Samantha Bee
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
What's the weather like up your own ass? Tonight's topic, should medical marijuana be legalized? Yes. No. Yay!
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Far out, Steve. Groovy point, man. You're blowing my mind. Face it. You and your Dr. Dopes are just hiding behind grandma's oxygen tent. The real reason you're pushing pro-pot legislation is so you can suck on a tie stick and watch the walls begin to pulse and breathe.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
The whole thing.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
So female soldiers should just expect to be sexually assaulted, is that?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
And now that you've duped a few misguided state legislatures, I'm sure we can all look forward to you coming down with a convenient case of glaucoma real soon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
You love ganja and the exhilarating rush of freedom and the heightened textural sensations it gives you. Whereas I wouldn't know where to start looking for a dime bag, I'm sure you've got great connections. So let me in on the dirty little secret, Steve. Where do you get your pot?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Don't change the subject, Steve. You know exactly where I can get my hands on some really deep chronic, don't you?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Would that idea appeal to you? I don't know, Steve. Would we be high? I don't know. Would you bring the dope? Steve, you're not listening to my argument. My argument is that if, for instance, I tried to buy pot, I couldn't get any, but I think you could get me some.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Best of Steve Carell & Samantha Bee
Clear as crystal, Steve, but let me see if I can just recap your really twisted argument. You're saying that if we were to enter into some bizarre love quadrangle, you'd be supplying the weed. Yes. Okay, that sounds perfect. Great.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Thank you, John. Thank you. I've been camped out here since Martha Stewart entered her house on Friday. If anything happens, I'm going to let you know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
Take a look at this shocking footage our cameras were able to capture just moments ago. I don't know where she's going, and I can't see her feet, so I can't even tell you if she's in heels or flats. Might be slippers. I'll keep you posted.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
I just... I don't know, John. But perhaps Rob Corddry has some insight. He's standing by in the Daily Show Martha Center 2600. I'm sorry, the Martha what?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
And all you need is a- Sorry, sorry, Rob. I've got some breaking news. I've just gotten word that the situation inside is developing. Let's go to our live feed and see what's happening. Okay, looks like she's crossing back and we have lost visual. I repeat, we have lost visual. We are at code vermillion. Mother swan is on the move.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Celebrity Trials
The mother swan is on the move. Chopper 10, go. News van, go. Baby bird has left the nest. The groundhog is estimating. The groundhog is estimating.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart on Immigration Over the Years
Birthright citizenship, I think, is a mistake, that we should change our Constitution and say if you come here illegally and you have a child, that child's automatically not a citizen. They come here to drop a child is called drop and leave.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart on Immigration Over the Years
We live in the greatest country in the world. The greatest nation in the history of mankind. The strongest, freest, greatest country. The greatest healthcare. The greatest universities. The greatest schools.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart on Immigration Over the Years
What's driving these people north is crippling poverty and out-of-control violence in places like Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Easter
I think everyone should be insulted by this, the intentional nature of this.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Easter
They clearly want us to bow at the altar of the trans community instead of bow to God.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Easter
Well, he wanted to, John. I mean, there's nothing he would have liked more than meeting with these gay parents and their soon-to-be-gay children. But Katrina victims get priority. It's only fair. He did help ruin their lives. The least he and Laura could do is let them keep the commemorative T-shirts. Thank you. This is so much better than having a home.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Easter
Well, look, John, I mean, there is a sense in many parts of this country that the Easter egg hunt is a sacred institution and should be defined by one mother, one father, a kid, and a spoon. The Bible is very clear on this, John. In the Garden of Eden, the Lord hid eggs for Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Easter
Okay, you're splitting hairs, John. My point is, God doesn't want gays finding eggs. I don't know how many more ways he can say it.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Easter
Okay, well, it's a slippery slope, John. Once you let gays into the Easter egg hunt, they'll want to be there for the turkey pardoning. And they'll be at the White House menorah lighting. And do you really want to live in a country where gays get in to see that thing they do for the Jews around Christmas? Frankly, I'd rather be dead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
TDS Time Machine | Easter
Okay, let me make it simple, John. For 130 years, children in frilly dresses have bent over to push pastel-colored eggs with dainty spoons across an impeccably manicured lawn. It'd be a shame to see that tradition be gayed. John.