Stephanie Allynne
Appearances
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Just people being, but you're not gay. Just a vibe of like, it's going to run its course. And it wasn't being received in a way of like, oh, you're in love. Nobody was discouraging. It was, I could just sense that sort of, A vibe.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
I really feel that way though. And I kind of blows my mind because when we got together, we were so in love and just have always been in love. That was the thing. Yes. I'm in love with Tig and Tig's a woman, but it's, and I think I went more in the direction of, oh my God, like labels are so dumb and I, you can fall in love with anyone.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
It took time and sort of my own allowing myself to process of like, oh, I actually don't... I'm not attracted to men. And I don't think I could ever be in love with a man. And oh, that means I actually am gay and I missed this whole part of myself, which blows my mind. And then I had to go... So what am I attracted to? What is my sexuality? And what is my sexuality completely separate from tick?
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
You know, and that when you're married with kids to go through that, I felt like it was very hard because I, I, it had nothing to do with our relationship. It's like, of course, this is still strong. And of course I'm still in love, but I need to figure this piece out. Because I want to know it about myself. I want to understand it.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And I think what was fascinating about kind of that discovery at the time in which it was, was like, It almost was harder because we were so in love and because I was so in love. It's like, well, I don't want to do anything that would weaken that intensity of that love by me exploring or thinking about the side of myself.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And what ended up happening when we worked through that was just how much our love got stronger. And being able to kind of go, oh, this is how I feel. This is who I am. Now you know that. Now we've talked about it. It changed so much. And I think in a weird way, not knowing I was gay, I had sort of heteronormative ways that just were the way I saw things.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And then in this relationship, even though I'm now in a gay relationship, I was still going about things in a heteronormative way.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And just sort of that feeling of like, I think a power dynamic or who defers to who or how does something. Oh, what does that mean if you do this and I do that?
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
I was like, oh, she's all set up. She's got all her stuff going on. It wasn't like I was this like passive person. I was just sort of like, oh, yeah, buy whatever you want. Get whatever you want. And we're in love. It was natural. It was I didn't even think about it. And then. Later in this sort of discovery, it was like, what does that mean if you do that? And that feels weird for me.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And now I'm not I don't like myself in this. And I'm so uncomfortable because it goes against everything I actually believe in. And then I'm like, and by the way, I don't think I've told you everything I believe in. Yeah. let me introduce my new self to you and it's all different and that's when it became Tawanda Yes. I really like I you're going to have to be with a brand new person.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
She's in a very terrible marriage and she's like sick of it. And she's, you know, she's getting inspiration.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
It's basically her claiming herself and she's just kind of like, fuck it. I'm like, you know, I'm going to do whatever I want. It's like her inner goddamn cheetah comes out.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And I'm like, yeah, I overheard that. I'm like, me either. Wow.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
I love it. I feel like we're both in a place of like, oh, this is what we value. This is what we like. I mean, not necessarily. I don't think we go about it the same way, but just where you're going, this is really how I feel. This is really how I see it. And I don't want my life to not be that.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And so if I keep nodding along or keeping it in or just going, I guess that's how it goes, then your life is that.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And it is nice when men and women are both like, yeah, that's cool. And you know what? I actually liked that because I do think it's that thing with women where you if a woman you tell a woman to do something, she just says no. Mm hmm. It's like, wow, she's difficult. Whoa. She's crazy. What a bitch. And you see a guy go, no, I'm not doing that. And they're like, he's so smart. Oh my God.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
He's so strong. I love that guy. And like, I feel like I've noticed with women now, even like other actors or I'm like, I love that. You're just like, no, it's the best.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Well, I know mine is totally linked to that. I like coming into my sexuality because a friend of mine who is married to a man who identifies as queer. And I'm like, so what does that mean? Queer? Cause queer, I never quite, I'm like, am I queer? Can I say I'm like, are we all queer? And she was like, queer is just other queer.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
So queer is anything other than the heteronormative patriarchal paradigm. And so if she's like, I want to be other in my writing, I want to be other in my parenting. I want to be other in my relationship. I, whatever it is, I don't want that. I want other. And I feel like I'm like, ah, That's what I want. I don't want the way this goes. I don't want the, like, we're falling into roles.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
We're playing this out. I want to know in every moment what I'm actually feeling, what I actually think. And then that is my reality.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Yeah. You know, I don't know. And it's sort of like that feeling too. I mean, especially in the arts or entertainment, you're doing the thing you love. Like you're the person that has got to do the thing they love. And so isn't that amazing? And isn't it amazing that we're all here doing this really fun thing with each other? Trying to get everybody on that page is so challenging.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And something I heard Marianne Williamson say that I think about almost daily is she was like, it's great when you go about life in a way that's like, it's a really big fucking deal. And then at the same time, big fucking deal. And both are at the same time. So it's like, you can't be that... forceful to the top and you want the money and you want that.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And then it's, you know, and if you don't get it, you're miserable. It kind of all has to exist at the same time.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
But wait, Abby, what would you, what do you want?
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
They're very into their clothes.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Don't say that to my brother. Even when they're the ones that was mad when you come in and then they both just turn on us.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
It's that thing where you just look at them and you're like, oh my God, how are you this little person in the world? And look at your... little watch and your shorts and your, it's just like your pants on them.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And you know, it's like, I know your guys' kids are so much older, but like at this age and they're, they haven't started kindergarten yet. They're about to start, but just their pure joy and the way they run toward their friends at school and they hug each other and they go, I love you. And they're like, I love you.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And just, he's my friend and she's my, and it's like, I look at that and I go, I feel that way about people and the world, but I would be crazy. You know, like that, just being able to express yourself and everybody just go, yeah, this is great.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And she's like, actually, I've never heard that. I'm Tawanda-ing.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
But we have like our ones we've really figured out. And then we have the ones that we really do every time. Yeah.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Um, let's get that file. Um, it's weird where we're at now. Kind of once you acknowledge like, Oh, we don't fight well around this one. Like this one is going to end. Like the other night was such a weird one because we were going toward one of our fights and, um, it's not even like one of our fights. It's just like, this is going to turn into our fight. This is, it's just something triggers.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Here we go. And I'm like, and I said, I was like, okay, I don't want to do this right now because I'm going to get really mad. And then I'm not going to be able to get off of it. And then you're going to say this and it's just going to end in a wall. I don't feel like doing it right now.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And you're like, I don't even recognize you right now. I don't even know. I said, so you're just not even going to head over there. You're just going to stop. I'm so mad. Of course, I'm mad about that. Of course, I'm so mad about that. So I don't know what to say. Yeah.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And they're both facing forward. No, they're not looking at each other. Right.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And it is that thing of like, it's so not what you're talking about. It's like, this is bothering me because I have all these things. We've done couples therapy in the past. And I think there's certain things where you have to kind of give it over to someone else because you're going to, you're in your thing.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
I think a breaking point for us, and I actually love this moment so much, was we were in like a really big fight. And and we both like at a point like, OK, we got to get done with this fight. And we both we both were like, well, I'm not sorry. And she's like, I'm not sorry either. Wow. And we both were like, OK, yeah, we're different. We see this completely differently. And I cannot. Do that one.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And she's like, I cannot do that one. And so I felt like that was really a great moment because at least nobody's going toward their thing and being like, okay, you're sorry.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
No, I don't. It's like, this is my opinion very deeply.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And I feel our couples therapist told us this, which I loved so much. It is in the way of like, okay, if you're not going to say you're sorry, but go up to the person, go, how can I help? And just how simple that is. It's like, clearly you're not okay. And so as a person, how can I help you? What can I do to make you feel okay? And what can I do to make you feel okay?
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
We are so excited to be on.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
You know, what's interesting about you guys and Together Rising is like when everything was happening at that time, it had just started in Ukraine. It's like there's a trust in you guys of like they're feeling what we're feeling. So they're going to put the money in the place that goes toward what we're all feeling. And it's not going to be because it's coming from a place of like feeling.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And when you can connect to that, then you go, oh, okay, then I have trust in Together Rising because I know the people behind it are just trying to figure it out.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And that's where the trust is.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
I know. It would be so great. We want to meet your guys' kids.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Well, it's because it happens not just through email. It also just her, like, delivery. There's no, like, change in inflection or facial. Yeah.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
I don't know. I'm always like, of course she's kidding. And then there's all this follow-up of like, do you guys not want to get tested? Is there a problem?
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And it actually, this, this got me married to, this actually worked for this, this humor works for me. So this was actually almost 10 years ago at this point. So we had been in this movie together in a world and we were, you know, dating, Hanging out. Sorry. Hanging out. And I was like, I'm straight. But oh, my God, you're so funny. And and then we're so funny.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Okay, so we're hanging out, and at one point we kissed. It was actually Valentine's Day. Let me get to the part where it's this humor.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
We were hanging out. We kiss, we have a great night. And then I got home and I'm like, oh my God, what have I done? Like, I'm straight. This is crazy. I don't want to like mislead her on whatever. So I wake up in the morning and I write the longest email. Pages, pages. That's just like, I just think the world of you. I love hanging out with you. I think you're so funny.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
I had a great time last night. I don't regret anything. It's like our bios. You're just the greatest. I'm just so unfortunately straight. Otherwise, this would be amazing. friend zone email yeah and i'm like reread it i'm like okay perfect pages send it like seconds later she replies and it says okay dyke and i was like oh no i really like her
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Well, I had a lot of boyfriends that I was not in long-term relationships with. Okay.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And I'm like, I'm so straight.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
No, I mean, truly did not know. And I, young teenager, early twenties, never had a feeling I was completely thought I was straight. And then I would date guys where I'm like, they're cool. They're interesting. They're, you know, like it was kind of like,
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
anybody I thought was a little interesting to talk to I was like I guess I like him yep and then um the relationship would start and they would obviously want it to grow and I'd be like um this is casual this has to stay and then we'd have a date and I'd be like I'm unavailable for a week so I'll see you next Thursday and I wanted them out immediately in the morning I'm like get out
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
And they would want to have breakfast. And I'm like, no, no, no intimacy. I would roll over and grab my phone and be like, pretend like it beeped and be like, oh no, I have an audition.
We Can Do Hard Things
Find Your Towanda with Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne (Best Of)
Yeah. I look back on that and I'm like, oh, my God, what I was missing.