where I can help. Why would you want to do this to me? I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all.
If I wasn't on parole and probation, I'd be fucking somebody up. That's the real truth. I'm not in the street no more. I'm a fucking regular citizen. Been working hard. I don't fuck with nobody. I don't mess around with nobody. I mind my business. I help where I can help. Why would you want to do this to me? I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all.
What make you think you could try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Not fake hurt, real hurt. At this point, I don't give a fuck who go to jail or not. Because at the end of the day, I have no sympathy. I have no loyalty to these people.
What make you think you could try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Not fake hurt, real hurt. At this point, I don't give a fuck who go to jail or not. Because at the end of the day, I have no sympathy. I have no loyalty to these people.
Y'all pulled the teddy bear, now y'all got the grizzly bear. You want to fuck with me, that's how it's going to go down. It's on site. It's not going to be let's talk outside. It's on site. I don't know where we at. It's going to be on site. That's the dude y'all wanted, y'all got him.
Y'all pulled the teddy bear, now y'all got the grizzly bear. You want to fuck with me, that's how it's going to go down. It's on site. It's not going to be let's talk outside. It's on site. I don't know where we at. It's going to be on site. That's the dude y'all wanted, y'all got him.
Good morning, Suave. How are you doing, bro?
Good morning, Suave. How are you doing, bro?
I mean, it's going to get crazier because I'm going public with this stuff.
I mean, it's going to get crazier because I'm going public with this stuff.
I'm going public. That's what I mean. I'm going public.
I'm going public. That's what I mean. I'm going public.
I'm going public. I let the chips fall where they fall.
I'm going public. I let the chips fall where they fall.
What I'm going to do is clear the shit stone for a bunch of people. That's what I'm about to do. I'm dropping a whole bunch of stuff on social media. I'm dropping everything.
What I'm going to do is clear the shit stone for a bunch of people. That's what I'm about to do. I'm dropping a whole bunch of stuff on social media. I'm dropping everything.
See, these liberal judges, they think because somebody don't want somebody to go to jail that, oh, we all liberal. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not that fucking liberal that I'm taking a loss on a car. You want me to shut the fuck up? You don't want me to say shit? Give me my money for my car. At this point, I don't give a fuck.
See, these liberal judges, they think because somebody don't want somebody to go to jail that, oh, we all liberal. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not that fucking liberal that I'm taking a loss on a car. You want me to shut the fuck up? You don't want me to say shit? Give me my money for my car. At this point, I don't give a fuck.
Your life is worth more than a car. I get on site, but I also get that on site leads to a lot of people not making it out.
Your life is worth more than a car. I get on site, but I also get that on site leads to a lot of people not making it out.
If I got to fucking die for this shit, I will do it.
If I got to fucking die for this shit, I will do it.
I have every fucking right to protect myself.
I have every fucking right to protect myself.
Well, let me say this, right? I appreciate the conversation from the bottom of my heart, but I'm only doing this because Maria asked me not to go public at the time I wanted to go to. At the end of the day, I'm going to defend myself regardless of what the circumstances may be. If I got to go back to prison, fuck it. That's what it's going to be. I'm not no nut. I'm not no sucker.
Well, let me say this, right? I appreciate the conversation from the bottom of my heart, but I'm only doing this because Maria asked me not to go public at the time I wanted to go to. At the end of the day, I'm going to defend myself regardless of what the circumstances may be. If I got to go back to prison, fuck it. That's what it's going to be. I'm not no nut. I'm not no sucker.
Yeah, protect yourself is one thing. On sight is different. If they come at you first, then yes, you have a right to protect yourself.
Yeah, protect yourself is one thing. On sight is different. If they come at you first, then yes, you have a right to protect yourself.
I'm none of that. I'm none of the above.
I'm none of that. I'm none of the above.
I'm using everything I got. I'm using my Facebook, Instagram, everything. Trust me, it's going to be a shitstorm for somebody. See, because at this point, it's not even about a fucking car no more. It's not even about a car.
I'm using everything I got. I'm using my Facebook, Instagram, everything. Trust me, it's going to be a shitstorm for somebody. See, because at this point, it's not even about a fucking car no more. It's not even about a car.
I mean, I understand what you're saying, but you're wrong. To say that I'm desperate? What am I desperate for? I'm not desperate. I'm not desperate. I know what I'm doing. I'm not desperate. I know I'm dealing with motherfuckers. They don't want to lose their seat in the beds. Fuck them. What, I'm supposed to be scared? I'm supposed to let them run over me?
I mean, I understand what you're saying, but you're wrong. To say that I'm desperate? What am I desperate for? I'm not desperate. I'm not desperate. I know what I'm doing. I'm not desperate. I know I'm dealing with motherfuckers. They don't want to lose their seat in the beds. Fuck them. What, I'm supposed to be scared? I'm supposed to let them run over me?
I'm supposed to just say, hey, do whatever you want with Swag? I'm not doing that shit.
I'm supposed to just say, hey, do whatever you want with Swag? I'm not doing that shit.
Like, that's really upsetting to even like, I swear to my mother's grave. If I see them first, they're not going to get a chance to drop on me. Only way you're going to catch me is if you catch me with my back turned or slipping, and you're not going to do that. Because I'm a paranoid motherfucker anyway. So I'm walking on ice right now.
Like, that's really upsetting to even like, I swear to my mother's grave. If I see them first, they're not going to get a chance to drop on me. Only way you're going to catch me is if you catch me with my back turned or slipping, and you're not going to do that. Because I'm a paranoid motherfucker anyway. So I'm walking on ice right now.
You know what? Anyway, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Sorry. Sorry for interrupting.
You know what? Anyway, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Sorry. Sorry for interrupting.
Question is, why is these people so invested in the theft of my car? I don't want to put nobody in prison. I don't want nobody to get in trouble over this. All I want is my car.
Question is, why is these people so invested in the theft of my car? I don't want to put nobody in prison. I don't want nobody to get in trouble over this. All I want is my car.
So that death by incarceration sentence still linger over your, even if you get compassionate release.
So that death by incarceration sentence still linger over your, even if you get compassionate release.
And that was my greatest fear. Like, you know, I witnessed my mother die, my grandmother die, my grandfather die. I mean, multiple family members die all while I was in prison. And the only thing I feared was I don't want them to see me dying here.
And that was my greatest fear. Like, you know, I witnessed my mother die, my grandmother die, my grandfather die. I mean, multiple family members die all while I was in prison. And the only thing I feared was I don't want them to see me dying here.
Well, who died? Oh, Sussan Shaw, man, he was a good dude. And I'm like, shit, I do not want to go out like that. I mean, I think that's the reason why I got like a sleeping disorder where I can't sleep at night. Because I remember I used to lay in bed. I used to wonder like, shit, I don't want to sleep because I don't want my heart to stop. I mean, I used to think about this stuff.
Well, who died? Oh, Sussan Shaw, man, he was a good dude. And I'm like, shit, I do not want to go out like that. I mean, I think that's the reason why I got like a sleeping disorder where I can't sleep at night. Because I remember I used to lay in bed. I used to wonder like, shit, I don't want to sleep because I don't want my heart to stop. I mean, I used to think about this stuff.
And even today, I'll be like, shit, I don't want to go to bed because if I get a little chest pain, I'm going to fucking die in my sleep.
And even today, I'll be like, shit, I don't want to go to bed because if I get a little chest pain, I'm going to fucking die in my sleep.
Ross is 90 years old, 90 years old, fighting cancer. But because he haven't been yet classified as terminally ill, he can't apply for compassion release. I mean, what a 90-year-old man with cancer going to do out here? I mean, seriously, think about it. He's not a threat to nobody.
Ross is 90 years old, 90 years old, fighting cancer. But because he haven't been yet classified as terminally ill, he can't apply for compassion release. I mean, what a 90-year-old man with cancer going to do out here? I mean, seriously, think about it. He's not a threat to nobody.
We're in a car. We're going to go pick up a package and talk to Frank Raw's nephew. Frank would type like a thousand pages, front and back, and then want me to put it on Facebook. And I'm like, Frank, Facebook is for old people. And he'd be like, well, damn it, I'm 90 years old. I'm old.
We're in a car. We're going to go pick up a package and talk to Frank Raw's nephew. Frank would type like a thousand pages, front and back, and then want me to put it on Facebook. And I'm like, Frank, Facebook is for old people. And he'd be like, well, damn it, I'm 90 years old. I'm old.
that I'm paying honor to someone that made a difference in my life. I paid him back by coming to Broadway and re-winning his pieces.
that I'm paying honor to someone that made a difference in my life. I paid him back by coming to Broadway and re-winning his pieces.
Look at the way it's wrapped up. It's wrapped up in a yellow envelope. Wrapped up in newspaper. Taped up. So I'm opening it up and it kind of reminds me of an offering. When you go offer something, it's wrapped up with tape, newspapers. Look at it.
Look at the way it's wrapped up. It's wrapped up in a yellow envelope. Wrapped up in newspaper. Taped up. So I'm opening it up and it kind of reminds me of an offering. When you go offer something, it's wrapped up with tape, newspapers. Look at it.
I don't know what's in it yet, but you hear the paper?
I don't know what's in it yet, but you hear the paper?
The Arthur family gratefully acknowledge Mr. David Suave Gonzalez, spell my name with an S, Frank, kind effort to highlight his body of work to the world. Frank, I'm going to let you slide with that.
The Arthur family gratefully acknowledge Mr. David Suave Gonzalez, spell my name with an S, Frank, kind effort to highlight his body of work to the world. Frank, I'm going to let you slide with that.
I'm just trying to let go of that prison attachment that I had. And I think it was guilt from leaving my homies behind. I'd get phone calls, people died, this person died, that person died. I used to feel guilty because those was my family. I grew up with them in prison. 31 years, I grew up with them. What I did, I kept like three people on my phone list.
I'm just trying to let go of that prison attachment that I had. And I think it was guilt from leaving my homies behind. I'd get phone calls, people died, this person died, that person died. I used to feel guilty because those was my family. I grew up with them in prison. 31 years, I grew up with them. What I did, I kept like three people on my phone list.
The rest, I just told them I need a year, bro. I just need a year. I kept three people, Frank, Freddie, and another young brother named Fox, right? Because they don't even call that much. But I needed to detach myself. I realized that I'm like, oh, like most of my phone calls were prison calls, right? And it was guilt, like, damn, they ain't got nobody. You know, they need to talk to somebody.
The rest, I just told them I need a year, bro. I just need a year. I kept three people, Frank, Freddie, and another young brother named Fox, right? Because they don't even call that much. But I needed to detach myself. I realized that I'm like, oh, like most of my phone calls were prison calls, right? And it was guilt, like, damn, they ain't got nobody. You know, they need to talk to somebody.
But I still send them money, and, you know, I got them on the tablet, get their e-mails. But phone calls, I only get phone calls from three people now. And that was intentionally. That was on purpose for me.
But I still send them money, and, you know, I got them on the tablet, get their e-mails. But phone calls, I only get phone calls from three people now. And that was intentionally. That was on purpose for me.
From the guy in the prison that I always tell him to check on Frank. He just sent me a text. Well, I'm gonna let you read it. You read better than me. Can you read it out?
From the guy in the prison that I always tell him to check on Frank. He just sent me a text. Well, I'm gonna let you read it. You read better than me. Can you read it out?
He was an old guy when I met him. I never knew his real name. Had an Indian nickname. Once in a while, I almost came up with it. It wasn't like Bray Warren or Running Bear. He was called after one of the tribes like Apache's. It's on the tip of my tongue.
He was an old guy when I met him. I never knew his real name. Had an Indian nickname. Once in a while, I almost came up with it. It wasn't like Bray Warren or Running Bear. He was called after one of the tribes like Apache's. It's on the tip of my tongue.
I'm a fucking regular citizen. Been working hard. I don't fuck with nobody. I help where I can help. Why would you want to do this to me? I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all. What make you think you can try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Real hurt.
I'm a fucking regular citizen. Been working hard. I don't fuck with nobody. I help where I can help. Why would you want to do this to me? I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all. What make you think you can try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Real hurt.
At this point, I don't give a fuck. If I got to fucking die for this shit, I would do it.
At this point, I don't give a fuck. If I got to fucking die for this shit, I would do it.
That man showed me how to read and write, which is like the survival in prison. Because if you can't read, you can't read your legal papers. You can't appeal your case. He showed me that.
That man showed me how to read and write, which is like the survival in prison. Because if you can't read, you can't read your legal papers. You can't appeal your case. He showed me that.
Hey, Frank, what's going on, buddy? Not much. I'm over here, man. I'm over here telling my people how much you showed me when I was in prison, right? How old are you, Frank, for the records? Ninety-what? And what do you do?
Hey, Frank, what's going on, buddy? Not much. I'm over here, man. I'm over here telling my people how much you showed me when I was in prison, right? How old are you, Frank, for the records? Ninety-what? And what do you do?
Frank Ross is like a late, I used to call him the late criminal. Family man, grown kids. He ended up with a life sentence.
Frank Ross is like a late, I used to call him the late criminal. Family man, grown kids. He ended up with a life sentence.
So he gets to Greta's fault and he began writing and he became like this real famous writer. A lot of people wrote stories about him because he was that good of a writer. And he started writing movie scripts and books. But what he got satisfaction was teaching other people how to read and write.
So he gets to Greta's fault and he began writing and he became like this real famous writer. A lot of people wrote stories about him because he was that good of a writer. And he started writing movie scripts and books. But what he got satisfaction was teaching other people how to read and write.
There was hundreds, if not thousands of people in the DOC that he showed how to read and write. And I was one of them.
There was hundreds, if not thousands of people in the DOC that he showed how to read and write. And I was one of them.
When I first got to Gratiform, he was one of the dudes that he had enough heart to step to me, I guess. He was like, hey, young boy, let me talk to you. And I used to tell him, look, man, what can you get for me, right? And he said, I got some pen and paper for you.
When I first got to Gratiform, he was one of the dudes that he had enough heart to step to me, I guess. He was like, hey, young boy, let me talk to you. And I used to tell him, look, man, what can you get for me, right? And he said, I got some pen and paper for you.
And he still had that hope that I'm fighting, I'm trying to go home. And to me, that's like, wow. Because yes, I always think about it like, dang, that could have been me 40 years from now. That could have been me, easily. I know plenty of Frank Ross. I know plenty of people that I seen young that now are wrinkled and you be like, dang, what happened?
And he still had that hope that I'm fighting, I'm trying to go home. And to me, that's like, wow. Because yes, I always think about it like, dang, that could have been me 40 years from now. That could have been me, easily. I know plenty of Frank Ross. I know plenty of people that I seen young that now are wrinkled and you be like, dang, what happened?
All right, bro, so call me the day... Call me the day of tomorrow, man. Love you, and I'll talk to you the day of tomorrow. All right, take care.
All right, bro, so call me the day... Call me the day of tomorrow, man. Love you, and I'll talk to you the day of tomorrow. All right, take care.
The piece that I'm reading, it was written by a gentleman called Frank Ross. Frank Ross is a lifer. They probably taught thousands and thousands of young guys in prison how to read and write, including me. Now I'm on stage in Broadway reading a piece from the guy that taught me how to read and write.
The piece that I'm reading, it was written by a gentleman called Frank Ross. Frank Ross is a lifer. They probably taught thousands and thousands of young guys in prison how to read and write, including me. Now I'm on stage in Broadway reading a piece from the guy that taught me how to read and write.
So tell me a little bit, Frank. If I remember, didn't you beat cancer?
So tell me a little bit, Frank. If I remember, didn't you beat cancer?
Oh, my bad, bro. I didn't realize that. I thought you beat it the first time. No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, my bad, bro. I didn't realize that. I thought you beat it the first time. No, no, no, no, no.
So what is it, Frank? What is it that keeps you pushing to want to come home?
So what is it, Frank? What is it that keeps you pushing to want to come home?
We had no idea what it was going to be like. Just recording.
Maria asked me this morning, why am I? What's up with the diet? I don't know if you noticed, my clothes is going down. I've been doing this for the last month now.
Orchard Beach is no ghetto for me. They say, you know, it's a little bit over there.
For the last month, you know, I've been reluctant to, like, tell Maria, like, yo, I'm going through this. I already went through the process, doctor, all that shit.
I think this is what we set out to do. To give a life. And you know, it's long overdue.
Sometimes people come home from prison, we got resentment because we wasn't living up to the status quo in the prison system. We didn't have the big bag of commissary. We didn't have the color TV. And because our families didn't send us the money, so we resent that. Without understanding that there was out here living fucked up too. I don't come from a rich family.
There was out here struggling, still struggling. I wouldn't want nobody coming home saying, you didn't send me a dollar. I hate you for it. You know, like, bro, I forgot. I forgot your number. Or I had a family. I got to take care of the family first. Like, we don't want to hear that because in prison we live in a bubble, right? Right?
And that bubble don't consist of me knowing that if that person got a job, if that person is sick, if that person have $10 to send me. Oh, for them $10 that person is sending me, what bill is not getting paid? Right?
You grow, you grow, you learn how to let that resentment go.
I can't travel without permission. I can't move from one house to another house without asking permission.
Being in a relationship is giving up part of your freedom. Am I willing to give my freedom up again because I'm searching for love? Man, fuck love, if it comes to that.
I feel guilty that I left a lot of good men and women behind that deserved the same opportunities that I'm getting. And sometimes I feel like, dang, why can't it just be all of us?
He was having a mental breakdown. That's exactly what it was. Like, I was triggered to that point where it's like, man, I'm fucking you up. I'm going to go to jail. But I'm fucking you up.
We all got demons, Maria. Like, we all got demons. And them demons is what kept me alive in prison. But I'll tell you this, it's like, I try not to bring that person out, suppress, the person is suppressed, where I gotta harm somebody to protect myself. That person is still there. For years, we say, oh, you rehabilitated. Still the same people, we just make better decisions today.
Orchard Beach was the spot, Section 4. That's where my mom used to go sell bacalaito, pinchos, pastelillos, beer. That's where they did all the dance-offs. That's where the DJs came to do the music. That was like the hustle.
It's my first time here, like, in 45 years. When I came here, I was a little kid. When I came here, I was, like, seven, right? Like, seven, eight. When my dad brought me here. Yeah, yeah.
Nope. I'm living day by day. That's it. Just to stay alive. I'm not putting that pressure on me no more. Like writing and looking at a list, like I gotta do this. Cause if I don't do this, I'm gonna feel like I failed. I'm not doing that. Nope. I'm at peace with myself. If I'm at peace with myself, everybody around me is safe. I know it's hard for people to get it like
What's important to me now is to get up in the morning, make sure I do what I said I was going to do, which is give my sister a kidney. So that requires me to leave all that other shit behind and focus on one thing, which is getting up and staying healthy. Staying alive.
Fulfill my duties. That ain't got nothing to do with me. All right, cool, peace. That's it. Peace. I'm not doing this to, you got to come back and love me. I'm not doing that shit for that.
Maria and Suave walk down the subway steps on the corner of 125th Street in Harlem.
I am not happy. I'm glad I'm home. But if you say describe happy, I should be able to describe happy. And I can't. I can't describe it because I'm not happy.
It's not all. It's not a bouquet of roses. It's not. A lot of people think that freedom is you get out and you're free. You shouldn't complain about nothing. I went from one prison to another prison. What I learned from freedom is that it comes with a big price tag. You know, there's been time when I was like, shit. Shit.
I wish I was back in prison because I didn't have to deal with none of this shit. Prison, I was free. It was locked up, but I was mentally, I was free because I was like, I had to deal with this, this, that, that, that, that, that. At one time, I defined freedom as I could go here, I could travel there, I could buy this, and I could buy that. That's not fucking freedom.
That's just you going out and spending your fucking money in shit that don't matter. That's what that is. Freedom to me is where I could honestly just look you in the eyes and say, you know what? I had a great time. Like, I didn't have to hit gunshots. I didn't have to hit none of that shit. Right? I sold deer. I was free for that moment.
Orchard Beach is where the concept of freedom started for me.
I'm content with where I'm at in life. I think I got a good life.
It looked the same. Hamble quartz. I know how to get here. I ain't been here that long, but it don't change. Don't change. I can see my mother's table right there. My mom used to always park right here. Because we used to get here like six o'clock in the morning. Under this tree right here, this tree is two there. And we used to park there, put everything there, because it just blocked the sun.
And my mom used to put a table right here, and with her little grill selling patelillos, all that stuff. This is it.
You know, I never was a believer like the rest of my family, where they embody that stuff. To me, it was like, okay, if it works, it works. If it don't, psst. The rest of my family embody that. They live by them codes. You know, and that was like a highlight of a conversation or a prison visit. We got to take a picture. So every visit was like a new picture for the offering.
I wonder how many of my pictures is in the bottom of this little thing here.
Oh, that's exactly what it is. You get your hopes up, then it don't work. But did I believe in it? No, I really didn't. But do it works? Apparently it does.
But that's where he make the offerings at, right there.
I can live in nature. Living in nature is like being in solitary confinement. You hear shit that nobody else hears.
It's a good spot. I would definitely come back and walk around it. I'm just not prepared to be in this water here. This water contains some of my photos, part of it. I might be stepping on myself.
Get tested. You get tested, you get tested. Can you pass the test?
Still friends. We're just not officially recording for a project. Still friends. I'm pretty sure Maria still got that little recorder she carried in her wallet. You know, that... Hold on, let me put the recorder on. It's just not the pressure of, we got a deadline, we got to do this. It's not that. It's just, let's record. It's almost like at the beginning. He's just recording.
So what's up with Maria? She texted me. I didn't catch that.
I don't want to talk about that shit no more, man. I literally don't. You give all the offerings you want. Last time I was talking, it was a headache. Yeah, I remember. That's why I was wondering. You ain't going to apologize to me. I'm Maria. I ain't a horse. Nobody goats me. And I was like, all right, bye. Oh, man. Yeah. My mind is made up. Once this shit is over, I'm goats.
Got other shit to do in life. I got other shit to do in life.
Hey, what's up? How are you doing? I'm good.
Okay, so you got the dates, right, for Puerto Rico? Yeah, the ones you sent me. Yeah. Everything is set up down there. They're going to cook clothes and everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going crazy now. I just went through, brought on them. I went on every social platform. I'm about to get some ads on Instagram that run 24 hours a day. Tomorrow is Friday. When I wake up Monday morning, right, because I already paid for them ads, I'm releasing everything.
A lot of advocates are like, bro, man, we need on the bench. I need my car. To them, it's nothing. To me, it's everything. You're blowing this up about a car. It's my fucking car, goddammit. What the fuck are y'all talking about?
I just want to make sure that all the work that you've done isn't undone. That's my only concern.
I just don't want to see you back locked up, Slava. I know you don't want that either, but hearing you say that, that scares the fucking shit out of me.
Listen, at this point, it don't matter if I get the car back or not. It don't matter. See, because now y'all triggering me to be the motherfucker that I always was. A real nasty motherfucker. Now you've seen that nasty part and y'all don't like it. I'm not the only one that's going to take a loss. That's why I was fucking pissed when Maria called that meeting.
Talking about, I understand your mental health. Man, get the fuck out of here. You don't know my fucking mental health.
I know that, you know, we were talking about you potentially applying, like, you know, for a pardon or something next year.
I'm not even thinking about that, Julieta. I'll be honest with you. At this point, I'm not even thinking about that.
I want to be supportive, but at the same time, he's saying things that are very concerning. If you don't mind, I want to try to call him one more time today. Well, maybe I should try calling him. You should. You should.
I just want to express myself. I appreciate you and everybody else. I really do. Thank you for your words. You know, I don't know how much fucking time I'm going to be alive or whatever the fuck. I really don't. You know, and that's nothing to get spooky about. It's just what it is. I get frustrated because I'm very institutionalized. I need to have a structure.
When I don't have a structure in my life, I feel like I'm fucking going downhill with shit. Seriously. It's none of y'all fault. It's nobody's fault. It's just how I'm feeling. Like, fuck it.
Oh my God. I just read your text. What the hell?
The text you sent me about the car. Yeah?
Yeah. What happened? They called me on the 23rd and said, we think they located your car. And I said, okay. Then I got a call from the police station to come pick it up.
You sound, I don't know. You don't sound that great.
Listen, I told you already. Right. This situation showed me a whole different side of this advocacy shit. This shit is not real. This shit is like the rap game. This shit is like the music game. Got a bunch of phony people who are trying to beat something. that they're not going to confront it with some real shit. It's fake.
You know, I'm sorry to say it like that, but it's the fakest thing I've ever seen.
I'm trying my best to be the bigger person. I'm trying my best. to be one of them monks up there. I painted them motherfuckers.
I'm trying to be the fourth one. That's why I left a space there, right? The problem is that every time I'm trying to get to the bottom of that spot right there, I gotta get through all that shit first.
People always want to rationalize shit when it's not happening to them. What will you do if you're on their spot? It was only a car. No, no individuals came in my space and violated my space, disrupted my fucking life. I spent 31 years in prison. Real tough motherfuckers, hardcore dudes. I ain't never let a soul, nobody, take a fucking odors and noodles suit from me.
But yeah, you gonna take my car? And then act like I ain't supposed to do nothing about it. You acting like you built for this life and you not. Oh, you should have never done that.
You make it sound like. I'm packing up my suitcase.
I feel you. Whatever it is you're saying, I feel it. You're not feeling me, though. I don't think people understand. And they don't. And I understand. That's why I can't be mad. then when you start using words like mental state and shit like that, that shit been used against me all my life.
You got to pay a fucking car. I still got to walk around with these motherfuckers driving my shit. Driving my shit that I work hard for. And just wave at them. Because that's exactly what you asked me to do. Become a bitch ass dude that you never was in prison. Do that out here. Somebody wants something, just give it to them. It's not worth it. At what point do it become worth it?
I told you it was allergic to me. I am, but this is your loveless.
If I wasn't on parole and probation, I'd be fucking somebody up. That's the real truth. I'm not in the street no more. I'm a fucking regular citizen. Been working hard. I don't fuck with nobody. I don't mess around with nobody. I mind my business. I help where I can help. Why would you want to do this to me? I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all.
What make you think you could try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Not fake hurt, real hurt. At this point, I don't give a fuck who go to jail or not. Because at the end of the day, I have no sympathy. I have no loyalty to these people.
Y'all pulled the teddy bear, now y'all got the grizzly bear. You want to fuck with me, that's how it's going to go down. It's on site. It's not going to be let's talk outside. It's on site. I don't know where we at. It's going to be on site. That's the dude y'all wanted, y'all got him.
Good morning, Suave. How are you doing, bro?
I mean, it's going to get crazier because I'm going public with this stuff.
I'm going public. That's what I mean. I'm going public.
I'm going public. I let the chips fall where they fall.
What I'm going to do is clear the shit stone for a bunch of people. That's what I'm about to do. I'm dropping a whole bunch of stuff on social media. I'm dropping everything.
See, these liberal judges, they think because somebody don't want somebody to go to jail that, oh, we all liberal. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not that fucking liberal that I'm taking a loss on a car. You want me to shut the fuck up? You don't want me to say shit? Give me my money for my car. At this point, I don't give a fuck.
Your life is worth more than a car. I get on site, but I also get that on site leads to a lot of people not making it out.
If I got to fucking die for this shit, I will do it.
I have every fucking right to protect myself.
Well, let me say this, right? I appreciate the conversation from the bottom of my heart, but I'm only doing this because Maria asked me not to go public at the time I wanted to go to. At the end of the day, I'm going to defend myself regardless of what the circumstances may be. If I got to go back to prison, fuck it. That's what it's going to be. I'm not no nut. I'm not no sucker.
Yeah, protect yourself is one thing. On sight is different. If they come at you first, then yes, you have a right to protect yourself.
I'm none of that. I'm none of the above.
I'm using everything I got. I'm using my Facebook, Instagram, everything. Trust me, it's going to be a shitstorm for somebody. See, because at this point, it's not even about a fucking car no more. It's not even about a car.
I mean, I understand what you're saying, but you're wrong. To say that I'm desperate? What am I desperate for? I'm not desperate. I'm not desperate. I know what I'm doing. I'm not desperate. I know I'm dealing with motherfuckers. They don't want to lose their seat in the beds. Fuck them. What, I'm supposed to be scared? I'm supposed to let them run over me?
I'm supposed to just say, hey, do whatever you want with Swag? I'm not doing that shit.
Like, that's really upsetting to even like, I swear to my mother's grave. If I see them first, they're not going to get a chance to drop on me. Only way you're going to catch me is if you catch me with my back turned or slipping, and you're not going to do that. Because I'm a paranoid motherfucker anyway. So I'm walking on ice right now.
You know what? Anyway, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Sorry. Sorry for interrupting.
Question is, why is these people so invested in the theft of my car? I don't want to put nobody in prison. I don't want nobody to get in trouble over this. All I want is my car.
So that death by incarceration sentence still linger over your, even if you get compassionate release.
And that was my greatest fear. Like, you know, I witnessed my mother die, my grandmother die, my grandfather die. I mean, multiple family members die all while I was in prison. And the only thing I feared was I don't want them to see me dying here.
Well, who died? Oh, Sussan Shaw, man, he was a good dude. And I'm like, shit, I do not want to go out like that. I mean, I think that's the reason why I got like a sleeping disorder where I can't sleep at night. Because I remember I used to lay in bed. I used to wonder like, shit, I don't want to sleep because I don't want my heart to stop. I mean, I used to think about this stuff.
And even today, I'll be like, shit, I don't want to go to bed because if I get a little chest pain, I'm going to fucking die in my sleep.
Ross is 90 years old, 90 years old, fighting cancer. But because he haven't been yet classified as terminally ill, he can't apply for compassion release. I mean, what a 90-year-old man with cancer going to do out here? I mean, seriously, think about it. He's not a threat to nobody.
We're in a car. We're going to go pick up a package and talk to Frank Raw's nephew. Frank would type like a thousand pages, front and back, and then want me to put it on Facebook. And I'm like, Frank, Facebook is for old people. And he'd be like, well, damn it, I'm 90 years old. I'm old.
that I'm paying honor to someone that made a difference in my life. I paid him back by coming to Broadway and re-winning his pieces.
Look at the way it's wrapped up. It's wrapped up in a yellow envelope. Wrapped up in newspaper. Taped up. So I'm opening it up and it kind of reminds me of an offering. When you go offer something, it's wrapped up with tape, newspapers. Look at it.
I don't know what's in it yet, but you hear the paper?
The Arthur family gratefully acknowledge Mr. David Suave Gonzalez, spell my name with an S, Frank, kind effort to highlight his body of work to the world. Frank, I'm going to let you slide with that.
I'm just trying to let go of that prison attachment that I had. And I think it was guilt from leaving my homies behind. I'd get phone calls, people died, this person died, that person died. I used to feel guilty because those was my family. I grew up with them in prison. 31 years, I grew up with them. What I did, I kept like three people on my phone list.
The rest, I just told them I need a year, bro. I just need a year. I kept three people, Frank, Freddie, and another young brother named Fox, right? Because they don't even call that much. But I needed to detach myself. I realized that I'm like, oh, like most of my phone calls were prison calls, right? And it was guilt, like, damn, they ain't got nobody. You know, they need to talk to somebody.
But I still send them money, and, you know, I got them on the tablet, get their e-mails. But phone calls, I only get phone calls from three people now. And that was intentionally. That was on purpose for me.
From the guy in the prison that I always tell him to check on Frank. He just sent me a text. Well, I'm gonna let you read it. You read better than me. Can you read it out?
He was an old guy when I met him. I never knew his real name. Had an Indian nickname. Once in a while, I almost came up with it. It wasn't like Bray Warren or Running Bear. He was called after one of the tribes like Apache's. It's on the tip of my tongue.
I'm a fucking regular citizen. Been working hard. I don't fuck with nobody. I help where I can help. Why would you want to do this to me? I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all. What make you think you can try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Real hurt.
At this point, I don't give a fuck. If I got to fucking die for this shit, I would do it.
That man showed me how to read and write, which is like the survival in prison. Because if you can't read, you can't read your legal papers. You can't appeal your case. He showed me that.
Hey, Frank, what's going on, buddy? Not much. I'm over here, man. I'm over here telling my people how much you showed me when I was in prison, right? How old are you, Frank, for the records? Ninety-what? And what do you do?
Frank Ross is like a late, I used to call him the late criminal. Family man, grown kids. He ended up with a life sentence.
So he gets to Greta's fault and he began writing and he became like this real famous writer. A lot of people wrote stories about him because he was that good of a writer. And he started writing movie scripts and books. But what he got satisfaction was teaching other people how to read and write.
There was hundreds, if not thousands of people in the DOC that he showed how to read and write. And I was one of them.
When I first got to Gratiform, he was one of the dudes that he had enough heart to step to me, I guess. He was like, hey, young boy, let me talk to you. And I used to tell him, look, man, what can you get for me, right? And he said, I got some pen and paper for you.
And he still had that hope that I'm fighting, I'm trying to go home. And to me, that's like, wow. Because yes, I always think about it like, dang, that could have been me 40 years from now. That could have been me, easily. I know plenty of Frank Ross. I know plenty of people that I seen young that now are wrinkled and you be like, dang, what happened?
All right, bro, so call me the day... Call me the day of tomorrow, man. Love you, and I'll talk to you the day of tomorrow. All right, take care.
The piece that I'm reading, it was written by a gentleman called Frank Ross. Frank Ross is a lifer. They probably taught thousands and thousands of young guys in prison how to read and write, including me. Now I'm on stage in Broadway reading a piece from the guy that taught me how to read and write.
So tell me a little bit, Frank. If I remember, didn't you beat cancer?
Oh, my bad, bro. I didn't realize that. I thought you beat it the first time. No, no, no, no, no.
So what is it, Frank? What is it that keeps you pushing to want to come home?
I do not. give that title to everybody. Best friends.
There's really nothing to understand. I think that's the problem. You're trying to understand too much. There's nothing there to understand. I think so.
He's talking about it's different. I don't see it that way.
I don't feel that I need to seek for help or advice from Maria all the time. I can do shit on my own. I can handle shit on my own. Serious. I don't need to share all my problems with Maria or with anybody else. That's not what I do. I process and deal with that shit on my own. Whether the results are good or bad. That's how it is.
Maria, I like to say that she's not a mother figure. But she come across as a mother figure sometimes. Sometimes you say shit that you don't want to hear. They are truth. But you're like, oh, I want to hear this shit right now. Can't tell her that. So what you do? I call her later on. Because I know when I call her later on, she's probably going to be in a meeting or something.
And she's going to say, I can't talk to you right now. I only got five minutes. I know that. So, yeah, but sometimes I don't want to hear it. Several times you mentioned, oh, you got other people. I don't trust other people. Can we be associates? Yeah, why not? But you're not in my trust circle. That's where it's at. Maria feels some way I respect. I got it. I understand.
I got to do better with that. I really got to do better with that because I do tend to shut down from everybody and hide out.
People forget, man, I'm just getting out that bubble, that prison bubble that I was in for decades. And within that bubble is that one thing a lot of people in the prison fear. They forgot about me. Nobody knows me. Nobody answered my phone calls. Nobody, you know, that's something that I carry with me all the time. Like when in reality, it might not even be that way.
When it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is. Because I come from a place where there is no friends.
First of all, I can't describe it because I don't know what friendship is. I really don't. I have a lot of people that I associate with, but when it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is because I come from a place where there is no friends.
What I will say is that I do have people that I carry in my heart. And I don't consider that friend.
Okay. So the obvious don't need answer, though.
I learned how to not take shit personal. I'm learning how to be a person in relationship, how to deal with relationship, how they really are in the real world. I like conflict. And when you bring that conflict into relationship, It's dangerous because you might miss out on something that could be good for you. It's just that I choose to hold on to that trauma for safety reasons.
I'm tired of running. I'm tired of running. It's too costly. It's too costly. I mean, because when you run... The problem with running is that you want to run into another problem. You're not running into a solution. You're running into somebody that just want to fuck with you for a couple of weeks and, you know, whatever. Now you're back with your boo and you got a problem with this here.
Now you got to deal with this. You know, I ain't got time for that, man. I really don't. I really don't.
I think I got a good life, good relationship. Lucero, what's up? When you gonna ask me to marry you, mama?
I don't know. You gotta propose.
Yeah, it could be, listen, it could be the candy ones. A ring pop? A ring pop, it could be that.
Hey, Frank, what's going on, buddy? Not much, man.
There was hundreds, if not thousands of people in the DOC that he showed how to read and write, and I was one of them. You know, he always found a way, from every location in the jail, he always found a way to come to me. And now he's 90, and he still had that hope that I'm fighting, I'm trying to go home.
Someone that's been in prison for decades It's going to take a long time to gain that trust. Because in the back of my mind, always going to be, if I ever get locked up, will you stick by me?
Take full responsibility for my action. I checked that one out. Find me a good woman to marry her. I haven't done that yet.
A real good space. Relationship, wow, what's up Lucero?
I could have sex with a prison guard anytime I want and get away with it. It's exciting that you could have someone behind a soda machine in the visiting room and have some intercourse with them and don't get caught. I came home with the prison visiting room mentality. It was about, yeah, I just want to smash.
And then you go after the woman that just want to be with dudes that come home from prison. Unfortunately, that's a whole lot of them. How much time you did? Oh, 31 years. You coming home with me tonight? Because in their head, it's some sexual fantasy shit going on. I just want some fun. And boom, that's not the way it goes in real life out here.
Ladies want too much. They want you to call them when you get to work. What are you doing? When are you coming home? And that's what relationships and commitment feels like. That feels too much like prison to me. Being in a relationship is giving up part of your freedom. Am I willing to give my freedom up again because I'm searching for love? Man, fuck love.
If it comes to that, no, no, no, no, no, and no.
I like conflict. That comes from me being in prison, being ready for whatever. And when you bring that conflict into relationship, it's dangerous because you might miss out on something that could be good for you, but you just got this thing going on in your head that you don't want to hear it.
Well, I hope so. I've been in the trauma unit for a while. A day and a half now.
I thought I was going to be all right.
They put me under this machine, and I felt like I was being strapped down.
So Maria called me like 7 o'clock in the morning. I didn't answer at first. She kept calling and calling and calling and calling. I was like, oh my God. Like she wouldn't stop calling. Let me talk to a doctor. I want to talk to the doctor. I'm like, there's no doctor here. That's too much. That is too much. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but that's too much.
They're the fucking same way. Are you being nice to the nurses? You got to be nice. Make sure you say this. Don't say it this way. I'm like, yo, yo, stop. Like, I told you before to go to the hospital. Why didn't you listen? Oh, my God. I'm like, oh, my God, stop. I was like, man, listen, go to bed. You're more stressed out than I am.
I'm tired. Working. Back to working.
I'm really, really focused on what it is that I'm doing and the mission.
It's Atlanta, man. I love it down here.
We go through the door, and you, like, in this space... High Stage, Spaceship, Smoke, DJ. It was like going into an OutKast Rack video. For real, it was like being in a video. But then the crowd, the energy. It's like, whoa. I met my friend's friend. He's like, what's up, bro? You good? You with me? But I see the buzz in his waistline, like, I'm like, shit, everybody in here has a gun.
Shit. Another day in this world. Five o'clock in the morning. Just getting up. Bella. Bella, I'm going to whip your ass, Bella.
If somebody bump into me, I got to be the one to bitch up and be like, oh, my bad. You know, because I'm probably the only one there not packing. You get loud with somebody in Atlanta, you might get shot. Seriously. So I'm like, no, I'm cool. I'm out. I don't like being in them places where I feel defenseless.
Something jump off, dude. What was you even doing in that room?
You know, I'm not hanging with little Ray Ray and Rahim from down the block. I'm not. Now, when I came home, I wanted that. I wanted that 17 year old life. I wanted what I missed when I went to jail. Minus standing in the corner. But I like I like that shit. I like that smoke. I like I like that urban excitement where I could be in the corner and hit gunshots. But I'm not involved with it.
But I like that shit. You know, I still do.
Somebody might say, well, that's a dangerous game. They could violate you. Truth. Those are the consequences that come with you making certain actions, man. So I do a lot of stuff that I'm not supposed to do only because I want to feel human.
A couple of days ago, my homie just came home.
Man, Bella just snuck in the bed and tucked in under my arms when I was sleeping, got hair all over my black sheets.
This dude was like my brother. I got him a job. He told me straight up, I'm not going to work for them. No, you know, they're not paying me enough. And, you know, I left the conversation there because the guy was like my brother, right?
But then I'm thinking, like, he had no restrictions. He had no parole. So he free to go anywhere he want to go. That's dangerous. Know why it's dangerous? Because he could say, I don't want to work no way.
See, but I keep telling you, I'm institutionalized. And what I mean by institutionalized, I do things in patterns, A, B, C. I can't do things with A and then C because I'm like, what happened to B? What was B? What I was supposed to do in B? That's because I'm institutionalized. When you're not on parole, you can say,
I'm going to sleep all day, and then tomorrow, I'm going to go ahead and smoke some weed. I can't do that shit.
Yeah, I probably would have been in a fucked up predicament because I like to do fucked up shit.
No, it is. You have to be true with yourself.
No. No. No. I don't fear it.
I'll get her these little outfits. I think it's so cute. I don't think Bella understands she's a girl. So I'll put pink on her to let her know, like, look at yourself in the mirror. You are a girl, Bella.
I wouldn't say safer. I say it's more structured. That's fair to say. I gotta have structure. I can't be like free to go, just do what you see, what you think is best. It's not gonna work. It won't work for me. Because I know, and I really, I hate to say this on tape, man, but it's the truth. Like I know that if I didn't have that safety net up the rope, I don't know.
I'll probably be in some other shit, man, because I'm real emotional and I like to act on those emotions. And I realize that. Nobody got to tell me that. So it's like a balance. It's like a balance. Like, we're keeping you safe, bro.
When it comes to friends, I don't even know what that is. I come from a place where there is no friends.
No, no, I know. Because later on, they throw it in your face.
He calls his apartment... A high-class prison cell. I don't need a whole lot. It's better than a house for me.
Sometimes, and you know, I don't even tell people this, but sometimes I just take a sheet or quilt, put it on the floor and lay on the floor.
In prison, you got to get up and the guard walk around and make sure you're physically there. They blow a bullhorn like 10 minutes before they come around. Count time, count time. That's what they would yell every morning. At home, it's almost the same thing. I get up, Bella and me are on time together.
Well, I appreciate the cannabis, right? But also I just want to make you aware and the whole team that if I do take some cannabis, whether it's medically or not, you are like saying we see you in about six months because that's like a direct violation for parole. Shit. Oh my God. I'm sorry.
And that means... Basically, you're still incarcerated. You're just serving your time out in society.
I can't travel without permission. I can't move from one house to another house without asking permission. He really can't have any interaction with the police. I can't be around certain people. I can't go to certain establishments.
I can't drink. I cannot smoke a little bit of weed or smoke me a Philly blunt.
Can't do that because if they take the urine and it come up hot, it's a violation.
You paying the parole board a monthly fee to supervise you.
Today is probably the first time I take my car down in six months. Out to a drive. I'm fucking nervous. I'm shaking. I get anxiety.
For a lot of people, driving is something they look forward to doing. Not me. Not me. I hate fucking driving. I hate it. I don't know how to deal with my anxiety when I'm behind the wheel. My anxiety take over to the point where I just want to crash the car somewhere and stop and get out and leave it running. So I just don't drive. I just don't drive.
I am really, really, really afraid to get stopped by the police. The minute they stop you and they find out you're on parole, you're getting handcuffed, now your car is getting searched. And if you don't report that traffic stop to parole, It's a violation of your conditions and they can lock you up.
We got a file for complete commutation from the pardon board.
It's almost like hitting the lottery. You got to have the attorney general's vote and then unanimous vote, basically, before it gets to the governor's office. And then he got to consider it. Like, not easy at all.
I'm coming up on my seven years in November.
Sometimes I do think that I was better off locked up. That's hard to say, but it's the truth. You know, it's the truth. And whoever been locked up 31 years or more and tell you otherwise, it's lying. They lying. I'm still living. I still live like I'm in prison. Like locked up. Like I'm in my fucking jail cell. You know, that's the scary part for me. Because I haven't been able to shake it off.
Listen, I'm going to tell you, don't laugh at this, please. You can laugh.
So we started off singing karaoke with Hector Lavo, and we had a few drinks. Oh, no.
And guess what song we end up singing? Menudo. Suete a mi modo.
And then she recorded me dancing to Marc Anthony. Dancing salsa? I was drunk.
I've never seen drunk Suave.
I'm having two or three of my friends that we've done time with. You know, my friend said something to me. He was like, damn, we walked the prison yard together for decades. And now we're sitting in your backyard drinking beer and eating burnt hot dogs. And they taste good.
I don't have the desire to meet with guys that I did 30, 40 years.
But a lot of it has to do with, y'all not on parole. I'm on parole. It's like a reality check. Like, bro, you really not free, bro. You really not free. You just alone for the ride.
Sometimes it feels like, wow, damn, man, I deserve that chance more than you. I get that feeling sometimes like, you got a chance and you ain't doing shit with it, man. I deserve that chance more than you.
Sometimes, if, oh man, why is I'm saying this on tape, man? But sometimes it just feels, it just feels like, damn, I'm fucking jealous. Like, the fuck?
I do. I have a big ego. Yeah. I can say that now because I'm more comfortable with it. I remember I had a conversation with Julieta about a year ago. And we was talking about, damn, everything good that happened always end up with some bad shit. I always feel guilty about it. And Julieta told me, man, man, listen, you have the right to be happy. I'm like, you know what?
I'm going to celebrate this. It'll be 20 years from now. You can't take that away. I don't care if it's 20 years, 30 years, we won. If I could inspire other young people to believe that they could do the same, why not?
You know, we're not talking about traditional students. We're talking about people that are still living in shelters. We talk about people that are basically homeless coming to school. So the school is a safe haven for them. They come to school early because they don't want to be in the streets.
Being surrounded by younger people They looking at me like a father figure. They do.
You're saying that you sing like Usher, right? He said that. We can't be shy now. Are you ready?
I'm telling you, bro. I'm telling you, bro. You know how much ice cream you can sell out here, bro? You'd be rich selling ice cream out here versus being jailhouse. I'm rich in the yard.
And I'm going to leave it at that. I ain't going to preach to you no more.
All right, bro. Love you, bro. And you better call me again, bro. You better call me soon.
I get phone calls every day, at least 20, 30 phone calls a day from prison. And, you know, guys that never seen a Pulitzer. Right. Calling me, telling about, man, you representing all of us. This is a win for all of us. And it is. When I get phone calls from politicians, you know, they want me to go speak because they're trying to pass a bill for for lifers.
And they think that I'm the poster child. I'm like, at first I used to get pissed off because I'm not a poster child. But now I've realized that like somebody has to be the voice. And this is what it means to being the voice for the voiceless. Bro, no matter how much you try to run from it, you are the voice for those that you left behind. And I'm not running from it. I'm embracing it.
I'm embracing it because I still got hope that them brothers and sisters are going to come home one day.
I just feel sometimes that... Being free is not what everybody think it is. It's really not. And it's not really, everybody hype it up. Like, you're free. You can do whatever you want to do. All your pains and misery are gone. That's bullshit, man. My miseries and pains are just starting. Like, seriously, I never had this much misery and pain in my life when I was in prison. I didn't.
I was shut out from the world. You know, cold. Shut everything down. And out here, you can't do that because you got people looking for you. You got people that want, they lean on you for their support, for their comfort. I don't want to live up to nobody's expectations and none of that. You know, I'm done with that. I am not happy. I'm glad I'm home. I'm glad about that.
But if you say describe happy, I should be able to describe happy. And I can't. I can't. I won't even know how to start to describe happy. Even with a Pulitzer, even what I can't describe it because I'm not.
You know, as much as I like to fake myself out and think that I'm ready to for this life, I wasn't ready. You know, I'm learning how to get through it. But I wasn't I wasn't ready. Nobody gave me a crash course like this is what's going to happen. You know, you got to pay bills. You're going to confront this. You're going to be heartbroken. You're going to have doubts about this.
It's just hard, you know, and. And sometimes from the outside, it looks like I'm living a good life and now, but I'm really not, you know, I'm just getting by.
I'm walking in and I'm looking. And I'm looking at all these expensive suits. I only paid like $90 for my suit.
What's going on for you? This is my first time here like in 45 years when I came out with another kid.
I'm happy that I'm here sharing with my family because I was in prison. This is history.
I don't know how to deal with relationships. I dealt with that relationship the same way I dealt with a cellmate. Me and you are not getting along. You got to move the fuck out the cell. Then you start getting phone calls. What time you get off from work? What are you doing? Oh, I don't know. Mentally, it's like, I'm not ready for this.
I don't know what you're trying to get at with this.
You want to fuck with me, that's how it's going to go down. That's the dude y'all wanted, y'all got him. I swear to my mother's grave.
We go outside, and in my head, I'm thinking, tonight is the night that I realize I'm free. I'm really free. It was like one of the movies that I watch in prison that you know is a sad movie, but at the end, you know when they sit like in the steps and they see the sunlight, you know it's like something magical is gonna happen.
I know what it is. Yeah, this is your man Swap. Yeah, I'm just chilling in the tub, man. Ready to take a shot of bath. But I just want to introduce y'all, man. Yo, this is the adventures of Swap Gonzalez and his Pulitzer. So, yeah, I'm in the tub with my Pulitzer. I'm ready to give my Pulitzer a shower because, you know, we got to stay clean, man.
You know, we just can't be too in the...
I'm not a pussy. I'm not a pussy at all. What make you think you could try me and I'm not going to react? Because if I get triggered, somebody's going to get hurt. Real hurt. Not fake hurt. Real hurt.
Because I already know where you're going.
Season four in life. Listen, season one, I was living life. I wasn't having fun. I was fucking boring. I was, I wouldn't say stressed out, but I was out of touch with my community, if you want to call it that. I'm living the hood, but I was out of touch. I chose to do that. Now it's like, man, fuck, I'm gone. I'm gonna have some fun. And I know that it can lead to destruction ways.
I know that already. And I'm trying not to, you know, cross that destructive path. But I'm having fun on all levels. I'm having fun. So with season two, I'm hoping that people get it, man. Like, we human beings, we just been... deny certain things because of our incarceration. I'm a human being. I'm only 30 right now. I came home when I was 21.
You know, I mean, I'm looking at it in them terms, right?
I've been awarded like three different awards. Well, there's been a couple of new stories.
I was given a second chance for a reason. Making music. Making music. That's something that I'm doing, you know. You ain't wanna hold me back.
I started my own true crime, true story episodes of podcasts with different people. As Lieutenant Governor, what is your position on juvenile lifers coming home and being on parole for life?
It was pack house, really. I'm talking about, we had to turn people away.
Ashley Biden, as in that Biden, the former president's daughter. She lives in Philadelphia and has been an outspoken supporter of criminal justice reform. Okay. And she's like, So that's where we are today. You could say that it's a new day for Suave. But really, it's a whole new life. You know, Mr. Pulitzer is killing it.
At this point, I don't give a fuck who go to jail or not. Y'all poke the teddy bear, not y'all got the grisly bear. And the reason? The reason, as the cliche goes, is that you can leave prison, but prison never really leaves you.
No, this is the thing. Motherfucker, if a white man come in here with a Grammy Award and tell you that cheesesteak is not right, excuse me, sir, we're going to make it right for you.
That shit plays in my egos. I was like, yes. You love it. I do. You love it. Listen, I ain't gonna lie. And, you know, the young people tend to have this swag with it. Yeah. My old head's got a Pulitzer that's bigger than a Grammy. It's bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce. I was like, whoa. They was like, you should collaborate with Kendrick Lamar.