Se'era Spragley Ricks
Appearances
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
I know we're close to four months out, but a little birdie did tell me that Minneapolis, Boston, and Portland are selling particularly fast. So if you live in those cities and have been considering buying a ticket recently, I'd do it soon. That is all the housekeeping for today's show. Now, on to the gossip.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Well, for the first couple of weeks of the school year, everything goes pretty fine. Like, Ellen's oldest daughter is having a great time at her internship, and she hasn't asked for a skirt suit or a copy of Lean In yet. Okay. So, so far, so good. Good. Thank God. And for a hot minute, it seems like the annual eighth grade fundraiser might even be pretty tame this year.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So like I said, there are three eighth grade classes at Briarwood. From here on out, we're going to be referring to these classes as classes A, B, and C. So Ellen's daughter is in class A. Hazel's youngest son is in Class B, and there's no one we care about in Class C. So fundraising starts off relatively chill. At first, there are like bake sales and craft fairs and things of that nature.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And these are all mostly engineered by the children themselves. But things start going off the rails when the silent auction rolls around. Now, Briarwood parents are the kind of people that could very easily donate, like, dinner on a private yacht or a magnum of champagne or whatever rich people have. I don't really know, but they could donate a lot of shit.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So to stop things from getting too crazy, the biggest rule for the silent auction is that nothing can be auctioned off that the kids did not obtain themselves.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Well, so at first the auction items include like a personal flash mob by the eighth grade dance team or a cutting from the heritage roses that are growing in the Briarwood Greenhouse. Okay. But I'm sure you can guess that these are the kind of parents that always find a way to get involved.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So one student in class B has a dad who's like a longtime theater producer in the city. And the producer has this kid write a note to a Broadway star begging for her to take part in the Briarwood fundraiser. And the producer hand delivers this note to the Broadway star's dressing room. So now one of the items for auction is a private dinner with this Broadway star.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
In class A, the class that has Ellen's daughter in it refuses to take this lying down. One of the kids in class A, their mom's best friend, is a celebrity fitness instructor. So when the kid asks if their mom's friend will donate a lifetime membership to her classes... A lifetime? Of course the celebrity fitness instructor says yes. This is insane. Do you think any of this constitutes cheating?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Today, I'm so excited to be joined by one of my absolute favorite writers in the whole wide world, Vincent Cunningham. Vincent is a staff writer at The New Yorker where he's written about theater and television. He's also a co-host of Critics at Large, which is the New Yorker's weekly culture podcast. Last year, he published a gorgeous novel called Great Expectations.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen is determined not to care. Her meditation app just dropped a new course on somatic breath work.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
All of that changes one night when Ellen's oldest daughter is telling her about her day interning for Hazel, Ellen's frenemy, and the daughter is like, I spent all day on the phone. And Ellen's like, well... Yeah, that sounds about right for a PR job. But her daughter's like, no, this was different.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
But then Ellen kind of pauses because she's always just a little bit suspicious when it comes to literally anything that Hazel does. So Ellen's like, what kind of items are we talking about? And her daughter's like, mom, I know you hate Hazel, but she's kind of incredible at her job. People gave her so much shit.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Like someone donated a wheel of cheese imported from Italy, like right from the border of Parmigiano and Reggiano. Ha ha ha!
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
got that reggiano she went she went got that rich oh man that's crazy and then a former chef of carbone is offering up a private pasta making class and someone else donated this ugly broom that cost six hundred dollars how would you respond to this ellen you have already messed up if your daughter ever has the occasion to say to you
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Well, Ellen's like, I may hate Hazel, And also think that Hazel's affinity for Tory Burch is a little tacky. But as a feminist, I will not tear this woman down in front of my daughter. So Ellen tells her daughter, I don't hate Hazel. But. Our girl Ellen does have her antenna up. Ellen is suspicious.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And she only gets more suspicious the next day when one of her Briarwood parent friends tells her that apparently Class B had received some incredible new donations for the silent auction that everyone's being really tight-lipped about. Oh, God. What do you do with this information?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen takes the lighter side option that you give. Ellen's like, I'm zen. I'm different this year. She takes a little CBD gummy and she mutes the notifications on her parent group chat.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Her little gummy is just kicked in when her younger daughter comes home from school and she's looking a little dejected. And Ellen's immediately like, what's wrong? Are you okay? Yeah. Her daughter's like, nothing's wrong. It's just this stupid fundraiser we're going to lose. And Ellen's like, how do you know you're going to lose? You've got a whole month left. And her daughter sort of sighs.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yes, there's another very famous novel with that title, but let's be real here. Vincent's is better. It's a semi-autobiographical novel about a young Black man working on the historical presidential campaign of a Black senator from Illinois. Yes, I know that sounds familiar. Yes, it is who you think it is. Yes, it is so good.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And then she's like, Mom, do you promise to be chill? And Ellen's like, yes, I told you I'm different now. And so her daughter tells her that the final auction list went out. And the items for sale by Class B include not just a private dinner with a Broadway star, They include a wheel of cheese imported from Italy, right from the border of Parmigiano and Reggiano.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
They include a private pasta-making class by a former chef at Carbone, and a broom made by hand from heritage wood worth $600. Oh, my God. Do you think this constitutes cheating?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen's like, this is where I draw the line. She's like, I am the only person allowed to exploit my oldest daughter's labor for personal gain. Our girl is like, call me Ellen Snowden because I am blowing that whistle.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
She sends a very polite email to the teacher of her daughter's class the next morning, outlining her suspicions that Hazel's son had in fact not been involved at all with soliciting the donations. And by the morning after that, all hell has broken loose. The school was able to pretty easily determine that Ellen was telling the truth because she
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Hazel didn't take the operational security course at Girl Boss Academy. The school returns all the items Hazel had donated after seeing the undeleted track changes made by the interns in Hazel's little donation spreadsheet.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So after the auction, a very strongly worded email sent to every parent of an eighth grade student. And the email basically says that going forward, only money raised by students would count toward the final classroom total. And parents are to limit their involvement to volunteering. Also, auctions are no longer allowed. Do you think this will calm down these rich parents?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen agrees with you. Ellen's like, I don't think this is going to do too much. But Ellen's like, I got my lick back. I engineered my frenemy's downfall yet again. And I am back to the original plan of not getting involved.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
It came out in paperback, and I truly think everyone should go out and buy it right now. But without further ado, here's the man, the myth, the legend himself, Vincent. Hello.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Luckily, Ellen's got plenty to keep her occupied because Halloween is fast approaching, and Ellen loves Halloween. And after years of lobbying her co-op board, Ellen has finally landed the Halloween decorating coup of the century. Vincent, have you seen the 12-foot-tall Halloween skeleton?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah. So the 12-foot-tall Halloween skeleton is exactly what it sounds like, which is a freestanding 12-foot-tall skeleton that is used for Halloween decoration. It is sold from Home Depot. According to Business Insider, it is affectionately known as Skelly.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
It costs $299, and it has LED illuminated eyes that follow trick-or-treaters. So for years, Ellen has wanted nothing more than to install a 12-foot-tall skeleton outside her home. And if Ellen lived in the suburbs, this dream could be achieved very simply by... purchasing the skeleton.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
But Ellen lives in the West Village in a co-op that, like most West Village co-ops, has a very involved co-op board. So before Ellen can even purchase a 12-foot-tall skeleton, she has to get approval from her co-op board, which for years she has been unable to do. But this year... Ellen's persistence has finally paid off.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
In early October, Ellen was given permission to purchase and install not just one, but two 12 foot tall skeletons right in front of her co-op. Oh my God. What would you do if you were walking down like Christopher Street in the West Village and saw two 12 foot tall skeletons?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen is filled with joy every time she sees these skeletons. It is better than she has been dreaming of all these years. Every five-year-old in a mile radius becomes obsessed with this co-op. But even better, Ellen's 12-foot-tall skeletons had caught the attention of the coolest person on Ellen's block. Patricia. Huge news.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Our Dowager Queen, Kelsey McKinney, wrote a New York Times bestselling book of beautiful essays about gossip. It's called You Didn't Hear This From Me, mostly true notes on gossip. And I am obsessed. It's about how we use gossip to learn about ourselves. It's about Britney Spears and Weston Caleb and Gilgamesh and Picasso. It's so fun.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Joy. I'm so excited to gossip with you. I already know that you're good at gossip because I've heard you gossip before.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Patricia is like old, old money rich. Like, it's giving Gilded Age. It's giving down Abby. What this means is that Patricia doesn't give a single fuck what anyone thinks of her. She has been married and divorced three times. And now that her two sons are off at college, people in the neighborhood have seen her on dates with a series of really hot, mostly younger guys.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
She's notoriously terrible at parallel parking, despite being a lifelong New Yorker and will often ask one of her neighbors to come park her car. There are rumors that she grows pot on her roof.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And Ellen has heard from her neighbors who are also obsessed with Patricia that Patricia's been cited standing and admiring the 12-foot-tall skeletons at least twice in the past week. Amazing. Ellen has run into Patricia in front of the 12 foot tall skeletons herself, but it's only a matter of time. How would you strike up a conversation with your glamorous divorcee stoner neighbor?
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Those are mine. I spent $600 on those skeletons.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah, this is actually really similar to the tactic that Ellen is workshopping. She just doesn't have a chance to deploy it because one night she's coming home from getting ice cream with her daughter. And as they get closer to their block, they see there's like a huge commotion outside their co-op. There's a crowd of people along with two cop cars, which is not normal.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And as Ellen gets closer, she sees Patricia's fabulous head of hair among the people in the crowd. Very easily recognizable. It's like seeing Julia Roberts in the wild. Most of the co-op board members are also in the crowd, like looking pissed. And there are three or four police officers and then two boys sitting on the ground in front of them.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And the boys look to be in their late teens or early 20s. And lying on the ground in front of them is something that Ellen hates.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
can't quite make out like from a distance it kind of looks like a really long version of the cardboard tube that's inside a toilet paper roll ellen pushes her way through the little crowd allegedly because she wants to get into her home but really she is being nosy as i would also be in this situation and it's not until ellen is right in front of the co-op that she realizes that the two boys sitting on the ground
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
are Patricia's sons, who are supposed to be away at college, and that the object on the ground in front of them is either a foot-long joint or a very convincing replica.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yes. So apparently Patricia had waxed poetic about the 12 foot tall skeletons to her two sons who had taken the train down from Columbia to pull what I have to admit is kind of an iconic prank. They just thought it would be really funny to put a foot long joint into the giant hand of one of the 12 foot tall skeletons.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah, someone had seen them, like, skulking around the building and called the cops. But luckily or unluckily, depending on how you think about it, the footlong joint is just a prop, so there's no weed in it.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So the only real charge possible is trespassing. And Ellen convinces her co-op board to not press charges. She's like, I'm the one who bought the skeletons, and I'm not offended at all. She's like, honestly, I think it'd be funny to leave the joint. The co-op board does not agree with that last part. Fair enough. But they all know Patricia's family is really influential.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So they're like, fine, we won't press charges.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
As a parent, if your kid did something dumb and potentially criminal, but also a little funny, do you admit to them that it's funny?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah. Patricia seems very chill about the situation, which makes sense for her. She emails Ellen to be like, thank you for being so gracious to my idiot sons. I would love to have you over for a real joint one of these nights.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Everything's coming up, Ellen. And it's the final week of the eighth grade fundraiser. And so Ellen's at home and her youngest daughter comes home from school. And before Ellen can even say hi, sweetie, her daughter's like, Mom, you promised it was different this time. And Ellen's got no idea what's going on. She's like, what are you talking about?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And her daughter's like, you promised you would be chill. And now Ellen's like a little offended because she has been so chill and it's been so hard. Ellen's like, I was chill. I've been so chill. I haven't sabotaged anyone.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And internally, she's like, yeah, I ratted out Hazel, but no one knows about that. Do you think Ellen's identity as a whistleblower is safe?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Well, Ellen's daughter tells her that a couple kids had seen Patricia stop by Briarwood the Friday before. She had gone into the administrative offices, which is weird. Like, Patricia's sons had gone to Briarwood, but they're in college. They both graduated, like, at least a year ago. And so Patricia's visit apparently got the rumor mill started.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And over the weekend, a possible explanation starts floating around the Briarwood parent group chats. Apparently, there had been some suspicion when the situation with Patricia's sons and Ellen's 12-foot-tall skeletons got smoothed over so quickly. Like, everyone knows how hard Ellen campaigned for those skeletons. And the rumor mill has settled on one explanation.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen has obviously blackmailed Patricia into donating to her daughter's classroom in exchange for not pressing charges. What?! Or at least that's a story that Ellen's daughter has seemingly heard. These people are sick!
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen's daughter just rolls her eyes and is like, yeah, well, if you blackmailed someone, we at least better win. Class A wants to have the eighth grade party at Topgolf, and Topgolf sucks. Ellen's like, I didn't blackmail anyone. I'm innocent.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Have you ever walked into a room and just kind of known people were talking about you?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah, this is the really bad feeling Ellen gets when she walks into the Briarwood Benefit, which is the last event of the eighth grade fundraiser. It's where the winner is announced. And it is abundantly clear that as soon as Ellen walks in that absolutely everyone, has heard this rumor about her. Like, the parents in her daughter's class are all like, good job, Ellen!
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Like, it really sounds like Patricia has made a donation, but no one knows how much. Meanwhile, the parents in the other classes are all glaring at her, including Hazel, obviously. Oh my God. They're nearing the part of the night where they're going to announce the final totals.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And at this point, Ellen has heard this rumor that she has blackmailed Patricia so many times that she's low-key convinced it might be true. Like, everyone else seems so sure. Oh, God. Ellen obviously knows she didn't blackmail anyone, but she's like, maybe since me and Patricia are buddies now, she really did do me a solid.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And for the first time since that year's eighth grade fundraiser started, Ellen allows herself to think, maybe my kid will win. Has Ellen promised herself she wasn't going to get involved? Yes. But it's too late for that. And against her will, Ellen has been involved, and now Ellen wants to win. Wow. So.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
She's on the edge of her seat as the principal takes to the stage to read out the final totals. First, the principal reads out the total of the classroom with Hazel's son in it. They raised $15,000. Then, it gets so quiet you can hear a pin drop. And the principal says, This is the class that Ellen's daughter is in. The principal says, Class A has raised just over $17,000.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
There are even more gaps. And everyone turns to look at Ellen, who is, like, struggling to maintain composure. She's like, I have no idea how to feel. Like, obviously, she's proud because she, well, her daughter had won. But Ellen's also like, I mean, my daughter's victory has been tainted by these rumors of blackmail. Like, does this even count if I win and everyone thinks I cheated to do it?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Wow. And it says Ellen is thinking all of this that the principal reads out the total for class C, the class that no one had really cared about, that no one had ever even suspected might win. Class C has done exceptionally well, the principal says. They've raised $23,000. Damn. The principal's like, Class C has won the annual Briarwood 8th grade fundraiser.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Let's all give them a round of applause. So apparently while Class A and B were surveilling and sabotaging and slinging mud at each other, Class C had kind of just put their heads down and done the work. Like, no one really knows how they did it, but it doesn't really matter.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
All that mattered is that Class C got to decide the theme of that year's 8th grade party, and they decided to have a lock-in at the Natural History Museum, which, after some grumbling, everyone agreed was at least better than Topgolf. That's right. And that's basically the end of our story. Do you think there are any villains here? Any?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
These are all good choices. There's no, the only non-villain is Patricia.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Okay. Having been to a party with you, I can pretty confidently say that you don't have cop energy, but I am going to give you a chance to prove your gossip credentials. A little birdie told me you have some gossip for me.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Well, actually, I have some little postscripts that might answer some questions.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
First, after the dust had settled and the eighth graders had enjoyed their night at the museum, Briarwood called a big student and parent assembly. The administration had felt that the spirit of philanthropy had started to be lost in their annual eighth grade fundraiser. So going forward, classes could only do acts of service and not fundraising. Wow. Wow.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And also, one beautiful summer night, Ellen does go smoke a joint on Patricia's roof. She gets the highest she has ever been in her entire life. She's like, Patricia, this is the best weed I've ever had. What's your secret? And Patricia's like, it's the fertilizer up at Briarwood. It's incredible stuff.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Apparently, while Patricia's kids were in school, she learned that her weed loved the fertilizer that Briarwood used in their greenhouse, and it could only be bought in bulk. So Patricia just buys a bag or two from the school every so often, which is why the kids had seen her in the administrative office.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Patricia's still our favorite in this story.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yes, yes, exactly. That's the end of our story, Vincent.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossip at defector.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679-GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at normalgossip.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
You can follow me on all social media at heydenae, H-E-Y-Y-D-N-A-E. This podcast was produced by Sarah Spragley-Ritz and Jay Tolviera. Thank you to Samantha Gacic, our audio engineer, and thank you to Danielle Hewitt for your additional production help this season. The co-creators and dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Alex Dujong-Loughlin and Kelsey McKinney.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Coon are Defector's business guys. Alex Dujang-Loughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Lay is our editor-in-chief. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Thank you to Catherine Chu, Brandi Jensen, Louise Pérez-Pumar, Chris Thompson, Jasper Wang, Sabrina Embler, Dave McKenna, Patrick Redford, and Ray Rado for all your help on this season. Thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And remember, you didn't hear this from me.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton. And in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. We have only got two more episodes of season eight after this week, if you can believe it. But... Have no fear.
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Oh, my God. Wait, so why did Daniel decide to go on a rampage? Why was he like, fuck this school?
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
renting a cab for a day just to come into your cafeteria to say fuck all of you i mean i'm gonna be honest that's how i wanted to go out of high school too vincent that was incredible gossip and also you managed to perfectly sync up with the gossip that i'm about to tell you oh my god are you ready yes Today, our friend of a friend is named Ellen, and Ellen is in her mid to late 40s.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
And maybe one of the most important things to know about Ellen is that she has lived in Manhattan and specifically in the West Village for her entire life. Ellen's vibe is champagne socialist.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Both of Ellen's daughters attended a private K-12, but she also donated to Bernie Sanders and AOC. She contains multitudes. Are you familiar with this vibe?
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Vincent, you have perfectly described Ellen. Like a lot of parents, Ellen's life revolves around her daughter's school, which is a private grade through 12. It's the kind of school that has multiple kilns for the ceramics classes. They've got a 500 square foot greenhouse so that they can bring nature directly to the students.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
If you have been listening to the past few episodes or following us on Instagram at normal gossip, then you know that this September, Sierra and I are bringing normal gossip to nine different cities. We are stopping in New York, Boston, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, Denver, Dallas, Austin, Chicago, and Minneapolis. Tickets went on sale to the public on Friday, May 9th.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
For the purposes of this story, I'm going to be calling this school Briarwood Academy. Ellen's oldest daughter just graduated from Briarwood, while her youngest daughter just started eighth grade there. And Ellen isn't really looking forward to the school year for a few different reasons.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
The first one is that her oldest daughter has decided to take a gap year before she starts at Stanford, which... would be all well and good, except that instead of backpacking around Europe or like building schools in South America, this child has decided to spend this gap year at home interning for one of Ellen's longtime frenemies, Hazel.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Well, are you someone who avoids having frenemies or are you someone who's like sort of energized by their presence?
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good way to live your life. Like, you shouldn't have people who are preying on your downfall in your immediate orbit.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah, Hazel and Ellen are both in that second group of people who are energized by having frenemies.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Both have two kids who are the exact same age, which means they've been battling it out in the same PTA meetings for, like, nearly two decades now. And where Ellen is a champagne socialist, Hazel is an espresso martini capitalist. Oh, shit. She's not always wearing a power suit, but, like, spiritually she is, you know? I understand. She runs a very, very successful boutique PR agency called
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So an invite to her Christmas party usually means brushing elbows with like a Hilton or a Getty.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So when Hazel offers Ellen's daughter an internship, Ellen is like, I can't even be too mad because my daughter is so excited. But also, I hate this woman. Do you think this is a good idea? Would you allow your child to be taken under the wing of a girl boss?
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Yeah, if it was any other year, Hazel brainwashing her daughter into hustle culture would be at the top of Ellen's list of concerns. But this year, Ellen also has to worry about the fact that her other daughter has just entered eighth grade. And eighth grade is a really important year at Briarwood Academy. Mm-hmm.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
So that means that if you are listening right now in this moment and live in any of those cities, you can go buy a ticket immediately at normalgossiplive.com. Every show has exclusive VIP tickets that include a meet and greet with Sierra and I. So I hope you're all workshopping what... Delicious little tidbits of gossip are going to bring us.
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Every year, all three classes of eighth graders at Briarwood participate in a semester-long fundraiser. And whichever class wins the fundraiser by raising the most money gets to choose the theme for the annual eighth grade graduation party. The last time Ellen had been through this fundraiser with her oldest daughter had almost killed her. Are you competitive? Do you consider yourself competitive?
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Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
I was going to say, Vincent, you should teach me how to play spades, but I'm realizing that learning spades from a competitive player is actually not good at all because I don't think you want me to be your partner.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll take that. I'll take that. Yeah. One of my friends who you also know is very, very competitive. Like it's not enough for her to win. Yeah. The person she's winning against has to feel bad about losing. Like she hates competing against me because most of the time I'm kind of just happy to be there. I'm like, I'm so happy you won. And she's like, fuck you.
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That doesn't count as winning if you're not upset.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
It is. And I love to see it because usually she can do it. And when she can't do it, it's really funny to see. This is the kind of person that Ellen also is. She's usually pretty good at suppressing it or channeling it into her work as an art buyer. And she had tried really, really hard to suppress it during her first eighth grade fundraiser at Briarwood. And that had not worked out.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Like, things got ugly. Mm-hmm. Our girl Ellen may or may not have sabotaged another classroom's bake sale by spreading a rumor that the baked goods weren't nut or gluten-free. Holy shit. Had that bake sale been organized by Ellen's frenemy, Hazel, who could say? Uh-huh. Ellen has buried that version of herself. It has been four years since then. A whole presidential administration.
Normal Gossip
Demented Little Tango with Vinson Cunningham
Ellen is taking CBD now. Ellen has a meditation app. Ellen is not going to get too involved this year. How are you feeling so far?
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
You either have it when an issue pops up or if you're smart, you have it maybe regularly, maybe monthly, maybe other month where it's just like, hey, how are things going? I noticed there are some dishes left. Can we please work on that? I noticed that like, hey, you were a little late on your share of the Internet. Like, let's work on that or like, hey, I want to have a party.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Is that cool with y'all? Like, it's just the roommate check-ins. It could be healthy. It could also be a very big source of drama.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I would need that clarified because I would need to know what's happening.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
It's what my mother calls nice-ty, nice-nasty. When you're nice-ty, I could see Michael being nice-ty. And I could see Iris kind of rolling over and be like, OK, I'll get it next time. Or like, oh, sorry. And just sort of walking on eggshells in the home like, oh, gotta fold that. Oh, I have to make sure. Like, unfortunately for Iris, he has a bit of a minion now. He has a yes woman in his midst.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
She's not going to push back. And she's 22. Yeah. And there's a gender dynamic. No matter how welcoming we are, it's going to be like, yes, sir.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Oh, yeah. Where it's like friends on the outskirts where I'm the main character of my own life.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
For instance, when there are large life events, it's like the show's not getting canceled. We're getting a spinoff. Oh, it's a season finale. We'll be back for sweeps. Like that's how I think of it. And those like friends of friends. It's like what a fun recurring character.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Oh, I love that. There are things from the Girlboss era I have not let go, and one of them is networking.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Oh, I hate that. Do not prank me. Do not prank me. I do not like that. I do not. No. Oh, now I just got so mad. Do not prank me.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I don't know. It's giving Fleabag. You know how, like, in Fleabag, she steals that statue?
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Jonquiline, hello. Hello. Thank you. It's so good to be hanging out with you. You know I love a good hang.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Ooh, low stakes. Not embarrassing. No physical situations.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I mean, I guess it's low stakes. It's not embarrassing, but it is a thing of like, oh, no, where's my statue? And now I'm tearing up the house. I'm concerned. I'm crying. I'm probably gone on a witch hunt with several friends. My man hates it. I'm about to accuse my man of hiding it because he hated it. Therefore, he hates me. Why are we even married if you hate me? Now we're divorced.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I love how quickly this escalated to divorce. I live life on the edge.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
He's very particular. He, no offense to Virgos, he sounds like a Virgo.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I would not have said go forth. I'm just a very like, I didn't see. I'm not involved.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
OK, I've been thinking about this question a lot because gossip is actually quite important to my life for a variety of reasons. The first reason, you know, I grew up in church, black church. People have like people have said here on here before. Gossip is like currency. And in particular, I'm AME, grew up AME and my father's a pastor.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Here's the thing, Iris. This is a really important part of being a gossip monger. Playing dumb. Being like, what? Wait, what happened? No, wait, girl, tell me. Like, what? So it sounds like what you would do if you were Iris right now is play dumb. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even remember what it looks like. Could you show me a picture and I'll help you look for it?
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Like, for instance... I went to the Renaissance World Tour and I picked up a little silver cowboy hat. I was like, that'll be my little thing. Here's the thing. Big Beyonce fan. I have the memory of the show. I've had parties and people love to put my little cowboy hat on when they leave the party. If someone walked out with it, I would be like, my cowboy. It's my cowboy hat.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
But it's not the end of the world because it's like, you're going to Cowboy Carter. Get another hat.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
That's probably how I'd react if I received that text. I'd be like, girl.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, wow, could be its own podcast. Truly, truly. But in that tradition, they're itinerant elders, so they get moved from church to church. Hmm. And, you know, there are people that move them from church to church. And so you have to kind of keep your ear to the streets to be like, oh, did that church open up? Did you hear anything about this?
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I'd be even further. Child, let me go on Metro, stop playing.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Okay, Michael and I have that in common. Don't prank me. Do not prank me.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Okay, here are the options. Teddy, you have taken your Polaroids, you did your flat Stanley, you return it and include a very nice bottle of wine, maybe some cash money moolah for this man's dramatic ass.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
This really is like an episode of New Girl. So she got exactly what she wanted. Because the thing is, if Teddy sneaks back in and puts it in there, it's going to be very obvious that it was Teddy.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
What they're going to have to do... Teddy is going to have to get the statue to Iris and somehow Iris is going to have to get it back in there when hopefully none of them notice.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
It's doing a lot. I guess. But also someone has to be there to pick it up. I don't know. Mail it to them without a return address.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Rumor has it that they're going to send so and so to such and such. And so that was sort of always in the background, because even though my parents were like, get out, grown folks business. Yeah. So much of being an only child is if you're quiet enough, people don't notice you and you can remain and grow in folks business without them even realizing it.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
aiden perhaps emboldened by the fact that he's moving out is like and another thing fuck your roommate accountability meetings this isn't hr it's a house although i do think meeting reg i don't know i'm gonna check in uh maybe michael and i are just girl bosses lost in the wrong era because you do have to check in but everyone should take turns running the meeting
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Oh, they're keeping it cute. Why'd you invite me? Just fight.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Most of the time I do. I did not this year, but most of the time I do like an award show. The thing about the Oscars, though, they don't have a lot of musical performances. And that's kind of what draws me in.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
So that's when I was like, oh, yeah, this interests me. I just like it because I'm a little bit messy. I love a little, hey, did you hear about blah, blah, blah? And saying no. And then, you know, sitting down and having a little chat.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Yes. Okay. So I had the great fortune of getting my eyebrows threaded at a new place not too long ago and And, you know, just making conversation with the lady as we're doing this. And she says, have you ever heard of the show Normal Gossip? And I thought, have I heard of Normal Gossip? I'm alive. I breathe air. I drink water. Of course I've heard of Normal Gossip.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
You know what? I would have gaslit Michael and be like, Michael, did you do this? Michael, I know you live for drama. Michael... Did you steal your own statue for the drama? Well, that's pretty much the end of the story. If you're Michael, do you ever let this go? Honestly, at every party, I'd be like, you guys want to hear a mystery? The weirdest thing happened. It was so weird.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I went on a journey along with Michael. We went on a journey together. Oh my gosh. There really is nothing like housing hijinks because it's like, who are these people? And why are we doing this?
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Wow. I'm so glad noodle and gold noodle are okay. We love noodle in this household.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
And she was like, oh, I have a story I sent into them because so many of my clients love it, but they haven't done an episode about it. And I said, one of my dreams is to be a guest on Normal Gossip. If my dream comes true, can I share your gossip? And she said, yeah, girl. This is like an Ouroboros of gossip. I'm obsessed.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
So my eyebrow lady has a family friend and her family friend was going to have this big wedding, a Nigerian wedding. And so, you know, the clothes, the money, the everything. Yes. The night before the wedding, she gets a text from her friend that says, hey, I'm The wedding is off, but you should still show up to the reception at the appropriate reception time. What? That was my reaction.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
And that was also hers. So she's like, she's like, OK, maybe my friend has cold feet. The girl's just talking. I'm going to go to bed, wake up in the morning. We'll probably be all good. Text her through it. Figure out what happened. She goes to bed. She wakes up. Her mom wakes her up and it's like, hey, we have to get ready for this reception. And she's like, mom, the wedding's off, et cetera.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
And she's like, oh, I know. I'm aware. And her mom regales her with the tale of what happened. Tell me. Her friend is in a relationship with a man and they live together, but he travels a lot for work. So she's getting ready for the wedding. And I think like the night before she had a makeup artist come do her makeup for like, because, you know, there's tons of events, tons of things going on.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Yes. Like just so much. The makeup artist tags her and the groom to be in her Instagram post.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
The makeup artist then gets a DM from a woman who follows her that says, hey, that groom is my boyfriend. No.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
fucking way yep she then reaches out directly to the bride and is like we've been dating long distance he was visiting me woman to woman coming to you as a woman i'm coming to you woman a woman hey girl yeah and she's like and it's not even this thing of like well that's my man she's like hey he sucks get out of there and the bride's like yeah you're right I am going to get out of there.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
So they hatch a plan and they decide, you know what? You're the bride. You get to be the one to break it off with him first.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
It's great because then afterwards he tries to text his girlfriend and she's like, I know you were engaged. Fuck you. No. So he leaves this situation with no women. Good. As it should be. And so then my eyebrow lady, her family goes to the reception. They write an even bigger check than they were initially going to because they're like, you know what? She started her life over.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
She got her heart broken. She deserves. And they were also happy because his family didn't drink. And so they were like, well, now we can have an open bar. Yes. OK, everyone won here. It was a win, except that guy. But who cares? Except for that guy.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Oh, my gosh. So I was working at a Washington bureau for a news organization. And, you know, I was not making a ton of money. The amount of money I was making is now an illegal amount to pay even a minimum wage worker. And I had to have a college degree for this job. Your girl was struggling. Yeah. So one of my friends at work was like, hey, you have to be at work early quite a bit.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I know you're tired of paying for Ubers at 3.30 a.m. How about you move into the house where I'm living? It's literally around the corner, walking distance. You can walk when it's dark out and not get kidnapped. And I was like, I love the sound of that.
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Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
The rent was cheap. It was like 800 bucks a month for this room. Incredible.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
I know it was a Craigslist house. It had central air. I did live with a lot of men. I shared a bathroom with one of my guy friends. We're now friends because of this. But I was like, wow, sharing a bathroom with a man.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
You know, I could be like... Oh, he's living his soft life. I, too, want to live a soft life. But also, are you always in these PJs? Like, hold on now. Do you have a job? But also, that's not my business as long as the rent gets paid.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Oh, my God. OK, so I see it. I see the sitcom unfolding. It's like, oh, we get into the hijinks. I'm the younger one. And I'm like, these are my elder millennial dads and their dog. And we're going to get through life saving money, et cetera.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
Wait, I don't like that. Hold on now. So would you take this room? Hold on. We need to have a little sit down. We need to talk. Hey, what is the choice situation like? What's the bill breakdown? I'm going to have a few questions. I probably would have brought a friend with me. We would bring a tape measure because I need to know how the furniture fits.
Normal Gossip
Reverse Heist with Jonquilyn Hill
But admittedly, this is my 30 something brain and not my 20 something brain. So I probably would be like, how much is the rent? I can afford that. OK.