Sam Bee

Planet Earth. We can't seem to do enough for it. We celebrate it, clean it. We even feature Leo in an issue of Vanity Fair about it. And for all we do, how does Mother Earth treat us? with a human kill rate of 100%. Mother Nature is one ungrateful whore. Clearly, the Earth hates our freedom, but try telling that to the Blame Humans First crowd.

Alright, so here I am at Earth Day talking to some stupid hippie about some stupid food. The Earth isn't doing anything bad. We're doing the bad things to the Earth. Okay, isn't it a little childish to talk about who started what when and who's doing what to whom? The point is we're in this war and we have to win it.

Should it taste like feet?

Well, when you suckled at your mother's teeth, did molten hot lava pour out into your mouth?

To win this war, we may need science. So I met with NASA climatologist Gavin Schmidt to find out how we can learn from our past mistakes. I'm just an average person without access to an earthquake ray or a Death Star. How can I join the fight against Earth?

Statistically, aren't Americans more likely to get hit by lightning than attacked by terrorists?

Then can we afford not to have a war on lightning?

That's what they said about destroying the ozone layer, but score one for humans.

Damn it! Fortunately, there is a way out.