Shane O'Neill
Appearances
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
The latest fad to sweep rural America. Everyone's crazy for cheese wax. 11-year-old Celine Duchamp and her family moved to the small town of Coldwater, Ohio, from Evron, France, where Babybel cheese, those little round red spheres of wax-covered cheese, is made. She was Trey homesick, so her classmates bought Celine 100 wheels of Babybel as a welcome gift.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
She gleefully gorged the cheese, and after the constipation cleared up, she thanked her new friends by stringing the used wax together to make them jewelry. Necklaces, hoop earrings, and clunky bracelets that would have made Mrs. Roper proud.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
In a conservative small town, the trend caught on with lightning speed, and soon everyone was collecting baby bell wax and making red plastic jewelry, hats, bags, and even dresses, which one girl wore to the spring dance this week where she was crowned queen. Kids in nearby towns have started doing it too, and it's led to a full-blown red wax panic.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Parents are in an uproar, local politicians are furious, and a Presbyterian preacher got so angry he tried to forbid everyone from dancing, and wait a second, that's actually footloose. All right.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Is Ray Fines in it? Because he was so good at it.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Oh, that's a huge mistake. I mean, those are two. If you're looking at a pot roast recipe and lasagna comes out, you need to read that recipe.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
And his fourth grade teacher was like, I always thought Gerald could enunciate a little bit better. Exactly, yeah.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
You know what Young Thug has to do now is write a song called Horses Don't Stop.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Or the guy, he can modify the tattoo and just give them, like, sunglasses and bandanas and, like, cool shirts, and they'll be like, they're hustlers. They're hustlers. They're horse hustlers. These are horses. They're hustlers.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Wait, where in Italy? It must be super far north, right? I don't picture them down in the Cinque Terre bears. No, no, no.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
And a half. I was going to say all the flights there are booked and all the ones back are like half empty flights.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Yeah. Wait. There is a bear about whom the advice is lay down. Yeah, it's like you're supposed to... Is the bear like, ah, no, it's someone sleeping. I'm so sorry. I really apologize. It's Playdex.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
And if he was like, without these tigers, I'm so anxious.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
They will bring back all the dads who went out for cigarettes and never returned.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
If you're buying European brands of cat food, you deserve to lose a ton of money. Absolutely. My cat won't eat anything but el jamon, Spanish Iberico cat food.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
Now, a dire wolf is bigger and stronger and more powerful than a regular wolf? Pretty much. How did it go extinct? Isn't that against the all of evolution?
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
No, it's like, you picture a guy who's like, listen, Rachel, I can't stay. I'm on the run. I killed three people in Idaho. Also, April 15th is coming up, and I have to finish my taxes.
Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
WWDTM: Austan Goolsbee
I would never buy a human being European food. That's all I'm saying. You want Nutella, honey? Find another husband.