Sturm Wurm
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
Yeah, so about a year ago, I got a lap dance. from a guy. And I came in my... Couple of days later, I downloaded the Grindr app. Within an hour, I was getting head in a parking lot. 10 other messages from dudes within a one mile radius begging me to suck my dick. You know? It's always looked like the gays are having more fun.
After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that theory is correct. I mean, my life is so gay, I might as well be fucking dudes. Pretty sure I'm not a homosexual, but I can't keep going along with this farce that I'm in some stalemate tie with all of y'all for being the straightest motherfucker that's ever lived. Fighting off the gay is exhausting.
To tie a ribbon on it from this point forward.
I was like, yeah, I got to go through more with this. And then I went, I did the Tinder thing. I mean, the Grindr thing. Like, it was as lame as every hookup I've ever had with a girl. Like, it was.
Uh, yeah. This is like two and a half years ago at this point. This is six months after I was on the podcast last time.
Trust me, it's the illest podcast in the history of the universe.
Did it have a cool gay name? I don't know whether they're supposed to be doing that in there.
I don't know whether that's supposed to be going on in there. A lap dance? I mean, it was a dude that worked there. It was like a go-go dancer.
It was arousing. I think same-gender lap dances are arousing.
Like I said, instantly, like I even have a picture up. Instantly, I'm getting a million messages saying, I'll suck your dick right now.
I took one of them up on the offer.
It was... No, I was just... It was... Like, I didn't even get hard. It was the same problem when I tried to hook up with chicks back in the day. It's just, when you're under pressure, it's just tough to get aroused. Like, back in the day when Kill Tony was at the comedy store, yeah, when it was at the comedy store, there was mad dudes who used to always say that they don't come during sex.
That's not a real thing for guys. If you're turned on, you come unless you purposely don't come. But they weren't not coming. They just weren't getting turned on.
A week later, I gave a guy a head in his bedroom. I don't fucking care. I'm out here, yo. Like, if you sexually suppress, then you're less attractive to girls. Do I think I don't like girls? Nah, I do think I like girls, but am I fucked up in the head sexually? Yeah, I've been fucked up in the head sexually for 20 years. I've been checked out of the game. I just tried to be a rapper.
Yeah. Yo, dig up. Yo, they got my water out there. Can I get it?
I got a water back there. Can I get it? Heidi was going to bring it to me. You need water right now? Yeah, yeah, my mouth is very dry. Okay, yes. And then the other thing, thanks. And then the other thing is, I have an OnlyFans. It's a free OnlyFans. I started like two years ago.
No, no, I show videos how I could actually get hard when I'm not feeling pressure, and I show videos when it's all shriveled up. I jerk off.
I've been working so hard on my podcast that I haven't been doing comedy, but I have a zillion comedy minutes. Like, I have 15 free minutes.
Yeah, I mean, to me, I think that shit's funny. I know it's not, like, joke joke funny, but, like, to me, like... It's not, like, ha-ha funny. I think it is, but I mean, I guess I have no sense of humor. I have a podcast episode called I Have No Sense of Humor. Okay.
I can't spit? A verse? One verse? You can cut me off.
The rays of the sunshine brighter after rain. I started writing rhymes so that I could share my pain. No matter where you're from, man, shit could get real. I was told the sky is blue. I see it more as teal. Stuck in a slump. Can't seem to find a groove. Catch me out here chasing dreams, trying to make moves. Getting fucked by life every day, being screwed.
I gotta win, cause so far all I've done is lose. Lately,
Never heard of them. And don't want to hear of them.