Sarah Cavanaugh
Appearances
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
So, like here, right, when I get up in the morning, I make it a point to go outside.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
And, like, step outside by myself, see the sunrise, look at the view, because the view behind overlooks the mountains, and really enjoy that and just let that be the start of my day versus... some of the intrusive thoughts about the past that would come up before and I would let that dictate my day.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I'll be honest, I was a little... hesitant to kind of relive this. But I think, you know, if we're going to tell a story, I think it needs to be told fully. And so that's why I'm here.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
So I've really changed how I let the past affect my moods so I don't become just a continuous repetition of them.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
We were on a base called Taji, which is outside of Baghdad. And where we lived, we had this kind of compound area. It was about 50 yards from a burn pit. And at night, the wind would shift, and our whole living area was enveloped in smoke. What was a fog you could barely see in front of you. A fog of what smelled like burning plastic every night.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
Like when you eat, there's no water to do dishes. So when you go eat, everything is all plastic. And that all gets thrown away. They dig a big pit. They throw all this stuff, plastic, medical waste, batteries, whatever, into this giant pit. They throw jet fuel on it and they light it on fire.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
We knew this wasn't going to be good. And the contractor kept claiming that they did air tests and it was okay, but I didn't buy that for a second. Then, one day, it all kind of came to a head. My master chief and I actually drove out there to the burn pit because we just saw this thick black smoke coming out and we're like, what the hell's going on?
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
And we went out there and, you know, just like yelled at the guy, basically like, what the hell are you doing?
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I felt like what it was a slightly pinched nerve in my left chest. And, you know, I exercise, so I get pinched nerves and stuff every once in a while. So I'm like, oh, it'll just go away.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
It was a huge shock. I'm working out. I'm healthy. Everything's going great. And then someone tells you you're about to die. I just like I couldn't wrap my brain around it. My wife was with me. I just kind of like broke down.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
When you know you're dying, it's a very lonely thing. I mean, it's very comforting that I have a family around me and a wife to support me and everything, but at the same time, you're the one that's dying and you're the one going through this personally and it feels like you're very much alone.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
So I immediately went to Sarah thinking, okay, well, there's someone going through the same experience I am. I don't feel so lonely anymore. I was still scared, but when she was sharing what her experience was, someone who's already started this journey is telling me, you know, things are going to be okay. That definitely helped.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
No one really was in my shoes except her. At least that's what I thought. Here's another veteran that's going through the same thing I'm going through. So at least she knows we can support each other. And then we started actually opening up more about our treatments and how our treatments were going.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I thought, well, Dana-Farber's this amazing place, and I know that they can help her. And I said, well, do you have private health insurance? Because you need to go to someplace like Dana-Farber and get real help because the VA is not going to help you. And she said, well, I don't have or I can't afford it. She just kept saying like she couldn't.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
We veterans look out for each other. And I'm not going to sit here and let what I thought at the time was a fellow veteran die from lack of treatment when I know there's an alternative if I can help it. So I said, look, I will at least begin by paying for this insurance for you to be able to go to Dana-Farber.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
Right now, I am reading The Secret History by Donna Tartt. Which is interesting. I had read... Goldfinch? The Goldfinch, and I loved it. So now I'm reading this one, and I'm really enjoying it so far.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
She initially said, no, I can't ask you to do that. No, no, no. But then she kept telling me that, you know, she wasn't doing well. And eventually, you know, I said, look, I don't want you to die.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
Dave told me, like, hey, you know, like, I got to tell you something about Sarah, and she's, you know, she's fake. She's not a veteran. And I was just in shock and trying to just, like, wrap my brain around it.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
Sam and I talked on the phone, and Sam was still in, I think, still in denial and said, this is not true. She actually does have cancer. I've seen the medical records.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
There was a little bit of a question in my mind. I'd say if she's actually seen medical records, what does that mean?
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I remember her coming to my house and having that conversation and her sitting on the couch across from me and telling her the truth, like watching it hit her, you know, watching it overcome her. It was like watching her heart break, you know, and she started to cry and told me she couldn't do this and how could I do it and all of those things.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
So I was in undergrad working at an assisted living. I worked there for five and a half years and I loved it. I did everything from serving in the dining room to running activities to housekeeping. I did anything they asked me to do to basically pay my rent and pay my tuition and kind of survive undergrad at all costs. But I developed really meaningful relationships with the residents, right?
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
A lot of people don't like older people. I remember a lot of people I worked with who were like, she's grouchy or she's this or she's that. And... I thought, well, they've had 50 years to practice, right? Type thing. And also, like, I always think about our moods as a product of something else, right? I know that personally.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
And so I just think there was an appreciation there for me, but I didn't really know where that was going to go. I think I thought I was going to be like an activities director or something like that.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I would just say, hey, how are you? Like, it's Saturday. You know, how do you feel about this? How do you feel about being here? And if they were like, I really don't want to be here. I had to get up early and I had to drive to Providence. And I'd be like, yeah, I understand.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
When someone said something like, you know, I'm struggling with, I might be homeless or my wife and I are fighting or something like that, I wouldn't respond with surprise. I would just be like, yeah, those things happen. Those things happen. And okay, what do you think you need right now because of that?
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I know that when I've opened up and told people things, if they've turned away from it because it makes them uncomfortable, I've then kind of thought, oh, this makes other people feel uncomfortable. I shouldn't talk about this, right? And I don't want to do that to them. But you have to be present in a way that silently says, I get it.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I've always been told I'm a really good listener, right? And I maximized that while I was lying, right? People, when you create space, people fill that space. And I had always been really, I had always been able to kind of keep my mouth shut and be quiet and not share anything. I'd really learned that really well.
Deep Cover
Episode 3: The Confidante
I don't think it's ever going to be easy to think about the people I hurt. And because these are people that even before they knew I hurt them, right, I was hurting them, right, because I was lying to them. And they were people I called every day, that I spent most of my weekends with, that they were my friends, some of them my best friends. And I think about that now, and that's really hard.
Spotlight: Snitch City
Introducing Deep Cover: The Truth About Sarah
I'm Sarah Cavanaugh, and I'm originally from Rhode Island. I can see where in some ways it can fit this aspect of like this huge plan to get all this money, like this master plan or something. But I never thought about it like that.