Stephen Chandler
Appearances
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
and you will have greater success in the long run.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I will say this, you've gotta do the visionary work when you're single before you bring anybody into the picture. What does that look like? So, my children, I got three kids, eight, six, and three, and our new obsession is puzzles. So we'll build 1000 piece, 5000 piece puzzle or whatever. And if you ever built a puzzle, you know, the picture is on the cover of the box. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And then all of your time is just trying to create the picture that you see. A lot of people go into dating and they've never established a picture of marriage that they want to build. So you've got to start with what is my end destination? Where do I want to go? Do you remember back in the day before there was GPS and you had to go on a computer and punch your directions in and all that?
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It says MapQuest or whatever. All that other stuff. What's your current location and what's your final destination? Let me give you some final destination questions. Not just I want to be married, but what do we want our life to look like financially?
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
what do i want our life to look like romantically what do i want our life to look like with communication and all that now that i've got a picture and it can't be too specific that only one person on the globe can fit into this picture. But man, a woman or a man, they can fit into that picture. Now I'm out just looking for who's the person that can fit into the picture that I have.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So that's step one, you gotta have a vision. Step two is don't waste your time with anybody who can't fit into that picture. Be intentional. But in the beginning, you know, exchange numbers, we go on a date, whatever it may be, we've decided we're gonna date and be exclusive. It is so important that that first season, and if you ask me, I'll give you a timeline, if you don't, I won't push it.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
What's the timeline? I say this, no shorter than 12 weeks and not much longer than eight months.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Of just having fun. Oh, really? And what I find is some people, they get too heavy too soon. So it's like the first date. how many kids you wanna have. What's your credit score? What's your idea of wealth? And it's just like, I don't even know you and I don't even know if I like you. Let's just enjoy life because friendship is one of the greatest foundations of any healthy marriage.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So let me go out on a limb. What is in a person's heart will come out their mouth. It is impossible for what is in your heart not to come out of your mouth. So in that, yes, you're having fun, but you're observing. You're watching. Hold on. We've been together for six months. You've never even mentioned your parents. That's going to be very obvious. Hey, we've been hanging out for four months.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You've never introduced me to your friends. Without interrogating them, if you're paying attention, you may not know if they want to have kids or not. I'm going to get in trouble. But if that's the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, that may not be a deal breaker once you fall in love with them.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
This conversation, it might end a few relationships. Hopefully it starts some too. I was dating this girl. I was actually in high school at the time. And I was dating this girl and my mom just couldn't stand her. But my mom knew I was stubborn enough that if she told me, I'd have stayed in it a lot longer. And she said something along the lines of, she said two things.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
She said, one, Steven, I'm pretty much the same girl I was when I was 16. And she's like 54 at the time. She said, I've matured and all that, but my personality is this. What she was saying is, Steven, you're waiting for this girl to change. And she's not going to change. The other thing she said is, pick somebody that you wouldn't mind raising your children.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
which is kind of like what you just said. Yeah, wouldn't mind raising them, yeah, yeah. Listen, a lot of us will stay in a toxic relationship because we're like, I can handle it. You know, it looked crazy, but you know, I can deal with it and all. But then when you kind of step back and you do what you said, if I wasn't here, is this who I want my daughter to become like?
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It's just what I want my son to become. Is their values what I want to shape the legacy of? All of a sudden, you begin to narrow that and say, no, no. Or, and this is for some of the people that are watching this conversation, there's a good friend that you've kept in the friend zone for a long time.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And if you were to take a step back and you'd realize this is the type of person that has the values that I want my family to have. And maybe you're overlooking someone that you shouldn't be.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Well, let me give you the answer that you probably wouldn't expect the pastor to say. Physical matters. Physical matters. You see before you hear. You see before you experience. And I believe God made us that way. I think there is someone for everybody. So I think everybody is attractive to somebody. But at the end of the day, I've got to wake up next to you.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Every single day I've got to lay eyes on you. And I know we grow, life change, bodies change and all that. But I don't think that physical attraction should be discredited or ignored. And I mean, let's be real. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone that they're not attracted to me, but they like my mind or, you know, I've got a great personality. I'm a good person. Yeah.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You don't want to hear that. So I think physical attraction is the first step. The issue is most people, it's kind of like credit cards or whatever it may be, most people don't have the self-control. to be able to manage the physical attraction. That's important. It's a part, but it's not the totality. And I've gotta be intentional enough.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Okay, physical attraction is ticked off on the list, but now let me go deeper and see if there's other things there that make it worth taking a step forward. So I wouldn't discredit it altogether. And you said in your 20s, well, that's some of the most immature seasons of our lives. Ain't nobody thinking very deep in their 20s, so.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Really? Okay. So I'm in good trouble again. So when I got married, I was 26. I wanted to get married at 23. I blame my wife. I'm like, I don't know what she was. She was wasting my time. Where was she at? But, um, I got married when I was 26. She was 25. How long were you dating for? Okay. Why are you getting me in trouble? Okay. So here's the whole story. We dated for 10 months.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So first date was December. Actually, no. I'm talking about first date to marriage. Wow. So how long did you know her for? That's the thing. Two years. Okay. So we knew her. We knew her. She knew my family. We were friends for two years. So it wasn't something I was learning. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, first date in December. We got married in August. So not even a full year. But...
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And you said, man, if I got married in my 20s, there'd be so many challenges that I'd face. We faced all of them. Really? You're 100% right. But here's the deal. When you get married in your 30s, you face those challenges. When you get married in your 40s, you face those challenges. So here's what I'll tell people. It's like investing for retirement.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
The earlier you start, that compound interest, sorry.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
One of the things that I say in the book is that marriage was never supposed to be done in isolation. I actually tell people, do not date or marry someone that doesn't have great mentors in their life, whether it's family members or just wise counsel in their life.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And those difficult seasons that you talk about that I'd like to submit nobody gets through marriage without facing those difficult seasons. And you come out stronger on the other side. When you've got wise mentors around you, what are they going to tell you? Ah! We've been through the same thing. Oh, you want to kill each other? Yeah, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You'll make it through. Oh, you're just being prideful. You need to humble yourself. Oh, no, that's major. Y'all need to go to counseling. You've got people to walk you through the journey. And all of a sudden you realize, no, this is normal. This is powerful. A lot of people jump out of a marriage because they didn't have anybody in their life to tell you, this is normal.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Most people go, it's going to sound bad. I think every married couple at some point in their life have secretly thought, oh God, I married the wrong person. Really? Oh, I just made the worst decision of my life. That's just part of the journey. But if you don't have wise people in your life, you're going to think, A, you're the only person experiencing this.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And B, this is a reason to make a lifetime change. When the right mentor in your life is able to say, No. Then they're done that. That's normal. Or, no, it is as major as you think it is. And this may be a reason for a lifetime change.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Yeah, I think one of the things that I had to learn in marriage is while I believe as a husband it's my job to lead my family, it is more important for me to love my family than to lead my family. So in our space, you know, especially, you know, most of your audience, they're trying to maximize their life. They're building phenomenal careers, businesses and all that other good stuff.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You see almost everything in your life as what's the opportunity? What's the next major thing? And I realized I was pushing my wife to accomplish goals. that she didn't have for herself. And didn't slow down enough to realize not what do you see her as, but what's in her heart that she wants to do.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
That's what I did in every other area of my life. Push everything. As opposed to just, how can I be in love? Absolutely. And I was missing the opportunity to create memories and moments because I could only see what was next, which is I mean, it's immaturity. But you imagine we all do it, though.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
The danger of vision is panic and insecurity. If you feel like that vision is possibly not going to come to pass, you begin to push at unhealthy paces and you can bring that into a relationship. Yeah. So...
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
One was I thought marriage was going to bring a relief from the exhaustion of leading and building. The weight. The weight of it, that emotional drain. And when I was in the marriage and still as exhausted as I was before, I'm like, oh, dude, you're doing something wrong because it's not bringing the relief. And then you realize, oh, it was me all along. It wasn't this person or whatever else.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It's not going to fix something or solve something. I think one thing that we don't talk about in terms of this journey of vision and greatness is there is some peace that comes with success.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But I think some of my goals started to become accomplished. And I began to realize, okay, Steven, you can calm down. You can slow down. And also, if you don't, you're not going to like the person you're becoming. Really? So you probably need to... take a step back. Really?
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And I think feeling the exhaustion when I thought it'd be gone after marriage and some of those goals being accomplished at ages far before I thought they were going to be accomplished, I realized, okay, you kind of need to chill out a little bit and live life, not just drive life.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Life will always give you opportunities that are not worth taking. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So the only destination for dating is marriage. And if you go into dating and marriage is not your intention, not that you have to marry the first person you date, but if that's not your intention to find a spouse, you will get yourself in trouble. One of my thoughts is... That was me. A marriage license...
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Thank you.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Thank you. ,,,,
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
is the only license that they will give you with no training, no education, no test that you have to pass. Isn't that crazy? If you tell them you want one, they'll just hand it to you. And there's principles that we apply to building business, to getting into shape, fitness, to building wealth. And there's principles to relationships just as much.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But if you don't know to look for them, you're not going to find them.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You used a perfect phrase, a growth mindset. Because I cannot change anyone, but we all have to change as life changes. If that person does not come with a growth mindset themselves, Oh, I'm in trouble. So what I'm looking for, and I think that's a great way to kind of sum up the red flags. There are really no red flag deal breaker run for your life for a person who has a growth mindset.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Because whatever that flag is, it's only temporary. The red flag is this person has zero interest in becoming the best version of themselves. Run.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Okay. Well, God is easy. That's the easy one. It's God's job to change everybody. Everybody else, leave that to him. That's not your job. So that was easy. Who? The man and the woman's role. So let me... Let me start. I ain't scared. Let's do this. Let's start off with this. Let's talk basketball. You use the same analogy I use. Listen. You use the same one I use. I love this.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Let's take male and female roles out of the equation. And let's just say this. Somebody got to play point guard.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It's only one basketball, okay? We can't both bring it up with the court at the same time? Somebody's got to be center. Somebody's got to get that rebound. Somebody's got to start the fast break. There is no, let's say it this way, there is no organization. that does not have clearly defined roles. No successful organization. No successful organization.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
There might be some that literally, but that's why they're not successful. Exactly. I'm a pastor. Obviously, I believe the Word of God is the way to live. A lot of people don't realize this. The marriage and family was the first organization ever created in Scripture. Before there was business, before there was church, before there was government, there was family.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I'm making you uncomfortable already. You know what's funny? You said, what's off limits? And I'm like, nothing. And then you start with what's off limits. No. So I have phenomenal parents. My mom and my dad were married for 34 years. My mom passed away from cancer in 2013, which is actually the same year I got married. But so I had that model of 34 years of a beautiful marriage to watch.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So when you look at the family as an organization, there are roles.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It is my belief that you're free to disagree with me. I think the band has a few roles. I think one of the primary roles is to protect. I think it is the man's role for his spouse, for his children to protect physically and to protect emotionally, which is very interesting in this generation because some of the greatest threats to our family won't come at the front door.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It's going to come through the Internet. And I've got to know what's on my kids' phones and what's on their tablets. And I've got all that other kind of stuff. So I think protection is major. I think it is the man's role to be the provider of the household. And this is where I get in trouble. Are you saying a woman can't make more than a man? And what if she makes more than a man?
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And do you believe in stay-at-home dads? This is where I will get canceled. I do not believe in stay-at-home dads. And I'll tell you why real quick. If you're going to cancel me, let me say this first. Because I don't think work is about money. What's work about? I think work is about God's place you on this earth to fix a problem that nobody else can fix but you.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And it has nothing to do with income. And I think as a man in particular, if you haven't figured out what the problem on this earth for you to solve is, there will always be a discontent on the inside and has nothing to do with income.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Are you saying that raising kids is not a man's purpose? Let me get in trouble. I don't think it's a woman's purpose because them kids are going to be there for 18 years. That woman's going to live for 60, 70, 80 years. I think even women need to have a purpose outside of, I just want to raise kids and then sit around for my grandkids. Like, no, there's a greater impact.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Not there's anything wrong with that. And once again, fulfilling your purpose doesn't have to come with an income. So I'm not saying everybody has to be out here working in corporate America or whatever else it may be. I love how you're looking at me like this guy's going back himself into a corner. So when it comes to provision, here's what I would say for a man.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You've got to make enough money for your family to have a roof over their head and food on the table. If your wife makes a lot more than you, great. It just means the quality of life, the level of living, the experience that you're going to have are going to be greater. But if she does not want to work, we will have a house to live in. We will have food on the table.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
We'll have clothes on our back. And everything after that is icing on the cake.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And you may not like me for this, but that's what I said before you date him. Have your vision. And when you're interested and you're looking to spend, does this person fit into my vision? And here's what's difficult. It's not fair 10 years into your marriage to switch the vision.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
with this level of living before you met those people, it's not fair to now have a resentment towards someone that they're not fulfilling a promise that they never made.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And if you married a growth mindset person.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
They will deal with you. Of course. The issue is I got somebody who doesn't have that growth mindset.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But nobody's perfect. And everybody has their own, you know, things that they bring to a marriage and a relationship and all that. So I had great picture of what it could be. And I also had a great picture of what I didn't want.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So we do this, you know, singles night and I mean, this last was 3000 singles and it was, you know, Q and A and all that. And one of the number one question from women, especially women in their thirties was, you know, I've got, you know, three master's degrees, six figure income. I've got my 401k. I will, I will. I've got my home. Literally.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I will not settle for a man who cannot match me financially. And I said, you know, let my wife take this. Well, my wife made more money than me when we got married. I was a pastor of a church of 50 people. Yeah, making nothing. Nothing. She was a nurse. I mean, first of all, nurses make good money and then she could take all the overtime she wanted.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So if her decision was strictly financial, I wouldn't have had a shot. But, and so they asked her, well, why did you marry him? Because he was broke. And here's the funny thing. My wife had no debt. I brought all the debt. Oh, man. Student loans, car debt. It was a mess. That's why you justified $100,000. Don't give up on a guy with debt. I got caught. But here's what she said.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
She said it was a simple decision because I married a man with a vision. And she said, a man with money and no vision is not guaranteed to have money for long. But a man with no money, a vision, and the track record that he has the work ethic to accomplish that vision. She said, I followed him because he had the proof that he was going to work. And he had a vision of where he was going.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You can't evaluate somebody based on their net worth.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Because that is a temporary... measurement. You've got to evaluate them based on their vision, based on their work ethic and based on the proof that they accomplish what they say they're going to accomplish.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So this conversation started with what's a man's role? What's a woman's role? And, you know, everything's fluid nowadays and everybody could do whatever. But no, because women do have a need for security. Will say, oh, she just wants him for his money. She's a gold digger. No, hold on. Maybe it is there's an internal need in women of, I need to feel secure.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And part of security is, is there going to be a roof over my head and food on the table? What women have done is, well, I don't want to trust him for the security because he may walk out the door and now I'm high and dry, so I will go out and get it myself. But it's not just all about, I just want money and I want to live a great life with my friends.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It is a God instilled need in women to feel security. And it is the man's job to provide that security.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
i will say yes in the um thought wrong in the reaction i do not want to put all of my thought hopes and trust in a man providing security great while i'm dating while i'm giving him time to prove to me who he is yeah that's the time don't trust him make him prove himself
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You're going to trust them with your kids, but not your financial future. And here's what it really comes down to. It begins to show us where money falls in our life. Because we will give somebody our body. We'll give them our kids, but we will not trust them with our money. What's more important? We would all say, my physical health. My children mean so much more to me than my money.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I had no roadmap. Exactly. I always laugh and joke. I've been married for 11 years, going on 12. I got three kids and I'm still waiting for the intimacy talk from my dad. Never came in middle school, never came in high school. It was kind of just like, go figure it out. So a lot of us leave home and nobody gave us that roadmap. But I'm blessed to have had some great mentors in my life.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But if we look at the number one thing we talk about, and we look at the hierarchy that we put our trust in, money is usually the last area. Why is that? Because money, uh-oh, plug for the book, is so connected to our hearts and our worldview. And a lot of us have not done the work of unpacking that connection between money and our heart.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So it really is not, I don't trust this person with my money.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It's just that simple. I thought I trusted them with my heart. But when you realize I actually haven't handed my whole life to them, it's the fact that I don't trust them with my heart. In healthy marriage, trust is built. Nobody's been married for 24 hours. And they 100% trust the person that they're, it takes time, and that's the beauty of building a relationship.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
The man is also the visionary of the household. And that's, once again, very sensitive. But it is a man's job to say, here is where I believe our marriage, our family, our finances, our children, our children's education, this is where it can go or this is where it should go. You're having fun with getting in trouble. You're going to get comments.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But you will find a lot of women that have to drive vision and conversations in their relationships and in their marriage. They will say, I do it because I have to, because he won't. Because he's not leading. Not because I want to. And a lot of women that step out of relationships, they'll say, because I had to lead him and I did it. You know what's so funny?
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
There's these natural things inside of us that we respond to. But then when somebody wants to write it on a piece of paper and say, this is a man's, we pushed back against them. A lot of women, some may, I want to call the shots and I want to lead and everything like that. But a lot of them are like, I'm doing it because I have to, not because I want to.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
The Bible says wives are to submit to their husband, not be submissive. There is a difference. And some women are like, I am pushing back and asking all these questions because I want to fully understand. And when I fully understand, I'm going to give my all to it. Interesting. I'm going to be honest. Sometimes our insecurity doesn't like to be questioned.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Let's switch this to the business role. If you are a CEO, entrepreneur, business leader, and you've got some thoroughbreds around you, they are going to question your vision and you want them to poke holes in the plan because they're watching your back. But if you're insecure, you're going to see it as rebellion, as attack, as they're trying to divide the company or whatever.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
One gentleman told me, he said, Steven, there are two decisions that will define the rest of your life. what you do with God and who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. He said a lot of other decisions you can undo, you can redo, but those two, he said you can't get those two wrong.
The School of Greatness
Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And you will find an insecure leader will not have great leaders around them because they won't give them space to think for themselves. Bring it back into your marriage. Sometimes we all have ego. Anybody who says they don't have ego, they're lying. So I felt this of telling my wife, hey, babe, we're going here. And she was like, well, what about this? Don't question me.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And then I had to realize, dude, she's questioning you because it was a half-baked idea. And you had holes that you didn't even see. And I can't see every question as threatening my masculinity or whatever it may be. So A, some of those, you know, that woman, you know, she won't follow me. No, she's just asking so she can be fully gone in. And then some women, something in their past,
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
has taught them i can't trust anybody else but myself and they're responding through fear instead of through what your track record has proven that you can be trusted with yes so that's why dating the right person yeah and making the right decision before you say i do and not sleeping with them so that your judgment is not off.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It's so major because once you've said, I do, doesn't mean you can't undo it, but the amount of collateral damage. It's a lot. It's a lot.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
The Bible says he who finds a good wife finds favor from the Lord. A lot of people think it says he who finds a wife finds favor. No, no. There's thousands of wives out here. Not a lot of good ones.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So it takes a lot of time and intentionality to find who you want to trust with your future. And it's the same thing, you know, especially when it comes to the biblical world. There's all this pushback. You know, why do I got to submit to a husband? Women hate that verse. And I like that word, right? It is. I'm not going to say easy because nothing in life is easy.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But it's not as difficult to submit to a husband that you love where he's going. and you like the vision and you want to be a part of that vision. And wives realize you get to pick what vision you submit to. So pick well.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And they're major decisions.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And with that thought and a lot of more kind of ideas in that space really kind of just brought intentionality from Jung.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
When you think about marriage, I would divide it out into different spaces. There's family, there's finances, there are extended in-laws, there's career, all that other good stuff. And I think one role of a woman is to be the nurturer in the home, not the only one. Us men, we have to be nurturing. And it does not mean that women have to stay home with the kids or they shouldn't.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
That is every family's specific decision. And anybody says everybody should do that is just naive. However, God has given women a sensitivity, a connection to their emotions that's a lot more challenging for men that is easier for them to create that nurturing type of environment, whether you have no kids or whatever it may be.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So that's one. Two, it... I heard a pastor say, when you think of the word submission, just think of the broken out, support the mission. So it is the wife's job to support the mission, which in one season of the marriage, may mean I'm out here working, making more money than my husband because that supports the mission of our family for this season. It may mean the exact opposite.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It may mean that I step away from my career and I'm home with the children for a season because it supports the mission, not that he has, but that we've set for our family. So you can't say women should stay home with the kids or women should be out here working or whatever it may be. It's what is the mission that we've mutually agreed upon is the mission for our family.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And how do I support that in this season? I love that. I say, um, This is kind of using a biblical term, but the word prophecy or prophetic. I think one of a woman's role in a marriage is to be the prophetic voice, which prophecy, the word really means to encourage.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
The two most important decisions you will make in your life.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
to put courage in and one of the roles of a woman is to say we got we can do this we can accomplish this now we and us guys sometimes we are so in our head and we are our worst critics and i mean it's a minor mistake and in our head it is the biggest thing ever And when you've got that right woman in your corner, I said, no, you're overthinking it. No, the goal can still be accomplished.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
No, we still... It breathes life into the family. And it brings you to goals that you would have given up on if you were by yourself.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I think... one of the things that both men and women struggle with just in marriage in particular is i'm going to lose my identity i think women struggle with this more but i'm going to be overshadowed there are going to be things that um i want to accomplish that i'm not going to be able to accomplish because we're you know serving my spouse's vision in this season or whatever
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Life is all about giving up something you want for something you want more. What do I want? I wanna be on vacation 12 months a year. That's what I want. What do you want more? I want to build a legacy. I want to build greatness. I want to build an impact. So yes, I'm going to give up Cancun for 12 months out of the year. But what I get in return is greater than what I gave up. Forget marriage.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Ooh, I will say it is very difficult. And here's why. There's a verse in the Bible that says, if you've received love, comfort, joy from God, consider others' needs above your else. Your own. Say that one more time. If you've received love, joy, peace, comfort from God, consider others needs above your own.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
There is no relationship that you don't have to compromise and give up part of your dream. What makes it worth it? What I get back is greater than anything that I've given up. So guys or girls, when you get married, you're going to have to slow down a little bit. Because when you were single, you made a decision and you acted on it. You had nobody to check in with.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And slowing down for drivers is frustrating sometimes because it's just like, I've already thought it through. I've already made a decision. Let's go. But slowing down and making that decision with someone who has massive talent and gifting and ability is going to make the results of that decision phenomenal. far greater than they would have been if I was by myself.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So yes, I gave up the speed at which I love to go through life in, but the reward, it's worth it. So that fear of I'm gonna lose part of myself and I'm not gonna relieve that fear. You will lose part of yourself in that marriage, but you lost part of yourself when you launched that business.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
You lost part of yourself when you had those kids and that's life you're developing and it's worth it when you see the goal on the other side.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Come on, it's been a fun journey. I'm going to kind of turn it heavy for a second, but it's okay. It's going to resonate with a lot of people. My mom ended up passing away in 2013. And I got engaged the first week of February. She passed away the last week of February. So she passed away three weeks after we got married. She was 54.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And, you know, when someone's coming to the end of their life, life comes in perspective. And the things that matter, matter. And the things that you thought mattered, you realize at this point. And so the greatest piece of advice I got was from my mom. And she said, Stephen, if I had known, I was only going to spend 34 years with your dad.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Some of the things that I was dogmatic about, I now realize they don't matter. So in marriage, pick which heels you're going to die on. And I'll even say this, three or less. Don't have a lot of them. I will not compromise on this. And then other things, we can talk, we can disagree. but don't make it World War III.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Some of the dumb stuff we get in a relationship, ah, my husband bought a red car and I hate red cars. But at the end of the day, nobody cares. You drive the car for five years, you can get a blue one next, it doesn't matter. But in that moment, it seems like the biggest deal in the world or, man, I don't like the house. This is gonna get me in trouble.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
My wife did not like the house that we bought after we got married.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
and i'm a little bit of a bulldozer so you know i asked her and i got her permission but looking back i probably kind of you know pushed her into something that and we ended up living there for two and a half years we thought it was gonna be a forever home no you're out work change and we ended up and she said later man that taught me something that even when i disagreed with your decision
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It wasn't a lifetime decision and it wasn't worth the emotional. So the less wars you have in a marriage, the better. And when you look back, you're going to find out that wasn't worth it.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I got two more. Make great memories. Make great memories. One mentor told me, accomplished great things in life. The one thing I regret is I did not enjoy the journey. And he said now then I'm coming to the end of it.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
One of the keys of making a relationship thrive is when you're in that relationship more for what you can give than what you can get. But if I'm living life from a deficit, I will look at every relationship of what I can get out and I will. What I need. What I need. And I will bankrupt that relationship because no human was designed to give me everything that I need.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I wish I had stopped to celebrate more along the way Yeah, so I think that that would be number two and then I think the third one is what a lot of people don't think about Marriage family, whatever make it more than just about y'all You use the word purpose. I think there are individual purposes, but there's also a purpose to a union and to a marriage. And I believe God brings people together.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But why did he do it? It wasn't just for our joy. It wasn't just for our legacy. So what is the impact we can have as a couple? What is the blessing we can have the people have some of the greatest joy you're going to get in life is from blessing people who cannot bless you back.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And I think in a marriage, if you would just take a time to say, hey, who can we have an impact on that we want nothing in return from them? At the end of your life, some of your greatest joy is going to be the people that we impacted. And we'll find out just the joy it brought us. We received far more than we ever gave.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
When I tell you this woman has expanded my universe, it will happen to everyone. I don't think God puts the total skill set in one individual. So all of us, whether it's people skills, whether it's dry, all of us are deficient in some area. And when you marry someone who their strengths are your deficiency. I'm an introvert. I love one-on-one relationships. Crowds freak me out.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I'm just like... You're speaking on stage every week. Which is wild because you wouldn't think that at all, but I tell the church, this stage is my little box. This is my world. My wife is, I mean, crowds, life of the party. People, let's hang out, hug, yeah, yeah. And she has introduced me to spaces and worlds that Stephen by himself would have never ventured into.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Now, vice versa, because I pastor and all that kind of stuff, I see crowds. I know how to move crowds. My wife sees individuals. So I'm thinking about the crowd and my wife's like, hey, don't forget about this person. Hey, go text this person. I'll call this person or whatever.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And now I'm able to care for people on a level that is outside of my skill set or temperament because of the helpmate biblical word that God has given me and vice versa. I've been able to put my wife in front of crowds when she sees individuals. Wow, that's cool. It multiplies your effectiveness. Wow, man, that's beautiful.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Steven R. Chandler, everything. Steven R. Chandler. Everything. IG and all that. And it's with a PH. And it's still Steven.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Absolutely. So when I found my identity in God, I found comfort in God, I found inner peace in God, then I can step into a relationship not in a deficit and I can have the desire to serve more than receive. And you know how it works. It's the reciprocity. When I give, I always get back more than I ever was able to give. So it's like I was saying, impossible. But it's very difficult.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Man, that got emotional. That's major. And it was really easy. The first one is I was placed on this earth by God on purpose, for a purpose. And I lived my life to fulfill that purpose. I'm not a mistake. It was a happen chance. It was intentional by my creator. My second thought is this, that the people who know me the best respect me the most.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I think it is easy for crowds to revere you because they don't really know you. It is the people who know you the most that I want to respect me the best. And then I think the final thing is I did not let pain or inconvenience keep me from maximizing my greatness. Everybody in life has adversity that you've got to push through. And every time you push through, it's always worth it.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
But it is so tempting not to push through.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I'm grateful for you.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Ooh, that's one I had to work out. Greatness is maximizing the potential and resources that you have. So I've got to say this. It is not competition with somebody else because we all have different resources. We have different opportunities. You are in a race against yourself and nobody else.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
I get in trouble as a pastor for this because obviously I'm a pastor, so it's God first, God over everything, which is 100% true. But I will tell people shared faith is not enough reason to marry somebody. It is a part of a healthy marriage, but it is not the totality.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
of a healthy marriage and, you know, even in the church community for your Christian audience, we're told, you know, find a Christian that's better for your life with them. And yeah, it's a little bit more than that.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
If I haven't unpacked past pain, if I don't have a clear vision for what I want to build, I don't know how to communicate, if I haven't found peace internally, if I haven't gotten over this selfishness deal and a heart to actually serve I can bankrupt a relationship and still have God in my life and still bankrupt that relationship.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Here's how I would describe that. It would be as if someone went to medical school, finished residency, and their career path is I'm going to be a doctor. and they decide to take a three-year job working at a construction firm. Good job, great job. Pay the bills, yeah, we'll meet great people. It will not move you towards the goal of being a physician. It won't prepare you. It's sideways energy.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
It's a detour. And if you're living an intentional life, And you've got a destination. I'm not even saying marriage is the destination. Let's say greatness is the destination. The more detours you take, the more you delay getting to where you want to go. And if we were humble enough, we would say there's people that we dated that were detours. That were an absolute detour.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
and potentially the more damaged your heart is. which takes time to unpack and heal, which delays. Here's one of the things people are, oh, we dated, we had a good time. It didn't work out. You know, it was no big deal. No, no, no, no. The most valuable thing you have is your time. Not your money. You could always make more money. You can never make more time.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And the Bible says, wherever your time goes, your heart is going to follow it. So is it possible to spend one year, two year, three year with someone your heart not go, and there'd be a sense of devastation when it does not work out.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Trust again.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
As I'll talk to people, single folks or whatever, they'll say, you know, all men are, or all women are. And I'm like, you haven't met all men. You haven't, but... you are now seeing a lens of the world from one person you encountered and had a negative experience with. It takes time to unpack that.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Nobody lives a perfect life, but the more of that you can avoid, the faster you can make progress towards a goal you have for your life.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
So there's a couple of aspects to that. One is it literally does impair your ability to make healthy decisions. Almost everybody would admit, I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have. And I can't quite explain to you why I did. I knew it wasn't gonna work. I knew it wasn't the one. And six months later, I'm still there trying to make it work.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And what they don't realize is the physical intimacy brought a sense of responsibility mentally that I have to help this person through whatever they're struggling with or help them accomplish this goal or whatever. And it blinds your judgment of red flags, yellow flags. It delays the exit parachute because you're more committed than you ought to be.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And it's one of the, that's going to sound bad, it's one of the most shallow levels to pick a partner off of. Because, oh, you know, we have great intimacy. Yeah, but, you know, that could be true with a litany of people. We have great conversation. Uh-oh, that narrows the list. Man, we have shared vision and dreams. Oh, that even narrows the list.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
Man, when I'm around them, they replenish me and they build. There are a lot deeper levels to make decisions on than just sexual compatibility or whatever it may be. But once you start there, you get stuck there. And it's harder to evaluate someone at any other level.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
The other thing is, it puts you in a position because it is my belief that we were made by God for sex. So it puts you in the position to make a decision faster. When, I could date you for five years, I could date you for 10 years because there's no physical urgency that is driving me to make a decision.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
If we are not having it. Because then we're like, we want it. Because it is a godly desire. It is a godly desire. It is an outlet of stress, all that other kind of stuff. So when I don't have it, it's like, okay, I've got to figure out how can I put myself in a position where that's a part of my life.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
And if marriage is the only option for me, then I'm going to be a lot more intentional about getting to marriage faster. So I'm not going to date people that I know are not marriage material. Interesting. I'm not going to stay in a relationship that I know is not headed towards marriage. I will have a lot higher standards. Can I say it this way?
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
When I want to have sex and I've relegated it to marriage.
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Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
here's what i will say it depends on what else is on the table because just like god is not the totality of every relationship sex is not either so if you take sex off the table but you still can't communicate you still don't have clear vision um there's not going to be much joy there right um but if you are taking sex off the table because you're making a decision i'm going to be intentional about this entire process i am telling you you will have greater joy