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Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising Producer, Aaron Blair. Associate Talent Producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate Producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

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Okay, knock it off you two. Hi, Mike. Welcome to the show.

I'm glad you asked this because actually we have a syrup taste test to do.

Let's bring them in. We have syrups here that we're going to try.

You can take us through this, Mike.

Does she not even exist? Was she a real person? I saw Mrs. Butterworth move on a kitchen table. She's gotta be real.

This is tough because I really want to drink these. It looks so good.

Oh, I don't think you would. I'm going to keep that in. I'm going to keep that in the podcast.

We are still recording. It's not rolling, for sure.

I'm going to put that part in.

Oh, that's so nice. Oh, so these are each tailored to us.

Yeah, but we're all going to taste all of them, I think. So the first one is the pure maple. Can you read that again?

I play by the rules. He's the older sibling on Christmas morning that won't let us go look at our gifts. I know. I remember those days.

It's just like Mrs. Butterworth. There's something so wonderful about drinking out of a shot glass too.

I'm a hummingbird. I will just drink nectar.

Like with some... Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Let's read the description here. Maple walnut syrup. Matt's syrup is made from the sap of maple and walnut trees. It's mostly sweet, but just a tad. Just a tad, but nutty. Excuse me. I'm just reading what he wrote. In honor of Professor Gorley. Thank you, Mike. Conan, you go screw. Go screw.

Oh, yeah.

I really got to say I love drinking myself there.

If you're grilling. And then also, baste that on there? Oh, that'd be so good.

I have. I have. Yeah. Even the biggest naysayers. You get them on your side.

I've seen it happen. So big naysayers.

Thanks.

Specifically the James Bond references. That's Matt.

Of course. To James Bond. It all goes back to James Bond.

Cheetah?

Okay.

I would say the entire Real Housewives franchise. I mean, if you know...

I mean, Cincinnati.

There's Salt Lake City. There's Atlanta. There's Orange County was the original.

Okay.

That's not good. Okay. That's not good. All right. But yeah, you know, what else? I mean, I think, when I think of, you know, popular shows, I think of Real Housewives, but that's all I can think of off the top of my head.

Like Teresa from New Jersey. She's a classic.

Vanderpump Rules?

Yeah. Do you know? You're very, I don't know a lot of the characters.

Scandival.

Yeah, yeah. You guys are like a couple detectives on the first 48. Yeah, what?

What is the difference? They're reality. It's a different kind of reality.

Okay. All right. All right. Why can't we do docuseries?

Okay.

Okay.

She wouldn't take your phone.

That's such a long pause. That's a long pause, Eloise. She's a fan of yours. You just answered my question.

The American Pickers reference.

That's what did it.

Who are you? You would be like, I'm on the next flight out to the Philippines to meet your dad and make him love me.

Oh, my God.

That's a cute little dick. I thought it was a vape pen.

It doesn't matter.

Oh, that's cute.

Yeah, you too at drunken frat parties. Let me just ask.

Someone was shining a, like, well, because it is like a laser pointer. That

It's not really a flashlight. It's a no, no, it's a laser pointer.

Depends. Yeah. It depends.

Oh, my God.

Don't they have the mom in the window? Yeah, they have her like a mannequin. It's not real.

She's just sitting there.

It's so creepy. Yeah.

What?

I bought it and I wore it a lot.

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, wow. Oh, we're going to clip it and show her.

Yeah, what?

What did you say?

Okay.

We do.

I adore my mom, but we have a generational divide and a cultural divide.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay. I loved that jacket.

What did I do? Oh, my God.

Oh, okay. Well, okay, so they still make this jacket, and I found it, and you very generously offered to buy me a new one. So I went with your credit card, which I have, and I bought a new jacket for myself.

Okay. And then, but then I realized what I did was I just bought you like ammo for me. Yes. And that's not, I don't know why I did that.

I did wear it. It fit me like a glove. It was like stretched in.

OK, come on. It's so cool. Don't I look cool in it, though?

Yes, I do, though. I look so cool in this.

Yeah, me too. I am too.

A lot of the things that we lost, we've been trying to find versions of it.

isn't there that you guys lost a poster what is it a cell an animation cell from king of the hill oh that tack loved and so it's the first time i've ever really done this i asked greg daniels my old writing partner and good friend and who who i've who i've gotten to know really well over the last few years and not few years but a very long time i've been working for you

And I asked him, I said, do you have any or know where I could get one? And he gave Tack the exact one that he lost. And it felt like it was just coming back from the dead.

It was really nice.

Yes.

I lost $100,000. That's a lie.

It was all special bills.

So special to me.

And I really wish I had it again.

And she sent it to the two of us. Like, why didn't I get a dick laser pointer? Yeah.

I hope so. I mean, it is, it does feel like you're bringing things back from the dead, which is cool. This jacket meant a lot. I loved this jacket and I really thank you for doing it. Although I do know you're, you're just doing it so you can keep the riff going.

That's very nice.

Yes.

Sure. I know. I know.

You should.

It would feel really good.

I bet he is. No, no idea. We didn't get anything.

Oh, fuck you.

I would love a Chris Martin compound.

No.

I'm just going to pretend I'm looking for something.

Good to see you.

He went with you to the dentist? That's so nice.

Do you know what he's eating?

Yeah. How close were you to do? Very close.

How come I'm the only one not talking like this? Because you haven't heard a small stroke.

Oh, yes. Speaking of tail, we had a cat emergency.

13.

She's gorgeous, though. Here's a grumpy photo of her with a hemorrhoid donut on her head because she couldn't chew one of her wings. It's a very good-looking cat.

Yeah. Oh, man. Well, this is the third time, unfortunately, we've had to give her an enema, not personally.

So she has to go to the vet because she's, first of all, she's psychotic and she's obsessed with food. So if we don't feed her in the morning, she meows incessantly until we wake up and do it. So then we got an automated feeder that would dispense dry food, but that constipated her. And that's when we had to give her these enemas.

Now we finally found this wet food automatic feeder where you could load it the night before and it has ice packs. And so she'll sit there and stare at it all night long until it goes up, but she doesn't bother us. But she still got constipated.

Well, she gets constipated. And so we're on like 24 hour poop watch, hoping she'll poop. And it goes, you know, sometimes it'll go a few days and we start to get really worried. So we take her to the vet and they want to give her an enema. But what that means is she comes home and she's just like, like if a toothpaste tube was missing the top.

Okay. I told you this was disgusting and you still wanted to do it.

Unbelievable leakage. And she also does this thing that we call 2D scooching, where she sits on her butt and pops her hind legs up in the air and pulls herself with her front legs and just scoots along the floor, whether it be hardwood or rug or whatever.

Do you remember those old toys that you used to draw with a wax crayon on a mat and then you'd put a car and the car would follow the wax crayon? No, I don't.

The same way that people knew what I was talking about with the Inka Binka bottle ink, the cork fell out and you stink. They'll know what this is.

Okay, so some days we'll come home and there's just this like,

Trail around the house. Didn't you have an Okie shit story?

One that you tried to kill, by the way.

You need to stop that right now. This cat is my life. This is the only being in my household that acknowledges, that gives me any attention, okay? The other two are off on their own all the time. This cat loves me, sits on my lap. We're bonded. And you want to take this from me?

Not when she's on my lap.

Margo would just never tolerate it. She would rip it off. She's insane. Yeah. Our vet tried to put her on Prozac.

And what happened there? We didn't do it. Why not? I don't know.

One time she ate chocolate. Oh, great. Well, this will go well.

Made an appearance on this podcast before.

We did not. She got it. She gets into everything. She will eat vegetables. She'll eat anything. And she went to the bathroom in a closet that was so disgusting.

And by then I hadn't remodeled it. So where the floorboards met the wall, there was like a half inch crack. And I remember just, it was so disgusting that I just put, I disinfected it, but I put baseboards on there and cocked it all up. You sealed it into the house? It's there forever? Just like the bodies in the pool in Poltergeist, someone's going to open these up one day.

Maybe once a year this seems to be happening. Oh, that's not so bad. No, but it's harrowing when it does happen. She's just this oddity. One time we were living in a second story apartment and she was so big that she would sit on the ledge that it started bulging out the screen on the window. And then...

she fell out the window but rode the screen down like remember in temple of doom when they ride the raft out of the airplane she rode the screen down and i looked down there and she was just fine she was just fine yeah oh my god she's insane wow maybe it's time

Yes, she comes and goes right now. She's because she's a little constipated. Although after today, she's lost weight.

She's fine now. She's fine, I should mention. When she's in her sweet spot, you know, on my lap, there's nothing better. I wouldn't put that thing on my lap for a million dollars.

Why did I agree to talk about this? I should have never.

This is like when you have to buy tampons for your wife at the grocery store.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at

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Because I'm her doctor and you have the exact same DNA makeup.